03x26 - The Blessed Event

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mister Ed". Aired: January 5, 1961 – February 6, 1966.
A horse named Mister Ed shares his words of wisdom only with Wilbur, his hapless owner.
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03x26 - The Blessed Event

Post by bunniefuu »


Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

Good morning, Ed.

Morning, Wilbur.
What's with the hat?

Oh, I'm barbecuing today.

We're having the Addisons over.

If he's coming
over, include me out.

You weren't invited.

In that case, I'm
definitely not coming.

Hey, buddy-boy?

What is it, Ed?

Fix me a couple of
barbecued carrots to go.


A pair of barbecued
carrots to go,

hold the hay,
heavy on the alfalfa.

Wilbur, I'm serious.

They're for my friend
Domino. She's having a baby.

Oh, you mean Domino that
horse over at the Tally Ho s*ab?

Yep, she's eating for two now.

How did you find out?

Her husband, Chugalug, told me.

Man, he's so nervous,

the vet might have to
take care of him first.

[both chuckle]

I think I can slip you a
couple of carrots for Domino.

[Carol] Oh, Wilbur?

By the way, next time you
bump into the happy couple,

congratulate them for me, huh?


Uh, Wilbur?


Do you think I could take Domino

a few apples from
Addison's tree?

She gets a craving
at night for them.

That tree is Roger's
pride and joy.

Well, supposing a few of them
were to accidentally fall off?

You mean accidentally
like last time?

That's right.

Like that catapult you invented
with the rake and the pillow

that knocked them
onto the ground?

Yeah, that's the kind of
accident I was talking about.

I want you to promise me

you will never
use that trick again.

Well? I'm waiting.

Poor little mother.
She's waiting, too.

I want that promise.

I can't afford to take her
strawberries and ice cream.


Uh, okay, I promise.

Aha, you had your legs crossed
when you made that promise.

I did? Well, how
do you like that?

I must have put my shoes
on the wrong feet this morning.

Ed, if you ever
pull that trick again,

there's going to be a
new horse in that stall.

And there's going to be

a new little horse
in Domino's s*ab.

And a mother loves apples.

I remember when you couldn't
take enough pictures of me.


Once when we were dating

you sh*t three whole rolls of
me at the beach, remember?


I'm leaving you, Addison.

My lawyer will call
you in the morning.


Oh, Kay, Kay, Kay,
you're not serious.

Why not?

I'm suing that tree for
alienation of affections.

Why, darling, of course I
want to take a picture of you.

Sweetheart, stand right
over here by the tree.

- Well, okay, Addison.
- That a girl.

- Now, get close to the tree.
- All right.

Now, you never looked
lovelier. That's the pose I want.

Just the one. Keep it that way.

Now hold it. Smile.

You look beautiful.


Very good. Don't move now.


Say cheese.


You moved.

Uh, Kay, I didn't
mean it. I'm sorry.

Please say something. Huh?

Cheese, you rat.


Hello, Kay.

Oh, you better not let Addison
see you in that chef's hat.

He keeps thr*at to leave
me for someone who can cook.

Too late. I'm spoken for.

Oh, Wilbur, look.

Kay brought over this
electric f*re starter for you.

Oh, well, thanks, Kay,
but I really don't need it.


Well, I've got everything set.

I've got the good
old tongs here.

I've got my basting
brush, my fork, my spatula.

I've got my garlic salt. I've
got my little wiping cloth.

I've got my gloves, my
matches, and the finest...

What's the matter?

Forgot the charcoal.

Domino's going to
love Addison's apples.

m*ssile on target.

Ed, you did it after
I told you not to.

What have you got
to say for yourself?

Motherhood comes first.

What am I going to tell Roger?

Old fuzz face always
gives us the apples

the wind knocks off his tree.

Do you think Roger
is going to believe

the wind blew a heavy
cushion into his backyard?

Why not? He isn't
very bright, you know.

Roger is as bright as I am.

That's what I said.
He's not very bright.

I know. I know.

[Roger] Oh, Wilbur?

Yes, Rog?

Now we're going to get it.

Get into your stall. Come on.

Get in here.

In here, Rog.

Wilbur, would you like
some of these apples?

Oh, well, yes.
Thank you very much.

The wind blew them off my tree.

