03x19 - Ed and the Secret Service

[bunniefuu]

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

Your breakfast, sir.

[yawns]

Thank you, boy.

You know, I feel ridiculous,
but I made a bet and I lost,

so here's your Sunday
breakfast in bed.

Let's get a little
light in here.

I want to see what
you brought me.

Well, I'm sure you'll like it.

I have radishes and
apples, sliced carrots, celery,

turnips, and two lumps
of sugar without the coffee.

Uh-huh, yeah, excellent.

Thank you, sir.

Uh, just a minute, boy.

I got a little
something for you.

A dollar tip?

Where did you get money?

Your wife isn't the only one
who goes through your pockets.

- I never should bet with you.
- Hey.

But, you know, when we were
watching that race on television

and we each picked a horse,
I was sure mine would win.

He was the favorite.

Ah, Wilbur, you'll never learn.

It's bad enough to bet
with people on horses,

but never bet with
a horse on a horse.

Oh, you're right.

Ah, I'm really going
to enjoy this Sunday.

After breakfast, I'm
going right back to bed.

Well, that was part of the
bet. I promised you Sunday off.

And it wasn't easy, you know.

You see, ever since
Jacqueline Kennedy's picture

appeared in the
paper on a horse,

women all over have
started hunt clubs.

Even Kay and Carol started one.

They wanted to
use you this morning.

Use me?

Oh, on my day off, I
wouldn't even allow

little Caroline on my back.

Boy, you are lazy.

Never mind. Just
feed me the carrots.

Yes, master.

You know, there
used to be a saying...

Work like a horse.
I'd like to live like one.

Huh?

Uh, Wilbur, I'm waiting.

What for?

- The rest of the bet, please.
- Rest?

Ooh, yes. Sure, sure.

[clears throat]

Well...

Little Orphan Annie
and Sandy, you know,

are hanging over
the cliff when Daddy...

Ed? Ed?

Ed, what are you
doing down there?

[Ed grunts]

What a silly question.

Until you woke me
up, I was sleeping.

Is that all you're
going to do today?

Well, it's my day off.

I'm just going to eat and sleep.

Eat and sleep.

That's going to get
a little monotonous.

Well, if it does, I
won't eat and sleep.

I'll change it. I'll
sleep and eat.

Agh.

Ah.

No sugar, Carol.

Oh, but, Kay, you
always take sugar.

But if I want to look like

Jacqueline Kennedy
in a riding habit,

first I have to break
the eating habit.

[Carol chuckles]

Oh, the hunt club
sounds like such fun.

I can't understand
why Wilbur won't join.

I thought you were going
to work on him last night.

I did.

I put on my prettiest
hostess gown,

daubed perfume behind my ears,

sat in his lap, and kissed him.

And he still said no?

Only to the hunt club.

How did you do with Roger?

I sat on his lap
last night, too.

Did you make an impression?

I'll say.

I crushed his Wall
Street Journal.

You mean Roger isn't
interested in the hunt club, either?

Not yet,

but you know, there might
be a chance he's with us.

I told him how handsome
he'd look in a hunting outfit.

Good morning, Kay.

- Hi there, Wilbur.
- Hi, hon.

Darling, I hate to keep nagging
about the hunt club, but...

Come on. Sit on my knee.

Nobody nags the way you do.

Wilbur, be serious.

You know, this hunt
club is just a fad.

You two girls have been copying
Jacqueline Kennedy again.

Wilbur, you'd look
elegant in a hunting outfit.

That's true.

But it's not going
to get me into one.

See, that's where
we men are different.

We're not like a bunch of sheep
following every fashion trend.

We're individuals.
We think for ourselves.

We... We...

Tally ho.

Did anybody call a cab?

Wilbur is just jealous, Roger.

I'm so glad you
decided to join our club.

Oh, doll, I could kiss you.

Since I am the first
masculine member of the club,

I have decided to
be hound master.

I also have a bugle.

That bugle will blow,
and I think I will. Bye.

Oh, Wilbur, why are
you being so obstinate?

After all, Roger, Kay,
and I have to rent horses.

You have Mister Ed.

Well, it's Ed's day off.

