02x03 - Macho, Stupid Guy Time

[bunniefuu]

Hey, all right, listen.
Nicole tries to run on us,

we make like we don't know
anything. All right?

If she wants to go to the
mountains this weekend,

why can't she just do
honest thing and ask you?

Because she's my daughter!

She also happens
to be my daughter

and I'm telling you that
Nicole will ask permission

without resorting
to subterfuge.

Hey, I'll bet you
twenty bucks.

You're on!
All right.

Ten bucks on subterfuge.

What kind of odds
you giving on honesty?

A billion to one.

Ten bucks on subterfuge.

Hello.
Hi, sweetie.

Hello...
found in the loft.

It's your high school
yearbook! From !

Yes?

Growing up in the Bronx
got out of the city much.

To experience nature.
Shut up.

Hey! Maybe you should
take a weekend, you know,

at, uh, Shelby's mom's bed
and breakfast place, huh?

How did you know?

Shelby's mom called.

Oh.
Thank you.

Well, Shelby, if you want
my room. For how long?

Hit the road.

The lecture starts
when you get back.

Uh, sweetie, you have
any money on you?

Not really.

Enjoy...

Have fun...
Live it up...

Wow!

And do me a favor.
Next time, just ask us.

You would've said yes?
Of course.

So, guys.

Your high school yearbook.

Klawicki, look at
Joey the hippie.

(CHUCKLES) Gosh.

That brings back memories.

You were a hippie?

No, I used to b*at 'em up.

Boy, I loved to do that.

Judge, I don't wanna brag,

but was I
or what?

Ooh.

Ah.

Speaking of ooh-ah.
Diana Thackery.

Her picture is
right next to mine.

Yeah, and that's as close
to her as Michael ever got.

Hey! Hey!
Taylor, Thackery,

Taylor, Thackery.

She sat behind me
for four years.

She was crazy about me.
She was all over me.

We went steady, we made out
sexually advanced.

Oh, no, no, wait. No,
none of that happened.

No, no, no, no.
only one thing

that stood between
me and Diana

steaming up the
Pontiac Grand Prix.

Oh, really?
What was that?

She kept saying no.

She was the
no-queen of all time.

I mean, look
It's a negative.

Ooh. Joey and I had this
bet going in high school

to see who could
take her out first.

Who won?

Oh, we decided that
macho and stupid.

Nobody won.
Hey!

I had braces.
to everybody.

And my ears
My head was small.

My hair was frizzy.
I was very thin.

My mother used to buy all
my clothes at that time, so...

When did he stop talking?

Of course, it would be
a lot different now.

Hey, well, now we're men.
You know, we've grown up.

She'd go out with
either one of us now.

Well, either one of me.

I mean, I still got it.
I don't have it?

No, I'm saying
"it" never met you.

Really?

Whereas, I still got
I mean, I am it!

Is that right?
And what am I?

Sitting next to it.

Looks like after years
the bet's still on.

Yeah, if we could
still find her.

Yeah, we could... We
could never find her now.

Thackery, Diana.

Only one in town.

Bet's still on.

This is outrageous, betting
on who can date a woman.

It's sexist. It reflects badly
on the future of all humanity.

That being said, I bet
twenty bucks on Michael.

I got the hippie.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Yes, it is.

Joey who?

Joey Harris
from high school!

Yes, of course
I remember you.

Oh, whatever happened
Michael Taylor?

He's there with you?

Listen. Uh, let me
ask you something.

Are you guys still single?

Oh really?

Where are you right now?

Oh, sure, I know
that area very well.

I could be there
in minutes.

Uh-huh. Yeah, I'm looking
forward to seeing you.

Yes, really.

Mmm-hmm. Bye.

Abby, guess what!

These two guys
from high school

that used to fight over me
all the time just called.

What do you mean,
the book I'm writing...

The one about why
men never grow up.

Oh! I have been looking
perfect research subjects

that I could base it on.
Well, they just found me.

? You can count on me

? No matter what you do

? You can count on me

? No matter where you go

? I'm standing by your side

? I'll be right behind

? No one loves you
more than I do

? Put your hand in mine

? I can see
a part of me in you

? A little something special
that comes shining through

? I hear it in your laughter

? And I feel it
when you cry

? I will be
right there for you

? Until the day I die

? You can count on me

? No matter what you do

? You can count on me

? No matter where you go

? You can count on me ?

I can't believe she said yes.

Diana Thackery. The...
The Queen of No says yes.

You know, I'm scared
that she said yes.

What if she didn't
age well, huh?

What if she peaked
in high school?

What if she looks
like Buddy Hackett?

Hey, hey.

BOTH: Yes!

Okay, okay, what are
the rules here?

There's no rules.
date with her first

wins the bet. Right?
Right.

Loser pays.
Right.

Could be very expensive.
I know.

See you later, loser.
Okay.

