05x15 - Citizen Buchman

[bunniefuu]

Paul: you got to see this.

You are not going to believe it.

[Rewinding]

Now, my brother arnold,

He's the funny brother.

He's not that funny.

For some reason,

He's always speaking
in an irish accent.

[Irish accent] truth is...

I've always wanted to be irish.

It's incredibly irritating.

I've always had a
special place in me heart

For the irish.

Then you have
burt's uncle marty.

He had a series of
troubled blouse companies.

But that's not my
greatest regret.

We used to say if they ever
wrote marty's life story,

They'd start with chapter .

My greatest
regret is... Oh! Ohh...

Hoo... Moos...

There it is. There it
is. Did you see that?

Hoo... Moos... [Crash]

And that was it.

Doctor said before
he hit the floor, he, uh...

He, uh... Boy, it's just hard to
find a really good way to say it.

He... He, uh... Passed on.

Passed away, yeah.
Passed... Passed over.

He, uh... P-passed...

He passed out for a long time.

Beloved uncle of
burt and arnold,

Who yesterday
tragically moved on.

Moved forth.

Moved over.

You see what I'm saying?

In lieu of flowers,
contributions may be made

To the international ladies
garment workers union.

All right, all right,
so we'll see you there?

Ok, we'll look for
that tomorrow.

Ok. All right, so
that's the bermans.

And that's the times.

[Sighs] good.

I have to say, I like
that we're doing this.

Oh, I've never had
more fun in my life.

I mean, I like that's is us
doing it... A very close relative.

It's just... You know, he's...

Done a very unpleasant
thing? Yes, thank you.

The family has just been
reminded of how fragile life is,

And who are they turning to?
Us. I feel very proud of that.

It's just so weird, you know?

I... I just keep hearing marty's last
words in my head over and over.

Hoo moos?

Hoo moos.

What... What could
that possibly mean?

I don't know.

Hoo moos... Hoo moos...
Hoo moos... Hummus?

Hummus, the food?

Yeah.

That's what you think
he's thinking about?

The moment of his reckoning,

He's thinking about chickpeas?

Maybe.

You're a very simple girl.

You call uncle harold?

Harold? No, there was no answer.

Did you leave a message?

No machine.

How can he not have a machine?

'Cause he doesn't
understand how they work.

You see how he is
with our machine.

He talks to it
like it's a person.

"Tell paul to call me back,"

Like it's a butler.

Here. Try charlotte next.

I just... He...

Marty said it was his
great regret, hoo moos.

So i... I just think that may
be something very important.

It may be.

I'd love to find out what.

A... For my own curiosity,
but b... For the film.

Know what I mean?

"Hoo moos" could be to buchman

Like "rosebud" to citizen kane.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Queens, please,

For the gates of
damascus cemetery?

Uh, charlotte? Hi. Cousin paul.

Hi. Good. Um... Listen,

You remember marty, uncle marty?

Uh... Uh-huh.

Ok, here's the thing... He, uh,

He... He-he's not so
much alive anymore.

Jamie: uncle marty
sure had a lot of suits.

I got nothing here. Not even
the slightest hoo moos clue.

[Irish accent] you know,

They say that
just before you die,

You revert to a wee nigh nipper.

What?

A small cute fella.

Oh.

So?

Maybe marty was repeating

The childhood lesson
about farm animals

When he said "hoo moos."

Who moos?

Why, the cow moos.

Boy, I don't know, uncle arnie.

That seems like a
bit of a reach for me.

I think "hoo moos" is a
philosophical question.

What do you mean, a
philosophical question?

I think marty knew
that he was about to die,

And he wanted
some answers, like...

"Who moose?" As in...

"Who is the moose?" As in...

"Who is the big mammal?" Or,

"The big being,"
as in, "who is god?"

"Hoo moos" is "who is god"?

It's better than "the cow moos."

Not much.

It's not god.

What?

It's not god, hoo moos,

And it's no damn cow.

You want to know
what hoo moos is?

I'll tell you what it is.

Wait a second. You
know what hoo moos is?

Yes. "Hoo moos" is
actually "hey miss,"

A blouse company that
marty and I had briefly

In the forties.

Oh... We were in very bad shape,

And marty accused
me of skimming,

Which, of course, I did not.

We had a terrible fight,

And he never forgave me.

