01x01 - Pilot

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Bosom Buddies". Aired: November 27, 1980 –; March 27, 1982.*
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Follows the misadventures of two single men, working in creative advertising, struggling in their industry while disguising themselves as women in order to live in the one apartment they could afford.
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01x01 - Pilot

Post by bunniefuu »

(Stephanie Mills' "Shake
Me Loose" playing)

♪ I'd like to be J. Paul Getty ♪

♪ That gig Has got potential ♪

♪ But the only thing
That's essential ♪

♪ Is having a friend Like you ♪

♪ Well, you can try
To shake me loose ♪

♪ Don't try To shake me ♪

♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't an ease ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ I'd like a chateau In Paris ♪

♪ There ain't no doubt
About it ♪ ♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

♪ But I can Live without it ♪

♪ If I've got A
friend like you ♪

♪ Well, you can try
To shake me loose ♪

♪ Don't try To shake me ♪

♪ You can tell me To go away ♪

♪ But it doesn't
matter What you say ♪

♪ It ain't an ease ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ You're stuck with me ♪

♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with me ♪
♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with ♪

♪ Oh, ohhhh ♪

♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Shake me loose ♪

♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't an ease ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

(upbeat theme playing)

(elevator bell dings)

HENRY: Well, I
hope you're happy.

Happy, happy. Don't
tell me about happy.

Tell yourself about
happy. All right.

Concentrate on
your own happiness

for once in your life.

For crying out loud,

I'm happy. I'm perfectly happy.

I am having a wonderful time.

Wish I was here.

Wait just a second. What?

Where's Modigliani?

Where's my parakeet?

I don't know. We had him
when we got on the bus.

I've lost my yellow friend.

Relax, he's a smart bird.

Maybe he'll get a transfer,
take a 91W to the beach,

have an affair with a seagull.

(telephone ringing) I'm coming.

I'm coming.

This is a recording.

No one's here.

Boop!

Hello, Henry.

Hello, Amy. Hello, Amy.

Hello, Henry.

Ha-ha! The woman is possessed.

Any, uh, calls?

Yes, I called you three times.

I wasn't home.
As a matter of fact,

our entire home wasn't home.

You know, you're cute
when you're vague.

I'll make it simple.

We were demolished,
wrecked, torn down.

Our apartment
sleeps with the fishes.

(phone rings)

I'm depressed!
Just leave me alone!

Oh, Henry, I've got something
really important to give you.

Oh, now we're talking.
Work, work, work.

Okay. This is my phone
number and my address.

Now, if there is
anything you need:

a meal, some
sensitive conversation,

a place to stay for the night...

Thanks, I'll remember.

Someone to have your child.

Amy, I like you and everything,

but do you really think
you and I have a chance?

Oh, Henry, go on.

Sample what's out there.

Take a few years. I've got time.

And then when you
decide you want someone

who really loves you,

you'll give me a call.

She's in love with you.

Shh, don't say that.

It makes me uncomfortable.

Don't be uncomfortable.

I wish I was her.

You wanna be in love with me?

I just think it would
be nice to be in love.

I mean, it happens to
most everybody else,

it just doesn't happen to me.

Kip, Kip, Kipness,
Kipperoony, come on. You'll see.

One day you'll
meet a girl and, bam,

it'll feel like you got hit in the
face with a bag of quarters.

Oh, you make it
sound so romantic.

You've just gotta
stop looking for love.

And then when
you least expect it...

You die. You die.
You pass out...

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
You sound like Bob Newhart...

Well... good morning.
You're both late.

Consequently you will
not be paid for this morning.

Why, yes, Ruth,
it is a lovely day.

It's 60 degrees downtown,
partly cloudy here.

This is an advertising agency.

Good morning, Amy.

Why are we holding
a garage sale?

This is not for sale. This
is everything we own.

I do have a birdcage
you can have real cheap.

Henry... Yes.

Can it. Right.

I showed Mr. Rubinowitz
the copy and the artwork

you did for the
Blouse City account.

And he loved them.

I knew he loved them. (sighs)

Ruth, I know this is probably
a bad time to bring this up,

but the Kipman and I
have no place to live.

Be grateful you still
have someplace to work.

I knew you'd be concerned.

Now, then. Let me talk, okay?

Oh, oh. Pep talk.
Time for a pep talk.

Oh, boy. A pep
talk. Now, listen.

I don't want you to feel
bad about the crummy work.

I know you can do better.

So by Monday morning, which
gives you the whole weekend,

I want an entire new
campaign for Blouse City.

I want new drawings,
I want new copy,

new slogans, new everything.

