What's this?!
Come on. Hit the deck now.
Get up, get up out
of there, sleepyhead.
Come on.
Pretty bird, pretty bird.
Oh, now, don't start that.
Pretty bird. Pretty bird.
Oh, come on, Bub, make
him stop, will you, please?
For three days, he's been
hammering away at that.
Pretty bird.
Got to learn him how to talk.
Pretty bird. Well,
if he talks like you,
he'll be the most ignorant
bird on the whole block.
You got to "teach"
him, not "learn" him.
Pretty bird, pretty bird,
pretty bird, pretty bird.
There now. Come on, come on.
Put your clothes
on. Here, I'll help you.
Hey, what's the
matter with your comb?
Mine needs a little
dental work, see?
Hey, Mike, do you
know anything about
the Shays' Rebellion?
We're gonna have a test today,
and I'm about out of it.
Yeah, Shays'
Rebellion. Yeah, um...
That was, um... Oh,
Shays' Rebellion.
Oh, you better
look in your book.
Hey, Dad?!
Hey, Dad?!
Yeah, Rob?
You ever hear of
Shays' Rebellion?
Sure, uh... That was, uh...
Now, let me see now, uh...
Well, well, what does
your book say, Rob?
Why don't you ask
Bub to help you?
You want to know about
Shays' Rebellion, huh?
Well, now, let me see.
As far as I can remember...
Hey, Chip, did they ever tell
you anything in school about...?
Oh, nah, I suppose not.
Why don't you ask the dog?
Huh?
Well, you've asked
everybody else.
Why don't you ask the dog?
I'll tell you what
you do. Ask the bird.
He's got a big brain,
doesn't he, Chip?
Sure, they ask me
questions now and then,
like, uh, "Where's my shirt?"
"What time do we eat?"
"Who stole the tooth powder?"
A lot of bright,
brainy stuff like that.
You know the boys
wouldn't hurt your feelings
for the world, don't you?
I guess they figure maybe, uh,
well, you've been away
from school for a while.
What's that got to do with it?
Well, did you know the
answer to Robbie's question
about Shays' Rebellion?
No.
Well?
But I've still got a right
to be asked, haven't I?!
Pretty bird, pretty
bird, pretty bird.
Nothing, huh, Chip?
You know, I think
you made a bad deal.
Those rocks you traded
Eddie Dunbar for the bird
can talk about as
much as the bird can.
But, uh, don't give up.
Dad? Hmm?
I asked Mike and Robbie,
and they didn't know either.
I've been worrying.
About what?
How did the Indians
take a bath in the winter?
Oh. Well, they, uh...
You know, I don't think I
know the answer to that.
Why don't you ask your granddad?
I'll bet he knows.
Jeepers, nobody knows.
Now you see what I mean?
I'm just a washing machine.
And you don't ask a washing
machine questions, do you?
You just turn us appliances
off and on and on and off!
Bub, I've heard the boys ask
you thousands of questions.
For instance, about your
early days in vaudeville.
Now, there's something you know
and nobody else
around here knows it,
and the boys respect
you and love you for it.
Like, "Go and ask your
poor, stupid grandfather
how you hit a man over
the head with a bladder."
Will you quit feeling
sorry for yourself?
Hi, Mike. Am I interrupting?
No, no, we were just talking.
Oh, I just wanted to
ask Bub a question.
You want to ask me a question?
Well, yeah.
Have you seen my
white dress shirt?
I'm gonna need
it tomorrow night.
I might be... That's it!
Ooh...!
What did I do?
You didn't do anything.
Did I say something wrong?
No, you didn't say
anything wrong.
It's just that your
granddad's upset about...
Too late.
Oh, excuse me.
Is this, uh, American
History, uh, 2?
Uh, yes, sir.
The two means second semester.
Oh, I see.
Like the shovel
says to the potato,
"I dig you, brother."
What?
Oh, that's an old
vaudeville bon mot.
Thank you very much.
I beg your pardon.
That's all right.
My, I thought I was
going to be late.
Well, I thought
you'd never get here.
How nice.
My, what a lovely thing to say.
Are you new?
Well, not for the last 50 years.
No, I mean, did you take
the first half of
American History?
Take it? Madam, I was in it.
I'm, uh, William O'Casey.
I'm Margaret Cunningham.
Thank you.
Elsinore Terrace," huh?
Well, that's a rather
snazzy neighborhood.
