♪ ♪
So long, you guys.
Oh, sorry. Oh, excuse me.
Oh, hi, Mike. Hi, Dad.
Say, uh, Bub just called me
and asked me to pick up
some cough syrup for Chip.
He's got a little
cold or something.
Yeah, well, he has been kind of
honking around the house. Oh.
Oh, say, you can take
me home. Oh, sure.
Well, what's the
matter with your car?
I blew a tire.
Do you mean to
tell me you walked
all the way down here from
the house... two whole blocks?
Well, no. Uh, Russ
Burton gave me a ride.
Oh, I wondered.
It's, uh... it's good you're
having that cone now,
because I don't imagine
we'll be having dinner
for another, oh,
ten or 15 minutes.
Oh, that's okay. I just had a
cheeseburger with the guys.
I guess you'll be
able to hold out, then.
Huh? Yeah.
Well, that's a familiar pose.
Hi, Miss Fisher.
Nice to see you.
Ooh, sit down, sit down.
You... you might snap something.
No, that's okay.
Retirement would
be a financial certainty
if I had a dollar for
every time I've seen you
deform your spine
in my classroom.
Ninth-grade math.
Hmm. How about that?
Remember that time you said,
"Michael Douglas, get
that gum out of your mouth
and put your feet in"?
Now that you're a
jaded college man,
I'll let you in on a secret.
I use that every year
in the ninth grade,
and it always gets a good laugh.
No kidding.
Don't tell Robbie,
though. I won't.
I saw your father
go into the drugstore,
and I wanted a word with him.
Is Robbie goofing off?
Hello, Miss Fisher.
Oh, it's nice that you
remember me, Mr. Douglas.
Of course I remember you.
You had Mike for two years,
and now you've got Robbie.
"You've got Robbie."
Sounds like, uh, now
you've got, uh, poison ivy.
The simile is yours,
Mr. Douglas, not mine.
However, I would like
to mention that Robbie
is not applying
himself very well
in mathematics these days.
Uh-huh. Ever since
football season began,
he seems far more interested
in scrimmaging than studying.
Oh. MIKE: Well,
we'll just have to have
a talk with that boy,
Dad. Well, at any rate,
I-I've scheduled a
month-end test for Friday,
and I seriously doubt
that he can pass it
unless some drastic
remedial steps are taken.
Well, no problem...
we'll just tell him
no more football
until he studies.
I mean, after all,
uh, the kid's got
to get the fundamentals, if
he expects to make college.
Well, you told us
that, Miss Fisher.
Boy, were you right.
If he passes the test,
then he can play football again.
Otherwise, no soap.
Don't worry about
a thing, Miss Fisher.
We'll talk to him.
Thank you, Mr. Douglas.
I think these
exchanges of opinions
between parents and teachers
certainly help clear the air.
Good day.
Good-bye, Miss Fisher.
Good-bye, Miss Fisher.
Do you mind if I say something?
Well, sure, Dad. What
do you want to say?
I'll think of something.
Hey, Bub, I did
Around the World!
You did, huh?
Didn't I tell you to go
upstairs and get into bed?
Yeah, but you said,
"First, come down
and get your supper tray."
Mm-hmm. I know I said that.
Now, you get down; I'll bring
the supper tray up to you.
And don't take the dog along.
Why, if you sneezed on him,
he'd be a canine Typhoid Mary.
Who's she?
Never mind. Just get going.
But you said I was sick,
and a person shouldn't yell
at a person who's sick.
Get out of the way, Tramp.
We'll step on you.
Well, you're not that sick,
and you're never
going to be that sick.
Now, get upstairs.
Get out, Tramp.
Well, I see they finally
found the range again.
Tramp, get down out of there!
Hey, Bub, have you seen
our football anywhere?
I put it in the stew.
Oh, here it is.
Will you take
your big, flat feet
and that big, fat football
and get out of this kitchen?
Beans.
What'd you say?