This is the campaign...

that could get me back on top.

You were the best, Ruth.

Yes, but then I
made a little mistake...

and I lost a huge account.

I was only one word off.

Mr. Whipple came
over and he said,

"Ladies, please don't
eat the Charmin."

Still sounds great to me.

Sounds great to us too.

It's just too far
ahead of its time.

Too sophisticated.
(speaking indistinctly)

Thanks, boys.

(upbeat theme playing)

Look, look, look, I don't
think this is gonna work.

What are you worried
about? It's gonna be easy.

Now when we see
Amy, you just tell her

we decided to stop
by and say hello.

And by the way, can
we spend the night?

Don't you think that's
kind of taking advantage?

Well, sure, that's what
friendship is all about.

This is our last resort, Henry.

I wanted to take that last
apartment we looked at.

It was $600. It
smelled and it had rats.

Those were not rats,

they were incredibly
unattractive kittens.

Now, come on.

Actually, this is a pretty
good-looking building.

This is an amazingly
good-looking building.

This is one hell of a building.

Come on. Change
your tune, Mantovani?

All right, muchachos, freeze.

(yelps)

This is a full can of mace.

Turn around slowly.

All right, all right.
All right, don't spray.

We'll cooperate.
I have no money,

but this guy has
$32 in his shoe.

Give her the money, Kip.

Oh, now, hold it.

That's not mace.

What? You got
the wrong can, lady.

You're trying to mug us
with a can of Cheez Whiz.

(gasps)

Oh, don't sh**t him.

sh**t me.

Amy, it's only Cheez Whiz.

What kind of a monster are you?

They were sneaking upstairs.

These are friends
of mine, Darlene.

They just didn't know this
was a hotel for women only.

It's on the sign right
there. Can't they read?

"Susan B. Anthony Hotel:

a residence for women."

You read it, now remember it.

She certainly gives
credence to those rumors

Eva Braun made it out.

Well, men are
allowed in the lobby.

Come on, Henry, come sit
down on the couch next to Amy,

make yourself comfortable,
and we'll just talk.

I'll just stand. Good.

Amy, this probably
isn't gonna work now,

but we have no place to stay,

and we were gonna ask you
if we could sleep at your place.

There is a god.

Oh, it's perfect,
it's just perfect.

My roommate is out of
town for the entire weekend.

Oh, Henry, I'll fix
up the couch for you.

And, Kip, you can
sleep on the stove.

Oh... whoa, whoa...?
What are you talking about?

This is a place for women only.

It's impossible.

Well, it's impossible
if you look like a man.

Yeah. I'm getting a thought.

Don't. Don't think. It's
not your strong point.

We've got all those clothes
at the office from Blouse City.

(chuckling): We are
not that desperate.

Kip, we have no place to stay.

We have an entire ad
campaign to put together,

and we've gotta find an
apartment in one weekend.

Pal, I call that desperate.

Oh, pal, I call
that desperate too.

I think this is
very, very exciting.

I think you boys have
made a very good choice.

(Kip clears throat)

This is nuts. This is
stupid. This is crazy.

You're an artist. You're
allowed to be crazy.

Think about van Gogh.

He cut off his ear.

I know. But you're asking
me to lose a lot more than that.

(jazz theme playing)

Will you knock it off?

All right. Just act natural.

What is that supposed to mean?

You're so cranky.

Just watch me work.

Hello.

Hello.

Could you tell me what
apartment Amy Cassidy is in?

Oh, yes.

In fact, I live right
down the hall.

It's 313.

Wonderful.

Uh, look, honey.

(clears throat) Are
you two farm girls?

I mean you are... big.

Really big.

But you certainly
are eye-catching.

(laughs)

Well, a girl has to try.

Oh, hey, by the way,
you got any aspirin?

Oh, I'm sorry. I just
took my last Midol.

Oh... Oh.

Drop by for cocktails.

You are really
pushing it, buddy.

Don't be so physical.

Am I crooked?

A little.

It looks good on you though.

Hey, you.

I, uh, don't believe I've seen,

uh, you two around here before.

No, no, you haven't.

We just got in from Canada.

Yes, two Canadian
girls in the big city.

Just like Margaret Trudeau.

Oh, heavens me.

I have been so rude. I
haven't introduced us.

Ahem. This is my
sister, Hildegarde.

(snorts)

Hildegarde.

And this is my sister... Buffy.

You look like a Buffy.

I never thought so.

Come, Hildegarde.

Nice girls.

Probably virgins.

Buffy? Hildegarde's
the worst... Buffy.

