01x07 - Beauty and the Beasts

[bunniefuu]

(Stephanie Mills' "Shake
Me Loose" playing)

♪ I'd like to be J. Paul Getty ♪

♪ That gig Has got potential ♪

♪ But the only thing
That's essential ♪

♪ Is having a friend Like you ♪

♪ Well, you can try
To shake me loose ♪

♪ Don't try To shake me ♪

♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ I'd like a chateau In Paris ♪

♪ There ain't no doubt
About it ♪ ♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

♪ But I can Live without it ♪

♪ If I've got A
friend like you ♪

♪ Well, you can try
To shake me loose ♪

♪ Don't try To shake me ♪

♪ You can tell me To go away ♪

♪ But it doesn't
matter What you say ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ You're stuck with me ♪
♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with me ♪
♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with ♪

♪ Oh, ohhhh ♪

♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Shake me loose ♪

♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

( upbeat funky theme playing)

Agh! A mouse!

A filthy, disgusting,
lice-ridden mouse.

I've had it up to here.
What am I going to do?

Has this ever happened to you?

If it has, then get Mouse Motel.

Mouse Motel.

It's the last vacation
Mr. Whiskers will ever take.

And now he's a guest forever.

Very nice, Miss Richmond.
Well, we have your résumé,

we know your agent,
we'll be in touch.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you. Thanks.

Very nice. Goodbye. Thank you.

Thank you. Bye-bye.

(sighs) Oh, will this never end?

Amy, uh, send in Miss Graham.

I think she's the best
we've seen so far.

You think everyone has been
the best we've seen so far.

I think she's the best
we've seen so far.

Well, just as a formality,
shall we have her try the lines?

Whenever you're
ready, Miss Graham.

Eeek!

A mouse.

Good. Nice.

A filthy, disgusting,
lice-ridden mouse.

Nice interp. Works for me.

I've had it up to here.

What am I going to do?

You are going to be a star.

That is what you
are going to do.

We've got this eye. We can tell.

We've seen it before.
Just a moment, please.

That was just
lovely, Miss Graham,

thank you very much,
we'll be in touch.

I just have to hose
down the boys.

Very special.

I think Miss Graham

could probably sell thermal
underwear in Honolulu.

All right, she's our Mouse
Motel girl and a half.

BOTH: Yea!

If you'll excuse me,
I've got to get out of here.

I'm late for an ERA luncheon.

Who's the lucky girl?

Miss Graham, and is
she gonna be grateful.

Yes, to me, when I tell her.

Henry, don't waste your time.

No one understands
you like I do.

Why hop from trollop to trollop?

Can't help it, doll, I come from
a long line of trollop-hoppers.

Besides, I think of our
relationship as intellectual.

Fine.

Come on over to my place
and we'll get naked and read.

While we sit here and chat,

Miss Ba-wakas is on
her way to the mezzanine.

Excuse me. I just couldn't wait.

Could you tell me if
you've made a decision?

Uh, uh...

Well, first of all,
let me say that, uh,

we thought you gave
a-a terrific reading. Really.

Oh, well, I understand.

Uh, believe me, there
are no hard feelings,

mop-head.

Oh, Miss Graham.
Uh, Miss Graham,

excuse me, just one moment.

I, uh, just wanted
to tell you...

You got the part.

(screams): Oh, really!

( upbeat theme playing)

Come one, the thing about
Sugar Ray is he's so quick.

He stings and then he moves.

He stings, then he moves.

Duran. "Hands of Stone."

Little Pepto-Bismol,
he'd still be champion.

Believe me. I don't
think... Hi. BOTH: Hi.

Girls, there you are, look.

We're going to dinner and
a show. Now, it's my treat.

We're gonna have a great
time, and you're coming with us.

Oh, golly, golly,
cheese and crackers.

We'd love to go,

but there's a special on
that we don't wanna miss:

Anson Williams in the Holy Land.

Come on, girls, you
have no excuse this time.

You're even dressed right.

No, no, no, we're dressed wrong,

damn wrong.

I think Buffy will
back me up on this.

