02x14 - Basket Case

[bunniefuu]

Let me ask you something.
an insurance doctor,

or did you just want
to be a neurosurgeon

and just missed, like,
a million classes?

You know, I love my work.

I examine you.
If you are healthy,

we promise to pay when you
die because we know you won't.

If you are not healthy,
we knew you would.

Here.

You call this up to
the dotted line?

I don't, do you?

I don't. Do you?

I don't.
I can't!

Come on, I'm under
pressure here! All right?

I mean, you wanted a specimen!

That ought to be enough
for a specimen.

No, no. A spec-i-man,
he fly to the moon.

This, is a dribble.

This barely qualifies
as humidity.

Hey. Come on, gimme
a break, will ya?

Gimme a break.
doing a rain dance.

Sure, fine.
I'll take it to the lab.

They will look,
they will laugh, ha-ha!

They will know.
They will see your name.

Joseph Harris.

"Macho Man."

Okay, Dads, wish me luck.

Hey, hey, today's
the day, right?

Basketball tryouts!
first game, Magic?

Dad, I haven't even
made the team yet.

Hey, you're my daughter.
You're a natural.

And my daughter.

Good luck, sweetheart.
Thanks.

All right.
Hey, hey, hey,

when you're sure the
coach is watching...

The amazing, unbelievable,
wrap-around jumper!

And the crowd goes wild!

And another family
tradition continues!

You know what, I cannot wait
to be sitting in those stands

and see Nicole throw
that buzzer beater

for the state championship.
I can hear the crowd now.

Joey's daughter!
Joey's daughter!

Joey's daughter!

Mr. Taylor,

you play basketball?

Uh, well, not a lot lately,
I haven't.

Any exercise at all?

My work keeps me kinda busy.

You work hard?
Oh yeah.

You work late?
Yep.

You drink?
Nope.

You smoke?
No.

You might as well.

? You can count on me

? No matter what you do

? You can count on me

? No matter where you go

? I'm standing by your side

? I'll be right behind

? No one loves you
more than I do

? Put your hand in mine

? I can see
a part of me in you

? A little something special
that comes shining through

? I hear it in your laughter

? And I feel it
when you cry

? I will be
right there for you

? Until the day I die

? You can count on me

? No matter what you do

? You can count on me

? No matter where you go

? You can count on me ?

Mr. Taylor.
Just a doctor's curiosity...

Do you get headaches
like steel bands

squeezing your brain like
yesterday's cantaloupe?

Oh yeah, sure, sometimes
I get headaches like that.

Doesn't everybody?

I don't. Do you?

We don't.

Might I also ask,

is there, in your
family, a history...

How may I put this delicately?

(GASPS)
(CRIES OUT)

No, no.

Hey, Mike, didn't your
both have heart att*cks?

No. Not big ones.

Not big ones! Little ones.

Heart boo-boos.

My family has a history
of heart boo-boos.

It's nothing to worry about.

You wish.

What are you saying?
gonna get insurance?

I'm not saying that.
I don't decide that.

What are you saying,
I'm sick?

I take the information,
I turn it over to the lab.

Am I gonna die?

You know, you
shouldn't get excited.

What, what,
'cause it'll k*ll me?

Look, have a nice day, huh?

I'll get the test
results in the mail.

Hey wait, wait!

What should Michael do about
this, you know, death thing?

Mr. Mike is a
Type A personality.

What the hell does that mean?

Change your lifestyle.

Change your work habits.

Become a different
person altogether.

And that's gonna help?

Well, it's hard to say.

You see, you are what you are.

And guys who are what you are,

are dropping like flies.

Toodles!

Hey, wait, hey,
Michael, don't.

Come on. You're gonna get
yourself all crazy over this.

I'm a Type A
personality, Joe.

Wait for the results come in.
No, no, no, no...

Type A's, we don't live
long enough to get results.

We just get sh**ting pains

and cantaloupe
headaches, that's it.

You're fine.
You are healthy.

Come on, you're
And what if you're wrong?

Then can I have your stereo?

These are clips from my
high school glory days.

I remember this like
it was yesterday.

"Joey Harris Leads Hoopsters
to Victory in Quarter-Finals."

