03x04 - Sperminator

Episode transcripts for the TV show "L. A. Law". Aired: September 15, 1986 – May 19, 1994.*
Watch/Buy Amazon


High-powered law firm of McKenzie, Brackman, Chaney and Kuzak handles both criminal and civil cases, but the office politics and romance often distract them from the courtroom.
Post Reply

03x04 - Sperminator

Post by bunniefuu »

previously on l.a. Law...

So, did you get
the test results?

Yeah, there's nothing
wrong with you.

The reason you can't
get pregnant is me.

Low sperm count, low motility.

Am I about to get b*at up
again for being a lawyer, grace?

For being single-mindedly
devoted to putting

A vicious bastard like calvin
shoals back on the street.

I have to hear this from you?

It occurs to even me

That there just might be one
or two things more important

Than all us officers
of the court

Playing our assigned roles.

Right. And mussolini made
the trains run on time.

I will tell you it's our consensus
that you're an exceptional talent,

One who has exceeded
our every expectation.

We think with proper
training and nurturing,

You could be an outstanding lawyer
with a long and rewarding future.

- With this firm.
- Thank you.

How do you want
your phone answered?

"Law office of abigail perkins."

"Law offices of
abigail perkins."

Yeah. Yeah, that's fine.

Hey, what do you
think you're doing?

God, arnie.

Hoping to duck in
and out unnoticed?

That was the plan.

How goes the plan in general?

Uh, actually, I think fine,

Which, considering how
blindly I got into this,

Probably translates to great.

Ah, but... Are you
making any money?

It's coming in. My
expenses are modest.

Is that what you're looking
for? Modesty in all things.

No, I would have stayed
here if I'd wanted that.

Well, then let me offer
you my going-away present...

A free consultation
with my publicist.

A publicist? Get serious.

Abby, I am serious. She's great.

She's young, she's classy, she's
got fabulous media contacts.

My professional visibility
is the highest its ever been.

I gotta tell you, it translates
handsomely to the bottom line.

I don't know, arnie. I think I'll just rely
on good, old-fashioned word of mouth.

Abby, listen to me.

Personally, I don't think you
should've gone out on your own,

But as long as you
did, don't become some

Low rent,
ambulance-chasing day player.

Give yourself a competitive edge.
There's a trillion lawyers out there.

Ok... Ok, I'll meet with her.

Ok?

Ok. Thank you.

Arnie, staff meeting.

- I'm setting it up.
- Ok.

Abby, well, uh, nice to see you.

- Nice to see you, too.
- I have a referral for you...

A fellow who's done
some plumbing work for me.

- Expect his call.
- Thank you, douglas.

- How's it going, counselor?
- Great.

- You stealing files here?
- Nice suit.

Abby.

Benny, hi, how are you?

Good.

Me, too.

You, uh, need me
to help move stuff?

No, I think I'm fine.

I can come on
saturday or sunday,

Any time you like.

Thank you.

You're a real friend, benny.

So are you.

I got to go.

You take care.

Abby?

Abby.

I-i... I miss you all the time.

I miss you, too, benny.

What I am suggesting
one and all,

Is that the very people who insisted
that the installation of a fax machine

Would slice
messenger bills in half

Are the ones who have
failed to make good use of it.

Can we get on with it?

coyle vs. Terra
nova instruments.


Ready for trial.

That's the wrongful death suit
where the guy fell off the mountain?

- Yeah.
- Splatt.

Exactly where's
the liability here?

I mean, the guy goes out, for a
social outing, he falls down. So what?

The liability is the
company coercion.

Rock climbing with
the boss is practically

A required activity if
you want to be promoted.

Is anybody else hot in
here? It's like an oven.

You want to swap? I'm
right here by the ac?

No, I'll get some air. Thanks.

Excuse me.

Returning our
attention to the trial,

Jonathan, we're a little
concerned about you flying solo

- Here on such a
potentially big matter.
- I can handle it.

Just the same, victor,

We'd like you to sit second chair
to provide whatever back up may be...

- Me?
- What?

- This is nothing
against you, jonathan.
- It most certainly is.

- You're saying
you don't trust me.
- No, it's not that at all.

It's just that you're a second year
attorney without much trial experience.