Oh, yes, we did have a little
wind this morning, didn't we?

Why, it must have been a gale.

It even blew your
cushion into my yard.

The c-cushion.

Sometimes I wish I weren't
as bright as you, Rog.

Sometimes I wish I knew
what you were talking about.

Oh, you want me to help
you with the barbecue?

That's right. The
barbecue, of course.

Yeah, maybe I should gift
wrap these apples for Domino.

♪ Rock-a-bye baby ♪

♪ On the treetop ♪

♪ When the wind blows ♪

♪ Roger's apples will drop ♪

I see you're using

that old-fashioned
plain charcoal.

That's the best kind.

I prefer briquettes.


Well, plain charcoal
gives it a better flavor.


Plain charcoal.

All right. All right.

Uh-uh, uh-uh, wrong side.

Open the bag on the other side.

It doesn't make any difference.

Oh, yes, it does. You open
the bag on the other side,

then all you have to do is
pull that little loop across.

It doesn't make
a bit of difference.



Thank you.


Oh, whoa, too much.

There's too much
something around here,

and it isn't charcoal.

Well, I'm just trying to
give you a little advice.

You've got too much
charcoal on there, friend.

No, I haven't, friend.

Why don't you just
pour the whole bag on?

Any more advice, Rog?

Yeah, now stick a
flag in that mountain

and claim it for America.


Ed, when I get this f*re lit,

I'll roll some carrots
in brown sugar for you.

And then... Ed?


"Dear Wilbur,

"I have gone down
to the Tally Ho s*ab

"to visit Domino

and find out how soon
her baby is expected."


Hey, too much.

It says right on the can here,

"Use generously in order to..."

They tell you that
deliberately so you'll use more.

Oh, sucker.

- How are you coming, honey?
- Just fine.

In spite of what some sidewalk
commentators might have to say.

Would you pass me the
matches, please, dear?

Girls, you're just in
time for the blastoff.

I have not got too
much fuel in there,

nor too much lighter fluid.

Honey, remember
what happened last time.

Yes, Wilbur, you
better be careful.

I know what I'm doing.

Oh, of course.

Stand back, everybody.




Huh? That's not too much.

I told you so.

Wilbur, are you all right?

I am perfectly all right.

[Addison laughs]

Wilbur. Wilbur.

Oh, I knew it. I knew it.

P... A... T.


One of these names ought
to be good for Domino's baby.

What are you doing?

Domino ask me to help her
think of a name for her baby.

Oh, how about Thunder or
Snow Boots? That's good.

Or Dobbin?

Those are all horse's names.

I thought she was
having a horse.

To you it's a horse.
To her it's a baby.

Oh, pardon me for butting in.

Ed, do you know
where my car keys are?

How would I know? You
never let me use the car.

Huh, here they are.

Where are you going?

Well, I've got to rush
down to the store.

You see, my chef's
hat caught f*re.

Yeah. I asked you not
to play with matches.

Oh, and I've asked
you to let me know

when you go visiting
instead of just rushing off

and leaving a note.

I meant to tell you, Wilbur,

but you see, it was like this.

Never mind, Alibi Ike.

Hmm, Ike.

Yeah, that might be a
nice name for the baby.


Oh, Oscar of the Waldorf?

Wilbur, I have the recipe
here for that barbecue...


Are you hiding from me

just because I
tried to help you?

Of all the childish things
I ever heard of in my life.

A baby.

They can't be having a baby.

Why not? It's a free country.

But Carol would've told me.

Well, maybe
they're shy about it.

Oh, it can't be true.

Or I'd have heard it from
Carol or our hairdresser.

Kay, look, if it's
a boy, if it's a girl.

Now, what do you think...

My name is on the list.

Mine isn't.

Oh, don't feel bad, doll.

Suppose it's a girl.

You can't call a girl Roger.

That Wilbur Post will
have a boy on purpose

just so as not to
name it after me.

Oh, I simply have
to find out if it's true.

Now, don't you go
snooping around.

As soon as you
find out, let me know.

Wilbur, where have you been?

The Addisons will
be here any minute.

I had to buy something.

It's the latest thing in
chef's hats. f*re proof.

Oh, Wilbur, you have such
a wonderful sense of humor.

