01x16 - Advice and Consent

[bunniefuu]

Happy Birthday.

Oh, wow,
Toreador.

This-- This is supposed
to be great stuff.

It's Joey's
favorite cologne.

And, no doubt, the official
scent of the Indianapolis .

Smells terrific.

Very fragrant. Keep it away
from open flames.

Thanks, Nicole.
Thanks everybody.

I mean, this was
really terrific.

Hey, Cory, you're .
You're a teenager.

Feel any different?

Oh, not exactly.
Was I supposed to?

Yeah, yeah. Don't you want to,
uh, borrow the car,

stay out all night, you know,
come rolling in at dawn

in big trouble, huh?

Oh, well, well,
I can't drive yet.

But...I guess I could
take the subway.

If I rolled in at :,
that'd be a half an hour later

than I'm supposed
to be in,

so I guess I'd be
in some trouble.

Would that be
okay for now?

Yeah, forget it.

Hey, how about in honor
of the birthday boy,

Joey and I treat you two kids
to the movie of your choice

tomorrow night. Selection of
movie subject to our approval,

you must back by :,
your mileage may vary.

What do you say?
Yeah.

Yeah, that'd be
terrific.

All right.

Uh-oh, hey,
your brother's here, Cor.

Hi, Roy. Uh, you missed
the whole party.

Oh, gee. I must've
timed it just right.

Roy Kupkus,
you son of a g*n,

you're still
an unpleasant person.

Mr. Taylor.
You're looking rested.

Let's see, I think
you know everybody, right?

Not me.
JOEY: Oh, good,

'cause you're a judge and
you two would've met eventually.

Judge Wilbur,
this is Roy Kupkus.

Show her
the profile, Roy.

Hey, Cory, uh, Mom wanted me to
pick you up 'cause it's raining.

She's afraid
you'll dissolve.

Oh, okay. Let me get
all my stuff together.

Hey, happy birthday,
all right?

We'll see you tomorrow night
when you come to pick Nicole up

at the properly
early appointed hour.

Well, I'll see you tomorrow
night for the movie.

Happy Birthday.

Thanks.

[SCOFFS]

Sit down.

Why? I thought
we were gonna go?

You call that a kiss?

The mouth.
On the mouth.

You put your lips
to her lips and hold.

Breathe through
your nose. Got it?

Come on, Roy,
that was Nicole.

Well, excuse me
for being a guy,

but I thought
she was your girlfriend.

She is.

Then you ought
to be getting more

than a mouthful of cheek,
shouldn't you?

Hey, Cory, is this guy
bothering you?

Uh, no, Mr. Klawicki,
he's my brother.

I know.
Is he bothering you?

Hey, soda jockey, you got
a menu or do I guess?

Terribly sorry.

May I recommend the "Watch
your attitude punk on toast."

Roy. Be nice.

Kid, kid,
these big guys,

they think just 'cause
they're overgrown

I'm supposed to be,
like, intimidated.

At your convenience, sir,
I'll have a milkshake.

Coming up.

Look, Squirrelhead,
Dad's not around anymore.

That leaves me in charge
of guiding you through

your dorky
adolescent years.

I'm just not sure about
this kissing and everything.

Well, you-you gonna
fight nature?

You're now.
You're a man.

More than that,
you're a Kupkus.

Now you got a date with Nicole
tomorrow night, right?

I'm gonna be there
to make sure

you're not
watching the movie.

[???]

NICOLE:
This is me, Nicole Bradford.

Cute, huh?

This is my Dad.
And this is my Dad.

How'd I get two dads?
They inherited me.

Congratulations.
It's a girl.

Here's the judge
who brought us together.

She lives in our building.
My building. I own it.

NICOLE:
we're one big happy family,

with one dad
who's down-to-earth,

and one dad with
his head in the clouds.

I-- I think we're
father of the year.

? You can count on me
No matter what you do ?

? You can count on me
No matter where you go ?

? I'm standing by your side
I'll be right behind ?

? No one loves you
More than I do ?

? Put your hand in mine ?

? You can count on me
No matter what you do ?

? You can count on me
No matter where you go ?

? You can count on me ?

