05x13 - Astrology

[bunniefuu]

Can you put eggs
in the microwave?

[Pop] [squish]

[Microwave beeping]

No.

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart
as much as you ♪

♪ Let's take each other's hand ♪

♪ As we jump into ♪

♪ The final frontier ♪

♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪

Paul: so, professor tomassi,

How'd you like my documentary?

Professor tomassi:
your film? Buchman?

Yes. Did you get a
chance to watch it?

Yes, I did.

And?

Truthfully?

Please.

I thought it was wonderful.

Ohh! Get outta here!

I found it to be very
moving, well-paced...

Oh, good.

Marvelously
spirited... Good, good.

I cared about all
the characters.

Good, good, good.

And I found your
editing very judicious.

Boy, coming from you,
that is high praise indeed.

Ohh. And... And the music?

Oh, I thought the
music was wonderful!

Oh, good, good,
good, good, good.

Boy. Well, uh, sh**t me now,

'Cause that's all
I need to hear.

I thought there were a few
patches near the beginning

That you might want
to look at again.

Yeah, 'cause it's not
totally finished yet.

Oh, I understand.

Especially the beginning.

That's the area I'm
still playing with.

It's only just a few minutes...
Right at the beginning.

Ok. Yeah, yeah, sure. Of course.

But basically...

Basically, I thought
it was a brilliant film.

Ok. Good, good, good, good.

Oh, boy.

Well, professor tomassi,
thank you so much.

[Knock on door] yes?

Professor, can I talk to
you before class today?

I will be with you
in just a minute.

Say hello to my favorite
student of all time...

Paul buchman.

Hi. How you doing?

Watch classic
films and remember:

Emulate, but never imitate.

Hi. Oh, sorry I'm late.

So, what did he say?

Ok. Ask me how much he liked it.

How much did he like it?

this much!

Yay!

Who? My professor.
My... My mentor.

Your mentor loved your movie?

This is what I'm saying.

Are you looking
for an onion bagel?

Uh-huh. Ah, whatever.

I ate it. That's ok.

I ate of them. That's fine.

... / . I ate
/ onion bagels.

Is that a problem?
It's really not.

You know I'm
pregnant. I understand.

Did you ever wear
that sweater I got you?

What sweater?

That one I bought you.

The white one with the baby
face embroidered on the belly.

Yes, of course I wore
it. It looked great.

You really wore it?

Yes. I wore it to a party
we went to last weekend...

At some friends'
house in new jersey.

What?

You did not.

Yes, I did.

Liar!

I love the sweater. I
wore it over and over...

James... All right. It's
not my favorite sweater.

It's ok. I wanted to
like the sweater.

Hey, you know
what? It's no big deal.

It's sweet you feel
you have to lie about it.

I was just being
nice. Was that a lie?

[Door buzzes] uh... No.

I gotta say,

When you start making
up friends in new jersey,

It's pretty close to a lie.

Hey, nat.

Hey there. Ho there.

Jamie: hi, nat.

[Murray barks]

Hey, there's mr. Murray.
There's murray antoinette.

There's my murray magdalene.

Good boy.

Nat, would you like
something to eat?

Oh, no, thank you.

I just had a short
stack of flapjacks.

Ok. You know everybody.
Lisa... Hey there.

Jamie: ira. Ho there.

Hey, nat. How's it going?

Oh, real good, thank you.
Very good, knock on wood.

I'm particularly
ebullient this morning,

'Cause my sister
dorie... Bless her heart...

I call her dorie. Her
true given name is doris.

She's staying with me
in town for a few days.

Where's she from?

She currently
resides in plattsburgh.

That's the northern
part of new york state.

It's a real small hamlet,
right off route .

Hey, licorice.

You know, interestingly enough,

She's very gifted, uh,

At astrological, um...

My sister, she gives
advice to people

Based on the configurations
of their planetary, uh...

She's an astrologer.

That's exactly right.

