02x08 - Dirty Dating

[bunniefuu]

(TV PLAYING)

(INSTRUMENTAL ROCK MUSIC
PLAYING ON TV)

Okay. I'm ready
for my date.

Female point of view?

Adopt me.

(LAUGHS)

Sorry, Shelby,
(CHUCKLES)

Hey, hey,
come on!

Only I get to
mess with his hair.

So, who are you
tonight, Dad?

Oh, an angel, Nick.

God's great gift
to a good little, Joey.

I don't know, tickets to the
best show on Broadway,

reservations to the best
new restaurant in town,

a beautiful woman
waiting for me.

Ah, ah, oh, oh,
okay, I'll go.

Do we get to meet
this beautiful woman?

Ah, next time, honey.

Tonight it's just
pick her up and drop her off,

and, "Thank you very much
for a lovely evening."

Just like all first dates
are supposed to be, right?

(KEYS JINGLING)
service announcement.

Don't wait up.
(CHUCKLES)

(STAMMERING) Hello.

(GASPS) Hi, Is Joey here?

No, and what a shame.
Let's go to Rio.

Uh, how you doing, Molly?
Come on in.

How are you?
I'm good. (CHUCKLES)

You're looking good.
How are you?

Hey, I'm fine.

Listen, I want you
Hi.

I guess she gets to
mess up his hair too.

Ready?
Ready now.

Ahem!
Yes.

A-hem.
Yes, yes.

I'd like you to, uh...
daughter, Nicole.

And this is my, uh...

(LAUGHS)
My Michael.

Hi, Michael.

Excuse me one second.
Okay.

(BOTH CHUCKLES)

Hi.

Oh, hello.

So, Michael,
are roommates?

Yeah, that's my pal Joey.

You know,
and what's his is mine.

Hi.

They're both my dads.
They raise me together.

Well, I'm sure you're
(CHUCKLES)

Gee. Joey never
mentioned you, Michael.

Of course,
I can understand why.

Really?
Never mentioned me?

Huh? Well, I think
to make up for it,

the least he can do
evening talking about me.

(LAUGHS)

So, so, Molly?

What are you and Joey
going to be doing tonight?

Oh, you know,
grown-up stuff.

Grown-up stuff.

Oh, something
I'd not understand, probably.

If you'll excuse me, I think
I hear my dolls fighting.

Lovely child.
Mmm-hmm.

And I bet you were
a beautiful baby.

Yes, but I was never
completely weaned.

Dad!
Gotta re-mousse.

Dad!

Hey, Nick,
till later, okay?

'Cause Michael is out
and I got to rescue her.

She's not bothered.
Yeah.

That's exactly why
I got to rescue her.

Dad, I don't think
she's right for you.

She's flirting with
Michael out there,

and she completely
ignores me.

Yeah?
(SCOFFS)

Yeah! Is that the kind
of woman you want to date?

Oh, yeah.

Hey, look, she's not
ignoring you, Nick.

It just takes her
to new people, that's all.

(LAUGHS)

And she's warm.

Okay, I'll see you later.

Dad!

Dad, I'm serious.

She's very flirty,
your daughter,

treating me like
I'm a three-year-old.

I think the best idea
is that you don't date her.

Hey, look,
I got a better idea.

Why don't I go over there
and pry Michael off her,

and take her out
on a little date?

Maybe a test date,
you know?

And then what I'll do,
is I'll write up a report

and I'll hand it
in to you tomorrow.

Dad!

Ready?

Uh, ready now.

Goodbye, Michael.

(LAUGHS)
Bye, Mike.

Joey!
Goodnight, Nicole.

(SIGHS)

I'll expect you home
not a minute later!

Me?

No. You are a nice boy.
You date nice girls.

Yeah.

Rub it in.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

? You can count on me

? No matter what you do

? You can count on me

? No matter where you go

? I'm standing by your side

? I'll be right behind

? No one loves you
more than I do

? Put your hand in mine

? I can see
a part of me in you.

? A little something special
that comes shining through

? I hear it in your laughter

? And I feel it
when you cry

? I will be
right there for you

? Until the day I die

? You can count on me

? No matter what you do

? You can count on me

? No matter where you go

? You can count on me ?

So, uh, Joe?
Mmm?

You done with
Yeah.

Done with your juice?
Yep.

Done with your Molly?

No.

