01x03 - Crime and Punishment

[bunniefuu]

[???]

NICOLE:
Cute, huh?

This is my dad.
And this is my dad.

How'd I get two dads?
They inherited me.

Congratulations.
It's a girl.

Here's the judge
who brought us together.

She lives in our building.
My building. I own it.

NICOLE:
we're one big happy family.

One dad who's down to earth

and one dad
with his head in the clouds.

I-I think we're
father of the year.

? You can count on me ?

? No matter what you do ?

? You can count on me ?

? No matter where you go ?

? I'm standing by your side ?

? I'll be right behind ?

? No one loves you
More than I do ?

? Put your hand in mine ?

? You can count on me ?

? No matter what you do ?

? You can count on me ?

? No matter where you go ?

? You can count on me ?

[???]

I knew this loft
was a seven iron.

Hey, since when
do you play golf?

I just bought these.
Why?

Joey, we have
a little girl now.

We have a responsibility
to live a long time.

'Cause I want to be there
to see her get married.

I want to be there
to see her have children.

I want to be there to say,

"Hey, will ya call your father
once in a while?"

You play golf,
you get to be old.

How do you figure that?

Who's on the golf course?

Ten thousand old guys with
funny hats and white belts.

And they're always talking about
their grandchildren.

That's where I want
to be someday.

Let me see
if I got this straight.

A rich guy walks into
your office. Potential client.

He's short, bald, plays golf.

And now you got a new hobby.

He's not bald.

[CORKSCREW SQUEAKS]

Besides, golf is great exercise,
and I'm gonna outlive you.

Yeah, well, you exercise
your way, I'll exercise mine.

Why? Where you going?
I got a date.

Ooh, I can smell.
Oh, yeah?

What? Too much cologne?

Not if you take separate cabs.

I gotta tell you
about this woman.

Oh, please do,
because you know,

I'm gonna be watching
Porky's II

on the Spanish channel
tonight,

so hearing about the evening

of heavy breathing
you've got planned

would really cheer me up.

She's a co-pilot for an airline.
She's flying out at a.m.

No time to waste,
you know what I mean?

You got dinner
on this flight?

Yeah. She's waiting
for me down at Klawicki's.

She only comes through town
two, three times a year,

so we've got a lot
to catch up on.

Two or three times a year?

Joe, are you sure you want
to tie yourself down like this?

Good night, Nicole.

NICOLE:
Good night, Joey!

Hey, don't grow up
while I'm gone.

NICOLE:
I won't.

[IMITATES SPORTSCASTER]
of the ' Masters

live from Augusta, Georgia.

Michael Taylor is sh**ting
for the coveted green jacket

to go with his white belt
and funny hat.

But he finds himself in
a spot of trouble

here on the th,
stuck in a loft in SoHo

miles from the cup.

His only hope, a very difficult
chip sh*t around the couch,

out the window, and onto the
wing of a passing Boeing .

The crowd falls silent.

[PHONE RINGING]
I got it!

It's for me! I got it!
Don't pick it up. My phone!

Hello? Yes.

Just one moment, please.

Nothing's wrong.
Everything's fine.

I'll just take this in my room.

By myself.

All alone.

Taylor tells himself
it's none of his business.

It's her life.
He shouldn't interfere.

He has a tournament to win.

Ooh, a nasty slice.

And a bad lie, right
in front of his daughters' door.

NICOLE [MUFFLED]:
to the phone right now.

She's...just in the bathroom.

Yeah. That should be fine. Bye.

[NORMALLY]
Found it.

You know, Nicole,
there's nobody in the bathroom.

I was in there recently,
and nobody said hello.

You heard me on the phone?

Well, I happened to overhear.

No, I didn't overhear.
I was listening.

I'm your father
and that's allowed.

Now, what's going on?

Did you ever see
Romeo and Juliet?

Not in our bathroom.

Okay, I have this new friend,
Cindy. She's .

Juliet was
and Romeo was ,

and the only person
who knew of their love

was Friar Laurence,
and he tried to help them,

in spite of that
Juliet's mother would have

k*lled her had she
known she was out with Romeo.

Hmm, hmm.
And tell me, Friar Laurence,

Where does Juliet's mom
think her daughter is tonight?

Doing homework with me.

And is she?

No.

So you lied.

To her, not to you.

Yes, but you lied.

But Cindy asked me to.

But Cindy
is not my daughter.

My job as your father is to
ignore Cindy and focus on you.

Joey's job as your father
is to help me decide exactly

how you're gonna
be punished.

I'd handle it myself but then
I'd be the only one yelling.

[???]

Oh, I can't believe this.

You dragged me away
from the perfect date.

This better be good.
Now what?

Go ahead.
Tell your father what.

My friend Cindy is out
with her boyfriend,

and her mother
doesn't like him.

So I told her
Cindy was with me tonight.

So?

What do you mean, so?

I mean so. So what?
So what's the big deal.

So we can probably forget
the whole thing

because it's two against one.

