01x17 - The Hospital

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Bosom Buddies". Aired: November 27, 1980 –; March 27, 1982.*
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Follows the misadventures of two single men, working in creative advertising, struggling in their industry while disguising themselves as women in order to live in the one apartment they could afford.
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01x17 - The Hospital

Post by bunniefuu »

When we moved to New York

we had a great apartment
that was dirt cheap.

And we found out
why it was so cheap.

Our friend Amy said there was

a great apartment
in her building...

Dirt cheap. But it's
a hotel for women.

Okay, we made one adjustment.

Now these other ladies know
us as Buffy and Hildegarde.

But they also know
us as Kip and Henry,

Buffy and Hildy's brothers.

I am, uh, crazy about
the blond, heh, heh.

This experience is
gonna make a great book.

See, it's all perfectly normal.

♪ I'd like to be J. Paul Getty ♪

♪ That gig Has got potential ♪

♪ But the only thing
That's essential ♪

♪ Is having a friend Like you ♪

♪ Well, you can try
To shake me loose ♪

♪ Don't try To shake me ♪

♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ You're stuck with me ♪
♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with me ♪
♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with ♪

♪ Oh, ohhhh ♪

♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Don't try to shake me ♪

♪ And you can leave
If you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Ohhh ♪

♪ You can tell me To go away ♪

♪ But it doesn't
matter What you say ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

This is the strongest sick
woman I ever met in my life.

I'll be right back,
come on out here.

I don't have time for this.

Oh, poor Sonny.

That flu epidemic hit the
hospital pretty hard, huh?

Doctors are sick,
half the nurses

and most of the Candy Stripers.

Amy, I need volunteers.

Well, I can't. I promised
I'd watch the desk.

Who can I get? I
need Candy Stripers.

How about that girl?

Girls, you're perfect.

I desperately need Candy
Stripers at the hospital.

You know, to pass out
magazines, fluff pillows.

You know, Sonny,

we want to sincerely say
that we would do anything...

Anything.
- -to help sick people,

but tonight's our
bowling league.

You can bowl while
people are suffering?

Not normally, but tonight's

two-for-one beer night.

Woman, look, are you
gonna go peaceful-like,

or do we duke it out?

I'm not goin' to the hospital.

There are too many
sick people there.

Okay, you need volunteers.

But to force an old lady and
make her do unnatural things

against her... No, no.

Lilly is going to the
hospital to run some tests.

They think Lilly
might have mono.

Mono?

Nucleosis?

The kissing disease?

Lord knows I'm due.

Quit breathin' on me.

Come on, I gotta
getcha to the hospital.

But I'll be all by myself.

Nonsense, Lilly, I'll be there

and Buffy and Hildy will
be there to fluff your pillow.

Huh, I just got my ball buffed.

Well, if I could just
see a few familiar faces.

A person feels so
much more comfortable

if she's surrounded
by loved ones.

Well, Lilly, we'd love to but...

oh, golly, oh, gosh, oh, gee,

oh, heck, oh, darn.

Oh, euphemism,
oh, expletive deleted.

They'll do it.

I knew they would.

Of course they'll do it.

Why do I sense
that in 45 minutes

I'll be fluffing my brains out?

So put your stuff
away and I'll see ya

at the hospital in 20 minutes.

Thanks.

Okay, Sonny. Twenty minutes.

Oh, thank you, girls,

and look on the
bright side of it.

They're not looking
for organ donors.

I wouldn't touch that line.

Sonny, how are ya?

Ha, Jim, how do you
always know it's me?

I smell your perfume.

I listen to your footsteps.

And most of all,
when you walk in

I get very, very warm.

Hush. Now I'm gonna take
your temperature so open wide.

That's a boy.

You know, I've changed my mind.

I want my appendix back.

Too late.

It was adopted
by a lovely couple

who couldn't have an
appendix of their own.

Sonny, tell me
what you look like.

You smell like a knockout.

Well... my hair is
kind of dullish brown

like my eyes and I'm real tall.

Sort of tomboyish.

Let's face it, Jim,

I'm built like a french fry.

So... are you still interested?

Yeah.

Let's say Saturday night
we'll go hear a movie together.