[both laugh]

Oh, and so pleasant
to be around.

[both laugh]

And so nice to be with.

[both laugh]

What have you done wrong?

You know your golf socks?

Oh, very well.

Well, they got mixed
up and kind of ended up

in the washing
machine with the towels.

My good woolen golf socks?


[phone rings]


Doll, I'm over at
the Posts' house.

You were right. They
are going to have a baby.

I just saw Wilbur holding
up the cutest little booties.


For Wilbur's sake, I hope
the baby looks like Carol.

Oh, Wilbur, is there
something I can do

before the Addisons come?

Yeah, you can take those
steaks out of the refrigerator

before you get them
mixed up with your laundry.

Yeah, here it is.

Doctor Sam Jones, veterinarian.


Oh, my.

I wish the phone company

would go back to the old numbers

and cut out these bingo games.

Ed, I asked you to
stay off the phone.

But I want to call the vet

and find out about
Domino's baby.

Well, you're not
going to call...

I still think the baby
should be named after me.

If it's a boy.


Oh, doll, won't it be fun
having a baby around?

Yeah, after all these years...

What is it? What is it?

The Addisons are
expecting a baby.

[Ed laughs]

Oh, go on.

I got to tell Carol.

Carol, I just heard... Guess.

Guess who's having a
baby on the extension.


I just heard on the extension

Kay and Roger are having a baby.

Carol, I'm serious. I heard
Kay and Roger talking.

Wilbur, Kay is my best friend.

If she were going
to have a baby,

I would've heard it from
Kay or our hairdresser.

You know how shy couples
are with their first child.

That's true.

Wilbur, are you sure
you didn't misunderstand?

Roger sounded so proud,

I thought he was going to
put a diaper on the telephone.

Oh, Wilbur, I'm
so happy for them.

Well, if it isn't
the two proud...


That's right.

[all laugh]

Anything we can do for you, Kay?

Oh, no, no. I
smelled the barbecue

and thought I'd come
over and take a closer sniff.

Kay, why don't you
get Roger over early,

and we'll all have a drink
together before dinner?

That's right. Just
the five of us.

The four. The four of us.

I'll go and get Addison.

Oh, why don't you
phone him again?


Well, I noticed you were using

the phone in our living room.

Oh, yes, well, I
did use the phone,

but I wanted to ask
Addison what time it was.

We have a clock
in our living room.

You got a watch on your wrist.

Oh, well, I like to keep
in touch with Addison.

He worries about me.

Well, I'll run over
and get Addison.

No, no, don't you run.
No, that's bad for you.

You might trip in
those high heels.

No, no, I'll go get him.


Hello, Wilbur.

Hi, Rog.

What are you hanging
around here for, Rog?

Why don't you come
on over for a drink?

A drink? This early?

Yeah, well, I... I just
feel like celebrating.

All right.

Somehow I feel
like celebrating, too.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.


I'm glad I'm barbecuing.

It saves Kay the
trouble of cooking.

Saves Carol the
trouble of cooking, too.


I, uh, hope Kay has
a good appetite now.

When Kay isn't doing the cooking

I'm the one who has
the good appetite.


Well, if anybody
ought to be eating a lot,

it should be, uh... Yeah?

Whoever's hungry.

Come on over, Roger.

Say that again.


What you just said?

Come on over, Roger.


My, that name has dignity.

Oh, yes, yes, it certainly does.

Fine name for a
man, don't you think?

Not a bad name for
a young boy, either.

Uh, yeah, yes.

Of course, now
that you mention it,

Wilbur's a pretty
great name, too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you happen to
look like a Wilbur.


Come on. We'll have that drink.

Worth thinking
about anyway, isn't it?

Ah, here... here we are.

- Oh.
- Oh, thank you, darling.

Rog, you'll get the next one.

- There you are.
- Now. Thank you very much.

[all laugh]

All right.

- Don't they look great?
- Uh-huh.

Kay. There we are.

Thank you.



Uh, Wilbur, didn't
you make a mistake?

No mistake.


Oh, I can't eat all this.

Oh, try and force
yourself, dear.


Well, you're supposed to.

No, no, this is
for Kay. I'm sorry.

Here we are.

Yeah, but why
should I get so much?

Well, that's... It's the custom.


