I figured if we did that
chemistry experiment
this afternoon, we
could goof off lab work
the rest of the week.
Yeah. You'll be plenty busy on
account of it being Club Week.
You mean, we'll be plenty busy.
No, I'm not kidding myself, Rob.
I don't figure that
I'm going to... Hey!
Starts at 9:30. You
could be on time.
I'll tell Harold and
John to be there.
Are you going to
bring Iris to that thing?
I might take her there. Good.
Lightnings. Yeah.
Let's see. There's, uh...
There's Lightnings and Vikings
and Chieftains and Heroes.
Which one do you
think we ought to join?
It's like I said, Rob,
I don't think I'll get
an invite to a club.
You will, but... Come off it.
Will ya, Hank? Look, I told you.
Whatever I join,
you join. Yeah, but I...
Look, are we
friends or aren't we?
Well, of course we are.
Okay. That settles
it. We're friends.
One for all and all for one.
Any club wants either of us,
they have to take both of us.
Hey, you mean it?
Well, didn't I just say?
Hank and Robbie. Like, uh...
Well, like Damon and Pythias.
Or, um, Achilles and Patroclus.
Yeah, sure. Or, uh, or
Robin Hood and Little...
Achilles and who?
Patroclus. We had
him in World Literature.
Oh. Well, come on. Let's
wrap up that chem experiment.
Okay. MISS ELLIOT: Oh, Robbie?
Yes, Miss Elliot?
Robbie, I just
wanted to tell you
how very pleased I was
with those maps you
made for the class.
They were very nice work.
Well, gee, thanks
a lot, Miss Elliot.
Oh, I'm not surprised.
I remember your brother, Mike.
He used to do the
most meticulous,
wonderful map work for me.
Hey, we got the
place to ourselves.
What's wrong with you?
Nothing.
Did I say anything?
"Heat 15 grams of
ammonium hydroxide."
Was it old lady Elliot?
All she said was...
All she said was that my
brother Mike was the greatest.
Like everybody does.
Like the time when I was
the first guy on the squad
to clear the five-six
bar, and the coach said,
"It's about time, Douglas,
"'cause when your brother
Mike was a freshman,
he could clear the five-ten."
You got a match for the burner?
Yeah.
Um, well, I mean, old
Mike was pretty good.
Okay, so do I have to be
reminded of it all the time?
Mike got A's and B's.
Mike was on the student council.
Mike was a four-letterman.
Mike was a stupid genius!
Mike, Mike, Mike!
Who blew up?
Are you bleeding?
Oh, well... Oh, no, sir.
Why, as a matter of fact,
I was looking for a pencil
that I dropped on the floor.
Did something happen?
I'm sorry, Mr. Cronkite.
I just tried to light
the Bunsen burner.
I guess I turned
on the gas too soon.
Yes, of course you did.
I'm pressing my luck
every day I stay in this job.
I should have come
to an expl*sive
end years ago. Huh?
Oh, nothing.
You're Douglas, aren't you?
Yes, sir.
Robbie Douglas.
I thought so.
I remember your brother, Mike.
He tried to make
simple table salt
one afternoon, and somehow
he made hydrogen sulfide instead.
We had to close the
school and air it for 24 hours.
Yes, sir.
I remember Mike.
The worst stench
this laboratory has
ever experienced.
And we've had some lulus.
A very unique boy.
You see?
Even when I'm dumb,
they still remember
that Mike was better
at being dumber!
"After the strip has
been cut to size,
making sure..."
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And so forth...
Well, here we are.
"Simply apply the paste."
Well, where is the paste?
It's over here.
Oh.
I'm just stirring it
for you, Mr. O'Casey.
I think you're kind of lumpy.
Now, never mind my lumps.
Why don't you go over there
and help Chip clean up
that rat's nest in the closet?
Go on over there. Help him out.
Hey, look at all the neat junk.
What do you mean "junk"?
Those are valuable mementoes.
Well, if it's my
stuff, it's junk.
If it's yours, it's
"valuable mementos."
Well, we'll see if that new
washable wallpaper goes up
as easy as it's supposed to.
The guy at the
hardware store said
that any fat head
could put that up,
so I figured that's
exactly what you needed.
I like you, too.
Hey, Bub!