- And we feel we owe
it to the client.
- It's my case.

She's my client and she is perfectly
comfortable with me handling it alone.

Plus which, my schedule
for this week is jammed.

Ann and michael can help
out on your schedule.

Leland.

The decision has been made.

And I think it stinks.

Where are you going?

I suddenly have a
trial to prepare for.

Look, the quality of your
decision aside, your timing is great.

That kid's probably got his
biggest trial of his life coming up

And your undercut his confidence
an hour before kickoff? Very prudent.

Well, leland, you certainly
handled that beautifully.

Stuart, I want you
to call the doctor.

Just let me get my bearings,

And then I'll be all right.

I don't care how many sperm this
drug is supposed to be building.

If it's blurring your
vision, it can't be ok.

I was just sitting there. All of a sudden,
this flush starts on my whole body.

I want you off the drug now.

I'll call the doctor.

Promise?

I said I'll call the doctor.

Hi, benny.

- Michael, you have
a call - who is it?

Grace van owen.

Tell her I'm in a meeting.

- Mrs. Perkins?
- Whitey holland.

- Mr. Brackman referred me.
- Of course. Come on in.

Excuse the hand. I just came
from a job. It's a real pleasure.

The pleasure's mutual,
mr. Holland. Please, sit down.

I'm hoping you're gonna
take a big load off my mind

- With this court deal.
- Well, we'll do our best.

Now, why don't you tell
me exactly where you stand.

This customer of mine, it
was a rehab on a health spa...

One of those jobs that's a
four-legged bitch from beginning to end.

Rubber checks, lots of promises.

Finally, I told him, "you get nothing
more from me until I see the dough."

They got somebody
else to finish the job.

I'm out about $ , in labor.

I figure fine, I'm rid of 'em.

Until I'm sued.

Do you have the
papers they served?

I just rushed over.

Don't worry you
can send them over.

I'm supposed to be
in court tomorrow.

- Tomorrow?
- I know. It's hopeless.

It's too late,
you can't help me.

No, no, no, no.

Um, what I'll do is tomorrow
I can get a continuance.

Which shouldn't be a
problem then we can sit down

And sift through this
in a little more detail.

That would be great.

Now, I'll need a retainer
from you of $ , .

Yeah, sure. Fine.

Geez, I hope you'll
take a check.

Yeah.

Was your husband looking
forward to making this excursion?

Terry was dreading the trip.

He had never been
rock climbing in his life.

- Why did he go?
- Because mr. Osteen
invited him.

And if you ever want to get
a promotion at terra nova,

You go rock climbing with
the president of the company

If he asks you to.

- Objection. Conclusory.
- Sustained.

Mrs. Coyle, did you ever try to dissuade
your husband from making this trip?

Repeatedly. He was
pounds overweight.

He never exercised,
it was crazy,

But he felt he'd never
get ahead if he didn't go.

And he said he owed
it to me and the kids.

Ma'am, this may be
somewhat upsetting for you,

But I'd like you to take a look
at a photograph of your husband

Taken by the kern
county medical examiner.

Objection! This hasn't been
marked or authenticated.

I'm having her authenticate it.

Oh, my god. Is this terry?

She has no foundation to
authenticate it and you know it.

Is this terry?

This is totally inflammatory.

Oh, my god! Is it terry?

It is not inflammatory,
it's relevant to show

The brutal, violent death
suffered by her husband.

This is a cheap stunt, your
honor. He sprung this photo

On his own witness just
to manipulate the jury.

- I object to that.
- How can you show him
like this?

- Please, ma'am.
- How could you do this to me?

- Look at him!
- Mrs. Coyle.

Just look at him.

Your honor, I know
it's not my role

To look out for
mr. Rollins' client,

But I feel we should
allow mrs. Coyle

A short recess
to collect herself.

- Uh, unless
mr. Rollins objects?
- Minutes.

I worked for terra nova
instruments from august of

Until february of .

Were you familiar with the
term "pay your dues on the rock?"

I was.

And what did it refer to?

The head of the
company, peter osteen,

Was this avid,
fanatical rock climber,

And an invitation to
go climbing with him

Was taken to be the equivalent

Of getting rushed
by a fraternity.