Oh, your beans are burning, Bub.
Oh, no, no.
Oh, you found the ball. Yeah.
Uh, Bub, you remember
Jerry Brunson, don't you?
What a mess.
Oh, uh, he doesn't
mean you, I-I don't think.
Oh. Uh, Bub, is it okay
if Jerry stays for dinner?
We're going to go
out and practice after.
Sure. Glad to have you, Jerry.
Thanks. Hey, I'll get it.
It's probably for me.
For him? Yeah.
- Uh, he's got a girl, Gloria.
- Hi. Yeah, it's me...
He always leaves
his phone number
wherever he's going to be.
That way, they can
keep in touch. I see.
Now, how many times must I
tell you never to do that to me?
Do what? Ask me if
somebody can stay to supper
when the somebody
is standing right there.
How can I say no? JERRY: Okay...
That's right. How can you?
I won't do it anymore,
but thanks for this time...
It was Gloria, all right.
Now, Robbie, you set the table,
and I'll take these
things up to Chip.
Why the room service?
Well, he's got a
cold or something.
Probably a "or something."
Now, you bunk in with
Mike while he's sick.
Okay.
Oh, that Gloria.
She keeps calling
me about the...
the-the dinner she and
the girls are going to fix
for us after the big
game with McKinley.
Oh, how about
that? A victory dinner.
Yeah. She asked me
whether I wanted the
potatoes baked or fried.
I told her fried
was my favorite,
but she says it
takes too much work,
so I told her baked.
Yeah, well, baked is good.
Yeah, but she says it costs
too much to bake them,
because it's a whole
one for everybody.
Uh-huh. So, she's going to mash.
Well, it's a good thing you
got her straightened out.
Yeah.
Now, there's no sense in
b*ating around the bush, Dad.
You might just as well lay it
right out on the line for him.
Mike, uh, what is all this
sudden needling of Robbie?
Well, I'm not needling him, Dad.
It's just that, well, I see
things a lot clearer now.
It's for his own good. Mm.
Okay, Dad.
I'll get this cough
medicine up to Chip.
Oh, Bub, how is he?
Oh, sore throat,
101 temperature
and a slight cough.
But he can do Around the
World lying flat on his back.
Did you get that last part?
Yeah.
Well, if he can do Around
the World now, well,
he'll be Walking a
Dog in a couple of days.
Glad I asked.
It certainly is nice of you
to invite me for... to
dinner, Mr. Douglas.
Here you are, Jerry. Well,
I'm glad you stayed, Jerry.
Uh, lamb chops. Thank you.
Boy, you should have seen Robbie
today at practice, sir.
His broken-field running's
gonna win the
McKinley game, for sure.
Oh, come off it, Jer.
If anything is gonna
clinch that game, Dad,
it's gonna be Jerry's passing.
He got one off today
that was 35 yards
if it was an inch.
Uh, Rob,
speaking about playing
in the McKinley game...
I'll get it.
I'm expecting a call.
Shorty's gonna call...
Is there some guy
here named Jerry?
Some girl wants to talk
to some guy named Jerry!
Mmm. Thank you.
You go back in
bed and stay there!
Okay.
Her name's Gloria, and
she's hanging at the other
end, if anybody wants her.
His girl.
They like to keep in touch.
Rob, about, uh,
football practice tonight...
Well, it's about time.
I'll be the father, Mike.
I was just reminding you, Dad.
I didn't want to bring this
up in front of your friend,
but, uh, we ran into Miss
Fisher on the street today.
And she's not very
happy with you, Rob.
Well, the fact is, Dad,
I'm not very happy
with her, either.
Oh, that's too bad.
She tells me you have
a math test on Friday.
Yeah, I guess.
Okay.
Now, either you pass that
test or there's no more football.
And that includes the big game
with, uh... whatever it's with.
McKinley?
Aw, come on, Dad,
you don't mean that.
You're darn right, he means it.