Look what I found! Wh-What?
You put your foot through
the paper, Mr. O'Casey.
I know I put my foot through
the paper, Mr. O'Casey.
Sudsy, didn't I hear
your mother calling you?
I don't think so.
She's in Indianapolis.
"She's in Indianapolis."
My Viking jacket,
insignia and all.
It's very pretty.
Now you'll have to cut
another strip, all over again!
Rob doesn't know
how lucky he is.
Now he can wear this.
Hey, Chip, you want to see how
your grandfather ruined
a hunk of wallpaper?
Uh, Sudsy, go over
there and help Chip, huh?
Uh-uh. I like
watching Mr. O'Casey.
My mother won't let me
watch my father wallpaper
on account of the language.
What language?
I don't know. He starts
talking some kind of language
I'm not supposed to hear.
Mike, will you get this
nuisance out of here?
Get him out, please!
Double-distilled,
triple-chilled, upside-down...
That's it! What's it?
That's the beginning of the
language that my father uses
that I'm not supposed to hear.
Well, guess I'd better
get on home, huh, Rob?
Yeah, look, Hank,
it's not you I'm sore at.
Oh, I know that, Rob.
Oh, here you are!
Hi, Hank. Hi, Mike.
Hey, Rob, look
what I just found.
Hey, a Viking jacket! Yeah.
Were you in Vikings?
Oh, three years.
Oh. I just talked to Whit Davis,
president of the club this year.
You're in.
In Vikings! Yeah.
It's all arranged.
Well, you can just go
ahead and unarrange it.
Huh?
You heard me.
Well, for Pete's sake,
what's the matter with you, Rob?
I'll even give you my jacket.
I'm just trying to
do you a favor.
I don't want any favors!
Aw, come on, Robbie. Okay, okay.
I guess it's not your fault.
It's just that you don't
know what it's like
being Mike
Douglas's kid brother.
I get your old bike when
it gets too small for you,
and I get your old clothes
when you get too big for them,
and now I've got your old
school and your old teachers
and your old
marks to live up to.
But I'm not taking
your old jacket
from your old club.
Well, okay,
if that's the way
you feel about it.
Make it on your own.
That's exactly
what I'm gonna do.
Well, I-I happen to have
a couple of good friends
in the Lightnings and Heroes.
I, uh, I could go kick them the
shins if it'll make you feel better.
Gee, Mike, did
you get an invite to
Lightnings, Heroes and Vikings?
Yeah. Yeah, but he never
got one from Chieftains.
Well, that didn't
exactly break my heart.
They're the biggest bunch
of snobs; I didn't even...
Hank and I have just decided.
We're going to
join the Chieftains.
Boy, you've flipped, Robbie.
You sure have!
Listen, that g*ng
is so high-hat...
How do you know what they are?
You never even got close
enough to them to say hello.
Oh, listen to me,
Robbie, now, look.
They only choose a
couple of guys a year,
and then they have
to be from a families
with a wad of dough
or a swimming pool or something.
Now you know we don't run around
with a bunch like that.
You mean you don't
because you never got asked.
So you can't stand the idea
that I might make it, huh?
Well, I'm gonna.
Me, Robbie Douglas,
on my own two feet.
Well, I hope you don't
get your toes stepped on.
Quit worrying, will you?
We'll go to the Chieftain
Open House tomorrow
and let them know
we're available.
Boy, are you a dreamer.
Well, look, if they took you,
they wouldn't even take me.
Look, they'll take both of us.
Remember, Douglas and Ferguson.
Like, like, uh,
Gilbert and Sullivan.
Or Romulus and Remus.
Or Achilles and...
and that other guy.
Come on, cheer up, will ya?
I don't know how I
got trapped into this.
I just came in to see
how everything was going,
and I ended up with a
gluebrush in my hand.
I don't know what's
wrong with that kid.
Wants to be a Chieftain.
Man, he, he must've
flipped or something.
Steve, try not to have any big
lumps in that paste, will you?
I'll watch it.
Yes, you'll watch it all right.
There's a big enough
lump right... right there.
You know, you talk as though
I've never done any
wallpapering before.
You know, you're right.
Dad, did you hear what I said?
Yeah, yeah.
You, uh...
You said something about...