She wanted me, Joe.
She wanted me.

She flirts with
everybody, okay?

But she goes out with me.

She's only going
with you to get to me.

And I got to admit
she got to me.

Oh. Sounds like you
on your date, huh?

Oh, I had a great date!

Great date, you know,
great dinner.

Great show,
fabulous conversation,

but after a while,
you just, you want Molly.

(LAUGHS)

Cheese it, the kid.
(CLEARS THROAT)

Hi.
Hi.

Want some breakfast?

Would you like me
to have breakfast?

Well, yeah.
want breakfast.

Why should I have breakfast
to have breakfast.

Why should I be forced
to have breakfast

just because some parent
a trillion years ago said,

"Oh! New day,
eat waffle."

Oh, I almost completely
forgot to tell you!

She hates you now.

You want to talk?

Would you
like to talk?

(SCOFFS)

No.

No. Definitely,
let's not talk.

I'm gonna tell you
something, mister.

You think that just
because you're a parent,

you have the right to tell me
how to live my life.

But when I try to give
piece of advice,

like, your date stinks,

then I have violated
of the universe,

which is the advice
only flows in one direction,

from your mouth
to my life!

You're on, babe.

Let me tell you
structure works, okay?

You see, the father
and the father,

are calling upon
of living experience,

make decisions that you
may not understand right now,

but, in time, you will.

When?

When you're older.

Here we go.

When I'm older?

(GASPS) Ah.

Well, I'm older now.

And I'm even older now,
older and older.

You know what
What?

When I'm ?

Maybe then
I'll be wise enough

that I could
once in a while?

Nicole...
Do not

call me Nicole!

Okay? Nicole is
my child name.

I do not respond
to my child name anymore.

(STAMMERING) And what name
will you respond to now?

You may address me
as Sigourney.

(LAUGHS) Okay.

Sit down and eat
Sigourney, all right?

I will.
I will eat my breakfast,

but not because you say so.

I will eat it
downstairs at Klawicki's,

I will have a hamburger
for breakfast,

then I will go immediately
swimming and get a cramp,

and then, on my way home,

I will look only one way
while crossing the street,

and probably get hit by advice
from an oncoming parent!

She gets that from you.
She gets that from you.

The thing that
this parenting thing

is that it's such
Uh-huh.

NICOLE: Why is it
who to go out with,

and I can't tell
Uh-huh.

NICOLE: Shelby.

Do you think I'd make
a good biker babe?

If you keep looking
over at those guys,

they're gonna think
and they'll...

Oh, no.

Hey,
sweet thing.

Got a name?

Shelby, but you can
call me Darlene.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

They call me Chopper.

Of course they do.

Darlene, what's your
little friend's name?

(WHISPERS)
You could be Trixie.

(WHISPERS)
I don't want to be Trixie.

I want you to go back
to your table now, please?

(HUFFS) Chopper does
walk back alone, baby.

Well, nobody's going
with you this time,

so, perhaps
on your way.

Furthermore,

you...
You leather-jacket guys

may think
you're so tough, Chopper,

and I personally
think it's Lewis,

but any girl
knows better.

Thanks, Mr. Klawicki.

You know,
your dads would appreciate

you talking to those
kind of guys, Nicole.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

I got it.

(WHISTLING)

Hey, I got, uh,
flowers for Joey Harris.

I'll take 'em.
Are you Joey Harris?

Who are
the flowers from?

It's from a Molly.

I'm Joey Harris.

You know...

You know, no,
I need some ID

because, you know,
to give these flowers out

to anybody who's
not the person that I'm...

I understand.

Oh, thank you, Joe.

"To Joey, thanks for
a lovely experience."

Ew!

Ew!

(WHISTLING)

Who was that?

Oh, there was a...

There was a guy at the door.

Oh.

So, uh, where's Sigourney
this evening, huh?

Sigourney is out
with Zach.

She didn't ask me
if she could go out.

Well, that's 'cause
you're the great Satan.

Hey, you know,
just because a date of mine

isn't sensitive to Nicole's
needs at a particular moment,

what am I supposed to do,
cancel the rest of my life?

No, but you only
go out with women

who have the
Nicole Seal of Approval.

(DOORBELL RINGS)
Me?

What about you?

Me? Oh, you didn't hear?

I'm a nice guy.
I... I date nice girls.

I can date my head off.
I'm allowed.

