03x17 - The Mugger

[bunniefuu]

Oh. yeah. Wanda.

Trust me. what happened
between us last night was special.

Do I still respect you?
Wanda. Wanda. Wanda.

I didn't respect you to begin with.

So how's Wall Street?

Well. it hasn't been the same
since you left. Phil.

-You need anything?
-I could really use a pint.

-Oh. no booze. Phil.
-I meant blood.

I donated bucks‘ worth
this afternoon.

Hey. I'll tell you what...

...you can invest that in a certain stock
and quadruple it overnight.

-You interested?
-Sure. why not.

Okay. The name of the stock is--

I never should have approved
that commercial.

Gee. thanks. Ef.

-F?
-Yeah. Funny name. huh?

-He spells it E-F.
-E-F?

Panda. I gotta go.

Panda. Wanda. whatever.

Phil. old buddy. old pal.

Oh. sorry. Dan.
That's confidential information.

I've got food.

Now. if you're saying
I have something of value to you...

...and you wanna make me an offer--

No. we can discuss this reasonably.

Say. over lunch at the bistro?

[CHUCKLING]

Don't be silly. They have a dress code.

We'll stop at the tailor's on the way.

Don't you think this haircut
screams Miami Vice?

[MAC YAWNS]

HARRY: You can say that again.
-Uh-huh.

-What's new?
-Crime rate's down.

-Really?
-Yeah.

-Says that?
-Uh-huh.

Just when I was getting used
to the strip searches at the antique guild.

This article contends
that New Yorkers are still apathetic. though.

-No. I do not agree.
-Yeah.

We have come a long way
since the day when we would sit idly by...

...and watch one of our fellows
get preyed upon. I mean that. Say it again.

MAC:
Uh-huh.

-I'd challenge anyone who said otherwise.
MAC: Oh. yeah.

-Mac.
MAC: Yeah.

I think she's finally starting to loosen up.

Yeah.

"To sum up,
in exchange for the name of the stock...

...you agree to give me
percent participation...

...of all profits accrued."

Per Paragraph . sub S."

Phil and Dan unlimited partnership.

And you agree to all the terms herein.
correct?

-Yes.
-Yes. what?

Yes. Detective Crockett.

[LAUGHING]

-Ready to start. sir.
-Okay.

How's Christine doing?

HARRY:
Well. she seems a little more...

...secure.

Lovely Christine is modeling our new line
of aprés-crime evening wear.

Just aim for the seams.

Kids. kids. kids.

-Can we get started. huh?
-Yes. sir.

Steve Loomis.
Petty larceny and shoplifting.

Your Honor. Mr. Loomis. was arrested
for stealing waterproof grease pencils...

...from Arnold's Army Surplus store.

I see.

-No. I don't. Why?
-Isn't it obvious?

I got a problem.

-Your Honor.
-Yeah?

I suggest you rip open his gullet
and tear out his intestines.

I'll change your dinner plans.

Anyone we should know?

Yes. Your Honor. this is Arnold Simpson.
owner of the Army Surplus store.

He held Mr. Loomis at bay with a tent stake
until the police arrived.

I would have blown him away.
except my machine g*n was being serviced.

Ten thousand-round checkup. huh?

Your Honor. this is a first offense.
Mr. Loomis has agreed to make restitution.

All right. Let's make it a $ fine.
Suspended sentence.

-Thank you.
-For what?

Getting me off?

So you can pull another scummy stunt
like that?

Maybe even work your way
up the ladder of crime...

...by violating defenseless.
innocent and unsuspecting people?

That's disgusting.

Miss Sullivan. refresh my memory.
you are the counsel for defense. right?

And you. giving him
a slap on the wrist like that?

What the hell kind of disposition is that?

We'll take a five.

I wanna see you in my office. Now.

What are you gonna do? Spank me?

Please.

Stay. Sit.

Good boy.

Psst. psst.

I've got the name of the stock here.

I plan to spend my share of the profits
on my mother.

There's some elective surgery
she hadn't been able to afford.

You get together with the anesthesiologist.
maybe you can surprise her.

Fantastic. The name of a stock
that's about to go through the roof.

Now all I need is--

Money!

I have no money!

Sweet Dow Jones. I have no money!

Hi.

Well. look at that...

...you very thoughtfully
traced Magellan's route...

...on my brand-new.
really expensive globe.

Sorry.

But then on the upside...

...you have managed
to create a new Palestinian homeland.

