03x03 - Dad's First Date

[bunniefuu]

[CHATTERINGI

Guess who.

All right. you creep. hands off.

-Argh. Christine. he's snapping my neck.
-Bull. let him go.

It's my father.

Oh. sorry. It's the ' s. I've been edgy.

Daddy. are you all right?

I'm okay.

-What's his problem?
-Didn't you read?

They found him up north buried in the ice
along with that dinosaur that leveled Tokyo.

[LAUGHING]

Oh. now I remember. They're all nuts.

Hey. Mr. Sullivan. how you been?
Good to see you.

Harry Stone. Hi.

Especially that one.

-Sir. take a seat. Sorry.
-Yes. Dad.

Well. I don't have much time.
I'm just here meeting somebody.

Meeting who?

Uh. a woman. I have a date tonight.

-You got a date?
-Christine. please sit down.

Daddy. you got a date?

[LAUGHS]

Kids.

Oh. Daddy. I'm so happy for you.

Christina. please.

Yeah. don't waste good saliva
on a relative.

What is the reason
for this fiesta of affection here?

-Tell him.
-None of his business.

-It's his first date in eight years.
-I guess I was wrong.

Ah. don't worry about it.
We're the sensitive. understanding types.

-Yeah. I got your sensitivity right here.
-Daddy. don't be so touchy.

Sometimes you have to share
your personal life with other human beings.

You haven't been with a woman
in eight years?

You notice I use the term
"human beings."

Ha. ha. you haven't been
with a woman in eight years?

What is it to you?

Nothing.

Just remember how Dorothy
found the Tin Man.

Jack. there you are.

I get off about and I brought clothes
so you can just pick me up here. okay?

-Fine.
-Till then?

Yeah. right.

Daddy. she can't be
more than years old.

-Hmm.
-Uh. better ask the Wizard for two hearts.

If you make it to the Emerald City.
you're gonna need them.

This court finds the defendant guilty
of as*ault. three days suspended.

And. Mrs. Longo. remember...

...we all want Springsteen tickets
just as much as you do.

But next time.
wait in line like everyone else...

...don't try to break in with a lead cane.

Flo.

JACK:
Psst. psst.

Psst. psst. psst.

Uh. sir. if I could have just a minute?

It's a little early for a recess.

Psst. psst. psst.

But since we do have
a life-threatening emergency here.

-Ten minutes.
CHRISTINE: Thank you. sir.

Psst. psst....

Our dollars could have prevented
that tragedy.

Oh. Daddy.

-I forgot how.
-Give me this.

-Stand still.
-I can't. I'm nervous.

It's the first time I been out
since your mother d*ed.

Well. I think it's terrific.

It's about time
you started seeing someone.

Thank God your mother's not alive
to hear that.

Oh. daddy. stop feeling guilty.
You're just looking for companionship.

After all. it's been eight years.

I could have waited an even decade.

There.

Are you sure you wanna
wear a tux to dinner tonight?

Your mother always liked me in a tux.

You're not going out
with Mama tonight. Daddy.

What's that supposed to mean?

Go for the gold.

Oh. I get it.

-Daddy.
-I'm nervous.

-I know. I know. Just think "bicycle."
-What?

I know this sound silly. but going out with
a woman tonight is like riding a bicycle.

Once you learn how.
you never forget.

Oh. yeah.

-I guess you're right.
-Yeah.

Hello. Jack.

JACK:
Oh.

I just never had a -speed before.

May I say. you look absolutely lovely.

Well. thank you. And so do you.

Ooh. I love a man in a tux.

So did my dead wife.

You're gonna have oodles of fun.

[MAN CLEARS THROAT]

All rise.

Be seated.

I'm sorry. I'm late.

[CHRISTINE SIGHSI

Ready to go. sir.

-Everything all right. Miss Sullivan?
-No. sir. it's not.

It's my father.

You have to lace up his shoes
for him this morning? Ha. ha.

This isn't a laughing matter. Dan.

I called his landlady.
Dad didn't come home last night.

-Maybe he got sick.
-Maybe he got in an accident.

Maybe he got lucky.

Well. it was either me or Dan.
I figured you'd rather hear it from me.

Oh. come on. Miss Sullivan.
your dad's a big boy.

I'm sure he's fine.

Aren't you the one who was concerned
he wasn't getting enough companionship?

Sorry. sir.
It's just it never occurred to me...

...that there was really
a chance he might get....

Go ahead. I dare you.

Temporary lodgings.

I love it when you get wordy.

How about we get on
with the proceedings?

-Mac?
-Yeah.

Uh. first case. Your Honor.
People v. Everybody...

...in Grammercy Apartment Building
on rd and Madison.

What's the charge?

Indecent exposure.

lnvading people's privacy,
that's what's indecent.

Uh. Your Honor. all of these
are residents of what is. uh. termed...

...a "c|othing-optiona|" building.

-Oh. they're nudists.
-No.

That's an archaic term
that conjures up images...

...of airbrushed families
playing volleyball in the sun.

