02x07 - Academia Nuts

[bunniefuu]

Ooh! What a tasteful ensemble.

Did anyone ever tell you
you have great fashion sense?

Ugh. What do you want?

You don't accept
compliments gracefully.

I'm a little tense. Canfield wants
me to meet him in his office at 9:00.

So maybe it's good
news, like you made

Best-dressed
physician of the year.

Good news does not
happen at 9:00 in the morning

In canfield's office.

Oh, so this probably isn't
the best time to ask a favor.

No, it's not.

(Sighs) here's the thing.

I need a biology paper.

I got to get my
grade-point average up.

Nothing brilliant. It
just has to be intelligent,

Well argued, and it has
to look like I wrote it.

- That's an oxymoron.
- Hey, hey, no name-calling.

I can't believe you're asking me to
write your research paper for you.

- Was I not making
myself clear?
- (Scoffs)

After that whole fiasco with
wanda, didn't you learn your lesson?

Yeah, yeah... But that
was a french lesson.

This is biology.

Aw, come on, doog, you been gettin' a's
on papers like this since you were nine.

I've seen 'em in your file
drawer, in your scrapbook.

They're all over the place.

No.

You probably have something in
here right now that I could use.

Open that drawer
and save a guy's life.

Vinnie, no. It's unfair
to your classmates,

And it would do you
more harm than good.

Okay, let me paint
the picture for you.

A guy's in his senior
year, staring at the abyss.

His grades are plummeting,
his teachers are at his throat,

And he's not gonna get into film school
unless he can persuade his best friend

And blood brother to give him a
paper that he could write in his sleep.

Well, since you
put it that way, no.

I hate that shirt!

(Theme music playing)

- (Knock at door)
- come in.

Ah, dr. Howser.

Punctual as ever. Have a seat.

Something to drink? Coffee?

Mineral water? Jelly beans.

Dr. Canfield, you're
making me very nervous.

Douglas,

Does the name "portmeyer"
mean anything to you?

- Popcorn.
- I'm sorry. I don't have any.

No, no, portmeyer popcorn.

"It's the top of the pops."

Ohh.

Well,

It's more than popcorn.

Portmeyer industries is
the second-largest exporter

Of dried goods in the country.

Mrs. Portmeyer is
a regular patient,

Checks in about one a year
for a complete physical

And then makes a
donation to the hospital,

Often in direct proportion

To how satisfactory
her stay was.

- What's wrong with her?
- Nothing, she's in good health.

Our dilemma...

No, our challenge... Is that
she doesn't want to believe it.

She's a hypochondriac.

I don't like that word, douglas.

After all, if a person believes there's
something wrong with him, or her,

We're duty-bound to
treat that complaint

With the utmost seriousness.

Mrs. Portmeyer doesn't feel
she's getting her money's worth

Unless we find
something wrong with her.

Are you asking me to lie?

I'm asking you to be creative.

Dr. Canfield, I can't invent
some phantom illness

Just to make a patient happy.

Douglas,

Come and look out this window.

See that new children's wing?

That was paid for by mrs.
Portmeyer's unfortunate brush

With irritated cranial
meningeal syndrome.

- That's a headache.
- Precisely.

You have to think of this in
terms of the greater good.

There are thousands of patients
this hospital is able to care for

Because of mrs.
Portmeyer's donations.

And all we have to do in return

Is satisfy the
whims of one sweet,

Elderly lady.

No, no, no!

I want the bed away
from the window!

Benjamin, how many years
have I been coming here?

Twenty-two. And you're right.

It was a terrible
oversight on my part.

Hello, buster!

Buster d*ed. That's peanut.

Hello, peanut.

- We don't allow animals
in the hospital.
- We do now.

If this is a good time for you,

I'd like to introduce you to
your attending physicians.

This is dr. Howser
and dr. Mcguire.

Mrs. Portmeyer, you're
looking very well.

But then, looks can deceive.

I don't like this.
It's unsanitary.

It's going, first
thing tomorrow.

(Groans)

I'm dr. Howser. It's a pleasure
to have you here with us.

Benjamin, he's a teenager!

Yes, but he's a very
gifted teenager.

Dr. Howser graduated top of his
class from medical school at 14.

He was a finalist for
resident of the year last year.

In fact, I think it's no
exaggeration to say he's a genius.

Well, what am I doing?

Dr. Howser can
speak for himself.

Um... Yeah.

Oh, he is impressive.

Mr. Delpino, you
clearly have no affinity

For math or science
or languages.

Uh, I'm not a renaissance man.

You were also in the bottom
ten percentile in the speed tests.

Well, I didn't know
they were timing us.

Well, let's concentrate
on the good points.

Uh, you're gregarious, outgoing,

And you have an
excellent sense of balance.

Have you ever considered
a career in construction?

You mean, like, hard hats?

Whistling at women
from tall buildings?

It's a very popular occupation for
someone with your family background.

If memory serves, your father
is in the plumbing business.

My father deals
exclusively in shower heads!

Ah, well, let me
correct my file.