You have to be careful
about these things.

This is a hospital.

I thought it was a light switch.

It said in great big
letters, "respirator."

Well, it brought him
out of his coma, didn't it?

It just... It just
broke my heart

to tell him Eisenhower was dead.

Hi, uh...

magazines, candy,
expert pillow fluffing?

Jim, I'd like you to meet

Buffy and Hildegarde.

Hi.

Oh, pleased to meet you.

Well, it's nice
to meet you, Jim.

Would you like a magazine?

No, he wouldn't.

Oh, well, how about an
Enquirer? Look at this:

"Psychic predicts disco aliens

"will win World Series." Ha, ha.

Actually, I'm just kidding.

It's just another cover
story on Eric Estrada, see?

He can't see.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Jim's blind.

Oh, I-I fe... I-I'm
so sorry. Sorry.

You're sorry?

I'm blind, and I can't sing.

Loosen up.

That was a joke.

Oh, a joke.

We didn't get it.

Oh, Sonny, thank
goodness I've found you.

Don't tell me it's
your TV again.

Yes.

It's affecting Wink Martindale.

He looks all green and squiggly.

The only one I can
get clear is Gomer Pyle,

and he talks funny.

He also walks funny.

All right, let me
see what I can do.

You girls keep Jim company.

Come on.

He got tapioca.

I didn't get tapioca.

Don't push me, Lilly.

I've got a lot of real
cold thermometers.

Listen to me.

I can make your life
very uncomfortable.

So, um...

Jim.

How, how long
have you been, uh...

Blind?

Yeah.

Since I was five.

Uh, how long have you two
been dressing up like women?

How long have you been
doing comedy in bed?

What a silly thing
for you to say.

How long have you
been on pain pills?

Ha, ha, too much
tapioca for you.

Look, I don't
care. I don't care.

My attitude is
live and let live.

But, but don't try to con me.

The senses I've
got are very acute.

Well, I think they're acute too.

Uh, what, what makes
you think that we're men?

Well, the two of you
smell like Irish Spring.

Well, it's manly,
yes, but I like it too.

I told you we should
have gotten Lava.

Well, it just tears...

Look, there's a
perfectly good reason

for all this. Yeah.

Oh, of course.

Well, who would do
it for a bad reason?

But, but, believe
me, I don't care.

Great, well, that's fine.

Thank you. I love
a liberal, ha, ha.

Okay, uh, if you need
us for anything, just...

Give us a call.

Hey, hey, you guys...
You guys know Sonny,

don't you?

Yeah, we know Sonny. Yeah.

Sure we do.

What are my chances with her?

Uh, well, to tell you the truth,

Jim, uh, zero, zilch.

Gotta tell you something
about Sonny, uh...

she's mine.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Are you guys married?

Well... No.

Engaged?

Well... No.

Uh, going steady?

Well... Nah!

Have you met?

Don't look for help from me.

Let's just say that...
That Sonny and I

have an, uh, understanding.

Ah-hah.

Well, let's just say that Sonny

is as free as a bird,

and may the best man win.

Said and done,
and I'll prove to you

that Buffy Wilson
is the better man.

Feel that grip there, huh?

I think you showed him, Buff.

Come on. We'll check
back with you later, Jim.

Anytime, girls.

Same to you, Buffy.

How did he do that?
Did you see that?

How did he do that?

No... Ah.

Hi Amy.

All right, you guys,
come on, knock it off.

Come on, really.

Oh, grow up.

Do you want me to
help you out here, Amy?

No, no, I'm fine.

I can handle this.

Hi, Amy.

Tell Lilly to take
her time... Aah!

Okay, Ruby, that's it.

You just blew a gold star.

Amy, why are you
being so stubborn?

I can handle this if
you just ask me to.

Isabelle, I don't
want your help.

I don't need your help.

I'm not gonna take your help.

I have got everything
under control.

Hey!

Oh, come on. Very funny, guys.

"It was almost dawn when
Celeste knocked on Daniel's door.

"She knew he would be leading
his battalion against the Turks

"before the day was through.

"She wanted to give
him a beautiful memory

"to carry into battle.

"Her dress fell to the floor
as Daniel began to gently..."

Jim.