Day off from what?

Uh... The way you pamper him,

I'm surprised you don't push
him around in a baby carriage.

Well, Ed is our first horse.

I think it's a shame

the way you let that horse
wrap you around his tail.

Now, honey.

I admit that Ed doesn't
do the things I tell him

and that he likes to lie
around the barn and eat

and sleep.

Eat and sleep. Eat and
sleep and eat and sleep.

And I'm going to join
that hunt club of yours.

Ed, I...

Ed, where are you?

Ed?

Now where is that lazy horse?

[snoring]

My little cucaracha,
I have news for you.

You will wake up, yes.

I will wake up, no.

If you only want to
know who has a siesta

before taking a nap...

Come on, Ed.
Get up out of there.

Come on. Get up
out of there, Ed.

Look at this pillow.

[Ed grunts]

Ed, I know I promised
you could take the day off,

but I have just
joined the hunt club.

Uh, that's good.

Now, go hunt for a horse.

Oh, come on, Ed. Come on.

[Ed groans]

It's about time you did
something around here.

I feed you and I
take care of you

and I'm going to ride you.

Wilbur, check with me on Monday

when I'm open for business.

Oh, Ed, you'll love it,

running through those
fields, jumping the fences,

galloping across the meadows.

Hold it. Hold it. Let's
get back to those fences.

Which one of us is
going to jump them?

Both of us.

And don't tell me
to get on the bottom.

And how high are the fences?

Ooh, about 4 or 5 feet.

Oi.

Look, Ed, what are
you? Scared? Yellow?

Frightened? A coward?

I'm in there someplace.

Darling, may I please
have the checkbook?

Kay and I are going to
pick up our riding habits.

You know, this is
getting to be expensive.

I wonder if Lady Godiva's
husband had a checkbook.

Well, I suppose I
could save some money

if you wanted me to wear
the same kind of outfit she did.

Oh, no, we're after
foxes, not wolves.

I've got a wonderful man.

Tell him I paid for the outfit.

Tally ho, dear.

Ed, I've had enough of this.

Carol has her heart
set on the hunt club,

and so you and I
are going to go out...

Oh, no.

[snoring]

No matter what I have to do,

you are going to learn to jump.

All right, come on.
Off your enchilada.

Up. Rise and shine. Come on.

There is a picture
of the first lady.

You notice how relaxed she
is as she takes that high jump?

Yeah, she's relaxed,

but that horse
sure looks nervous.

Oh, Ed, you are
going to try this.

It's only 2 feet
high, all right?

Now, go.

Ed, I said go.

Oh, come on, Ed, go.

It takes me a little time
to get my motor running.

You are not getting out of this.

Okay, if I'm going to do
it, I'm going to do it right.

Raise that bar 2 more feet.

All right.

All right, Ed.

And now raise it 1 more foot.

Good boy.

Here you are, Ed.

That's fine.

Now I can walk under it.

Oh, no.

Look, will you jump over
it if I promise to catch you?

Wilbur, I can't jump.

Now, don't say
that. Think positive.

All right, I'm
positive I can't jump.

I'll show you myself
how easy it is.

Now, give me some
room. Stand back.

Now, there's nothing
to be afraid of, Ed.

I wouldn't ask
you to do anything

that I wouldn't do myself.

Now, the main
principle in jumping

is get plenty of
speed and leap, leap.

The main thing is
to have confidence.

If you're sure of yourself,
that's all you need to know.

Okay, now. Give me
a good start, will you?

Just say go.

Go.

I give up.

What's the name of
the game we're playing?

I was teaching my horse to jump.

What horse?

Ed.

I don't see him.

Well, he was just here.

Wilbur, I have news for you.

Your horse isn't here,
and you're not all there.

Ed, down at the camera store,

they told me this was a
film of horses jumping.

Once you've seen it,

you'll have all the
confidence you need.

Ho-hum.

Now, don't be
stubborn. Turn around.

You know I can't watch
a movie without popcorn.

Ed, stop acting like a child.

Now, watch.

See how simple it is, Ed?

