01x13 - Joey's Mother-In-Law

[bunniefuu]

[OMINOUS THEME PLAYING]

[WOMAN SCREAMING]

Lady, get out
of the house.

Oh, that's it,
she's dog food now.

Joe, don't
you think maybe

this is a little
too violent for Nicole?

Come on, lady,
get out of the house.

WOMAN:
Oh, no!

Ah, here comes
the chain saw.

[CHAIN SAW BUZZING]

Lady, get outta the house. Come
on, lady, get outta the house.

[WOMAN SCREAMING]

Okay, next lady.

Maybe we should watch
something less gruesome.

? Here's the story
Of a man named Brady ?

[ALL SCREAM]

[PHONE RINGS]

[OMINOUS THEME
PLAYING ON TV]

Hello? Hi.

Where are you?

Here? You're back
in the States?

You're back--
You're back in this state.

What are you doing
in New York?

You're visiting me?

Yeah, I'm surprised.

Well, of course
I'm thrilled.

I'm standing here thrilled,
you should see me.

An hour?

Oh, all-- Okay,
I'll see you in an hour.

Oh, boy.

What's going on?
Oh, boy.

What's the matter?
Who's coming to visit?

My mother.

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

[???]

NICOLE:
This is me, Nicole Bradford.

Cute, huh?

This is my Dad.
And this is my Dad.

How'd I get two dads?
They inherited me.

Congratulations.
It's a girl.

Here's the judge
who brought us together.

She lives in our building.
My building. I own it.

NICOLE:
we're one big happy family,

with one dad
who's down-to-earth,

and one dad with
his head in the clouds.

I-- I think we're
father of the year.

? You can count on me
No matter what you do ?

? You can count on me
No matter where you go ?

? I'm standing by your side
I'll be right behind ?

? No one loves you
More than I do ?

? Put your hand in mine ?

? You can count on me
No matter what you do ?

? You can count on me
No matter where you go ?

? You can count on me ?

Mom, you just got here.
What are you feeding us?

We ate.
Oh, you cooked, Michael?

No, we had Chinese.

Take-out food?

Oh, Joe, you just set off
the mother alarm.

Don't you cook
for Nicole?

It's skinny time.

Nicole,
you are too skinny.

It's tuna time.

It's only a tuna sandwich,
but it's the best I could do

on such short notice.

She made the greatest

tuna sandwiches,
I tell you.

I never used to eat at home.

I think I gave my own mother
a tuna inferiority complex.

Oh, you are in for
the taste treat of your life.

Mm...
Mm-hm.

Mm...
Mm-hm.

Don't ever leave.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[LAUGHS]
a funny thought.

Mm. Mm. Mm.
Aw.

I remember when you used
to take a bite

of one of my sandwiches,
and I would look at that face

and I'd say, "Someday this boy
is gonna be gorgeous."

And I was right.

You are gorgeous.

[LAUGHS]

My tuna fish smile.

But I don't
understand the beard.

Why do you cover up
that face? Go shave.

[CHUCKLES]

Go on.

[PHONE RINGS]

I'll get it.

Hello?

Hey, Cory,
how ya doin'?

I'm fine.

So, uh, yeah, what do you
want to talk about?

Dad.

Oh, you want to talk
to Nicole, huh?

Oh, well, she's right here.
All right. Bye.

[GIGGLES]

I can't believe it. If I had
drawn a picture of what I wanted

in a grandchild,
there she is.

We're the luckiest
two dads I know.

Who's Cory?
Friend of Nicole's.

More than a friend.

You mean, she's
Nicole's best friend?

No, we mean she's a boy.

Great kid.
You're gonna like him.

Guys, don't use
the elevator for a while.

The inspector
was just here.

Apparently the city code
calls for metal cables.

Hello...
Oh.

Wait, wait, wait.

This is--
This is the judge

that gave us Nicole,
and she's our landlord.

Judge Margaret Wilbur, this
is my mother, Evelyn Taylor.

Oh, very pleased
to meet you.

Michael didn't tell me
you were coming

or I would've
worn clothes.

That reminds me,
can I borrow some detergent?

My clothes just all stood
in the corner

and demanded
to be washed.

I'll check.

Hi, sweetie.

Hi, Cory.

I get a "Hi, judge" when
she's talking to a girlfriend,

but it's just a wave when she's
on the phone with her boyfriend.

Boyfriend?

Great kid.
You're gonna like him.

So you're the one who's
responsible for the arrangement.

