05x02 - The Grant

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mad About You". Aired: September 23, 1992 – May 24, 1999.*
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Paul and Jamie Buchman face an unexpected challenge after 25 years of marriage when their daughter moves away from home to study at university.
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05x02 - The Grant

Post by bunniefuu »

[macarena plays]

You ready? One more time.

All right, here we go.

See? That's... That's
where you lose me on it.

Honey.

I know, I know.

♪ It's a lovely day today ♪

♪ So whatev... ♪

Honey.

Come on. You
don't wanna be late.

Ok, I'm up. I'm up.

Let's get you to work.

You wanna get brockwell elected,

You gotta have a full,
nutritious breakfast.

Let us not forget you
are now eating for two.

And I may not get a
chance to have lunch,

So you might be
eating for three.

Hey!

I'm up. I'm up.

Oh, look at you, you poor thing.

What are you, drunk?

Please.

Can I please have
a cup of coffee?

No!

'Cause coffee does a
pregnant body very bad.

Milk, on the other hand,
does a pregnant body good.

All right.

Now... Ask me.

I really don't want to ask you.

Please ask me.

Got milk?

Yessss!

Yes, I do!

Want some? Want some nice milk?

I do. I want a little bit
poured into a cup of coffee!

Mm, mm, mm-mmm.

Honey, the baby, the baby.

The baby's tough.
The baby can take it.

Come on! Buck up! I'm
doing this with you.

I've been off coffee
now since... Minutes.

Yeah.

I never felt better in my life.

Look at me. I can't move.

You know what...
Don't lecture me.

Look, if you are this tired,

Which is perfectly
understandable,

I say to you once again: quit.

Just quit your job.

[Muffled] I'm not gonna quit.

I don't know what
you just said there.

[More muffled] I
am not gonna quit.

Ok, so you're either
agreeing with me,

Or you're cursing me out.

I'm not going to quit.

Quit, quit. Ok, I thought
you called me a big piece...

I like lance brockwell.
I believe in him.

I think he's got a
lot of great ideas.

Good ideas. Unfortunately you
can't understand a thing he says.

Ok, granted he doesn't
speak in sound bites.

Sound bites?

The guy talks in sound gulps,

Sound seven-course meals,

Sound all-you-can-hear buffets.

Proud of yourself right now?

That's it. Yeah.

Can I ask you where's
your little friend

Doug berkus in all this?

He's not pregnant. Let
him work the big hours.

He's on an assignment in albany.

Yeah? What's he trying to
do, kiss the governor's wife?

You know what?
Last joke about that.

[Door buzzer]

I smell coffee.

Well, now you're just a big nut.

Ooh! Hey!

Hey!

Thank you.

All right, just keep it
away from her, will you?

No, no, no. Me, me, me.

Hey, what's the matter with
you? The woman wants coffee.

We're not drinking
coffee anymore.

Why? 'Cause, you know,
we've... It's a new thing.

We've made a couple
of lifestyle changes.

Like what? Like we're not
drinking coffee anymore.

What else?

Also...

We've decided to become
a bit more irritable.

Well, that's working.

The smell is k*lling me.

If you need me, I'll
be in the bedroom,

Taking it out on murray.

All right, sweetie.
So, you'll feel better?

You know, paulie,
it's actually quite...

Shut up.

Remarkable that you...

Aaah! Wait, wait. Careful.

Wow!

Wow!

You know, you two
got one weird marriage.

Ok, you saw nothin'.

If anybody asks,
I'm still irritable.

Just let me ask you,

How come suddenly
you two are off coffee?

'Cause, you know, we're
both getting older,

Plus, when mrs. Olsen d*ed,

You know, that
threw us for a loop.

Guess who called this morning.

Who? Uncle phil.

Uncle phil called?

Yeah, he wants you and me

To take a ride out
to see him today.

He said it's very important.

What does he want?

I don't know.

He must want something.

No, I asked, but he
wouldn't tell me.

What do you think it is?

Paulie, I don't know.

Uncle phil called?

Yeah, uncle phil called.

I wonder what he wants.

Why don't we take a ride
out to brooklyn to see?

You're gonna ride all
the way out to brooklyn?

Yeah, a little
ride. Oh, I can't.

Why not? 'Cause I got work.

I have till the end of this week

To figure out what movie I'm
gonna make with this grant money.

You got any ideas?

I got a million ideas.

So? It's not the ideas,

It's the sifting
through the ideas.

The sifting?

Yeah, I get ideas like that,

But it's the sifting. The
sifting's what kills you.

So... Sift in brooklyn.

Sure you can. You
can't sift in brooklyn.

I've sifted there. Ever
tried to sift there?

No, you didn't. Not
the good sifting.

Hey, would you just come
with me to uncle phil's?

Are my clothes on more
or less in the right places?

You look beautiful.
I just so don't.