You've been through an awful lot.

Why don't you go home
and take a nice warm bath?

Oh, would that make you happy?

To see me stark naked
in a tub full of hot water?

Is this a trick question?

I can't do it. Your Honor.
I just can't do it.

Okay. then take a shower.

I mean my job.

I have no more compassion left.
I cannot defend these people.

I feel bloodthirsty.

Don't you think you're overstating this?

You know that shoplifter?
I wanted to see him strung up.

-It is perfectly natural to--
-By his eyelids.

Ugh.

I hate my work. Your Honor. I mean it.

Sit down.

I don't think you hate your work.

I think you hate the thought
of being violated.

People who are violated
think they're the only ones in the world...

...who've ever had to suffer
anything like that.

And you. Miss Sullivan.
you've gotta walk both sides of the fence.

That takes a lot of compassion
and caring and sensitivi--

You scumball! Get away from my car!

-As I was saying--
-You know something. Your Honor...

...from the first day
I entered law school...

...I believed that it was my vested duty...

...to fight for the inalienable rights
of all people.

-That's your job.
-Now I want them dead.

That's someone else's job.

You know. you're right.

I think I will go home
and take a nice. warm bath.

But I'm not coming back. Ever.

-Miss Sullivan. you don't throw a career--
-Watch me.

-Your Honor. Your Honor.
-I don't believe it.

I understand.
but you don't just turn tail and run.

Life is full of unexpected setbacks.

There's a guy holding Florence hostage
with a grenade.

Good example.

I'm warning you. don't do it.
Stand back or I'll blow this place sky high.

What's going on here?

I think it's self-explanatory. Don't you?

Put those g*ns away
or I'm gonna make expl*si*n.

You heard the man. Put them down.

Thank you.

-My name's Harry.
-Thank you. Harry.

And your name is...?

Seth Pearlberg.

Seth Pearlberg.

Okay. so I panicked.

What's the difference?
My name is Hector Rivera.

I mean. we're all gonna die in here
anyway. huh?

[CHUCKLING]

Great. he's a lunatic too.

He's the same guy that mugged Christine.
Then he tried to mug Simpson.

-What happened?
-Florence jumped him.

She ripped off his ski mask...

...drug him to the ground
while screaming. "Banzai!"

Why should we believe
that's a real grenade?

You better believe it.
He took it out of my pocket.

What the hell are you doing
with a live grenade in Manhattan?

A person's got a right to defend himself.
doesn't he?

Bull.

What would happen
if that thing really exploded?

There would be mayhem.
twisted metal. burnt flesh...

...severed arteries.

I'll get the Bactine.

All right. Quit stalling.

We are not stalling.
I don't know what to say to you.

You're supposed to ask me
if I got any demands.

-You got any demands?
-Glad you asked.

I want a DC- . fueled and ready.

I want a million dollars in gold coins.

And I want a guarantee of safe passage
to Cuba.

Cuba?

Hector. I don't have the authority
to give you any of that stuff.

Then why did you ask me?

Cuba?

I want someone with authority I can talk to.
I want it now.

Oh. for crying out loud.

Call in the SWAT team.
Let's get some action here.

You. Get out of here
and don't come back...

...or I'll b*at about your head
with a thick stick!

Go.

I hope you didn't mind?

Oh. no. I enjoy delegating responsibility.

Thanks.

They said they might be able to get
a hostage negotiator over here in two hours.

Two hours?

They said all their people are tied up
right now.

-Tied up with what?
-Rope.

They're being held hostage
by a militant splinter faction...

...of Up with People.

-It was only a matter of time.
-Yeah.

January rd. ...

...Monday. hours.

His lip curled in a sexy smirk.

Our eyes locked.

He didn't say anything.
He didn't have to.

I knew what he wanted.

He wanted me.

Lady. if you don't shut up.
I'm gonna pull this pin.

You don't scare me.

I was one of the first WACs
in World w*r II.

Served in the Philippines.

I've seen combat. I've seen bloodshed...

...I’ve seen man's inhumanity to man
at its best.

Where was I?

hours.

Right.

The smell of damp khaki filled the tent.

-Hi. Mac.
-Hi. Dan.

-I need money.
-Bye. Dan.

Bye. Mac.

Yes. yes. yes. I understand that you have
a difficult situation there as well...

...but we have-- Who?

Well. of course I wanna see Tom Carvel
returned safely. Yes. but--

Pin's out.