We...are naturalists.

We...are within our rights.

They...were in the buffski.

On the roof. in clear view
of six other buildings.

We were all just minding our own business
when the police helicopter landed.

Somebody tell me
the part about the helicopter?

I will. Your Honor.

-And you are?
-Angela.

Right.

You're with them?

-You don't wear....
-A thing.

Except when I'm playing tennis.

I mean. you have to use sneakers.

Otherwise. you get no suction.

Hose him down if you have to. Mac.

The building is a co-op...

...and the tenants have incorporated
as a clothing-optional dwelling.

Yeah. refresh my memory. counselor...

...what they do inside is their business...

...what they do outside is ours.

But the sun is outside.

Can you imagine what our air conditioning
bills would be like if it weren't?

Court finds the defendants
guilty as charged.

Fifty-dollar fine. suspended.
Just don't do it again. okay. people?

They found us guilty of nudity.

And in the naked city yet.

Talk about your irony.

-What do we got next. Mac?
-More sex. sir.

I sense a theme.

Yeah. we got some prostitution
and some soliciting of a prost*tute.

And as the prost*tute?

MAC: Tonight starring Mary Jankowitz.
alias Easy Mary.

Hi. Easy.

Oh. ha. ha. pleased to meet you.

The p|easure's all mine.

Ah. ha. ha. It could be.

Not for all the tea in--

And charged
with patronizing a prost*tute...

...Jack Sullivan. a|ias--

Alias Christine's father.

Daddy. What happened?

I got caught with a hooker.

Parents say the darndest things.
don't they?

[HARRY SIGHSI

-Mac. get the arrest report on this one. huh?
-Yes. sir.

You were right. Jack.
she does have your eyes.

I'll have your eyes.

Whoa. Zsa Zsa.

You ever see Cat People?

Miss Sullivan. I can understand why you'd
find this situation a little upsetting but--

A little upsetting?

Getting a run in your pantyhose
is a little upsetting.

This is like choking on your own vomit!

HeY-

I got family here tonight.

Yeah. Boo-hoo.

Miss Sullivan.

Miss Sullivan. you do know that I'm gonna
have to disqualify you from this case.

You don't have to teach me
the law. buster.

Uh. I'll be passing out copies of her résumé
during the recess.

What are you. nuts?

I do not wish to discuss it. Christine.

You do not wish to discuss it?

Flo. Bull. take the two down the holding.

We're gonna have to continue
your case until the next shift.

Take a short recess.

Sir. there's about a dozen
naked people in your office.

Let's make that a long recess.

If you'll excuse me...

...|'|| be in my office.

She doesn't have an office.

-Your Honor.
-I suppose you're gonna bring up...

-...the naked people in my office.
-Yes. sir. It was on my mind.

It's that group from the clothing-optional
building that was here a few minutes ago.

They're staging a protest.

All of them?

She's in there too. Dan.

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood.

-Well?
-You got a new rug. didn't you?

Excuse me. Flo.

Um. I'll get some bandages.

In case they start sticking to the leather.

ANGELA:
Hello. Your Honor.

Look at me.

[ANGELA CHUCKLESI

If I'm not out in five minutes...

...give me a half an hour.

Uh-huh.

CHRISTINE:
Thank you.

l|NMATES HOOTINGI

-Hello.
-Hello.

So. what's new?

"There is no new thing under the sun."

That's from Ecclesiastes.

Yeah. where the hell were you last night?
That's from me.

-I don't wanna discuss it.
-You don't wanna discuss it?

Daddy. look. I wanna discuss it.

I'm not trying to pry, Daddy,
but I am the only family you've got...

...and I care about what happens to you.

Stop. I'm getting dizzy!

Daddy. look.
whatever happened last night...

...no matter how sickening or disgusting.
it's your business.

-But--
-But you're just curious.

-No. I'm not.
-Yes. you are.

-No. I'm not.
-Yes. you are.

No. I'm not. Yes. I am!

Christina...

...I love you
more than anything else in the world...

...but this is none of your business.

OkaY-

I'll leave you alone then.

I've seen that look before.

Joan Crawford. Queen Bee.

[MAN GRUNTSI

Yvonne Craig. Mars Needs Women.

Oh.

[ANGELA LAUGHING]

Oh. judge. you are a real card.

Well. thank you. thank you. thank you.

-Sleeves.
-I beg your pardon?

That's why there's no really great
naked magicians.

Oh. Yes. sir. You want me to call the police
and have these people arrested?

Oh. why bother? They'll probably
just get bored and leave on their own. huh?

Sir. may I?

Dan. I know.

You've been training
your whole life for this moment.

I will give you my car.

Go ahead. see if you can talk
a little sense into them.

If we lack evidence later.
don't come crying to me.

Come on in. We're just hanging out.

So you are.

IWHISTLINGI

-Here you go. Mac.
-Oh. thanks. Bull.

-I thought you hated the new Coke.
-Oh. it's not for me.

