02x08 - Revenge of the Teenage Dead

Episode transcripts for the TV Show "Doogie Howser, M.D.". Aired: September 19, 1989 - March 24, 1993.*
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Follows a teenage physician who balances the challenge of practicing medicine with the everyday problems of teenage life.
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02x08 - Revenge of the Teenage Dead

Post by bunniefuu »

Vinnie: and... Action!

- (Chain saw revving)
- (yelling)

(Yelling continues)

No, please. No. No-oo!

(Screaming)

Please, no. Ahh!

- Hi, doogie.
- Vinnie: cut!

- Cut.
- Mrs. Howser: can you give me
some help with these?

Where in my scene does it say,
"victim helps mother with groceries

Before being dismembered"?

- Hello, wanda.
- Hi, mrs. Howser.

- Is that chainsaw safe?
- Of course, I took
the chain off.

Boys, I'm going to
need a little room.

Well, mrs. H., We need
to finish this scene.

See, this is the climactic moment
when our hero is sliced, diced,

And stacked neatly in
the vegetable crisper.

- (Chuckling)
- oh, go ahead, laugh.

But revenge of the
teenage dead is gonna make

Every single other horror film that
came before it look like a nursery rhyme.

I'm gonna be considered
the godfather of gore,

The sultan of revoltin',
the king of cadavers.

All right! What's
taking so long?

Janine, baby, you
gotta be patient.

I've been waiting
outside forever.

I'm sick of holding
this stupid chain saw,

And this mask is making
my face break out.

But you are the
star of the picture.

Soon the name "janine" will strike
fear in the hearts of millions,

- Like jason and freddy.
- Oh, yeah, a dream come true.

All right, all right, how about if I
arrange for you to sleep with the director?

Janine: that would be
your dream come true.

For the life of me,
I can't understand

What you kids find so
fascinating about these

Ridiculous slasher films.

Oh, hi, dear.

I didn't hear you come in.

(Theme music playing)

Woman: gregory,
you'll be graduating

Summa cum laude
from northwestern

With a double major in
chemistry and molecular biology.

Your academic record
clearly qualifies you

For any medical
school in the country.

Why did you choose
to apply to southwest?

Well, dr. Forrest, your question
calls for a two-fold response.

First of all, I greatly
admire your faculty,

And secondly, I plan on
specializing in endocrinology,

And it's a well-known fact
that your laboratory facilities

In that area are
state-of-the-art.

Not to mention how close
the dorms are to sunset beach.

- (All laughing)
- actually, that would
be convenient.

Marine biology
is a hobby of mine.

I spent one summer
at the scripps institute

Studying green hydra-
green algae symbiosis.

One final question, gregory.

You've told us... And quite
eloquently, I might add...

Why you've chosen southwest.

Now tell us why we
should choose you?

Because I'm the most qualified.

Well, I think that
about covers it.

Thank you very much, gregory.
It was a pleasure meeting you.

Thank you, dr. Forrest. Doctors.

I appreciate you taking the
time to talk with me, dr. Howser.

I've wanted to meet
you since I was a kid.

(Chuckles) no problem, really.
And call me doogie, greg.

If you don't mind, I
prefer "gregory."

Stuart and I feel
I've outgrown "greg."

- "Stuart"?
- My father.

Oh. So how long are you and,
uh, stuart gonna be here in l.a.?

- Two weeks.
- Oh, great. You'll have to
check out magic mountain.

There's this new ride called
the viper. Oh, it's unbelievable.

I don't think I'll have
much of a chance.

Stuart and I have decided to schedule
all my time observing here at eastman.

Oh, that's too
bad. Must be a drag

Having to come all the way to l.a. And
spending all your time with your dad.

Actually, I enjoy it. We read,

Attend lectures, play chess.

- Sounds pretty wild.
- Well, we do enjoy ourselves.

Uh-huh.

Man: I must say, david,
you've set a fine example.

Douglas is quite
an accomplishment.

Well, thank you, stuart.
We've certainly tried.

Don't be modest. As
parents of gifted children,

It's our responsibility to make
sure that their god-given talents

Aren't squandered in youth.

