01x03 - Loathe Thy Neighbor

[bunniefuu]

(Stephanie Mills' "Shake
Me Loose" playing)

♪ I'd like to be J. Paul Getty ♪

♪ That gig Has got potential ♪

♪ But the only thing
That's essential ♪

♪ Is having a friend Like you ♪

♪ Well, you can try
To shake me loose ♪

♪ Don't try To shake me ♪

♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't an ease ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ I'd like a chateau In Paris ♪

♪ There ain't no doubt
About it ♪ ♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

♪ But I can Live without it ♪

♪ If I've got A
friend like you ♪

♪ Well, you can try
To shake me loose ♪

♪ Don't try To shake me ♪

♪ You can tell me To go away ♪

♪ But it doesn't
matter What you say ♪

♪ It ain't an ease ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ You're stuck with me ♪

♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with me ♪
♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with ♪

♪ Oh, ohhhh ♪

♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Shake me loose ♪

♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't an ease ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

( upbeat theme playing)

GIRL (on TV): Mom! Mom, I
used the "Fresh and Lively"

disposable deodorant
you recommended.

WOMAN (on TV): Yes, honey?

GIRL: And Jimmy
asked me to the dance.

Thank you, Mom.

WOMAN: Don't thank me.

Thank "Fresh and Lively."

Regular and new Redwood Bouquet.

GIRL: You're the
best mom in the world.

(all cheering)

Our first commercial.

Way to go, buddy.

♪ Nah-nah-nah-naaah ♪

Aah! Ha, ha, ha.

Watch for us.
We're gonna do this.

Livingston, Gentry and Mishkin.

Not bad, Kip.

Thank you, thank you.

Henry, un-bloody-believable!

(laughs)

Thank you.

I mean there was
drama, there was pathos.

You should see if you
can sell the movie rights.

We'd like to thank the Academy,

our fine cast and crew

and, of course, all
of the little people.

So I'm certainly relieved
that you liked the input.

I think you had some fine ideas

for Brotherhood Week.

Oh, thank you,
you're much too kind.

Thank you. Yes, sincere thanks.

Oh no.

Thank you very much.

So I'll draw up the contracts

and you'll all sign.

No, thank you. Thank you. No.

I don't think so, but thanks.

I mean, fellas, wait.

Why hath thou forsaken me?

Let me introduce you to two

of our very, very
best young people.

(giggles)

This is Kip Wilson
and Henry Desmond.

Boys, Father
Michaelson, Rabbi Epstein

and Sri Hingorani.

Oh, very good. Ha, ha, ha.

(Ruth sighs)

Well, say something friendly.

Nice hat.

Boys, the gentlemen are here

because they're looking
for an advertising agency

to handle their Brotherhood
Week Campaign.

Yeah, we've allocated
a major part of our funds

to advertising.

Oh, going whole hog, eh?

Oh, Rabbi.

No cow jokes, please.

(all laugh)

(Kip laughs louder)

(stops laughing)

Let me just say,

that I think if any two
human beings exemplify

the ideals of unity
and brotherhood,

it's these two fine
talented young men

because they are like
brothers themselves.

You know...

I believe, the striving for
brotherhood and harmony

among men is truly

the noblest endeavor we
could take upon ourselves.

Ditto for me.

Let's, uh, kick
it around a little.

(clears throat)

(in unison) Ah.

(giggles)

Okay, booby,

you get yourself a piece
of the brotherhood action.

Praise the Lord.

(giggles)

The lord of your choice.

I think it's very important

that we show happy
people doing happy things.

Oh, like, "Mom,
Mom, I found a puppy.

Can I keep it?"

Well, gentlemen,
I'll see you tomorrow,

and I simply couldn't
be more pleased.

Well, you can stop
smiling now, Ruth.

I don't think so.

I seem to be stuck.

I've smiled so much, I
feel like Debby Boone.

Ooh.

The Council of Churches was
certainly a tough nut to cr*ck.

Yeah, you can't buy 'em
with a bottle and a broad, huh?

Don't think I didn't try.