Robbie making a fool of himself
in front of the Chieftains
or something, wasn't that it?
Now... Hold it, hold it!
I got myself all stuck up
in that stuff once today.
Now when you're carrying
that strip over to the wall,
make sure you carry
it paste away from you.
Oh, well that sounds like
a reasonable suggestion.
Thank you.
Dad, you gotta make
Robbie listen to me.
Believe me, I know
that bunch of snobs.
The Chieftains don't
even know Robbie is alive,
and they care less!
Mike, you've got to
take it easy with Rob.
You don't know this, but
it's a tough spot to be in.
I mean, being a second son.
You've, uh, just got to let
him make his own mistakes.
Say, Bub, do you
think if we put this...
Huh?
I'm not kidding
you, Hank, I swear.
He called me up just a couple
of minutes ago on this phone.
I picked up the
phone, and he said,
"Hello, Douglas".
Just like that.
On this very phone.
Man, that's turbulent!
Yeah. Well, this
guy, Don Hatfield,
he's the president of the
Chieftains, and he said that
I was supposed to meet the
membership committee tomorrow
after school, so they could
check me over, you know,
and see if I've got all the
ten arms on each finger
and two sets of teeth and
stuff. Don't get so excited.
Well, look, who's excited?
You just meet me in
the halls and wait, okay?
And don't worry.
Yeah, I'll... I'll tell
them you know what.
Uh-huh.
Damon and Pythias.
Okay, bye, Hank.
Hey, Rob? Yeah?
You sure that wasn't
some buddy of yours
pulling your leg and not
one of the Chieftains?
Well, sure!
What do you think
they do anyhow?
Send out engraved invitations
when they want to see you?
Well, I wouldn't know.
They didn't want to
see me, remember?
Oh, that's right.
Well, that's okay, Mike.
I'll let you know
what goes on. Mm.
At least the stuff we
make public to outsiders.
Douglas, my friends,
doesn't have a mother.
No kidding.
He's got two brothers, a
father and a grandfather.
And the word is that their
place is strictly open house,
and nobody gets fussy.
You know, that
boy belongs to us!
Watch it. Here he comes.
Hi. Hi.
Mm, hi. I was told to come here.
You Douglas?
Yes, Robbie Douglas.
Don Hatfield, I'm the president.
I'm Robbie Douglas.
Oh, I guess I said that.
Tony Wade. Hal
Seeley. Committee.
Hi. How you doing?
Hi, I'm Robbie. Hi.
I guess you know why we
asked you to come here, Douglas.
Chieftains is the
smallest club here,
and we're kind of particular
about who we let in.
Oh, sure.
So happens we've
been watching you,
and we think, you're
our kind of man.
Oh, well, gee, that's great.
This is the insignia.
A dollar.
You buy your own
jacket, same as us.
If you want to join, that is.
Oh, heck, yeah!
I mean, yeah, sure, you
bet I want to join, yeah.
Then take it, I'm treasurer.
You can pay me later.
Oh, thanks.
Initiation next Saturday.
How about making the
festivities at your house?
My house?
Well, yeah, sure.
If it's okay with you, yeah.
Okay, boy, see you.
You bet. Bye-bye.
See you later. Bye.
Oh, hey, wait a
minute, you guys.
I almost forgot
something real important.
Some tie-up about your
house Saturday night?
It's about my friend,
Hank Ferguson.
You see, I made him a promise.
Whatever club I joined, I'd
get him in as a member, too.
Douglas, I know Ferguson,
and he isn't for
Chieftains, believe me.
No, you see, the thing is...
The guy just isn't
for us, Douglas.
He wouldn't be happy with us
and we wouldn't
be happy with him.
You don't want to make your
pal feel out of place, do you?
No, you got Hank all wrong.
He's a swell guy. He's just...
There's lot of swell
guys in school, Douglas.
If we took them
all in the Chieftains,
we'd be the largest club
instead of the smallest one.
I'm not talking about
other guys, you guys.
I'm just trying to say...
Okay, let's quit fooling
around, Douglas.
Now, Chieftains wants
you. They don't want Hank.
Now do you keep that insignia,
or do you give it back to Tony?
Look, you guys don't understand.
You see, I promised Hank.
I said Damon and Pythias,
Achilles and that other guy...