It is so comforting to know
there is a woman around

who can teach these boys how to
do all those little things

their mothers always had
to do for them.

Yeah.

How much do I use?

How big is the load?

So big by so big.

Half a cup.

You've done this before.

Very nice to meet you.

Well, I hope
we can get together.

I'd love to know how you
and the boys work this all out.

Oh, they do all
the working out.

I just stop in from time to time
to tell them they're gonna die

if they use the elevator.

That's the judge.

She gave us Nicole,
we give her Borateem.

Come on,
let's finish our snack.

Well, this certainly
is an interesting table.

Thank you.
I made it.

As you can see,
it was a bicycle,

but I took the spokes out

and I put a piece
of Formica in

to fill the wheels in.

What I'm gonna do is put
a trash can lid on here,

make this like a lazy Susan.

It's very creative.

Thank you.
I made everything in here.

And it's wonderful.

I've always told Michael
he should have a hobby.

[CLEARS THROAT]

It's not a hobby.

You know, Ma,
it's interesting,

but Joey actually sells
a lot of this stuff.

He didn't sell this.

Oh, well, how could he?
Where would we eat?

Joey, I know
you're an artist,

and all of this seems
like a lot of fun...

Yes?

But really, do you want
to spend the rest of your life

doing things like this?

It seems such a waste
of your talent.

That's what my father said.

Well, maybe
he has a point.

Uh, Nicole.
Hey, Nicole.

You're being rude.

Bye, Cory.

Come on, talk
to your grandmother.

Come talk
to your grandmother.

Look who came
to talk to you.

Sorry, Grandma.

Oh, I know it's almost time
for your bed.

But before I tuck you in,
you know that suitcase

that Joey said
was so very heavy?

There just might be one
or two things in there for you.

Really?
Yeah.

Grandparents are great.

How many more do I have?

[???]

You know, these pillowcases
don't match the sheets.

Darn.

I wonder, if I snuck into
my room to get the other ones--

No, it's not worth
the risk.

Wake her up, she's
gonna come out and say:

"Joe, isn't it
a little cold in here?

What's a matter, didn't you sell
enough art to buy heat?"

Hey, Joe,
it's just four days.

Ninety-six hours.

And heck, four of them
are already over.

She's gonna be asleep
for the next eight.

And like that,
We're down to .

My, how the time
flies, huh?

Michael...
Pillowcases.

My pillowcases didn't match.

Oh, I figured you
had mine.

You know, I was putting my
things away in your closet,

and I noticed the moths
were getting at

a couple of your sweaters.

Now I could mend them--
Mothballs.

But now you might
finally use mothballs.

Shoe trees.
And those shoe trees I sent you?

Use them.

Mm-hmm.
Oh, and one more thing.

I know this has probably been
on your minds too,

and I can help you here...

She must be
in your closet now.

I know how we can keep
this boyfriend thing

from getting out-of-hand.

There's no boyfriend thing
out-of-hand.

Twelve years old is too young
for Nicole to have a boyfriend.

Especially
in today's world.

I mean, if she's dating at ,
what's she doing at ?

Ma.
Mrs. Taylor,

I don't like what
you're thinking about Nicole.

Oh, Joey, you're
misunderstanding me.

I think Nicole's
an angel, but she's a kid.

She takes her cues
from her parents.

So I guess she's not
insulting Nicole?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
She's insulting us.

Michael, you have
a responsibility

to instill the proper
values in Nicole

at as young an age
as you can.

No matter what happens
to your child,

it's always
the parents' fault.

She still
insulting us?

No, no. Now she's insulting
Mother Wilkes Booth.

Ma, there's not
gonna be a problem

'cause Cory's not really
a boyfriend.

I mean, all they really do
together is study.

And talk on the phone.

Study and talk on
the phone. That's it.

Does she study and talk on
the phone with any other boys?

No. Just Cory.
He's a great kid.

So no matter what
you say, it's still

an exclusive relationship,
which means boyfriend,

which means trouble.

Now, here's my plan.

Okay. We arrange for her
to study with some other boy.

I mean, not that she can't
see Cory, but that way

she doesn't become
obsessed with him.

Doesn't that make sense?

Fine.
No, it doesn't.

We'll talk to her about it
first thing in the morning.

Oh, fine, fine.
Good night, boys.

Good night.

Hey, Michael, what did you
just agree to, huh?

I agreed to peace, Joe.

Relax, relax.