But Dad, that's a
review on fractions.
If I live to be two
million years old,
I just won't dig fractions.
Well, what's tough
about fractions?
You have five people
and eight chops.
Four people get
two chops apiece,
and I wind up with peas
and carrots. I'm sorry, Bub.
Here... have one of mine. Oh.
Dad, I can't pass that test.
Then, uh, you
can't play football.
But I've got to play, Dad.
All right, then, you settle down
and do some
constructive studying.
Because if you don't, uh,
pass that test,
no more football.
Sorry. Gloria just
wanted to know
whether I wanted chocolate
or angel food cake
for the victory supper.
Oh... Well, what
did you decide on?
Well, I-I told her angel
food was my favorite,
but she says it takes
too many egg whites,
and there's only one thing
you can do with the yellow,
and that's shampoo your hair.
And she already washed hers,
so she told me we
better have chocolate.
Well, uh, it's nice
of her to check.
Yeah.
All the way into the end zone.
Touchdown!
Hey, that makes
six straight TDs.
You know, I've figured out
that I have a lifetime
passing average of, uh...
of 50.6.
Is that good?
Good?
Listen, Johnny Unitas only
has a-a-an average of 53.2.
Yeah, and he's got a lot longer
lifetime than you to begin with.
No, you don't figure it
out that way, lump-head.
Look, you take the
total attempted passes
and the total completions,
and then you figure
out the percentage.
It's the same thing as
averaging in yardage gained.
Well, you take Ollie Matson...
That's nice
figuring, bright eyes.
Now, you do it with your
paper, pencil and math book.
But that wasn't math, Bub.
I was just trying to
explain football to Chip.
Robbie's got a lifetime
of 50 cents or something.
And you've got just ten seconds
to get back in
bed and stay there.
And give me that ball.
He's got it at the
20, gets to the 20...
Hold up here. Hold it, hold it.
Now, look, your
dad wasn't kidding
about passing that test Friday.
Aw, Bub, I just don't
have a head for figures.
What's Paul Hornung's
lifetime yardage total?
Uh, 1,981 yards in 441 tries,
for an av-average
of 4.5 yards...
Oh, come on, Bub.
That isn't the same thing.
To the books. Hike!
I got it!
Hello?
Oh. Hi, Gloria.
Now, make that fast.
You've just got
tonight and tomorrow
to dig into those
books before the test.
Keep punching. Okay.
Hi, Gloria?
Oh, no, I'm sorry.
He's not.
Hi. I heard the phone as I
was coming down the walk.
For me?
Hi, Gloria.
Yeah, I just got here.
Gravy?!
Gee, I don't know.
Mm-hmm.
Well, it's... it's good
on mashed potatoes.
Oh, lumps.
Yeah, who needs gravy? Yeah.
My father says it's full
of cholesterol, anyway.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
So long.
Gloria... about whether to have
gravy on the potatoes or not.
I said yes, but she said...
I heard... lumps.
Yeah. Are you coming?
Oh, I can't.
I got to stay home and study.
Study? The test
isn't until Friday.
Listen, if it wasn't until
a month from Friday,
there still wouldn't be
enough time for me to pass.
Well, then why waste the time?
Jerry... get lost.
"Get lost." Yeah, but...
but the coach is giving us
some new signals tonight.
Okay, so I'll... maybe
I'll come by later.
Or-Or maybe you can fill me in.
How can I fill you in?
Look, you come to
the meeting tonight,
and we can cram up on that
math jazz tomorrow, together.
You really think you can cram
all that stuff into me tomorrow?
Sure. You-You're
okay on everything
but fractions, aren't you?
Well, I'm a whiz on fractions.
We'll clear it up in, uh,
five-eighths of an hour.
Five-eighths of an hour.
Let's see...
Five-eighths of an hour...
I-I said tomorrow.
Come on. Let's get going.
We're-We're, uh, 2/15
of an hour late already.
