02x03 - Billie and the Cat

[bunniefuu]

- Hey, Mac.

Yeah.

I'd like you to meet our new defense attorney.

Billie Young, Mac Robinson, our court clerk.

- I'm pleased to meet you.

- Same here.

- Hey, nice grip.

Well, thanks.

You see, I wrestle professionally on the weekends.

- The Bayonne Bruiser? - Oh, yeah.

I caught you at the Gardens a couple of times.

You're kidding, aren't you? Yeah, we're just funning, Bull.

And this is her assistant, Brad Tallman.

- Hi.

- Hi, what's happening? I have no idea.

Come on, let's sit over here.

Bull, will you cr*ck these chestnuts for me? Well, hello, hello, hello.

Dan Fielding, assistant district attorney.

- Billie Young.

Nice to meet you.

- My pleasure.

- That could be arranged.

I'm Brad Tallman, Miss Young's assistant.

- Yeah, hi.

- Uh, have you been in criminal court long? Seven years.

Wow.

Perhaps you could give me some advice? Certainly.

Don't wear that tie in court.

Listen, it's your first night.

How about a little welcome drink after work? Sounds like fun.

It's a date.

Oh, great.

Uh, I'll see you later.

This could be hot.

I'll try and keep her from asking around about you.

Look at this.

"Man with eight arms to wed.

" Selma, that's disgusting.

Those trashy tabloids are filled with nothing but gossip and lies and the sensationalism of human tragedy.

Tux fits nice, though, don't it? Oh, Your Honor.

I'd like you to meet Miss Billie Young of legal aid and her assistant, Brad Tallman.

Miss Selma Hacker, Judge Harold T.

Stone.

- Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.

Brad Tallman.

- Nice to meet you.

She wrestles, Harry.

I guess I told it wrong.

How about a game of pool before we start work, huh? - I'm pretty good.

- Don't let that stop you.

Well, I have this silly superstition about hustling the judge before a session.

Good policy.

How about after? Oh, I'm afraid I can't.

I'm having drinks with Dan.

Dan? - Dan Fielding, our DA? - Uh-huh.

Here, better do some homework, kid.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight Here's our statements, Mac.

Thanks, Brad.

You know, this is my first trip outside Ohio.

No.

Yeah, really.

Hey, how about you and me doing the town tonight? - Doing the town? - Yeah.

The Empire State Building, a trip on the Staten Island Ferry and top it all off with a hot dog at Nathan's.

You're a real party animal, aren't you, Brad? Videotape.

I beg your pardon? I've got one of the best collections of art films in the city.

Name some.

Ingmar Bergman's Wild Strawberries.

I got it.

Five young women share a condo in Fort Lauderdale.

Sorry, that's Wild Stewardesses, isn't it? What do we got, Mac? The People v.

Miles Seaver, Your Honor.

Third-degree burglary.

He stole a cat.

Just getting started in the business, Mr.

Seaver? I'm no criminal, Your Honor.

That cat belongs to me.

- And believe me, she's more than just a cat.

- More than just a cat? That's true, Your Honor.

The p*ssy in question being Ruffles the trademark of the Kitty Kitty Cat Food Company.

Yeah, Ruffles, I see him on TV all the time.

That's the cat with those neat, little break-dance number, isn't he? - Uh, the cat can't dance.

- What are you talking about? He's terrific.

That's special effects.

It costs a fortune.

- You are? - Roger Blair, chief counsel for Kitty Kitty.

Actually, the cat is quite stupid.

We have to use a stand-in for practically everything except the close-ups.

That's a lie.

Velma's smart as a whip.

She used to make toast for me in the mornings.

She'd push the lever down with her little paw.

That's quite impressive, Mr.

Seaver, but just for the record, who is Velma? Uh, Your Honor, Velma is Ruffles.

I don't understand.

Well, one night after dinner, I went for a walk, Your Honor.

I was looking for some string.

It was going to be a surprise for Velma's birthday.

She loved surprises.

To summarize, Your Honor, when he returned, the cat had disappeared.

Well, I left the bedroom window open.

She was gone.

No note, nothing.

I was devastated.

For the next year, everything reminded me of her.

I couldn't pass a can of tuna without Try to go on, Mr.

Seaver.

Mm.

One night, I was lying on the sofa watching TV and there she is, staring at me seductively through the screen pimping cat food.

How could you tell it was Velma? Could you forget the look of someone you slept with for six years? It can be done.

Uh, Mr.

Seaver, do you have any proof you once owned this animal? Uh, Your Honor, Mr.

Seaver had this photo taken of Velma a few Christmases ago.

- Oh.

Yeah.

- Very nice.

Well, I sewed the Santa outfit myself.

Look at the cute little white beard.

It's cotton balls.

Your Honor, the state's collective heart goes out to Mr.

Seaver but fact is, the Kitty Kitty Cat Company has proof of ownership of the animal.

We found her, Your Honor, in an animal shelter.

If it wasn't for us, she would've been destroyed.

That's what you're doing to her now.

When I found Velma, she was an emotional cr*pple.