You know, we think we want you,
but we'd like to take a closer look.

Mr. Noyes, were you
ever invited on a climb?

Yes, I was. October of ' .

- Did you go?
- Yes, I did.

It was yosemite.

I got to the foot of what
they were calling a rock.

And there's this guy way
up there... Flat against it.

And he looks like one
of those stuffed cats

You see suctioned
to a car window.

Well, nothing short of a cattle
prod was gonna get me up there.

So, I thanked them
for the opportunity

To come to terms with my
mortality and I went home.

And what consequence, if any,
did you suffer by refusing to climb?

Well, I never got that
promotion I was in line for.

And, in fact, I was demoted.

And in february
of , I resigned.

Thank you, mr. Noyes.

I have no more questions.

Mr. Noyes,

You lost a major sales account
days before your demotion, didn't you?

Well, you win and lose
accounts all the time.

Yes, but this was fullerton
hospital, your biggest account, right?

Yes.

Do you make room
for the possibility, sir,

That your demotion
might have had something

To do with your costing
terra nova over $ ,

- In lost revenues?
- That wasn't it.

Look, everybody knows

You're expected to
do the rock climb.

Terry coyle probably
felt like he had to do it.

Had you ever met
terry coyle, sir?

No, not personally,
but at terra nova...

So you didn't really know what
mr. Coyle thought or knew, did you?

I didn't have personal
knowledge, no.

- And were you there
the day of this tragedy?
- No, I was not.

So, you didn't have an opportunity
to see or know anything, did you?

I didn't see it,

But mr. Rollins
showed me the pictures.

Yes, he's very helpful that way.

Thank you.

Nothing further.

Case number , mount
olympus house of tone


vs. Nathaniel holland.

- Plaintiff's ready for trial.
- Abigail perkins for
the defendant.

I've just been retained, your
honor, I'll be seeking a continuance.

- What, again?
- I'm sorry?

This is his third trial
date he's shown up for

With a new lawyer.
Looking for a continuance.

Your honor, my previous
counsel was not competent

As guaranteed to me
by the sixth amendment

Of the constitution
of the united states.

Forget it, you're not
gonna delay this anymore.

Not with new lawyers, not
with constitutional amendments.

- Your honor, I've never
even seen the papers.
- Look, it's a simple case.

We'll put the plaintiff
on today and then

I'll give you a day to
prepare your defense.

- Call your first witness.
- Plaintiff calls leonard
mosher, jr. To the stand.

The only reason I hired him,
the only reason was he promised

To finish by memorial
day weekend,

My grand opening.

Mr. Mosher, could you tell us,

Did he finish the plumbing
work by that date, sir?

Ha!

Move to strike. Nonresponsive.

Answer the question, sir.

The mornin' of my grand opening,

I got people in the lobby,

And he's still
whacking on the pipes.

People in tuxedos waiting to
see a full-service health club,

Restaurant, juice bar.

Were you able to
open the club, sir?

Finally, about noontime,
he says it's finished.

I didn't have no
inspection or nothin'.

But, hell, I got potential
customers here.

So you did open?

Took 'em on a tour.

Weight room, lifecycle,
everything's looking smart

Till we get to the
shower facility.

I especially wanted
them to see that

Because I had
gold-flecks put in the tiles.

Your honor, this is narrative.

Just tell us what
happened, mr. Mosher.

This lady, nice lady in a cream colored
dress decides to test the shower.

She turns on the nozzle,
and out comes this crap.

What do you mean by crap, sir?

I mean crap, like
in bowel movement.

The man hooked the
sewer line to my plumbing!

- You're sure?
- The water was brown,
and some of it was chunky.

- Your honor.
- And he tells me it just
needs more chlorine.

- Hearsay.
- Can I tell him about the bar?

- What was wrong with the bar?
- Oh, man.

First guy up orders a
dewars with a splash.

You should have
seen that splash.

Okay, I get the picture.

Things was floating
around in the jacuzzi.

All right mr. Mosher!

Arnie becker is a
publicist's dream.

Well, he certainly loves you.

No, I have not slept with
him if that's what you mean.

Now, I understand... I think I
understand how it works with actors.

But how do you
publicize a lawyer

Without making it, you know...

- Sleazy.
- Yeah.

