01x12 - The Only Child

[bunniefuu]

[WHISTLES]

Joe!

Guess what today is.

Well, I give up.

Come on. Guess.
Take a guess.

Friday?
It's Friday.

You know what's
special about today?

Why?
I'm gonna k*ll you.

Oh, was that today?

You used my razor,
didn't you?

Oh, did I dull
the blade?

No, no, I got
a great shave, Joe.

I just thought
the toilet paper

would pick up
the green in my tie.

Look, I had
to rough up the wood

on this couch, so I could
paint it, you know?

My couch. You're painting
my couch?

Hey, your couch
was-was drab.

It needed color, okay?
It didn't fit in this place.

This was the one normal piece
of furniture in the whole loft.

I bought this so I would have
one little island of sanity

in plain wood
and white cushions.

And now the wood's
not plain... Oh, no.

[LAUGHS]

You love it, right?

Oh, Mr. Couch...

I am so sorry.

You were so proud and elegant
in the store window,

and now look what
he's done to you.

Let me put you
out of your misery.

[IMITATES g*nsh*t]

You just sunk
sanity island.

Morning.

No. I still
got Nicole.

Nicole is now my one link to
sensibility within these walls.

Guys, don't you think it's about
time you gave me a baby brother?

[???]

NICOLE:
This is me, Nicole Bradford.

Cute, huh?

This is my Dad.
And this is my Dad.

How'd I get two dads?
They inherited me.

Congratulations.
It's a girl.

Here's the judge
who brought us together.

She lives in our building.
My building. I own it.

NICOLE:
we're one big happy family,

with one dad
who's down-to-earth,

and one dad with
his head in the clouds.

I-- I think
we're father of the year.

? You can count on me
No matter what you do ?

? You can count on me
No matter where you go ?

? I'm standing by your side
I'll be right behind ?

? No one loves you
More than I do ?

? Put your hand in mine ?

? You can count on me
No matter what you do ?

? You can count on me
No matter where you go ?

? You can count on me ?

Hey, Nick, are you serious?
You want a little brother?

Would that be
an actual human sibling

or could we just put
Joey in Pampers?

I'm only bringing this up
because my friend Rebecca

just got a baby brother and all
of the rest of my friends

have baby brothers and sisters,
and I was thinking to myself,

gee, out of all of my friends,
I'm the only one who has no hope

of ever being anything
but an only child.

[SIGHS]

'Cause it sure would be nice
to have a baby brother like you

or like you
without the toilet paper.

Ow. Honey, someday Joey or I
could meet a woman,

ow, and get married and then,
a couple of short years--

Ow, a couple
of short years later,

you could have
a baby brother.

Yeah, but I was
just thinking about now.

Well, sweetheart, I can't
actually say that conception

was on my calendar
for today.

Is this something
that's been bothering you,

I mean, is this
on your mind?

No, I guess not.

I guess I'll just
go to school.

Isn't it kinda early?

Yeah, but this way I have
some time before class

to watch the first graders
on the seesaws.

Have a good day, Dads.
All right. Ow.

I know just what
you're thinking.

I know just what
you're thinking.

You're thinking we should listen
to what Michael has to say

and follow Michael's advice
on this subject.

Well, thank you,
I'm flattered,

and here it is:
This is a phase.

After a while, she's gonna
grow out of this phase

and the beauty part
of it is

we have the simplest job
in the world.

All we have to do is not
consider anything drastic.

Isn't that wonderful?
Isn't that a wonderful thing?

Joe?

A little brother for Nicole,
huh? What do you think?

You get a kick out
of this, don't you?

Come on, come on.
You saw her face.

She was serious. Our daughter
wants a little brother.

And I would deny our daughter
nothing except for the pesky

little fact that the last time
I checked, I don't have a womb.

Come on, come on,
will ya?

There's five kids in my family.
Three in yours.

We have no idea what it's like
to be an only child.

Look at it from our side.
We have no wives.

We're only parents.
Only parents have only children.

Everybody knows that.

Yeah, but every kid needs
a brother or sister

that can get them into trouble,
mess up their lives.

Didn't you have
one of those?

Not until now.

The only thing
I can see is Nicole never

asks us for anything
and the one time she does,

you don't want
to consider it.

She's asking us
for another child.

I always wanted
a big family.

