01x22 - Rock Video

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Family Matters". Aired: September 22, 1989 - May 9, 1997.*
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A spin-off of Perfect Strangers, the series revolves around the Winslow family, a middle-class African-American family and their nerdy neighbor Steve Urkel.
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01x22 - Rock Video

Post by bunniefuu »

Boy, that was great.

A family weekend
in the wilderness.

No phones, no traffic...

No surprise visits
from Steve Urkel.

Surprise!

Hi, Carl.

Hi, Laura, my
little sweet potato.

Did you think of me while
you guys were camping?

Yeah. Every time I
used the bug spray.

Oh, how sweet.

Hey, Carl, how come
you didn't invite me along?

Oh, gee, we wanted to, Steve,
but they were overbooked.

The forest was full.

Maybe next year.

Hey, you've got some
first-rate equipment here, Carl.

Thank you, and I'd like to keep it
that way, so don't touch anything.

- I'm gonna put this in the garage.
- Hey, let me get the door for you.

CARL: No, watch out
for the rip cord! Oh, no!

[AIR HISSING]

Deflate. Deflate.

Did I do that?

- You hungry?
- Yeah.

[CALCULATOR CHUGGING]

Wait a minute.

Are you paying bills?

No. Why?

We like to stay out of your way
when you pay bills. You get a little, uh...

- What's the word?
- Psycho.

That's the one.

For your information,
I'm doing our taxes.

Oh.

Let's get out of here.

- Hi, honey.
- Hey, babe.

- How was work?
- What a day.

I'm head of security.

I have keys to 300 offices,
and I lock myself out of mine.

What's all this?

Harriette, this year,
I'm doing our taxes.

Carl, those forms are too
complicated. Let a professional do it.

Are you implying that I can't
handle a simple tax return?

Oh, I'm sorry, honey. I
didn't mean to imply that.

I meant to say it straight out.

Harriette, it's just too late.

I fired our accountant.

Last year, we paid him
$200 to get a $100 refund.

The man is a crook.

The man is your brother.

I can do my taxes
just as well as Calvin.

- I'm begging you, don't do this yourself.
- Well, why not?

I can say it in one
word. Leavenworth.

Harriette, all you need to know
how to do is add, subtract and read.

All I need is a little
peace and quiet.

I guess I shouldn't have told Eddie
that his band could practice here.

What band?

[BAND PLAYING ROCK MUSIC]

That band.

Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!

Edward!

Dad, don't yell. You
could damage my hearing.

You boys are gonna have
to take this someplace else.

You're just too loud.

If it ain't loud, it
ain't rock 'n' roll.

I'm gonna get my tambourine
and jam with the guys.

I'm gonna get me some
cotton and jam it in my ears.

Hey, what's going on here?

Hi, Aunt Rachel.
We're rehearsing.

No, you're not. You're leaving.

Dad, we've got to get my
song together for this video.

We're entering a contest.

Oh, you mean the one
on Chicago Teen Trax?

- Yeah.
- I love that show.

If we win the locals,
we could get on MTV.

You guys, what's important is if
we win, we could get 1000 bucks.

Hey, well, now, if
you're really serious...

- I'd be happy to write you a script.
- Great.

- You're hired.
- Yes.

Now remember, think
hip, think cool, think fresh.

Any other instructions?

Yeah. Think fast. We
need it by tomorrow.

Think hip, think
cool, think fresh.

I got ideas so fresh, I haven't
even thought of them yet.

You know, Eddie, we decided
to write this video ourselves.

How come you're
changing the plans?

I put this band together...

and I wrote the songs.

Therefore, I make the decisions.

Well, this is the Winslow
household, I'm Mr. Winslow...

and I say that you go make
your decisions someplace else.

Oh, come on, Dad,
we're really in a bind.

The video's due Monday morning.

- Come on, Mr. Winslow.
- Please.

EDWARD: Please, Dad.

Well, look, I'll tell you what.
You can use the garage.

Thanks, Dad. All right, guys,
move this stuff into the garage.

Kyle, break down the drums.
Jerry, pack up the amps...

Where's Rodney?

We gotta get
going on this video.

The contest ends
in a couple of days.

[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]

Steve.

Steve. Urkel!

This is a private rehearsal.

Perhaps I could audition.

This looks like a polka crowd.

A one and a two and a:

[POLKA MUSIC PLAYING]

You just squeezed all
the air out of my bellows.

Steve, we don't need
an accordion player.

Why? Too hip?

Yeah, Urkel. That's
always your problem.

Hi, guys.

EDWARD: Rodney, it's about time.

Where's your video camera?