You've created a
17-year-old doctor.

Not many men can say that.

Well, to be honest,
I can't say it either.

Douglas became a
doctor on his own.

I actually think
that katherine's

And my greatest accomplishment
will be surviving his teens.

(Chuckles) don't get cocky, dad.
You still have three years to go.

All right. I've got rocky
road and chocolate chip.

I'm sorry, katherine.

We should have
mentioned it earlier.

Gregory and I don't eat
sugar. Right, gregory?

- Right.
- Too much glucose

Leads to hyperactivity and
can affect concentration.

- Right?
- Right.

Oh.

Huh.

Nice system. I've got a
compatible with 40 megabytes.

I just got the flight simulator.
Have you ever played that?

No. Stuart feels games
take up too much memory.

Doog, it's over.

I'm dead meat. Stick
a fork in me. I'm done.

- Who's the kid?
- Uh, vinnie delpino,
gregory peltzman.

How you doin'? Look, I got a major
crisis on my hands. Janine walked!

She won't come back till I recast
her as one of the teenage dead.

She wants to be hacked to
pieces, just like everybody else.

- What a prima donna!
- Relax, vinnie, we'll
just find someone else.

Uh, vinnie's making
a slasher movie.

It's not just a slasher movie.
It's a statement about life,

About angst-ridden
teens and their struggle

To overcome parental oppression.

Picture rebel without a cause

Meets texas chainsaw m*ssacre.

I'm sorry. I'm not familiar
with your references.

I've always considered going
to the movies a waste of time.

Get out.

He's joking, right?

Would you excuse me?

Talk about your
teenage dead. What a stiff!

Yeah, he's not really
a barrel of laughs.

See, uh, gregory's applied
to southwest medical school.

They want me to spend time with him
and then make a recommendation, but...

You want my recommendation?
Tell him to get a life!

Dr. Howser, may I
borrow some floss?

Uh, yeah. Help yourself.
And call me "doogie."

This kid is scary.
I'm outta here.

Was that the longest
night of our lives or what?

I mean, could you
believe those two?

I didn't know whether to feel sorry
for the kid or b*at him with a stick,

And his father...

Doogie, raising a prodigy
isn't as easy as it looks.

I can remember spending
a lot of sleepless nights

Wishing you were just
a little more average.

Yeah, but stuart's got him
programmed like a robot.

At least you let me
alone to do what I wanted.

Well, not exactly, douglas. You remember
you wanted to join the debate team,

And we enrolled
you into cub scouts?

Or when you wanted to take that

Summer school calculus course?

Well, we made you
go to camp chipmunk.

(Scoffs) do i?

♪ Chipmunks, chipmunks,
chipmunks we ♪

♪ Running, playing
and living free. ♪

I will never forgive
you guys for that.

Oh, honey, your father and I
just wanted you to enjoy life

And not bury
yourself in your books.

And luckily, I got some
unexpected help in that area.

Katherine...

What?

Doogie, the point is, we wanted
you to have some balance.

When you decided to
go to medical school,

We were satisfied you
weren't gonna wake up one day

And regret the
choice you'd made.

Yeah, but gregory
doesn't have a clue.

How am I gonna recommend him when
he doesn't know what he's giving up?

He's never had a
chance just to be a kid.

You know, you'd think in
a city of 10 million people,

Half of whom want to be actors,
I could find one maniacal k*ller.

What's wrong with you?

What do you think? Look at him.

He's calculating the
nutritional value of everything.

This kid won't lighten
up. Here, check this out.

This is a typewritten itinerary

Of gregory's and my
entire weekend together.

He's even scheduled
an 8:05 meeting

To discuss the schedule.

Wait a minute.

I got a brainstorm.

Suddenly I feel a
re-write coming on.

Oh, no, no, forget it.
He would never do it.

Oh, come on! It's
the perfect choice.

Who'd suspect an egghead kid?

Hello, vinnie.

Doog, I'm telling you, he's
got that certain something.

Look at this... This face!

He's the one. He's got it.

- Got what?
- Who cares if
he doesn't know movies.

He's got to be a quick study.

You're a genius, right?

