02x15 - You Love Me, Right?

[bunniefuu]

Where is it?

In the bathroom.
calling a plumber?

I called twelve plumbers.
Can you hold it 'til October?

No.

Don't worry, I'm a landlord

and I know
So, I bought a book.

Hey, you're a judge,
teach you plumbing?

Plumbing for Judges.

With an introduction by Joe
"The Faucet" Wopner.

JUDGE WILBUR: Oh, no.
Chapter .

Okay Joey, three guesses,

what relative of
letter postage due?

Take a wild guess.
Take a guess.

Hey. I know. I know.

Your Uncle What's-His-Face,
Uncle Raymond!

(SCOFFS)
I wanted him to be my uncle.

I offered to trade my sister
Louise for him.

That wasn't the sister
I wanted.

Oh boy.
What?

Oh no.

Oh yeah.
He's coming to visit!

When's he coming?

Well, according to this
two days ago.

See, uncle Raymond has this
adorable unreliable quality

which you're gonna love
because you're a kid.

All kids love Uncle Raymond.

He's the greatest!

Boy, my uncle and my mother...

He would show up
for Thanksgiving

in like, June,
and she'd say, uh...

She'd say, "Hey, Ray,
where you been?"

"Something came up."
something always came up.

"Where've you been?"
"Something came up."

That's when this little
of my mother's forehead.

I used to sneak up
on her late at night and go,

"Look, Ma, Uncle Ray,"
get that vein out.

Hey, think he'll bring
the Chiclets, huh?

Or those butterscotch
Life Savers, 'member?

He told us that he was the one
put the hole in the middle.

But he really wasn't.

You gotta love this guy.

Well, do you think
he'll be here soon?

Well, you gotta figure,
Uncle Raymond time,

that means that he should
be walking

through that door
right...about...now.

Ooh, he's late.

BOTH: (LAUGHING)
Something came up.

Uncle Raymond, huh?

Wow. Do you think
he ever settled down?

I remember he used to have
you know.

My mother used to
her Canasta ladies.

He was my role model.

(KNOCK ON THE DOOR)

You're late!

RAYMOND: Something came up!

Hey!

You were worried about me!
'cause you love me, right?

Right.

Mikey! Look at you.

You're all grown up!
You look good.

Joey! Look at you!

Hey, what's that
in your ear, an earring?

I was thinking of wearing
an earring, but I remembered,

I'm not an idiot.

You love me, right?

Right!

JUDGE WILBUR: I did it!

All fixed!

Oh. You got company.
Excuse me.

Judge, this is my Uncle Ray.

Ray, this is Margaret Wilbur.

She's a Federal Judge
so don't do the thing

where your shirt comes out
of your fly, huh?

Enchante.

Don't kiss that.
where it's been.

What a babe!

Here we go.

? You can count on me

? No matter what you do

? You can count on me

? No matter where you go

? I'm standing by your side

? I'll be right behind

? No one loves you
more than I do

? Put your hand in mine

? I can see a part
of me in you.

? A little something special
that comes shining through.

? I hear it in your laughter,

? And I feel it when you cry,

? I will be right
there for you

? Until the day I die.

? You can count on me

? No matter what you do

? You can count on me

? No matter where you go

? You can count on me ?

Of course she's
She's my niece!

Oh, what's the matter with me?

I come to visit
my favorite niece,

and I come empty-handed!

Who's your favorite
movie star?

River Phoenix.

That's a person?

He's got a new movie.
Just opened up.

Well, you're going tonight.

Personally, with your
Uncle Raymond.

It's hard to get in.
around the block.

No lines. I know a guy.
Right in.

Really? You can do that?

For you, Honey,
I can do anything.

So Joey, this is all
your work, right?

Yeah.
Oh, beautiful stuff.

You must take in
a pretty penny.

Yeah, I do okay.

I'd like to buy something.

How about this one?

What are you asking for that?

Full price. You don't know me.
Full price. How much?

Fifteen hundred dollars.
For me?

I tell you what.