Well, I was sh**ting
my documentary on

unsafe conditions in
the girls' locker room.

Everything was fine until a
couple of girls jumped me.

They smashed my camera
and threw me in the showers.

It was great.

Way to go, Rodney.

How do we sh**t a
video without a camera?

Well, you see, when we win the
$1000, we can buy a new camera.

Just a thought. I am in the
Audio/Visual Club at school...

and I can get my hands on
any video equipment I need.

But since you don't
want me in your band...

I'll just take my squeeze
box and go home.

Steve, wait.

How would you like
to be our cameraman?

I'd be honored.

Wait a minute. Let's
put this to a vote.

I vote no. Urkel's a dweeb.

Well, I vote yes.

Congratulations, Urk.
You're our new cameraman.

Wow, thanks for the
vote of confidence, guys.

You won't be sorry.

[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK NOISE]

[STEVE LAUGHING & SNORTING]

Now, let's see. "Subtract
line 27B from line 50."

Where is 27B?

Twenty-seven, 28, 28B.

No 27B. Where are you,
you stinking little line?

- Hi, honey, how's it going?
- Oh, just fine. Just fine.

You wouldn't happen to see
line 27B on there, would you?

On this form?

"Tax form for government
subsidized poultry farmers"?

- You picked up the wrong form, didn't you?
- No, I did not.

[CARL CHUCKLES]

I was thinking about
taking early retirement...

and investing in a
small flock of ducks.

Carl, it's still time to get our
taxes done right. Call your brother.

- Harriette, I don't wanna call my...
- Forget it, Harriette.

Once Carl has
made up his mind...

the best thing to do is stand
back and watch him fall.

EDWARD: Man, Urkel.

What'd you do? Take every
piece of equipment in the school?

Pretty much. I even
brought my projector...

so I can show you slides
of my hernia surgery.

Guys, guys, guys, here it is.

Here is the script you've
all been waiting for.

And if I do say so myself,
it is hip to the bone.

Listen. Fade in.

"A thick layer of fog rolls in,
surrounding a silhouette of the band.

- We fade to the keyboards..."
- Aunt Rachel, Aunt Rachel.

Where are we gonna get
a thick layer of fog from?

Dry ice and a wind machine.

I know a place downtown
where we can rent everything.

Uh, I hate to disappoint you,
but our budget is only $20.

Uh-oh. I already spent that
on videotape and cheese.

So that leaves me
with a budget of nothing.

I can work with that. I'll have to
make few changes, cut a few corners.

I guess the camels are out.

You guys, we're gonna
forget about the script.

- We'll just wing it, okay?
- Great. Hey, Urkel.

You gotta get sh*ts of
my k*ller keyboard solo.

Be sure to get a close-up
of me twirling my sticks.

I love your ideas,
guys. Really, really.

Why don't you take
five and think up more?

Steve, can I talk to you
for a second, please?

- Amateurs.
- I know.

- You wanna hear some of my ideas?
- No.

Here's how the video's gonna go.

You start on a sh*t of me.

Then you cut to an
extreme close-up of me.

Then when I go into my dance,
you cut to a close-up of my feet.

Then you tilt up
to include my hips.

Then you cut to a
close-up of my face.

Is it just me, or am I
detecting a theme here?

I don't know if the other
guys are gonna like this.

Forget about them.
I'm the money.

If this band is going anyplace,
it's because of my talent.

Whatever you say.

This is gonna be the biggest
b*mb since Howard the Duck.

Hey, what are we watching?

My video, Aunt
Rachel. It's all finished.

What? You sh*t it already?
I'm still working on the script.

Well, we decided to
go a different direction.

Um, we'll use your
ideas in the next video.

Turn it up. I wanna
feel the bass in my face.

[MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

[RAPPING] My name is
Eddie I'm a hip, cool guy

The girls come running
When I give them the eye

My name is Eddie
And I'm headed for fame

Party and fun Is the
name of my game

I am the Winslow king

So come on, you
girls And hear me sing

'Cause I'm the new king

- I can't believe it.
- Me either.

Man, this video
is more than cool.

It's hype. No, it's def.

Man, this is super bad.

You got the bad part right.

Urkel, what were you doing?

The camera was on
Eddie the whole time.

You wanna field
this one, big guy?

All you could see
was my right foot.

At least you were in it.

Urkel, you screwed up big.

Hey, I was just following
Eddie's instructions.

Exactly what were
Eddie's instructions?

To keep the camera on him and
forget about the other meatheads.

- What?
- What?

His words, not mine.

Eddie, you got an attitude
problem, man. I'm walking.

I'm walking too.

Can you give me a lift?

