05x07 - Outbreak

[bunniefuu]

J.p. Morgan.

Thank you.

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart
as much as you ♪

♪ Let's take each other's hand ♪

♪ As we jump into ♪

♪ The final frontier ♪

♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪

That's what I like to
hear on a checkup...

The pregnancy's going very well.

I could've just told about this one
on the phone. You didn't need to come.

That's all right. I
like coming with you.

Makes me feel like
I'm part of this thing.

Don't you anyway?

Well, frankly, sometimes you
and the baby get a little cliquish.

What?

You know what you're
getting? The glow.

You're getting that...
That pregnant woman glow.

I am?

Yeah. I think tonight
I may read by you.

I'm getting more than the glow.

Pretty soon we have
to start telling people.

We will.

When?

When we said.

A couple of months.

Yeah, a couple of months ago.

Well, then, I guess now.

Really? We're telling people?

[Elevator bell dings]
oh, I don't know. Are we?

We're having a baby.

Well, congratulations.

I guess we are.

Oh, let it go. She's
a total stranger.

Well, you don't know that.

She could know somebody we know.

It's like that kevin bacon game.

What is that, you drink a sh*t
every time he does something?

No, that's bob newhart.

Kevin bacon... Kevin
bacon, the game is

You can connect any movie
star to kevin bacon in steps.

Like robin williams?

Robin williams was in garp

With john lithgow,

Who was in footloose
with kevin bacon.

Marlon brando.

Marlon brando was in superman

With ned beatty,

Who did deliverance
with burt reynolds,

Who made striptease
with demi moore,

Who did a few good
men with... Kevin bacon.

You have too much
time on your hands.

The point is if marlon brando is
steps away from kevin bacon,

That woman could know
somebody that we know.

They get to talking, they
realize they both know us,

She tells them we're pregnant...
Boom, our secret's blown.

I'll risk it.

Maybe I'm just upset 'cause
you got to tell the first person.

You know what? I'll call
somebody. I'll feel better.

No, no, no, no, no, you can't
just start calling people up.

Why not?

People are funny
about this sort of thing.

Remember when your mom found out

She wasn't the first to
hear about our engagement?

That was a rough
couple of years.

We have to handle
this very carefully,

Or there could be a
lot of hurt feelings.

I can't believe we got all this
food for one meal. It's thanksgiving.

Hey, it's thanksgiving. Everybody's
gonna be over here anyway.

Why don't we just tell 'em then?

See, now you're thinking.

That's very clever.
Nobody gets hurt.

Exactly.

Why kevin bacon anyway?

Huh? Oh, apparently they
tried it with mickey rourke.

It didn't take.

Oh, by the way, paulie,

I'm not gonna be able to
make it to thanksgiving.

Why not?

I have a date.

On thanksgiving?

Yeah.

What, that makes me a pervert?

No, I'm not... I'm not
judging, it's just...

Bring her along.

Ah, we got a big
night planned, paulie.

We got the honeymoon
suite at the pierre.

Can you get out of it?

Yeah, I could...
If I was an idiot.

It's just that it would
mean a lot to jamie and me.

Yeah? Why?

Well, you know,
it's thanksgiving.

So what? Paulie, you've had,
like, thanksgivings in a row.

Yeah, well, maybe
there's a reason

That this one's
gonna be special.

Oh, yeah? Your
family gonna be there?

Sure.

You gonna have turkey?

Yeah.

You're right. That
does sound special.

Maybe there's some reason

You don't want to miss this one.

Yeah? What kind of reason?

No reason. No reason. Just...

You know what?

Come. Don't come.
I don't really care.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You know what's strange?

Yeah. Having a date
on thanksgiving.

No.

For a year you and james

Have talked about nothing
but trying to have a kid.

Then suddenly, you stop
talking about it altogether, and...

Now there's some special reason?

So?

Well... What?

Please. What?

Just say it. Say what?

Come on. Say what?

James and i... Are
having thanksgiving...

Are pregnant. No, we're not.

Pregnant. No. No.

Pregnant! Yes, yes, ok!

We're pregnant.

Ok?!

Now... Listen to me!

You cannot tell
anybody about this.

If jamie finds out I told you,

I swear my kid will only
know me through stories.

Why? What's the big deal? You
gonna tell people, or aren't you?

Yes, but we don't
want this information

To get out before
it's supposed to.

Information? What information?

That the, uh, the pierre

Is having a big
thanksgiving thing.

Oh.

You called fran? I called fran.

All right. This is
gonna be such a relief.