I can't read this.

Come on, Sonny.

They don't print
this stuff in Braille.

Well, why don't we just talk?

Jim... I like what
you're sayin'.

Sonny, I don't want
to leave on Tuesday.

Maybe the doctors can find
something else wrong with me.

There's nothing wrong with you.

Oh, please, Sonny,

tell me I'm not about
to kiss your elbow.

You're not even close.

Man, I tell ya. That
Jim is one lucky guy.

Jim is lucky?

He no can see, Cisco.

The guy's blind.

He's a bad risk at Indy 500.

Exactly.

Now how am I supposed
to compete with that?

Why don't you start by telling
Sonny you're in the race?

I mean, I think you
should tell her how you feel.

Take it from there.

Hey, now that is not a bad idea.

You just might have
something there, Pancho.

I mean, I could come
completely straight with her.

Tell her how I
became Buffy Wilson

just to be near her,
lo these many months.

Kip. Honest Kip.

Uh, Kip of a Thousand
Faces. I don't know.

A very interesting idea.

All right, I'll tell you
what. Tell you what.

Let's do a little
psychodrama here.

I'll be the drama.
You be the psycho.

What are you talking about?

I'll play Sonny
while you tell her

about your curious
relationship with Buffy Wilson.

All right.

Okay, go ahead, you start.

Mmm.

Brew.

Sonny...

Ha, Sonny, Sonny, Sonny...

Kip, I hate that. I always did.

'Kay.

I hate that, too.

All right.

I have masqueraded as a woman

just to be near you.

I don't get it. Why
would you do that?

Don't you see? I-I've
been doing it for months.

I am Buffy Wilson.

You are Buffy Wilson?

Yes. Don't you see?

Don't you see?

Now, I want you to think
about all of the indignities

and humiliations I
have suffered through.

I want you to think about that.

Think about all the times
you saw me in my P.J.s,

or less.

I never saw you in
anything less than your P.J.s.

Quite a peep show
for you, you pervert.

And all the times I
confided secrets in you.

B-But I did it just
to be near you.

Don't you see that?

You're despicable.

But I... But I'm
crazy about you!

Kip, you make me sick.

Then let's calm down.
Let's just calm down.

Lets just... You pig.

You hit me.

You animal... Unh!

I just hit the only
woman I loved.

What have I done?

I'm becoming
another Jake LaMotta.

I'm not an animal.

I'm not an animal.
I'm not an animal.

Pal, it's all right.

Psychodrama's over, okay?

Back to earth, heh-heh.

I guess honesty is out, huh?

No, honesty's fine.
Honesty's good.

Total revelation is dangerous.

Yeah, I'm, I'm hip to that now.

Listen, I think you
oughta tell the people

who really matter to you
how you feel about them.

Otherwise, they may never
know how much you care.

But don't you think Sonny knows?

Maybe.

But why take a chance?

I think you oughta
tell her how you feel

and take it from there.

And then she'll marry me?

I don't know. Let's act it out.

Sonny, will you
marry me? I love you.

Kip, if you and the Elephant Man

were the last two men on earth,

you still wouldn't
have a chance.

Sonny, I... Oh.

I was hoping we could talk,

but maybe sometime
when we could be alone.

No, it's okay.

We... We kind of are alone.

Mr. Carrero doesn't
speak any English.

Greetings to you.

I am Joachim Carrero,
native of Portugal.

Sounds like English to me.

I have goats in my pants.

I am glad. I am glad-o.

Ahem, Sonny,

I was, uh, hoping to
talk to you about, uh,

well, about you and me, heh-heh.

Not that there is a
you and a me... ha, ha.

I mean, there certainly is a you

and there certainly is a me,

but there's not a
you and a me, uh...

Are you Portuguese too?

Sonny, I... Uh, to be continued.

Sonny, I was leery at first,

but this job has turned
out to be so rewarding.

Mr. Taylor in 306...
God bless his soul.

He left me his radio.

Does anyone have 15 C batteries?

You ignite the fire in my loins.

How about those Yankees, boy?

How can you think about
the Yankees at a time like this?

I'll treasure this
as long as it works.

You wouldn't happen to have
an AC adapter, would you?