Okay. First of all what I like to
do with our non-celebrity clients

Is position them in
their field of expertise.

Like... I'll get this... Like
my goal for arnie becker

Is to have every rolodex and
every newspaper and tv station in l.a.

With his name in
it under "divorce."

The legislature passes a law
concerning community property...

Reporters call arnie
for a thoughtful reaction.

This has gotta be
great for business.

Or I place him as
a guest lecturer

At an aba family law symposium.

Then I orchestrate some
quality press coverage.

The publicist's hand,
moi, is totally unseen.

People read the paper and figure that
arnie becker is the expert, which he is.

But even assuming
I could afford you,

I'm not an arnie becker.

I'm a beginning
general practitioner.

Oh, who happens to be young,
attractive, sexy as hell, photogenic,

Single?

Single mom.

Me, too.

So what would be so
wrong with promoting you

- As a, say a legal consumer
advocate for a local tv station?
- Nothing.

Or a legal advice column in a
magazine like ladies' home journal.

- That wouldn't be
to shabby, would it?
- I'd love it.

Legal rights for single
mothers something like that.

What do you normally
charge for your services?

Normally, two a month.

- ?
- , .

But, if I can't generate at
least that much income for you

Within the first month, than I am
not doing my job and you can me.

Arnie's right. You are great.

Thanks.

Abby, I like you, too,

And I think I can make
things happen for you.

- I can't afford you.
- Don't worry about that now.

Let's worry about a hook, one case
with an angle that we can exploit.

I'm not exactly attracting
any glamorous stuff yet,

Unless you think you can
do something with sewage.

That has a certain raw appeal.

You might have to wait
six months, maybe a year,

But that case is gonna come
along and when it does, watch out.

- Deal?
- Deal.

So you saw nothing
wrong with sending a novice

Such as mr. Coyle up that rock.

No, he was perfectly
capable of making the climb.

He had already
made it to the top

It was... He was coming
down when it happened.

And what exactly happened,
as you saw it, mr. Osteen?

Well, we were, uh,
we were rappelling,

And, uh, terry was
leaning too far out.

He tipped over upside down.

I started down for him as
soon as I saw he was in trouble.

He was swinging back and forth

And I just kept screaming
at him just to hold on,

But he panicked,

And he started pulling
the rope off his chest.

And what happened then, sir?

Well, he fell.

I tried to get to him,
but he just panicked.

Mr. Osteen, you've
heard testimony

That your employees
felt pressured

Into doing this climb.

I... I can't believe
that's true.

Everybody knew that this was a
social thing. It was purely social.

And did you ever, sir,
directly or indirectly suggest

That doing these rock climbs
could promote job security?

No. Absolutely not.

Thank you, sir. I
have nothing further.

According to an
interview you gave

To recreational climber
magazine four years ago,

And I quote, "a mountain
takes a measure of a man.

"It's a better
judge of character

Than any executive
search committee."

I said that.

I was speaking of myself
and what rock climbing...

You were using
those climbs to judge

Your executives
characters, weren't you?

No. It was social, it was fun.

Fun. How much fun
were you having

While he was dangling
upside down from that rope?

- Objection!
- Was it fun watching
him plummet to his death?

- Objection!
- Mr. Rollins!

I tried to save him.

- You helped to k*ll him!
- Mr. Rollins!

Your honor?

I'd like to have a few seconds
to confer with counsel, please.

Make it fast.

- Ease up.
- What the hell are you doing?

Jonathan, the jury is
looking at you like a monster.

Just dial it back, okay?

Yeah, ok, ok.

I'm sorry if I upset
you, sir. But isn't it true

Had you not pressured terry coyle into
making that climb, he'd be alive today?

That's argumentative and cruel!

- Cruel?
- Your honor,

We all know how
horrible this tragedy was.

He needn't exacerbate like this by
punishing and bullying everybody.

I object to that self-serving
att*ck and I take personal offense...

Both of you, that's enough!

I'm sorry, your honor.

And mr. Rollins,

I'm so sorry if I've
hurt your feelings.

Yeah, sure, I'll check. Hang on.

Michael?

It's grace.

- I'm in a meeting.
- Still?

Still. Good night, elizabeth.