Boy, you've been studying
here about two hours.
You must know a lot
about fractions by now.
Yeah, well, I don't.
I don't know a single
thing about fractions.
The more I study,
the less I know.
Boy, I wish I didn't have
to take this crummy test.
I'm supposed to be
in be... Okay, so go on
and quit sneezing
your germs around me.
I would've had to take
a test tomorrow, too.
Spelling.
The only thing, I can't,
'cause I'm so sick.
Hey, Chip! Wait up!
No, Rob. I don't think I oughta.
Why not?
Come on, Chip, it's
the perfect solution.
Yeah, but you might
catch my germs.
Well, that's what I want to do,
and then tomorrow, if I'm sick,
I won't have to
take my test either.
Yeah, but I
really... have a cold.
Well, so will I, if
you'll just cooperate.
Yeah, but if I give
you my germs,
then I won't have any left
and I'll have to go to school
and take my spelling test.
Don't be a stupe,
will you? You've got
50 billion germs.
I do?
No matter how many you give
me, you'll still have plenty left.
How many you want?
Look, I don't have time to
waste just on little details.
I've only got about ten
hours to catch this cold.
Why don't you just tell
Bub you got your own cold
and let me keep mine?
You mean, lie to him?
What's the matter with you?
That's dishonest.
Besides, Bub doesn't bluff.
He's always wanting some
kind of proof, like a fever
or spots or something.
Do I have to give you
my cough and sore throat,
or is my sneeze enough?
I'll take anything
you want to spare.
Okay, give me a dime.
What for?
For the sneeze.
The cough is another dime.
Why, you...
And if you catch my sore
throat, that's a quarter.
45 cents!
Boy, what a little crook.
Well, I'd rather keep
my own germs, anyhow.
All right, here... 45 cents.
Brother, if you weren't
the only person I know
with a cold, I'd go catch
it from somebody else.
Gloria, you can
call me all night,
and I still won't
change my mind.
It can't be meat loaf.
Hey, Jerry, listen,
this isn't Gloria.
It's me... Robbie. Robbie?
Yeah, and I just
called to tell you
that, uh, I'm going
to be sick tomorrow.
No kidding. What have you got?
Uh, nothing yet,
but I'm percolating.
I just came in contact with some
of the finest little
bacteria you ever saw.
So, uh, give old lady
Fisher the word, huh?
And enjoy those fractions.
Boy... oh, boy, oh, boy.
Hey, Chip, wake up.
Chip, I think I got a fever.
Fevers are worth 15 cents.
Hey, Chip, where's the
thermometer you've been using?
Over there in that glass.
Maybe I'd better
wash it off first.
No, Bub says the
junk that's in the glass
kills germs real dead.
Oh.
Give me my 15 cents.
I already paid you.
You paid me for the cough
and the sneeze
and the sore throat.
We didn't say
anything about a fever.
Well, unless it's over
100, you don't get a cent.
Hey, you two, what's
the light on for?
Oh, Robbie owes me
15 cents for the fever.
What?
Don't pay any
attention to him, Bub.
He's still half asleep.
Hey, Bub, I think I got a fever.
Let me see that thermometer.
In one minute; it hasn't
been in long enough.
What'd he say? He
said, "In a minute.
It hasn't been in long enough."
Oh, oh, h-how do
you know you're sick
if you haven't got a fever?
Oh, I feel hot.
Well, uh, what'd he say?
He says he feels hot.
How do you know what he's
saying when I can't understand him?
Well, I just figure out
what I'd say if I was him.
Oh... Well, he does
feel a little warm.
You know, we used to
have a gag in vaudeville
about a guy that had a fever.
We'd say to him, "If
it goes to 105, sell."
Is it funny?
I guess not.
"Funny."
Hundred and one.
Oh, 101.
I guess we'll have to
keep you out of school.
Yeah, oh, gee, no kidding?
You owe me 15 cents.