[DOOR OPENS]

ANGELA:
Anyway. Mr. Fielding...

...that's how to jump real high
for those overhead sh*ts.

Yeah. okay.

Thanks. kids. See you later.

[BREATHING HEAVILYI

Now. Mac.

I owe you.

Your Honor. I just don't understand it.

My father has never had a secret from me
in my whole life.

Well. that could be. but--

But on the other hand. if he did.
you wouldn't have known about it. right?

What's your point?

Well. we all keep secrets.
Everybody needs a little privacy.

Discretion is a better part of valor.

Stuff like that.

I think my father's right.
I think you're all nuts.

We do our best.

I just bought lunch for our regular scum.

Petty cash owes me.

[DAN SIGHSI

What happened?

We held a little taste test
that got out of hand.

Never mind.

-Let's go.
-What the hell's going on?

I don't know.
I'm just the muscle on this one.

-Your Honor?
-I couldn't think of anything else to do.

I just wanted to hear what happened.

I'm curious as to what happened myself.

Marjorie.

Listen. about last night.
I'd really like to talk about it.

You really wanna talk about it?

You really wanna talk
about what happened last night?

Uh. maybe this isn't the right place.

Oh. don't mind us.

Go ahead. spill your guts.

What you did to me last night.
no man has ever done to me before.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Wait a minute.
This is my father you're talking about.

Not some two-bit hustler off the street.

What did you do to her last night?

I'll tell you what he did.
He deserted me. that's what he did.

We were having dinner. he got up.
he walked out. he never came back.

He left me stuck with the bill.
Ninety-five dollars.

Yeah. well.
at least he dumped you in a nice place.

Marjorie. I'd like to try to explain.

Good night. Jack.

Marjorie. listen to me.

I really wanted us to have a good time
last night. I really did.

There I was in a glamorous restaurant
with an extremely beautiful girl at my side--

So you decided to leave. How romantic.

Marjorie. I'm afraid I left
long before I walked out.

All those confused?

This doesn't make sense.

Have you ever heard
an old song on the radio...

...that reminded you
of a particular time in your life?

Or a taste or a smell
that reminded you of a specific moment?

Sure. I have.

Please. go on.

-Yes. I suppose--
-Oh. it's happened to all of us.

And it happened to me last night.

I heard some glasses clink.

Some glasses clink.

Great. He had a fever.
That explains everything.

I know. I know it sounds silly...

...but when we were sitting there
talking last night...

...I heard some glasses clink...

...and I remembered a night.
a long time ago.

It was in the first apartment
that Linda and I had after we were married.

We had just had dinner.
something fried. I think.

She fried
just about everything back then.

I remember I was sitting in the living room
listening to a baseball game on the radio.

Linda was in the kitchen
doing the dishes.

And as I sat there. being lulled to sleep
by the radio announcer's voice...

...I heard the glasses clink
as she washed them.

And I remembered I felt warm
and happy and content.

It was as though she had clinked them
together. you know. on purpose...

...as a signal. maybe.
just to let me know she was there.

Just to let me know she cared.

[CHUCKLESI

That's funny. isn't it?

After all the good times. all the bad times
during years of marriage...

...I remember some glasses clinking.

I'm just not ready yet.

Anybody got any Tums?

I can't help it.

I get emotional. I get gas.

Well. listen. maybe when you are ready...

...we'll just take it slowly. okay?

"Slowly."

What a romantic adverb.

Till later.

Oh. Daddy.

Well. come on. g*ng.
we gotta go and. uh....

Get those naked people
out of your office.

Right.

You two take care.

And. uh. Mr. Sullivan.
remember you're still under arrest...

-...so don't wander off or anything.
-Yes. sir.

Thank you. Your Honor.

Stay away from that nut. Christine.

Oh. daddy. ha. ha.

Now tell me about that hooker.

Well. after I left Marjorie.
I wandered around for hours...

...and I ended up in an all-night diner.

That's where I ran into Mary.
Been a while since I'd seen her.

-Tsk. Daddy.
-High school to be exact.

We were in the same class.

That's where she got the name Easy.

She was voted most likely to.

Most likely to what?

That was it. "most likely to."

I love you. Daddy.

I love you too. peaches.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you for helping us.

You made the right decision. Thank you.
Barn door open there.

Thank you.

Thank you all. Thank you very much.

-Thank you. Good night. Angela.
-Good night.

Ah. thanks for the workout. Dan.

I swear. I don't think anybody's
ever made me jog in place...

...for so long in my whole life.

No pain. no gain.

[ANGELA CHUCKLESI

Mr. Lollar.

I'll never leave.

Not until our cause
is sung across the land.

Also. I wanna finish watching this movie.

Mr. Lollar. it's after a.m. If you could--

Oh. look. it's over.
You made me miss the ending.

Mr. Lollar.

l"STAR-SPANGLED BANNER"
PLAYING ON TV]

Mr. Lollar. this really isn't necessary.

[SINGING]
What so proudly we hail

Some of us more than others.