05x16 - Her Houseboy, Coco

[bunniefuu]

New york, huh?

Hmm? Yeah.

It's just such a romantic city.

It really is.

You know what?

See you later.

All right.

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart
as much as you ♪

♪ Let's take each other's hand ♪

♪ As we jump into
the final frontier ♪

Radio: traffic and weather
together times and hour.

It's degrees in new
york, but good news...

It'll be going up to .

Oh.

Ok, so a... Good morning,

And ... Is there anybody in
the country colder than us?

Where is the heat?

I think the pipes broke again.

We got to call mr. Wicker.

[Telephone rings]

Man's not just a
super, he's a psychic.

[Ring]

Hello.

Hey, daddy.

Hey, joan.

Can jamie get on?

Yeah. Hold on. It's joan.

So tell me.

Little hiccup.

I knew it. Very minor.

Remember that thing we
talked about the other day?

I went over your sonogram
with dr. Hutchinson,

And he agrees that
it's placenta previa,

Which means that the placenta's

Just a little too
close to your cervix,

Which is nothing to worry about.

It'll correct itself
with or days' bed rest.

That's it? Just bed rest?

I told you. Very minor.

All right, well, I should
probably try to stay in bed.

No, you have to stay in bed.

I understand. If I need to
get out of bed for a second...

No, you have to stay in bed.

I'm just saying if
for one second...

Jamie! I should
probably just stay in bed.

That is correct.

Not so much as a foot on
the floor. Let me talk to paul.

Hello, sir.

What are you doing
for the next or days?

Uh, not much. Today
I got a meeting...

What are you doing
for the next or days?

Tomorrow I'm
supposed to go up...

What are you doing
for the next or days?

Am I staying home
taking care of my wife?

Yes!

Whatever she wants you
get, whatever she says you do.

If she leaves that bed,
it's your fault. Got it?

Uh, my fault. Good.

If there are any distractions,
any stress, any anything,

It's what, paul?

Entirely my fault?

Yup.

Jamie, feel good.
Behave yourself.

I'll check in later.

Tell my sister-in-law
to feel good.

Debbie, too, would
like you to feel good.

Jamie: tell her thank you.

Paul: thanks, joan.

So it's minor, right?

That's what she said.
She said "very minor."

A couple of days' bed rest.

You like the bed, right?

I love the bed.

You sleep in this
bed every night.

So it will be like that,
just a little longer.

Not my favorite phone call.

No, no, ok.

But you know what?

I am here, and I will
take care of you.

I don't want you to
have to take care of me.

Please. It's my
honor. It's my thrill.

Really?

Come on. This will be fun.

Uh... What?

Nothing.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, see? Right
here. You tell me.

I was going to get out of bed

And grab a sweater
'cause I'm cold,

But I don't want you to
have to get out of bed...

See? That's the kind of
thing. Sweater is coming up.

Oh, it's cold! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Wow! Wow! Wow!

Ok, no, sweetie,
you got to learn...

You got to learn to go
with this. Doctor's orders.

No, no, no, honey. Other drawer.

Other drawer, ok.

I'm sorry.

Sweater.

No, pullover. Pullover.

Ok.

Sorry.

Honey, that's a vest.

Vest. No vest. No vest.

How about here?

Scratchy. Scratchy.
Too scratchy.

Here. Nice, huh?

Ehh... Uh... No? Ok, all right.

Yes, yes, yes.

Yeah, see? I was kidding
with the other sweaters.

Wow! Wow! Wow! It's cold!

Thank you.

Hey, please, no problem.

I'm so sorry.

Sweetie, you have to learn

To let others do for you.

Well, I feel guilty.

Guilty? Hey, you're
going to deprive me

Of the privilege of nursing
you and your little placenta

Back to health?

You're very nice.

I'm very nice and very cold.

Ok.

I can dial the phone.

Hey, hey, hey.

Not on my watch.

I'm going to get mr. Wicker
up here tout de suite,

Take care of you.
You shouldn't be cold.

Mr. Wicker, buchmans, -d.

I need you up here right away.

There's no... The
whole building?

I see.

I see.

I see. Ok.

He'll be here whenever he can.

In the meantime, what
would you like for breakfast?

Oh, you don't have
to make me breakfast.