Sudden fame, instant money.

We've seen it a thousand times haven't we, Mr.

Blair? - It k*lled Morris.

- Where is the cat now? - Apparently, in Mr.

Seaver's possession.

The police traced the burglary to him but there was no sign of the purloined feline.

He has no friends, no family and no job, Your Honor.

Velma's companionship is his very lifesblood.

You take that away, and you might as well put him to sleep.

Figure of speech.

You don't seem to understand, counselor, we're talking about more than a cat here.

Ruffles is a trademark.

Since she's joined the firm, sales have gone up 130 percent.

And we're not just talking cat food, Your Honor.

We are talking merchandising.

Greeting cards, calendars, posters Lunch boxes.

It was a gift.

Mr.

Blair, would Kitty Kitty consider dropping the charges if, uh, Ruffles née Velma, were returned? - We would, Your Honor.

- No way.

- Mr.

Seaver - And, uh, my company has authorized me to pay Mr.

Seaver a finder's fee, if you will, of $ 1000.

That seems a fair and reasonable offer, Mr.

Seaver.

Velma's my friend.

Take the money, go buy yourself a box full of friends.

- We are prepared to offer you $2500.

- Money is not the issue here, Your Honor.

- Five-thousand.

- We're talking about a man's devotion.

- Seventy-five hundred.

- His love for another living creature.

- Ten-thousand dollars.

- No.

You can't put a price on love.

He must be from out of town.

Your Honor, the cat is no longer in Mr.

Seaver's possession.

- No.

- It's all right, Miles.

What are you saying, Miss Young? I have the cat.

Ooh.

All right, you were entitled to that one.

Explanation, Miss Young.

Your Honor, when I interviewed my client, he told me where he had hidden the cat and for humane reasons, I had someone pick her up and put her in a private kennel at my own expense.

Tell us where that kennel is, Miss Young.

With all due respect, sir I don't think I can.

Ooh.

All right, there's a two "ooh" limit.

That's your last one.

- I stand on the attorney-client privilege.

- You stand on thin ice, counselor.

You know that privilege ended as soon as you revealed that information in open court.

Sir, I cannot let this feeble, wretched, pathetic, little man down.

Thank you.

Would the counsels seat their clients, then join me at the bench for a little confidential yak? Mac? - Hi, Brad.

What if she's thrown in jail? - Then you'll be in charge.

- That's what I thought.

I think I'll be throwing up now.

- What are you doing, Miss Young? - The right thing, Your Honor.

Kitty Kitty might be legally right, but my client is not wrong.

He's just fallen between the cracks of the system.

Looks like he's fallen between the cracks of the sidewalk too.

Miss Young, either you tell us where that animal is or the law will compel me to find you in contempt of this court.

I understand the consequences, Your Honor.

What, you're gonna k*ll off our date for some geek who's in love with his furball? I find that a little bit insensitive.

I'll say it is.

I believe she was referring to you, Mr.

Prosecutor.

- Oh, I don't think so, sir.

- Your Honor.

Miss Young, I'll give you one more chance.

Where is the cat? Okay, just kidding.

One more chance.

Where is the cat? Securely locked away, Your Honor.

Then you two will have something in common.

Miss Young, this court finds you in contempt and orders you confined until such time as you are willing to surrender Ruffles to his rightful Her.

Her rightful owner.

Selma? - I'm sorry, I hate to do this.

- It's okay, Selma, I understand.

The matron who does the strip search is a friend of mine.

I'll put in a good word for you.

- Well, what now, Your Honor? - We move along and proceed as best we can.

- Where's Mr.

Tallman? - Right here, Your Honor.

- Hey, my case was supposed to be next.

- Okay.

Says who? I'm much more dangerous than he is.

Right, you are.

What a nerd.

Oh, come on, Dan, he's just over his head.

That's why legal aid only sends accomplished attorneys to try cases.

- He's young, he's inexperienced.

- He just stapled his tie to the table.

What a nerd.

- Would you please let her out, Harry? - Afraid I can't do that.

We're going to be here all night with this chump.

Are you sure you don't want her released just for personal reasons? Your Honor my major concern is that the operation of this court continues to run smoothly.

Ripe for the plucking, though, isn't she, Harry? - I thought you were just going out for drinks.

- That's just singles code for Bed City.

Maybe.

But what if she thought it was really just for drinks, then what? Then I've made a horrible mistake, haven't I? Uh, next case, Your Honor.

Shirley LaSalle.

Solicitation for the purposes of sexual favors.

How does the defense plead? Uh, not guilty, Your Honor, by reason of temporary insanity.

I'll go talk to her.

Take a one-hour meal break.

Come on, kid.

How about a break? Let's go over and get some sushi.

Took me a while to get used to the idea too.

You have to deal with this riffraff every night? It's better than working for a cat.

I get 200,000 a year, expenses, and use of the company jet.

Okay, it's better than being a cat.

Woo! Trixie, terrific outfit.

Hey, Cindy, love what you've done to that hair.

Really good.

Okay, ladies, come on, settle down.