You want it, or
do I take it back?
Well, maybe, maybe
I could talk to Hank
and see if he
really wouldn't mind.
I mean, he did say that he...
But I promised and...
Well, so if I could
tell you tomorrow...
Maybe you don't
realize the honor
of getting an invite
to Chieftains, Douglas.
We make an invite
once and only once.
You mean, I have to decide now?
Right now.
I live at 837 Mill Street.
See you Saturday night.
Okay, we'll see ya.
I thought you were
never coming out!
What did they s...?
You made it!
You... Chieftains! Oh, my gosh,
I'm gonna be in Chieftains!
Hank...
I couldn't even imagine
getting into any club,
and when you said
Chieftains, well... my gosh!
Me in Chieftains!
What did they say when you
told them about me and you?
I thought of a whole
batch of others.
There's Gilbert and
Sullivan and Rogers and Hart.
Those other two guys...
Uh, Hank... Yeah?
Well, the thing is, Hank...
Well... it's like they
said when I asked them.
Chieftains are
sort of different.
Some people don't
even like them,
and they just didn't think
that you'd like them either.
You mean, they didn't
think they'd like me, huh?
No, no! No, Hank.
Uh, it's just that...
well, we all thought
that you'd be happier
in some... some
club like... well, say,
like the Heroes or Vikings
or something like that.
Except that I can't get in.
Well, the only way I was
going to get into a club
at all was... you
were gonna fix it
so we were together, remember?
Look, I told you why I...
I know, I know, I know.
I didn't expect
to get in, honest.
So long, Rob.
Hey, more food!
So...
Hey, Don? No soap.
Get your own girl, Douglas.
No, no, I didn't mean...
well, what I meant was, uh,
I thought tonight was when
I was gonna get initiated.
Gotta have a jacket.
I got one and paid for.
Okay. Put it on.
You're initiated.
Hey, food!
Here, help yourself.
Is it my move? Yep.
Well, he did it.
I don't know how
he did it, but he did it.
Of course I don't know
whether to, uh, congratulate him
or console him.
Man can't even watch
his own television set
in his own house. I know.
There's a good fight on, too.
Well, we'll just have to
make the best of it, Bub.
This is Robbie's big night.
Yeah.
Hey, Douglas.
Those appetizers were fine.
How about the main course, huh?
I'll get more sandwiches.
That was two weeks ago.
So, then she got real shook
up and just kept yelling.
She just kept yelling.
Then all of a sudden,
Tony just stands there
and goes, "Who, me?"
You're kidding.
I didn't know she
was looking at me.
Well, she was. Me?
Let me tell you about the time
Tony passed this redhead up
and you know what happened?
And she said, "What, are
you some kind of a nut?"
Hey, Douglas, why
aren't you laughing?
Yeah, come on. Come on, laugh.
Tony's a funny man here.
Oh!
Yeah, that's pretty neat.
Yeah, I think that's
gonna work perfectly.
Let's cut that.
There you go.
It's soft.
There!
That's what we'll
put on our jackets.
What kind of thing is that?
It looks like a hot dog!
It's a r*fle.
We can call
ourselves the Riflers,
we can charge and everything!
Fix bayonets!
Charge! Hey!
Watch where you're
going, will ya, squirt?
I'm not gonna join any
old club called the Riflers.
That's okay, 'cause we
wouldn't take you anyhow.
Boy, what a goofy friend!
Join a club and then
tell me I can't join.
Shut up, the both of you!
Just shut up!
Does he ever sock little kids?
No, but he likes to
yell at people lately.
And quit whispering
behind my back!
Oh, nice going.
Huh?
I heard you out
there with the kids.
That's the best display
of rotten humor so far.
You're getting
better at it every day.
Why don't you shut up?
Tell me something, Rob.
Does that, uh, club of yours
give lessons in how to be a heel,
or, uh, does it just come
naturally with membership?
I said shut up!
How's this affecting Hank?
He used to be a
pretty nice kid, too.
Is he as obnoxious as you are
since he's joined
the Chieftains?
All right.
What's going on? Now cut it out.
This kid... I said stop it now!
Mike, uh, I'd like to
talk to Robbie alone.
Go on.
What happened?
Uh... Mike just said something,
and I didn't think
it was very...