Good night, michael.

How did the
blaustein's audit go?

Lousy.

How do you feel?

- Lousy.
- Still?

I thought once you stopped taking
the drug, the symptoms would disappear.

Oh, yeah, they did. Right along with my
last chance of getting you pregnant.

Stuart, this is not an
impossible situation.

Ann, the normal
average sperm count

Is million, give or take.

I got a lousy million.

Million sounds
like a lot to me.

Yeah, well, it's not,

Except if they're all
little matt biondis.

Sperm olympics, I like it.

That's great. I can't even
make the qualifying heat.

Hey, all it takes is
one cute little sperm

- In a speedo suit and goggles.
- Ann, it's not funny.

We didn't have much of
a chance with the drug.

Without it...

I just feel like such
a g*dd*mn wimp.

Stuart, you are not a wimp.

- And we're not without
other options.
- A sperm bank.

Hey, I'm not crazy about the idea,
but it's something to think about.

You want to tell your kid he
wasn't conceived, he was defrosted?

Listen to me.

According to the doctor,

There's still some
things we can do...

Techniques we can use,

Times of the month when
our chances increase.

Think quality of sperm,
stuart, not quantity.

- Lock the door?
- Uh-uh. I'm not doing it

All over maury
blaustein's audit.

I want dinner.

I want candlelight.

I want dancing.

And then maybe...
Ba-boom-ba-boom.

Ba-boom-ba-boom!

Or if you prefer,
ba-bing-ba-bing.

I love you.

Remember, stuart... Think sperm.

And as mr. Coyle's supervisor,
mr. Swayze, would you tell the court

Whether this rock
climbing expedition

Was a function
of his employment?

It definitely was not.

Was it even remotely connected
to career advancement?

Look, a lot of people think, "hey, it
can't hurt to go hiking with the boss."

But was it policy?

Was it quid pro quo for
promotion? The answer's no.

Thank you, sir. Nothing further.

- How much are you paid
by terra nova?
- Objection!

There's no relevancy
to mr. Swayze's...

The relevancy is this man gets
paid a fat salary by the defendant.

A salary he doesn't want
to jeopardize right now.

I'll allow it.

How much were you
paid by mr. Osteen, sir?

Terra nova pays
me $ , a year.

And you would lie to protect
that grand, wouldn't you?

- Objection!
- I'm not lying.

You're lying to save
your job aren't you?

- Your honor!
- I object to this interruption.

How many noses does
he have to bloody!

Ms. Stritch!

I am sorry, your honor.

But it is difficult
for me to keep quiet

- While he continually
victimizes innocent witnesses.
- Hey!

I said that's enough!
Now sit down!

And, mr. Rollins, she's
right. Stop the badgering.

They badgered terry coyle
into going up that rock.

- Objection!
- Mr. Rollins!

I have nothing further.

You re-direct ms...

Excuse me, judge. I've
got a couple of questions

- For the witness.
- It better be brief.

What do you think
you are you doing?

Sit down. Good
afternoon, mr. Swayze.

I'm victor sifuentes,
co-counsel with mr. Rollins.

I just have a couple of questions
and then we can let you go.

If I can begin, how many vice
presidents are there at terra nova, sir?

- Besides me, there are seven.
- And of those seven,

How many have gone rock climbing
just prior to their promotions?

I wouldn't know.

Well, if I tell you, sir, that
through our pre-trial discovery

We have determined
that number to be seven,

- Would that surprise you?
- Nothing surprises me.

Really? So when I tell you that
nobody who's refused to go rock climbing

Has ever gone on to
make vice president,

- That wouldn't surprise you.
- It's just a coincidence.

Coincidence.

If people don't like rock
climbing, they don't have to go.

I see. Are you a rock
climbing fan, mr. Swayze?

- Not wild about it.
- But you've done it.

- Once.
- When was that, sir?

When mr. Osteen invited me.

And were you up for the vice
presidency at that time, mr. Swayze?

I believe I was.

And three weeks after that,

You, in fact, were
made vice president.

- Correct, mr. Swayze?
- That would be correct.

Thank you, sir. Nothing further.

You left out key
evidence. I had to get in.

- I could have gotten it in.
- You lost your focus, jonathan.

