02x17 - Battling Bailiff

[bunniefuu]

SELMA: Hi.
BILLIE: Hey.

-Hey.
-Hi. Selma.

Anybody got change for a ?

-Yeah. I've got two fives and a .
-All right.

-There you go.
-Great. thanks.

Whoa. whoa. wait a minute.

Wasn't I supposed to
get something in return?

My undying gratitude.

Uh-uh.

Listen. I will pay you back
as soon as my ship comes in.

The ship that's been in dry dock
since your IRS audit?

I have got to get back in the black. Mac.

Don't you people understand
what's happening to me?

Every time I pass my bank now...

...I can hear the lnstateller machine
calling my name and laughing.

-So you need money for psychiatric help?
MAC: Heh-heh.

Harry. listen to this.

I have a chance to get in
on the ground floor of a condo conversion.

If I play my cards right. my
could turn into $ , by Christmas.

I'm only $ short of my goal.
I'll take anything. a buck. spare change.

-Loose fillings?
-That's the spirit.

Okay. fine.

-What rhymes with perpendicular?
-Why?

No. that's not it.

-No. Bull. I mean. why do you need one?
-I'm writing a poem.

-You?
-Sure. been doing it for years.

Well. let's hear one.

-No.
MAC: Oh. come on. Bull.

-Come on.
-Come on.

OkaY-

Page .

ICLEARS THROAT]

'”Forever Damp‘ by Bull Shannon."

Lethargically, he trudges down

[BULL MOUTHING WORDS]

To the shore of the big wet sea

[MAC STIFLING LAUGHTERI

Sensing their fate of impen--

--ding mud

His feet seem to cry, "Why me?"

-Where you going?
-Doughnut.

The slime rises to his ankle bones

His mind flies far away

IMUFFLED CHUCKLINGI

To the time he missed the boat of life

Hey, nonny, nonny neigh.

ISPITS. LAUGHING]

It was about me.

-That poor guy.
-Yeah.

I better go find him.

-It was the talking feet that did it.
-Yeah.

Think we've got trouble.

Look what I found in the trash.
Bull's notebook.

Oh. So the world will never hear
"At the Bai
iff's Jamboree."

-Let me see that.
-Mac. how could you be so insensitive?

-Why did you laugh?
-To prevent internal injuries.

-Bail reports.
-Thanks. Bull. Right on time.

And in perfect order.
Billie. look how neat that is.

Yeah. I didn't drool on it or anything.

Look. Bull. I'm sorry about
what happened in the cafeteria.

It doesn't bother me
that you laughed at my rhyme scheme.

You laughed at me.

Oh. come on. Bull. that isn't you.

You never missed the boat of life.
Besides. there is no boat of life.

It's called a metaphor. Harry.

A literary device used to illustrate...

...dissatisfaction with my current status
in the cosmos.

-Come again?
-My life is poo-poo.

Bull. we all feel like that
from time to time. right?

I mean. everyone wants more out of life.

It seems to me like you've got it already.
You're a judge. You stand for justice.

You're a public defender.
You stand for the underprivileged.

I'm a bailiff. I stand.

Kind of like cattle.

Are you feeling any better?

Moo.

-What have we got here?
-People v. Doris McKenzie. Your Honor.

The Santini brothers
are gonna take care of you.

They're gonna break
every bone in your body.

Please. lady. would you quit hassling me?

You're gonna get plenty
when the Santinis get revenge.

All right. settle down.

Is it warm in here or is it just me?

You're not alone.

Don't usually see something like that
without a yoke attached to it. do you?

ICHUCKLESI

I kid. ask anybody.

What's the story. Mr. Prosecutor?

The defendant. Mrs. Doris McKenzie.
was arrested at Madison Square Garden...

...when she stormed the ring
and assau
ted--

The Klondike Butcher.

Klondike here was engaged
in a professional wrestling match...

...when Mrs. McKenzie hit him
over the head with a chair.

-She almost k*lled him with that thing.
-It hurt like the dickens.

Jack Delman. Your Honor. Promoter.

