02x06 - Story with a Twist

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Michael.
Why don't you relax, huh?

It's Saturday night.
Why are you working so hard?

Hey, there are
in my life, pally.

Only advertising proposals
for the magazine due Monday

and nothing else
exists in my world.

Hey, hey, hey.
Look what's on.

Topless Cheerleaders
on the Moon.

Quittin' time!

(WOMEN SCREAM AND MOAN ON TV)

Women look very good
without gravity.

(DOORBELL RINGS)
Don't move.

Mr. Kelcher! Joe, it's
Mr. Kelcher. Our boss.

Mr. Kelcher. The boss.
Taylor, how are you?

When I say you I mean me.
Thrilled, sir.

When thrilled?
Monday.

Thrill me tomorrow.

Huh?
biggest advertiser

is leaving for London
tomorrow night.

I need your proposal
tomorrow afternoon.

I could have called,
here in person

would scare
the hell out of you.

Well, uh, the
out of me, sir.

Now. You.
Harris.

Where is this statue
on for the magazine cover?

It's right over here,
Mr. Kelcher.

And it's...
It's just about done.

Ooh. I like it.
Know why?

Tell me why.

Because that...
That symbolizes

the dance
to balance the budget.

That's clever.

You're clever, Harris,

and I'm probably not
paying you enough, am I?

(CHUCKLES) Well,
no, sir, you're not.

Good. That makes
me clever, too.

So finish the statue.
Sculpture.

Huh?

You keep saying statue.
Statues are in the park,

you know, with pigeons
sitting on their head.

That's a sculpture.

Oh yeah?
Knock knock, Harris.

Who's there?
I don't give a damn, is who.

I'm looking for that
proposal tomorrow.

Which I assume you'll get
naked stewardesses

finish the moon jog
for the beach scene.

Uh-huh.

All right.

Great!
This is great.

So now... Now he thinks
trashy movies all night!

(WOMEN SCREAMING ON TV)
He...

This actress is very good.

What else did
we see her in?

Desperate Women
On Skates.

Oh, right.

I cried.

Hey, kids!

Hey, kids!

Hey.

Hey.

Have a nice time?

Had a very nice time.

Everything is, uh,
fine here also.

Shelby will be
spending the night,

and that too
with her parents.

Hey, Nick, uh...

How about a hello kiss
for your dad, huh?

Hey, wait a minute.
your other dad?

What do you
think, Michael?

I detect the undeniable
bouquet of Listerine,

enhanced by the
spicy nuance of Binaca,

intertwined with, uh,
to Tic Tacs.

Yeah. Just enough
to cover that, uh,

unmistakable, one of a
kind aroma of, uh...

What do you call that...
What do you call that?

Beer.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

? You can count on me

? No matter what you do

? You can count on me

? No matter where you go

? I'm standing by your side

? I'll be right behind

? No one loves you
more than I do

? Put your hand in mine

? I can see
a part of me in you

? A little something special
that comes shining through

? I hear it in your laughter

? And I feel it
when you cry

? I will be
right there for you

? Until the day I die

? You can count on me

? No matter what you do

? You can count on me

? No matter where you go

? You can count on me ?

Drinking beer already, huh?

One glass of beer.

Really not a very big deal in
front of my friends, please.

It's too soon for this.
It's too soon for this!

You said that you were
going over

Cory's house to study.

It started that way.
Cory's mother wasn't home,

and there was a party
Cory's brother...

Oh, Roy?

Isn't it always Roy?

Hey! I'm sorry!
I don't buy that!

Roy and his friends are a lot
older than you guys. Why...

Why would he let you in
on one of their parties?

They were drunk.

But Roy wasn't
his responsibility.

What responsibility?

To drive us home.

You don't move!

Hey! Calmly.

Calmly.

Hey, here's a behavior tip.

You should count to
find yourself in a

potentially expl*sive,
emotional state.

Count to , huh?
Okay!

One, you gave
liquor to minors.

Two, you were driving
under the influence.

Three through ,
I'll k*ll you.

What's the problem?

They only had a
couple of glasses of beer.

You said one glass.
Yes.

Although it's possible
I may have refilled it.

Guys, look,

obviously the three of us
on the kids here.

The way I figure it,

Cory's either
brew on the streets

or from
his older brother.

Why else am I here
but to teach?

Well, there's the
scary thought of the year.

Oh, yeah,
somebody caring enough

to down a few cold ones,
him a highway statistic.

Hey, I can hold
my beer, all right?

Come on, Cory.

Hey!
Give me my keys!

Hey!
You're taking a cab.

The hell I am.
Then you're taking a hearse.

Gee, I'm touched
by the gesture.

However,

I find it imprudent
highly dangerous city...

Here.

Here.

(SIGHS)
don't hate me now, right?

Go home, Cory.

Okay.

Hey, remember.
Don't take the car,

you'll k*ll yourself!

(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)

Dads,
everything's fine here,

there's no problem

and there's no reason
all out of proportion.

Oh, are we gonna
of proportion, Michael?

Oh, yeah.

You know,
I read the beer bottle

and it said it was just
made of grains and water.