Well, there's plenty of time for
that. We're still young, and--

Why am I having
this conversation

with somebody in a beard?

When I get to deciding
how many children I want,

I do not want to be looking
at someone with facial hair,

unless she has
a damn good personality.

Come on.
We're talking one little boy.

You're right. Absolutely right.
You've been right all along,

and I'm an idiot
to argue with you,

because it makes me
Mr. Negative in front of Nicole

and since there is no way
we can get Nicole a brother

and you know that
and I know you know that,

then go ahead.
I'm all for it.

Yeah, go ahead. Call
Bloomingdale's. Boys department.

See if they have any in stock.
Who are you calling?

You happen to know
somebody with the power

to change the laws of nature
as we know them?

Judge?
Uh-oh.

Nicole wants a brother?

Yeah, but Mikey here seems
to think there's no way

that we can get her one.

Yeah, me and medical science.
We're such wet blankets.

Sorry, boys. This time
I can't help you.

Maybe I can talk
to Nicole later.

Unless--

There. Ha.
You see, Michael.

Ha, ha. "Unless."

You've always say, "No, no,
never, never, can't, can't.

But you never once think,
unless. Unless what?

I'm on the board at
the Riverside Children's Center.

It's a state funded program
where kids live

until they can be
placed in foster homes.

It's where Nicole would have
gone if it weren't for you two.

I think I might be able
to persuade them

to let you have a child
on weekends

while he's waiting
for adoption.

Mr. Negative?

I don't hate this idea.

Come on.

It's great.
This is great.

Nicole wants a baby brother,
and we can get her one

without having to take a
home pregnancy test or anything.

Tell you what, meet me down
there at :.

If you hit it off with a kid,
I'll push through the paperwork.

This would be
an actual little boy?

I could carry him
around on my shoulders?

Here's the address.

You're sure this
is what Nicole wants?

Oh, positive. I can't wait
to see her face.

We could give him a nickname.
Give him a nickname. Skip.

Butch. Hoss.

So is it time for me
to go upstairs yet?

No, no, let them
sit awhile.

Let them wonder
why you're so late.

Let them think you're over
at Rebecca's spending time

with her little brother.

Nina, isn't this whole thing
a little devious?

You want to go
to the concert, don't you?

Yeah, but why can't we just wait
till Bon Jovi comes to New York?

Because my cousin
has th row seats

to the concert
in Hartford.

Of course, I could always ask
Rebecca if she wants to go.

It's just...

they looked so worried when
I left them this morning.

They really thought
I was upset.

Are you sure
this is a good idea?

Look at it this way, Nicole,
you're doing them a favor.

When they find out that they
can let you go to the concert

instead of giving you
the baby brother

they can't give you,
you will make them

the happiest fathers
on earth.

It's a perfect plan.

You think it'll work?

[SIGHS]
You're so naïve.

You're an only child.

Nature has blessed you.

You have two fathers.

Nature loves you.

Are you going to use it

or are you just going
to waste your life?

[???]

Look sad.

Look deprived.

And remember Bon Jovi won't take
the place of a little brother,

but it'll help ease
the pain. Okay?

Okay, do it.

Hi, Dads.
JOEY: Hey.

Hi, sweetheart.
How was your day?

She hasn't been herself.

Is there something
wrong at home?

I'm okay, I guess.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I hung out for a while looking
in the window at FAO Schwartz.

Hey, Nick, we did
everything we could.

I-I understand, Dads.

There's nothing
you can do.

Oh, listen, Nina's cousin
is driving to Hartford

to see the Bon Jovi concert
next weekend.

And she just happens
to have an extra ticket.

I don't suppose there's any way
I could go, is there?

Absolutely out
of the question.

BOTH:
What?

You're gonna be
way too busy next weekend.

You're gonna be
too busy this weekend.

Why?

Surprise.

I'm Ben.

I'm your new brother.

Bye!

[???]

That was some game, huh?
Great game.

Thanks for the ball.

Hey, let's see
what you got, huh?

You remember any of the plays?
Yeah.

Okay, hut one, hut two.
Hike it, okay.

And he goes
for the long one.

Aah!
[BOTH LAUGHING]

Hey, I tell you what: Nicole
and me against Michael and Ben.

Don't call me Ben.

Call me what
Michael calls me.

Hoss.

[LAUGHS]

Okay, we got
possession first.

Guys, I've had enough
football for one weekend.