When he said,
"hoo moos," I'm sure

He was lashing out
at me one last time.

Wow!

Huh! I don't believe it.

Ohh... [Mutters
irish expression]

What did he say?

"Ohh... My goodness."

Well, if marty said
you were skimmin',

I have no doubt that you were.

I was not skimming!
I would not skim!

Skimmer!

Me brother is a skimmer!

I would not skim!
Marty had it all wrong.

If you don't believe
me, ask miriam sass.

Who's miriam sass?

Our bookkeeper
from the old days.

In january of ,

The last month of the company,

Hey miss did dozen units,

Which is to say... Ptooey!

So what you're saying
is burt was not skimming.

Skimming from what?

You gotta have something
to skim from something.

So "hoo moos" could
not have been "hey miss."

[Chuckles]

No.

It was hugh moss.

I'm sorry... It was who?

Hugh moss.

He was a supplier
of burt's and marty's

Who had a very racy extramarital
affair with someone marty knew.

Marty never said a word,

But it always
weighed heavily on him.

When he said "hoo moos,"

I'm sure he was trying
to unburden himself.

This is great. You gotta
tell me, who was the woman?

Doesn't matter.

Doesn't matter? What,
are you kidding me?

It would be indiscreet to say.

Mrs. Sass, come on.

I'm begging you.

All right.

It was your mother.

I'm sorry? What?

First of all,

Let me say that I
am deeply sorry

To hear of your
uncle milton's passing.

Marty.

I'm sorry?

It's marty.

It's marty, not milton.

I'm deeply sorry. I had
a milton this morning.

I must have
transposed the names.

It's all right.

Sylvia: it's not all right.

He doesn't know the man's name,

He's delivering the eulogy.

He will. He's just trying
to familiarize himself...

This is why I wanted to
maintain an affiliation.

It was too expensive.
And we never went.

Too expensive for
a skimmer like you?

Why don't you shut up?

Ok, guys.

Very sorry.

It's quite all right.

Pauly, did you talk to miriam?

Uh... Pop, we're...
Well, did you?

Yes, I did.

So?

We'll talk about it later, ok?

Now, if you can just give
me a sense of marty's life,

I assure you from the bottom
of my heart, mrs. Butterman...

Buchman... Sorry?

It's buchman.

Mrs. Buchman.

Sylvia buchman.

I'm deeply sorry.

This is ridiculous.

He doesn't know anyone's name.

You ought to know
somebody's name.

We are bereaved,
for crying out loud.

I want to know what miriam said.

Arnold: me, too!

She said you were not skimming

And marty knew that
you were not skimming.

There, you see? You
see, arnold? You see?

You troll, you.

Paul: all right.

She said hoo moos was
something else entirely.

What did she say it was?

Uh, that's not important.

Ok, we'll talk about it later.

I'd like to hear it, too,

Otherwise how can we
be sure burt's innocent?

Ok. Hugh moss.

That's what she said.

Hugh moss.

Hugh moss, the supplier?

Yes.

Why was marty
thinking of hugh moss

At the moment of his death?

Well, you know, who...
Who knows, really?

It wasn't my fault.

I beg your pardon?

It was during the w*r.

You were overseas
bombing our enemies.

I was lonely. I used to
hang around the office

Because it reminded me of you.

And one day this man,
this hugh moss came in.

He was very solicitous,
and I was very weak.

I couldn't resist.

Couldn't resist what?

I... I flirted with him.

What?

I flirted with him shamelessly.

I giggled with him.

I made eyes at him.

And I think I even said
a double entendre.

What?!

Marty came in, and he caught us.

I begged him not
to say anything,

And to his credit, he
never said anything

Until the end of his life.

Why he couldn't
keep his mouth shut

For another seconds,

I'll never understand.

Come on, sylvia. Who do
you think you're talking to?

What is that supposed to mean?

Everyone knows you and hugh moss

Did more than just flirt.

I beg your pardon?

You heard me.

This is ridiculous, of course.

Look, sylvia, I don't like
to speak ill of anyone,

Especially to their face,

But chastity was
never your long suit.

So what exactly would
you call speaking ill?

Aunt blossom, please.

I'm sorry. I'm an honest woman.

You're a nasty woman.
That's what you are.

And you have a low
center of gravity.

Is it true, sylvia?

Of course it's true.

I didn't ask you!

