01x04 - Welcome Back, Momma

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Bull.

Why so glum? Oh, first it was Grenada and then Lebanon.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Seems like every time I start to get close to a girl, she gets shipped out.

Well, maybe this next case will cheer him up.

Settle down! Thank you.

- Your Honor - You know, sometimes this is a great job.

Yeah, Your Honor Let me guess.

This guy was caught peeping into their dressing room.

He's the victim, Your Honor.

The ladies are the defendants.

Do you mean to tell me these sweet, innocent-looking young women b*at the snot out of this man.

Right.

Your Honor, my clients were lured to New York under the guise of a legitimate beauty contest.

It turned out that Mr.

Harris here did not have the prize money he claimed to have.

The girls found out during the competition and they responded.

Your Honor, according to witnesses, Miss Congeniality led the att*ck with a kick to the groin.

The one in the polka suit over there tried to twist my lips off.

- I beg your pardon.

- All right! That will be enough of that language.

I mean the bickering, not the Swedish.

Your Honor, it's not only Swedish, but Italian Japanese, Spanish and Arabic.

Weren't there any interpreters at the pageant? All his budget allowed for was one videotape machine and a dresser named Vito.

Hey, come on.

This is for cable TV.

I ain't got bucks to throw around like those network productions.

I could do a whole show for what one of those Barbara Mandrell outfits go for.

You are a resourceful man but evidently your profit comes at some expense to others.

Your Honor the fact is that this man is not the one who is on trial here although the people will agree his actions were scum-like in nature.

He twisted these girls' innocent hopes and dreams into grotesque nightmares of horror.

- You're on my side, right? - Yeah.

Don't worry.

Your Honor, I would like a continuance of this case until interpreters can be found and these ladies are provided for.

- Mr.

Prosecutor? - Absolutely.

Then it is so ordered.

Your Honor, being a speaker of English I can make my statement now if it would help.

I like to help.

That's why I'm majoring in speech therapy.

It's a way to help those less fortunate than ourselves learn the ability to communicate and function as productive human beings in our society.

I've got some paper bags in the office if you feel the need to: I just love our system of justice, Your Honor.

That system works for me, and by golly, I'll work for it.

Baton twirler, right? Yes! How did you know? - Lucky guess.

- Oh, thank you.

Can you say "Dan"? Next case, Your Honor.

People v.

Eleanor Brandon malicious mischief, Class C.

- Malicious mischief? - I chucked a rock through a plate-glass window.

Well, so you did.

Barton Jewelry Store was the offended establishment, Your Honor.

- Ms.

Brandon, do you have anything to say? - Yes.

You're even better-looking than I imagined.

I'll get those paper bags now.

When Harry was 4 his hair was dark like his Uncle Otto.

Who would think it would have lightened up so much? Yes.

Goes nicely with the robe.

You know my Uncle Otto? - Of course.

- Then I take it we have met? A long time ago.

I'm afraid you have the advantage, Miss Brandon.

I just don't remember you.

Well, how could you? The last time I saw you, you were only 5.

Miss Brandon.

Harry.

I'm your mother.

Oh.

Pleased to meet you.

- Harry.

- Did you catch The Merv Griffin Show last night? - He had this talking bird on - Harry! - What? - That woman out there.

Could she really be your mother? I don't know.

You don't know? My mom walked out on me when I was 5.

Dad never talked about her and frankly, after he d*ed, I never thought much about her.

- Anyway, the bird says to Merv - Harry! You mean, you never thought about where your mother was what she was doing, whether she was dead or alive? Honestly, I never thought about it.

I mean, when I was a kid growing up Mother's Day didn't mean anything more to me than Groundhog's Day.

Never had one of those, either.

Your Honor, can I use some of the petty cash to buy food for those bathing beauties? - Sure.

How are they getting along? - Well, as far as I can tell on looks alone.

I just hope they know that at 30 the party's over.

This is Houston Street.

Here's Third.

And this is Dan's apartment.

"Dan's apartment.

" Yes! Dan's apartment.

Dan's apartment is good.

"Good.

" Good.

Hello.

I like your dress.

My name's Bull.

Bull.

You know, like the animal? Bull.

Like this.