[???]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hey.
Cory, how you doing?

JOEY:
Hey, Cory.

Aren't you here
a little early?

Nicole's not even
home from school yet.

Oh, yeah, I know. She has
glee club on Fridays.

That's why I came over.

I wanted to speak to you
and Mr. Harris. Alone.

Okay.

Okay, yeah.
You want to sit down?

Yes, I believe so.

As you know, Nicole and I have
been out a number of times

and done homework together
on many occasions.

BOTH:
Yes...

Oh, this is
very awkward for me.

Like I'm not awkward
enough already.

I just didn't know
who else to talk to.

I mean, my dad's not
around anymore.

You're the only
older guys I know.

Hey, Cory,
we're on your side.

Yeah. Whatever it is,
we can talk about it.

Really?
Sure.

Okay.

Should Nicole and I
be kissing?

When you say kissing,
you mean, kissing good night

at the end of a date?

No, like kissing
all during a date.

If this is too
awkward for you--

No, no, hey,
it's not too awkward,

and I know the answer
to your question,

and it goes like this--
Time-out. Time-out.

What?
Golden opportunity at the sink.

Hey, what are you
talking about?

Opportunity.
Knocking. Sink.

What?

Go to the sink.

Excuse us.

Listen, our daughter's boyfriend
just came to us for advice

on what he should be
doing with our daughter.

This is terrific. You
understand why it's terrific?

Yeah, 'cause we can
No.

Most fathers of girls,
they live in the dark.

They don't know
what the boy is thinking.

They don't know
what the boy is doing.

So they worry,
they imagine the worst,

they bleed internally,
and they die.

But we have the opportunity
to influence the boy.

We can-- We can shape him,
we can get him to do

what we want him to do.

We don't want the boy
to do anything.

I-- I agree with you.
Well, look at-- Look at him.

Look at this kid.
He's like a young tree.

He's a young tree about
to grow his first leaves.

We are the gardeners, okay?

We can prune him, we can shape
him. He'll grow tall and strong

and never lay a branch
on our daughter.

Okay? Make sense?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay?

All right, all right.

[CLEARS THROAT]
Cory,

I-- I get the feeling--
And this is just me--

That-- That you...

you're not really comfortable
with this whole kissing thing

or else you wouldn't
have come to us .

I get the feeling that...

that you would like to take
this a little slower,

and you're just
waiting for somebody

to tell you
that it's okay. Well...

It's okay. You take this
as slow as you want.

You sound like
Pat Boone.

I don't know, you know?

I do like Nicole,

and maybe I should kiss her.

Don't.

What?

Look, Cory, I know
some of your friends

are kissing now,
and, you know,

but Michael and I,
we're your friends too.

And we're saying don't.

What Mr. Harris
is trying to say is that

maybe there are some girls who
think they're ready for this,

but Nicole,
she's special, you know?

And if you try something that
she doesn't want to do,

you could ruin everything.

And I don't think that she would
have a lot of respect for you.

Isn't that what you're
trying to say, Joe?

Yeah. Don't.

Cory, hi.
You're early.

Were we supposed
to get something

to eat before the movie?

Uh, movie? Well,
that's what I came

by to tell you,
Nicole.

You know that
English assignment

where we have to write
a sonnet by Monday?

Well, I'm not real good
at poetry,

and it's gonna take me
the whole weekend.

Why?

Because I have
to think a lot.

So I don't think
tonight's such a great idea.

Maybe when we're older.

Goodbye.

What's wrong with him?
Did I do something?

No, no, sweetheart, you--
You didn't do anything.

And you won't.

[???]

You know, kid, it pains me
to see you like this.

Friday night,
years old, your head

in a book instead
of some girl's ear.

Well, what can I do, you know?

Nicole, my main squeeze,
is sick with the flu.

No, no, looking at you
sitting there all alone,

I'm one sad Kupkus.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Gee, I wonder who that
could be at this hour?

Samantha,
what a surprise.

Come in, come in.

Oh, and who's this?

SAMANTHA:
Sabrina.

Nice to meet ya.

Oh, well, you
come in too, my dear.

Excuse the mess.