Why would a man bother
himself on his deathbed

With a mere flirtation?

We never had an affair.

And if you don't believe
me, ask hugh moss.

All right, then.

Really sorry for this outburst.

Now, um... What can we tell you

That will give you a
sense of marty's life?

I think I've got enough.

First of all,

I never sleep with
a customer's wife.

And second... No offense...

But she was a
tremendous pain in the ass.

So you're saying, then,

That hoo moos could
not have been hugh moss.

That's right.

In fact, I happen to
know what hoo moos is.

You do?

What?

Marty... May he rest in peace,

Had a nephew arnold.

You know him?

Sure, arnold.
Uncle arnold, yeah.

He speaks with the irish accent.

That's the guy.

Why does he do that?

Nobody knows.

Anyway, arnold's
son david told marty...

May he rest in peace,
that he was gay

And very much in love
with another young man...

Jared.

Jared.

Marty, may he rest in peace,

Outwardly accepted the news.

But he was a man
of the old school,

And he had certain prejudices.

When he d*ed, I'm sure he was
trying to express his disapproval

Of the boys.

"h*m*," marty was saying.

Marty was saying "h*m*."

May he rest in peace.

I say we put him right
here, next to aunt lilly.

No, no. He goes right
here next to uncle jules.

You can't put
marty next to jules!

It's not a dinner.

Guys, hello. Tomorrow is the
funeral. We gotta put him somewhere.

If I may, why don't we put
marty here and lilly here?

Or maybe just go with
uncle jules to block.

You're not helping.

I'm not hindering.

So... So, pauly, did you get a
chance to talk to hugh moss?

I spoke to hugh
moss. You're absolved.

Sure.

Did he say what hoo moos was?

Uh... Yeah, but why don't...

Why don't you both stop,
ok, for heaven's sakes?

I'll tell you, but you gotta
keep this between you and me...

Why can't we have just one
blessed moment's peace and quiet?

Hoo moos was about david.

[Sudden silence]

That's just so unlucky.

All right, paul, uh,

What did he say hoo moos was?

He said, possibly,

He thought that hoo
moos, maybe, was, uh,

A reference, uh,

To... To maybe you
and a guy named jared.

"h*m*"?

Yes, but I think he
meant it in a good sense.

What do you mean, h*m*?

Who's jared?

Ok.

Mom, dad.

This isn't exactly the way
I planned on telling you,

But what the hell?

I'm gay.

I'm gay, and I'm
thrilled to be gay.

Oh, my god.

[Irish accent] my
son's a clover boy!

I think that's a
really bad word for...

I know what he meant.

Marty was always
very nice to us.

Very approving.

Once... In an unguarded moment,

He even told me I
had pretty eyes.

Really?

Ok.

So... All right, so
then, in your opinion,

Hoo moos couldn't really
have been "h*m*," could it?

Oh, absolutely not.

No.

Jeez... Do you... What
do you think it was?

I really have no idea.

No idea. Ok. Ok.

Just thought I'd ask.

I'm just totally...
Totally stymied.

I'm at a complete
hoo moos dead end.

Your entire family's ruined.
You can take some solace in that.

Hey, look what I
found... A muffin.

Where did you get that?

The funeral next door.

It's unbelievable. They
got a guy making omelets.

[Humming]

Uh, hi.

Hi.

So is everything
clear for the eulogy?

Yes, joanie, clear as a bell.

Ok.

Oh, god, did you ever
call uncle harold?

Oh, god.

Uncle harold, I am so sorry.

And who are you?

What do you mean,
who am i? Uncle harold...

Who is this person?

What do you mean,
who is this person?

It's your nephew... Paul.

Tell this person I
have no nephew paul.

Um... Tell him!

Uncle harold says
he has no nephew paul.

Uncle harold, if you'd
just let me explain.

What happened was... Would you tell
this person who's trying to talk to me

That if I did have a nephew
paul, he would have called me

And told me about
the death of a dear one,

Instead of leaving me like a dog

To read it in the newspaper.

Uncle harold says if
he did have a nephew...

I heard the whole thing.

Look, uncle harold,
what happened was...

Who are you?

Ok. All right.

Will you take
your seats, please.

The world is poorer today

For having lost marty blechman.

Buchman.

It's buchman.

Buchman.

I am poorer.

You, his friends, are poorer.

His loving family is poorer.