No, no, no.

Not a cow.

Bull.

- You've got to talk to her.

That's a given.

- How does this look? I admit that it's possible that she's not your mother but what if she is? It would look better if they were lighted, wouldn't it? I understand you're diverting yourself.

I mean, it's very hard to handle and you're emotionally upset.

- I'm not upset.

- Oh, yes, you are.

- I am not upset! - Why don't I make you a nice cup of tea to calm you down? - I don't want any tea.

- I've got your favorite, cherry Kool-Aid! - Lana! Okay, okay.

Maybe you're right.

I mean, some woman waltzes in here with strange claims.

I mean, that's no reason for us to jump to any definite conclusions.

Hi, Mom.

Your Honor? My client would like to have a few minutes with you, if possible.

Sure.

Come on in.

The more the merrier.

Well, if you'll all excuse me l've got things to collate.

Your Honor.

I know I haven't been here for very long, and sometimes I Well, sometimes I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

I'd like to pass on some advice that my Uncle Lionel used to give me: Talk with your head but listen with your heart.

- He sounds like a wise man.

- Yeah.

We have no idea why he k*lled himself.

Miss Brandon, have a seat.

Thanks, Harry.

So - I know what you're thinking.

- No, I don't think you do.

Well here it is in a nutshell: When I had you, I was young.

Very young.

I couldn't handle it.

I wasn't ready for it.

I couldn't handle anything then.

- Miss Brandon - What I'm trying to say is I wasn't well.

Emotionally, that is.

I mean, let's face it.

Anybody who would leave their child can't be emotionally well, can she? Miss Brandon, you're upset, and maybe you're a little mixed-up.

All you've done is broken a window.

It's not that serious.

When you were little, you had a little red wagon.

Miss Brandon, lots of little boys had little red wagons.

And you used to take your dog Oliver for rides in it.

- That's true.

- Oh, you loved animals then.

Do you still love animals? Yeah.

In fact, there was this bird on The Merv Griffin Show Oh, I don't want anything, Harry.

I don't want anything from you.

I just came here to tell you that your mother loves you.

Well, I've taken up enough of your time.

Miss Brandon.

Uncle Otto.

How many thumbs did he have? Let's talk.

And it's shaped like a little star.

I bet Harry could just die! I mean, what an embarrassing place for a man to have a birthmark.

- Have you seen it? - Why, no.

Now, just give this piece of paper to the cabby.

And tell him to take you there.

I assure you there will be no funny business if you don't want any.

Now, this is just an offer to help you until you can get back home.

Perhaps if we think of it merely as a testimony to the spirit of easing international tensions.

Our own little Olympic games.

Hi.

Story here about a man who ate nothing but seaweed for three years.

- Crazy, huh? - Yeah.

You got any chocolate cigarettes? I'll check.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- So how did it go with your - Mother? - Whatever.

- Well, she seems to know a lot about me.

I've got this blurry 30-year-old photograph.

Could be her.

Could be Red Buttons too.

Yeah.

Then I made a few phone calls, and some things do fit.

So you think it's a possibility? There are more things in heaven and earth Except chocolate cigarettes.

- We're out.

- Darn.

Can I show you something in a bubble-gum cigar? I love "Dear Abby," don't you? Who doesn't? Dan Fielding, assistant district attorney.

I'm Barbara, but my friends call me Buffy.

Get it? Barbara, Buffy? Yeah.

I get it.

- Do you have a nickname? - I'm afraid not.

- Well, then let's give you one.

- Hey.

Let's see.

Dan Fielding.

How about Dino! - I like it.

I really do.

But just for tonight.

- Can anyone sit here? - Sure.

Join us.

I mean, I have to be running along myself but sit down.

Selma, don't you have to go too? No.

But what do I know? See you.

Those people really like you.

I like them too.

Oh, Liz told me about the store owner dropping the charges if I offer to pay for the window.

- Have you got the money? - I got the money.

Thanks.

Good.

Well, I better be going.

You take care.

It was very nice to see you, Harry.

Bye.

Eleanor? Maybe Maybe you wanna hang around for a while and watch the session.

And then afterwards, we could go out and have a drink or some coffee you know, and talk.