Oh, oh, oh. Would
she do my chart?

Uh, not sure about that.
She's here on vacation.

Is this some kind of
fortune-telling, nat?

It's a bit more scientific than
that crystal ball crap-olay.

Do you know, I have never
ever had my chart done.

Y'know, mr. Buchman,
under these conditions,

Perhaps my sister would
be willing to do your chart,

Seeing as you're my
employer and all that jazz.

Sweetie, when are you
gonna have the time?

How about later this afternoon?

Count me in, too.

Really?

Sure. I'm not doing anything.

Well, me, too. It was my idea.

I'd better jot all this down.

Hah. I got my whole
life in this thing.

Put the of us... You know
what? Put her down, too.

I'm not doing it.

Why not? Because.

Put her down.

We were gonna go
see that : movie.

We'll go to a
movie another time.

Put her down. This'll be fun.

Nat: okey-dokey.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I got an antsy pooch
on the line here.

[Murray barks]

Come on, fred mcmurray.

Come on, maria
shriver-schwarzenegger.

Come on murray schisgal.

[Closes door]

Hey, we weren't
going to a : movie.

I'm pregnant.

All right.

Dorie: you see here?

Mercury has been in retrograde.

Mercury has been in retrograde?

No wonder my life sucks!

Yeah, but check this out:

Mars and venus are in
superior conjunction,

Both with the sun
and each other.

Now, what that's telling me is

You may find a... A big change

Taking place in
your life very soon.

A big change?

Menopause?

No, no. I don't
think that's quite it.

What is it then?

I think it's just a matter of
how you choose to perceive it.

How i have to choose
to perceive it? Yeah.

What am I paying you for?!

There are no planets
in your seventh house.

Come on. You
gotta be kidding me.

There must be one.

No. None.

And your saturn
has a negative aspect.

Boy, that can't be good.

What's that mean?

Heartbreak.

You're in for some
heartbreak, ira.

You see, dorie, now
I know you're nuts,

Because I'm not even
going out with anybody.

I don't make this stuff up.

I know. I'm not doubting you,

But how the heck am I gonna
find myself heartbroken

If nobody's anywhere
near my heart?

I don't know what to tell you.

It's kind of ironic,
too, you know?

How so?

You know, I'm not unattractive.

No, you're not.

I'm not uninteresting.

Certainly not.

I'm not without a
modicum of charm.

Not at all.

I'd have to say you're
quite the catch.

Really?

No, things look
wonderful for the film,

Especially around the th.

If you have any re-editing
or anything to do,

The th is a very
auspicious day.

Ok. Just out of curiosity,
how does the th look?

I got a dental appointment.

[Typing]

Keep it.

All right. Good.

There is one thing I
do have to mention.

Death? Is it early
death? I knew it.

No, no, no. No. It's just
something you should be aware of.

Someone close to you
might be experiencing some...

Intense feelings.

Perhaps anger,
resentment, jealousy.

Perhaps directed at you.

Jealousy? Perhaps.

But who would be jealous of me?

I don't know. I couldn't
say. Somebody in your world.

But it doesn't say?

No. It doesn't give names.

Initials?

No.

Tattoo? No.

Scar? No.

Birthmark? No.

Just taking a wild guess here.

Is it bald british rocker seal?

So I admit I'm a little
bit skeptical, but...

This is so strange.

Well... Something
is not right here.

You say you were
born february , ?

That's right. : A.m.

On the east coast?

Hartford, connecticut.

Insurance capital of the world.

Yes.

I do read my horoscope
sometimes in the paper,

And I have to say, it's never
even been a little bit accurate.

Well, it's not the same as this.

I know. They have to keep those
things pretty general, right?

Yeah, exactly.

Even so, I'm an aquarius.

Yeah, I know.

And I've read descriptions

Of what aquarians
are supposed to be like,

And it's never even
been remotely like me.

Yeah, I know.

Huh.

What?

Can I ask you a question?

Yes.