For you, I give it
to you, okay?

A present from me to you.

Joey, you love me,
you love me, right?

Hey, how about a little
you something.

Oh, I don't want
Nah. No trouble.

English muffin, coffee,
three eggs, scrambled.

BOTH: Soft!

How's seven o'clock
at the Coronet?

Perfect. Make a circle.

Six o'clock, be ready to go.

Thanks a lot, Uncle Raymond.
Oh, right here, baby.

I can't believe it.

You two guys,
raising a daughter.

I remember the only thing
was a ruckus.

So, Ray, tell me,
what brings you to town?

Ah, a little business.

How is business?

Business is business.

And is the same business
you've always been in?

Of course. You know
you stick, right?

I gotta admit.
Sure.

Ray?
What?

When you're older.

Ever since I'm a kid
I want to know more about you,

and you always tell me,
"when you're older."

I'm older now. I'm real old.

As a matter of fact,
I'm starting to forget stuff.

Happens to all of us.

So Joey,
how are the eggs coming?

BOTH: Soft.

Klawicki, you know
in your drain?

Pretty bad, huh?

It's stuck in there.

Did you pull real hard?

No, it told me
it's stuck in there.

I thought it was a hairball.

It's a primate.
Sigourney Weaver.

Oh, pardon me,
Racing Form here?

Anybody work here?
I'm in a hurry!

Proprietor?

Do you have tomorrow's
Racing Form?

You!
Me?

It's Mr. Can't Lose!
It's Mr. Sure Thing!

Have we met?
Yeah.

We met at the racetrack
this afternoon.

And now we meet again.

Wasn't that terrible
what happened

to Starlight Hour
in the fourth race?

I was very disappointed.

I've never seen a horse
get lapped before.

And the guy guaranteed me
she couldn't lose.

I lost a thousand bucks
on that guarantee.

Ooh.

Let me see if I've
got you figured out.

What, you come to the track,

you give guys tips on horses
based on nothin' you know,

the horse loses,
no money outta your pocket,

the horse wins,
into your pocket.

Not a bad living.

You might be onto something.

Well, I have an appointment
with a little girl.

A little orphan girl.
She'll have to wait.

I got a little something
I wanna show you.

I'll just sit here.

I don't understand this.

It's quarter to seven.
We're gonna miss the movie.

I was really looking
forward to seeing this...

Look, Sweetheart, Uncle Ray,
the rest of our relatives.

I mean, the rest
they'd show up on time

but they have no Chiclets
they're not funny.

Hi, Joey.

Hi, Nicole.

I'm sorry, I thought
you were Uncle Raymond.

I'm sorry, I thought
who loved me. Right?

Right.
All right.

Well, if he does come,
I'll be up in my room

brushing my hair
for the millionth time.

Where is he?

How the hell do I know?

You want him, you got him!

He's your uncle.
Gimme the sister!

Relax, okay. Come on!
He'll be here.

No. He won't. Joe,
you don't know him.

He bought you with Chiclets.

He, he does this stuff,
he just does this stuff.

What stuff?
This, he, uh,

promises something and then
he doesn't show up.

I mean, he gets you all
And then he...

Look at this! I'm getting
my mother's vein.

Hey, what are you saying,
Michael, huh?

What do you think,
trying to hurt her?

Not deliberately.
deliberately hurt you.

You just get hurt.

Now that guy only owed me
twenty bucks.

(LAUGHS)

Now that guy only asked
to borrow twenty bucks.

I don't know
what gets into me.

(LAUGHTER)

Nothin', I guess
I was just in a bad mood.

Now then. I lost a thousand
on your guarantee.

I'd like a refund,
or I'm gonna suit up.

There are no guarantees
You know that.

Wrong. You got my guarantee

that if I don't get that
thousand bucks back,

you die.

I die? Just like that?

No virus? No flu?
Right into death?

C'mon, where am I gonna get
a thousand dollars?

The banks aren't open.

Where would I get
that kind of money?

Oh look, you dropped this.