Sorry. LILLY: Sonny,
have you seen...

Hildy, I've been
looking for you.

Hildy, I have read this Cosmo,

my pillows are unfluffed,

and I'm still waiting
for my tapioca.

All right, all right.

Hildy.

Yes, I have nine hands. Why not?

Excuse me, I just
have to take Mr. Carrero

to physical therapy.

Do you think I'm sexy?

Come on, sugar, let me know.

Hildy, I'll take care of this.

Let's explore the
mysteries of the whirlpool.

Land of opportunity.

Well, if you'll excuse me,

I'll just go annoy
people on the subway.

To be continued, Kip?

Ahem, yeah, yeah, uh...

Sonny, I have, uh...

Ahem, I... I have
goats in my pants.

Heh. Um...

Sonny, every time
I have talked to you

or been a jerk around you

or been with you or seen you,

what I've always
wanted to say was...

Sonny, I'm in love with you.

Thank you.

"Thank you"?

What does "thank you" mean?
Thank you could mean anything.

Kip, I like you a lot,

but you have to understand
that love comes...

Comes very slowly for me.

I mean, I've had lots of
men pay attention to me,

but not because of the
person inside, but because...

Yeah, I know, I know,

because you're
uh... So uh... eh...

Yeah, I guess
that's why I like Jim.

Oh God.

Don't, don't tell me
you're crazy about him.

No, but I was
crazy about the idea

that he was interested
in me for more than just:

So you're not in love with him?

No.

But I'm afraid
that he thinks I am.

I don't know how to tell him.

Well, just be open
with your feelings.

The-the-the... The
direct way is the best way.

Trust me on this one.

I-I know of which
I speak, heh-heh.

Be honest, honest, that's,
uh, that's the best policy.

Kip, I'm awfully
glad we had this talk.

I feel better about us.

Yeah, me, too.

Who knows, maybe...

eventually you might even
begin to think about me

the way I think about you.

I don't know.

I can't make promises.

But maybe someday.

But you'll have to give me time.

Sure.

Had enough time yet?

Tell me I'm not about
to kiss your elbow.

You're not even close.

Hi, Jim.

Oh... hi, Sonny.

Uh, you know D-D-Doctor
Lawler, don't you?

Jim, your heart
sounds just fine.

Well, I think I'd better
finish making my rounds.

You know, that stethoscope
would work better

if you'd stick it in your ear.

I know that.

I'm a doctor.

Well, heh, heh,

I may be blind, but I
know this looks bad.

No, no, it's okay.

I'm sorry you had to see this.

Really, it's all right.

I'm fine.

W-w-what do you
mean, you're fine?

To be honest with you, Jim,

I'm actually relieved.

Oh, Sonny, go ahead.

Don't hold back your tears.

What?

But hold back the laughs.

Jim, you're a very nice guy

and these last couple of days

you've made me
feel really special.

And I want to
thank you for that.

But right now

I'm sort of seeing another man.

That's me. That's me.

That's me, heh, heh.

That's me, I'm the...
I'm the other guy, heh.

Isn't it right?

It's all right.

Do you wanna go get some coffee?

Let's go get some coffee.

I'm gonna buy her some coffee.

Why isn't anybody
listening to me?

I mean it.

Okay, all right, I'm
gettin' mad now.

Come on.

Come on you guys, listen to me.

You're so immature. Come on.

Stop fooling around.

Who's putting up this...

Is this Sodom or Gomorah?

What is going on here?

Yee-haw!

This is Leonard. Ain't he cute?

Cute?

Do you want some help now?

Help.

What?

Help Amy.

I can't hear you.

Help!

Why I'd love to.

All right, you degenerates!

Listen up!

Now, I am in charge here now,

not the little girl in a coma.

And while I'm the boss,

this hotel is gonna
be run by the book.

Got it?

I said got it, easy rider?

Okay, turkeys, outta here!

Turkettes, up to the rooms,

and I'm doin' a head
count very shortly.

I want you out of here

before I blast you all
out your underwear.

You're not moving very fast.

You must wanna
taste some umbrella.

I mean, move it.

Get outta here, and don't stop

till you reach the subway.

Hmph.

Yeah, that's right. I'm bad.
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