And I think this crazy broad
should be put away.

Look at how she scratched up his face.

-It hurt. Jack.
-I know. baby. I know.

Why don't you try to do to me what you did
to Little Caesar at the Spectrum?

-You cheap-sh*t artist.
-That's enough. Mrs. McKenzie.

No. it isn't. This is for Caesar. beef lips.

All right. lady. that's enough.
Leave the poor guy alone.

You're squishing my kidney.

Oh. I'm sorry.

lS
GHS]

-Now you behave yourself.
-Muck face.

Cut the muck slinging. Mrs. McKenzie.

That will be -day suspended sentence
and a $ fine.

Selma.

Come on. honey.

Hey. haven't I seen you at the Garden?

Yeah. I b*at Tunney in . Come on.

-Anything else. Mac?
-That's it for tonight. sir.

Then that's a wrap.
See you tomorrow. people.

Go freshen up
and I'll meet you downstairs. okay?

-Okay.
-Attaboy.

ICLEARS THROAT]

Excuse me.
Can I talk to you for a minute?

About what?

You know. nobody but nobody
has ever had the Butcher off his feet before.

-Hey. if I hurt him. I'm sorry.
-Hurt him?

[LAUGHS]

Ahem. Listen...

...have you ever thought
of wrestling professionally?

No.

Ho. No? You're perfect.

You're big. you're tall. you're ugly.

Good Lord. man.
use the gifts that God gave you.

I'll think about it.

Think about it hard and call me.

Stars make $ , a night.

And you...

...are a star.

ISNAPS FINGERS]

-What did he want?
-He thinks I'd make a great wrestler.

-Oh....
-Ha-ha-ha.

You. a wrestler?

That's the craziest thing I have ever heard.
Ha-ha-ha.

I'm starting to like the idea.

That's what I meant.
it's crazy but I like it.

Bull. I know you're a little upset
about this poem thing. but--

He said I could make $ , a night.

Ten thousand dollars?

Ten thousand American dollars?

Well, Bull, you're not serious about this?

You know, you people always assume
you know what's best for me.

Well, I'll tell you something, you don't.

Maybe it's time to shake up my life.

Bull, you don't just become
a wrestler overnight.

It takes a lot of time and training.

If you decide to take up wrestling,
you're gonna have to quit your job here.

Now, I want you to take some time
and really think about this.

OkaY-

I quit.

Oh. He's not serious.

Well, I mean, he'll cool down
and then he'll change his mind.

I hope he's wearing boxer shorts.

[WOMAN SCREAMSI

Briefs.

This is ridiculous.

Bail reports don't just vanish into thin air.

Bull has been gone a week and this place
has already turned upside down.

Yeah, and it doesn't just stop
with the paperwork.

It's open season on us in the courtroom.

Well, word's out on the street Bull's gone.

Somebody's gotta keep order
around here.

Well, that's Dirk's job.

Hi. everybody.

ALL [IN RESIGNED VOICE]:
Hi. Dirk.

-Bail reports.
-We thought they were lost.

Sorry. there was a holdup
at the Xerox machine.

-Something get jammed?
-No, a real holdup.

-And you got involved?
-You bet.

Gave him my wallet.

Oh, there you are.

-Parole forms.
DIRK: Thank you, Selma.

I'll be in the court.

Fill the room with your presence.

Bye.

ALL:
Bye, Dirk.

-Boo.
DIRK: Aah!

[LAUGHS]

What a mealy worm, huh?

[DAN CHUCKLINGI

-You sure seem chipper.
-Why shouldn't I be?

Just this afternoon,
I found a benevolent and wise man...

...who had the vision
to loan me the final $ .

-What did you hock?
-My mother's wedding ring.

-Dan!
DAN: Ha-ha-ha.

I'm just kidding.
It was just her engagement ring.

So why all the long faces?

-We miss Bull.
HARRY: Yeah.

Nobody to carry the heavy files.

Or walk us to our car at night.

Hey. wait a minute.
Listen to the way we're talking.