No, it's not. Because one of
the two is gonna go to her room.

Now. Let's go. Get up
to your room now. Let's go.

Hey, come on. Don't get all
crazy on her over nothing.

She's just covering
for a friend.

I used to do this
all the time.

I see. May I ask how
your father handled that?

Yeah, he punished me.

Why do you think
he did that?

I think he liked it.

Why else would I get punished
for being a good friend?

Joey, she lied.

No, she lied
to some girl's mother.

She didn't lie to you.

Why am I the only one

who doesn't think
this deserves praise?

Because you're the one
that wants to punish Nicole

because some woman can't
control her own daughter.

I don't want to punish her
but I think we may have to.

What'll it be? You want
to ground her, spank her,

or have her arrested?

I think we should
at least talk to her.

Okay, Ward.
But go easy on the Beav.

Nicole.
Come down here, please.

Oh, great. She looks like
she's about to be ex*cuted.

[PHONE RINGS]

There's the governor
with a pardon.

Hello. Hi.

Good, I'm glad.

No. No problem.

Great, yeah.

See you then. Bye.

That was Cindy.

[SIGHS]
and everything's fine.

This doesn't change a thing.

[CHUCKLES]
Of course not.

Look.

You shouldn't cover
for people.

Cindy could have
gotten in trouble.

I know she didn't,
but she could have.

And don't be popular
with Cindy

if it means that
you have to lie to her mother.

And one more thing.

You don't think of me
as the mean, punishing one,

and him as the easy,
nice one, do you?

For now.

Tomorrow, we're shopping
for a puppy.

JOEY:
Flies an airplane ?

? She flies me to the moon ?

? My baby flies an airplane ?

? To the moon ?

Hey, how ya doing?
I'm b*at.

Hey, tough day converting
dollars to yen, huh?

The market was down. I had
to file three bankruptcies.

Then some guy wants to know

how to live on $
for the rest of his life.

I told him I could help,
but it would cost him grand.

Hey, you think
you had a tough day?

I just spent six hours
painting that chair.

I just saw a $ suit
flash before my eyes.

Where's Nicole?

She went to the movies
with a friend.

I don't want to start this
But.

Last night,
Nicole did wrong,

now we're letting her
go out with friends?

How do we know
we made an impression?

Hey, you talked to her.
She listened. Everything's okay.

[PHONE RINGING]
I'll get it.

Hello.

Hi, Nicole.

Hey, how ya doing?
Movie over already?

What?

Why not?

You what?

What? What did she what?

How did this happen?

How did what happen?

All right. Where are you now?
Where is she?

Give me the address
of where you are.

[WHISPERS]
Give me something.

Okay.

Uh-huh.
Okay, I got it.

Fiddle, fill...

Joe, I can't read
your handwriting.

Fort Lee. No, you stay put.
We're on our way right now.

Fort Lee?
What is she doing in New Jersey?

She didn't see a movie.

Cindy's friend drove them

to somebody's house
at a party in Fort Lee.

Oh, man, no parents
and high school boys.

Okay, all right,
don't panic.

We used to be high school boys
too. Remember?

Hey, hey,
let's just keep in mind

what it was like when
a couple of parents

showed up at
our high school parties.

Okay. Everybody gets a little
nervous, so keep it cool.

Is it okay to knock now

or is that going to put them
over the edge?

Because I'm only thinking
of them now.

[CLACKS DOOR KNOCKER]

Yeah?

Joe, who's supposed to
be nervous again? Him or me?

We came to pick up
our daughter.

We're fathers.

I don't think
he's impressed, Joe.

I think
he ate his father.

So you just stay
right there

because you're doing
a terrific job.

[SULTRY DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

Nicole?
Wrong.

Anything I can do
for you gentlemen?

Yes. Nicole Bradford.
Where is she?

Who is she?
With all due respect.

MAN:
Hey.

Please don't handle
my guests.

She happens to be
our -year-old daughter.

I can assure you, sir,
if she is years old,

she is not authorized
to be here.

Nicole.

Nicole?
Nicole Bradford?

That's right.

I drew her name out
of the hat.

What?

What's my daughter's name
doing in a hat?

Well, that's a funny story.

You see, we were playing
this charming little game,

and apparently Nicole
misunderstood the rules.

Keep talking.
Thank you.

You see, the ladies
all put their name in a hat,

from which the gentlemen
each draw a name.

Then each couple retires to
the closet, where they spend--

Seven minutes in heaven.

Uh-huh.

Who's she in there with?

No one, sir. She's playing
the game all wrong.

Nicole. We're here.

She locked it.

Nicole, we know you're in there.
Now, answer me.

Joey, our little girl
is locked in a closet

in New Jersey,
and she won't talk to us.

I think we should consider
our next move very carefully.

You come out of there
right now.

NICOLE:
No.

[APPLAUSE, CHEERING]

NICOLE:
I'm afraid to come out.

You're mad. You'll k*ll me.

[SIGHS]

Nicole, you can't live
in the closet forever.