Every minute is etched
in my memory.

"Harris and Hoopsters
Triumph in Semi's."

Every moment frozen in time.

Every second just
b*rned into my brain.

Who won the finals?

I forget.

Hey, there she is! Hey, hey.

Hey, hey, there's
my basketball star!

Hey, any college
scouts there, huh?

Get any product
endorsements, huh?

Maybe your name on a sneaker?

What? Come on!

No.

What "no"? Which one no?

The big no.

The no you don't
want to know, no.

You didn't make the team?

It's the coach!

She's real serious
about winning and stuff.

The girls she picked
are all, like, good.

Well, did you show her the
wrap-around jumper?

I did.
Well, what happened?

She questioned its usefulness
in actual competition.

What she actually said was,
"What moron taught you that?"

Huh?

Smooth move, Shelb.

Hey, she's got no
business being a coach.

Oh, look who's here
just in time.

Good old logical,
sensible Michael.

I just donated all my organs
to a guy named Ted.

He's gonna be here on
Thursday to pick them up.

Joey, fix Michael.

Michael, fix Joey.

Nicole, all fixed.

Let's go.

Nicole is devastated
because of

some coach, who probably
teaches, like, Home Ec.

They said, "Hey, you got a
life?" She said, "No."

So they stuck a
whistle in her yap!

You know, if I die, Nicole's
to bring her up right.

And Joe, I've decided
that I want you...

...to find her one.

My daughter is good enough
basketball team.

I'm going down there,
I'll tell you that.

I'm gonna go down and
straighten that coach out!

I'm going down there.

Yep.

Because when you
get right down to it,

Type A personality, headaches,

it's all just
doctor talk for...

? Swing low, sweet chariot ?

You're the coach?

Yeah.

What can I do for you?

I'm Joey Harris.

Nicole Bradford's my daughter.

Nicole Bradford.
She's about this tall.

She's got long hair.
You ruined her life.

Oh...

Not every girl can make
the team, Mr. Harris.

Well, how many girls did?

Five starters, five subs.

How many did you cut?
About four, five.

Well how come you
gotta cut any of 'em?

Why don't you suit up,
say, a dozen players?

If I suited up a hundred
players, Mr. Harris,

Nicole wouldn't
be one of them.

I mean, she's a nice girl, but

basketball isn't her game.

What are you telling me, huh?
What are you telling me?

That my daughter's not good
enough to warm the bench?

Look, Harris, I hate
to do this to you...

Me? You're not doing it to me!

You're doing it
to my daughter!

She's the one
that's devastated!

She'll never play basketball
unless she gets serious.

I mean, you know
the sh*t she's got,

where she wraps the
ball around her body?

She should try the circus.

Hey, I happen to know my
daughter's good, okay?

Now, if you don't see that,
you know what that tells me?

That tells me that you
are no kind of coach.

Well, maybe you're right.

I don't know why
they hired me.

Unless, of course,
it's got, uh,

something to do with
I just happened to win.

So come on, Harris...

You gonna eat the ball
or what?

(SCOFFS)

Oh yeah?
Okay. Yeah, come on.

Let's see what you got.

All right.
All right.

That was a foul.

You missed, Harris.

Yeah.

But you looked cute
doing it.

Real cute.
(SLAPS BEHIND)

Hey, this ain't over, lady.

Look what I got, sweetie.

A new video camera.
So that I can record

our last few moments together
before I'm worm chow.

Dad, you're overreacting.

You're my overreacting dad.

All right, here's what's
gonna happen.

I'm taking you and Shelby
that were cut,

and we're gonna make
a team outta you.

I'm gonna take you down
Coach Stewart's team!

And the winners are
for the rest of the season!

We'll see who knows what
about basketball around here!

Look, honey, this is what
when I was still alive.

You went to my school?

You talked to my coach?

Look, look how much
you love me!

Michael!
Smile, smile.

? For she's a jolly
Which nobody can deny ?

(BLOWS PARTY FAVOR)

Happy th birthday,
Nicole!

You know, wish I were
there to share it with you,

'cause you know what they
say, "Life begins at ."

But I really wouldn't
made it that far. I'm dead.

But enough about me...

Let's talk about you.