Are you being honest with me?

Yes. I think I'm being
very honest with you.

Well, because from
what I'm reading here,

The truth seems to present
quite an obstacle to you.

Excuse me?

Well, let me just
try to rephrase this.

Do you find that you are...

Uncomfortable with certain
aspects of truthfulness?

I think I'm quite comfortable
with truthfulness,

Thank you.

You know what?

I don't think this
is gonna work out.

What do you mean?

I mean... I can't
read your chart.

Why not? You read
everyone else's chart.

Why can't you read
mine? That's what you do!

Yeah, it is, but... You got the
printout right in front of you.

Why can't you just
tell me what it says?

Because it's all lies, ok?

It's the chart of a liar.

A liar?

Yeah, a liar.

The chart says very clearly:

You are a liar.

I'm not a liar. How
dare you call me a liar?!

It's not me. It's the
planets. Here, take a look.

I don't have to look at
this thing. It's ridiculous.

You are a liar, a terrible liar,

And you are wasting my time.

Hah! I'm wasting your time?!

You know what? I really, i...

I would like you to leave now.

Hah!

Believe me... No problem.

Did you have a good
session there, mrs. Buchman?

Paul: murray!

It was you!

you!

Murray's jealous of me.

Think about it. I got
everything he wants.

I got food and pants.

[Door buzzes]
jamie: oh, stop it.

Nat!

Hey there.

[Somber] ho there.

What are you doing here?

Well, uh, very much to
my dismay, mrs. Buchman,

After what I witnessed
earlier today at my sister's,

I unfortunately feel that it would
be best for everybody concerned

If I were to terminate
my employment with you

As your canine
leisure engineer...

Effective immediately,
unfortunately.

Huh?

I quit.

What do you mean? What's this?

Nat, are you sure?

Your sister and I
had a disagreement,

But that doesn't have to
change things between us.

I'm very fond of my sister.
Jamie: of course you are.

We're very close
indeed. Jamie: I'm sure.

And as fond as I am of you...

And believe me, I'm very, very
fond of you, mrs. Buchman...

Given a choice, I gotta
go with my sister.

Yeah. Well, I understand that.

Well, you know, blood's
thicker than water.

Yeah. I... I... I did go to great pains
to avoid that particular cliché.

Nonetheless, it is true.

Very, very true. So, uh...

Good-bye, mrs. Buchman.

Good-bye.

Good-bye, mr. Buchman.

Bye, uh, natty.

Bye, murray.

[Whimpers]

Bye, jim murray. [Whimpers]

Bye, murray,
murray, quite con...

I gotta get out of here, or I'm gonna
start bawling like a little baby boy.

Well, I hope you're happy.

Me? Oh, no, no.

Yes. If you hadn't sent me
to see his cockamamie sister...

Excuse me. If you hadn't
had the chart of a liar...

I am not a liar.

Well, I don't know
that I believe you.

Ira: paulie, what did you do?

Tomassi said there were some
rough patches in the beginning.

So you tore your film apart?

I didn't mean to.

I was just playing
with the beginning,

Then I moved some
of it to the middle.

Then I moved the
middle to the end,

Then I took a part of the end,

And I put it near the
beginning of the middle.

What's this?

That's the french connection.

I don't know how
it got in there.

This is pathetic.

Hey, are you jealous of me?

No. You already asked me that.

You know who's
jealous of you? Who?

This guy. This clown tomassi.

Get outta here!

Think about it.
You're living the life,

He's out there talking about it.

Those who can, do.
Those who cannot, teach.

So, you're saying
that's why he...

Look at what he's
put you through.

The man is sick. Sick.

Tomassi?

Tomassi. Tomassi is the one.

So it was tomassi all along.

That's right, paulie.

You do what you
gotta do, my friend.

[Knocks]

Come in.

Paul.

Professor.

Have you taken
another pass at this?

Yes, I have... Based
on your little note...

If that's what it was.

What else would it have been?