Okay, okay. Out of school.
Gee, that's too
bad, Bub, uh, gee.
Well, we can't send you to
school if you're sick, can we?
No, guess not. Get
in bed now, cover up.
Yeah. Don't sit
there. Keep warm.
Gee, that's too
bad. You got a fever.
Get your arms under there, now.
Take care of yourself.
Now, get up, pal. It's
time for school. Huh?
You, too, Chip. Come on, get up.
Wait a minute, Bub.
Don't I have a fever?
Sure, you got a fever.
You're delirious.
Now, if you're not downstairs
in five minutes, no breakfast.
You, too.
Go on!
Oh, boy, did I have
a rotten dream.
Me, too.
I dreamt I was taking piano
lessons from Mary Lou Gifford,
and every time I made
a mistake, she'd kiss me.
Ugh.
Oh, man, what a gyp.
Come on, Chip, give me
my money back, will you?
No.
Oh, come on.
A guy shouldn't have to
pay for a cold he didn't get.
Well, I guess my
germs just don't like you.
Oh...
I-I should have known
better than to count on you
for anything.
Well, it was your idea.
Yeah, well... well,
you got clunky germs.
I do not.
See? They work good for me.
Look, at least give me
half my money back.
Aw, come on, that's fair.
Do you remember the time
I sold you the harmonica
that was plugged
up with bubble gum?
I gave you all of
your money back.
That's after I turned
blue trying to play it.
Aw, come on, Chip.
Well, what's half of 45?
Half of 45... let's see.
45 over two... Oh, fractions.
Forget it, will you?
Boy, I-I just can't win.
Boy. Aren't you dressed yet?
When a kid's that big
of a crook at his age,
what's he going to
be when he grows up?
Quit stalling.
A gangster!
It'll break Dad's heart.
Hey, did you hear me?
Who's stalling?
You are.
Well, I guess today is
your moment of truth.
What are you talking about?
That math test.
I figured you'd try
and, uh, pull some stunt
to get out of taking it.
Boy...
I wonder if anybody's ever
drowned in a washbasin.
Rob?
Nah, Bub would give
me artificial respiration
and send me to school.
Come on, Rob, get with it.
Boy, one brother's a swindler
and the other one
acts like a saint.
Come on, Rob, wise up.
You're going to be using
what Miss Fisher's
trying to teach you
when nobody even
remembers who won the crummy
football game. Look...
I'm pretty darn good at
math, except for fractions.
That's like saying you're
pretty good at football,
except for running.
I know old lady Fisher.
Half the test
will be on fractions,
maybe even more than half.
It'd be just like her to
have nothing but fractions.
Well, hurry up and get ready.
I'll be down in the car.
Hurry up and get ready.
I'll be down in the car.
Boy, I'll bet you'd
have been right there
to give poor old
Marie Antoinette
a ride to the guillotine.
Hey, what are you doing here?
I thought you were
going to be sick.
So did I.
Well, gee, y-you look terrible.
I feel terrible.
You mean, you are sick?
No, I feel terrible
because I feel good.
Cheese it, the cops.
The entire class may do 30 extra
homework problems this evening.
Bruce, pick up the chalk
and return it to the blackboard.
Vincent, collect the erasers.
Kinky Rogers, you may
take your copy of the test
to the principal's
office and do it there.
I shall be speaking with
Mr. Henry about your behavior,
and we may as well have
you there to save time.
Miss Ainsley, there
is a time for lipstick
and a time for mathematics.
The entire test will
take half an hour.
No talking, no questions.
Jerry, take the gum out of
your mouth and put your feet in.
Pass these down, please.
Not one fraction.
Not one single fraction.
Not a single
fraction of a fraction.
Passing grade was
70, and I got an 81.
Well, you're not gonna let
him get away with that, Dad.
What do you mean
"get away with it"?
I passed, didn't I?
Yeah, but only by a fluke.
You didn't really earn
that 81, and you know it.