I really got to get
some homework done.

Okay, we don't have
to play any more football.

I think it's time
for Benball.

Benball!
[ALL LAUGHING]

I'll just do my homework
downstairs at Klawicki's.

So make all the noise
you want.

Okay, sweetheart,
thanks.

We'll see you down there
when we take Ben home.

What a steal.

[LAUGHING]

So, what'll it be,
beautiful?

Egg cream, double syrup.

You got ID?

[SIGHS]
the Giant game?

It was okay.

Okay?

Okay?

Football is the greatest
game ever invented.

A classic confrontation
between opposing forces

where only one team may stand
victorious at the battle's end.

Now tell her about
the beer commercials.

Throw it to me.

What?

I want to learn
how to play football.

Nicole, football's
a game for--

Everybody. Yeah.

Go deep and
I'll throw you one.

Why the sudden interest
in sports, Nicole?

It's not sudden, judge.

Sports are my thing.
I'm a natural athlete.

See?

Does this have something to do
with your new little brother?

Who? Ben?

Oh, you mean the kid who when
he's not spending every minute

as my Dads' total center
of attention has to follow me

everywhere, and come into
my room without knocking

and whatever I'm eating
has to have a taste of?

Is that who you mean?
Is it?

Uh...yeah.

Yeah, that sounds like
a little brother, all right.

Nicole.

It's the law of families.

Little brothers
love big sisters.

Is it the law of families
that my Dads seem to be

having more fun with Ben
than they ever had with me?

Nice pass.

Judge...

I think my Dads would
rather have had a boy.

What are you drinking,
Nicole?

Nicole, we just found out
somebody's been keeping

a secret all weekend.

What?

Ben's got a birthday coming up
this Saturday.

He wasn't gonna tell us,
but we tickled it out of him.

[LAUGHS]

Now all we got to do is find
a place we could throw a party

that happens to have ice cream
and cake...and a newsstand.

I'm not wearing
no funny hat.

Hey, this is going to be the
best birthday you ever had, Ben.

Anything you want.

So, fellas...

don't you think
it would be a good idea

to leave Ben down here with us
and have that talk with Nicole?

Yeah, sure.
That would be a good idea.

Another good idea
would be, what talk?

The one that starts with,

"Honey, you think
we've been neglecting you?"

Honey, you think
we've been neglecting you?

Boy, this parent stuff
never quits.

Why don't you
just admit it?

You'd rather have
a boy than me.

Hey, how could you even
think that, Nick?

Nicole...

We don't care what you are.

You're you.

We've always thought
of you as you.

What put this idea
in your head?

Oh, I don't know, maybe
an entire weekend of you two

having the time of your lives
playing football and Benball.

Benball was your idea.

Hey, you came up
with VolleyBen.

NICOLE:
Face it.

You two had more fun
throwing around that little boy

for the past two days
than you've had with me

since I've been here.

You want us
to throw you around?

Yes.

Why does she not strike me
as the throwing-around type?

Ever since the day
that you arrived here

we've always thought of you
more as a-- As a young lady.

Not a little girl.

So if we've done something
to make you feel bad,

we don't mean it.

Sweetheart,
you're our daughter.

You belong to us
and that separates you

from everybody else
in the world.

I'm sorry we missed
your throwing-around years.

And if we've been showing Ben
a little bit too much attention,

then-- Then we feel terrible.

How terrible?

What?

How terrible do you feel?

As terrible as you want us
to feel. How terrible you want?

Well, I think I'm going
to need you to feel really bad

and really guilty and be very,
very forgiving the next time

I do something really wrong.

And that would be when?

It wasn't my idea.
It was Nina's stupid idea.

I told her if I just
asked for the concert,

I wouldn't get it.

So she said ask for the brother,
get the concert.

So I asked
and I got what I asked for,

but it wasn't what I wanted.
How mad are you?

Mad.
Very mad.

What did she do?
I don't know.

So you-- You're saying you
wanted to go to a concert,

so you exploited the fact
that you're an only child

to make us feel bad?

Worked like a charm too.

You going to throw me
around now?

No, I'm here
just to talk.

You talk...
and I'll run.

I swear. I'll never ask
for anything.

I'll never do it again.

You know, Joey, on one hand
I have this terrible guilt

about making
Nicole feel bad.

And on the other hand,
I've got this terrible anger

about her making
us feel bad.