I'm sure by now you've
chosen the right career.

But if not, please
video tape number .

Labeled, "Jobs That Would
Make Michael Proud."

Or this one, A
Michael's Dead."

But I'm sure that's
you're very successful.

I'm sure you're happy,

I mean, after all, you're
years old now, and

I'm sure you're thinking
soon to have sex?

What the hell are you doing?

You remember the Judge.

Thanks to the miracle
of video tape,

Nicole will
always have two fathers.

See, I've compiled an
assortment of helpful,

life-shaping, little tips.

"Choosing a Husband
by Tax Bracket."

"Grandchildren and Names
That Sound Like Michael."

"How to Manipulate the Judge."

That one I was
just kidding around.

I was playing with the...
With the camera.

I was gonna do that myself
later in the afternoon.

Michael, have you heard from
the insurance company yet?

Uh, no.

Yeah, but you know what
they say, no news is death.

The thing that kills me
is there's so many,

so many things I wanted
do in my life.

I never saw the sunset
over the Andes.

Neither did I.

I never ran with the
bulls in Pamplona.

Neither did I.

I never had sex in
a Korean car.

You know, what's funny,
though, you know what?

I mean, here I am,
I'm right near the end,

I tell you, I've never
felt better in my life.

There are no warning signs.
I have no sh**ting pains.

No double vision.

(PANTING)

? Swing low, sweet chariot

? Comin' for to... ?

Joey, Michael's
singing spirituals.

Not now,
we got a big game tomorrow.

All right, come on,
push-ups now. Let's go.

ALL: What?

Dad, we just ran around
the block times!

Hey, you wanna win
or you wanna whine?

Well, I guess we wanna win.

Come on, let's go.

All right, come on,
let's go, come on.

All right, you ready?
Let's go.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Okay, that's good now!
Double up on the ball carrier!

Come on now!
Come on, Haskell's open!

Pass it. Pass the ball!

Pass it to Haskell, okay?

sh**t the ball!

sh**t the ball!

sh**t the ball!

sh**t the ball!

All right. Gimme the ball.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Gimme the ball.
Gimme the ball.

Give me the ball!

We're doing better, huh?

All right, let's run
the other play.

Nobody likes the other play.
Why?

It's hard!

Time out.

I'm tired.
I'm thirsty.

I'm getting some juice.

Okay, who wants what?

Wait a minute! Hold it!

Wait a minute!
Did I call time out?

Huh? There's no time out
whistle blow, okay?

(BLOWS WHISTLE WEAKLY)

Harris, I don't want
coachy toes, but,

well, I've just noticed
that over the years

it's important that the
ball go... in the basket.

You see, that's why
they call it basket... ball.

Oh.

Well, you wanna know
why they call it Butt Out?

Oh.

We have a very sad face.

Is our practice not
going vewy well?

The practice is going
just fine, okay?

In fact, the practice
is going so fine

that I'm thinking of inviting
some of my friends down

so that they can see my team
wipe the floor with your team.

Now, what do you think
about that, huh, Stretch?

You don't want to
do that, Harris.

Oh yes, I do.

In fact, I think we should
make a big event outta this!

Gee, Dad, I wouldn't.

Neither would I.

I mean, in fact, it's okay
this whole thing off.

Oh, what, are you
chickening out?

No, I just want to spare your
girls some embarrassment.

Well, look. If you'll excuse
my team now, okay?

Suit yourself.

Dad...

All right! You heard
what she said, okay?

Up till now, it's been fun
and games, all right?

Now, we are gonna totally
commit, okay?

We're gonna eat,
dream basketball.

Because there's
no turning back.

This is the Marines,
all right?

Now, you're gonna work,
we're gonna suffer.

Or we could quit!

Who said that?

Dad, I'm really sorry
this didn't work out.

Hey, it's working out fine!
about, Nick?

Hey, look, this is how
from the losers.

Come on, I mean, I was gonna
cut them anyway.

Look, all we gotta do
more winners like us.

Not us.

What? What are you
telling me?

Come on, what are you saying?
You gonna quit, too?

No, I'm retiring.

(SCOFFS)

Hey, Nick, come on,
this isn't like you,

you're never a quitter.
Dad...