Let me introduce them.

Oh, my god.

His nephew bill.

Jamie: burt.

Burt.

His nephew eighman.

Arnold. Arnold.

And their wives, celia and rose.

Jamie: sylvia and blossom.

Blossom and sylvia.

And their children...
Pete, janice, arthur,

Sheila, darcy, and douglas.

What a man he was.

What a life.

It's hard to know where
to begin with such a life.

Perhaps with the words
that summed up his life.

Hoo moos.

Now, I don't know
what they mean.

But I'm sure they
were important.

They were the last
words the man ever spoke.

They must mean something, right?

But I guess, like so
many things in life,

They will forever
remain a mystery.

You know...

I'm reminded today
of the lustful jezebel.

Pardon me.

Marty's last words
were "hoo moos"?

Yes, uncle harold, they were.

You know what hoo moos is?

Who are you?

If I may?

Yes. It's all yours, henry.

August .

The place... Camp tiki-huni.

Two young boys,
marty and harold,

Are playing bow and
arrow in the woods.

They get separated.

It's getting dark.

They get scared.

So, harold calls out to marty

By his nickname.

"Moose."

And marty says, "who?"

Then harold said, "moose."

And marty said, "who?"

Now it's getting darker,

And we're both getting scareder.

Something moves in the bushes.

Marty draws his bow
and lets the arrow fly.

And the arrow flies
straight into my...

You should excuse
the expression...

My... Right here.

[Whistles]

Marty never forgave himself.

If you notice,
throughout his life,

He never ate a
speared hors d'oeuvre.

He never ate a shish kebab.

In fact, he never
ate with a fork.

Because to hurt a family member

Was, to marty, anathema.

Yes, anathema.

That means no good.

Now, I've heard rumors
that are going around

About certain things
happening in this family...

The bickering, the
fighting, the backbiting,

The squabbling.

What marty said. Marty
said this, marty said that,

Marty bippy, marty
bippy, kicky, kacky, kooky,

Pishky, poppy,
kicky, kacky, kooky.

Blecch heh!

Enough!

You should be
ashamed of yourselves.

He loved you.

He really, really loved you.

And when I remember marty,

Which is every
time I sit down...

[Whistles]

I remember those last words.

"Who moose?"

So long, moose.

[Sighs]

Wow.

I can only add

That insertion will be at the
gates of damascus cemetery

In forest hills, new york.

And then all are invited
back to phil and judy's.

Drive safely.

Uncle harold, I remember
aunt lilly calling him moose.

And I remember that he never
ate anything with a toothpick.

Ate with his fingers.

I always wondered
about the limp.

Now you know.

Harold, thank you.

Come on, you two get together.

Burt, i... I'm sorry I
thought ill of you.

I'm sorry I wanted to k*ll you.

That's good. Ok. Now
you two. Come on.

I'm sorry I implied
you were a hoo-er.

Good enough.

Listen... Listen,

I'm sorry if I put you guys
in an awkward position.

No, that's... That's ok.

It was for the best.

Uncle harold, may I just
say, that was beautiful.

Oh, thank you, jamie.

It was really beautiful,

And I want to say again,
the only reason I couldn't...

Give me a kiss.

It's a was.

It's over.

This is what I'm saying.

Any food?

Right this way, uncle harold.

I'm hungry. Let's go and eat.

Wow.

You know, honey, I don't know.

What?

I don't know if hoo moos

Is what uncle
harold said it was.

What are you talking about?

Come on. A minor injury
from years ago?

This is what a man
thinks of as he dies?

Why not?

Ok.

What are you... It's
perfect for the movie.

That's true.

And the family is
finally at peace again.

So what are you
questioning it for?

Nothing. All right.

Come on. I'll buy you an omelet.

Ok. I'll meet you there.

All right.

"Hoo moos."

What are you looking at?

Nothing.

Jezebel had a wonderful
rapport with god,

Whom I'm sure you'll all
remember from last week's sermon.

Jezebel, the bible tells us,

Lusted after everything
that pass-ed by her doorstep.

So god said, "no, jezebel,

For lusting so, you
shall be punished."

And god devised a
great punishment.

He took a fly...
A bzz-bzz fly...

And he put the fly into her ear.

From her ear it
went into her head,

And anytime that jezebel
lusted after anything,

That fly buzzed around.

But jezebel liked it.