I certainly wasn't
expecting visitors tonight.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, can I take
your coats?

So, uh, what would you all
like to do tonight?

Perhaps a friendly game
of Parcheesi?

We could cuddle.

Well, sure, that's all right
for you and me.

But what about
Sabrina, here?

Wait...

Cory... Hey, maybe he could
keep you company.

Happy Birthday, kid.

Hey, I got
a great idea.

I got this real sad movie
we could watch on tape.

And why is that
a good idea?

Because, Mr. Dork,
the girls will cry a lot.

We give 'em mucho
comfort. You get it?

I don't want
to do this, Roy.

What do you mean,
you don't want to?

I mean, I'd rather have
a bag of mosquitoes

tied around my head, okay?

Well, what about Nicole?

You like her, don't you?

Well, you think
she's gonna wait around?

Girls got needs.

Cory, I'm a little chilled
from the rain.

How old is Sabrina,
anyway? Twenty?

Fourteen...and a half.

Well, look, maybe those two
have needs, but Nicole doesn't.

She is a special girl.

Oh, who told you that?

Her fathers.

Oh. Well, let me give you
my big surprise face.

What do you expect them
to say, moron?

They don't want you
to touch her. They're the enemy.

Nicole is just not
like Sabrina.

I can see it now.

The mood is right and Nicole
turns to you and says, "Now."

And then you turn tenderly
and whisper, "How?"

Okay, what's going on?

I called Cory and his phone
just rings and rings,

and he told me he'd be home
working on his sonnet

and why does he need
all weekend for a sonnet,

when he knocked out "Ode To
Nicole" in one lunch period?

Listen.

You are Bacall
And I am Bogart

You are the fruit
In the bottom of my yogart

So you see what kind
of talent he has.

Why did he cancel
on the movie?

Why did he tell me he needs
all weekend to write a sonnet?

[???]

WOMAN [ON TV]:
don't be sick.

WOMAN [ON TV]:
Stop crying, sweetheart.

Mommy has to die now.

[CRYING]
the operation okay.

[SOBS]

Oh, there, there. Aw...

[CRYING]
I've ever seen in my life.

Well, let's keep on watching it
and see how it ends.

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Want to dance?
No.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Don't move.

Gee, look who
got well soon.

Hello, Roy.

You're phone's broken,
so I was stopping by to see

if Cory needed any help
with his sonnet.

Oh, well, uh,
gee, Nicole.

I think he's got all
the help he's gonna need.

Michael, you know that
Nicole's over there

talking to Cory
right now,

asking why they're not
going to that movie.

This isn't gonna blow up
in our faces, is it?

Hey, he's a -year-old kid.

And besides us, his only advisor
is his older brother,

the Marquis de Kupkus.

So our advice to Cory just
neutralizes his advice to Cory.

Yeah, you're right.

Hey, we did
Yep.

Why the hell
do I listen to you?

He told me
he was studying.

When I got to his house, he was
slow dancing with some girl.

Sweetheart, um, there may be
a very reasonable explanation.

Yeah, maybe, uh, maybe it was
a cousin he hasn't seen

for a while, you know?

Or a-- Or a friend he was
consoling or...

maybe, uh, maybe it was just a
practical joke and you happened

to walk in
at the wrong time.

You're good.

Thanks, Dad, but I know
what's going on.

Boys have urges.
And he was having urges tonight.

Excuse me,
you know about urges?

I know about urges.

Of course you do.
Incidentally, how?

My mom.
Hygiene class. Books.

Oh. Oh, okay. So this
knowledge is purely academic,

and in no way obtained in any
kind of tactile manner?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

[SIGHS]
You've made me very happy.

What should I do?

I mean, maybe I should be
having urges too.

Hey.

Hey...

What--? Why--? Why do you
think that, sweetheart?

Some of my girl friends
are kissing boys.

[SPUTTERS]
Name names.

They say it's the only way
to keep a boy interested.

Do you think Cory's
not interested anymore?

Is that why he was
with that girl?

Honey, you can't do something
that you don't want

just to keep Cory
interested.

Why not?

Aren't you more interested
in girls who kiss?

Homina, homina, homina, homina,
homina, homina, homina, homina.