You had no right to
humiliated me like that.

How the hell they gonna
let you jumping in as soon...

Jumping... I jumped
in to save you.

Fuentes, this is my case.

It was your case.
I'm taking over.

You are like hell!

Come on, jonathan.

Nobody makes a fool
of me like this, not you...

Go ahead! You want to take a sh*t
at me now? You wanna b*at me up?

You've got a client out
there with no husband,

Who's about to lose a lawsuit and
any chance to salvage a life for her kids,

And you're in here crying
because your ego's bruised.

You listen to me, my closing
argument's all prepared.

- I'm the best man to get...
- That jury hates you, jonathan.

They don't want to even look
at you much less listen to you.

Now, I didn't want in
on this case, but I am in.

And I've got to do what's
best for the client.

That means me
taking over right now.

You don't like it, talk
to mckenzie or quit.

It was dark, I mistook the
waste line for the main.

And what percentage of
your work had you completed?

All of it. I did everything,
except for that one mistake,

Which I never would have made if he
hadn't been breathing down my back

- Putting all
that pressure on me.
- All right.

I think I've heard the stories
here and I'm going to rule.

Uh, before you do, judge,
let me simply remind the court

Of the substantial
loss of business

Suffered by my client as a
result of that putrid raw sewage

Pulsating through
mr. Mosher's pipes.

I'd also like to remind the court that
mr. Mosher failed to have any permits

On the day of his grand opening.

That's because of your guy.

The building inspection is
independent of plumbing, your honor,

And the fact is that
mr. Mosher had no right

To open that club
on the day in question.

She's right, mr. Sylvia.

All right. I'm finding
for the plaintiff,

But I'm denying all
consequential damages.

Mr. Holland will pay
the cost of repair

Of $ , , plus
court costs of $ .

We're adjourned.

- We've got to appeal. I've been screwed.
- We're not appealing.

That judge was bought!
We can sue him for bribery!

Whitey, we are
not suing the judge.

The case is over and
so is our relationship.

What do you mean? You
weren't straight with me.

You didn't tell me about the other
lawyers and the continuances.

You didn't even tell me the true
facts. Plus, your check bounced today.

That's the bank harassing me.
I'm bringing a case against them.

- Whitey.
- Miss perkins,
don't abandon me.

Look, I will file the necessary paperwork
to help you get substitute counsel.

After that, whitey,
you are on your own.

Please, I'm begging you!

I know I got a mess of
problems, but I need you!

I'm begging you,
miss perkins, please!

I been thinkin',
strategically, it's probably

Not a good idea for
me to do the closing.

It would send out a
message to the jury

That I don't trust you
or your arguments.

Well, I think I'd be doing
more harm than good.

So I think you should close.

Try not to make me regret it.

Hey, victor, how's
the trial going?

Everything's under
control, leland.

Good, glad to hear it.

Why haven't you
returned any of my calls?

I've been busy.

Busy, hell.

A deadbeat client
gets better treatment.

My deadbeat clients don't
lecture me on judicial ethics

Every opportunity they get.

Is that what this is all about?

Not entirely, no.

I don't know what's going on.

The last two weeks,

You have been cold and distant.

I'm not getting love from you
anymore, I'm getting lectures.

I just don't know what's happening
with us. Are you seeing someone else?

No.

No.

Well, then, I don't understand.

Do you remember the torrey case?

The double cop k*lling?

Yeah.

Our key witness was
a police informant.

His testimony should
have been suppressed.

I let it slide.

You know, I'd always thought
that there was a special hell

For attorneys and judges...

With flexible ethics...

The ones who could
conveniently forget a little law

Because they know
the guy is guilty,

And they want him
off the streets.

I could never understand
how they sleep nights.

And suddenly... I'm one of them.

How could I tell
you that, michael?

Gracie...

You can't do
anything about it now.

It's over. The guy
k*lled two cops.

He's been put away.

You file it under "lessons
learned", and you go on.

But it bleeds into
the rest of my life.

I cannot forgive myself.

What do you want you
do? You want to go public?

You know... If I do,

It is not just my career on
the block. It is bruce rogoff's.

It is how the whole
department will look.

It is putting a cop k*ller
back on the streets.

Where's the good in that?