All right. Now it's
time for you to come up

with some angles
for this campaign.

Now I want happy stuff. Oh.

Good, cheerful, loving, kind,

generous, warm,
friendly, all that garbage.

Well, we're the boys
to give you that, Ruth.

(chuckles)

( upbeat theme playing)

Don't tell me that the Jets
are gonna b*at Cleveland.

(speaking indistinctly)

No way.

(women yelling)

I think Sonny and Amy
are having a little tiff.

Oh, now just back off.

I'm sure it's just a
harmless little squabble.

Oh, I've seen this.

Now the gorilla comes
out and jumps on it.

(yelling indistinctly)

Ladies! Ladies, please, please.

What are we?

Are we refined young women
or are we shogun warriors?

I'm sick and
tired of not getting

any time in the bathroom.

This morning, I'm the
only person on the subway

brushing my teeth.

Look, short
stuff... Short stuff!

I could cut my time in half

if I didn't have to clean
up after your mess.

My mess? And tell me,

how do you get
mascara on a water pick?

Face it, Amy, you're a slob.

Oh, if I wasn't such a lady,

I'd call you a
dirt-sucking scuzz bucket.

(slams door)

Such language.

No more Lenny
Bruce records for you.

All right, ladies. Please.

Let's just sit down

and talk about this
over some cake.

I'm sure a little problem
like this could be worked out

in five minutes.

Well, until we do,

is it okay if I bunk
with you girls?

Then again, problems like
this can drag on for months.

I'll get your bags.

I'll get the door.

KIP: ♪ Doo, doo, doo, ro ♪

Gosh, Buffy,

I can hardly lift
one of those things.

Oh, heh, heh.

Well, uh, growing
up in Saskatchewan.

Yes, if you want to
get to school on time,

you have to learn
to canoe. Ha, ha, ha.

Listen, I promise I
won't be any bother.

In fact, I'll just blend
into the woodwork.

Oh, blend, blend, blend.

Nice blend.

Look, Kip, this is
not a great idea.

Not a great idea?

This is the best
idea since fire.

Don't you realize
what you're doing?

You're exploiting Sonny
and Amy's personal problems

for your own cheap
thrills. Cheap thrills?

This is my only chance to
be close to the woman I love.

Nice healthy relationship.

Do I look nice?

You look like Stockard Channing.

See, I wasn't even
in there for a minute.

Ha, no.

Sonny, you have had
such a trying experience.

Let's just sit ourselves
down and jaw.

Listen, I really want to thank
you for being so good to me.

The time will come,
I'm sure, when...

I will be needing you.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave.

Listen, this is the first chance

we've had to sit down and chat.

Tell me, do you
all have boyfriends?

(laughs)

No, not here.

But we left many a broken
heart back at the logging camp.

Have you ever had your
initials carved in a tree

with a chain saw?

Yeah.

Of course. Ha, ha, ha.

Huh. How stupid of you to ask.

Excuse me.

Sure.

(giggling)

She certainly spends
a lot of time in there.

Yeah, but look at
those results, huh?

Whoo.

Okay, let's put the
moral arguments aside.

Thanks, I like that arrangement.

Let me tell you where I stand.

I'm a victim of the
Cinderella Syndrome.

Now what is that?

At midnight she
sees my pumpkins.

Oh.

You wouldn't dare!
Oh, I wouldn't?

Are you two playing games?

Yes, it's sort of a Northwoods
version of Mother may I.

It's called: Will you be nice?

HENRY: No.

Is this what you girls call
a "big night" in Canada?

Will you be nice?

HENRY: Yes.

You're not being nice yet.

Will you just be nice
for... just one night?

HENRY: For just one night?

Yes, for just one night.

Now, will you be nice?

HENRY: Yes, for one night.

Ah!

Nice.

Who won?

I did.

Don't pay any attention to me.

I'll just busy myself
with a few little chores.

Well, Sonny, now's our chance

to sit down and have ourselves
a real heavy-duty girl talk.

Ha, ha, ha. Tell me,

do you have any steady beaus?