In hours, my mother's gonna
be on a plane to Florida

telling a copilot
how to raise his kids.

So in the meantime,
be passive.

Avoid conflict.

Be like Mahatma Gandhi
and meditate while you wait

for the British
to leave India.

Boys, don't stay up all night
talking because you know

I'll just come back like I used
to and turn out the lights.

MICHAEL & JOEY:
Ohm...

Okay, find the subject
in this sentence:

"The dog ran very fast
down the road."

The dog is the subject
and the rest is the predicate.

All right, your turn.

Find the subject:

"Nicole and Marshall should

study together
all the time."

Let's change the subject.

You see, boys?

See what?

Well, everything's fine
with Nicole.

Oh, don't thank me.
Just takes a little experience.

Ohm...

Michael, this is a big mistake.
Why are we doing this?

'Cause your mother said to?

Nicole does do a lot of homework
with Cory and my mother

coincidentally
pointed that out.

Come on, who is it going to hurt
to make my mother happy?

Hello, Nicole.

Hello, Cory.

You know Marshall.

Marshall? Yes, I believe
we played dodgeball once.

So sorry about that
sh*t to your head.

Have your ears
stopped ringing yet?

Oh, it was really nothing
once the swelling went down.

We should play again.

We should.

Oh, well, I don't mean
to interrupt

as I see you have some
studying to do.

My life is over.

Go on, Michael.
Go on. Go on.

Tell him that it's only going
to be a couple days.

Please don't think that
I'm jealous or anything.

Please don't think that
when I see them together

I just wanna take
my three ring binder

pull one of those rings open
and catch his lip in it.

What is happening to me?

I'm not this kind of a person.

I collect for UNICEF.

Hey, Cory, it's natural
for a guy in your situation

to feel this way.

Yeah, and why is he
in this situation, Michael?

Hey, Joe, I just got
a great idea. Here it is:

Shut up.

Hi, Nicole. Hi, Marshall.

Hi, Nicole and Marshall.

Goodbye, Nina.

Hi, Mr. Taylor.
Hi, Mr. Harris.

Hi, Cory.

[SIGHS]
Hi, Nina.

Everybody at school says
you and Nicole

aren't studying
together anymore.

You know, if there's a subject
you're really hurting in,

perhaps I could help you.

[GRUNTS]

I'm kidding.

Well, Dads,

I'm done studying
with another boy now.

I certainly hope
you're pleased.

Now I'm just gonna

go back up to the loft

and watch Grandma pick out
my school outfit for tomorrow.

Unless I get a phone call
or something.

Give me a quarter.

I mean...

might I, please,
have a quarter?

Here's cents.

You talk as long
as you want.

Thanks.

Hey, Cory, if anybody's
mother answers, hang up.

[???]

Okay. Either you're trying
to get me up

or I'm having the dream
about the train again.

I have not been able
to sleep all night, Michael.

I can sleep through anything.
Anything I can sleep through.

But you know what
is keeping me awake?

Your mother's asleep.

Yes, that's the big,
dark secret of my family.

Every night at :,
my mother goes unconscious.

Boy, did I
make a mistake.

I let her criticize my art,
I let her criticize my family.

I mean, I don't mind her
picking on me for a couple days.

But when she gets my daughter
upset for one second, that's it.

I have had it.

Joe, I know you're upset.

But it's just for
a couple of more days.

That's it.
That is it.

That's it. That's the last time
you say that to me.

The last time.

You said it to me times,
I'll k*ll you.

Fifty times you said it to me,
I'll k*ll you.

What's going on?

Pillow fight. Guy stuff

[MUFFLEDLY]
This doesn't involve you.

Adults get to stay up late
and have all the fun.

Doesn't involve her?

Your mother
got her involved.

Hey.

You're not allowed
to yell at my mother.

You right. You know,
I can't yell

at your mother
because she's your mother.

She's not related to me.

But I can yell
at my mother-in-law.

What's all
the noise?

What's everybody
doing up?

We're, uh, we're talking calmly.
We're talking calmly.

Oh. A family pow-wow.

It's a strange time for it,

but look if we're all gonna
be up, I'll make tea.

I don't want tea.

He doesn't generally
drink tea.

How about milk?
No, I don't want milk.

He had milk for lunch.

I know,
a nice tuna sandwich.

No. Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
This is my home.

That is my refrigerator.
That is my stove.

If I want something to eat,
I'll go downstairs to Klawicki's

and I'll order it.

It's : in the morning.

You want a milkshake?

Okay.