We have an excuse. I know
there's got to be an excuse.

I have a terrible headache.

That happens when you
go upside your own head.

This is the fourth
time this week

you girls have turned us down.

If you don't like us, tell us,

and you'll never
have to see us again.

Oh, Hildy, we can't
hurt their feelings.

Buff, Buff, powder-puff,
come on now,

aren't we being a pair of twits?

We're not dressed
to go out ever.

Come on, Hildy.

You just have to learn
how to live, you know?

You just gotta learn that
you only go around once

in this great big
beautiful world.

Now, can't we go?

Please, please, please.

Oh, come on, Hildy. You
never wanna go anywhere...

(disco dance music playing)

This is a singles' bar.

Right. I told you we're
gonna show you a good time.

Whoopee.

You know, I
wouldn't be surprised

if you met a nice guy here.

No, but the nice guy
might be surprised.

(chatter)

I'm sort of spoken
for right now.

I could dance later.

I... The problem is is that...

Where'd everybody go?

If that guy gets out of
line with Sonny, I'm...

You'll what? What're you
gonna do, big girl, huh?

This is ridiculous, Kip.

We're in a singles' bar, two
single women on the loose.

Two single women?

We look like
Russian sh*t-putters.

What're you worried about?

Come on, let's just go to
the bar, have a drink, relax.

From the, uh, gentleman
at the end of the bar.

Oh, no, here he comes. He'll
want an evening out of this.

Sir, I appreciate
it, I... Really,

but I-I just couldn't, really.

Good, there's been some mistake.

Some awful, terrible mistake.

Oh, I get it. I'm chopped liver.

I'm headcheese. I'm tongue.

That bozo just insulted me.

Are you feverish?

Is your brassiere on too tight?

We come down for
a night on the town

and you start acting
like Gloria Steinem.

Look, let's just sit down,

have ourselves a grasshopper
or something like that.

I see what's going on here.

I get it.

Men are ignoring
us, and I know why.

Because we're dogs.
Woof-woof-woof.

Ugly donkey women.

That's why no one's
coming to ask us to dance.

Now let me get this
straight, Rin Tin Tin.

You are upset because men
aren't asking us to dance?

A pretty girl can get anything
she wants, but if you're ugly,

you buy your own
drinks. You follow me?

Is it too much to ask for
some hunk to come over here

and buy me a drink or
show me a little tenderness?

Henry.

The clothes are a
joke. This is a gag.

We're playing "Let's
pretend", remember?

Buffy, Hildegarde,
I'd like you to meet...

Uh, uh... These two
fellas we just met.

Hi. Hi, girls.

Here, Sonny, right
here, there you go.

So... Nice chest. Thanks.

What's it like on
the dance floor?

Buffy and I wouldn't know.

Not that we would care to know

or would ever
need to know at all.

Oh, I get it.

Why don't you two guys dance
with Buffy and Hildegarde?

Good idea. Uh... Well,
uh... W-w-we... We...

Why don't you guys just
go out and dance, huh?

Just get out there,
boogie till you puke.

You girls get out
there, work the house.

Well, how do you like that?

Again we're rejected

because we're not attractive.

Do you think somebody
might consider

that there's a person in here?

A person who has needs,

who has feelings, who can give?

Doesn't it make you angry?

No, you know what
makes me angry?

What? I gotta use the john,

and I don't know
which one to use.

( hard-rock music
playing over stereo)

I had a pretty good time
tonight. How about you?

(music stops) Kip,

the point of the whole evening
went right by you, didn't it?

God, I hope so.

We're as guilty as any
of those guys in the bar.

This morning we
gave a woman a job

not because she had talent,

but because she had a good body.

A good body? She
had a great body.

She had legs, a little waist,
all those other great stuff.

Kip, she wasn't there to be
ogled, she was there for a job

and deserved to be
treated with dignity.

Oh, Henry.

Do you think because
she was beautiful,

I didn't consider all
of her other qualities?

Okay, what about Sonny?

Well, I happen to
be in love with Sonny

because of all that
I know about her.