I just wanted to play
it would be fun.

But you're not
making it fun.

Yeah, but I'm doing
the whole thing for you!

You're making the
coach crazy for me?

You're making my
friends crazy for me?

So I didn't make the
basketball team.

That's something
I'm gonna have to live with.

And so are you.

Problem, sport?

Yeah, my daughter hates me.

I ruined her life.

I can never go back
in there again.

I'm gonna have to live
out here in the hallway,

be pathetic, until she
and moves away.

You didn't ruin her life.

You just got carried away,
and we count on you for that.

You do, huh?

They why'd you
give Nicole to me?

I didn't give Nicole to you.

I gave Nicole to you
and Michael.

'Cause I figured if one
of you went berserk,

Michael would be there
to pull you back.

Yeah.

So what went wrong?

I never counted on
you and Michael

both going weenie on
me at the same time.

Now, Michael's not
there to pull you back.

It's a flaw in my system.

Hey, I got you,
Judge, I got you.

But if Michael's there
what am I there for?

Another flaw in my system.

Get up.

You know, Joe,

the Hindus believe
in a life after death

where the dead can
contact the living.

So, I'm wondering,
how do they do this?

And is it cheaper
after : ?

Snap out of it, will ya?

Come on! Did you get the
insurance report?

Mmm-hmm. Right here.

Like a great weight
horsepower heart.

Hey, hey, this says you
What's the problem here?

This is a premium notice.

Notice the premium.

Geez! You gotta pay
that every year?

Month!

Geez.

Hey. Look at my premium.

Hey, that's nothing.

I mean, I got that much on me.

Sorry.

Apparently, Joe, I've got
a Type A personality,

which means I undergo
people, for example, you!

You know what this says?
It means that they're betting

that I'm gonna check
out before you do!

That they think that
you're going to make it

to a ripe old age and I'm
gonna make it to, like, lunch.

You got to promise to
keep my memory alive.

Will ya do that for me, Joe?

Absolutely not.

What?
Absolutely not.

Hey, I got a long
life ahead of me.

Come on, hey, I got
parties to go to.

I got vacations to go on.
(LAUGHS)

I got -year
mortgages to get.

Hey, I'm gonna
learn the mambo!

You're a good friend.
a nice buddy.

Yeah, you know
what I gotta do?

I gotta find me somebody
to pal around with, you know?

I mean, I mean,
a good time

in Martinique if I gotta drag
your rotten corpse around?

What are you saying,
lousy rat weasel!

So, you're saying that
I'm good for the good times,

but as soon as the
Aloha.

Okay! Okay!

Here's a news flash,
Mr. Party Man!

I just decided, that
I am not gonna die!

I'm gonna outlive you!

I'm gonna live for
a thousand years!

For one reason!
You know why?

To annoy you
and to haunt you.

How do you feel?

Better.
What?

I'm yelling at you,
I'm feeling better.

Good. You know, because
I happen to notice

that you look, uh, what's
the word... Not dead.

Oh, like you're so wise.

Joe, you think you're wise?

You ain't wise.
You screwed up.

You just screwed up.
You know why?

'Cause I enjoy
yelling at you.

I feel better when
I'm yelling at you.

You actually reduce my stress.

Do you know that?
I have less stress now.

I am at peace.
I am now at peace!

Yelling at you,
peace for me. Ha!

You just bought yourself
aggravation, buddy.

Who would of thought?
The elixir of life!

See? You see? That's why
the Judge put us together.

You see? One of us goes
off the edge, I pull you back.

You went off the edge, buddy.
I'm pulling you back.

Hey, that's what I'm
here for, babe.

Mmm-hmm.
So what am I here for?

Nicole hates me!

What am I gonna do?

Is this the part where
Yeah.

Watch what happens.

Nicole!

Come down here
a second, please.

Hey, sweetheart...
No, no, no.

Nicole.

Joey, it's okay.

Michael explained that
was best for me.

He did?

And he also
way you are and

it's why we love you.

He did, huh?

Yeah. And he also said

that the reason this
so important to you

is because you choked in
your high school finals.

He did?

Hey, that's what
I'm here for, babe.

(MUSIC PLAYING)