03x05 - Ed and the Allergy

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mister Ed". Aired: January 5, 1961 – February 6, 1966.*
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A horse named Mister Ed shares his words of wisdom only with Wilbur, his hapless owner.
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03x05 - Ed and the Allergy

Post by bunniefuu »

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ Oh, give me a home
where the buffalo roam ♪

♪ And the deer and
the antelope play ♪

I wonder why they never
mention horses in that song.

Hello, Ed.

Good morning, Wilbur.

♪ Where seldom is heard
a discouraging word ♪

♪ Because what
can a buffalo say? ♪

You're feeling pretty good,

now that I'm taking you
camping at Green Valley, huh?

Yes, sir, buddy-boy.

It'll be good to get
away where it's quiet.

You know, the
Addisons fought all night.

So old brush-face is
in trouble again, eh?

Fill me in.

Well, Kay wants to bring
her mother for a visit.

Addison doesn't want her to.

You could hear them all
over the neighborhood.

You can? Well...

[Kay] And for the
hundredth time,

my mother does not hate you.

It's just that you never
got a chance to know her.

[Roger] I certainly did.

Didn't she come along
with us on our honeymoon?

[Kay] You were too
frightened to go by yourself.

It is not nice to listen to
your neighbor's troubles.

I know. But it's fun.

[Roger] I say she's not
coming here, and I'm the boss.

Ed.

Now you touch
that door once more,

and I won't take you camping.

Okay, have it your way, Dad.

I'm not your dad.

Yes, you are. I adopted you.

Kay, can't we put an
end to this arguing?

Every time your
mother visits us,

it always winds up
with unpleasantries.

[Kay] Only because
you don't like my mother.

That is not true.

I think of her exactly
as she thinks of me.

How dare you
insult her like that!

I mean, what a thing to say.

Ed, there is nothing more
contemptible than eavesdropping.

[Kay] And why bring
Wilbur Post's name into this?

[Roger] All I said
about Wilbur Post was...

[Kay] And I want...

Wilbur, there is nothing

more contemptible
than eavesdropping.

Oh, you're absolutely right, Ed.

I just thought you might
like a little fresh air.

[Kay] Carol.

I'm in the kitchen, Kay.

Carol, will you help me

win an argument with my husband?

It all depends, Kay.

Well, it's a little devious,
and kind of tricky and shady.

Oh, I'd love to.

Well, I'll suggest to Addison
that instead of arguing anymore

about whether my
mother should come,

we leave it to the Posts.

Then I'll give you
my honest opinion,

and your mother will come.

Well, only if you
think she should.

And I'm glad you do.

And I'll suggest to Kay
that we leave it to the Posts.

Will you do it for me, Wilbur?

Rog, if you're in a
spot, of course I'll do it.

Good.

But I'm all set to go camping.

Please, Wilbur, I'm begging you.

Well, all right, Rog.

Good.

But I'm all set to go camping.

Wilbur, this is the
most important favor

I've ever asked
of you in my life.

You've got to do it for me.

Well, all right,
Rog, I'll do it.

Bless you, my boy. Bless you.

I've got a feeling by the
time we get to Green Valley,

it'll be white with snow.

Kay, look at it this way,
if your mother visits us,

instead of two of us arguing,

there will be three
of us arguing.

Our house isn't
big enough for that.

You don't have to
quarrel with mother.

Why don't you go on not
speaking to each other,

and we'll have a pleasant visit.

Fine dear, I don't want
to seem unreasonable

but you can ask
anybody if I'm not right.

You can ask
anybody if I'm not right.

Hey, that's not a bad idea.

Why don't we ask
someone for an opinion?

Someone unbiased.

Fair.

Objective.

Someone we like.

- And trust.
- Yes.

Say, I have an idea.

So have I.

[both] Let's leave
it to the Posts.

Friends, we don't
want to impose,

but would you mind
settling an argument

between my dear wife and me?

All we want is an
unbiased opinion.

Well, what's on your
mother... your mind?

Well, I'm sure you've
heard us arguing

about Kay's mother
coming to visit us.

If you haven't, you better
have your ears checked.

Well, I hope nobody gets
angry at our honest opinion.

Oh, Carol is right.

We wouldn't want
our honest opinion

to affect our friendship.

Well, you'll certainly
find us open-minded.

Wide open.

I think she should come.

I don't think she should come.

Shouldn't come.

I mean, she should come.

Well, you heard her.

No, I heard him.

See the trouble you've started?