Yes, we enjoy it. Mm-hmm.
It's, uh, very quiet.
Mm-hmm.
What does Mr. Cunningham do?
Oh, I'm a widow, Mr. O'Casey.
Oh.
I'm sorry to hear that.
By "we," I meant,
uh, the family.
What do you do, Mr. O'Casey?
Oh, I'm retired.
Show business, you know.
And you keep active.
Yes, ma'am. That's very good.
I always admire a man
who keeps on improving his mind
by coming to this class.
Class?
Oh, oh, like the
quarterback says
to the football, "This
is just for kicks."
Uh, were you a theatrical
producer, Mr. O'Casey?
Well, you might say that, yes.
Would you please pass
in your registration cards?
Achtung. Our leader has arrived.
Pretty bird, pretty bird.
Say "pretty bird,"
say "pretty bird,"
say "pretty bird." Does it really
make a great deal of difference
whether he talks or not?
♪ Sweet Margaret O'Casey ♪
♪ My dear little Maggie ♪
♪ She's the
sweetest little lady... ♪
♪ Sweet little
Maggie O'Casey... ♪
Gosh, uh, Bub, I
forgot to do the dishes
like you asked me,
but I'll do them
right away, okay?
All right, Robbie, don't
you worry about the dishes.
I'm gonna do them myself.
You go on upstairs
and go to bed.
Well, what's the matter?
Is there something wrong?
No, no.
Well, then go on
upstairs and go to bed.
Do what I tell you.
Night, Bub. Night, Dad.
Night.
See if you can't keep
some of these boulders
out of the living
room, will you?
Put them upstairs in your
bed where they belong.
Will you do that?
Okay. Attaboy.
Good night. Good night.
Good night, Chip. Night, Dad.
Well, Professor,
you look as though
you enjoyed your
first night of school.
I mean, your first
night of night school.
Thanks, Steve.
I had a great time,
great time. Good.
Say, do you happen
to know anybody
over at Elsinore Terrace
by the name of, uh...
Now wait a minute... Cunningham?
No, I don't think so. Why?
Well, it's the name of, uh,
one of my fellow students.
And we got together tonight
and had a very jolly little visit.
Uh, a lady, I presume.
Well, you're right, as
a matter of fact, it is...
it is a lady, yes.
Uh, just how old is
this fellow student?
How old?
Oh, I'd say she's
about, uh... 18, 19?
Steve! Me?
She's at least 21.
Oh, well, that's all right.
At least.
Well, another evening
and another class.
The mind is certainly a
wonderful thing, Steve.
Yes, it is.
Bub, this new school chum
of yours, this Cunningham...
Well, then again, you
could say she's at least 41.
You could say that.
Now, don't wait up for me.
Well, don't you wait up for me.
I happen to be going
to the theater tonight.
With a girl?
Yes. Have a good time.
Have a good time?
I don't know how
it was in your era,
but we students of today
take our work very serious.
Good night.
Good night.
So we see that
Seward was not wrong
when he called it the
"irrepressible conflict."
Despite the many
attempts at compromise,
the m*llitary struggle between
the North and the South
was about to begin.
Next time, we'll start with
the att*ck on Fort Sumter.
You'll find the material in
chapter seven of your textbooks.
That'll be all for tonight.
You know, I'd kind
of like to find out
how this w*r ended.
Oh, you!
Why couldn't we peek a
couple of chapters ahead?
Oh, Mr. O'Casey,
you have the most
wonderful sense of humor.
Well, thanks.
Really delightful.
I'm sure when you
were producing plays,
comedy was your forte.
Come again?
Your specialty.
Oh, yes, you're quite
right. Yes, yes, yes.
Comedy was always
my strong point.
Musicals, you know.
Song and dance,
to put it "vulgarlarly."
How fascinating. Isn't it?
Yes, really.
No, really,
my life is so uneventful
and colorless.
The theater has always
seemed so exciting to me.
Well, show business
is pretty much
like any other business. Oh?
Mrs. Cunningham,
would you care to join me
in a spot of coffee?
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I can't tonight.
What about next week? Fine.
It's a date. Good.
Would you, uh, care
to walk me to the car?
I'll be glad to.
Now, tell me more about showbiz.
Well, I told Belasco not to
bring his show to New York.
"Take your loss and close
it in Philadelphia," I told him.
And did he?
Well, of course, Belasco
was a very talented man.