Isn't it a little late?

No, Ma, I think
it's just in time.

Nicole, sweetheart,
take your sweater.

This one?

Well, you certainly
don't have to tell me

what that was all about.

Oh, he'll get over it.

You'd think so,
wouldn't you?

But, interestingly, he's not
the getting-over-it type.

He's the type that screams and
yells until things get fixed.

Oh, do things need to be fixed?

Mom, Nicole is not
your daughter.

But she's my granddaughter.

There's a big difference
there, Mom.

There's a whole layer of parent
you're sort of jumping over.

Oh, was I wrong to say
a year old

is too young
to go steady?

No, Mom. You're right about
most year old girls.

But you're wrong to make
my daughter a generality.

You're wrong 'cause
you don't know her and I do.

You're wrong 'cause
you're not here, I am.

Michael, forgive me,
but you and Joey...

I mean, this is no time
for a couple of boys

to play at being parents.

Ma, we're getting
real close

to the part where
I yell and scream.

Well, maybe I should just
pack my bags

and get on a plane to Florida
in the morning.

No, maybe you shouldn't.

Because we got
to talk right now.

Let's pick it up from
where you said

Joey and I don't know
how to be parents.

Oh, Michael,
I didn't mean that.

That's exactly what you meant.

Did you ever
change a diaper?

I mean, did you ever rock her
to sleep in the middle

of the night, or, uh, try
to understand her first words?

Or take her for her
first haircut?

No, Ma, you did.

You did all
those things.

You're a good parent.
That's not the issue here.

Well, then what
is the issue?

In your heart,
you don't believe that

Joey and I
are proper parents.

However, if I met a woman
tomorrow and we got married

the next day and we had a baby
nine months later,

that would be fine with you,
wouldn't it?

I don't know. Tell me more
about this woman.

You're impossible.

Oh, Michael, forgive me,
it's just that no matter

how old you get,
I'll always think of you as

[IN UNISON]
...my little boy.

And Nicole
is my little girl.

Which makes us
both parents now.

We are members
of the same club, Ma.

And I expect the same rights
and privileges that you've had.

I respect you.

Now you respect me.

You want me to look at you
as a father, Michael?

And forget the little boy
I taught to tie his shoes?

And hold a spoon?

You want me to go from being
your mother to your friend,

and you consider
that a promotion?

I want-- I want you to consider
that my being a parent

is gonna teach me how much
you've always loved me.

Hmm?

All right.

It's your turn
to bring up a child.

[SIGHS]

I hope you do
as well as me.

[CHUCKLES]

Thanks.

Getting late.

Hey, Ma...

Could you make me pudding?

[???]

Okay, I think
I've got it.

I doubled the mayonnaise and
chopped in some Bermuda onion.

No, no.

Why? What is missing?

I don't know, okay?
It's not hers.

When she makes tuna, there's
something else in there.

Maybe it's
nail polish.

What are you doing
here at this hour?

We're hungry.
What are you doing here?

I had night court.

I'm gonna have
my dinner now.

It's : in the morning.
She should be in bed.

You listen to me, judge.

You listen to me.

I am her father.

Now I don't care if it
is the middle of the night.

If she is hungry, I'm gonna
bring her down here

and I don't have
to ask anybody, okay?

I don't have to listen
to what anybody else says.

Because I am her father.

Still hungry, sweetheart?

No.

Get the heck upstairs.

Yes, ma'am.

[???]

Uh-uh,
uh-uh, uh-uh.

Good. Very good.

You be sure and tell your sister
about the new me.

Maybe then she'll have
some children.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Hey, Cory.

Cory, I don't believe
you've met my grandmother.

Oh.

Well, I got an anonymous
phone call that said

you needed someone
to walk you to school.

Young man?

I'm dead.
No.

Now, Nicole's two fathers
seem to hold you

in very high regard...

and who am I to argue
with Nicole's two fathers?

Thanks, Grandma.

Leaving so soon?

Oh, Michael and I
thought it was best.

Get your coat.
Why?

You're taking me
to the airport.

Isn't that the customary
son-in-law thing to do?

Maybe I'm busy.

Well, maybe
I don't care.

And maybe we have
some things to get over.

And maybe I can
make it worth your while.

How?

One can of fancy
albacore tuna, in water...

A half a cup of celery...

And a quarter teaspoon
of...fennel.

Fennel.

Fennel.

Fennel.
Of course, Michael.

Fennel.

What's fennel?

[???]

[???]