03x10 - Disappearing Horse

[bunniefuu]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

That's terrific, Ed.
How do you do it?

Clean living.

I can't get a card in today.

Wonder what I'm doing wrong.

Missing the hat, mostly.

Come on, give me a hint.

Look, am I holding
the card wrong?

Yes, you sure are.

Well, how should I hold it?

Like me, in your mouth.

In my mouth?

Yeah, but try to
keep your lips dry.

I couldn't do any
worse. Lips dry, huh?

Uh-huh.

Mm-hmm, uh-huh.

Hey!

The trick is to try
to keep your lips dry.

With the price of
wigs these days,

how can you afford
to keep flipping yours?

Well, I mean, we were just...

I, I had to, uh...
What's new, Rog?

If we may return to
the world of sanity

for just a moment, I'd
like to ask a favor of you.

Well, sure, what is it?

You know our wives are involved

in this ridiculous
community theatrical project?

What about it?

This year, it's going
to be a variety show,

and the husbands are
going to be asked to perform.

Now when Carol asks
you, please say no.

Then Kay won't have any
argument to use against me.

I don't know, Rog,

I find it very hard
to say no to Carol.

Why? I say no to
my wife all the time.

All right. Bring your wife over,

and I'll say no to her.

You're a real friend.

I don't know whose.
Certainly not mine.

Oh relax, Rog.

I don't intend to be
in that variety show

any more than you do.

You mean we're together in this?

Like two musketeers.

All for one?

And one for all.

Side by side?

Through thick and thin.

It sounds great,
but I don't believe it.

No, Kay, I haven't asked Wilbur

to perform on the show.

He'd only turn me down.

I'm going to use the
same system I used

to get him to propose to me.

Hmm?

Well, I kept avoiding
the subject of marriage

and he had to marry me to
find out what was on my mind.

Meanwhile, you work on Addison.

Oh, Carol?

Oh! Oh, Myrtle,
that's a wonderful idea.

Just the kind of
act our show needs.

Oh, I'm sure the audience

will just love your
husband's bird calls.

Bye.

What are you doing, hon?

Just lining up some
talent for our show.

Oh, well, have to
scratch my name off.

It's not on.

I'm too loaded
with work to be...

It's not on?

Let's see, Jack
Langdon, tap dancing.

Look, I'd love to
help out, honey, but...

Paul and Ruth Henning,
hand balancing act.

I've just got too
much work to do.

Sure, Wilbur, that's okay.

I hope you're not sore at
me for not volunteering, huh?

Of course not, Wilbur, I
know you can't do anything.

Well, I like that.

I can do a lot of
things if I had the time.

Well, I wouldn't want
to embarrass you.

George and Gladys
Stamel, twin pianos.

I'm a little worried about that.

♪♪

Wilbur, will you
please stop that racket!

I can't concentrate.

Sorry, dear.

Thought I'd get some
practicing in, that's all.

Oh, honey, do you know
Freddy Hutchins' number?

His wife just told me

that he developed the
most wonderful magic act.

He developed?
That is my routine!

I taught that fellow
everything he knows.

I mean, the changing
color handkerchiefs,

the disappearing
birdcage, that's mine.

The pulling the
cigarettes out of the ear.

Look, if anybody does
that act, that's gonna be me.

All right, Wilbur,

I'll put you down for
three minutes of magic.

Three... Look, I take bows
for longer than three minutes.

That act takes a half an hour.

Half an hour?

All right, I'll do 45 minutes,

but not a second more.
I don't want to hog the...

Who'd you pick to emcee?

We haven't picked anyone yet.

Well, I'll take care
of that, honey.

You know, I'll fill a little
bit between the acts

while people are changing
their costumes, you know.

Don't worry about
a thing, sweetheart,

I'll put on a really big show.

Really big. Hmm-hmm!

No kidding?

And he's decided to emcee it.

Emcee it? He's already
planning the road tour.

No, I didn't have
to talk him into it.

He was like putty.

How are you making
out with Roger?

Still cement. I'll
have to hang up now.

Here comes Gravel Gertie.

Hello, my dear.

Good morning, doll.

Comfy?

Cozy.

Doll?

I will not appear in your show.

You know, there's a
lot of your mother in you.

Sweetie, you play a beautiful
ukulele, couldn't you...

- No.
- But, doll,

all the other husbands
are doing something.

Why won't you?

I will.

Good.

I'll go to bed early that night.

Besides, you're being a
trifle inaccurate when you say

"All the other husbands
are performing."

Wilbur, for one, feels
the same as I do.

If Wilbur would agree to
perform, would you too?

Of course.

Well, then tune up
your ukulele, Daddy-o.

You're in showbiz.

That one.

No, that one.

I certainly appreciate
your helping me

rehearse this magic trick, Ed.

What are you laughing at?

Well, for a guy who wasn't
gonna be in that show,

you're doing everything
but print the tickets.

You just forget about that.

Now, come on, let's
try the trick again.

I put the ball under
the middle cup.

Wilbur!