So...

I'd say we're even.

We're even.

So that's it?

I get to live?

Yeah, you get to live,
but that's far from "it."

Nicole, you manipulated us.

That's not the way
to deal with parents.

We don't manipulate you.

I'm sorry.

You gonna punish me?

This is beyond punishment.

Yeah, it's not enough
to just apologize to us.

I mean, there's somebody else
we've got to figure into this.

Somebody who would love
the chance to-- To really be

a brother, or a son.

Ben is here
because we love you enough

to try and give you
everything you want.

Now, how do you think
we ought to handle him?

[???]

Hey, hey.
Aw.

That's very nice.

What is it?

What is it?
Judge.

[IMITATES ROCKET]

See it starts off as a robot.

You twist this,
and turn this and pow.

It's a lunar rocket launcher.

So when the aliens inv*de, you
just flip this thing out here

and those laser cannons
pop out and...

[IMITATES CANONS f*ring]

Will Ben ever get
to play with it?

Yeah. We got one
for Joey too.

Thanks, guys.

I got you something too.

It's a savings bond.

You open this, you unfold this
and in six years,

it turns into bucks.

[MIMICS JOEY]

This is so great. You didn't
have to do this, you know.

You got one more, Ben.

This one's from Nicole.

This is the best one.

But you haven't
even opened it yet.

You didn't have
to get me anything.

If it wasn't for you,
I wouldn't be here.

? Tra, la, la, boom, t-eh ?

? It's Ben's ninth birthday ?

? Ha, all his friends
Are here ?

Plus I got Ben's cake
right here.

[ALL CHEERING]
Make a wish.

Happy Birthday, Ben.

Hey, years old.

Yep. He's getting
to be a big boy.

May I be excused, please?

What did we say?

Wait.

Sometimes a little boy
just needs his big sister.

[???]

You're missing
the cake.

Klawicki makes a real
good football cake.

And he probably has a real good
football story to go with it.

He tells me football
stories all the time.

I don't know
what he's talking about.

I'm .

So?

That means I'm not
even anymore.

So?

Nobody's gonna want me now.

What do you mean?

You're terrific.

It's just like the O'Donnells,
the last family I lived with.

Things were really good there,
but they wanted a baby.

And I was .

And now I'm .

And I'm too big to take naps.

You mean they didn't want you
because you weren't a baby?

Nobody wants a kid
as old as I am.

When I meet a new family
I always sit like this.

When your feet touch the ground,
you're unadoptable.

When my mother d*ed,

I didn't know what
was gonna happen to me.

Then they told me I was gonna
go live with two guys

in New York City
who were my fathers,

or at least one of them was,
but they weren't sure which one.

I was so scared.

My mother loved me
my whole life.

I was just hoping these guys
might like me a little.

How old were you?

Twelve.

It was just
a few months ago.

You're really lucky.

Sometimes I forget that.

There they are.

Hey, we got tired of waiting
for you down there,

so we figured we'd bring
the party up here.

I think the kid and I are going
to go for a walk in the park.

We're a lot alike.

We have a lot
to talk about.

Come on, Hoss.

[???]

I'll take two cards.

Okay.

How many do
you want, Nicole?

I'll take five.

She can't take
five cards.

She can have
five cards.

Then I want five cards.

You can't have
five cards.

I don't like these cards.

Then you can have mine.

Then I'm eating
the pot.

Hey, hey. What are we going to
do with Ben this weekend?

Let's go to
the Statue of Liberty

and then ride the ferry.

We've been to the Statue
of Liberty times already.

Yeah, but Ben never has.

Come here.

You can have my cards too.

Want to hear some
real good news?

One of these days
you're gonna burst in here

without knocking and catch one
of us in a real private moment.

I keep trying.

What's the news?

Well, I got a call
from the Riverside Center.

It seems the O'Donnells
missed Ben very much

and decided they made a mistake
when they let him go.

They brought him back and now
want to formally adopt him.

He's got a full-time
family now.

Just like you,
Nicole.

That's-- That's great.

Yeah.

He's got the big yard,
the trees, the dog.

Here's his address.

He asked
if you'd write to him.

He left you a message,
and I wrote it down.

"Nicole, even though I've got
a new mother and father,

"I hope you will still want
to be my sister.

"Your brother forever,

Hoss."

Who's deal?

[???]