I don't know how much longer
either of us could keep this a secret.

Yeah, well, it's the
worst with your mom.

Well, most things are.

She is relentless. I just have
to avoid her until the news is out.

You know, if you did
cr*ck and tell one person,

I would really understand.

No, no, no, I won't.

No, but really, I
wouldn't even be mad.

It's not an issue.

All right. Well,
just so you know.

And, like...

I'm sure if I slipped
and told somebody,

I'm sure you would understand.

You didn't?

No, no, no.

Good.

Maybe ira.

Paul!

I didn't mean...
You weren't there.

He was all over
me. It wasn't human.

Great.

So figure by now,
ira's told burt,

Who god forbid has told sylvia,

Who's probably told debbie...

Told her boss, whose
cousin is meryl streep,

Who was in the
river wild with...

Kevin bacon. Kevin bacon.

Paul: ira. Hey.

Jamie and I have
something to ask you.

If you tell a single
soul, I'll k*ll you.

Really more of a
statement, actually.

What are you talking about?

Paul told me he told you.

Told me what?

It's ok.

She knows.

Knows what?

Ira, I know you
know I'm pregnant.

James! You're pregnant?

Congratulations!

Thank you. Thank you very much.

So you haven't told anyone?

Hey. Did I just prove
nothing to you?

He's got a very
good point there.

Really? No one?

No one.

Well, in the interest
of total honesty,

Oh, my god, who?
I did tell one guy.

Relax. He's completely
outside your sphere.

Who did you tell?

What? The guy who cuts
my hair on the corner.

Arturo?

Yeah. How'd you know?

I recommended him to you!

Oh.

Whoops.

What are you doing,
going to jamie's guy?

He's a magician. Feel this.

I don't wanna feel it.

Oh, my god. Lisa
recommended him to me.

James, let the information
flow naturally.

We're all adults here.

Yeah, right.

No, we're adults,

And you're a big, stupid,
secret-telling baby.

Would you come on?

So she's telling me how
much her husband loves her,

And I just got through
cutting his girlfriend's hair.

Arturo! Jamie!

Whatever you do,
don't say anything...

Oh, my god. Lisa.

You guys even get
your hair cut together?

That's so codependent.

Jamie...

Ira was talking all
about you this morning.

Really? What'd he say?

Um, could we talk to
you for just a minute?

Sure. Listen, when is the...

Somewhere in
private. Please. Maybe.

Jamie, if this is about
you dyeing your hair,

I already know.

I don't dye my hair.

O... K.

Jamie, you don't look
any... Hey, arturo...

You know what has
always fascinated me...

Is the ethics of
a beauty parlor.

Mmm.

I would imagine you have
very strict rules about

Not repeating something you
hear from one client to another.

Are you kidding?

That's the only thing that
keeps me from sh**ting myself.

Say the people whom the
thing was about came in

And specifically
asked you not to.

Ahh...

This is about you
two having that baby!

What?!

Oh, my god!

That's so wonderful.

Oh, my god. Good boy!

Listen, the only reason arturo knew
before you was because ira happened...

You know what? It
doesn't even matter.

Please, don't even give
it a second thought.

Hold it!

ira knew before I did?

Yes.

You guys blow.

You have to do me a favor.

You have to promise not
to tell this news to anyone.

Oh, ok. Now I mean it.

Seriously.

What? I can keep a secret.

Did you know that sanford
wet his bed up until college?

No, because I can keep a secret.

Lisa, you are going to have
to grow as a person here.

You can't tell a
soul. Promise me.

Ok. I promise.

Thank you. Thank you.

Did you t... Excuse me.

Did you tell anybody?

I think I said something to a guy
who came in after ira. A car salesman.

Do you remember
anything else about him?

His scalp was very dry.

Do you remember anything about
him not pertaining to his hair?

His name?

Uh... Yes... Mel slotkin.

Mel slotkin.

Mel slotkin.

Do we know any car
salesman named mel slotkin?

No. All right.

So we'll let that one go.

Hey, hey, hey, who
does your hair?

Who d... Why?

Jamie: hey!

Ooh. Gotta go.

Who were you talking to?

Just sanford.

Did you tell him?

Uh-huh.

What, you hold
out for seconds?

I couldn't help it.

Well, call him back.

You see this mousse?

You put this in, it disappears.

No one knows you wear it, makes you
look handsome, people don't know why.

Hey, honey? Listen...

You can't say a word about
what I just told you, ok?

Oh, my god. That is so sweet.

Ok.