Thank you very much.

Okay, fair enough. Okay.

Where, uh...?
Where was she born?

America.

I rest my case.

All right.

All right, Mr. Holier-Than-Thou.

I happen to know of
an intelligent, bright,

sweet young woman
who is devoted to you,

and you won't give
her the time of day.

Who? Amy?

Ding, ding, ding, ding,
ding, on to the bonus round!

Amy's a friend. I
mean, we kid around...

I mean I kid around. Okay?

I mean, but there's not, uh...

There's not the old,
you know, spark.

Uh-huh.

And why is that, do you suppose?

Because she and I aren't
real... We're not... Bec...

You know how these things are.

You're squirming.
I am squirming.

All right, look, uh,
Henry. I will give you this.

There are a lot of things
that I don't know about Sonny,

but I will find them out.

In the meantime,

if you don't get your
story straight about Amy,

you're talking
through your hat, guy.

That's right.

Terrific girl right under
my nose all the time,

and I do mean all the time.

Things were a lot
easier before puberty.

Let's see.

Sonny, where were you born?

A: Malta,

B: Fresno,

C: I was a test-tube baby.

Okay, question number
one. "Where were you born?"

Kalamazoo, Michigan.

See how easy this is.

Just a few simple
little questions

for the guys in Research.

Number two, "Do you believe
in the Lord God almighty?"

Yes.

That's one for the big guy.

Number three.

"I am sexually
stimulated by...?"

Kip.

"Kip." Very good answer.

All right, all right,
all right, just kidding.

We don't have to use that one.

Okay, question number
four. "Complete this sentence:

I like a man who..."

Let's see.

I like a man who's happy,

smart,

sexy,

self-sufficient,

and

unpredictable.

I love a man that does crazy
things, gives me surprises.

Ta-da!

I'm so unpredictable. Heh-heh.

I'm always doing these crazy
things, you know and I'm...

I'm so full of surprises.

(sighs)

Kip.

I'm twenty-three years old.

My favorite color is blue.

I don't smoke. I like
Woody Allen movies,

and I sleep in a
T-shirt and knee socks.

Now, if you ever want to
know something about me,

just come out and ask.

Don't be afraid, okay?

Okay.

Now, I really thought
this was sweet.

Have a good day.

You too. Bye.

Sleeps in a T-shirt
and knee socks.

Her too.

Went well, did it?

Her lips touched my brow.

Wow. Heh.

I'm gonna go look
at it in the mirror.

There goes a dope.

(sighs)

So you're going out tonight
with your new boyfriend,

huh, Lilly?

Yes, just the two of us
and a Mason jar of hooch.

(laughs)

Oh, that man's a k*ller.

You mean real handsome?

No, I mean he's a k*ller.

He's a hit man? Was.

Retired now.

Nice little pension.

I'm so proud when we walk
down the street together,

me hanging onto his good arm.

You don't just like him
because of his looks.

I mean, I'm sure the two of
you must have a lot in common.

Not a whit.

He's got the brain
of a butternut squash,

but he's got a chest
you can play handball on.

See that? Everybody
judges by looks.

Oh, I know what you mean.

As a model, it happens
to me every day.

Not that I mind,
it pays the rent.

What I do resent is when
people don't look for anything else.

Well, that makes sense,
and I'd explain it to Chucky,

but it has too many syllables.

Well, I gotta go.

I'll see ya. Okay.

Uh, Henry, you know, it's...

It's really nice to meet a man

who doesn't place so
much priority on just looks.

Thank you, Isabelle.

And if only you were
taller, I'd go out with you.

Oh, you're a riot, Isabelle.

(grumbles)

All right, Mr. Big
Talk, Mr. Ideals,

let's see you put your
money where your mouth is.

All right.

Hi, Amy?

Listen, would you
like to go out tonight?

Dinner or dancing, you
know, we'll think of something?

It's me, Henry.

No, it's not a cruel joke.

Amy? Amy? All... All right,

put your head between your
knees and breathe slowly.

I-I'll pick you up
at 7. All right, 6:30.