(jazz theme playing)

Hildegarde? I once
knew a Hildegarde.

She was the ugliest girl
in my junior high school.

Well, if the shoe fits...

It's better than Buffy.

Buffy, yuck. And where's
Cissy, Jody and Mr. French?

Knock on the door.

Coming.

Oh, hello, girls.

Come on in, girls.

It's nice to see you, girls.

Hi, guys.

Oh, thank God
you made it up here.

Oh, you two look adorable.

Oh, shut up.

This is a great apartment.
Are they all like this?

Pretty much. Can I
get you a beer, Henry?

Pink lady, Kip? Oh, that's it.

That's it, that's it.

I'm getting out
of this ensemble.

I'm getting this terrible urge
to go out and read Sylvia Plath.

Hey, how do you
afford a joint like this?

Oh, it's only 150 a month.

Hey, Amy, open
up. It's me, Sonny.

Oh, my God.

It's my roommate. Quick,
Kip, get your chest on.

Oh, I knew this wasn't
gonna work. Shut up, Buffy.

And don't call me that... (gags)

Uh, just a minute, Sonny.

The lower half of
my body fell asleep,

and I'm having trouble
getting to the door.

Uh, how do I look?

Frankly, you're a pig.

Somehow I find that comforting.

Okay, Amy, go
ahead, let's open up.

(sighs)

Ready?

Well, it happened
to me again, Amy.

Hi, girls. (breathes heavily)

I was supposed to meet
this choreographer, Julian.

We're gonna rehearse
dances for his new show.

Sonny's a dancer.

She moves like a goddess.

Oh...

the rehearsal hall
turns out to be Room 14

at the Dew Drop Inn.

Julian is half-gassed.

And he wants to give me
my lesson in the bathtub.

Oh, men are such slime.

You need the sensitive
type. An artist perhaps.

Like your friend, Kip.

Too bad about his
horrible accident.

What? Didn't you hear?

He was bludgeoned
by his roommate.

Oh, Hildy, you're
such a crazy prankster.

Listen, I have a wonderful idea.

Sonny, would you mind if
we stayed the weekend?

No, not a bit. I'd
love to have you.

She'd love to have me.

I think we'll have a
wonderful time, just us girls.

(both giggling)

(jazz theme playing)

(jazz theme playing)

Excuse me a second. I have
to powder something, uh...

Like to come with me, Buffy?

Handle it yourself.
You're a grown woman.

All right, I just hope I
remember where everything is.

(chuckles)

Well, I might as well
sit down. Heh-heh!

Did I tell you Sonny's a dancer?

Yes, and I... Oh, my goodness.

Oh. Sonny, don't do
that. Believe me, it's cruel.

Oh, you leave her alone.

Go on, heh. Make
yourself really comfortable.

Well, actually, I do have
a day job. I'm a nurse.

An angel of mercy.

But what I really
wanna do is dance.

Troubled, sensitive,
artistic. What a gal.

I just...

I just can't seem to
get a break in this town.

I'm a good nurse.

I can run an entire hospital.

And I can't even
get an audition.

(sighs) Buffy,

do you know what it's like to
be always looking for something

and never actually finding it?

I know exactly what that's like.

It's all my fault, I guess.

I should never be allowed
to make any decisions.

I make all the wrong choices.

Wrong jobs, wrong
men, wrong dreams.

Is anyone else
getting very warm?

(exhales)

Good job, God.

Say...

are you ladies looking
for a place to live?

HENRY: Absolutely. Amy,

the apartment across
the hall just opened up.

Oh, Hildy, did you hear that?

We could move right in.

Buffy, Buffet, Bufferin,
let's not forget who we are.

I only packed for the weekend.

Oh, Hildy, it would be so
nice having you around.

All to myself.

It's cheap and clean.

We'd be living around friends.

We don't have any other choices.

I think we'd be
fools not to look at it.

I think one of us is a fool now.

Evening, ladies.

Isabelle. Hi.

Oh, hi, girls. Hey, you know,

I was modeling for a
champagne ad today

and a little devil whispered
to me, "Isabelle, take some."

And then a little
angel whispered,

"Oh, Isabelle, don't."

I told the angel to take a hike.

(girls laughing)

Let's get Sonny drunk.

Philistine. That
woman is a saint.

Did I hear a cork pop?

(gasps) Come on.
It's in here, girls.

(girls chattering excitedly)

More party.

[TALKS INDISTINCTLY]

Of course, we'd be fools
not to look at the silly place.

And Momma didn't
raise no foolish daughters.