If it weren't
it'd be a health food.

Sit down.

(SIGHS)

What...
What is that?

What?
That...

(IMITATES SIGHS)
What is that?

For Shelby's benefit,
about the fact

that we're concerned
about you?

Hey, Shelby, we're concerned
is that okay with you?

Uh-huh.
Huh?

Okay.
Good, then we can go on.

I just never thought
we'd hear this from you guys.

I mean, my parents,
I expect this from,

but I expected you guys
to be a little cooler.

Hey. "Cool" is not
okay with you drinking!

Not that we wouldn't
like to be cool.

As a matter of fact,
between being cool and...

And sounding like
somebody's father

who says, "Hey, you know,
they die a lot,"

frankly I'd take
cool every time.

Except this time.
concerned about you.

I am worried about you.
when I'm worried.

You want me to be cool,
don't make me worry.

And don't tell us
out of proportion, kiddo.

'Cause we're fathers.
That's what we do.

But you said that
you were our age.

Isn't it natural that
we try it now, too?

Yeah, yeah.
That's natural.

Yeah.
And so is this.

You come home like this again,

you're not gonna know
looks like, you understand me?

Yeah. That's a hard
one to misinterpret.

Are we all
still in love, here?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, Dads.

Okay?

Okay.

It's not okay.

Okay? She didn't hear
a thing we said.

Every word we said
her entire head,

out the other ear
and slid under the couch.

We'll find them there
the next time we vacuum.

Yeah, that's because
it's a bunch of garbage.

It didn't work on us.
It's not gonna work on her.

I don't know what to say
that's more effective.

Tell her that drinking makes
you fat, see,

and then we take
all her jeans to the tailor.

We take them in an inch.

Well, you could say
are k*lled by drinking

and car crashes
than by anything else,

but that won't work 'cause
who wants to hear that?

Or you could say
lose all their interests

until they really don't care
about anything anymore.

And it would make
absolutely no difference,

because words don't work.

Well, aren't you
a bright, sunshiny day.

I remember I came home
gave me the big speech...

(SCOFFS)
I never listened.

Then just before
homecoming game,

I had a couple beers,
to steady my nerves.

And what?
You forgot a few plays?

I forgot my cup.

(BOTH GROANING)

On the very first play,

I was struck by the meaning
of my father's words.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Yeah?
Then what happened?

Then I joined the choir.

All right,
so what do we do?

I mean, do we
ground her or what?

Ground her?

I throw 'em in prison
coming back for more.

You're going to sentence her
and her stuffed animals?

Let me know
if that's a deterrent.

I could revolutionize
the penal system.

Yeah,
you can talk forever,

but in the end, it's you
against peer pressure.

It's us against
that sigh, that attitude.

Yeah, but what else
besides talk to her?

(SIGHS)

Everything was
delicious, boys.

I'd help you clean up,
but I don't do that.

You guys
didn't eat a thing.

Yeah, well, uh,
we wanted to leave room.

What's this?

Hey, you know,
water and grains.

You know, if it
this'd be health food.

Ooh, I'm in
better shape already.

No ice? No twist?
Just drink.

I can't drink unless
meaningless conversation.

You know, I remember
Just drink it.

All right.

(COUGHING)

Okay, sign in.
Come on.

Come on.
What are you guys doing?

I've never seen you
drink like this.

What are you guys
really up to?

Nothing.

That's it.
Two Dads, one bottle.

And you're the lucky
how cool we can be.

But I only had beer.

JUDGE WILBUR: "Only beer."

"Only beer."

A common phrase generally
goes through the windshield.

Why not say,
"Only scotch?"

Because one beer is equal
to one ounce of scotch,

which, isn't that
a coincidence,

is just what your
Dads are drinking.

Yeah, I chose this
'cause I wanted something

that would not only
get me drunk,

but could also
off of my intestines.

(CHUCKLES)

But I didn't drink
as much as you.

They're twice
your size, Nicole.

One for you is two for them.

Hey, Judge, two drinks,
I get very charming.

I get into my Clark Gable
personality thing

which no woman
able to resist.

Don't breathe near me.

See, what's the
matter with this?

I like having fun like this.

Hey, that's the
attraction, Nick.

Michael, I think you spelled
your name wrong.

What's wrong with it?

It says,
"Bess Myerson."

So? Is someone else
using that?

Michael seems a little bit
more drunk than Joey.

Some people hold it
better than others.

(EXCLAIMS)

? I feel good!

? Like I knew that I would

And some just think
they hold it better.

? So nice

? So nice

? I got you ?

Damn it!

Damn it!

Damn it.

That's my favorite
piece of yours.

Really?

Now.

C'mon. That's funny.
That's funny.

Hey, I'm telling you, Mikey,
of you putting down my work.

Hey, I love your work.

I just... What I hate is
just sticks up like...

Hey, I mean it!
Come on.

I mean...
you think I...

You think that I don't do
anything around here, right?

I mean, you think you
like a pillow.

(LAUGHS QUIETLY)

What?
You think so, too?

No. You said pillow.

You mean pillar.

No.
I meant pillow.

Like... Like the way
a pillow holds up your head.