- Well, yes, but...
- You know, vinnie,

I think I see what
you're saying.

Mm-hmm. Oh, but I'm sure

He wouldn't be interested.

Nah, nah, he'd never do it.

- Never do what?
- Oh, no, vinnie was
just suggesting

That you would be
perfect for... For...

Dr. Hyde, the
brilliant medical mind

That stars in my film.

Really, me?

You know, there is
a precedent for this.

Dr. Jonas salk was once
very big in dinner theater.

Well, it does sound
somewhat interesting,

But dr. Howser and I
are scheduled to observe

A laparoscopic gall
bladder operation

At 2:15.

I think we can arrange a change.

(Screaming)

(Chain saw revving)

Gregory: excuse me, but how
am I ever gonna catch her

- If she's running
and I'm limping?
- Vinnie: cut!

(Growling)

Uh, I don't see why I would
choose to eat the foot.

I mean, the heart or liver would
have much more nutritional value.

Cut! Cut!

Gregory, babe,

You're a cannibal! Cannibals
aren't finicky eaters!

Got a minute?

- We're gonna
be here all night.
- Not if I k*ll him first.

Doog... Doog...

I've had enormous cold sores that
were less annoying than that kid.

- Get rid of him.
- I can't.

Whether gregory realizes
it or not, he needs this.

- Doog...
- All right, I'll talk to him.

What are you doing?

Look, dr. Howser, I'm obviously
not what vinnie was looking for.

And I don't mean to insult you, but
it all seems rather frivolous to me.

Exactly, it's
called goofing off.

We enjoy it... It's one of the
little perks of being a kid.

And call me doogie.

Well, I'm sure stuart wouldn't
approve of me goofing off.

(Sighs) look, let me
make this simple.

You want to go to
southwest? It's my call.

So I'll make a deal with you. Forget
anything anyone's ever told you

About who you're supposed to
be or how you're supposed to act,

And just listen to vinnie.

- I don't think that's gonna...
- Trust me on this one.

For the rest of the day, you're
about to learn one of the most

Important tools you'll
need in medical school:

How to veg out.

Okay, doctor... Doogie.

Vinnie: go to eyeballs.

Cue the zombies!

(Moaning)

Good, good. Beautiful,
gregory! Beautiful!

(Groaning continues)

Show us your stumps, doog.

Don't scratch your
ear. The dead don't itch.

All right, greg, you're
scared for your life.

Act scared, gregory. Good! Good!

Oh, this is gorgeous.

Now, tear him limb from limb.

Struggle to survive, gregory.

Hey! Watch where
you throw that liver!

Who's got the brain?

Good, good.

Your boring life is
flashing before your eyes.

Okay, die.

Die, already!

Cut!

That was beautiful, kid.

I was truly moved.

I'm sorry. I need
a moment alone.

(Sniffling)

All right, greg!

Good job. What's next?

- You were fantastic.
- Vinnie: okay, that's a wrap.

- Let's eat.
- Wanda: yeah.

- This is really great.
- Doogie: want some whipped
cream on your pizza?

Here, have some
chips. How gross!

(Laughing) you pig.

(All laughing, chattering)

- Vinnie: are you happy now?
- (Phone ringing)

Get that.

Hello.

Oh, uh, hi, mr. Peltzman.

Yeah, yeah, just a sec.

Hello, stuart.

Great.

Well, actually, I think I'm gonna
be a little bit late getting back.

The gall bladder operation?

I didn't go.

(Mouthing words)

Uh, but I did see

An amputation.

I guess what I'm saying
is, the last few days

I got a chance to see
another side of him,

And now I'm completely
confident that gregory

Will do just fine at southwest.

I'm curious, dr. Howser.

- What exactly is
this other side?
- (Door opens)

I want to file a complaint

Against this kid.

Mr. Peltzman, I'm sorry,
but this is a private meeting.

Not anymore. It seems your
esteemed colleague here

Spent the weekend
in a blatant attempt

To undermine my son's
admission to this school.

- Now, that is not true.
- The hell it isn't!

He dragged him out of the hospital
to participate in some inane movie,

Plied him with junk food, and talked
him out of going to medical school.