See, Nicole, this is
the wonderful thing

about having two dads.

One has a blowout,
you got a spare.

Now, honestly, don't you think
you're a little too young

to be thinking about kissing?
I'm almost .

But we just got you. To us,
you're like five months old.

Yeah, we're still happy you're
sleeping through the night.

I'm not a baby.

Nicole...

Boogie, boogie, boogie.

Boogie, boogie,
boogie.

[LAUGHING,
BLOWS RASPBERRY]

[CLEARS THROAT]
She's right, Michael.

Real babies go nuts
for this stuff.

Dads. I need your help.

All right. All right.
Sweetheart, all right,

let me ask you, do you--?
Do you want to be kissing boys?

Please say no.

I'm not sure.

Cory's special to me.

Yeah, well,
you're special to us.

And we save all
our best advice for you.

So anybody who's really
worth it's gonna be interested

in you
without the kissing.

Right.

I was never interested
in girls like that.

Boy, I tell you,
it's tough to have a daughter.

Yeah, I always thought
I'd have a son.

One day he'd come to me,
and he'd say, "Dad, you know,

I've been having these, uh,
these feelings about girls."

And I'd sit him down,
and I'd look him in the eyes

and I'd tell him the most
important thing

that my father ever told me
"Son...don't caught."

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Sage advice, Joe.

Listen, when you get a chance,
do me a favor.

Never talk to my daughter.

Roy.

Leaving so soon?

Yeah, I was just looking
for the runt. He stop by here?

You mean Cory? No.

[SCOFFS]
What a wuss.

You know, I set him up
on the perfect date.

Instant experience,
no questions asked.

And what does he do?

Runs like a shrimp.
Wait a second.

What are you saying?
Are you saying you set him up?

Little birthday
surprise.

So then Cory is in no way
responsible for why

our little girl
is in tears right now?

Oh, is she?

I am terribly sorry.

But you know,
the way I look at it,

I was doing Nicole
a little favor.

How do you figure that?

She's a sweet kid,

and you want the best
for her, right?

So I'm making Cory
into the best.

Teaching him how to make the
right moves at the right time.

What's he doing?

Parenting. It'll only
hurt for a minute.

ROY:
You know what?

I think right now
the right move is...bye.

[???]

He looks like
a short spy.

I don't know
what's wrong.

He's been sitting there
almost an hour,

nursing the same soda.

No fries?

I offered him some.

He told me to mind
my own business.

He said that?

To you?
Yep.

Then he left me
a $ tip.

I forgive him.

This seat taken?

[???]

Cory.

Cory.

Hello, Nicole.

Mr. Harris.
Mr. Taylor.

Hey, you okay, Cory?

Before I can answer
any questions,

I'll have to consult
with my attorney.

I'm fine.

Thank you.

Cory.
It's okay.

Roy came looking for you,
and he told us what happened.

We told Nicole.
You're cleared.

There goes
my retainer.

Well...there is still
one more thing.

Nicole.

My brother says you and I should
be up to kissing by now.

Your fathers...

disagree.

What do you think?

I don't know.
What do you think?

Uh...

Nicole and I need to talk
about this kissing thing.

Could we be alone?

No.
Uh-uh.

Okay, then.

Uh, Nicole...

uh...have you been
waiting for me

to make my move,
like Roy says?

No.

Are you afraid
of what my fathers

will do to you
if you try anything?

Yeah.

But I'm more afraid of messing
things up between you and me.

I'm not ready yet, Cory.

At least not for what
your brother's talking about.

I don't even know what
my brother's talking about.

This is working out
better than we deserve.

Uh...do you think
you ever will be ready?

Someday.

When?

As soon as she is, you'll be
notified through your attorney.

Okay?

Okay.

In the meantime,
ice cream's on me.

A happy ending.

I feel all aglow.

It's the lucky felon who
appears before me tomorrow.

Well...

another day, another pre-teen
crisis successfully contained.

Yeah.

But someday,
she's gonna be a teenager.

And someday, she's gonna come
here with real teenage problems.

And you know what
we'll tell her someday?

BOTH:
Homina, homina, homina...

[???]