(jazz theme playing)

HENRY: Well, let's look at it.

Well, well, well.

You have to admit,
this is a great apartment.

Yes, but I'm dressed
like a woman. It's cheap.

Yes, but I'm dressed
like a woman.

We'd constantly be
surrounded by beautiful girls.

It is nice and airy, isn't it?

Wait, no, stop. You're
trying to manipulate me.

Yes, I am. And brilliantly too.

Henry... something
happened to me last night.

I feel like a completely
different kind of man.

Take off the dress.

Not that, you incredible bozo.

What we talked
about the other day.

Henry...

I'm in love.

With Sonny?

No... with you. Of
course, with Sonny.

She walked through
that door and...

Don't tell me, don't
tell me, don't tell me.

Your world changed. Yeah.

Life become worth
living. Yeah, yeah.

The sun shone where before
shadows had only lingered.

Yes, yes, yes.

Bullpucky.

No, it's true. Henry, I,
Kip Wilson, am in love.

Kip, she thinks you're a woman.

I'll settle.

How else could I hope to
be around a girl like that?

Henry...

All my life I have been
an emotional cr*pple,

but now suddenly,
hallelujah, I am healed.

Well, praise the
Lord. Woah! Oh, oh!

Let's have a small
reality check here.

Now, look. We are men.

This is a hotel for women.
What are you doing?

All the time we're
gonna spend here,

we have to spend as women.

You'll get used to it.

What about the mustache
I wanted to grow?

Go ahead, grow it. Give
you a nice ethnic look.

You really think so?

Kip, this is crazy.

You forget. I'm an artist.

I'm allowed to be crazy.

Yeah, well, I'm not.

What're you talking about?

Yes, you are.

You're a writer.

No, I'm not. You're the
one with all the talent.

All I am is a copywriter
at an ad agency.

I... I talk about novels
that aren't there.

Well, now, maybe that's because

you've never had
anything to write about.

Maybe it would be interesting
to write about women,

privy to their
innermost thoughts,

sharing their female secrets

because you are
accepted as one of them.

Well, maybe if I stayed a week,

I could have a
heck of a little article.

Henry, Henry, Henry.
You're thinking small.

Well, if I stayed a month,

I might get a hot
little short story.

You give it a year,

and we're talking
best-selling novel.

You really think so? I know so.

Look how well that guy
did with Black Like Me.

I loved that book.

So, what do you say, Henry?

Do we stay?

On one condition. What's that?

Tomorrow I get to
wear the crepe scarf.

Well, okay.

(upbeat theme playing)

KIP: Well, off to
the old salt mines.

HENRY: Yep, another
day, another dollar.

Ohhh... ♪ Macho, macho man ♪

♪ I have got to be ♪

♪ A macho man ♪

BOTH: ♪ Macho, macho man ♪

♪ I have got to be A macho ♪

Wahhh!

( upbeat theme playing)

( "Macho Man"
instrumental theme playing)

I don't quite know
how to say this...

but it looks like you boys
have done some excellent work.

Well, we're very
familiar with the material.

Yes, we've recently been
getting into women's clothes.

Better show this
to Mr. Rubinowitz,

get his feedback.

Oh, feedback at last.

You know, this could put
me back in the driver's seat.

Oh. Oh, I love it.

Kiss off, Mr. Whipple.

Mr. Rubinowitz, I've come up
with a marvelous new campaign.

She did it again. What?

That's it. That's it.

I'm outta here. Kip...

We work our tails
off on something,

and she takes
credit for it. Kipness...

You know what
honks me off? What?

Is the fact I can do her job
twice as well as she can.

So stop whining and do it.

What?

I said, do it. Get her
job. You've got real talent.

You can make it on that.

I may not.

Oh, now come on, knock it off.

I'm not complaining.
I'm being realistic.

I've got so-so talent.

I've gotta make it
by working harder

than anybody else
around me. Aw, Henry...

Now, don't feel sorry for
me, because I'll get there.

I could use a little
talent around me.

I was... pretty sure it
was gonna be you...

Buffy. Don't call me that.

I knew I'd convince you.

What do you wanna do after work?
Either we go to a hockey game,

or we go home and give
ourselves a home permanent.

What? And ruin this manicure?

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

You got a point.

Good morning, everybody.

Here, Henry. I thought
you'd like these back.

They're your shoes. You
left them at my apartment.

Thank you, Amy.

Did you hear that, everybody?!

He left his shoes
at my apartment

when he spent the night!

All night!

At my apartment.

Well, at least she's discreet.

( upbeat theme playing)

( upbeat theme playing)
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