01x16 - The Show Must Go On

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Bosom Buddies". Aired: November 27, 1980 –; March 27, 1982.*
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Follows the misadventures of two single men, working in creative advertising, struggling in their industry while disguising themselves as women in order to live in the one apartment they could afford.
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01x16 - The Show Must Go On

Post by bunniefuu »

When we first moved to New York,

we had a great apartment
that was dirt cheap.

And we found out
why it was so cheap.

Our friend Amy, said there was

a great apartment
in her building.

Dirt cheap.

But it's a hotel for women.

Okay, we made one adjustment.

Now these other ladies know
us as Buffy and Hildegarde.

But they also know
us as Kip and Henry,

Buffy and Hildy's brothers.

I am, uh, crazy about
the blonde. Heh heh.

This experience is
gonna make a great book.

See, it's all perfectly normal.

♪ I'd like to be J. Paul Getty ♪

♪ That gig Has got potential ♪

♪ But the only thing
That's essential ♪

♪ Is having a friend Like you ♪

♪ Well, you can try
To shake me loose ♪

♪ Don't try To shake me ♪

♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ I'm stickin' Around
♪ ♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Try to shake me loose ♪

♪ Don't try To shake me ♪

♪ And you can leave If
you've got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ Try to shake me loose ♪

♪ You can tell me to go away ♪

♪ But it doesn't
matter What you say ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

I really want to thank you

for being such a
swell audience, really.

You are a beautiful
bunch of people,

and I'm not just
kissing up to you, either.

I'm slobbering all over
you is what I'm doing.

'Cause unlike a
lot of other comics,

I have no act and I have
no life and I have no future.

Anyway, my mother is
Gumby, my father is Pokey

and I'm Mr. Potato Head,
so things are going real well.

And I'm, I'm not just
saying that, either.

I'm also typing it.

I have a stenographer
in my pants.

Hit it.

I'm gonna close with a song now,

'cause I am totally
out of material.

Okay? Hey.

♪ Start spreading the news ♪

♪ I'm leaving today ♪

♪ I wanna be a part of it ♪

Uh, N... New York,
New York. That's right.

♪ These vagabond shoes ♪

♪ Are longing to stray ♪

♪ And dance around
The heart of it ♪

♪ New York, New York ♪

♪ I wanna wake up In
the city that doesn't sleep ♪

♪ To find I'm king of the hill ♪

♪ Top of the list ♪

♪ Cream of the crop
And the top of the heap ♪

♪ These little town blues ♪

♪ Are melting away ♪

♪ I'll make a brand new
start of it in old New York ♪

♪ If I can make it there ♪

♪ I'd make it anywhere ♪

♪ It's up to you New
York, New York ♪

Thank you. Thank you.

You're very, very good.

Very good.

Very good.

You're... You're like,
better than me, okay?

You're not better than me,
but you're like better than me.

Well, I'm, uh, I'm like
real depressed now.

I'm gonna go home and put
a stereo in my pants, okay,

so thank you very much.

You've been very
nice. Thank you.

That was incredible, Isabelle.

Like was that Isabelle,
or was it Memorex?

Come on, Izzy, this wasn't
your first time, was it?

No, but I don't usually have

this big an audience
in the shower.

Three, four, tops.

You showered with the Four Tops?

You know, Isabelle,
you... You could be big.

I mean, you could
be boffo at the B.O.

Billions of billions of beings
from all over the cosmos

would come to hear you,
because you are star stuff.

I mean that.

Look, I was just messing around.

I don't really take
this seriously.

Oh, really?

Is that why you've been
taking singing lessons

for the past ten years? Hmm?

And is that why when we
made that record at Coney Island,

you brought your
own arrangements?

Okay, look, I did it.

It was nice.

It's over.

Can you sit there and tell us
you don't want to be a singer?

Sure, I can.

But I'd be lyin'.

I want it and I want it bad.

Well, Isabelle, if you want it,

we're the guys
to get it for you.

You two?

Watch us work.

Uh, uh, yo, um... Wait a minute.

Uh, what is this all of a
sudden, Fantasy Island?

It's the boss, the boss.

He owns the whole island.

Come on, we'll talk to him.

Hello, sir, my name
is Henry Desmond,

and this is my
associate Kip Wilson.