He had big ideas and,
well, you understand.
Yes. Tell me, did you ever work
with the great Ziegfeld?
Flo? No, no, I didn't.
As a matter of fact,
Flo and I could
never see eye to eye.
We had different
tastes about women.
Oh!
The trouble with Flo was
he had too many big ideas.
But some people get that way.
Can I drop you someplace?
You just did.
Au revoir.
Remember, we have a date.
Pretty bird, pretty
bird, pretty bird.
Ow!
Chip! Chip!
I want you to keep
these bone crushers out of here!
How many times have I told you
to keep these quarry
specimens up in your room?!
Hey, young fella, have
you done the dishes?!
Well, not yet, Bub, but I'll...
Well, get out there and do 'em!
Go to bed.
Go on! Do what I told you!
What are you grinning about?!
It's just plain luck that
I haven't got something
to yell at you about.
Trouble with, uh,
Mrs. Cunningham?
No.
Well, to tell you the
truth, I have, yes.
I'm just a big, puffed up fool.
Well, I thought there
was some reason
for the sudden hostilities.
Want to talk it out, Bub?
No, that's just the trouble.
I've talked myself
right out of the picture.
Right out.
Well, what happened, Bub?
Oh, I played the big sh*t,
pretended I was
a retired producer.
Oh.
Told her I knew Flo and David.
Who are they?
Flo Ziegfeld and David Belasco.
Well, well, who are they?
Who are they?
Well, anyhow,
she drank it all in,
believed every word I said.
Mike, do you mind if I ask you
to sit down there someplace?
Please, thanks.
Well, what happened then?
Well, then she led me to the
biggest, brightest limousine,
plus chauffeur, that
you ever saw in your life.
Mike, I'm way out of my class.
I told so many lies
I'll never be able to
straighten myself out.
Well, Bub, what you
did was perfectly natural.
It's, um, it's an atavism.
The males of most species
still display it during courtship.
The, uh, the peacock
spreads his feathers.
The, uh, the dove
puffs himself up.
The lion roars.
And the old hoofer
tells ten-dollar lies.
Precisely.
But I wouldn't
worry about it, Bub.
Curiously enough,
the female of the species
accepts it as a tribute.
In fact, she expects
and demands it.
Are you sure of all this?
Well, Bub, I'm not making it up.
It's all right here in
my psychology book.
Well, I don't know.
Bub, you have to be aggressive.
In fact, don't even
wait for your next class.
Oh, have you got some
way to get in touch with her?
Well, I memorized
her telephone number
from her registration card.
Great.
You don't think that was
a little sneaky, do you?
Bub, she probably held
it where you could read it.
You know, I'm beginning
to think I let you go
out too much nights.
Why?
Well, you're commencing to
be too smart for your own good.
No, really, Bub, call
her in the morning.
Don't keep her waiting.
Good night. Good night.
Now, Bub, don't
forget to call her.
And be aggressive, huh?
All right, all right.
Hey, that's some school
that teaches a kid
how to outsmart women.
I'll see you later.
♪ ♪
Van Eaton residence.
Whose residence?
To whom do you wish to speak?
Mrs. Cunningham.
Mrs. Margaret Cunningham.
Who is calling her, please?
Mr. William O'Casey.
I think you have
the wrong number.
Yeah, wrong number.
Good evening.
Good evening.
How are you this evening?
Just fine, thank you.
And you?
Oh, I'm just fine, thank you.
Lovely evening, isn't it?
I beg your pardon?
I say, it's a lovely
evening, isn't it?
Yes, it is, isn't it?
Yep, if you got to
have an evening,
this is it, all right.
Mr. O'Casey, I... I hope
you won't mind, but...
I... I wonder what Mr. Hemphill
is going to lecture on tonight.
Well, Fort Sumter
is what he said.
That's right. He did
say that, didn't he?
Yes, he did.
He was standing right
there when he said it.
Headache?
Yes, I... I've had it all day.
Gosh, that's a long
time to have a headache.
Mr. O'Casey, I
hope you don't mind
if we call off our
date for tonight.
You're perfectly right.
We should.
Besides, I forgot that
I promised the boys
I'd help them wash the dog.
We'll make it some
other time, shall we?
Yes, indeed, we shall.
And then I'll let you know
how the thing turns out.
How what turns out?
Washing the dog.
Oh, no, you don't.
No, you don't, no.