Oh, yeah, sure.

I'd like that.

I love to talk.

- Yeah, me too.

- It runs in the family.

Yeah.

Having listened to the testimony and read the statements the court finds the defendants not guilty.

Oh, thank you! Thank you! Oh, what a surprise! I wasn't expecting it.

I don't have a prepared statement or anything! The court understands, believe me and we are grateful.

- Oh, thank you.

Thank you! - Okay, girls, we won! We've made provisions for all the women through their consulates except Miss Sweden.

Nobody was there when we called, but they will be and she'll be taken there.

Fine.

You've been acquitted.

You're free.

We won't have to use these.

Of course, you all don't have to go to your consulates if you don't want to.

Would you tell her that? No, go ahead.

Tell her that.

This is a free country.

Lives have been laid down so that you have the right to assemble anywhere you wish! Excuse me.

Who do I see about finding somebody who was arrested? - I'm the court clerk.

- Oh, great.

Do you know where I can find Mrs.

Eleanor Brandon? Yeah.

She's right over there.

Thank God! Ma, what are you doing here? Are you all right? Leonard, what a surprise.

They told me you were under arrest for breaking a window.

It's all straightened out.

Don't worry.

- This is your mother, Mr? - Brandon.

Leonard Brandon, Your Honor.

Yes, this is my mother.

Look, I am sorry if she has caused you any trouble.

No trouble.

No trouble at all.

Actually, she has been doing a lot of weird things for the last couple of years, and, well I think we're gonna have to seriously consider putting her in a home or a sanitarium or something.

I'm in a sanitarium now! No, you're not, Ma.

You're in an adult apartment complex.

It's a wonderful place, really.

People her own age, communal meals bocce ball.

- It's jail! It is not a jail, Ma.

So how come I'm not allowed visitors? - They're allowed visitors.

- So how come I never see you there? Mom, can we not go into this now, please? - I've got a business to run.

- Harry's got a business too but he makes time for me.

- Who the hell is Harry? The judge? Oh, well, listen, Your Honor, I apologize.

I didn't know she was bothering you.

That's a lonely lady there, Mr.

Brandon.

- I beg your pardon? - No, I think it's hers you ought to beg.

I don't understand a word you're saying.

You know, I don't like your tone in my courtroom, Mr.

Brandon.

I'm going to sentence you for contempt of court.

Sentence me for contempt of court? You can't do that! - Miss Wagner.

- Never say to a judge: "You can't do that.

" It is the sentence of this court that you be held in contempt and jailed until such time as you choose to take advantage of the fact that you got a mother.

- That's crazy.

- Miss Wagner.

Never say to a judge: "That's crazy.

" Your mother's lonely, Mr.

Brandon.

And if you can't see that now then no amount of time in jail is gonna help you see it any more clearly.

The court withdraws the contempt charge.

- Say, am I? - Free? Yes.

Thought so.

You have a lot of pets, don't you, Eleanor? Yeah! Oh, I used to.

Fish, mostly.

The man at the pet store told me I overfed them, though.

I thought floating was just their way of resting.

Come on, Ma.

I'll take you back.

Fish can't talk to you, Leonard.

Oh, thank you very much, sir.

I'll make a note of that.

Your mother misses you, Leonard.

She misses you so much that she invented another son.

Who? Oh, Ma.

A judge? You harassed a judge? I can't believe that you would do that.

Can you believe that she would do that? Oh, Ma.

Maybe Leonard's right.

Maybe I ought to be put away.

I don't think so.

I understand, Eleanor, really.

- I'm sorry.

- How did you know so much about me? I read a newspaper article about how you grew up without a mother and then I did a little more research.

And then you decided to adopt me, huh? - Yeah, something like that.

- And Uncle Otto? Lucky guess.

I almost said three.

Harry, I guess I thought maybe, down deep inside, that, well that maybe you'd get something out of this too.

I did.

I really did, Eleanor.

But don't ever do that to another human being for the rest of your life.

Come on, Ma.

Let's go get something to eat.

I'm sorry, Leonard.

Eleanor and I have a date.

This is my mother.

She is going with me.

Some other time, Harry? Sure, some other time.

Mom always did like you best.

Shut up, will you?