- Douglas?
- N-n...

He didn't talk me
out of anything.

I thought I told
you to wait outside.

No, doogie didn't do anything.

All we did was have fun. We talked.
He told me about being a teenager,

About parties, about girls,
and about kissing with tongues.

I just don't want to go to
medical school right now.

I don't think you
know what you want.

I believe that he
influenced you.

You people are gonna
hear from my lawyer.

A premiere of my first
movie, and look at me.

I'm sweatin' from my cummerbund.

I feel sorry for the next
guy that rents this tux.

Relax, vinnie. It'll be great.

(Doorbell rings)

(Exhales)

- Hi, doogie.
- Gregory,

Mr. Peltzman, I'm glad
you could make it.

Are you kidding? Wouldn't
have missed this for the world.

- Are we late?
- No, no, it's just
about to start.

- Come on, dad.
- I'll be right there, son.

Douglas,

I want to apologize for
my behavior the other day.

You do?

It seems I was too angry to listen to
what gregory was trying to tell me.

Though I admit I'm still somewhat
disappointed in what's happened,

I love my son.

You helped gregory to regain something I
hadn't realized he'd lost... His childhood.

- Gregory: I almost got it.
- (All chattering)

- Wait! Wait!
- Mmm, got it, got it.

You got a great kid, mr. Peltzman,
and he's gonna make a great doctor.

Come on. It's gonna start.

Vinnie: good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you very much, and
welcome to the world premiere

Of the revenge of
the teenage dead.

Now, folks, I must warn you,

You may not be prepared for the
horror you are about to witness.

And now, brace yourselves
for the ultimate in terror.

(Somber organ music playing)

(Audience applauding)

(Thunder rumbling)

(Creaking)

My name is biff harris.

The story I'm about
to tell you is true.

If it wasn't, I
wouldn't be dead.

- (Thunder crashing)
- it all started
about two weeks ago

With my friends,
pete and mary sue.

(Girl screaming) how
did he get into the house?

- (Chain saw revving)
- does that answer
your question?

- Pete, get up!
- Get off, sue, get off!

It's coming. It's coming!
We're gonna die!

Vinnie narrating: for once
in her life, mary sue was right.

Stop it, mary sue! Do you
hear me? Get a hold of yourself!

(Shrieking)

I'm sorry, pete!

Don't worry, mary sue.
I'll think of something.

(Chain saw revving)

Oh, my god. It's coming.
We are gonna die!

- Ahh!
- (Blows landing)

Vinnie narrating: it
looked like it was the end

For pete and mary sue.

But there are no
rules for the undead.

The teenage zombies could
not control their bloodlust.

Every parent was on the menu.

(Laughing continues)

You okay?

"Okay"? I'm ruined.

My career hasn't even
started, and it's already over.

I think you're
overreacting a bit.

- (Laughing continues)
- listen to that.

They're in there laughin'.

At me.

Charlie chaplin once said,
"anyone can make 'em cry,

But it takes a genius
to make 'em laugh."

(Laughing continues)

(Snickers) so what you're
suggesting here is I'm a genius?

In a manner of speaking, yeah.

All week long, you
talked about being

The next hitchcock or
the next stephen king,

But you're not gonna
be one of those guys.

'Cause you're unique.

What you created in
there is... Is a delpino.

(Laughing continues)

Maybe you're right.

My work does have a
certain delpino-esque quality.

(Uproarious laughing)

Listen to that. They love me!

You know, doog, I may have
created my own genre...

A "horror-omedy."

People will be laughing
their heads off... Literally.

They'll pay an arm and
a leg to see my movies!

- Good night, son.
- Good night, doogie.

Mom, dad,

The other night, you said
you got some unexpected help

Making sure I grew up okay.

What were you talking about?

Uh, douglas, as you can imagine,

Vinnie was not exactly my
first choice for your best friend.

Or my second, for that matter.

But...

No one could bring
out the child in you

Like vincent delpino.

And in retrospect,

He was a godsend.

And if you ever tell him
that I said that, I'll disown you.

Good night, doogie.

Good night.

(Theme music playing)
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