And here's your
driver's license.

So, now I know who you are.
And now I know where you live.

And if you are not back here
tomorrow morning with my thou,

remember the old saying,
you can't go home again.

You know,
by a lot of guys...

But you're good.

All finished, Klawicki.

I'll send you a bill.

Are you gonna bill me like
a judge or like a plumber?

Like a plumber.
You think I'm crazy?

Oh, we meet again.

(CHUCKLES)

And always under the
most auspicious circumstances.

Don't give it
a second thought.

You look better in overalls
in bathing suits.

Am I right?

You're right.

I know a terrific
chef, the chef knows me.

You move fast.

Well, I may only be
here a short time.

What do you say?

Well, I did have plans.

So did I.
Let's break our plans.

We'll make it up
Tonight belongs to us.

You don't mind if I change?

I wouldn't change a thing.

Incidentally, Michael
entire building.

Hey, where have you been?

Mikey, when you get to
ask for a guy named Phil.

Tell him you're Ralphie.
Have you got that?

He's Phil, you're Ralphie.

Who's Phil?
talking about?

Oh, Mikey,
I thought it over.

She really doesn't want to
an uncle she just met.

She should go
That's a thrill.

So, you're not taking her?

Can't you please explain?

No! You explain!
Why don't you,

look, you know,
and shake everybody up,

and ride out again.
And who are you, Zorro?

Hey, Nicole!
down here, please?

Uncle Zorro is here
he wants to explain!

Michael, it's just a movie.

No, it's not.
to this. Okay?

Hi, Uncle Raymond!

Explain!

Honey, Sweetie...

Would you like to hear
some really good news?

There is no good news!

Shush.

I happen to know this
plugging his new picture.

And I happen to know
his PR guy.

Ray!
spoiling the surprise.

There's no surprise.
There's a surprise.

There's no surprise.
There's a surprise.

There's a surprise.
There's a surprise.

Honey, believe me,
at am,

River Phoenix himself,
through that door,

and he's gonna be
standing right here.

You mean it?

Do I mean it?

Ray!

I gotta make calls! Yikes!

Nicole, don't call
your friends, okay?

Just don't call
them for now.

Dad, River Phoenix
is coming to our house!

But just don't call
your friends just yet.

Trust me. Please.

Okay.

Now, you!

Where'd he go?

I guess he went
to his appointment.

And you just let him go?

Hey, what's with you?

Hey, Uncle Raymond!
You come back here!

It's Willie Mays
all over again.

What?

My fourteenth birthday party.
You don't remember this, Joe?

You were there.
I ever knew!

Because Uncle Raymond
tells me,

"Hey Mikey, I'm bringing
blow out the candles!

"Willie Mays himself.

"I know him.
He'll be there.

"He loves me.
I guarantee it."

You know what it's like
friends and enemies

gathered in one place,
on your birthday, huh?

You know what that's like?

And I'm standing
Uncle Raymond.

In the middle
of all this laughing,

I'm standing there,
trying to keep from crying,

and I'm saying,
"He'll be there."

Hey, my Uncle Raymond says
he's bringing Willie Mays

then he's bringing
Willie Mays, I believe it.

I believed him.

Even though somebody
turned on the TV

and there's Willie Mays
in San Francisco

running around
I still believed it.

Hey, I wasn't one
laughing at you.

I know. I remember that.

And my Uncle Raymond
didn't even show up!

He's not doing it again.
He's not!

He can do it to me,
he is not doing it to my kid.

You hear that Ray?
my kid! Not my kid!

MAN: (IN DISTANCE)
Hey, shut up, up there!

Hey, get lost, lady!

I'm a little light-headed.

(CHUCKLING) You should go
dancing more often.

Especially with your
talent for it, am I right?

You're right.

It was a nice evening.

I'm supposed to say that.

So say it.

It was a nice evening.

I discovered a new
my little heart out.

And it's aerobic.

You know, I like it here.

If I had one wish,
stay a little longer.

That would be nice.

Oh, better than nice.