We really enjoyed
the show tonight.

Yeah, I'm Budd Shore.

Thank you and b*at it.

Well, Budd, I can see you're
one of those people kind of people.

We happen to represent, in a
way, Miss Isabelle Hammond,

the little lady who just
brought down your house.

Just leave me alone.

I don't need talent.

What I need is kitchen help
that doesn't rob me blind.

Now get out.

Out! Out! Out!

Uh, I think we got him
where we want him.

Budd, let's confab
for a minute here.

Here's what's on
our minds, okay?

Look at those two guys.

Now those are real friends.

You're telling me.

True blue.

Yeah, and Henry's
got a great bod.

Kip's is not bad either.

He turns me on.

Since when?

Well, whatta you know?

One vodka gimlet
and I can be had.

Oh...

Good thing it wasn't
a Harvey Wallbanger.

Ha, ha, ha.

Isabelle? Yeah.

You perform here
a week from tonight.

I don't believe it.

I just don't believe...

Oh, how did you do that?

Hey, boys, here are your aprons.

You're gonna make
marvelous bus boys.

Uh, just remember this, a lot
of these fries can be used again.

Are you done with these? Yeah.

Okay, great, we really gotta...

Who is it? Who is it?

It's Amy.

Come on in. Come on in.

All right, you guys.

I got everything under control.

I told Sonny and Isabelle
that the girls were sick,

and they couldn't
make it tonight, okay?

Good.

Who is it? Who is it?

Girls, it's us.

Can we come in?

We've already had the mumps.

Mumps? Why did you say mumps?

I don't know. It's such a
cute sounding disease.

Here, shove this in your mouth.

You know, mumps,
mumps, mumps, mumps.

Sounds like something
the Muppets would get.

Sounds like something that
would make Kermit the Frog sterile.

Are you ready?

No, no, no. Wait, wait.

All right.

Okay, come in. Hi.

Oh my gosh!

You girls got it real bad.

Oh, see the poor babies.

Is it very painful?

Oh, no.

Funny thing is, though,
I don't have any spit.

Are you sure you
two can't make it?

Oh, it'd mean so much to see

those puffy, swollen
little faces there.

Well, our puffy, swollen
little spirits will be there.

Uh... excuse me, it's my
gagging response acting up.

You know, tonight is the
most exciting night of my life,

and I owe it all to...

Kip and Henry... And we
should never forget that.

Is my back-up group ready?

Are you kidding?

The Pale Pips?

Comma comma down...

Down do be do down
down, comma comma.

Obviously the comma comma
makes more sense if you put it...

Amy, you comma it down.

I am just too slick.

Hey, could I borrow that
new belt of yours tonight?

You ask me a favor like this
on my daughter's wedding day?

I don't understand you.

You show such disrespect.

That's my favorite belt.

They named a parkway after me.

Bel Poco.

Hey, Santino,
what are you doing?

I want to thank you guys for
being such a responsive crowd.

Really.

I'm gonna have a seance now
to bring back my career, okay?

Just put that anywhere.

That's no problem, here.

Just make as much
noise as you want.

Oh, hey, Ruth, hey, how are ya?

Listen, you gotta try
the barbecued beef ribs.

They're just fabulous.

Ice cream is good, too. Okay.

Uh, Kip, I'd like you to
meet my friend Roger.

Roger is an actor and... a ten.

Roger, how do you do?

Pleasure to meet you.

Pleasure to meet you.

Haven't I seen you
in... In something?

Uh, nothing yet.

I almost was the
Incredible Hulk...

but I did a little
Molière play instead.

Excuse me.

I'm gonna go check it out.

Okay.

Uh, yes, yes, I know,
he's not exactly my type,

but, actually we have
quite a lot in common.

He just loves his
body, and so do I.

I... I hope you don't
find me shallow, Kip.

Ruth, there is nothing wrong
with having a relationship

based solely on
physical attraction,

and certain animal instincts.

Well, Kippy, thank you.

That's... That's
very refreshing.

God bless your
little black heart.

Can we sit anywhere?

Uh, no, I have a table
reserved for you right here.

All right. Just sit on down.

Uh... Roger. Roget.

Thanks for comin', Ruth.

My pleasure. Alceste.