Gotta go. bye. What happened?

He tried to interrupt Florence.

Oh. the fool. the mad fool!

Okay. give me that pineapple.
you bonehead.

-Florence.
-Get her away from me. she's nuts.

Hector. you put the pin
back in the grenade.

I want action. and I want it now.

SIMPSON:
You want action?

The American people have had it.

We've been kicked around too long.

We're getting ready to fight.

[YELLING]

Jump in any time. guys.

Okay. that's it. I've had it with you guys.
I'm pulling the pin.

CHRISTINE:
Freeze!

HARRY: Get out of here.
-Who are you?

-Your lawyer. Yes.
-Didn't I mug you?

Boy. this is not my day.

Miss Sullivan.
this is really very dangerous.

You mentioned commitment?
You're about to see some now.

Attagirl. you tell him.

What the hell are you?

I stand for freedom
and the American way of life.

Go on a diet.

I'm confused.

It's okay. It's okay.

Give me the grenade.
Believe me. nobody wants to hurt you.

Step aside. I'll get a clean sh*t.

What is the matter with you?

This is not mob rule.
This is not a fascist state.

Haven't you ever heard of due process?

Isn't that how they make Velveeta?

Get out. Now.

You think the b*ll*ts
were a little too much?

Hey. you're one gutsy broad.

Thank you.

And never call me a broad.

-What's your name?
-Hector.

Listen. Hector.
do you understand the situation here?

You are never going to be able
to go out any of those doors. Ever.

Eventually.
a SWAT team will be called in.

So why don't you do it my way?

What's your way?

You give me the grenade.

And I'll get you a fair trial.

What if you give me a fair trial first
then I give you the grenade?

Lady. I'm scared. I don't wanna get sh*t.

Okay. Okay. How about this?

You put down the grenade.
and if anybody sh**t you...

...you can k*ll me.

With what?

-With this.
-A fork?

-Will somebody get me something lethal?
-Wait. You're serious?

Yes. I'm serious.

Hector. you have got to start
trusting somebody sometime.

You've got to start somewhere.

And to be perfectly honest with you.
your time is running out.

You don't really wanna die.
do you. Hector?

Come on.

Thank you.

Guards.

-Are you okay?
-I'm fine.

-Welcome back. Christine.
-Thank you. Mac.

Hey. that stuff about a fair trial
still goes?

Still goes. Hector.

And don't worry. I'll be there with you.

Thank you.

-Christine.
-Thank you. Christine.

She doesn't even let me call her
Christine.

-Close call. huh?
-Yeah. tell me about it.

Oh. did I break this thing?

No. you pull that out
when you want it to explode.

Oh.

We can all relax now.

It's a figure of speech. Christine.

-I just have one question.
-sh**t.

While I was unconscious and helplessly
sprawled on the cafeteria floor...

...in a potentially compromising position--

Dan was being held in leather restraints.

Thank you.

So. what made you come back?

What made me come back?

I guess it was that commitment
you mentioned.

I realized that deep down in my heart.
that is why I took this job to begin with.

We have to defend some pretty scummy
people in this profession...

...but if we didn't....

You know. one of my colleagues once said.
"We are the last bastion against fascism."

I guess I really believe that.

But mostly I came back
for the dental plan.

You know. something else you said
made a difference too.

Oh. yeah? What was that?

Well. you told me to go home...

...and take a nice warm bath.

That?

-That was nothing.
-No. no. no.

That was one of the most chauvinistic...

...sexist. demeaning comments
I've heard in a long time.

See you.

-Where are you going?
-To take a bath.

And I'm going to let Dan watch.

Well. she's kidding.

I mean. she wouldn't.

DAN:
Thank you. thank you. thank you!

Thank you!

[BULL WHISTLINGI

You look depressed.

What the hell do you care?

Actually. I don't.

I was just making small talk.

You wanna hear something hysterical?
I've got a tip on the hottest stock in town...

...and I am flat broke.

Except for this bucks Christine gave me
to shout. "Thank you."

How much you need. Dan?

Five thousand dollars.

I'll give it to you.

What?

You carry that much in cash?

People rob banks. Dan.

When will I get this back?

Tomorrow morning. No later. I promise.

If not. I'll have to rip off your arms...

...legs...

...and head...

...and use the rest for a planter.

Fair enough.

[LAUGHS]

Thank you. thank you. thank you!

That was on the house.

This is my lucky day.

Mine too.