01x11 - Sonny Boy

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Bosom Buddies". Aired: November 27, 1980 –; March 27, 1982.*
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Follows the misadventures of two single men, working in creative advertising, struggling in their industry while disguising themselves as women in order to live in the one apartment they could afford.
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01x11 - Sonny Boy

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ I'd like to be J. Paul Getty ♪

♪ That gig Has got potential ♪

♪ But the only thing
That's essential ♪

♪ Is having a friend Like you ♪

♪ Well, you can try
To shake me loose ♪

♪ Don't try To shake me ♪

♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ I'd like a chateau In Paris ♪

♪ There ain't no doubt
About it ♪ ♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

♪ But I can Live without it ♪

♪ If I've got A
friend like you ♪

♪ Well, you can try
To shake me loose ♪

♪ Don't try To shake me ♪

♪ You can tell me To go away ♪

♪ But it doesn't
matter What you say ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ You're stuck with me ♪

♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with me ♪
♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with ♪

♪ Oh, ohhhh ♪

♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Shake me loose ♪

♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

Can I do something
for you, boys?

Hey, how you doing?

Yeah, me and my buddy here,

we're lookin' for a room.

I'm sorry, gentlemen, this
is a hotel for women only.

Oh, wow, that's too bad.

Yeah, I'm sorry to hear that.

Well, I'll tell you what then.

How 'bout if we, uh,
just take this bag here.

Whatever you got back
there. Oh, no, that's mine!

Hey, grandma, knock it off!

Oh, my God!
Amy, call the police.

Okay, I'll be right back.
Don't do anything stupid.

Come on. Let's do
somethin' stupid.

Come on, you guys, knock it off.

You guys, will you
just get out of here.

This isn't nice.

Whoa.

This isn't nice?

This isn't nice.

Oh, wow, nobody's ever
put it to me like that before.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna go straight and
devote the rest of my life

to helpin' others.
How 'bout that?

Well, I think that's
very commendable.

He's gonna go straight
and devote his life to others.

Hey, shut up, pigface.

And gimme the bag.

If I give you the bag, will
you just get out of here

so there won't be
any more trouble?

No. No?

You make me sick!

Don't you give
that refuse a thing.

Too butch, Hildy, too
butch, way too butch.

Hey, you, why don't you listen
to thunder-thighs here, huh?

Now, you, gimme the bag! Ah!

Do you know how hard it is

to find this color in this size?

What can I say?

I got lucky.

Oh, nasty.

Hey, now yours.

That's it.

No more Mrs. Nice Guy.

Gimme that.

Let's try it without
the toys, boys.

I knew you were gonna do that.

Git!

I don't know what
came over me. I...

Gimme the pearls.

Hey, those are genuine
simulated cultured pearls.

And you are an ex-punk.

I think I broke a nail.

Taste my pump, sucker.

Hey, yo.

I never hit a broad in
my life except my mother.

But you, but you,
you're mine, horse-hips.

Oh!

What a sh*t, Buff.

Uh-oh, a punk at 6:00.

I am so scared.

Okay, okay, all
right, bubble-buns.

This is for the dress.

This is for the pearls.

This is for thunder-thighs,
this is for bubble-buns.

Buff, come on.

I want him! I want him.

Did I do that?

Gee, for a girl who was
a little hesitant at first,

you certainly came
through in a clinch. High five.

Hey, just what
were you looking at?

Ooh, ooh, girls, he's here?

Who's here?

Jesus Salazar. The reporter.

And he's here to see you.

Put on your faces.

This... This is my face.

Oh. Lucky you're
good with your fists.

Oh!

Jesus Salazar.

Hi.

We picked up the
story on the police band.

Are you two the heroines here?

Three! I'm the one
that called the cops.

Now, I know this
was a critical job,

but I kept a cool head.

Uh, it's us two right
here, just the two of us.

Just us two. Rough
women, I love it.

He touched me.

Let's clear the area.

Well, I oughta be on TV.
I was the helpless victim.