You really do. Listen,

You just go and take
care and have a good day.

I... I... I did.

I couldn't help...
I'm a weak guy.

I'm very weak. I'm a weak man.

All right. I forgive you.

Ok.

Wow.

Bye, ira.

Come here.

Paul: get outta here!

There's gotta be some
reason uncle phil called us.

Hmm? Yeah, I know.

Hey,

Mm-hmm. Maybe he wants
to put us in his will.

Could be. Or take
us out of his will.

You think he has a will?

I don't know.

Oh, maybe he needs a kidney.

He's not getting my kidney.

Ok.

See the problem is, a
lot of these were good,

But they're dated now.

apollo : the one
that went smoothly?


Ok...

condiments.

Condiments?

Yeah.

Mustard, ketchup?

Ok, forget it.

Uh, excuse me.

Ain't this kinko's?

I... I'm sorry.

No, it's brockwell for
mayor headquarters.

You sure it ain't kinko's?

I'm really sure it's brockwell
for mayor headquarters.

What happened to kinko's?

I don't know.

Well, I need kinko's.
Where's the kinko's?

I gotta get to a kinko's.

I gotta ask you to
stop saying kinko's.

Let me call you back.

[Thick russian accent]
brockwellformayor.

Brrrockwellformayor!

Brrrrockwellformayor!

[Dial tone]

Boy, thisburnsmeup!

Boil that birdseed
up. That's what I heard.

Coffee, jamie.

Oh, boy.

Um... Thanks anyway, troy.

I'm actually trying
to quit coffee.

It's good. It's very, very good.

Fresh brewed.

Yes, I understand.

No, thank you.

It's sumatra!

I don't want it.

Well!

Pardon me for living!

It's on! It's on!

All right.

Reporter on tv: mr. Brockwell...

He might. You think
he'll stick to the text?

He's not gonna
stick to the text.

Regarding mass transportation,

In an increasingly congested

Urban environment,
urban environment?!

City. City!

It seems to me that
the entire system

Is predicated on
a false assertion.

In the cities of
mesopotamia... Oh, my god.

Entire populations were moved...

Uh, newyorkstimes onphone.

What?

newyorkstimes onphone.

I... I... I...

Onphone!

new york times on the phone!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

That's bill homan
from the metro desk.

He's calling to clarify
brockwell's statement on dr*gs.

Clarify? Try translate.

Bill. Hi.

dr*gs? Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

You'll have to forgive me.

I have a splitting headache.

Let me just find
the passage here.

No, no, I just quit coffee.

Huh! There's a drug
nobody talks about.

The whole world's
addicted to coffee.

People complain about
colombian drug lords?

How about juan valdez?

Crackhouses, no.

But a coffeehouse on every
corner, there's a good idea.

You wanna do
something about dr*gs,

Start by banning coffee.

Print that?

No, no, no, you
can't print that.

That's off the record.

I can too say so after!

Yes, I am! I'm
doing it right now!

It's off the record...
It's off... Hello?

[Dial tone]

Hello!

Oh, my god.

Ouch!

If the new york
times
prints this,

All hell's gonna break loose.

I'm so stupid.

No, no, no, no.
You're not stupid.

In fact...

This... This is
rather humorous...

The word "stupid" actually
comes from the latin...

Listen to me. Listen to me.

Listen to me.

Java hut coffee is one of
our biggest contributors.

If they pull their money,
we're out of business.

Java. Hmm.

You know, this...
This is interesting.

Ironically enough,

Java man himself
did not drink coffee.

[Whispering] I'm just...
I'm gonna call java hut.

Did you ever see that
documentary about the automat?

Yeah.

That was good.

Wish I'd made that one.

It's not the will.

It's not organs.

I know.

Paulie, it's my birthday.

He's having a surprise
party for me, isn't he?

Come on, you can tell me.

Yes. Yeah.

Uncle phil's having
a surprise party.

For you.

He's not, is he?

No!

Good.

Whew.

Ok. Horses. Horses.

Would you see a
documentary about horses?

Depends. What
would they be doing?

Whatever it is
they do, you know.

You follow the life of a horse

Through the years.

You start on a nice...

The baby horse, you know?

You start on the
little legs shaking,

And over the years, as
it gets bigger and grows,

And then it becomes...
It becomes, uh...

A horse.

No.

Man, I got nothin'.

[Reporters shouting questions]

Ms. Buchman, is it true

You will be quoted in
tomorrow's times as saying,

"Juan valdez is a
colombian drug lord"?

I think all of us at
one time or another

Have said something
completely untrue

Just to hear how it sounds.

So you're actually
a coffee drinker?

Yes. I like coffee very much.

Great. Can we get a sh*t
of you drinking coffee?

R-right now?

Yeah. Right now.

Drink a little coffee. Why not?

No reason.