You just tuck the
front legs under

and let your powerful haunches

lift you lightly and
gracefully over the obstacle,

clearing it neatly
as you... [Ed] Ha ha.

Uh-oh.

Ow.

That's supposed to
give me confidence?

I didn't know it was
a steeple chase.

At least I hope you
noticed their form.

Yeah, I saw their form.

It's sprawled all
over the track.

Hey, Ed, look, a
fox hunt is different.

Okay, let the foxes
do the jumping,

and they can chase me.

The first lady started
this jumping fad.

The whole
country's going for it.

And this afternoon,
you are jumping.

If the first lady wants to ride,

why doesn't she
ride a car or a bike

or roller skates or an elephant?

I got to get her
off this horse kick,

or all my grandchildren
will have flat feet.

[Woman] Operator.

Operator, get me

the White House
in Washington, D.C.

White House.

Hello, is the lady
of the house in?

Who's calling, please?

Honey, you're
better off not asking

because you'd never believe it.

I must have your name, sir.

Okay, it's Ed.

Your last name?

In my family, we
only have first names.

Sir, I'm very busy. We
really can't waste any time.

Look, lady, I
happen to represent

a very large group
in this country.

Who?

Horses.

Horses?

I represent the
horses of America.

What is it you want to discuss
with the lady of the house?

I just want to tell her
to stop what she's doing

because we won't stand for it.

I think I'm going to switch
this one to the Secret Service.

This TWIX just came
in from Washington.

We have to check
out a local crank.

Another old lady wants Pasadena
to secede from the Union?

No, this one's worse.

Some guy named Post
called the White House.

Says he represents
the horses of America.

[chuckles]

That's quite a riding outfit.

Thank you.

I just want you to know
that for the first time,

I am going riding without you.

You're going to look awful silly

jumping over those
fences without a horse.

Well, I have news for
you, Ed. I don't need you.

I've hired some horses,

and they're in front
of the house right now.

Uh, Wilbur,

that's a pretty nasty
thing to do to those horses.

What is?

Horses are made for
eating and sleeping,

not for jumping fences.

Tally ho.

Girls, we're ready.
What's holding you up?

[Carol] We'll be right down.

I can't get over that
snappy outfit, Rog.

One look at you, and the
fox will jump right into your lap.

When I was a bachelor,

that wasn't all that
jumped into my lap.

When you were a bachelor...

♪♪ [trumpet]

Excuse me, ladies.

Carol! Kay!

The president's wife
and sister are down here.

Wilbur, it's me.

No.

Oh.

[chuckles]

What did the wig cost?

$175.

It's revolting on you.

- I rented it for $5.00.
- You look great.

Look, I'll get my camera
and meet you out front.

I want a picture of the fox
laughing himself to death.

Those poor horses.

I'm not going to let
them jump any fences.

What did the neighbor
say about Post's character?

That's it. They said
he's a character.

He must be, having
an office in the barn.

Maybe he thinks he's a horse.

This must be the phone
he used to make the call.

We better bug this place

and drive around front so
we can listen in on our boy.

I'm striking a blow for freedom.

Take the day off.

Giddy-up. Go. Live.

Now I know how Abe Lincoln felt.

The horses.

Where...

That must be the kook.

He's on his way to the barn.

Better flip on the switch.

Ed, admit it.

You got rid of those
three out front, didn't you?

I sure did, and I don't care
how many more you hire.

I'll get rid of them, too.

Bob, this may be
bigger than we thought.

Nothing is going to help you.
You are going through with it.

I am not. It's too dangerous.

If you don't, I'll
get rid of you

the same way
you got rid of them.

I think we've heard enough.

Let's go.

Uh, Wilbur, let's stop
arguing. I'm not jumping.

Let's face it. I got a
horse that's part chicken.

That's right.

Hmm, well, I'm going
to phone the stable

and get four more horses.

Who are you calling?

Well, I was just
calling the stable

because we need a horse.

Matter of fact, we need
four horses because we're...

The Secret Service?

The Secret Service.

All right, where is he?

- Where's who?
- The other man.

There was another man in here?

Sure.

I'll help you look.

Two men in here.

- Two men now?
- Yeah.

Well, who was the first one?