No, it's really hard
to find a nice man.

I just had the
most terrific idea.

You've met my brother,
Kip, haven't you?

Sure, I've met him.

He's the one with
the cute and curly hair.

Cute and curly hair!

(spits, coughs)

Hildy, what are you doing?

Shining shoes.

But those are men's shoes.

Yes, they're my dad's.

He sends them to me scuffed.

I send them back shined.

It's the next best
thing to being there.

Kip would think me brazen,

but I'm going to take
matters into my own hands.

Uh, Sonny, could you
be downstairs tomorrow,

say at, uh, 8:00?

I'm sure Kip would
love meeting you again.

I'm willing to take a chance.

Tomorrow at 8 would be terrific.

Terrific! Tomorrow at 8 it is!

Will you excuse me
for just a second?

I hope she doesn't spend a
lot of time in the bathroom.

She does, but
look at the results.

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

Hey, welcome to the fabulous,
fabulous advertising room

where we're gonna be entertained

by the fabulous song styling
of the fabulous, fabulous

Kip Wilson!

♪ Do do do do do do ♪

♪ It's not unusual To
go out at any time ♪

♪ Do do do do ♪

♪ But when I see
you out And about... ♪

Hence the expression
"dancing fool."

♪ Do do do do ♪

♪ To find that I'm in love
With you, whoa, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

Amy, you magnificent wench.

Dance with me.

(panting)

Oh, you dance like a goddess,

a dead goddess.

Ha, and you dance like Nureyev.

(giggles)

My butcher, Phil Nureyev.

Ha, ha, ha.

Pooh-pooh to you, Myrtle.

Oh, I tell you, Henry,

last night may have been the
most wonderful night of my life.

Yeah, it was swell for me too.

You went to your bed,
she went to my bed.

I had a cup of cocoa and
crashed on the fire escape.

Oh, laddie boy, you've been
great about this whole thing,

you know that, sport.

I sure have.

Oh, it's been
fun too, hasn't it?

Yeah, I guess it
was sort of fun.

And just think how much
fun we are going to have

for the next two, three years.

Oh, Henry, listen, Desmond,

I'm so excited about this
date with Sonny tonight!

Hey, ho! Oh! Look

at those beautiful
flowers I got for her.

Whoa! Ha!

I like Brian or Shirley as
the name of our first-born.

Earth to Kip. Earth to Kip.

Major Kip here.

Kip, I want you to picture this.

I spent last night in a
muumuu and fuzzies,

11 stories above 79th
Street wearing a blond wig.

(chuckles)

When I woke up in the morning,

there was a family of
pigeons nesting in it.

I'm gonna give you an ultimatum.

Either Sonny leaves...

or Sonny leaves.

Hey, don't take
that tone with me.

You cannot intimidate me.

Hey!

Son of a g*n, you
can intimidate me.

My mistake.

(speaking indistinctly)

Kip, this isn't getting
you anywhere.

And it's not fair
to me and frankly,

it's not even very nice.

In fact, it's seamy.

Seamy?

You are calling me seamy?

And sneaky.

Sneaky! I am sneaky.

You are the one
supposedly writing a book

about all of this.
That's different, pal.

That's a literary endeavor.
No, pal, that's a fantasy.

Are you saying I
can't write my book?

The only way you'll
get that book finished

is if you hire
somebody with talent.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. Henry!

Henry, wait a minute. I
was just jokin' around.

I didn't mean it.

You can reach me at Amy's.

Henry, please, uh...

We were only foolin' around!

(sighs)

Huh, that's... Two
crazy kids. Ha, ha.

Huh, we fool around
like this all the time.

All right, all right,
all right, look, uh,

this is the same Kip here.

Nothing has changed.
Nothing has changed.

Nancy, who... Who took
pictures at your baby shower?

Phil, Phil, who dog-sat for you
when you went to the Bahamas?

Messy dog.

Dave, who took out
your sister that one time

and she is no
princess, believe me.

What am I saying. I'm a louse.

Where's Henry?

