01x05 - Friends and Lovers

Episode transcripts for the TV show "My Two Dads". Aired: September 20, 1987 – April 30, 1990.*
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Joey and Michael, who fought over the same woman 13 years ago now have, upon her death, been awarded joint custody of her daughter - who might be either of theirs.
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01x05 - Friends and Lovers

Post by bunniefuu »

[???]

NICOLE:
Cute, huh?

This is my dad.
And this is my dad.

How'd I get two dads?
They inherited me.

Congratulations.
It's a girl.

Here's the judge
who brought us together.

She lives in our building.
My building. I own it.

NICOLE:
we're one big happy family

with one dad
who's down to earth

and one dad
with his head in the clouds.

I-I think we're
father of the year.

? You can count on me ?

? No matter what you do ?

? You can count on me ?

? No matter where you go ?

? I'm standing by your side ?

? I'll be right behind ?

? No one loves you
More than I do ?

? Put your hand in mine ?

? You can count on me ?

? No matter what you do ?

? You can count on me ?

? No matter where you go ?

? You can count on me ?

I'm stuck on this question.

Yeah, that's a hard one.

Go ahead, read it again.

"You leave the disco
in your date's Ferrari.

"He drives you home
and walks you to your door.

"Gazing deeply into your eyes,
he asks

"if he may kiss you
good night.

What should you say?"

Touch me and my father
will rip your face off.

That's correct, Dad.

WOMAN [DISTANTLY]:
Legs! Legs?

Hey, Legs!

[CHUCKLES]
That's my date.

I gotta run.

Thanks for watching Nicole,
Dana. You're an angel.

Oh, no problem.
What are neighbors for?

Ooh, that face,
I miss it already. Ooh.

Good night, Dad.
Good night.

Anybody need anything?

Just go.
JOEY: All right.

Bye.

Good evening, Joey.

There's a delightful
young lady

standing in front
of my building calling out:

"I want you, I want you now,
the love train is boarding."

Would you know
anything about this?

Me? Gosh, no, judge.

I can ask around for you.

I'll handle it.

Sorry to be a bother.
No bother.

Good night.

All right, I'm on my way
outta here now.

Okay? Everybody's comfortable?
You happy?

It's a little chilly in here.
You need a blanket?

Leave.

I'm leaving. Bye.

Have a good time, Legs.

How come Joey
doesn't bring his dates

up to the apartment?
Come on.

Oh.

I gotta be one of
the two dumbest dads you've got.

Michael. What are you
doing home so early?

I left with my date
for a : dinner

at this quaint little
over-priced nouveau-shlock,

lines around the block,

$-extra-for-a-lousy-
cloth-napkin restaurant,

and I forget my wallet.

I don't know.

Where's your date?

Oh, my God. I left her
in the cab. I need my wallet.

I gotta buy her back.

Michael?

I paid for
the cab driver myself.

Robin. Come on in.
Come on in.

Meet my family.
Meet my daughter.

Your daughter?

This is Nicole.

Nicole. Hi.

Uh, pleased to meet you.

You have a daughter.
Yeah, isn't she terrific?

I-- You two
are gonna be great friends.

Oh...

Come on. Come on, I'll tell you
all about her over dinner.

Uh, Michael, wait.
Now, what's wrong?

You didn't tell me
you had a daughter.

Yeah.

Well, you just
don't get this, do you?

I don't get what?

This changes everything.

You didn't tell me

you had a daughter
when you asked me out.

Would it have made
Yes.

You're serious?
Of course I'm serious.

Michael,
I don't want a family.

I don't even want a dog.
Wait, wait, wait.

You're gonna love her.

You two,
you'll hang out together.

You'll be like
mother and daughter.

This isn't helping, is it?

Goodbye, Michael.

Uh, what happened?

Nothing.
Nothing happened.

But your date just left.

Yeah. She was tired.

It was because of me,
wasn't it?

No, no, no. She's a jerk.