Mr. Harris.
Mr. Taylor.

Hello, Nicole.

Nicole's not here, Cor.

My point exactly.

She's out with Zach,
isn't she?

Hey, what can I tell you?

That's just the way
it works, Cory.

Look, last time
she went out with you.

This time she
went out with Zach.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

I got it.

When are you guys gonna
clamp down on this Zach thing?

Cor, we make it a practice
what to do with her life.

And Nicole makes it
when we do.

Hey, Zach, what lovely
are those.

Yes, I was on my way over here
"Ow, flowers."

And I suppose you spent a lot
of money on those flowers?

Of course.
To me, Nicole is worth it.

Did you...
What am I, an idiot?

So, where is she?
What?

Well, you're out together.
You're not together.

How come
you're not together?

You remembered the flowers,
but you forgot the girl?

He lost Nicole!

Should we ever find
be very good for me.

Wait a minute.
talking about?

We didn't
have a date.

What are you talking about?
going out with you.

Why would she do that?
A-ha!

The very question
that brought me here.

(DOORBELL RINGS)
I got it. I got it.

Hey, Shelby,
how are you doing?

Oh, you guys are here.

Fine, because I want to
go out with you

and I want to
go out with you.

You may think
nice of me,

Cory and Zach
boyfriends and all,

but I think it's only fair
since Nicole stole my man.

What man?
Somebody talk.

Where is
my daughter, huh?

Somebody talk.
I think you.

She's out on a date
with Chopper.

(BOTH GASP)

Oh, she didn't
tell you?

(SCOFFS)
here is done.

Chopper?

(BOTH GASP)

That can't be good.

So, my daughter is out
named Chopper?

I'm all a glow.

Hey, she's doing this
You know that.

No, no, no.
to get back at you.

You went out on a date
want you to, so now...

So now, she's doing
Mr. Taylor, Mr. Harris,

I think you're being
on yourselves when...

When you stop
this is all Zach's fault.

Well, how do you
figure that, Butthead?

Because back before you
and your haircut showed up,

this was a nice little
one-boyfriend household.

And it's
Mr. Butthead to you.

Hey, when you
two are through,

maybe you can help us
did with our daughter.

Guys, think, okay?

If you wanted to be alone
where would you go?

Oh, most of our dates
are movie dates.

Innocent movie dates.

Movies where
you sing along.

(SNAPS FINGER)

We go to
the museum a lot.

Talk!

The boat basin.
The boat basin.

Not that I've ever heard
of the boat basin.

I wouldn't even think
to the boat basin.

She wouldn't let you.
Oh, she told you that?

Yeah, she told me that.
When did she tell you that?

You want to know
when she told me that?

Yeah, I want to know
when she told you...

Fellas, fellas,
fellas, shut up!

Okay, guys.

What... What exactly goes on
at this boat basin?

Oh, don't...
Don't say that.

Come on. You guys
where this is.

Come on, Joey,
stay here.

I want you to stay here
In case she comes back

or she calls or something.
Why should I stay here?

I'm not staying here.
Think.

Because if you
what are you going to do?

I tear his head off.
I k*ll him.

All right. I stay here.
All right.

I tell you something.
just listened to Nicole

and taken her seriously,
would have happened.

Joey, you take Nicole
seriously lots of times.

You can't take kids
seriously all the time.

What, you mean, you don't take
Nicole seriously as a rule?

I don't take you
seriously as a rule.

Hey, I think that's all
is to be taken seriously.

That's all I ever wanted.

What advice did you
give your parents, Joe?

Well, I remember one time
with my mother.

I told my father that I...

I didn't think he should
tie himself down to one woman.

(CHUCKLES)

I think I'm still grounded.

Look, I try never to butt in
to your parental life.

Give me a break.
what you got to do.

You got to draw the line
between parent and friend.

Someday I'd like
to be both.

Joe, you're just starting
with your father now.

That's a relationship that
father and you being the kid

and you battling each other
so long you get exhausted.

You got no place else to go,
into each other's arms.

So you're saying
a parent now, right?

Uh-huh.

So, you're saying
Nicole like a parent now?

Uh-huh.

So, then you're
saying that I'm right?

Had to happen
sooner or later.

Right.

Hi, Judge.
Hi, Nicole.

Hey, Judge.

Hi, Chopper.

You two
know each other?

We met professionally.