Oh, Lilly, this will help.

Good evening.

This is Jesus Salazar

at the Susan B.
Anthony Hotel for women.

Where just moments ago, two
street punks were subdued by:

Buffy Wilson, 19.

Oh, I don't think names
are necessary, do you?

Oh, she's just a
little camera shy.

Hildegarde Desmond, 28.

I smell a stupid twit.

Amy Cassidy. My
dime brought the law.

Amy, will ya get out of here.

This is a three sh*t.

Let's call it a two sh*t.

Come on.

You know, life on the
streets can be tough.

I know, I'm from the streets.

My b*at is the streets.

Let's face it, folks,
I am the streets.

Which is what I told Jackie
O at Capote's party last night.

Which, by the way, you're
gonna see on my new special:

The Streets, My b*at.

♪ Do-dah, do-dah ♪

Well, Jesus, let me tell you in
my own words what happened.

Buff, we've had a hectic
day. We're so overheated.

Let's get upstairs and take
a couple of things off, huh?

What do ya say?
Jesus, can we get those

little black squares
to cover our eyes?

Come on.

Now I want our audience to
see two very brave young women.

Three. Yes, I
did call the police.

It was me.

America, look at them.

America? Mm-hm.

You mean, like, all America,

like, from-sea-
to-shining-sea America?

From the mountains to
the prairies, including Ohio.

You get the picture, k*ller?

Uh, can we turn off this...?

Can you...? Can...?
Can we make this stop?

Mister, take your
finger off the button.

This is Jesus Salazar reporting.

Good night and have a nice day.

Thank you, Jesus.

Now the reason
it was so critical

that I called the police was
because if I hadn't called

the police, they would
have gotten away...

♪ For they are
Jolly good ladies ♪

♪ For they are
Jolly good ladies ♪

♪ For they are
Jolly good ladies ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪

I can.

Oh, that's sweet.

That's so sweet of
you all except for Amy.

You know, I think I
speak for everyone here

when I say how proud
we are to have Buffy

and Hildegarde living
with us here at the hotel.

Speech.

Wait. First the presentation.

Well, we were going
to get you a plaque,

but we decided on a
more practical present.

A canned ham. Boneless.

We decided to say it with pork.

This... It... You...

Excuse me. I have a
little something in my eye.

I think it's her heart.

This... This is the
happiest moment of my life.

The telegrams,
the Almond Roca...

the Hormel.

I don't know, ladies,
color me touched.

This is so sweet of...

Of each and every one
of you, except for Amy. I...

Oh!

I don't know how this
could be any better.

Even my mother is here.

Hi, Mrs. Desmond.

We got a ham.

Okay. Here you go, Mrs.
D. I got you a Pamprin.

Okay.

I guess I have some
explaining to do, right, Mom?

Henry, imagine your
father and I last evening.

I was addressing
envelopes for the club,

and we turned on
The Street, My b*at.

Boy, I bet you must have
been surprised when the...

Boy, I bet you must
have been really surprised

when those two
young ladies turned out

to be me and Henry,
huh? Ha, ha, ha.

Kip!

Okay.

I wasn't fond of you as a boy.

I didn't much like you as a man.

I like you even less as a woman.

Yes, Mrs. Desmond.

Now, Henry, uh,

if you and I are going to
have a mother and son talk,

you must take off that dress.

Mom, uh, I tell ya, I'm
a little embarrassed,

uh, changing in front of you.

Peel!

Uh, if you're uncomfortable,
I-I can change too.

W-would you like me to
change, Mrs. Desmond?

Yes, I want you to
change into a frog.

Okay.

Oh, Lord.

That a mother
should live to see this.

This was all your
idea, right, Wilson?

It's not fair!

I always get blamed
for everything!

Everything! I'm a nice boy!

Sonny, can I borrow
some nail polish?

Happy? Okay?

Mom, listen,

there's nothing to worry about.

See?

My son takes off his wig.

