01x21 - Whose Mid-Life Crisis Is It Anyway?

[bunniefuu]

Scalpel.

Sutures.

Okay, let's close him up.

Mmm. The patient looks tasty.

♪ ...happy days
are here again. ♪

Yes. It's done.

Finished. Completed.

Terrific, honey.

- What's finished?
- My study.

Oh, I know. I've
kept it to myself.

But for the past six years,

I have conducted
a research study

Using my office patients.

And tomorrow morning,
I am fed-exing my work

To the new england journal
of medicine for publication.

- Ooh. Sounds great!
- It sure does.

Six years of good solid work

And I finally get my
day in the journal.

What's it about, dad?

Glasses, glasses.

- Little one is yours.
- Thank you.

Ah, a toast.

To dr. David howser's theory
on impotency and its treatment

In males between
the ages of 40 and 55.

Oh, I'm very proud
of you, david.

- Can I read it?
- Mm!

It would be an
honor and a privilege.

- Well?
- It's terrific, dad.

The research is
very comprehensive.

It really supports
your theories.

There's just one thing.

June, june, june...

Here it is. June, 1987.

Let's see, I think
it was page 146.

- "The new jersey
health news."
- The what?

This is exactly my study.

Actually, he
researched impotency...

In males of all ages.

Well, I don't believe this.

In here, my... Study

Would be reduced
to a mere footnote.

Well, he had a rich
research grant behind him.

At least he validated your work.

Nice try, son.

I remember it like
it was yesterday.

1962.

A 20-hour bus ride
from mexico city.

18-Hour days, no electricity.

Clean water?
Humph... Not a chance.

- Curly: sounds awful.
- Awful? It was great!

Sign up for this program

And you'll see what
medicine is all about:

Club feet, leprosy, gangrene.

Didn't dr. Gilbert
come back from there

With that lingering
six-month sleeping sickness?

That's the exciting
part of this:

Experiencing hardcore
combat-like medicine.

If I'm taking a trip to mexico,

It's gonna be the beach.

The point is to go to
the poor, rural areas

And eat, drink, and sleep
medicine for two weeks.

How often are any of you
gonna see a four-foot tapeworm?

I pulled two out
of a teenage boy.

- Ugh. Code blue,
emergency room.

- Code blue,
emergency room.
- Nurse: we have no pulse.

Doogie: let's get an airway
in and put in another line.

He'd been hit in the heart.
Looks like a tamponade.

- I'm opening him up.
- There's still no pulse.

He'll gush. Let's
move him to the o.r.

There's no time. I have
to open him up here.

Scalpel.

- Retraction.
- Jack: retractor.

Nurse: right here.

Clamp.

There's too much blood. Let's
get some suction in here, stat.

- Where's the basin?
- Basin's here.

- It's out.
- Doogie: whew.

- Can you get control?
- Yeah.

I've plugged it with my
finger. I'm massaging the heart.

- How's his pressure?
- Curly: we've got a pulse.

- Pressure's 8o
over 40 and coming up.
- Great work, doog.

Alert o.r. Tell
'em we're coming in.

We got to move him. Let's go.

We're moving.

Medic: watch that cable.

- Whoa.
- Ow!

Hello, douglas.

Oh hi, doogie.

Hi, mrs. Leonard. You okay?

Okay? I'm alive
thanks to your father.

I was tending my champion roses

When a yellowjacket
up and stung me...

Right in the rump.

And this wonderful
man of medicine

Performed an emergency surgery.

Great!

All in a day's work.
How was your day?

Oh, nothing special.
Just the same old junk.

These are for a "dr. Howser."

- What a nice surprise.
- Mrs. Leonard: beautiful.

I wonder who these are from.

"Dr. Howser, I wanted
to show my appreciation

For what you've
done for my husband.

Pulling that b*llet
from his heart

And pumping life back into
his body was truly a miracle.

Courier: wow, a real
hero-type dude, huh?

David: thank you.

Thanks, good doctor.

And I thought my little
bug-bite was important.

These are for you.

David: I wonder what miracle
I may have to perform next.

Poison ivy? Hangnail?

Dad, I get accident
victims every day

That require no
more than a band-aid.

Thank you, son,

But you don't have to
compare notes with me.

You perform meaningful
lifesaving medicine

On a daily basis. I don't.