Jerks get tired really easy.

So Michael, if you're
going to be home,

I guess you won't
be needing me anymore.

Uh, no. Thanks, Dana.

Wait. I know.

I cordially invite you
to join Dana and me

for our Saturday
night ritual,

commonly known as
Pigging Out On Banana Splits.

I don't know. Is there
a dress code involved, or what?

You need a wallet.

Dana, where would I be
without you?

In a cab with a jerk.

Why go out with some woman
who doesn't appreciate you,

when Dana's right here and
you're perfect for each other?

[???]

[MICHAEL, DANA & NICOLE
LAUGHING]

Shh, we'll wake
the neighbors.

Wait. I am the neighbors.

No, no. I can't stand it.
My stomach is broken.

Oh, and whose fault is that,
Miss Two-Banana-Splits?

Now what can we eat?

Oh, no.
It's way past your bedtime.

Throw up and go to sleep.

Okay. Good night, everybody.

Good night.
Sleep tight.

You know,
you two look good together.

Good night.

[GIGGLES]
the Nicole seal of approval.

Yeah, but that's not enough.
I want a dowry.

Tell your father
I need cattle.

[LAUGHS]

Well, I really had
a good time tonight.

Yeah, I did too. Thanks
for letting me tag along.

Well.

Let go.
The date is over.

Good evening, Michael.

Good evening, Dana.

You and Nicole
have fun tonight?

Yeah.
JOEY: Good.

Is she asleep?

Uh-huh.
Like I should be.

Hey, don't leave
on my account.

Dana, wait one second.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[MICHAEL & DANA LAUGHING]

Bye-bye.
Good night.

Hey, hey.

What's all that about?

What was all what about?

All that nudge, nudge,
wink, wink stuff at the door.

I mean, correct me
if I'm wrong,

but that was not the date
you started out with tonight.

That's correct.
My date dumped me.

Ah, that must be humiliating.

You wait. It's gonna happen
to you too, Joey.

'Cause you've got
what I've got. A kid.

Robin dumped me
because I've got a kid.

And I understand that because
I used to be the same way.

I'd date a woman,
go back to her place,

and if I saw a Smurf,
goodbye.

And now, and now here I am,
and I'm someone with a kid.

Are we all out
of Count Chocula?

Two kids.

Let's face the facts, Joey.

We are no longer
college boys on the make.

We're fathers.
We have responsibilities.

And there's a new kind of woman
we have to start seeing.

The kind
that likes Nicole.

Is that why
you're seeing Dana?

I'm not seeing Dana.
We just, you know.

She's the type of person
I'm talking about, but--

She's like a cousin.

Dana is the girl next door.
Dana is Gidget.

So why are you so sensitive
about you and Gidget?

I'm not sensitive.

I just went out with her
for the first time tonight.

And it wasn't
even going out.

It was more like
the sharing of fudge.

So it's not me and Dana.

It's me

and Dana.

Do you get the picture?

What?

[???]

DANA:
Okay, open wide.

Ah.
Now taste.

Mmm.
Chicken piccata.

Chicken piccata.
This is unbelievable.

This is--
And nobody defrosted it,

nobody delivered it,
two wonderful people made it

for me
with ingredients and heat.

I just want to eat this and die.

Hey, what smells so good?

Dinner. For me.

Again?

Dana is a great cook.

And wait'll you taste
her pecan pie.

Which is in my oven,
and probably done.

Nicole, why don't I go get it,
and you wash up for dinner.

Consider me washed.

Joey, can you join us
for dinner?

Oh, no? That's too bad.
Maybe some other time.

No thanks,
I had a big breakfast.

See, that worked out good.

[SIGHS]
Joey, Joey, Joey.

This. This is what
you call a life.

So now you and Dana
are you and Dana, huh?

I used to think
relationships were hard.

I thought you had to
work at relationships.

This relationship is so good,
I didn't even know I had it.

I'm happy for you, Michael.