What? Guess what
sanford just did.

He called this muzak station
he listens to, you know, wded,

Oh, god. To us? And he
dedicated a song to you.

Yeah. you're having my baby
to paul and jamie buchman.

Great. So now

Only people with
electricity will know.

Not to mention they have to
listen to you're having my baby.

Gimme that. I'm gonna call

The station and stop it.

You probably won't get through.

It's blocks away. I
can be there in minutes.

Godspeed, woman.

Oh, wait, wait, wait!

James?

Oh, for god's sake.

Hi! Fran!

I missed you.

Female deejay: now here's
an old favorite of mine,

And you know what it
always means when we play it.

♪ Havin' my baby ♪

♪ What a lovely way of sayin'
what you're thinkin' of me ♪

♪ I can see it ♪

♪ Your face is glowing ♪

Fran, we'll get
together. Right now...

I know. You're too busy.

You've been meaning
to call. There's no time.

Look, if you're tired of me,

Then just do the humane
thing. Cut me loose right now.

Fran, you're my friend.
You're my best friend.

But right now I
gotta go, I'm sorry!

♪ I can see it ♪

♪ Your face is glowing ♪
hey!

Hello! Hello!

♪ I can see it ♪

Hello! Hello!

That's you're having my baby,

Going out to paul and jamie
buchman from sanford and lisa.

Congratulations.

Aaaaah!

Hiya, pop. Hi.

What did you do to your hair?

You like it?

Well...

[Spanish accent] do
you think I'm handsome,

But you don't know why?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.
That's what I'm goin' for.

Hey! You wanna
play poker tonight?

Tonight? Oh, you know
what, poppy, I can't.

You still playing
with the same guys?

Yeah, you know, same as usual.

Miller, bryant,
slotkin, campanella.

Slotkin?

Yeah, mel slotkin.
Oh, he's a cheater.

Mel slotkin... Does
he have dry scalp?

How would I know?
How would I know?

He's just a crooked car dealer
who wormed his way into our game.

Yeah. He's a car dealer?

You know what, I think I
will stop by for a few hands.

Oh, good, good, good. Ok.

[Laughs]

Ira, shut up.

Ira, who's watching
the register?

There's nobody here, uncle burt.

Why don't you just put
out the "please rob me" sign?

Hey, paulie, james get
the flowers I sent?

You sent her flowers?

Yeah.

To the apartment?

Yeah. Wait till
you see the card.

It's a little blue
and pink and...

Ira, debbie's in the apartment
right now making pies.

So she'll read the card.
She'll know. So what?

Paulie, would
you just give it up?

This is like a virus. Information
is spreading all over the place.

There's a monkey in africa

Who knows you're pregnant.

Hi.

Oh, paul.

Make fun of my
hair, I'll slap ya.

No. No, it's good.

Yeah, all right, good. Whatever.

Did any package
come for jamie or me?

No. You were
expecting something?

Uh, no. Then why...

Because we get packages
constantly. Literally.

Like the phrase "did
anything come?"...

That's pretty much
replaced "hello" around here.

Paul, are you all right?

Yes. Yes. I just...

Maybe a little
pre-thanksgiving stress.

[Telephone rings]

I'm fine. Why?

Hello.

How could you?

How could I what?

What?

You two are having a
baby, and you didn't tell me.

Oh, gee, uh, theresa,
um, I'm so sorry.

Sorry about what?

How long have you known?

Um... ... Months?!

Yes.

Are you telling me that all the
time my marriage was crumbling

You knew this, and you
didn't even bother to tell me?

I... You know... It's all right.

It was rather enjoyable
hearing about it on the radio.

Again, I can only
apologize about that.

My little girl is having a baby.

Oh!

Ha ha. Uh, yeah.

Do you know what that makes me?

Yeah, that makes you, um...

Um, one of those women-people.

You can say the
word. I don't mind.

In fact I wanna
hear it. Say it, paul.

What word? Well, you know...

Well, it makes you a... [Ding]

there's a pie. You know what?

I gotta go. Ok. Bye.

Paul, what was that about?

That... That was nothing.

Nothing?

That was nothing.

None of your business.

No. You're not gonna tell me?

How can you not tell me?

When you need to
know, you'll know.

Fine. Fine.

If that's the way you're
gonna be, that's fine.

Hey, deb, I'm a big boy now.

If I have a secret I don't
wanna tell ya, you can't make me.

Fine. But sisters whose
brothers keep secrets from them

Don't help with the
thanksgiving pies.