We were just talking and
I said something to him

that I swear I did
not mean, and he left

and he said that he would
be staying in your house.

♪ It's not unusual To
go out at any time ♪

♪ Do do do do do ♪

( upbeat theme playing)

( mellow theme paying)

Henry, buddy of mine.

Palomino. You
forgave and forgot?

I forgave nothing. I
remember everything.

I was just cleaning
out the apartment,

and I accidentally took
something of yours.

Here are your underalls.

You could have kept them.

Listen, Henry, I am sorry.

I am so sorry.

If I could take
it back, I would.

Believe me. I
would take it back.

But you can't.

What? Do you want
me on my knees?

Hey, I am on my knees.

You want me on my elbows?

Look at this. Elbow time.

Hey, I'm gonna stand
on my tongue just for you.

Look at this, huh?

Huh, huh, huh?

Kip.

(spits) Yeah.

You look a little down.

I tell ya, Isabelle,
I am worthless.

I am slime. I am bilge water.

I saw that you and
Henry were fighting.

I see you were
fighting over a woman.

I'm swamp.

I am swamp-like. I am swamp-ish.

I am a swamp.

She musta hauled her
buns outta here pretty quick.

Oh, Isabelle.

Those things are of
no importance now.

These lips that can
be used to create,

I have used to destroy.

So let's rip them off!

Let's rip off these
lips, Isabelle.

Aarggh!

Look, Kip, a man needs his lips.

I mean, without lips

his mustache would
grow right into his mouth.

(car horn honking)

Oh, there's my ride.

Oh, but, Isabelle, please,
what am I gonna do?

Kip! Look, I don't wanna
upset you any more,

but there is an incredibly
beautiful woman here

and she's waiting for you.

KIP: Oh.

(car horn honking)

Classy date.

I better get out there
before he breaks into "Dixie."

Hi, Kip.

Hi, Sonny.

Kip, you shouldn't have.

What did I do now?

The roses. Oh.

I love them.

I'll have to put
these in some water.

Yeah, well, why bother?
They'll soon be dead.

Twelve little yellow corpses.

Very heavy.

Well, we'll just have to enjoy
them while we've got them, huh?

Kip, you know, I'd really
love to have one in my hair.

Aah!

Kip? Yeah.

I think my ear is bleeding.

Oh, you think I hurt you?

(sighs)

Why don't we sit down, huh?

Oh, I tell you, Sonny,

life is just a bowl
of green oxtails.

You're so deep.

You know, the one quality

I find almost
irresistible is sensitivity.

You've got it up the kazoo.

Look, Sonny, uh,

I know this is the act of
an absolute crazy man.

Yes, I'm sorry, but, uh,

I've gotta be alone.

Kip!

I had a really nice time.

Oh, me too.

( mellow theme playing)

Good morning, Amy.

Hello, Henry, how are ya, huh?

Hey, it is great to
see you this morning.

Yeah, it is really
great to see you.

You are looking in the pink.

I have never seen
you look pinker.

Forget it, Kip. It won't work.

We've got nothin' more
to say to each other.

Great! I like this.
We're talking.

Listen, Henry,

I had some trouble falling
asleep last night, and, well,

son of a g*n, wouldn't you
know, I got to doodling and...

(giggles)

That's very nice.

But it won't wash, Kip.

No, I didn't think so.

That's why I also
wrote this poem. Heh.

I call it, "A Friend
Like Henry."

Oh, wise of mind And
fair of hair, he walks...

Oh, can it!

Lose the poem, Ferlinghetti.

Look, Henry, I'm sorry. Please.

Please, look, what I said
I said in the heat of anger.

I didn't mean it. Just
give me a chance, huh?

Look at this, we're
havin' fun again.

Forget it, Kip. We're through.

All right, all right.

I've had just about
enough of this myself.

If after all we've been
through, you are ready to chuck

our friendship because of some

silly stupid little
remark, then you are...

Little remark?!
- -an over sensitive...

Over sensitive? Boys!

(singing) Boys! Sweet,

wonderful guy. I love this guy.