I don't know the answer, grace.

But I do know that it helps

To sometimes realize
that you're not alone.

You're not the only one out there
who falls short of the mark sometimes.

Oh, grace...

You'll figure this
one out, gracie.

You'll do the right thing.

I don't know. I just don't know.

- You got a second?
- Sure.

Guess what.

I just talked for half
an hour with arnie becker.

And he gave me a
complete overview

Of the whole world
of adoption out there.

And he said, given our personal
timetable and everything,

Private adoption would
absolutely be our best sh*t.

And he gave me the name of
a lawyer that we can talk to.

You talked to arnie about this?

Yeah, well, he's our
family law expert.

- Who else am I going
to talk to?
- Me, stuart. Me.

Honey, it's just that he
knows the field, that's all.

And now he knows all about our little
pregnancy dilemma, too, doesn't he?

Yeah, and I'm the one with the
low-density sperm. What's your problem?

You keep making unilateral decisions
about stuff that affects us both, stuart.

that is my problem.

Wait a minute, wait a
minute, I don't get it.

Do you want to
have a baby or not?

- I don't know.
- What?

You're the one who was talking
about exploring all the options.

Now all of a sudden
you don't know?

I'm years old.
I love my work.

I'm not sure I'm ready to put it
on the back burner indefinitely.

- Why would you have to put
it on the back burner?
- Oh, please...

You're not the one that's gonna stay
home when the kid has an ear infection.

At least be honest about that.

How can you take
something so simple,

The most natural thing in
the world and ball it up into...

You keep trying to
reduce it to simple terms.

I want to have a baby,
ann! What about you?

I'll be damned if I'm
gonna let you railroad me

- Into caving in on something
so important, stuart.
- Fine.

It takes two. You keep
forgetting that, stuart.

You could have
world-class olympic sperm,

It still takes two.

Well, that's great, ann.

Why don't you say
it a little louder.

Some of the partners still
have their doors closed.

- Ow!
- Ooh!

Benny!

Are you ok?

I guess.

Did I hear my : ?

We'll hear from the plaintiff.

Um...

To be perfectly honest,

I'm a little scared right now.

Not just because this is the first
closing argument I've ever given,

But more because I'm
afraid my very first big trial

Might amount to nothing
more than a showcase

Of my own inexperience.

If, where I tried
to be assertive,

I was belligerent,

If, where I tried
to be self-assured,

I was arrogant,
then I apologize.

I can only hope for
maura coyle's sake,

That the maturity
I so badly lacked

Exists within the
people on this jury,

The maturity that will allow you

To rise above the
personalities and petulance.

The maturity that will allow you

To focus on the
facts of this case,

Because however much
contempt you may harbor for me,

On the facts, maura
coyle cannot lose.

Terra nova, through
peter osteen, its president,

Sent out the message that in order to climb
the ladder, you got to climb the rock.

That's coercion,
negligent coercion.

And because of it,

This woman's husband fell
feet to his brutal death.

"The mountain...
"Takes a measure...

Of a man," peter osteen said.

That rock didn't measure
terry coyle's life,

Ladies and gentlemen.

That job is totally up to you.

And for this grieving widow,

I place now into your hands
both her hope and her trust.

Her hope that you will
measure her husband's life

More dearly than did
peter osteen or terra nova

Or some big rock in
the middle of a desert.

And her trust that
you won't factor in

The likability of her
attorney into the equation.

Make sure this goes straight
to his office, not the mailroom.

- Okay.
- Then take lunch.

You want me to
get you something?

No, I got a sandwich. Thanks.

I should be back about : .

- Excuse me.
- Mr. Holland?

I got to apologize to you.

Come on in.

I just don't want
you thinkin' that

I'm a guy who does that
kind of stuff to customers.

You ask my pal mr. Brackman.

He'll tell you what
kind of work I do.

It's ok, mr. Holland. You
don't have to apologize.

Good.

Now, what's it going it take
to get our train back on track?

I'm sorry.

I can't keep you as a client.

I can't afford to.

I'll pay, I'll pay.

I can give you
tonight, by monday.

I'll copper pipe your house.

It'll last a hundred years.

Please, listen.

I have bills to pay
just like you do.

I'm being squeezed
just like you are.