Yeah, but Dad, you said
I couldn't play football
if I flunked... that's
all... And I didn't flunk.
That's right. That was the deal.
Yeah, but... that
wasn't the idea.
Well, he was supposed
to learn something.
I agree with you, Mike,
but a deal's a deal.
Hey, everybody. Yeah, but
he didn't even study, Dad.
You should have put more
conditions in the deal, Steve.
Yeah, but he didn't, and
it's no fair doing it now.
Fair?
Oh, you call, uh, goofing
off like you did fair?
Look, Mike, Dad
said I could play
if I passed, and I'm playing.
And what are you
all of a sudden,
an auxiliary father
or something?
Hey, everybody.
Hi, wha... what
are you doing up?
You get back in bed.
But I don't have a cold anymore.
I think I got something else.
I think this is what Sudsy had
that time he got to
stay home that time.
Look... measles.
Oh, my golly. Look at that, Bub.
He's covered. Yeah.
Oh, are you sure?
Red spots can mean anything.
Uh, maybe he ought to wash
his chest or something, Dad.
I had a feeling all along.
That's the reason I
put you in with Mike.
You could have had it yourself,
and just about the time the
big game was coming up.
That would be poetic
justice, wouldn't it? Yeah.
Yeah. Well, the game
isn't for two weeks.
Uh, I could have the measles
and then be finished
with them in two weeks.
Couldn't I, Dad? It doesn't
work that way, Rob, no.
No, there's an
incubation period.
What's that, Dad?
Well, that's the time, uh,
between the time you're
exposed and the time you get sick.
Come on, Chip, you'd
better get back to bed.
Uh, call Dr. Morgan,
will you, Bub?
I'll call him right
now. Uh, Bub,
what's the incu-incubation
period with measle...
Two weeks, and
if old Doc O'Casey
hadn't separated you and Chip,
you'd be in bed counting spots
and sucking a thermometer,
instead of galloping
for touchdowns.
And if there was any
justice in this world,
that's exactly what
would happen.
Normal. What
did I tell you, Dad?
No temp, no sore throat,
no spots, no measles.
Hey, Robbie, hurry up, will you?
Well, you don't deserve
it, Rob, but go ahead.
Okay, Jer, be right there.
I got to get my shoes.
Good luck.
How do you like that kid!
He doesn't study,
tries to get sick,
and then... then passes
the test by sheer luck.
And after trying
to get the measles,
he doesn't even get 'em.
Hold still till I
get a look at this.
It's my ankle. Is it
broken? I know it.
What happened? Well...
Robbie was jumping
over the banister.
He almost landed on Tramp
and nearly squashed him.
Is it bad, Bub?
I don't think so.
Well, here, Rob.
Come on, get up.
Put a... put a
little weight on it.
Try to step on it.
Ow, oh! Easy, easy.
Come on over here and sit
down. I can't walk on it, Dad.
If I can't walk, how can I play?
It's broken; that
dumb dog broke it.
He's not a dumb dog. It's only
a couple hours till the game.
What'll I tell the coach?
Well, I don't think it's
broken; it's just twisted.
But you'll probably have to
stay off it for a couple of days.
A couple of days?
Dad, how can I play?
Hey, I got to tell the coach.
I'll see you later. Tough luck.
It's not fair...
I've been robbed.
No, now, wait a minute, Rob.
It's too bad it had
to happen this way,
but it's fair, and you know it.
It's a little bit late,
Robbie, but, uh,
it's just about as fair
as you can make it.
Hello.
Yes, Gloria.
Uh, no, Jerry just left.
What?
Uh, Gloria wants to know
what you do for a cake
that falls after you
take it out of the oven.
Soak it in a little hot water
with some Epsom salts,
and it'll take care of
itself... minute or two.
You have to soak it in some
hot water with some Epsom salts,
and it'll take care of
itself in a minute or two.
That's all right.
Epsom salts?