I don't imagine this
is Mike's fault, is it?
They way you've been acting
around here the last few days,
I imagine you started it, right?
Well... that stupid
Hank Ferguson.
Hank? What's he
got to do with it?
Can I help it if
he's such a nothing
that the Chieftains
wouldn't take him?
Do you mean to
say you didn't fix it,
so, uh, you and Hank
joined Chieftains together?
Well, is it my fault that
they wouldn't take him?
Is it my fault that he just
stands around like a zombie
and looks at me?
Every place I go,
there he is, looking.
What club did Hank join?
There wasn't any club that
would take him without me.
He said so himself.
Doesn't that prove
that he's just a nothing?
Well, then, Rob, I don't see,
uh, what you're so upset about.
Huh?
Well, if Hank's such a
nothing as you say, uh,
why do you even worry about him?
Go ahead and enjoy yourself.
You don't owe him anything.
I sure don't!
That's what I said.
Hey, Rob! Hey, Rob!
Hey, you guys, where's Rob?
In his room. Hey, Robbie! Hey!
Listen! Listen!
I got it! I got it!
They-they called me,
and I'm a member,
and I got it! I got it!
Whoa.
I-I got it!
Hey, that's a Vikings insignia!
Hey, look, forget
what I thought.
I mean, no matter
what I was thinking,
I-I didn't... I mean...
Thanks a lot.
Well, thanks for what?
Well, for getting Mike to talk
to the Vikings about me.
I didn't say anything to Mike.
We can still be
friends, and look,
when the Vikings... You didn't?
Well, no.
Maybe I should've, but I didn't.
Well, then how...
Hey, hey, Mike.
Uh, you mean, you talked
to the Vikings about me
without Rob even telling you to?
Vikings?
Uh, what makes you
think I talked to them?
Well-well, they called me.
I'm a member. Look.
Well, good.
But what does that
have to do with me?
I mean, they can pick
their own members
without my okay, you know?
You mean, they just..
Me?
But-but I never... Me?
All because just nothing?
Why not?
W-Well, I...
Well, I-I never
thought I would...
Well, I mean...
How about that? How about that?
Hey.
Hey, Hank Ferguson.
Mike?
Well, looks pretty
good, doesn't it?
All it needed was
a good washing.
Mike, did you?
About Hank?
Yeah, well, I mentioned his
name to one of the Vikings.
Well, then why did
you say you didn't?
Well, you're the guy
who made the big speech
about, uh, standing
on your own two feet.
Or does that just go for you?
Well, you gonna tell him
now and spoil it for him?
No, I won't spoil it.
You know, that was
a nice thing to do.
You're not such a
bad slob after all.
My sentiments exactly.
Well, what do you think, Dad?
Looks great, Mike.
All it needed was a
little soap and water.
Not surprised.
I've been recommending
the stuff for years.
Mike. Yeah?
Uh, if you have
enough pull to get...
Well, you know,
somebody into the Vikings...
Well, uh, would you say
you had enough pull to get...
Well, maybe another guy?
Like who?
Like me.
What a minute, Rob.
How can you join the Vikings
when you're already
a, uh, Chieftain?
Yeah?
Well, I quit
Chieftains yesterday.
I figured that if Hank
wasn't their type,
well, I probably
wouldn't be either.
Well.
You know something?
You're not such
a bad slob either.
Well, I, uh, couldn't have put
it more appropriately myself.
Well, then could you, Mike?
Robbie,
do you want to go on just
being Mike Douglas's kid brother?
I thought that was your
big beef in the first place.
Well, it was,
Dad, I guess, but...
Uh, your best friend Hank
is a member of the
Vikings now, isn't he?
Why don't you call him?
If you, uh, ask
him the right way,
maybe he'd put in
a good word for you.
Well, I guess that makes three.
Uh, three what, Mike?
Three not-so-bad slobs.
Oh.
Thanks.
I think.
Hey, look where you're going.
Hey, Robbie's on
the phone, Chip.
Oh, that's okay, you guys.
I guess he must've got
over his yelling mood.
Yeah.
Hey, that's a one-way
street, birdbrain.
Hello?
Hi, Damon?
This is Pythias.
Hey, uh, Hank,
I was wondering if you could
kind of do me a little favor.