Don't do this to me.
I'm a drowning man.

And maybe more important, I was
not able to represent you well

Because you were not candid
with me about your situation.

Come on, I was afraid
you wouldn't take me.

I'll be straight with
ya, I promise. %

No.

Look, I won't resubmit
the check that bounced.

We'll say goodbye.
We'll call it even, ok?

Don't play with me!

What is it with you?

Let go of me.

That kind of behavior won't get
you anywhere with me, mr. Holland.

Now I suggest you leave before
you get into bigger trouble.

Hazel, it's abby.

Yeah, um...

Eric has soccer today. I
forgot completely... Good.

Yeah, if you could pick
him up. Yeah, that'd be great.

- [Glass breaking]
- [yelling]

I'm gonna k*ll you!

Playing games?

- Get back!
- Don't say no to me!

Aah! Aah!

[Indistinct chatter]

- Here.
- What?

- Your mouth is bleeding.
- Oh. I bit my lip.

[Sniffles] I don't know when.

Well...

According to your
statement to the officer,

You were on the
phone when he came in.

Yeah. I didn't want to
frighten the babysitter,

So I hung up

And reached into
my purse for my g*n.

No, I think you probably
reached into your desk drawer.

No, it was in my purse.

- Abby!
- Hi, mike.

- Are you ok?
- Yeah, I was
a little wobbly before.

I got a little wobbly
when you called, too.

I hope I didn't
sound too strange.

When I called the babysitter to
tell her to keep eric for tonight,

I know that she knew
something was wrong.

I'll check with her
later, all right?

I'm michael kuzak, I'm
ms. Perkins' attorney.

Lieutenant ringstrom.

You've been questioning her?

She was filling me
in on what happened.

She's been read
her rights I hope?

She's not a suspect.

Well, you can see that she's
in absolutely no condition...

Mike, I already talked
to another officer.

Just let me finish.

Go ahead, lieutenant.

Now, you pulled your g*n

Out of the desk drawer.

No, no, I'm sure that
it was in my purse.

Uh-uh. Desk drawer.

So, you purchased that
g*n for the lawful purpose

Of protecting
yourself in this office,

Not for the dangerous
and unlawful purpose

Of carrying a concealed
w*apon without a permit.

Oh.

Are we all right
here, counselor?

Yeah, fine.

Anyway, I didn't
mean to interrupt.

Um... I reached...
Into my desk drawer,

And I pulled out my g*n,

But he kept coming,
and so I sh*t him.

I think I sh*t him
more than once,

But I don't know.

You sh*t him five times.

Oh.

Uh, look... I sh*t a guy once.

I had the whole thing...

Flashbacks, night
sweats, the denial.

When it gets hard to handle,

Give me a call, ok?

Ok.

We're dead.

All rise.

Be seated.

Ladies and
gentlemen of the jury,

- Have you reached a verdict?
- We have, your honor.

"In the matter of coyle
vs. Terra nova instruments,


"We find in favor
of the plaintiff,

"And order the
defendant to pay damages

In the amount of $ , , ."

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
thank you for your time and service.

This court's adjourned.

Thank you.

I can't thank you enough.

Oh, thank you both
for everything.

Congratulations.

You, too.

Mr. Rollins... Congratulations.

A little humble pie
never hurt anyone, did it?

No, ma'am.

Don't you forget that, now.

[Tape rewinds]

hi, abby, it's
hazel. Eric's fine.


he can spend the
night here if you'd like.


just let me know. Bye-bye, dear.

abby, it's betsy major.

i just heard the news,

and I hope you're ok.

my god, what a world.

listen, the press is going
to be coming after you.


feel free to refer
them to me because...


i know this is gonna
sound tasteless as hell,


but this is it. This is your
chance to get in the game.


now, just off the
top of my head,


and all of it can
wait till morning.


i think we should
strongly consider


selling an exclusive
to one of the nationals.


god, it is a dream for them...

"pint-sized lawyer
plugs plumber."


"p*stol-packing abby
lays down the law."


"abby get your g*n."

and tv?

they are gonna eat
you up with a spoon.


kiddo, by the
time I get through,


you'll be the
hottest lawyer in l.a.


[Crying]
Post Reply