I didn't know that was a rule.

Yes... Hello.

Excuse me!

I believe these are yours.

Thank you. I got it.

Would you please have
your delivery people

Be more precise in future?

This exact same
thing happened in

With that muffin basket.

Sorry about that.

Gimme the card. Gimme that card.

Debbie, give it to me. No.

What a wonderful role model

You're going to
be for this child.

Child?

I'm afraid so.

I swear you and ira are
the only ones who know.

[Ostentatious cough]

And her.

Things:

... Congratulations, paulie.

This is wonderful news.

I'm so happy I could cry.

Thank you.

... You're a son of a bitch.

Hey, deb...

What have you done to your hair?

I'm so tired of you.

I haven't seen her in forever,

And she just blows me off.

What could've been so important?

I've set up the
pizza in the kitchen,

Which is exactly
where you'll be eating it

Because I don't want
stains on the carpet.

Now, if you'll
excuse me, I'm leaving

Before the universe ends from
a woman being at a poker game.

Let's eat.

Pizza? I shouldn't.

I got an occlusion.

Coming, slotkin?

Give me a minute.

Sylvia. Sylvia...

Let me show you a picture
of my new grandson.

Ohh, he's beautiful.

Yeah, isn't he?

Yeah, would you
like to see a picture

Of my new grandson?

Yeah. So would i.

Oh. Mom, hi.

Where you going?

I'm going to your wife's house

To help her prepare the only
thanksgiving dinner in america

without a kiddie table.

All right. Bye now.

Hi.

Is my dad in there? Hey.

You're burt's son.

The one having the baby.

Mel slotkin.

Yeah. Yeah, hi. Ok, listen...

About that, I would
really appreciate it

If you didn't tell
my father about it.

Tch! I wouldn't give
burt the satisfaction.

He and I have a
lot of bad blood.

Well, whatever the
motivation, it's just that...

We're not really
telling people yet,

So I think he would be
hurt if he found out from...

Oh, if it will hurt
him... Excuse me.

Wait, wait a second.

You can't tell him.

Yes, I can.

Right, I grant you
that physically you can.

I'm just saying...
Come on. Morally?

Tch.

Ethically?

How much? I'll pay you not to.

Bucks?

.

.

For , I drop hints.

All right, fine.
Ok, here. Bucks.

Well, look who's here.

Slotkin, this is my boy paulie.

Yes, we've met.

Dad, dad, listen, it
turns out I can't play

'Cause I gotta run home,

Gotta stop a big thing.

Is it that you don't want kids?

No, we do.

Because I have to say,

That is a very selfish attitude.

We want them. We
plan to have them.

Plan? Plan when?

Soon.

"Soon." Months soon? Years?

Soon soon.

So you'll never have a child.

That is a choice you can make.

That won't happen.

My son will die childless.

But the important thing is,

You will have had a
lot of nice dinners out.

All right, sylvia.

I know I'm gonna regret
this, but the truth is...

No, wait. Don't. Don't.

Don't what?

Put marshmallows in the yams.

[Crying]

Joan, what's wrong?

Oh, nothing.

Well, you don't
cry over nothing.

I was on my way up
to see paul and jamie.

Debbie and I had our
first big fight. Over what?

Well, I knew something,
and I didn't tell her.

It's not good to have
secrets. What was it?

Where I come from,
they call this...

A straight flush.

Your son's having a kid.

[Paul tapping on wineglass]

Everybody, your
attention please.

We have a little
announcement to make.

I wonder what that could be.

Oh, what? You're
buying a new house.

All right. All right.

Paul and i... Are having a baby.

Yeah, yeah, good for you.

Hey, could we eat now?

Hey, hey, come
on, this is big news.

It's not big news.
It's old news.

You handled this very badly.

Oh, come on, let's not worry
about who found out when.

Oh, easy for you to say.
You knew before they did.

All right, all right, look...

Admittedly we
didn't do the best job

Of making this public, but...

Come on. We're new at this.

Maybe next time we'll do better.

But regardless of who
here found out first,

The important
thing is that you...

Our family, our friends,

The people closest
to us in the world...

You are the only
people on the planet

Who know this information.

[Doorbell buzzes]

Just a second.

Is this hal and
maggie's apartment?

Uh, no, actually,
they're across the hall.

I know you!

You're the couple
from the elevator.

Hey, kev,

These are the people I
was telling you about.

Oh, yeah.

How you doing?

I hear you're having
a baby. That's great.

Happy thanksgiving.

Yeah. Thanks a lot.