In here, Rog.

Hi, Rog.

I was just working
on a little magic trick.

This is my cup and ball routine.

You see, you put the
ball under the middle cup

and you... How's
Kay? That's nice, Rog.

Two musketeers?

One of them is
named Benedict Arnold.

I had no choice.

Carol started begging me,
and then she began crying and...

Because of you, I'm going
to have to play the ukulele.

Good. We need a comedy spot.

Comedy?

Well, I've heard you play

and it's strictly
for laughs. Isn't it?

Oh, Rog, you don't
have to perform.

I'll get you out of it. I'll
just do some more magic.

As a magician, all you could
make disappear is the audience.

Well, you don't
have to get angry.

I mean, you can
still get out of it.

Just tell Kay the truth.
Tell her you have no talent.

After that snide remark,

nothing could stop
me from performing.

And don't follow my act.

There's nothing more pathetic

than a turkey trying
to follow a peacock.

♪♪

Well, don't bruise your hands.

Oh, I liked it, doll. I
think it's a great act.

But, shouldn't you
cut it down a bit?

Cut it down? It only runs a
minute and ten seconds now.

It seemed much longer.

I mean, doll, the
important thing is

that you'll be taking
part in our show.

Is it really so vital

if Wilbur gets more
applause than you?

No, I'll just k*ll
myself if he does.

Well then, why don't
we do the act together

that we did in the amateur show?

You remember, you play
and I'll perform with you.

Oh, no, no, no. That
wouldn't be good enough.

You thought we
were pretty good then.

That was 20 years
and 30 pounds ago.

Oh, come on. Let's try it, doll.

You sit over there.

Let's see. I'll need these.

♪♪

Play me a few
bars, will ya, doll?

This better be better
than Wilbur's act.

Oh, it will be.

♪♪

Well, hey, you didn't
learn that in college.

No, I didn't.

Hey, they're pretty
good. I better tell Wilbur.

Lucky for him, he's
got a sneaky horse.

They're good.

Still nothing to worry
about, right, Ed?

Right!

My magic act can top anything
Rog can come up with, right?

Right!

So Roger plays
the ukulele a little bit

and Kay dances pretty well.

Does that mean they're gonna
get more applause than me?

Right!

You're right.

I can't top them with a few
measly little magic tricks.

I need something big,
something really big

that'll knock the audience
right out of their seats.

How about blowing up the joint?

Give me time to think, will ya?

Look at him, walking around

like a chicken
with its head cut off.

Head cut off.

Ed, that is a great idea!

What did I say? What did I say?

One of the greatest
stage effects in magic

is the guillotine trick.

What's that?

Well, the illusion is

that you're cutting
somebody's head off.

I'll use my wife.

Spoken like a true husband.

I hate to top Roger,
but he started this,

so I am going all out.

With that guillotine trick?

That's right, Ed.
It's on to the Bastille!

Pride goeth before a fall.

I just hope heads don't.

You see how
simple that is, dear?

Now it's your turn.

No, your turn.

Come on, honey,
it won't hurt you.

Didn't help the cabbage.

I already explained that, dear.

You see, when you
put your head in,

I just release these
two levers like that, see?

I turn the blade around.

Then when I shove
the blade down, watch.

It doesn't go all
the way through.

That's just a dummy. Huh?

- Understand?
- Yes.

- Yeah.
- Now you put your head in.

- No!
- Carol.

Look, I'll show you there's
nothing to worry about.

Look, try it on me.

Here we are!

Now just release the blade.

Lock it up first. Come on.

Oh, I don't like this.

Come on. Release the blade.

I can't!

Carol, I've seen this
done a hundred times

at our magic club.

Will you just release
the blade? Come on.

All right.

Wilbur?

Wilbur? Wilbur!

Ha ha ha! See, I had you fooled.

Isn't this a great illusion?

Oh, it makes me too nervous!

I can't stand it! Oh!

Look, Carol, there
is nothing to...

Carol, Carol, wait.

Wait for me,
honey, this is stuck.

Carol!

Look, Carol, please,
get me out of this thing.

Ed?

Hi.

Hi.

Where did you get
the crazy necktie?

Forget about that, Ed. Ed...

I want you to help me.

See, what happened
is I was showing this off

and it got stuck.

Would you just
give this a whack?

Yeah, sure.

Watch the ear, will
you? Now the other side.

All right.

Okay?

Ah, that got it!

What happened, Houdini?

I thought Carol's head was
gonna be in the chopper.

Well, she chickened out.

On the way over
here, I got a better idea.

A real showstopper.

What's that?

Well, instead of a person,

I'm putting a horse's
head through here.

I'll tell him when he comes in.

Ed, there's nothing
to be afraid of.

But when the audience
sees a horse in a guillotine,

they'll flip.

Yeah, and so will my head.

Ed, Ed, just a minute.

Do you want to see Addison
have a better act than me?

Suddenly, I'm on his side.

Ed, let me in.

This is very...
Don't shut the door.

This is very important to me.

Now, it isn't often I
ask a favor of you, Ed.