But you're the one that's
causing the trouble, darling.

Kay, when I talked
to you this morning,

I had no idea that...

Carol, you and Kay
discussed this earlier?

Well... I find that
hard to believe.

Kay, we may quarrel a lot,

but I always thought our
marriage was built on trust.

- But, Addison...
- Don't apologize.

You can't help having those
devious, tricky, shady traits.

Heredity is a tremendous force.

I'm sorry, Wilbur.

Oh, don't let it
upset you, honey.

You were just doing
something for a friend.

I mean, that's commendable.

See, when Roger
spoke to me this...

Oh, so you were talking
to Roger this morning?

You see that look?

Her mother's
got one just like it.

Well, at least we
went behind your backs

behind your backs.

You went behind our
backs right under our noses.

Carol, if you're
gonna yell at me,

the least you can do is
keep your voice down.

Well, Mr. Open-minded,
are you happy now?

You've got my
dearest friends arguing.

All right.

Call your mother
and tell her to come.

I don't have to call her.
Her train's due in at 2:00.

Well, Ed, it's all settled.

Kay's mother is coming,

and we can finally get in
some fishing at Green Valley.

Good. The worms
were getting restless.

Wilbur, you're not leaving

before my mother-in-law arrives.

I kept my promise.
I did what I could.

But I need your moral support.

I can't get along
with that woman.

She can turn "Good
morning" into an argument.

Well, all right, Rog.

But, you know, possibly
it could be your fault, too.

My fault?

Did you ever try to
look at her side of it?

You know, most
men don't understand

how a mother-in-law feels.

Think of it.

She raises a daughter
from an infant,

makes tremendous
sacrifices for her,

does without things so the
daughter can have everything,

watches her grow from
childhood to girlhood

to radiant womanhood,

and then, then when she's ready

to enjoy the companionship

she so richly deserves
for her loving care,

some man comes along,
takes her daughter away.

Is it asking too
much of a son-in-law

to allow this loving woman
to visit her own daughter?

Wilbur, you're
right. I'm a beast.

Oh, it's not too late, Roger.

When she gets here,
show her loving kindness.

Buy her candy, flowers.
Make her feel welcome.

After all, you and Kay are
the only happiness she has.

I'll do it, Wilbur.

I'll buy a big
bouquet... $5.00 worth.

[Mister Ed sniveling]

Oh, Ed.

Ed, I didn't know my speech
would affect you like that.

[sniffling] It's
not that, Wilbur.

It looks like we'll
never go camping.

Wilbur.

Here they come, Rog.

Hello, Wilbur.

Kay.

Welcome home, Mother.

Thank you, dear. Thank you.

Mother, this is Carol's
husband Wilbur.

He's Addison's best friend.

Well, Wilbur, here she is.

Your mother. Well,
you must be kidding.

If she looked any younger,

why, she'd be twirling a baton.

Roger's best friend?
How do you do?

Oh.

Oh, Addison, Mother's here.

Mother, darling. Welcome.

Hello, Roger.

Mother, I bought
this candy just for you.

Candy? You know I'm on a diet.

Oh, and it shows,
Mother. It shows.

You look simply wonderful.

You're looking well, Roger.

I'm a little surprised, though.

You still have some hair left.

Isn't it amazing?

Would you believe
it at one time,

this man had as
much hair as you have?

Well, you know what they say.

A high forehead is
a sign of intelligence,

and each time he combs his hair,

Roger gets a little bit smarter.

Mother, these are for you.
I hope you like gladiolas.

Oh, what lovely gladiolas.

The most beautiful
gladiolas I've ever seen.

They're simply
darling gladiolas.

They are not gladiolas.
They're snapdragons.

Simply darling snapdragons.

They're gladiolas, Mother, dear.

So they are.

I'm sorry, Roger. But
they are snapdragons.

Gladiolas.

Snapdragons.

Horticulture is a hobby of mine.

Those are gladiolas.

Oh, Rog, you old devil,

I bet you crossed a
snapdragon with a gladiola

and you got yourself
a bunch of snappyolas,

or golddragons here.

Oh, well, let him have his way.

He's... [sneeze]

[together] Gesundheit.

But they're snapdragons.

Well, I'm sure you'd know
more about dragons...

Um, flowers than I would.

Doll, why don't
you go to the car

and bring in Mother's bags?

[sneeze]

[together] Gesundheit.

Please, get rid
of those flowers.

Why, this is so funny.

Snapdragons never
made me sneeze before.