He's also 100% behind my
decision to go to film school.

Film school? Oh, let's,
uh, look at these grades.

Nowhere are you
better than average,

And your biology score
is so low it's off the scale.

Well, I'm working on that. My
term paper's gonna bring me way up.

Mr. Delpino, as your
guidance counselor,

I have to give you the facts.

You are not going
to film school.

You're simply not
college material.

Whoa, whoa! Look...

I have a dream.

I may not know the body parts
of a frog, but I do know this...

When I look through a camera, I
see things other people don't see.

- Ah.
- Call it a vision. Call it a passion.

I've seen my future,
and it's in the movies.

What about set
construction, huh?

Delicious smells, mrs. H.

Is doogie home?

No, he'll be working
late tonight.

- Ah, jeez.
- Can I help
with anything?

Well, I got this french pen
pal of the female persuasion

Who's been begging
for a picture of me,

And, you know, who
could blame her?

Problem is, my folks lost
interest in me after two and a half,

So I don't have any photos
where I'm not in training pants.

Now, that is a problem.

I thought you might have some sh*ts
of me standing around looking handsome.

Well, there's probably
something in doogie's scrapbook.

Ah, of course!
Doogie's scrapbook.

Is it still in the living room?

No.

I think last time I saw
it, it was up in his room.

- Vinnie, you coming?
- I'm right behind you.

Mrs. Howser: oh, I love this
picture of you playing soccer.

Look how tiny you were, vinnie!

- When was this taken?
- Last summer.

Oh. Well.

Oh, look, doogie
at seven months.

You know what his
first word was? "Duck."

Not "mama," not
"dada"... "Duck."

That's adorable.

- Ooh, what's this?
- Oh, doogie's first
science report.

He wrote that when he was nine.

"Observations on the amoeba

And other protozoic life forms."

Wow. And I was struggling with
"how I spent my summer vacation."

(Chuckling)

(Sniffing) is something burning?

My stew. I should
have turned it down!

Well, I really out to get
out from under your feet.

Thanks for the memories, mrs. H.

Did you find
something you can use?

Absolutely.

(Door shuts)

- You're stealing my report.
- Huh-uh.

Liar. Dissembler. Cheat.

What's "dissembler"?

Vinnie, I am disgusted. What
you're doing is reprehensible.

I am not stealing the report.

I stole your report this
afternoon. Now I'm putting it back.

Oh, wonderful. I
feel so much better.

Don't you have a conscience?

I do have a conscience, doog,
which is why I'm putting it back.

I panicked that I did
something wrong,

But then I thought about it,
and I realized you were right:

Stealing somebody's
idea is no solution.

Well, that's something.

So, I did the right and noble
thing... I quit high school.

Mr. Delpino: are you trying to k*ll me?
Are you trying to k*ll your mother?

Mrs. Delpino: I can't believe your
son does everything so stupid!

Mr. Delpino: my son? How come
every time he screws up, he's my son?

Mrs. Delpino: well, he
didn't get it from me.

How is the situation with
mrs. Portmeyer, douglas?

Oh, it's terrible. We can't
find anything wrong with her.

Not even arthritis. I don't
know what I'm gonna tell her.

Well, I'm sure
you'll think of, uh...

Vinnie: you didn't
finish high school.

Mr. Delpino: I'll tell you what I'm
gonna finish. I'm gonna finish you!

Something.

What do you want from me, vincent? I
work my fingers to the bone for you!

(Yelling continues)

Well, I think that
went pretty well.

There's fruit
salad in the fridge.

So, I wanted you to be the
first to hear about my new job.

I'm gonna be working for a company
that makes television commercials.

Officially, I'll be a
production assistant,

But I'm gonna be giving
a lot of creative input.

That's great, vinnie.

Oh. Yes, congratulations.

Was it something I said?

No, I think it was
something you did.

What is the big deal
about high school?

I finally find a great job in
the profession of my choice,

And everyone thinks
I'd be better off doing

101 Book reports on
the old man and the sea.

Speak to me, doog!

Hey, look, a lot of great
americans have gone a long way

Without graduating high school.

Like who?

Like... Henry ford,

Uh, george gershwin,

Cher.

Oh, yeah, I can see you in a rock
video wearing a black body stocking.

Hey, school is fine
for academics like you,

But it's a prison for
the creative psyche.

I got to be
somewhere I can soar.

And you can't soar
with a diploma?

Et tu, doogie?

Come on, sultan. Eat, boy, eat.

Man: delpino!

You could build cities
with these things!

Go get some more before the
crew starts eating the scenery.

Hey, kid, watch it. You're
right in sultan's eye line.

Move, move.

Uh, norman? Could I
just mention one thing?

I think the lighting in this
scene is a little... Opaque.

Go get my car washed, will ya?

Light wax.

Doog! What are you doin' here?

I started feeling bad about
not being more supportive,

So this is me being supportive.

Great, great. Only, you
picked kind of a bad day.

Dog-food commercial. Working with
animals makes the crew a little tense.

Delpino! Didn't I say
something to you about bagels?