All we care about is how this affects us.

We're supposed to be his friends.
Let's back him up.

I mean, maybe he's made
the right decision.

That's a lot of buffalo chips.

No, Selma, I think Harry's right.

We've gotta support Bull.
We can't let him know how we feel.

I will not participate in this charade.

The man is making a fool of himself.
Somebody should tell him.

All you have to do is have the guts
to stand up to him and say, "Bu ...."

I'm behind you all the way.
you big Greco-Roman nut, you. Heh-heh.

Thanks.

I knew you'd come crawling back here
where you belong.

-I just came back to clean out my locker.
-You should clean out your head.

-You know--
-Hey. Bull, good to see you.

You too, sir.

So. Bull, I guess you've been at the gym
pumping things, huh?

Yeah, they keep us pretty busy.
I just came back from body-slam class.

Do they grade that pass-fail
or is it on a curve?

There's a few things
I would like to know--

-Yeah, like, when's your first match?
-Next week.

-I've got passes if you're interested.
-Interested, are you kidding?

-He wants to know if we're interested.
-Wouldn't miss it.

-Oh, boy.
MAC: Ha-ha.

Selma?

I'd rather eat linoleum.

What's with her?

-Well, she got some bad news.
-What?

Uh-- The Dodgers left Brooklyn.

Say, that is bad news.

Yeah, yeah.
Well, I gotta get back to work.

You go get them, tiger.

ICHUCKLESI

ISNORTINGI

Bull, Bull, Bull. Aah.

ICHUCKLESI

-Break a leg, big guy.
-We're supposed to.

ICHUCKLESI

So. uh...

...guess you're having
the time of your life, huh?

Yeah, going to Akron next month.

Wow. Be sure to hit that tire-tread museum.

[LAUGHING]

You don't think I'm doing
the wrong thing, do you, Harry?

Listen, as long as you're happy, Bull,
that's all that matters.

It's your big sh*t. You gotta take it.

Don't look back, we're behind you.

Do your own thing and-- And--

And stuff like that.

Well, I guess.
we'll see you next week, huh?

I know you won't let us down, big fella.

DIRK:
All rise, rise.

Criminal court, part two.
city of New York is now in session.

[MOUTHING]
Now in session.

-Honorable Harold T. Stone presiding.
-Honorable Harold T. Stone presiding.

[CROWD BOOINGI

[MAN GRUNTINGI

Mandinka. I am Mandinka.

I am king.

IMANDINKA GROWLSI

Do you realize that you came this close
to hitting me out there?

Gosh, Ed. I'm sorry.

-I'm really miffed, Alan.
-My mind wasn't on it.

I was thinking about that Donahue Show
I gotta do tomorrow.

He's ruthless.

Ed. Ed....

BILLIE: No, I don't want-- No--
-Just look at him.

When they dragged him out,
his face looked like a pizza.

Come on, come on, he's right over here.
Look at him, he's fine.

Hi. toots.

-Hey. you're not allowed in here.
-We've got passes.

-We're looking for Bull Shannon.
-Who?

He's a big guy. Kind of weird-looking.

All right, let's have your attention.

Gents and ladies, meet the next
wrestling champion of the world.

IWHININGI
Hey. you promised me I'd be champ next.

Don't get bitchy, Ed.

[NORMAL VOICE]
I'm sorry. I've been on the edge lately.

This new fabric softener
isn't working out at all.

All right, here he is.

Bull, the Battling Bailiff.

Ta-da.

Well? What do you think?

Spiffy, real spiffy.

It's the first time
I ever bought off the rack.

Bull, it's almost time.

Boy. is this great or is this great,
huh, Bull?

Center ring, , screaming fans.

This has to be the greatest night
of your life.

Where's Selma?

Oh, traffic out there is so bad and--

She's not coming, is she?

No, Bull, she isn't.

Bruiser, you're on.

-How do you feel?
-Like I'm gonna throw up.

lGAGS]

All the great ones do.

Bull...

...I believe it was the Apostle Paul
who said that:

"Faith is the substance
of things hoped for...