That's enough.

Settle down.

Hi.

- Hello.

- How you doing? Fine.

I love the way you pause when you're talking.

- I'm really not in the mood for your jokes.

- Hey, sister nice suit.

Some kinky guy made me get dressed up like that once.

I love your hair, dear.

Is it permanent press? Whoa.

- I see you can protect yourself.

- I can, sure, but what about Miles Seaver? He can't protect himself against some giant corporation with unlimited funds.

- Billie, listen to me.

- Billie? That's a man's name.

Those are man's legs.

We're even.

Woo.

Billie, I wish you'd reconsider.

Your Honor, I'm just doing what I think is right.

It's about integrity, a principle.

It's about - A cat.

- Yes, it is.

Sometimes you have to take a stand.

That's what I'm doing.

I am taking a stand whether you agree or not.

- I agree with you.

- Of course I don't ex You agree with me? Sure, I probably would have done the same thing.

- They told me you were nuts.

- Beg your pardon? I don't under If you agree with me, what am I doing in jail? Call it a whim.

I have this thing about upholding the law.

What you did was noble, it really was, and as a person, I can admire it.

But as a judge? Cough up the cat.

I can't.

Then I'm afraid you may be here for a long time.

I'll be out in 24 hours.

Oh, the rabies test was negative.

Good for you.

Ooh.

Billie, if you change your mind about this one, give me a call and I'll, uh, have you released.

My number's on the wall.

Bye, ladies.

Bye, Harry.

- Any progress yet? - Uh, not so far.

- How about letting me give it a try? - Lf you like.

Yeah, I think I can give her a, uh, little incentive.

Hurt her only if you have to.

How you doing, kid? Oh, just fine, Dan.

Hey, you don't have to sweeten it up for me.

I know it can be really rough in the joint.

- I think I can handle it.

- Hey.

Look.

- I don't smoke.

- No, no, no.

Cigarettes are as good as money in the slammer.

Take them.

Go ahead, take them.

Get yourself something nice.

All rise.

Criminal court part two, the Borough of Manhattan is now in session.

- The Honorable Harold T.

Stone presiding.

- You may be seated.

What's wrong with him? Well, he hasn't been asleep in about 30 hours.

He stayed here last night just in case Billie changed her mind and you released her.

Is he that desperate? I believe he was born that way, sir.

Would the counsels approach the bench, please? Dan, are you all right? Fine.

Your Honor, I've gone through all the cases and I think I can handle it today.

I'm sure I can.

Legal aid wanted to send somebody else, but they're short on personnel, I said: - "Hey, I can handle it.

All I need" - Put a sock in it! The first order of business will be The People v.

Seaver.

In a contempt case, the defendant, in this case, the defense attorney will again be brought before the court and asked to comply with the judge's order.

This will be the same procedure every day until the said case is resolved.

You smell wonderful.

I've been deloused.

Great.

- Miss Young? - Your Honor.

Will you comply with this court's order? Sir, I cannot.

Your Honor, if I may? - Mr.

Blair.

- I spoke to my superiors this morning and I am now at liberty to offer Mr.

Seaver $ 15,000 for the return of Ruffles.

Ooh.

Mr.

Seaver? I just want my Velma back, Your Honor.

- Twenty-thousand.

Listen.

When is big business going to learn that there's more to life than money? How long do you think you can push little folks around? - Twenty-five.

- We're not talking about property.

- Thirty.

- Who the hell do you think you are? You can't buy that man's love.

- When are you gonna get that in your head? - Fifty.

Give them the cat.

- What? - Give them the cat.

Miles, what about the love and companionship of Velma? I'll miss that love.

The companionship, I'm pretty sure I can buy.

Your Honor, I think there'll be no further action at this time.

We drop all charges.

Mr.

Prosecutor? Fine.

Fine it is.

Case dismissed, contempt charge dismissed.

We'll take a short recess.

I went to jail for you.

Listen, lady, I appreciate it, I really do, but I'm sure that Velma will understand.

Where's your self-respect? You've sold the only thing in your life that had any meaning.

You've sold your dignity and your soul.

I sold a cat for $50,000.

God bless America.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, me too.

I think it was Aristotle who said: "Lost causes are the only ones worth fighting for.

" Jimmy Stewart, Mr.

Smith Goes to Washington.

Oh, yeah.

I always get those two guys mixed up.

- Thanks, Harry.

- You lead with your heart like that and you are gonna get hurt from time to time.

Yeah, I know that, but it's the way I'm built.

- How can I change that? - I don't think you can.

I don't think you should.

"Life without purpose is indeed a meaningless existence.

" - Aristotle? - Otto Baron.

- Philosopher? - Dead uncle.

- As charged and the fine will be $50.

- What's next? - That's it, Your Honor.

All right, court is adjourned.

All set.

Oh, no, Dan, not tonight.

I'm bushed.

Wait.

What kind of excuse is "bushed"? Maybe some other time.

I'll probably just fall asleep on you tonight.

I don't care.

Oh, you poor kid.

I'll get Bull to drive you home.