Don't get hysterical.

All right, I'll pick you up now.

(mutters indistinctly)

(mellow dance music playing)

Thank you. Thank you.

Well, heh, here we are.

(both chuckle)

Yep.

Good beer.

Yeah, nice, cold.

(laughs)

Wet.

Amusing cocktail
napkins. Heh-heh.

Henry?

(snores)

We're here to have a good
time. Kick up our heels.

This is our night.

Boy, is that depressing.

Henry, I know why
you're doing this,

and I resent it.

What? What do
you think I'm doing?

You're forcing something
that should come naturally.

Look, I'm... I'm sorry.

I'm a little confused right now.

Oh, Henry, it's okay.

Look, why don't we just
spend the rest of the evening

as friends? No
expectations, okay?

Que sera sera.

Worked for Doris Day.

(both laugh)

She's, uh, pretty cute, huh?

Who? Oh, her? Nah.

There's nothing wrong
with being attracted

to attractive people.

That's why I like you.

Now I really don't
know what to say.

Well, try "thank you."

Thank you.

See? That was easy.

Now say "Amy, with
this ring, I thee wed."

Thank you. Heh-heh.

Pretty crowded tonight, huh?

You two mind if I take a seat?

Oh, no, we're just friends here.

I'm Amy and that's Henry.

I'm Sally.

You know, you probably
get this all the time,

but you have got
the strongest aura

I have ever seen.

Say what?

Aura.

That's the light surrounding you

which comes from
your spiritual energy.

Oh, they disconnected my aura.

I forgot to pay the bill.

That's like, impossible.

So, uh, Sally.

Yeah. You in there? Heh-heh.

Uh, what line of
work are you in?

I'm a writer. Really? Me too.

Uh, well, what do you write?

Greeting cards.

Well, some of us just have
that greeting-card mentality.

Thanks.

So, uh, Henry,
what do you write?

Fiction?

Well, I guess you could
say that. I'm in advertising.

(laughs)

(laughs)

You know, I don't eat red meat.

How about blue meat?

(laughs)

I think there's some
negative karma here.

You know, Sally, uh...

I really think you're
an attractive girl,

(chuckles)

but, uh, I don't
think we're, uh,

connecting.

I think you deserve a special,

unique kind of guy.

Maybe not tonight,
maybe not tomorrow,

but it doesn't take much sense

to know that the
problems of two little people

don't amount to a hill of
beans in this crazy world.

Here's looking at you, kid.

Thanks for being

a really up-front kind of guy.

You're welcome.

You just passed up the
surest thing in New York.

Well, sorry you missed that.

I'm not.

Well, just go on out
there and try another one.

Just find someone
you connect with.

That's a good idea.

Wanna dance?

Are you sure about this?

I'm glad to be
here with you, Amy.

You're not patronizing me?

Not a bit.

(giggles)

I really feel
comfortable with you.

This feels right. I mean...

I'm just sorry we
didn't do this sooner.

Now I don't know what to say.

Say thank you.

So, uh, when do we get married?

I said, say thank you.

You know, there's a lot
of pushiness in your aura.

Thank you.

(laughs)

Excuse me. May I cut in?

(clears throat)

She's with me.

(romantic music playing)

You know what would
make this a perfect evening?

What?

If we got outta here.

You're right.

I don't even know why
we came in the first place.

This is a sordid place for
desperate, lonely people.

Ruth.

Oh, um...

I... I guess your
car broke down...

And you need to
make a phone call.

Do you have a dime? Yeah.

Not that I owe either
of you an explanation,

but I just happen to find myself

between meaningful
relationships right now,

so I'm looking for
a tawdry, steamy,

Gothic sort of liaison.

Ruth, you're a...

You're a woman
of many surprises.

I know I'm surprised.

You understand
also that discretion

is the better part
of your paycheck.

Understood.

Gotcha.

Good night, children.

Well, hello, Mr. Goodbar.

Did anybody ever tell you

you've got a lot of
musk in your aura?

(upbeat dance music playing)

( upbeat theme playing)