Oh, come on, Bub,
when are we going to eat?
What were the
Crittenden amendments?
The what?
The amendments to the
Constitution of the United States
proposed by Senator Crittenden
to try and prevent
the Civil w*r?
Well, that's what
they were, I guess.
Oh, boy, but this is
an ignorant family.
Hey, we're hungry.
If you paid more
attention to your head
than you do to your stomach,
you wouldn't have to go around
asking people what
Shay" Rebellion was either.
They used sand.
Huh?
The Indians.
When they wanted to clean
themselves in the wintertime,
they rubbed their
bodies with sand. Sand.
You stay out of that icebox.
Don't look now, Bub,
but your hostilities
are showing.
I'll thank you if you keep
your big, psychological mouth
out of this.
And you two go on out
and try and find
something useful
to do till I call you.
Look, Bub, just because
you're having trouble with Mrs.
Cunningham doesn't mean...
That's got nothing
to do with it.
I got a test on tomorrow.
Oh, come on, Bub.
I've got to go to school
to learn, improve my mind.
People really do that, you know.
Yeah. Well...
I wouldn't care if there were
a thousand Mrs. Cunninghams
in the class.
What do you think I am,
an adolescent young fool?
Well, I'm not.
I'm an adolescent old fool.
Oh, hi, Bub. Hi.
School night tonight, huh? Yep.
Aren't you going a little early?
No, I'm going to stop at
Elsinore Terrace on the way.
Oh. Could I drop you off?
No, no, the... I think
the walk will do me good.
Is Mrs. Cunningham
expecting you?
No, and she certainly
doesn't expect
what I'm gonna tell her.
What are you gonna tell her?
That I'm a big phony.
Good night.
Good night, Bub.
Good evening, sir.
Good evening. Is
Mrs. Cunningham in?
Yes, she is. Won't
you step in, please?
Thank you.
I'll call her.
Maggie, it's for you!
"Maggie"?
That's pretty familiar.
Oh, just a minute...
Oh...
Oh, could I have a
word with you, please?
Mr. O'Casey, I'm so ashamed.
But what about that limousine
and the chauffeur,
and all that stuff?
The Van Eatons have
gone away to Maine.
Eddie picked me up
after he'd driven the
family to the airport.
I didn't mean to deceive
you, Mr. O'Casey,
but you were talking
about all those
important people that you knew.
But I didn't know
a single one of those people.
Never met them in my life.
That's right.
I'm just an ordinary
old vaudeville hoofer.
I came here to
explain that to you.
I never knew Ziegfeld or Belasco
or any of those people.
I was just trying
to impress you.
Gracious, we'll
be late to class.
We're not going to class. Oh?
No, no, you and I
are gonna get dressed
and go out on the town tonight.
You just go and put on
your best bib and tucker.
But we have a
history test tonight.
Never mind the
history test, I tell you.
Margaret, you and I tonight
are gonna make history.
I think that's
wonderful, William.
I do, too.
Here, Mike, why don't
you try a clean chamois?
Oh, good.
Well, the mail has arrived.
Nothing for you, Rob,
nothing for you, Mike,
but there is a card here for
Bub from Mrs. Cunningham.
Oh, thanks.
What does she say?
Well, I don't go around
reading other people's mail.
I just happened to see
who it was from, that's all.
Oh.
"My dear William,
"The Van Eatons have
taken a lovely cottage here
in the Florida..." Klegs? Kebs?
Probably says Florida Keys, Bub.
Oh, thanks, Steve.
"here in the Florida Keys."
Oh, you don't read
other people's mail, huh?
"As lovely as it is, I must
say my thoughts stray
"occasionally toward the
Crittenden amendments
"and Fort Sumter.
Always, your Margaret."
"Always, your
Margaret." Brother!
Oh, Bub, you better be careful
when she comes back.
You've got her hooked now,
but from now on,
I'd, uh, I'd play it cool
because they get
possessive from this point.
Doctor, finish the car.
I'm taking this rotten
bird back to Eddie Dunbar
and getting my
rock collection back.
You can't teach
him to say nothing.
You can't teach him
to say anything, Chip.
You can't teach him to
say anything. Jeepers.
Jeepers. Jeepers. Jeepers.
Did he say that, Chip?
Yeah. Jeepers.
Jeepers.
Well, what do you know?
Boy, we got a smart bird.
Sure he's smart.
He's a lovebird.