Go ahead. Take a nice
big swig for everyone.

Look at that.

Yes, jamie, please.

Reporter, whispering:
let's get a picture.

Oh, you can do better than that.

Ok. Thank you for
coming, everybody.

Uh, ms. Buchman, have you
ever tried to give up coffee?

Mm-hmm.

Was it difficult for you?

Mm-mmm.

Did you feel better off coffee?

Mmm... If there are
any other inquiries,

I'd be very happy
to answer any...

Thank you. Thank you.

Jamie, that went well.

Mmm.

By the way, good work.

See you back at the office.

You're hiding something.

Mm-mmm.

Mmm, yes, you are.

Mm-mmm-mmm.

I know you're hiding something.

Mm-mmm-mmm.

Say your name.

Hmm?

Come on. Say your name.

Mmm... Come on, I dare
you, say your name.

Jamie buchman, it's jamie
buchman, all right? Happy?

[Knock on door]

Uncle phil!

Hey, uncle phil!

[Sniffing]

Hey, paulie, ok, all right,

Name that smell.

I don't know. What is that?

Come on.

Old spice... And onion rolls.

That's exactly...

♪ Lovely day today, so... ♪

Ira! Ira.

Ira! Ira.

Uncle phil!

Ira!

Ira, gimme a firm embrace, ira!

Oh, ira.

Paulie!

Get outta here!

Yes, sir. Paulie!

Gimme a firm embrace!

Ohh, paulie and ira.

Now... Give each
other a firm embrace.

Each other?

Family. Firm embrace.

Firm embrace.

Now simultaneously...
Uncle phil...

A firm embrace!

Come on... Unggh!

Too much. Too much.

Easy. Boy. Ok.

Ok.

Now, as far as the firm
embracing is concerned,

We're covered.

All right. Ok.

Take a seat. Take a seat.

Thank you. Make
yourself at home.

I have a wonderful hard candy

With a very soft fruit center.

That's ok. No, thank
you, uncle phil.

Ok, it's your funeral.

Ay-yi-yi.

Ah!

So.

Yesss.

So.

Yesss.

So, so what was it you
said was very important...

Yesss.

Family.

This is not a job for strangers.

We're not strangers.

This is a job for
only the people

In the immediate family.

Come closer. Come closer.

I have to tell you
something very important.

A little closer. Closer.

Come on, come on, come on.

Oy, that's too close.

Now, what I want you boys to do

Is to do for me a big favor.

You name it.

I want you two yeah?
To... Move the couch.

What?

Yes!

Move the couch?

Move the couch...
From here to here.

You want us to move the couch.

I could do it
myself, only I can't.

Can I ask you why?

Not to pry, but why you
suddenly need the couch moved.

All right!

I can't see the tv anymore.

Happy? Happy now?

Happy you made a
proud man confess

That, uh, tom brokaw is a blur?

Uncle phil... Uncle
phil, uncle phil.

Why don't we move the
tv closer to the couch?

Don't touch the tv.

You move that tv an
inch in either direction,

I lose blue.

I... I like blue.

All right, all right, look,

We'll move the couch.

Paulie, come on.

Let's move the couch.

To brooklyn to move a couch.

Hey, tomorrow
we'll go to nebraska,

We'll change a light bulb.

I heard that.

Petty, bitter sarcasm!

Yes!

You're right. That was
uncalled for, and I'm sorry.

Forgive me?

Firm embrace!

Firm embrace.

We ready?

I'll say ...

And you'll move the
couch toward me.

All right. All right?

And ready... And... !

?

I gave you an and.

Maybe if you start
with and then work up.

Oh! I know what you
mean. Here we go.

And ... And !

Do all the numbers
straight through.

I know. That was humor.
That was humor, ok?

Now... Now I'm giving
you the real mccoy.

Here we go.

Ready? Are you boys ready?

We're ready.

Ok, here we go.
And... ... And... !

And !

Oh, good, good.

Now what happens?
It's a heavy couch.

It's heavy. It's an eagle.
It's an eagle couch.

Eagle?

All right. Catty-corner,
catty-corner.

Where do you want it?

Too much cat. Too
much corner. Ok.

Turn... And slow the eagle down.

Ok!

The eagle has landed.

There we go.

All right. The couch is moved.

Yes, yes.

Phil, it was very
nice to see you...

Never mind! Never mind
"very nice to see you."

I know those good-bye words.

You worked hard.
We're quenching thirst!

Quenching thirst.

I have a beautiful

Strawberry-orange-
mango-peach drink.

You have to shake it.

You have to shake it.

If you don't shake it,

The peach is very intrusive.

It will dominate the drink.

You'll have to shake
it up. We'll shake it.

The peach!

The flesh of the
peach pulp is amazing.

It... It's like h*tler!

It... It does what it wants!

Paulie, listen, we
shake, we drink,

Then we go.