So, uh, you two
going into the loft now?

NICOLE: Yeah. I thought
we'd go in and have a soda,

but mostly I really want
my dads to meet Chopper.

Oh, I'm sure they'll
jump at the opportunity.

Hey, Dads, I'm home!

Dads, I want you
to meet somebody.

Dads!

Nobody seems to be home.

Impossible.

When I go on a date,
they're always home

waiting, watching,
cleaning their g*ns.

And yet,
they're not here now.

It's a first.

No, but I'm sure
they'll be back any second.

Really. They don't like
alone too long.

Ah...

Well, it looks
as if tonight

they're treating their
little girl like an adult.

Why don't we make
for the evening?

Yeah. Let's talk.
Talking's adult.

So, what do you want to do
after you graduate?

I'm not thinking
any further than tonight.

Short term goals are good.

Mmm.

You sure do
move around a lot.

You want to read?
Reading's adult.

You want to jog?

Hey, you're fast, huh?
No, I'm not fast.

No, I'm not fast at all.
As a matter of fact,

I think you should
I went out with you

was on account of my dads.
Lousy thing to do, huh?

Despicable.
Let's kiss and make up.

No, really.
We had an argument,

and I'm using you
to get back at them.

I got a way we can
really get back at 'em.

JOEY: Why don't you check
under the hood?

Hey.

Sure would be nice
right now, wouldn't it?

That's my Daddy.

Yeah. Joey Harris.

Nicole's daddy.

Whoa, look how much bigger
I am than you!

Yeah, I noticed
a sizable discrepancy.

Yeah. Yeah, and I
couldn't help overhearing

that you're trying to get
my daughter to do things

that she doesn't
want to do.

That makes me very mad.

Now, you're gonna
martial arts, right?

(CHUCKLES)
I just go psycho.

I'm a lot
younger than you.

Hey, age means
nothing to a psycho.

She's the one
that asked me out.

JOEY: Yeah, yeah,
that was for my benefit.

And that door
is for your benefit.

Use it.

Yeah?

Well, I'll tell you what.
Yeah, yeah.

Now, I'm insulted.
Yeah, you're insulted.

I'm leaving.
Get out of here!

You okay?

Uh-huh.

That wasn't one of
your best ideas, you know.

I was just trying to make you
feel like I felt last night.

But you get that, huh?

Yeah, you were trying
to teach me a lesson.

You want to know
what I learned?

You're not old enough
to teach me a lesson, okay?

I'm your father,
here's the rules.

Sit down.

Look, I'm gonna be
here to protect you.

I am gonna
provide for you.

I am gonna decide
what is best for you.

In general, I'm just gonna
be here to boss you around.

So, all you got to do, see,

all you got to do is grow up,
I'm gonna stop.

But you never will,
will you?

Okay, I won't.

Love you, Dad.

And I love you too.

And you're grounded.

Of course.

Joe, she's not there!
I couldn't find her!

Oh, wait,
there she is!

Right next to you.
On the couch.

Isn't it always that way?
you look, right?

And you've probably been there
haven't you?

Yeah, while I've been running
boat basin

for an hour and a half.

You ever been in
a boat basin at night?

It's nice.

Oh, it's nice. Dark, dirty,
disgusting boat basin,

and couples
are touching and groping,

and real happy
to have me stick my head

in between them
and look at them.

They...
They're happy about that.

Apparently I'm the
at this point, and...

And as I'm leaving...

As I'm leaving the boat basin,
some creature,

some fishy,
seaweedy thing

slithered on an oyster,
I'm hoping it was an oyster,

slithered across my back,
So, I...

But as long...
You're here, you're safe,

(STAMMERING)
I feel much better.

What did I miss?
Am I still upset?

Nah, we talked
the whole thing out.

I missed the
big daughter moment!

I missed the, oh,
for running off willy-nilly

to drag the river, huh?

We covered everything.

No, you didn't
That's impossible.

You didn't...
the Chopper kid?

Did it.

You grounded
the daughter, right?

Did it.
Hmm.

"The I love you,
I love you" thing?

Did it.
Did it.

MICHAEL: Mmm.

Well, I guess
the only thing left

would be, uh,
we should always listen

to what Nicole
has to say,

and never dismiss
her opinion,

even if we
don't agree with it.

Did you do that part?

Did it.
Wait a minute!

(MUSIC PLAYING)