Would you help me, please?

Well, okay, okay.

Who can say no to
a sweet guy like you?

Oh, thanks, Ed.

Oh, you're more than a horse.
You're a real human being.

Is that supposed
to be a compliment?

Well, thanks a lot, fella.

I'm gonna tell Carol all
about our showstopper.

Thanks, Ed.

Showstopper is right.

I'm putting a stop to
this show right now.

Operator.

Hello, honey.

Would you get me
the police department?

Cruelty to animals division.

The guy who called said
to go right to the barn.

Yeah, this must be it.

Okay, Axel, well, I'll bring it
over to your shop this afternoon.

Bye.

Well, Ed, the carpenter is
gonna make that hole bigger

so you can get
your head through.

Thank you.

I was afraid we'd
have to shrink it.

You are amusing, Ed.

Well, I'll just oil
these catches

so they don't stick again.

Are you Mr. Post?

Well, yes, Officer,
what can I do for you?

We got a complaint about
your mistreating a horse.

What?

Something about your
chopping his head off.

Well, now who would accuse me...

Oh, well, that's just some
crank phoning up, you know?

You see, I'm an amateur magician

and I'm putting on an act for
the community theater project.

Oh, no kidding? My wife
and I are gonna see that show.

Have you bought
your tickets yet?

- No.
- Well, don't do it.

I'll give you a
couple of passes.

Oh.

Here we are.

Oh, thanks.

Don't mention it.

It's a pleasure to
be giving a ticket

to a cop for a change.

Say, how does this thing work?

Oh, you want to know
how this works, huh?

Yeah.

Well, just take your hat off.

Put your head through
here, and I'll show you.

I won't hurt you.

Okay. Right through.

There. Comfortable?

- Like this?
- That's it.

Just settle right in.
Don't be alarmed.

We'll just lock you in there.

There we are.

Put this down here just in
case something happens.

Are you ready?

Let her go.

Hold tight.

Quite a trick, huh?

Terrific.

Say, this can't hurt your horse.

If you want to use
him in your act,

you go right ahead.

Hey, come back here.

Ed, come back, Ed,
Ed, come back here!

Hey!

What is that, Charlie?

Never mind. This
thing got stuck.

Get the emergency axe.

Well, you sure fixed me.

Addison's got a great
act and I can't top him.

I'm sorry, Wilbur.

I was so afraid
of losing my head

that I lost my head.

Am I still your horsey?

Yes, you're still my horsey.

Ed, what am I gonna
do? I haven't got an act.

Well, you're great at making
a handkerchief disappear.

It'll take something bigger
than that to top Addison.

Besides, everybody's seen
a handkerchief disappear.

They haven't seen
a horse disappear.

Well, you're about
to see one now.

Come back here, Ed.

Ed, no, come, Ed,
come back here!

♪♪

Thank you, Kay
and Roger Addison,

for your little number.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

for the highlight
of the evening.

For the first time on any stage,

I should like to present
a startling illusion...

The Disappearing Horse,

so called because I
make a horse disappear.

That was just a little
joke to get things rolling.

Assistant, my cape, please.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

for the greatest
illusion of all times,

The Disappearing Horse.

You will notice
this solid oak box.

It has four solid sides.

Absolutely no means...

absolutely no means of escape

except for these two front doors

which are in full
view all the time.

Now, assistant,
my horse, please.

Yes, Wilbur, master.

Thank you.

I place the horse
inside the box.

Come, horse, inside the box.

Now we close the doors.
Stay in there now, horse.

There we are.

No, stay in there, please.

I will now cause
the horse to vanish.

Music, please.

Horse, vanish!

There is nothing
to be afraid of.

The horse has now vanished.

A little gag. Are you ready?

What happened?

You were supposed to
push that partition switch

and go out the back way?

How can I see with all
that smoke in my eyes?

Don't fail me this time.

So much for levity.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

if you will keep your
eyes focused on the door.

Music, maestro.

Horse, vanish!

Ed, what are you doing to me?

What if I disappear forever?
I'll never see you again.

Disappear this time,

or I'm gonna trade you
in for a cocker spaniel.

Now the moment we've
all been waiting for.

And waiting and waiting.
Once again, maestro.

Horse, I command
you to disappear!

Ladies and gentlemen, this
horse had better disappear

by the time I count to 3,

or I will demonstrate
my latest illusion...

Sawing a horse in half.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

my disappearing
handkerchief trick.

Listen to this, Ed.

Community theater
project smash success.

Featured were Wilbur Post
and his comedy magic act,

using a horse.

A horse?

Why didn't they mention my name?

Don't be so sensitive.

What they should have said was

"Featuring Mister Ed and a man."

The important thing, Ed,
was the show was a success.

Wilbur, I must admit you
were the hit of the evening.

Well, I wouldn't say that, Rog.

Neither would I. I thought
you were pretty bad.

Hear that, Ed?

How do you like that big ham?

You're not exactly
knockwurst yourself.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

♪ I am Mister Ed ♪