Don't eat anything too heavy.

I think we'll be leaving soon.

All right. Get up there. You
gotta introduce the singer.

Well, what about the emcee?

That ungrateful thief!

I caught him trying
to sneak away,

with this stuck in his boot.

I hope they hang him.

It's the last time
I hire my brother.

Okay, so the topper
for the whole bit,

the goat just explodes...

Okay, let's hear it for
him, ladies and gentlemen,

Bob the Comic.

Thanks, Bob.

A stunner... Hey, what
a crowd this is... really.

Yeah, do you feel good?

Yeah! Yeah, do
you feel all right?

Do you know the
capitol of Yugoslavia?

Belgrade!

Well, he's with me. Heh heh.

Give the Marine a crock pot.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Budd Shore's Spotlight Room

is pleased, proud and
otherwise overly concerned

to present for your
entertainment tonight,

the incredible Issettes!

♪ Down, dooby doo down down ♪

♪ Comma Comma Down
dooby doo down down ♪

♪ Breakin' up is hard to
do... Make it funky now! ♪

♪ Down dooby doo down down ♪

Yeah, we're gonna make it
funky, we're gonna make it crazy,

we're gonna make
it absolutely insane.

With the singer for
the nineteen eighties,

the one, the only,
Isabelle Hammond!

♪ Breakin' up is hard to... ♪

Make it funky!

♪ New York, New York ♪

Well, that was nice.

Shall we go? Yes.

Heh. We're gonna
take a short break here,

and, heh... We'll be right back.

All right! All right!

Let's say I wanna do
the second show, right?

What's in it for me?

What's in it for Budd?

A hearty hand shake and a
heartfelt thank you, Mr. Shore.

I'm very sorry. I
don't touch the help.

But, you happen to be in luck.

The dishwasher just walked
out on me after fourteen years.

She was a lousy dishwasher,
and a worse mother.

Say, Budd? Yes.

You are the Sister Mary Theresa
of the show business world.

I want you to know that.

Oh, thank you so much.

Writer, busboy, dishwasher.

Yes, I'm a Renaissance man.

No problem here.

Well, you guys...
You guys, really...

You made me feel at
home, and I was raised

in an orphanage, okay, so...
Thanks a lot and drive safely.

Yes, yes, Bob the Comic,
ladies and gentlemen,

let's hear it for him.

Yes, Bob the Comic once again,

saving his best
material just for us.

Do you feel good?

Do you feel all right?

That's good enough.

Listen, uh, we hate to
interrupt your dinner again,

but, hit it, Rosey.

That's right.

Once again Budd Shore's fabulous
Spotlight Room is pleased and

proud to announce the
fabulous, fabulous Isettes.

♪ Down dooby doo down down ♪

♪ Comma comma Down
dooby doo down down ♪

♪ Breakin' up is hard to
do Make it funky now. ♪

♪ Down dooby doo down down ♪

We're gonna make it funky
one more time with the incredible,

the fabulous, the conscious,
Miss Isabelle Hammond.

♪ Breakin' up is hard to do ♪

♪ Make it funky, Izz! ♪

♪ Down dooby doo down down ♪

♪ Where'd she go to? ♪

♪ Down dooby doo down down ♪

♪ She's unconscious ♪

♪ Down dooby doo down down ♪

So, how do you like it so far?

She's okay. Okay, fine.

Bob the Comic, ladies,
let's bring him back out here.

Thank you very much.

I didn't think I'd
be back so soon.

I forgot to tell you, you
look like my cousin Ramone.

You really do. Ramon's a
guy, he's a friend of mine.

He has peat moss
all over his body.

I am b*at.

Yeah.

Hey, Izzy.

Hi, guys.

How're ya doin', Isabelle?

Uh, not too...

Hey, I'm some kinda singer, huh?

Got an idea for an encore.

Go up, and set myself on fire.

Hey, come on,
Isabelle, cut it out.

Oh, Henry, I'm so disappointed.

I know.

I mean, I never
got to finish my act.

Barely got a chance to start it.

Let's face it, guys, it
was not a great night.

Oh, now, come on. Shake it off.

It was just a case of bad
luck, nothing more than that.

Bad luck?

Honey, it was fate.

I mean, it's obviously
not meant to be.