Wait, wait, wait.
before you go,

huh, a little toast.

A little toast to, uh...
To no rules.

You got it.
To ya.

You die, man!

Michael's got no scruples.

Joey's got wet scruples.

Michael Taylor.

Is this really the guy
all those years?

That's the guy.

Well, you look great.

Oh, this is so nice.

You're not at all
boy I used to know.

Well, and you look more
than, even when you did,

years ago.

I thought Joey Harris
was gonna join us?

Joey... You know, he did,
forward, he was excited...

So, what happened?
it rained on his parade.

But listen, why
Let's talk about you.

Oh, no, no, no, I don't
want to talk about me.

I'd much rather find out
what's going on with you.

I mean, you look good,
you're dressing better.

In fact, uh, I have to say,
I'm very impressed.

Wow. The last time
to me, I had to dial .

You know, we just
up to do, you and I,

and this is... This is
for a reunion, so...

Now, before you say no...
Yes.

I don't think I've ever
heard you say that before.

Uh, tonight?

Yes.

I just love the
way you say that.

Um... Dinner?

Yes.

How many more of those
do you have left?

'Cause I could come up with
questions that aren't... Yes?

Don't "yes" me, you tramp.

Who is this woman?

What, what, what
do you mean? What?

I thought we had
What, what, what?

What are you talking about?

Love your hair.

No rules.

Diana.

Joey Harris.
(CHUCKLES)

Mr. Never Give Up.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

I figure I'd give you
a call every years,

see if you wanna go
(CHUCKLES)

How ya been?
Oh, fine, fine.

How about you?
Good, good.

Yeah.
What're you doing?

Oh, I don't want
to talk about me.

You still have
that k*ller smile?

I don't know.
You tell me.

Hey, hey!

Hon, you've been
working out.

What are you doing here?

I didn't hear you
this morning, darling.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

? I'm a man, yes I am, and
I can't help but let you know

? The Love Boat
is taking another run

? I'm a man... ?
? That Love Boat...

? Ooh, that crazy, wacky,
boat of love ?

Hey, how ya hangin'
in there, Joe?

Hey, I'm hanging
Good.

Yeah?
you to feel terribly dejected

or have your
manhood questioned

just 'cause you lost
little bet thing.

You know, so, we... We don't
even have to talk about it

'cause I know it's only
going to upset you,

so we don't talk about it,
okay, Joe?

Thank you, Mikie.

Hey, guess where
I'm taking her to dinner?

Guess where I'm
Peacock Palace!

Which is the most
I believe, in the world!

But, hey, expense is
no concern of mine, right?

'Cause I'm spending
your money! Ha!

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Oh, that must be
my lunch date.

Who is that and
why are you smiling?

'Cause of that
look on your face.

What... What look?
What look?

That look. (LAUGHS)

Hello.
Hi.

Lunch date?
going to be a problem?

Now, Joey promised me
back in time for our date.

Nice bathrobe.

So, Joey, where are we going?

Uh, the Peacock Palace.
Just heard about it.

Joe. Can we...
second? You and I?

Umm...
Do you mind?

Why don't I just wait outside?
Okay.

This will only take
but a moment.

Play nice, boys.

Hey! I made my date
your date! So I win!

Hey, I'm going out
No! I win!

No! I win!
How can we both win?

All right, it's a tie,
okay? It's a tie.

What we'll do is, I'll take
Yeah...

Show her a good time.
All right.

You take her out on
do whatever you do.

Slip her into
a coma. And then...

All right, we'll tell her
that because we're roommates,

that she can only go
date with one of us.

All right?
good, good, okay.

And... And loser has to pay
for all the dates, right?

Plus a weekend in the Bahamas.

Think she'd go?

Well, she says yes
to everything else.

Yeah, you noticed that.
to say yes to anything.

Right? I mean, she used
to be the Pope of Nope.

Joey, look what's happened
in the last years.

We've bloomed.
We've blossomed.

She's obviously dazzled
by what we've become.

Tell you the truth,
this is turning out!

This is turning out so well!

If I ever had any
single men in their s

are frozen in adolescence,

I have just met walking,
drooling proof.

In fact, I wonder if
I've just stumbled upon

a perfect case of
Peter Pan Syndrome.

Let's fly!

How was our date,
wondering, huh?

Oh, we had such
a good time, really.

And then on the way back
street corner mariachi band,

and they were
playing... Guess what?

The one song in the world
that never misses with me.

? Cara Mia, why? ?

Oh, Joey!

Oh, please. You know,
I can't control myself.

But our afternoon is over
for my date with Michael.

So, I'll just get my coat.

Well, Mikie, she's, uh,
she's heard Cara Mia.

I don't know
what's left for you.

Hmm... I dunno. What is it
that you haven't done yet?

Hmm.

Huh?

Diana, let's go
to your apartment.

I don't see why not.

She doesn't see why not.