- You.
- Me?

- Well, who are we looking for?
- The other man.

What other man?

Ed, the fellow you
threatened to get rid of.

Now, where is he?

- Ed?
- Yes.

He's in the stall.

There's nobody in here.
What did you do with him?

Nothing. He's standing
there staring at you.

The horse?

Yes.

Now, what is this all about?

Somebody used this
phone to call Washington

to talk to the First Lady.

[Wilbur] Oh.

Are you sure it was
made on that phone?

Yes, Mr. Post, and
you're in trouble

unless you can
explain that call.

Well, it's, um-It's
not going to be easy.

It never is.

The call might have
been made on this phone,

- but I didn't make it.
- Then who made it?

That's the part that's
not going to be easy.

Try us.

Well, you're not
going to believe this

because nobody would believe it.

Go on, Mr. Post.

My horse made that phone call.

Why did you say nobody
would believe that?

Then you believe it?

Well, we're listening anyway.

But it's true.

My horse talks.

Oh, well, that's easy.

All we have to do
is hear him talk.

Go ahead, horse. Say something.

Oh, it's no use.
He only talks to me.

Then you ask him
to say something.

All right. Ed.

Please?

Oh, I forgot. He's mad at me.

That sounds reasonable.

Look, gentlemen, it's true.

My... My horse
made that phone call.

Sure, sure.

But there's just one little
thing that bothers me.

How did he dial? With his tail?

Oh, no, not with his tail.

That's funny, but
no, no, no. Here.

Oh, you see, this
is how he does it.

He picks the phone up
with his teeth, like this.

And he puts it down.

Then he takes the
pencil in his mouth,

and he just dials the number.

He just dials the
number, like that.

I know this looks
strange to you,

but aside from my horse,

we're just a peaceful,
average American family.

Wilbur, where are the horses?

Oh, pardon me.

Uh, gentlemen,
I'd like you to...

This is my wife, Carol.

No, I'm Kay. There's your wife.

Oh. Oh, yes. This is my wife.

The reason I was mixed up

is because they're
both Jacqueline.

What I'm trying to say is...

Girls, this is the
Secret Service.

Oh, you dolls, you came
here to find our horses.

That was quick service.

How did they know
they were gone?

I wonder who else is
normal around here.

Well, I'm ready for the hunt.

Who are you, sir?

I am Roger Addison,
hound master.

Roger, these gentlemen
are investigating us.

Well, I... I... I didn't
think I was playing

loudly enough to
disturb the neighbors.

Look, I don't know what's
going on around here,

but we've got to
get to the bottom of it

or Mr. Post is in
serious trouble.

Now, please sit down, everybody.

So, you see, that's
why we've got to find out

who made that phone
call to Washington

to try to talk to
the First Lady.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Hello, Secret Service?

Yes?

I've got a confession to make.

Yes?

Wilbur Post is innocent.

I made that phone
call to Washington.

You did?

Yeah, I'll give you
the exact words.

I said "I'm talking for
the horses of America."

Those were the exact
words. Why did you say that?

I'm Ed. I'm a horse, and I talk.

Bob, what's wrong? Who was it?

We better write this case off.

Good-bye, folks,

and, uh, happy
whatever it is you're doing.

- Bye.
- Bye. Thank you.

- Thank you.
- Yes, nice of you to drop by.

Bob, what was it?

Who was on the phone?

It was that voice
we heard in the car.

That Ed fellow, he, um...

He said he's a horse
and that he talks.

You know something?

I think we're the
victims of a big joke.

Why not?

Post works in the barn.
The horse lives in the house.

Wilbur?

Come on, honey. We're
all ready to go riding.

I'll be out in a minute, dear.

Okay. Oh, by the way,
please be more careful, dear.

You tracked up the
carpet in the living room.

Tracked up the carpet?

That was my fault, Wilbur.

I forgot to clean my horse
shoes before I went in.

You were in my living room?

Well, who do you think
phoned the Secret Service?

[chuckles]

Oh, Ed.

Oh, by the way,
when we get out there,

you won't be afraid
to jump, will you?

There's one consolation
if we go down,

[both] we go down together.

I know, Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