Dana and I,
we're like a couple of kids.

We go to the park,
we go to the zoo.

Any place in town
with balloons,

we've been there.
It's wonderful.

Sounds comfortable.

Yeah.

What do you mean, comfortable?
Huh?

I said it's wonderful.
You said it's comfortable.

I meant comfortable
in the least boring sense.

That's not better.

Michael, it's your life.
Do what you want with it.

You shouldn't listen to me
anyway

because I only get you angry.

Why are you doing this, Joey?

Why? Dana and I have
something wonderful here.

This is about not getting
any chicken piccata isn't it?

I don't see any you and Dana.
I see you, Dana and Nicole.

What's wrong with that?

Nothing, if that's
what you're looking for.

That's what I'm looking for.

Good. Hey, the zoo,
the park, balloons, oh, my.

That's okay
with you and Nicole.

But you and Dana,
you oughta

find places where there's
people your own height.

I think maybe
you're a little bit jealous

because you're on the outside
of a great relationship.

There is no relationship.

Two is a relationship.
Three is the Supremes.

You don't know anything
about this woman.

I know everything
about this woman.

Who's her favorite author?
Her favorite group?

Have you ever been
alone with her?

Wait, wait, wait.
When you say alone, how alone?

I mean, just the two of you,
Michael.

I know
that's a radical concept,

but one you're gonna
have to explore

when Nicole goes
off to summer camp,

and Mommy and Daddy have to
become man and woman.

DANA:
I need a little help out here.

[???]

I've got dessert.

Where's Nicole?

Let's put the pie down.

What's going on?

More pie for us.

You kissed me.

You seem surprised. Which is
an interesting response.

Just not the one
I had in mind.

Well, what did you
have in mind, Michael?

I mean, why did you
bring me to my place?

I brought you here because--

I brought you here because
I have to know something.

What?

Okay. You and I have become
very close very fast, so...

So you know.
Naturally, the question arises.

Uh, who's your favorite group?

What?

Group.
Who's your favorite group?

Well, religious or political?

Singing.
Just say the Beatles.

I like classical music.

No, you don't. No.

Forget that question,
forget it, we'll move on.

Who's your favorite author?
It would be Hemingway.

It's Hemingway, right?
Steinbeck.

Just say Hemingway Steinbeck.

This is really a great place.
It really is.

Why is everything beige?

Michael,
what's come over you?

Why did you bring me here?
Why did you kiss me?

Because
I'm not hungry anymore, Dana.

We've got to stop eating
sometime. You know?

You cook and you cook
and you cook and I see you

standing there with a pie.
So I have a choice.

I can eat the pie
or I can kiss your face.

Did you make
the right choice?

I'm attracted to you, Dana.

I'm almost positive. I--

[STAMMERS]
I'm trying to explain

that I have a mental
but also a physical attraction

to your presence.

And you're not an unattractive
example of womanhood.,

and I myself
am not exactly slug vomit.

What don't you understand?

Jane Austen.
What?

Is my favorite author.
I don't care.

I don't really care
about her.

I care about us.
You and me.

[STAMMERING]
I mean, what, what are we?

Would we ever
share a toothbrush?

Do you like me at all?
What?

I like you.
Okay. Good.

All right,
so that's a start.

So what we have, then, is a
mutual lack of repulsion. Good.

Which is better
than most of my relatives.

Can we go back to dinner now?

No. No, no, no, no.
Not yet.

You're not going anywhere.

I have to know
how you felt about the kiss.

Now, on a scale
of one to two,

because I don't really need
an ego b*ating right now.

Well--
Nah, nah.

The sun was in my eyes.
That didn't count.

I was off-balance
for the whole kiss.

That was not
my best work. No.

Michael, it was fine.

Fine?

It was fine?
No, no, no, no. Fine.

Fine is not what you want to
hear after "How was my kiss?"

No. Fine is like:

"How's your uncle?"

"He's fine."