Thanks. Well, why don't you
make yourself comfortable?

I'll open the champagne.

Sounds like a plan.

This is a beautiful place.
Thanks.

Many, many books.

Do a lot of reading?

Oh, yes, I'm a
regular bookworm.

"Women Who Love Jerks".

"Men Who Can't".

"Dump Him, He's Useless".

Got any Garfield
books in here?

Those were all gifts.
Really?

Yeah. Come on over here
ourselves comfortable.

I can't think of why
(CHUCKLES)

I'd like to make a toast.

To breaking down barriers
real person inside you.

And to naked jello fights.

I just can't believe
you're not married.

I find that a wife,
is just excess baggage.

But you're witty...
Yes.

You're adorable...
Oh, yes.

I mean, how have you escaped?
I don't know.

(LAUGHS)

Are you one of those guys
I'm always reading about?

One of those guys
that just can't commit?

Yes and no.

Oh, there I go
being witty again!

Michael, do you find that
long-term relationships?

No, that I can do.

It's... It's where you make
your fingers that I can't do.

You know, I'm asking
you serious questions,

and you're avoiding them
by trying to be funny.

Why is that?
Are you afraid of intimacy?

No. Hey, me and
intimacy are like that.

It's just very hard to be
the only person on a couch.

Okay.

Do you feel you've
since high school?

Well, now, who would
you say is avoiding now?

You're right.

Let's lie down and
get comfortable.

All righty.

Now, this afternoon
Joey was saying to me,

and I quote...
You quote?

Oh, "Michael and I
very competitive."

Hey, I didn't
come here to quote.

Michael, you're
being defensive.

Well, you know,
I feel kinda silly.

I feel like I'm
being analyzed here.

You got me on a couch and
you're asking me questions.

If I didn't know any better,
I'd think you were a shrink.

You're a shrink!

You're a shrink
and I'm an idiot!

I'm a big idiot!

You're writing down notes.
write a book?

Is that it? What, are you
gonna write one of these

"Why all men should
be dead" books. Is that it?

Like, uh, Women Who
Love Jerks, by... You!

Hah!

Michael, how are you
feeling right now?

Are you feeling emasculated?

No! No! No!
I'm not, no!

I'm not, I just... You know,
And that's not right.

I don't want to be
in your books!

Well, I could change
your name if you like.

To what? Bozo?
Would that help?

I mean, tell me the truth.

Is... Am I like the biggest
idiot in the book, huh?

Or is there possibly some
king-size idiot out there

in the universe who
could possibly top me?

? Cara Mia

? Why must we say goodbye?

? I'll be your love

? till the end of time ?

What?

"The door flew open,
and there he stood,

"dressed in a ludicrous
at the top of his lungs.

"I glanced from him
to Bozo on the couch,

"and suddenly knew
the Little Boy Blues."

Do you think
out there like this?

It's what I live for.

Hey.
Yo.

So, guys, did you happen
of Metropolitan Woman?

Uh, gee, no. I didn't finish
is Your Man?" quiz,

so, uh, I don't want to see
those answers just yet.

Uh-huh. Well, you might be
interested in this issue.

There's an excerpt from
a book about idiots.

By Diana Thackery.

Yikes.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Oh, look.

Dr. Ruthless.

Oh, good, you've
seen the magazine.

I'm so glad.

See, I'm starting my
publicity tour for my book

and I'm going to be
doing a lot of TV shows,

and my publicist
wanted to know

if I could dig up a couple
of the guys I wrote about.

So, you two want to take
your show on the road?

Hey TV, huh?
What do you think?

Thank you, no.

Shelby, look. It's the lady
who wrote the article!

I recognize her
from the picture.

BOTH: Uh-oh.

Hi!
Hi.

I'm a future woman

and I just wanted to say
Well, thank you.

I'm gonna use this
as my dating handbook.

But tell her, Dads,
act this stupid.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Dads?
Yes. I have two dads.

Very long story.

And they're single.

Nothing like the jerks
you wrote about.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

So, why are you here?

Homework.
Math test.

Upstairs.
Now.

They're so strict.

Do you use mousse?

Lots.

Let's go, Shelby.

You two are
raising a daughter?

I mean, the way you behave?

Who in their right mind
the responsibility

for raising a daughter?

Booga booga.

You?

Do you know how they live?

I spy on 'em constantly.

And in my book, which
with far more care

than yours seems
to have been,

I dug deeper than the
sombrero and the Bozo nose.

And I discovered two sweet
fathers who took a day off.

You mean, you two
woman-chasing adolescents

you made yourselves
out to be?

Sorry.
Sorry.

Sorry.

You know, this is so crazy.

You two competed for me

by behaving like
the overgrown boys

that most women never
want to meet anyway.

I mean, if you
wanted me to say yes,

all you really needed
to do was just

act like the mature,
men you really are.

Double or nothing?
You're on!

(MUSIC PLAYING)