Yeah, well, you see,
after all, you're the guests...

Would you like some salad, Kay?

Would you mind, please, dear?

I'd like a little bowl.

We'll use your bowl here, dear.

- There we are.
- Wonderful.

Oh, Kay, you'll
manage. You'll manage.

Uh, that's... Just
a little. I mean...

Have some bread, dear.

Well, all right.

Uh, really, no more, Wilbur.

- I feel embarrassed.
- You got a little room there.

Well, I... More on there.


Where you going, honey?

- To clean the barbecue.
- Good.

Aren't you going
to help your wife?

No. I do the cooking,
she does the cleaning up.

You mean you're
going to sit there

and let her do all
that heavy work?

Well, I'll help her myself.

Come here. Here, here.
You just put that down.

You come right over here
and make yourself com...


Now, now, now,
now. You just sit here,

and you make your
little self comfortable.

Let Uncle Roger
take care of that.

Uncle Roger?

Well, just a figure of speech.


Addison, will you give
me a hand with this table?

I'm busy. Can't
you do it yourself?


Don't you touch that
table. I'll move that.

- Oh, no, no. I'll help you.
- No. No.

You just relax. Come on.

- Over here.
- But I...

Just you sit right down.

- Well...
- There you are.


There you go.

There we are.

Uh, you just let Uncle
Wilbur move the table.

All right.

Yes, this is Dr. Jones,
the veterinarian.

Yes, yes, Domino
is a patient of mine.

- But who's this?
- This is a friend
of the family's.

Oh, I see. You're a
friend of Domino's owner?

No, a friend of Domino
and her husband.

Oh, I... I see. You
work around the s*ab.

I never worked a day in my life.

What is it you want?

When is that stork gonna
lower its landing gear?


I want to know
about Domino's baby.

Well, why didn't you say so?

I was trying to be delicate.

Look, I don't have
time to play games.


Domino is calling me.

You mean, she's
ready to have the baby?


Well, take good
care of her, Doc.



I better get over there.


Don't worry, Mommy.

It won't be long now.

The vet's still in
there. Men are lucky.

At least they can
smoke at a time like this.

- Thank you
for the lovely dinner.
- Oh, we enjoyed having you.

But why are you
leaving so early?

Well, uh, don't you
want to take a little nap?

- What?
- Well, we all ate so much, I...

Oh, I'm not tired at all.

I feel like I could go bowling.

- Oh, don't you dare!
- What?

- Don't think of going bowling.
- Kay, don't get excited.

You mustn't get upset.
Don't get her upset, please.

Don't worry. She
won't go bowling.

- I won't go bowling.
- [phone ringing]

I'll get it. Hello.

It's a boy!

Domino and Chugalug had a boy!

It's a boy!

- A boy!
- A boy!

Congratulations, Carol!

- What are you talking about?
- I could cry.

- How does it feel
to be a father?
- How would I know?

Well, you oughta know.
Your wife just had a ba...


Why, you expecting
fathers sure get jumpy.

- How's that?
- We know all about it, Kay.

I heard you and Roger talking
about your baby on the phone.

Our baby? You mean your baby.

Addison saw the list of
baby names you typed up.

I got it out of your
typewriter in the barn.

The typewriter in the
barn... The baby names...

- Yes.
- Wilbur, did you type up
a list of baby names?

Yes. That was for
a friend of mine.

- What friend?
- Domino.

- Who's Domino?
- A horse.

A horse?

♪ Rock-a-bye baby ♪

♪ On the treetop ♪

♪ When the wind blows ♪

♪ Roger's apples will drop ♪

♪ Rock-a-bye baby ♪


Hey. Hi, Wilbur.

Hi, Ed.

Have a cigar.

A cigar, huh?

Yeah. There.


I ordered them by phone.

How much is this gonna cost me?

What's the difference?

It's an occasion.

You're really excited about
being an uncle, aren't you?


If it was a girl,
I'd be an aunt.

[chuckling] Hey,
where you going?

Over to the Tally Ho s*ab.

- What for?
- I've got to babysit.

♪ Rock-a-bye baby ♪

[Mister Ed, Wilbur]
♪ In the treetop ♪

♪ When the wind blows ♪

- [chuckling]
- ♪ The cradle will rock ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪
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