Only problem is,

I don't want to
bother you with it.

Bother me.

My bank's out-of-state.

How much do you need?

A thousand dollars.
manage that?

Of course.

I'll write you a check.

I'll write you an IOU.

I don't understand.

I've learned never to
affairs of the heart.

You're a smart cookie.

You're right.

How much trouble you in?

Nothing I can't
squeeze out of.

Would this be in violation
of any federal statute

that I would have to see
you prosecuted for,

me being an officer
of the court?

Nobody wants that.

In that case...

What a babe.

Oh. Imagine finding us
awake at this hour, huh?

Oh good. You know
disturb anyone.

You come for these?

Uh, something came up.
A business conflict.

So I guess River Phoenix
in the morning, huh?

Mikey, Mikey!
disappointment.

In two days,
she'll forget it.

I didn't forget
Willie Mays.

What? I promised Willie Mays
would show up someplace?

Ray, you make
a lot of promises,

you know? And you say
a lot of great things.

And if we take you
seriously, it hurts.

Come on Mikey, you know
I'm your favorite relative.

My favorite relative
sleeping right now

with no idea how
to be in the morning.

And not just 'cause
River Phoenix won't show up,

'cause you won't either.

Ray...

You do this to my daughter,

you don't come back.

Joey? She's your
You can invite me.

Sorry, Uncle Raymond.

Mikey.

What?

You still love me, right?

You still leaving?

I have got no choice.

Okay.

He's your uncle?

He's gives tips to guys
he does for a living?

Relax, Michael.
He's not good at it.

So that's what
keeps coining up!

He's right. I'm too young
to know about this.

No wonder he was
to get outta here.

Klawicki was
going to k*ll him.

I was never
going to k*ll him.

Especially now since
I know he's your uncle.

Gee Mikey, you owe me
a thousand dollars.

Nobody owes you
anything, Klawicki.

You listened to a tout.

You know what that
makes you, by definition?

You looking for
broke or stupid?

They're not
mutually exclusive.

I'm depressed...

I'm going to the track.

(LAUGHS)

Well, somebody
learned a lesson.

Dad, thanks for telling me
not to call all of my friends.

They'd all be standing
at me right now, huh?

Well, most of 'em.

I tell you one thing...

He's a hell of a dancer.

Yeah. He's the life
of the party.

Can't take that away from him.

Well look who's back.

I'm back because you told me
I can't come back

until I keep my promise.

Well, I'm a man
who comes back.

You kept your promise?

Joey, did I hear a knock
on that door?

You brought him! (LAUGHS)

You brought him! I knew it!
(LAUGHING)

Hey, come on in.
Come on in.

You're Michael, right?

Sorry I'm late, kid.

It's Willie! Oh, my God!

It's Willie Mays!
Nicole! Get the camera! Get...

It's Willie Mays! Willie!

(WHOOPING) Hey!

Willie Mays!

Who is that?
Who is... That's Willie Mays.

MICHAEL: Willie Mays!
(LAUGHS)

Is he River Phoenix's manager?

(LAUGHING) No, long story.

Okay.
(CAMERA CLICKING)

What about River Phoenix?

Ah, Nicole, I'm smart.

You just saw me keep a promise
a long time ago.

So every time I come back,

maybe River Phoenix
will be with me.

So you'll always look forward
to my coming back.

Am I right?

I would look forward
to your coming back anyway.

Oh! (LAUGHS)

But River Phoenix
would be nice.

Oh, sure. Sure.
(LAUGHING)

Hey, I want sixty copies
of every pose

and the addresses of everyone
I ever knew. Hah!

You know, Margaret,

there's a guy downstairs
trying to k*ll me.

I'm in big danger.

I'm a man on the run.

I hope it gets you hot.

You're in no danger, Ray.

Why not?

I know the guy.

I believe this is yours.

Oh...

Hey, uh, Ray.

RAYMOND: Excuse me.
Come here.

Willie. Would you do me
a big favor?

Take a picture.

Me and my Uncle Ray.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)