David, you've been moping

About your research
study for three days.

Sorry, dear, but I put six
years of my life into that thing.

How were you supposed to
know it was already published?

Yeah, and it was in a totally
obscure medical journal.

I mean, who reads "the
new jersey health news"?

You do... And I should have.

Obscure or not, I
didn't do my homework.

So do another study.

I'm tapped out.

At my age, you don't
come up with new studies.

No, we'll do one together.
Let's come up with an idea.

Thank you for being
so charitable, son.

You'll probably have two
dozen papers published

By the time you hit 30.

You don't need me
holding you back.

It was a wonderful
dinner, katherine.

I think I'll retire
for the evening.

A year ago, I could
do two sets of these.

A year ago, I didn't have
hair growing in my ears.

You too.

Recently, I've been a
little bored with work.

Going to the office
has become a struggle.

At least you get
to practice medicine.

I specialize... In memo writing

And budget allocation meetings.

Was the human body
meant to do this?

Yes...

But our bodies haven't
been human for 20-30 years.

The exercise bike's pretty safe.

Good idea.

Whatever happened to all
those big dreams we had?

I guess we realized some.

And the others...

Well, they still make
pretty good dreams.

How come it doesn't bother you?

It does...

But this is what I am.

I make the best of it.

Very few of us can be stars.

I think we're supposed
to be pedaling.

Why ruin a comfortable seat?

David: I think I need a nap.

- Doogie:
wow, those are nice.
- Mmm.

I thought we could use a
little cheer around this house.

Your father's on his
fourth day in a row.

The girls in the office
are asking questions.

He's just taking some time.

I'm sure he'll be back
to work on monday.

Glorious day.

- Hi, honey.
- Hi.

What'd you do?

I drove up the coast highway.

Stopped at a little
seafood place

And had a bowl of clam
chowder and watched the waves.

- It was delightful.
- Sounds nice.

It gave me a little
time to think.

You know, I've been in a
mood the past few days

And... It's high time I
do something about it.

I'm gonna sell my
practice and retire.

What?!

Where was I when
this was decided?

It'll work out fine. We
have plenty of money

And the sale of the practice
will only enhance our position.

Our lifestyle will not change.

Forget the money.
What about medicine?

- It's your life!
- Was my life.

Now, we'll leave the medicine

To the real doctor
in this family.

And what do you plan on doing?

Well, you know,
things. Golf, fishing,

Or this... My new toolbox.

There're a lot of projects that
I plan on tackling around here.

- I don't believe this.
- It'll all work out.

Trust me.

I'm gonna go out
in the garage...

And set up our workshop.

This is not happening.

Doogie, answer this
for me. Has he flipped?

No, I still think
he's in a mood.

It's gotten more intense,
but I believe it's temporary.

Can you imagine him
around this house every day,

Sawing and banging away?

That thought is frightening.

Well then, what do we do?

Is there some sort of therapy?

Maybe a drug?

Well, if I were dad's physician,
I'd take some blood tests

In order to rule out
an organic depression.

After those precautions,
I think we could

Narrow it down to a
functional depression,

In which case, we're
talking about psychotherapy

And maybe biological therapy

In the form of anti-depressants

Like tofranil and prozac.

But if that doesn't help, we'll
have to go to a last resort.

E.c.t.

E.c.t.?

We'll zap him.

- Shock therapy.
- Doogie!

Don't worry, mom.

I'm sure we'll find
a simpler solution.

I think dad just needs
an attitude adjustment.

What are you doing?

I'm throwing all these
old medical journals out.

- Why?
- Well, I've memorized
most of them.

I got my favorite educational
journal memorized too.

- Which one?
- "Playboy."

It's like weird.

I have all kinds of
trouble in history class,

But I can tell you that miss
july, 1987's favorite pastimes

Are snow skiing, riding
horses and baking.

Is there some sort of
medical term for what I got?

I think you'd be
diagnosed as a horn-dog.

David: ow!

That's my dad.

If I hadn't have
remembered that article,

Or if I just kept my mouth shut,

Maybe none of this
would've happened.

Wrong, doog.

Your dad's stuff still would've
been rejected by the magazine

Then he'd be embarrassed in front
of all types of medical big sh*ts.

It's just a big mess.