I don't know.

You tell me.

You tell me. Oh, perhaps
a feeble little jab?

A desperate pin-prick?

A pathetic cry for help?

Paul, what are
you talking about?

I have to say, never,
never in a million years

Would I have guessed that
you would be jealous of me.

I'm jealous?

Ok. Yes. On one level, I get it.

I'm out there, I'm
doing it, I'm living it.

You're here. You're
just talking about it.

Those that can, do.
Those that can't, teach.

I understand that.

But I always thought you
were a bigger man than that.

I can't believe you're
talking to me this way.

You wanna know
what gave you away?

It was your choice
of feeble jab:

"The beginning has a
few rough patches."

Come on! Am I stupid?

Do you think I'm stupid?

This film plays perfectly from
beginning to end, smooth as silk.

There's nothing wrong
with it. I know it, you know it.

But still, you had
to find something...

Some little negative something

Just to ruin my parade.

I am on to you, professor.

I was just trying
to be diplomatic.

The fact is, the whole
first hour of this film

Put me into a cinematic coma.

The exposition is boring,

The ellis island
stuff is cloying,

And your mother is
so far over the top.

Unless you want to be laughed
out of every film festival

Between here and budapest,

I suggest that you edit this ponderous
little home movie with a blowtorch!

And you're not just saying
this because you're jealous?

Get out.

Big change, big
change. Let's see...

Earth spins off its axis,
and I'm the only survivor!

[Gasp]

Too big.

Girl, can you help me?

Oh, do you have a
big change for me?

No.

Then I can't help you.

Ms. Stemple.

Huh?

What are you doing?

I'm on my break.

We have customers waiting.

My astrologer told me I
have a big change coming,

So I'm trying to
figure it out, ok?

That's it.

What?

You're fired.

I'm fired?

You heard me.

That's it!

That's what?

The big change!

Don't you see? It just happened!

Oh, my god!

Oh, that's such a relief.

Jamie: how'd it go with tomassi?

Not a big hit.

Look at this.

It's my fourth grade
science project.

What is it?

The planet earth as it will
appear in the year million.

It's so small.

What is that?

Sweetie?

Look at this.

Birth certificate?

Isn't that weird?

Many people have them.

Look at the birthday.

"February th."

Exactly.

Hey, that's not your birthday.

Exactly.

That's weird.

It's only off by one day.

It's my birthday.

[Ring] [beep]

Hello?

Hi, mom, it's me.

Oh, jamie, honey, I'm
so glad you called.

What's another word
for finely sharpened?

Um... Honed?

No. Uh-uh. It's letters.

Have you got any of them?

Yeah. Blank, blank, "e," "n."

Keen.

Keen?

Mom, I just found
my birth certificate

In all the stuff you sent me...

It is keen. Oh, that's great,

Because "australian
cuddly" is a koala,

Which begins with
the "k" from keen.

Oh, honey, thank you.

You are such a bright kid.

I love you. Bye-bye.

Wait, mom... [Beep]

[Dial tone]

[Redialing] my
mother hung up on me.

[Ring] [beep]

Hello?

Mom, listen. I came
across my birth certificate

In all the stuff you sent me.

Y-yes?

Yeah. It says my
birthday is february th.

Oh?

The hospital make a
mistake or something?

Well, of course they...
They... They made a mistake.

What other explanation
could there be?

I don't know.

Don't you take that
tone with me, young lady.

What are you talking about?

I did it all for you.

You were starting preschool,

And the cutoff
date was the th,

And you were too bright a kid
to stay home for another year,

And so I fudged it.

You fudged my birthday?

Yes, I fudged it!
I'm a fudger! Ok?!

I knew you were going
to find out eventually.

I just hoped that I
would be dead by then.

Mom, what... What
are you talking about?

Do you think it was
easy, huh, for me,

Watching you every year on
your fudge birthday being so happy,

And then watching you on your
actual birthday being nothing at all?