Gladiolas.

Doll!

Maybe you're
allergic to those gl...

Whatever they are.

My dear, I am not
allergic to any flowers.

Addison, what did you
spray on these flowers

to make Mother sneeze?

I think I'll go
bring in the bags.

Admit it, you put
something on those flowers.

The insecticide I
used distinctly said

"Destroys pests,
harmless to human beings."

Your mother will have to decide

which category she comes under.

[sneeze]

Gesundheit.

Gesundheit.

Can I get you something?

Yes. Another son-in-law.

He never did like me.

Oh, but he does.

Why, Roger talks
about you all the time.

Well, please don't
tell me what he says.

[sneeze]

Gesundheit.

Gesundheit, Mother, dear.

Gesundheit.

I knew you'd try to
spoil Mother's visit.

Look at all those bags.

This isn't a visit.
It's an invasion.

Gesund... [sneeze]... heit.

Come on, Mother.

We'll make you comfortable.

Okay, dear.

Kay, I'm worried
about your mother.

Maybe we ought to call a doctor.

Oh, dear. I'm fine.

I'm perfectly all right.
Don't worry about me.

Oh, come on, Mother.

All right, dear.

- You go ahead, Carol,
will you?
- Okay.

Oh, I do hope you
enjoy your visit with them.

[Mother] Oh, I'm sure I will.

Candy. Flowers.

That's a pretty sneaky way to
show somebody you hate them.

I tried, Wilbur,
I certainly tried.

Well, now that you've met
her, what have you got to say?

Only one thing.

What's that?

Those are snapdragons.

Oh, come on, Ed. Talk to me.

I'll take you camping tomorrow.

You broke your promise.

I had to help Roger out.

Wilbur, never mention that
name in my house again.

If your friend were in trouble,

wouldn't you help him out?

I have no friends.

I found that out
today, stranger.

Well, all right.

But even when strangers
talk, at least it's face to face.

Oops!

Wilbur, may I use your phone?

I'd rather my mother-in-law
didn't hear my conversation.

Sure. How long
is she gonna stay?

Well, the last
time she visited us,

she stayed through the holidays.

The holidays? Well,
that's not too bad.

She arrived on New
Year's and left on Christmas.

Help yourself.

May I speak with
the doctor, please?

This is Roger Addison.

Oh, doctor, have my
mother-in-law's tests

come back from
the laboratory yet?

Roger, her sneeze is
definitely caused by an allergy.

Does she do much
horseback riding?

No. Although she does look
a little like Teddy Roosevelt.

Why do you ask?

Because the test shows

she's allergic to horse hair.

- Horse hair?
- Yes.

There must be horses
in the immediate vicinity.

I see. Well, then, Doctor,

as long as there
is a horse around,

my dear mother-in-law
will suffer from this allergy?

That's right. So my
advice to you would be

to take whatever
steps are necessary

to get rid of the animal.

That's precisely what
I intend to do to her.

Thank you, Doctor.

Well, well, who would ever think

that I would be glad
to have you around,

you silly-looking,
good-for-nothing, lazy bag of bones.

Come to my arms.

Hoo hoo! Oh, boy.

That hypocrite,

using me to get rid
of his mother-in-law.

Well, I'll fix his wagon,
and Wilbur's too.

Mother, dear.

Oh, yes, Roger.

I'm ready to drive
you to the plane.

Too bad about your
allergy to the climate.

But I'm sure you'll feel
better when you get home.

But, doll, mother isn't leaving.

Mother isn't what?

It's like a miracle.

She suddenly stopped
sneezing, so... Yes.

She's decided to stay on.

How nice.

I must tell the Posts
the good news.

Where's your horse?

Where? Where?

What's the matter, Rog?

Your horse is missing,
and you don't even care.

What are you? Some
kind of a monster?

Take it easy.

He must be around someplace.

He doesn't know
where his horse is.

Roger, calm down.
Tell me all about it.

If it was my horse, I'd
know where he was.

Ed? Ed.

"To whom it may concern,
and that means you, Wilbur.

"I'm tired of broken promises

"and man's inhumanity
to mothers-in-law.

"Don't bother looking for
me because I won't be there.

Signed, a former friend."

"P.S. But if you decide
to come looking for me,

"I am at Green Valley all alone.

Hurry."

Wilbur simply
must find Mister Ed.

Why, Roger, I didn't know

you felt that way
about Mister Ed.

Sometimes we don't
appreciate things

until they're gone
and we need them.