He's just giving up.

Like george bailey.

- Who?
- George bailey.

You know, jimmy
stewart's character

In "it's a wonderful life?"

He thought his life was a waste

Until this angel came along

And showed him all the good
stuff he did for other people.

Oh yeah. I saw that
again last christmas.

Vinnie...

You're a genius.

Woman on p.a.: Dr. Peterson,
please check your beeper.

Thanks.

How are we feeling, mr. Moore?

I'm alive.

You the wonder kid
that saved my life?

Actually, it was no big deal.
Any doctor could have done it.

What a crazy world.

Some nutcase sticks
a g*n in my ribs,

Demands my hard-earned money...

I told him he'd have
to k*ll me first.

Technically, he did.

What is mankind coming to?

Criminal element is everywhere.

Well, it's not here.
Just rest and recovery.

You're quite a young man.

You know, in the recovery room,

I made a decision. I'm retiring.

My life has been stagnant...

Boring.

I figure, "what's the point?"

Well, I don't accept
that, mr. Moore.

Well, I do.

Same old jobs,

One after another.

Oh...

It becomes tiresome.

We live in a young man's world.

That's not true. You've got
plenty of productive years.

Now is the time for
you to get out there

And do bigger, do better,

Pass on your valuable
experience, reach for the gold!

You think?

No one's ever taken
the time to talk to me...

Or care about me.

Thank you, young man.

Hello, archie. You have
the right to remain silent.

Anything you say can and
will be used against you

- In a court of law...
- Hey, hey, hey.

- This is my
patient david moore.
- Alias "archie agglehoff."

Fbi.

Archie's wanted for 16 bank
robberies in seven states.

Well, so much for
your productive years.

Crowd: ♪ for he's a
jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny. ♪

A few friends stopped by.

Dr. Howser, good to see you.

When...

- Hi, dr. Howser.
- Stanley, how are you?

And mrs. W.

- Hi.
- Surprise!

David: ruth, rocky.

Aww, you...!

- Katherine...
- Dr. Howser.

- William craig.
- Marines.

Airborne. You reset my leg
in three places when I was 16.

I don't think I'd be jumping
out of planes if you didn't.

Man: hey, doc.

- Is that charlie wilson?
- Ha, it sure is.

Charlie, how are you?

When I got the phone
call from your fine son

And lovely wife, I said,
"ah, the heck with it,"

So I drove all the way
down here from bakersfield.

- Thank you, charlie.
- I wouldn't miss that
for the world.

I believe it was 1970

At my gas station on wilshire
when that engine blew up.

I had them burning
fluids all over me.

But you were there, doc,
flushing my eyes clean.

Saved my eyesight, I do recall.

What a blessing.

Excuse me, doctor?

Darlene cunningham.

August the fifth, 1979?

A four-car accident on sunset?

Yes, yes, yes,

But I didn't operate on you.

The paramedics got a specialist

At eastman to
perform the operation.

Oh, I know.

But you held my
hand for three hours

Through it all.

God bless you, dr. Howser.

I never realized.

We always have.

I...

Thought I might
emulsify a few words

About the man we have
assembled to pay tribute.

Oh no.

Dr. Howser's a great guy,

And from the way this room
sounds, a hell of a doctor.

He saved a lot of people from
a whole mess of nasty stuff.

I should know.

When I was six, he pulled
me from a drainage ditch.

I had rips and tears everywhere.

But the good
doctor sewn them up.

At 12, playing toy soldiers,

I got a howitzer
stuck in my throat!

I was down to my last breath

- Till the good doctor
dislodged it.
- Vinnie, i...

He saved my life so many times.

I love this man.

Oh... Vinnie.

- When I was 15, I had a rash...
- ♪ For... ♪

All: ♪ ...he's a jolly
good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny. ♪

You know...

I needed a slap in the face,

And in a very special way,

You and your mom
did that for me.

Hey, it was easy finding
people you helped.

A little more time, we
could have filled the forum.

Thank you, son.

Oh... I'm gonna take a trip.

- Fishing?
- No.

Ben canfield and I are
going to spend two weeks

In the hills of arriaga, mexico

Providing much needed
medical attention.

And when I return,

It's back to my
medical practice.

That sounds great, dad.

Yeah, it does.

Good night, son.