Brotherhood at its best.

Father, Rabbi, Sri.

(giggles)

You stupid weenie!

What, you're moving?

Just like that, you have
the run of this building?

You have to talk to
supervisors about this.

(speaking indistinctly)
Amy, please.

Can't we settle this?

I want to come home.

Those girls are weird.

They... They never
take off their clothes.

Why are you
bothering me at work?

Look, Amy, I'm
willing to compromise.

I'll cut my showers
down to five minutes.

Ho ho ho.

I'll shampoo, but I
won't cream rinse.

Are you kidding?

Every time you get a split
end, you light a candle.

No way, Sonny.

KIP: Hey, hey,
what a cheap sh*t.

If you don't mind my saying so,

you're not giving
Sonny much of a chance.

If you don't mind my
saying so, go kiss a fuse box.

Hey, hey, hey! Don't
jump down my throat

just because you have
bad hygiene habits.

Aah!

Hey, pal, you can
yell at me all you want.

Just watch what you say to her.

SONNY: Wait a second, Henry.

Kip is a very sensitive guy.

Sensitive, but a
terrible first date.

Oh! Now you're
getting out of line.

Who are you calling out of line?

I've been up all morning

trying to wash the
thorns out of my hair.

(all speaking indistinctly)

Children, children!

Please, please.

Let's stop all this bickering.

No, Father, let them bicker.

They'll bicker a little,
they'll holler a little,

and then they'll make nice.

Yes, yes, passive
resistance is the way.

I beg to disagree.

We're clergymen, and
we have a responsibility.

I hate to say this,

but that collar doesn't
necessarily make you an expert.

It makes me more of an expert

than someone who
dresses like the Beatles.

Look, Padre,

now I'm getting mighty steamed.

In my country we
leave it up to karma.

Yeah, well maybe that's why
your country's so messed up.

My country is messed up? Yeah.

I just spent a dollar
for a cup of tea.

Yeah, well where do you
think we bought the tea, huh?

Curry breath.

Why don't you
squat over a cobra?

They hate that.

Listen, Gunga Din, just cool it.

Father Michaelson, if you just
hadn't brought up the country...

Look, Red, now don't you start!

Okay, huckster?

Call me names. I
really don't mind.

Oh, fellas,
please, I'll convert!

Name the religion.

No, no. Oh!

Boy, those fellas
are a bit touchy.

Yeah, real hot-heads.

Some people get upset
at the silliest things.

Sonny, this is really
hard for me to say...

but I know I've been
really spiteful and stubborn

and rude and... (gasps)

You know, you can stop
me any time you want.

One more.

Pigheaded?

That's enough.

You know, I think I can
get this fixed pretty easily.

Yeah? Yeah.

That way you'll be
able to finish that book.

Yeah, well...

'Cause I want you to write it.

'Cause I wanna read it.

'Cause I think it's
gonna be great.

And that's, like, an apology.

Well, I'm, like, accepting.

I think I'll call it:

"Wise of hair, fair of mind."

Wise of hair and fair of mind.

Ah, Henry. Oh, Kip.

Ah, Pancho. Oh, Cisco.

(both laugh)

Well, I got them to sign
the Brotherhood contracts.

Hey!

Great! How did you do that?

(sighs)

I have to become a nun.

Work out the details tomorrow.

(chuckles)

Yeah. Ha, ha.

(door closes)

Sister Ruth. Kinda catchy.

Yeah, it's got a catch to it.

The first female candy bar.

( mellow theme playing)

So, Ruth, what'd you
think of the new ideas

for the Brotherhood account?

Gosh, thanks for
the input, Ruth.

How can anyone be
so rude and insensitive?

Henry. No, I really mean it.

You'd think, just once,

she'd consider my
feelings. Henry, please.

Oh, no! Not the Dragon Lady.

Herro, Hilly.

Spock, beam me up. Ha, ha, ha.

Energize.

You have now gone where
no man has gone before.

I'm doing all I can captain.

(both speaking indistinctly)

( upbeat jazz theme playing)