I appreciate everything
you two have done for me,

but I can take a hint... Or two.

Anyway, it's... It's just
not important anymore.

I just want to get my
clothes on and get outta here!

All right, if that's
what you want.

That's not what she wants.

Yes, it is.

Henry, I made a
fool outta myself.

I'm not stupid.

I'm not a masochist,

and I'm certainly
not gonna put myself

through that again.

I wish you would.

Thanks.

Isabelle, you wanna
know humiliation?

Well, I wanna tell you.

I once did, uh, this
pantomime piece,

in front of my entire
junior high school.

It went a little
something like this.

I remember that.

It was humiliating.

Then I... I froze up there,
like a giant creamsicle.

Finally a teacher had to come
up and carry me off like a baby.

The only regret I have is that
I didn't get up and try it again,

because I know I
could've been terrific.

I could have.

Isabelle, you're too good

to have an 'I could have'
hanging over your head.

You've gotta find out,
one way or another.

I don't know.

♪ Comma comma, Down
dooby doo down down ♪

♪ Comma comma, down
dooby Doo down down ♪

♪ Comma comma, Down
dooby doo down down ♪

♪ Breakin' up is hard to do ♪

Make it funky, Isabelle!

Okay, okay, look,
I'll try it again.

But this time, I'm not
workin' without a net.

Atta girl.

Come on. Let's go talk to Budd.

I'm sure there's other
things around here,

we could be doing for him.

I hope the bathroom's
in good shape.

Gonna come, Hank Boy?

Yeah, yeah, in a
minute. All right.

Students of Stephen A.
Halsey Junior High School,

a pantomime piece:

The First Kiss.

You gotta congratulate me.

I just moved into
a brand new place.

I bought a U-Haul.

It might not seem like
a big deal to you now,

but up to this point, I've
been living in a Moped.

Okay?

Thank you very
much. You've been...

You've been very, very
nice. Good night. Thank you.

Let's see your girl
follow that, okay?

Okay, let's hear
it for the comic.

It's okay, folks, rubber gloves.

Hit it, Rosey.

Yeah, they're back.

♪ Down dooby doo down down ♪

♪ Comma comma Down
dooby doo down down ♪

♪ Breakin' up is hard
to do Make it funky, Izz ♪

Would you excuse
us for just a minute?

Rosey, would you
take it down a little?

♪ You tell me that
You're leaving ♪

♪ I can't believe it's true ♪

♪ Boy, there's just
no livin' Without you ♪

♪ Don't take your love ♪

♪ Away from me ♪

♪ Don't you leave
my heart In misery ♪

♪ 'Cause if you go,
Then I'll be blue ♪

♪ Breakin' up is hard to do ♪

♪ Ooh... Ooh ♪

♪ They say that
Breakin' up is hard to do ♪

♪ Ooh... Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh... Ooh ♪

♪ Now I know, I
know that it's true ♪

♪ Don't say that
This is the end ♪

♪ Instead of breakin' up ♪

♪ I wish that we were
Makin' up again ♪

♪ Oh, I beg of you ♪

♪ Don't say goodbye ♪

♪ Can't we give our
love Just one more try? ♪

♪ Come on, baby,
let's start anew ♪

♪ 'Cause breakin' up
Is hard to do... Oooh ♪

♪ Breakin' up is
Oh so hard to do ♪

♪ Oooohhhhh ♪

Oh, thank you.

You are beautiful.

Thank you.

Uh, before we do another number,

there are two very special
people who I'd like to thank,

because without 'em,
I just could not have

gotten through the evening.

Hey, that was worth it.

Ladies and gentlemen, Amy
Cassidy and Sonny Lumet.

Some folks get big, they
forget the little people.

Oh, and how could I possibly
forget my pianist, Bob Rosario!

All right!

Some folks kick the little
people right in the teeth.

Oh, could you just excuse
me for just a minute?

I'll be right back.

Come on, you two.

And most important,

two people who sacrificed a lot,

my managers Henry
Desmond and Kip Wilson,

and I should never forget that.

Thank you, guys.

Thank you.

Oh, come on.

Thank you.

There's... There's really
only one thing we'd like to say.

Who had the Monte
Cristo on whole wheat?

I've got two desserts left,
tapioca and green jello.
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