Fine is: "Hey, how's that new
roofing material?" "It's fine."

You know, but fine,
fine is not good.

Fine.
Fine is just fine.

What do you want me to say?

I don't want to want
to tell you what to say.

I would like you
to be honest.

And use the word "volcano."

I guess I just never
thought of us that way, Michael.

I would like
to try another kiss.

You would?
Yeah, because that-- That kiss,

that was the one
that everybody gets...

But this one I've been saving
in the back especially for you.

[BOTH SIGH]

BOTH:
Nothing.

Maybe we should save some
of this for Dana and Michael.

Nah, they don't want any.
They're busy.

They're busy?

You know they're busy.

Yeah, I know they're busy.

How busy do I know they are?

They're busy falling in love.

Aha. That's just
what I knew.

And it's about time.
What?

I've been trying to
leave them alone together

for the past three weeks.

They take me to the movies,
I go to the bathroom.

A restaurant,
I go to the bathroom.

The circus,
I go to the bathroom.

I go to the bathroom so much

I don't know why they don't
take me to the hospital.

Hey, you know, you just can't
throw two people together,

and expect that you're gonna
build a solid relationship

like Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head.

I mean, you gotta find
two potatoes that are in love.

They are in love.

They have to be in love.

I owe him.

What do you mean, you owe him?

I owe him a girlfriend.

What are you talking about?

You know, that Robin girl
left him on account of me.

Oh...

Nah, she would've left him
sooner or later anyway.

Well, Dana's not
going to leave him.

They're perfect for each other.

Yeah. What makes you so sure?

Hey, I brought you two
guys together, didn't I?

Good night.

Have good dreams.

You too, Dad.
All right.

You ever have
one of those nights?

I've had 'em all.
That good or that bad?

Never have a man and woman had
less in common than Dana and me.

You're kidding.

You've been gone three hours.
What have you been doing?

Mostly apologizing.

For what?

For pushing something
that never

should have been pushed.

Why did you push me?

Hey, don't blame me because you
couldn't make the sparks fly.

I just told
you to take a look

at what kind of relationship
you had without Nicole.

Well, we took a look.

And we have absolutely
nothing between us.

Except Nicole.

But isn't that the best start?

I mean, shouldn't we be able
to build something on that?

Michael, let me tell you
about my night.

I spent it with Nicole
and a pecan pie.

And it was the best
pecan pie I ever had.

So?

So I hate pecan pie.

So?
So I ate it with Nicole.

Don't you get it? Look.
You don't love Dana.

You love Nicole.

You love her so much that
there's a little left over

for anybody else
who happens to be around.

I know because
I feel the same way.

I mean, how do you think
you and I

manage to live
under the same roof?

Good point.

Joey made a good point.

This changes everything.

Now up is down. East is west.

Joey is wise.

Take me now.

Michael, do you know
how important it is to Nicole

that this thing works out
with you and Dana?

Why?

You could love Dana
if you wanted to.

Just you tell her
that you love her

and she loves you
and you both love me.

I don't see
what the big deal is.

Nicole,
it's not all my fault.

She doesn't love me either.

What?

Honey, I know this is going
to come as a big shock,

but not every woman in the world
is in love with your fathers.

What?

I'm sorry, Joe.

I didn't mean for you
to find out this way.

You didn't try hard enough.

I tried my brains out.

It-- It's not there, Nicole.

So, what's gonna
happen to me?

What?

Michael...

If you and Dana don't work out,

you're going to keep bringing
these women home, like Robin.

Who won't like you
because I'm around.

Pretty soon you won't like me
because I'm around.

Nicole. That--

Is that what you think?

You-- You are so way off.

I mean, that is--
That is in the sky.

That is out there.

That-- That is on Pluto.

In the back.

Hey, here is the truth.
Right here.

I love you.

Come out of the sky.
Listen to me.

Any woman I love
has to love you too.

We're a set.

Does she have
to love Joey too?

No.

[???]

[???]
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