NICOLE:
and a phone.

Listen, sweetheart, look.

Look, we were mad,
but we're not mad anymore.

Okay, now, you come out of there
and I won't yell at you.

NICOLE: Promise?
Yes.

NICOLE:
Cross your heart?

Honey, he's crossing his heart
right now.

If you come out,
you could see it.

Who is this?

You crossed your heart.

He crossed his heart.

I didn't cross nothin'.

We're gettin' outta here.
Come on.

Well, thank you, gentlemen.
You know your way out.

Bye, Cindy.
Bye.

You're Cindy?
Mm-hmm.

Say good night, Cindy.
Good night.

[WHIMPERS]

[???]

MICHAEL:
Sit in silence.

You don't think Cindy's mother
is gonna want to know

what her little daughter
did tonight, do you?

I think she will.

You're not gonna
tell her, are you?

No, we're not.

You're gonna tell her.

Do I have to?

I think so.
Don't you think so?

I think so.

I also think you should
wash your face.

Bathroom's over there.

If soap doesn't work,
we have a blow torch.

No, no,
you sit down.

Now, just for us...

what happened tonight?

I thought we were
going to the movies.

Then Cindy's boyfriend
shows up,

and the next thing I know,
we were at this party.

There was nothing I could do.

See, Joe,
what happened was,

the two of them,
Cindy and her boyfriend,

they tied Nicole
into the back seat of the car,

and then they painted her face,
and then they put in these

shredded grapey things
in her hair, right.

And then they dragged her,
kicking and screaming,

all the way to New Jersey.

There was nothing
she could do.

Nicole, we trusted you.

All right. You're next in line
for the sink.

Go ahead.

When that closet door opened,

and I saw a -year-old face
on my daughter's head,

that's when I snapped.

She's gonna be someday.

No, Joe. I don't think
we can allow that.

What are we gonna do?
Keep her from growing up?

If that's an option,
I think we should explore it.

She's gonna be putting
makeup on for real soon enough.

No. No, she's not.

It all starts with makeup.

What?

Follow me, Joe.
Makeup, grow up.

Grow up, grow out.
Grow out, make out.

Make out, makeup.
We have to break the chain.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]
I'll get it.

Just a minute.

Hi, I'm Sandy.
Cindy's mother?

You must be the two fathers
I've heard so much about.

Hi, Mom.

Oh, hi. Come on, honey.
I'm double parked.

Thanks so much for taking care
of my little girl.

Cindy.

Tell your mother
the situation.

What's that?
Ahem.

Look, Mom. I wasn't
at the movies tonight.

I was at a party.

In New Jersey.

With boys.

[SIGHS]
you told me.

Come on, sweetie,
before they tow my car.

Can we stop for ice cream?
Sure.

Look, Dad.

I wasn't really
at the movies tonight.

I was at a party
in New Jersey with boys.

Now, how 'bout that
ice cream?

No ice cream.
Not for you, and not for me.

The only one who gets
ice cream here is Michael.

Why?

You're the only one who
hasn't done anything wrong.

You wanted to punish her
last night,

and I stopped you.

She deserves to be punished

just like I deserved to be
punished when I was a kid.

My God. My father was right.

You're gonna punish me?

Yes.

You fellows raised in a barn?

You have to learn
to shut a door.

Judge! Judge, judge.
Come in.

Come in
and have a cup of coffee.

WILBUR:
Hi, sweetie.

What's going on?

We got a little private
family situation here, judge.

It's no problem.

I can respect that.

What'd the kid do?

I'm new in school,
I have no friends to talk to,

I'm on an island
surrounded by nothingness.

And finally a hand reached out

and took me to a party
in New Jersey,

and I forgot to tell my dads.

And you're going
to punish her for this?

Yes.
Yes.

Good boys.

Judge.

See you when you get out.

You gonna listen to her?

No, you are gonna
listen to us.

We don't want you to be
friends with Cindy anymore.

Cindy's my friend.

No, she's not.
She's trouble.

She's a user,
and you don't need that.

You'll make new friends.

Starting in two weeks.

You're grounded
for two weeks.

Your life is
gonna be school.

And your room.

And your homework.

Would it help
if I said I'm sorry?

A lot.

Would it knock a week off?

No.

I'm sorry anyway.

[CLEARS THROAT]
Joe?

Uh...

We're finished with
the punishing part, right?

Phew.

She better be good
for the rest of her life.

Because I'll tell you,

I can't go through this
on a regular basis.

You think she's not gonna
love us anymore?

Joe...

I'm not crazy
about us right now.

Honeymoon's over.

Yep.

It's official.

We're parents.

And as parents, we did
the right thing, didn't we?

Yes.

Do you think
she understands that?

No.

When is she
gonna understand that?

The first time she
has to punish her own kid.

Let's get her one.

Grounded for two weeks.

I feel as punished
as she does.

Yeah. So do I.

When is this
going to stop?

[SIGHS]
In two weeks.

[???]

Maybe sooner.

[???]