Pillow is what I said,
that's what I meant.

What, you think
Hey, I know words.

C'mon, man, leave
Nicole out of this.

You got
an argument, pally.

Pick...
Pick me with it.

Hey, I mean,
I'm over here, I'm...

I'm making these
stupid statues, right?

For a magazine cover.
Mmm-hmm.

I could be selling
$ , a piece!

Right now! One piece!
Fifty...

$ , for one piece?

Well, my little friend,
there's...

There's pieces
right there,

that's $ , , .

Shall I write you a check?

You can't even write
your name, Bess.

(BALL BOUNCING)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

Come on.

MICHAEL: Hey!
Foul!

Foul! Judge!

That's it!
That's a felony!

That's it!
That's it!

I win! - .

I had .
Twelve, man. I win.

It's over. That's it.
Oh, that's it?

You quit?
Fine.

I'm gonna take
a little break.

When you want to
you know where to find me.

Michael? Are you okay?

Oh, yes.

And what are you doing?

I'm making wood angels.

Joey, how you doing, Sport?

How am I doing?

I'm running
out a time, Judge.

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

I mean, how much time
become a brilliant

artist that people
talk about, huh?

That has an influence
on our culture.

I'm years old,
already, right?

In a couple of years
I'm going to be .

(PANTS)

Nobody seems to think
I'm very good.

They don't know
talking about.

Oh, yes they do.

They do. I'm years old,
what do I got to show, huh?

Nothing!

Dad?

What are you talking about?
You've got a lot to show.

I love you.
Everybody loves you!

(SIGHS)

That's sweet, Honey.
Thank you.

That's sweet, but, uh...

(CLICKS TONGUE)
that they love me

because they think that
they're better than me.

(SIGHS)

I hate him like this.

Yeah.

Not very pretty.

Okay! Okay, okay,
I get the message.

If you drink too much
then you get moody

and stupid and you
say things you don't mean.

Fine. I'll never drink
that much, anyway.

Besides, not everybody's
affected like that.

Look at Michael.
? Winchester Cathedral...

? You're bringing me down ?

Okay, he's a little silly.

But he's very cute.
What's bad about that?

Knock, knock.

Herb.

Down here, baby!

Taylor, let us assume...

No, let us pray,

that this is a celebration
of your completion

of the advertising proposal.

Which is due, oh...

Now!

You shave between
the eyebrows, don't you?

Herb...

Margaret Wilbur.
You remember me.

I make a strong impression.

Oh, yes.

Nicole had a drink
at a party last night.

Joey and Michael are now
on the ill-effects of alcohol,

like how, if you're roaring
that's probably no good.

No, what's probably no good

is that now I am
Harris and inquire.

Huh?

Hey, I'm the artist.

I like it that way.

(SCOFFS)

They must love you
love their jobs, kid.

Are my Dads in trouble?

Oh, just have them
call me in the morning.

If they wake up.

Judge! We have to
sober them up now.

No, this is when
the fun begins.

Gentlemen,
start your engines.

(JINGLES)

Yeah! Okay!

Games!
I'm great at this game.

Yes. But I am
greater than you.

Nicole, this is
what it's all about.

Go.

(BUZZING)

JOEY: Ah! He cut me off!
MICHAEL: Give me that!

Michael's turn.

(BUZZING)

Okay, everybody
I need a team.

What lesson is this now?
I can't even drive yet!

You don't have to drive.

Passengers can get
just as dead.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Hey, kid.

Okay. Eyes clear,
breath fresh.

I walked a straight line
from our apartment to here.

Can I have my car back,
now, please?

Your car? Joey,
we still have the car of Roy!

Yeah. Yeah.

Now you're gonna
see me really drive.

'Cause I got a real car!

(LAUGHS)

What are
you talking about?

You're not
driving anywhere!

Party's over, boys.

Yeah, that would be my vote,
tells me you two are tanked.

Where'd you park it, Mikey?
We'll find it.

That's it, Joey!
Give Roy the keys.

You did a very good job.
you're doing anymore.

Now, sit down.
Relax, relax, Mom.

You're angry when
you're beautiful.

(KISSES)

Stop it!

Stop it, damn it,
I'm talking to you!

Hey, don't screw up my car!

I saw Roy come up.

Roy means trouble,
so I followed.

How's the lesson
going, Judge?

Just put 'em down anywhere...

(JOEY AND MICHAEL GROANING)

(JOEY AND MICHAEL SIGHING)

These yours?

Yeah, thanks...

You know,
when I drink.

Did they know
was out there?

Uh-uh.

Did you?

Uh-uh.

KLAWICKI:
Tackled Michael clean.

Joey I had to blindside.

He may be feeling
that in the morning.

Mr. Klawicki.

Thanks.

You should never
have let them do this!

They were going to do
no matter what I said.

Just the way you are,
no matter what they say.

Why'd they have
to do it this way?

Because they love you.

Because love motivates
their behavior, not alcohol,

or you'd have a very
different kind of life.

They did this so you'd
there were drinks at a party.

Where's Nicole?

She okay?

I'm okay.

(SNIFFLES)

(MUSIC PLAYING)