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

Please. I'm so sorry.

I won't ever do it
again. Please forgive me.

Please?

I'm gonna have to call you back.

Mom, pleading: I love you!

What?

I wasn't born on february th.

What are you talking about?

I was born on february th.

My whole life is a lie.

Well, wa-wa-wait a second.

Your whole life is not a lie.

You're still you.

I've always felt like
such an th person.

Well, maybe... Maybe you
could feel like a th person.

My lucky number
is . Change it to .

I always bet on .

Well, from now
on, try betting .

Don't you see? This
just changes everything.

It's not... Well, look
at the bright side.

Maybe you're not a liar.

What are you talking about?

Dorie. The reading. All
based on the wrong birthday.

Maybe I'm not a liar!

Maybe. Ooh!

Where you going?

I'm gonna go and tell
little miss planet head

That there's a very,
very good chance

She's just wrong, wrong, wrong.

Ooh! Do me a favor
while you're down there.

Ask dorie if it's possible,
maybe, I don't know.

Is she possibly jealous of me?

Oh, god, this makes
so much more sense.

Pisces. Capricorn
rising, moon in capricorn.

So much better.

So it doesn't say I'm a liar?

No, quite the contrary.

Really?

So you were wrong.

Yes, I was.

Aha.

In fact, the truth is,

You're quite an
honest person. Yes, I am.

According to your real
chart, you're extremely kind.

Well, whatever. It's
nice of you to say.

I'm not saying anything.
It's all right here.

You're intelligent,
you're a sensitive listener,

And you have a lot of charisma.

Well, maybe i...

People are drawn
to you, aren't they?

Not everybody, but...

Yeah, yeah. You're
very insightful.

And you have the capacity
to inspire multitudes

With your... Your
vision and your flair.

Well, i... I gotta say, it's...

Pretty amazing.

This astrology stuff's
incredibly accurate.

Ooh! Jeez louise in a handbag!

This is, uh... Quite a surprise.

Come on in.

It was all a big
misunderstanding.

Ooh, get out!

It was, nat. In fact,

Would you consider coming
back and working for us again?

Murray really misses you.

Oh, and I him. Are
you joshing me?

But, dorie, are the planets
favorable to that decision?

i am!

Good enough for me, yeah?

Would you mind putting
my perishables away for me?

I'd like to get over there
and see him right now.

I'd to see him right now.

I have no job, and
I have no money.

I don't really care.

I hate big change!

Listen, I got screwed by this
whole astrology thing good, too.

I went and barked at a perfectly
nice professor for no reason.

Plus, I never even got to
figure out who was jealous of me.

That's because nobody
was jealous of you.

What do you mean?

This whole astrology
thing, it's a crock.

I mean, look at me.

I got off scot-free.

Doris says, "you're
gonna be heartbroken, ira."

Yeah, right.

Like, how heartbroken am i?

She was a nice girl,
though. I'm gonna miss her.

There was something
about her, you know?

You don't often see
girls like that in the city.

My luck she lives
so far away, right?

Because, you know,
actually, there... There...

Actually, there could have
been something there... Oh, my god!

Paul: what?

I am heartbroken.

All right. Now, come on.

Now you're reading into it.

I'm not gonna see her
again, am i? Listen to me.

She could have been
the one. I don't think so.

I can't even eat.

Hey.

Hi. Hi.

Please tell me there's
eggs benedict left.

Eggs, both benedict.

Excellent.

Oh, god, you're drinking
cappuccino. I'm so jealous!

Murray, you are very loyal.

That's true.

Your needs are simple.
Your love is unconditional.

This is uncanny, huh?

But at times, you feel
taken for granted.

You feel like that?

This angers you.
This angers you a lot,

But you have a hard time
expressing your feelings.

Wow. Who doesn't?

But you're surprisingly instinctive,
and you have no pretensions.

This is what draws
people to you.

Wow, she got you
pegged, huh, murray?

Let's take a look
at your career.