...the evidence of things not seen."

Now, go out there and rip his lips off.

MAC: Go get them, Bull.
-You can do it.

Whoo. Did you see that arena out there?

Twenty thousand drooling maniacs
at bucks a head.

-We're going to be rolling in it.
-We?

Yeah, I dumped that whole condo scam,
I put all of my money into Bull.

I'm his syndicate, percent off the top.

-Does he know that?
-No, Delman and I made a deal.

Look, what the hairless wonder
doesn't know can't hurt me.

-You wanna look at the carnage?
-Yeah.

-No, I am not going out there again.
-You can watch it right here on TV.

What? Great, great.

Keep an eye on my investment
without having to sit with the riffraff.

Ha. ha.

[CROWD CHEERING OVER TV]

Been playing with the knobs,
haven't you?

Look. Look, there he is.

Wow, they love him.

Crowd's going crazy.

ANNOUNCER [OVER TV]:
Ladies and gentlemen, here we go.

Introducing on my left,
weighing in at pounds...

...from Vatican City, the Choirboy.

[CROWD BOOINGI

[H
SS
NGl

Excuse me, they're booing a choirboy?

They hate his guts.
He stabs guys with his candles.

And his opponent
in the opposite corner...

...tonight, making
his professional debut...

...weighing in at an even pounds,
the Battling Bailiff.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Boy. what a moment this is for Bull, huh?

They love him. I'm getting chills.

-I'm getting nauseous.
-I'm getting rich.

Come on, I told you it's all an act.

There's nothing to it. It's all fake.

See? This isn't real wood, it's fake.

[BELL RINGS OVER TV]

There's the bell and we're under way.

Come on, Bull. Come on.

-Pulverize him.
-Use your footwork.

He's not moving.

[CROWD YELLING, BOOING OVER TV]

Come on, Bull. Do something.

The Battling Bailiff
has yet to come out of his corner.

-You're very calm about all this.
-It's all part of the act.

No, this isn't in the script.

Wait, wait, he's moving.

I told you, it's a sure thing.
The only way I can lose is if he left the ring.

He's leaving the ring.

Bull, what are you doing?

I could have b*rned the money.
It would have been quicker.

It's that kind of performance
that gives this game a bad name.



It wasn't fulfilling.

It wasn't fulfilling? Ha-ha-ha.

It wasn't fulfilling. It wasn't anything!

We don't want any v*olence
in here, do we?

Go ahead, k*ll me. I don't care.

Come, take me, Mr. Death.

I felt like an ass out there.

But, Bull, you were so excited
about wrestling.

You were the one who was excited.

I came back to the courthouse
hoping you'd ask me back.

Instead you gave me a pat on the back
and sent me on my way.

-I thought it was what you wanted.
-Heck, Harry.

I made a stupid rash decision
and you backed me up into a corner...

...in front of , people...

...dressed like this.

What you're saying is that we....

-That I made you feel--
-If I didn't wrestle, I'd be letting you down.

I'm sorry, Bull.

-Nobody tried to stop me.
SELMA: I tried.

But I was outmuscled.

-Selma, you came.
-Oh, I wouldn't miss it.

v*olence, stale beers, sweat.
Reminds me of my prom.

-I looked pretty stupid out there, didn't I?
-Yes.

But it took a lot of guts.

You know, while I was out in the ring.
I started thinking about things.

The old courthouse,
the food in the cafeteria.

The Ping-Pong tournaments
in the guards' lounge.

The way the air conditioning hits me
in the summer if I stand in the right place.

And I thought.
"Hey. I really miss those things."

-What about us?
-Yeah.

I miss you guys most of all.

There's no place like home.

And starring Dan Fielding
as the scarecrow.

Promise if I ever do anything stupid
like this again, give me a good smack.

I promise.

Come on, let's all go out
and get some dinner.

BULL: Heh-heh.
-Bull, aren't you gonna change?

-We're not going anyplace fancy, are we?
-No.

[READING SILENTLYI

-Thank you.
-My pleasure.