Um, I'll get the
bagel person on that.

So, do you have time
to show me around?

Yeah, yeah. Just let me take
care of some priority stuff...

- Delpino!
- I'm on it. Bagels, car wash.

No, no, no, no.
Something else came up.

- What?
- The dog's breakfast.

You're wasting your time, doog.

No, you want to know
what wasting your time is?

Cleaning up dog
barf for a living.

Hey, that's one of the
top dogs in hollywood.

What a jerk!

Why did I think that
was my big break?

They just took me for what I
am... An idiot kid with no brains.

Vinnie, you are not an idiot.

Academics is all about
discipline. It's about habits.

It can be learned,
and I'm going to teach

You. We'll start off
with that biology paper.

I don't know, doog.
This sounds like,

"Howser bails out
delpino, part 15."

It'd be nice if it were the
other way around for a change.

Well, actually, there is
something you can do for me.

Teach me to lie.

Tomorrow I've got to tell
this patient she's got something

That she doesn't have so she'll
make a donation to the hospital.

You got a very
strange job, howser.

I know, and I want to keep it,
which is why I'm coming to you.

You're the best liar
I know, hands down.

Doog! I'm touched.

I'm serious. You think
you can teach me?

Hey, it's easy.

It's like a magic trick.

First rule: never stop talking.

Hold their gaze. That's key.

Never be the first
one to look away.

Hello, mrs. Portmeyer.

I've got your test results here.

What's wrong with me?

- Well, the good news is...
- Skip the good news. What's wrong with me?

- Xerodermia.
- What's that?

A skin condition.

Invisible to the naked eye.

Nothing to worry about, really.

Luckily, we have
medication to take care of it.

I'll get on it right away.
Uh, try not to scratch.

(Muttering) I can't do this.

Mrs. Portmeyer,

I'm lying.

I'm gonna be straight with you.

There's nothing wrong with you.

Excuse me?

You're in excellent health
for a woman your age.

I'm sorry.

Well, beatrice, how's every
little thing this morning?

Dr. Howser has just given
me some startling news.

Oh?

Well, I'm sure whatever
it is, it's not very serious.

He said there's
nothing wrong with me.

He did?

Dr. Howser is overworked.

We'll have another physician
check your test results right away.

That won't be necessary.
I've heard enough.

Now, listen, bea...

Let's not act in haste. We've
been together a long time.

- Twenty-two years.
- Yes, 22 years,

And I think it's about time
someone told you the truth.

You are a very special
and generous person.

No one is going to
forget about you

Or stop appreciating you
just because you're not sick.

Dr. Howser, don't
you have rounds?

Mrs. Portmeyer, I'm telling you the
best thing a doctor can tell his patient.

You're in good
health. Appreciate it.

Benjamin, do you
agree with this?

Well,

On the one hand, yes.

- On the other...
- On the other,

You want that new
cardiology wing.

Well, I'd say that
diagnosis was worth a lot.

My accountant will be in touch.

- Thank you.
- Oh, thank him.

You know, when you mature,

You're going to
be a fine doctor.

I couldn't agree more.

I was talking to you, benjamin.

(Knocking)

My biology paper.

Two weeks late,
but like fine wine

It took some time to mature.

- So, I'm back.
- You know the policy,
mr. Delpino.

If a student drops out
unexcused for more than a week,

We can't take him back
till next semester.

I didn't want to get into
this, but... Mind if I sit down?

Well, the fact is, I've
been going through

A few personal problems.

I guess it started with
the fire in the attic.

And my grandfather d*ed
and left me his business.

I mean, what do I know

About prosthetic devices?

And what do you care about a guy
with a dead grandfather and no roof?

Okay, okay.

You've pushed me to this.

I screwed up.

I quit school 'cause I
thought I didn't need it.

But admit it... It wasn't
fair of you to write me off

Because my talents
didn't fit into your system.

But, hey, that's high school.
I gotta play by your rules.

I gotta do the
work. Now I know it.

That is the first
honest statement

I have ever heard
come out of your lips.

You have a week to catch up on your
work. If you're not making it by then...

I'll make it. How
can I thank you?

Just a line in your
memoirs, mr. Delpino.

He's back. He's
sh**t' spitballs.

He's jammin' lockers.
He's eatin' fish sticks.

He's high-school senior!

(Imitating crowd roaring)

Thank you, ladies and
gentlemen, thank you!

- Congratulations.
- Yeah.

My folks love me again.
Thanks for your help.

- No problem.
- So how'd it go
with the popcorn queen?

Well, i... I hate
to let you down,

But I ended up
telling the truth.

Did you learn nothing from me?

The truth is always
the last resort.

Yeah, but it worked for me.

She doubled her
donation to the hospital.

Yeah. Well, it
worked for me too.

I came clean with my
guidance counselor.

I don't know what
to think, doog.

Life used to be so simple. Then
comes the greenhouse effect.

Pat riley retires, now this.

(Sighs) honesty works.

My universe is crumbling.

(Computer beeps)

(Theme music playing)