Where can that horse be?

[Kay] Carol?

Oh, hi, Kay.

- Oh, hi.
- Hello, Mrs. McCarthy.

I'm going to drive Mother
through Beverly Hills.

Would you like to come along?

- Oh, I'd love to.
- Good.

What's the matter
with you, doll?

Wilbur's horse has disappeared.

Horse?

Well, Roger, I didn't think

you cared so much about animals.

I love Mister Ed.
I've always loved him.

Where is that dear horse?

Wilbur, have you found him?

No. But I think I know
where he might be.

And I'm gonna go get him.

I'll go and help you look.

And Mother will come
along and help us, too.

Mother is very fond of
animals, especially horses.

I am?

- Well, of course you are.
- Roger.

Well, I'd be glad to go if
you think you need me.

Roger, we don't
need your mother.

Believe me, Wilbur,

we need Mother
more than you know.

Come, Mother, dear.

[Ed] Ahhh.

Nothing like carrots
roasting over an open fire.

♪ Home on the range
where the deer... ♪

[humming]

[birds chirping]

Oh, hi there, little fellas.

If I find any worms, I'll
throw them your way.

Boy, isn't nature wonderful.

To think we had all this

before people came
along and spoiled it.

Uh-oh!

Okay.

This is one of the
places I used to bring Ed.

He must be around
here somewhere.

I hope you're right.

Now what in the
world... [sneeze]

You're right.

Roger, why in the world

did you bring me
to a place like this?

Well, mother, I know
you're fond of horses.

Which direction we
should start looking.

Well, we...

Now, Roger, why
are... [sneezing]

That's the direction.

They're using her
for a Geiger counter.

I'd better get out of the wind.

Something's gone wrong.

Mother, would you mind
taking a deep breath?

We've lost the direction.

Look, I was a Boy Scout.

But this is a new
way to pick up a trail.

Roger, why don't you and
Mother continue on that way?

And I'll go this way.

Good. Come on, mother.

Ed? Oh, Ed? Ed?

Psst, psst, Wilbur.

Ed, are you hiding?

Yeah. I'm hiding from Addison.

I always hated old brush-face,

but now at last I
found a reason for it.

But, Ed, Addison likes you.

Oh, you should have
seen how upset he was

when he found you were missing.

Sure.

Because his mother-in-law
is allergic to me.

What?

When I'm around, she sneezes.

And if she sneezes,
she'll go home.

Allergic to you.

Well, I find that
hard to believe.

You just watch.

Let me move over where
the wind's in her direction.

[Mother sneezes]

See?

You're right. So that's it, huh?

Yeah.

Roger Addison is two-faced.

And I wouldn't trust
either one of them.

[sneeze]

Wilbur, Wilbur! We've
found the trail again!

Roger, Roger, oh, Roger,
Roger, are you all right?

Wilbur, Wilbur, come quickly.

Roger's been hurt.
Oh, Roger, Roger.

Oh, my ankle.

Roger, let me help you.

Oh.

He's hurt his ankle.

We'll have to try and
carry him to the car.

It's too far to do it alone.

I better get Ed to help. Ed?

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait a minute, Wilbur.

You'd better not call the horse.

Mother, I might as well confess.

The horse is the
cause of your allergy.

Well, I don't care.

I don't care about my allergy.

All I want to do is to
get you safely home.

Mother, dear, you're
really worried about me.

I am. I really am, Roger.

When you hurt yourself,

I suddenly realized how much
you mean to Kay and to me.

Mother, dear.

Roger.

What can I do to
make this up to you?

It's simple.

Just admit those flowers
were snapdragons.

[Ed] ♪ Oh, give me a home ♪

[Ed, Wilbur, in harmony]
♪ Where the buffalo roam ♪

♪ And the deer and... ♪

Why did you stop?

I was thinking about
Roger and his mother-in-law

when I drove them home.

They were acting like
a couple of real pals.

Say, Wilbur, what would you do

if you were allergic to me?

Oh, boy, I'd take sh*ts,

anything rather than
have to give you up.

Yeah, you're true
blue, buddy-boy.

Ed, what would you do if
you were allergic to me?

Well, if I were allergic to you,

I'd, I'd... [sneeze]

- Cut it out.
- [Ed laughing]

Why, look at those trout.

Lovely, huh?

Yeah. Got any butter?

That looks good.

[both, in harmony] ♪
Oh, give me a home ♪

♪ Where the buffalo roam... ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪
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