Oh, fine, go ahead.

We're better off without them.

Their egos were
getting way out of control.

No, you're the one who's
getting out of control, man.

This is supposed to be a
band, not a one-man show. I quit.

What's wrong with them?
The video was great.

- You liked it, didn't you, Laura?
- It stunk.

On ice.

Oh, you're just jealous
because you weren't in it.

No one was in it, except you.

You can't blame them
for walking, Eddie.

That wasn't a rock video.

That was a love letter to Eddie
Winslow from Eddie Winslow.

Like they say...

if it ain't on the page,
it ain't on the stage.

What did you think, Grandma?

Edward, you know I love you.

And I'd never say anything
to hurt you. Good night.

Okay, now...

all I do is subtract
line 17 from line 11.

There. Our taxes are done.

We only owe the
government $94,000.

Hi. How are our taxes coming?

Harriette, it is a disaster.

We have hit bottom.

You would not believe how much
money we owe the government.

Carl, you've suffered enough.

We've all suffered enough. Here.

- Well, what is this?
- Our taxes. I went back to your brother.

After I specifically
asked you not to?

HARRIETTE: Mm-hm.

How could you do this
to me, Harriette? How?

Carl, we're getting
a $700 refund.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. I love you.
Thank you. Thank you.

So how are you doing?

Okay.

Uh, Steve, could we be alone?

Sure. Eddie, would you mind
stepping outside for a second, please?

No, Steve, I meant I'd
like to be alone with Eddie.

Oh, I get it.

A father-and-son
moment. I'll just tiptoe out.

Really, I'm fine. No problem.

[CRASH]

STEVE: Don't worry.
It's just a scratch.

I really blew it, huh, Dad?

Well, hogging the spotlight like you did
wasn't exactly the best thing you could do.

But I'm the lead singer.

I mean, I did write the song.

Well, son, that may be true...

but being in a band is a group effort
and that means everyone is included...

even though it was your song.

You know, when a man
decides to go on an ego trip...

he usually ends
up traveling alone.

So, what should I do now?

Well, apologizing to Rodney and the rest
of the guys would be nice for starters.

That's a good idea.

And who knows, maybe you
can even resurrect your band.

No.

Kyle has gone solo
and Jerry went with him.

So much for my
career as a rock star.

Well, son...

we all make mistakes.

The important thing is
that we learn from them.

Thanks, Dad.

Excuse me. I forgot my tripod.

Just keep bonding. Keep bonding.

You won't even know I'm here.

Oops.

Does Eddie still have an attitude
about missing that video gig?

Yeah, Mama. He's still
a man without a band.

Major bummer.

But, you know, I've been thinking. With
the talent that we have in this room...

we could all help
Eddie make a new video.

We might have time
to enter the contest.

That's a good idea. You
know, it could be lots of fun.

And who knows,
we might win $1000.

- I'm in.
- Sounds good to me.

Rachel, what about you?

I don't know. Eddie's
very difficult to work with.

CARL: Eddie, I'm
glad you're here.

Son, what do you say about
the whole family making a video?

Okay, but only on one condition.

See? What did I tell you?

I want Aunt Rachel
to rewrite the lyrics.

I'd be happy to. Heh, heh.
I love working with this guy.

Wouldn't it be great if
we finished in the top five?

Are you kidding? We're
gonna win this thing.

We've got this puppy locked up.

MAN [ON TV]: And that was
our second-place finisher...

The Toxic Argyles
From Whitefish Bay.

Well, this is it. We're down
to the number one video.

Mom, we don't have a chance. All
the finalists have been heavy metal.

Oh, look, guys. Who
cares if we didn't win?

The point is we did it as a
family and we all had fun.

MAN: And now, our
grand prize winner...

$1000 goes to The
Rappin' Winslows.

[ALL CHEERING]

EDWARD [RAPPING ON
TV]: One, two, three, four

If you're thinking you
like to be a rap star

I gotta a personal tip
That'll help you get far

Hey, listen to your
friends And family too

'Cause they're the ones
That really care about you

Let us thank our lucky stars

For the love we share each day

[SCRATCHING]

Now, I'm the dad I
make all this happen

Harriette I'm sick and
tired Of all this rapping

Oh, honey, hold
on Let Eddie sing

He's gonna be a big
star And buy us everything

So when you got a
problem That's complicated

Follow my tip And
never be deflated

No matter how
hip or slick or cool

Listen to your
family Don't be a fool

Let us thank our lucky stars

That God has blessed our day

We are a family

We do things
together Not separately

We are a family

We share all we've got
And that's easy to see

'Cause we are a family
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