Now everything's okay.

Mom, I'm okay.

I'm healthy, right?

This apartment just... Just
turned out to be a great deal,

that's all.

Okay, I have to dress

as a woman to get in, all right.

But it... But it's
only $200 a month.

Besides...

Henry, what do you say
when you go into a store

to buy a bra?

Well, frankly, I say,
"It's for my mother."

Henry.

What happened?

Didn't I become a den mother?

Henry, I hated those
other little children,

but I did it.

All for you.

And didn't I drive you and Cindy
Abrams on your first big date?

Mom, my first big
date was the prom.

I was 17. You coulda
lent me the Buick.

Oh.

Oh, now it's beginning
to make sense.

I should have let you
go all the way with Cindy.

Let her mother worry.

Whoa, Mom, I did go all...

Well, there's nothing to
worry about on that account.

And, uh, Mom, I love you
very much, really, I, uh...

This is... This is just where
I want to live right now.

It doesn't... Doesn't make
sense to me all the time, but...

But I'm happy.

Isn't that something?

Henry, I can't tell
you what to do.

Lord knows I've
tried often enough,

but ultimately it's up to you.

You're old enough
to do what you want.

But, son, I can't be part of it.

Hello.

Hey, it's a dog-day
afternoon, ace.

I got you one with onions and
a kraut dog and a diet soda.

Oh, thanks, but I
got a lunch date.

Oh, ho!

With my mom.

Oh, ho.

She wants me to
meet her at the hotel.

Mmmm.

Confrontation time? Hmm?

Little straight talk over
fish sticks and green Jell-O?

Yeah, I'll take a kraut.

Figured you would.

What do you think she wants?

She wants me to move.

Maybe she wants to give
you some makeup hints, huh?

Probably not.

Everybody wants to please
their mother, you know.

Ain't that the truth?

Get good grades,
make your mom happy.

Don't drop fly balls,
make your dad happy.

Simple as that.

It's when lingerie enters
the picture that things get

a mite complex. Yeah.

You remember when, uh, I
told my mom that I didn't want

to go to med school?

That I wanted to
do the art thing.

Ooh. Man, did she go crazy.

Went out and started
mowing the lawn.

Mowed the lawn from August
fourth to September eighth.

By the time she was done,

all we had was
this little jockey

holding a lantern on
this big spot of brown dirt.

Point?

Oh, you want a
point to that story?

Oh, okay, I got a
point to that story.

If you're going to break
your mother's heart,

do it in the wintertime.

Never mind, that's
a stupid point.

That's a real dumb point.

I wasn't gonna say anything.

Kip, I don't wanna
hurt my mother.

And I'm in a lousy position.

Look, Henry, if it'll
help your position at all,

uh, don't worry about me.

Hey, 'cause whatever
you want is okay by me.

You wanna move, let's move.

You wanna stay, we'll
stay. We'll wear dresses.

You wanna put weasels up
your nose, get French tattoos,

all these things are okay by me.

What's a French tattoo?

It's a little escargot
they put right there.

No.

I just want you to know
that, uh, I'm in this with you.

I know.

You're gonna be
late for your mom.

Do me a favor, though.

Take the onion dog. You're
gonna need your strength.

Thanks.

Hey, have I ever told you
I think you're a boss guy?

Ha! You tell me all the time.

You whisper it in your sleep.

I talk in my sleep?

Uh-huh.

What else do I say?

Well, you're always just
about to drift off when you say:

♪ Here I come To save the day ♪

Uh, Mom, you didn't tell
me we'd have company.

Henry, this is Leon Pintzuk.

Henry. Hi.

Well, why don't
we all just chat?

Uh, Mom, who's Leon?

An old friend.

Yeah, we just happened
to bump into each other.

Who gets the fish
sticks and Jell-O?

I'm sure I do.

Thanks, Mom.

Your mom tells me you just
moved to New York a year ago.

Yeah.