Look at all this.

What's this?

He's got all these
pictures under the couch.

Wow. Like photo albums
from the s here.

Hey.

Hey, paulie, you
know who this is?

Who's that?

This is your
father's aunt ruthie.

This is her at ellis island.

Really? Yeah.

Not so much pretty.

She was not from the lookers.

Do you believe what
he's got back here?

It's like a vault.

Orange-strawberry-mango-peach!

Shaken and shooken.

Thanks, uncle phil.

Right. Thanks.

Drink it up.

How's the peach?

It's good. It's very good.

Not too peachy.

It's fantastic.

What? Not enough peach?

Just nice. No, it's great.

Mango?

Peach and the
mango. Mango's good.

I can't believe what
you had back here.

You got all these pictures right
behind your couch. Look at this.

Who you got there?

Aunt ruthie?

Woof!

What a face.

What nerve, what nerve.

To come into a new
country with a face like that.

Look at that.

Who... Look. Look.

Tell me, who does this
person remind you of?

Look at that face.

She looks a little
bit like aunt rose.

No. No.

Aunt esther?

No... No. No.

Aunt ida.

Nope.

Who?

Jake lamotta.

I mean, look at that nose.

Look at that chin.

Most people got a
cleft, she got a cliff.

Amazing.

She looks a little
like a fighter there.

We had a fighter in the family.

We did? Yes. We
had a fighter. Louie.

Your great-uncle louie.

Louie raczinsky.

Never heard of him.

He fought under the
name of louie raczinsky.

Like a real fighter?
Professional fighter?

Oh! Oh! What moves! What moves!

Hooks, jabs, pfft!
Anything you want.

Dancing, boom!
Tippy-toe, tippy-toe.

Turn, go, , , ba! Ba!

He was fantastic!

Fantas... Until he
got into the ring.

When he got in the ring,

They hit him, he went
"oy," and he fell down.

Hey, uncle phil, what's this?

That's paulie? That's you!

That's paulie on a pony.

That's not me.

Oh, you're right.

You're right. It's a
picture of france.

You're right.

I went to france,
I liked france,

I took a picture of it.

But from here, it could
be paulie on a pony.

Paulie on a pony. France.

Paulie on a pony. France.

Paulie on a pony. France.

Rumania!

You went too close.

I went too close.

Hey, what's this say?

Does this say "nutty"?

That's your uncle nuddy.

Who's uncle nuddy?

This man is one of the
great men in our family.

This man's a hero
from the family.

Nuddy? Yes, nuddy!

Uncle nuddy was the
hatmaker to the czar!

He made caps and hats

And... And even w*r helmets!

For the czar!

So he worked
right with the czar?

He worked for the czar.
He was a wonderful...

He was a hero!

He took his entire village,

From the money
the czar gave him,

And moved that little village

From russia to new york!

That's the man! Mmwah!

A hero. He created a dynasty.

There was a dynasty?

Not exactly a dynasty,

But you see them
around, you know?

This is wild.

Hey, paulie, this'd
make a good movie, huh?

Wow.

You wanna make a thing of this?

This is fascinating stuff.
I don't want to lose it.

I'm touched. That's very nice.

You're a veritable fountain.

Oh, boy, wait'll you see
the height of the fountain.

Do you have any paper? I
wanna get some of this down.

I got a legal pad.

Close enough.

Huh?

And I got...

I got two eberhardts
still sharp.

Two eberhardts # .

I got everything.

First we'll take a little
refreshment break, ok?

Ok. All right.

You know what?

I like the couch the
way it was before.

Move it back!

Ready... !

What are you doing?

Cleaning out the egg things.

It's : in the morning.
Aren't you tired?

I'm exhausted. I can't sleep.

No. Wanna play checkers?

No. Chess?

No. Yah-tzee?

I'll kick your ass at yah-tzee.

All right. A little yah-tzee
and then good night.

Yippee!

We even have yah-tzee?
Yes. It's right under here.

All right, a little yah...

You would not believe the
stories he was telling me.

We had this
welterweight in our family,

This guy who's a
fighter in the thirties.

Apparently like
not great, but he...

I mean, all these people.

What a great idea for a movie.

You know, it's
like... my family.

Just... buchman!

That's the name of the film.

And just, you know,
over the years,

How the buchmans
came to this country

And converged and then scattered

And coursed through
the veins of america.

To me that's a great
movie, don't you think?

[Snoring]

I got pencils.

One is sharp. The other
one you have to bite a little.

Wait a minute.

Before... Let's take
a coffee break.

Since I ain't got coffee,

Let's take a cottage
cheese and melon ball break.

Good. Sounds good.

Ok? Whatever you got.

I got cantaloupe.

I got watermelon.

I got crenshaw. I got persian.

I got honeydew.

You name the melons,

I'll show you the balls.

Don't go!
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