Your mom also tells me that
the cultural shock of this large

metropolis has
brought on certain

socio-behavioral dysfunctions.

Leon, let me take a
sh*t in the dark here, uh,

you're not by any
chance a master

of the horizontal interview?

Shall we say a psychiatrist?

Well, I guess my cover's blown.

So let's talk about yours.

Hildy.

Henry, I'm sorry.
I was scared silly.

I had to call someone.

I did the right
thing, didn't I, Leon?

Well, what do you
think, Marjorie?

That's what I... I think.

And what do you think, Henry?

I don't think so.

Well, it seems to me

that the two of you
are disagreeing.

I'd like a Rob Roy, please.

Anything for you, Leon?

Oh, no thanks, Marjorie.

Do you always drink
when you're upset?

No.

I might have an occasional
cocktail at a social gathering.

Do you consider this
a social gathering?

Do you always chew
gum when you talk?

No.

Does it bother you?

Do you think it
should bother me?

Would it concern
you if I were bothered?

No. Three down,
four to go. Arlene.

I just think it's curious
that she resorts to alcohol.

What she? This is my mother

you're talking about
here, headshrink.

You're angry, I can
see that. I'm a doctor.

Are you wearing women's
underwear now, Hildy?

Of course not.

Henry, tell him,
"Of course not."

Well, uh...

Let me see: dress, elevator,
I changed in the subway.

I don't know. Sometimes
you rush. Maybe.

Now, about your drinking.

Hold on.

You can dissect my libido,
doc, be my guest, but you're not

gonna put my mom
under the microscope.

I'm the sicko here, not you.

Very well said, Henry,

and I... I don't
think you're a sicko.

We don't need you at all, Leon.

We're fine.

We're just fine.

You mean that, Mom?

Absolutely.

Well, whatever you say.

But if you ask me,
you're a couple

of Mount Saint
Helens ready to erupt.

We'll take that chance.

No! Boxers.

That's my boy!

Ah, look at all that love.

I've done it again.

God, I'm good.

Thanks for stickin'
up for me, Winky.

You know I hate "Winky."

Call me Winky.

Winky, I want you to move.

All right. For you.

No, I take it back.

You stay.

Okay.

Listen, you do what
makes you happy.

I trust you.

I always have.

You understand?

Not if I live to
be older than dirt.

But I love you, Winky.

And sometimes that's enough.

I love you too, Mom.

Extra, extra, read all about it!

Two big women
b*at up two little guys.

Look at this. We made
the papers, Page 17.

What do you think of
your son now, Mrs. D?

Kip.

Ahhhh, "Two musclebound women."

Hold on, Kip.

"Miss Desmond bears
a striking resemblance

to Rosemary Clooney."

Kip!

'Kay.

Come on, Mom, I'll
show you New York.

Let's take the number
one train to Staten Island.

"Miss Desmond's
cohort in crime busting,

Miss Muffy Wilson..."

Muffy!? Muffy Wilson!?
It's Buffy, you jerks!

Oh. Tabloid journalism.
Tabloid journalism.

I want a correction.
I want a retraction.

I want a picture on
Page 6 by next week.

Muffy Wilson...

Will you two come on.

I don't believe you.

It was only a movie.

I promise myself I'll never
see another scary movie again.

I thought I was going to die

when that little
girl walked up that

creaky staircase and
then they cut off her feet

and still she walked.

I didn't mind her walking up
the staircase without any feet.

What bothered me was
when that hatchet came down

and split her in half.

And still she walked. Ooh!

You know, you two
girls have got to learn

to separate reality
from fantasy.

Well, Izzy, when they're
kissing and her face exploded...

Yeah. I thought I
was going to have

to separate myself
from my popcorn.

Hey, guys, maybe
tonight's a good night

for that marathon Monopoly game.

Yeah!

No, no, I'm gonna
catch some Z's.

What a couple of sissies.

You go first. I'm
not going first.

I said go first.

Who is it?

It's Isabelle.

Can I be the banker?

Wha...!?
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