Hey, breakfast is
just the beginning.

There'll be breakfast, there'll
be lunch, there'll be dinner

And snacks in between.

All brought to you by me,
your loving houseboy, coco.

Now, tell me. Tell me what
you would like for breakfast.

Whatever is easy. Cereal.

Pfft. Come on.

Whatever. An egg.

An egg?

Don't insult coco.

Seriously?

Tell me. Anything your
little heart desires.

Anything my heart desires.

Ok.

Potato pancakes?

All right, sir.

Forget it. I don't
need it. I'm fine.

Potato pancakes it is.

Coco leaves now.

Coco's cold!

I'm sorry.

Ok. Ok, it's really...

You know what, it's
not even that bad.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Coco's getting dressed.

Coco's going to get
dressed a little more.

Now I'm dressed,

Albeit like an extra in gandhi,

But still I'm all right.

I'm all right.
Ready to face the...

Oh, no.

What?

What did you do?

What did you do?

What did he do?

He retiled the
bathroom. He peed.

He peed on the bathroom floor.

What did you do?

Does he look all right to you?

I don't know. Does he?

I don't know. He just
seems... Not himself.

He seems a little
distant, a little detached.

A little blasè.

Murray, are you blasé?

Hello.

Hell... O.

Hi, ma. Still got
those keys, do you?

Uh-huh.

Good. That's nice.

Uh, what are you doing here?

I usually come up here
sometimes during the day.

You're usually gone.

Well, isn't that something?

I did not know that. No.

What's with you?
You're still in bed.

Joan's orders.

Really?

Or days' bed rest.

Oh, well, it's lucky I'm here.

I can get whatever you want.

No. Ma. I'm here for that.

In fact, you know what?

We should not even
have anybody else here.

Well, don't mind me.

I'm just going to
measure the room.

You're gonna what?

You remember
that crib you liked?

I got the catalog.

Really? Yup.

And I was thinking

That if you just
got rid of the piano,

The crib could go right there.

Oh! Who peed on
the bathroom floor?

Interestingly enough it was colorful
method actor christopher walken.

He was here earlier.

What did you do?

What did you do?

Forget it, ma.

Either he doesn't know,
or he just won't say.

Hey, there! Ho, there! Is
everybody decent in here?

Yeah, nat. Come on in.

Hey, nat. Hey, mr. Buchman.

Oh, hey, generations
of mrs. Buchmans.

Hi, nat.

Hey, there, murray.

Hey, there, murray tyler moore.

I know what you're
thinking, murray.

'Tain't a fit day for man
nor beast to go out there,

But I have good news
for man and beast today.

I have purchased
matching gor-tex parkas.

Honey, look!

Paul: that was awfully
considerate of you, nat.

Oh, come on.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I give to you

Murray of the north.

Heh?

Is that smart-looking?

That is a very smart outfit.

In terms of the walk, I think
you're actually a little bit late.

Late? What do you... Oh! Oh!

What did you do?

Huh? What did you do?

Murray, if you talk now,
they may go easy on you.

Mr. And mrs.
Buchman, I am so sorry.

Oh, it's ok, nat.

No, no, no, please.
I will clean it up.

If you don't mind, if I
may use this newspaper.

The "arts and leisure,"
though, I didn't read yet...

I'll skip it now, though.

You know, this dog
doesn't look right to me.

I was just saying that.

He looks glazed
over like your father

When we saw the english patient.

He does. You see?

I think maybe it's
time... To set him free.

What are you talking about?

Unleash him to walk
freely in heavenly pastures.

Put murray to sleep?

Hey, there!

Besides, you're having a baby.

Ho, there.

I'm just saying maybe you
don't want a dog anymore.

Hey, there. Ho,
there. Hippy how how.

Ma, this is murray.
We love murray.

Yeah, big animal lover.

Do you know that he once
flushed a turtle down the toilet

Because he was
tired of feeding it?

No.

I was years old, ma.

What we are at we are at .

Does he look all right to you?

Huh? Oh, yeah, mrs. Buchman.

He looks right as rain.

Uh, all right, uh, I guess
we'll be on our way, then.

Come on, murray.

Come on, murray povich.

Come on, murray
queen of, uh, scots.

How could you not be crying?

Strength of character.

Look, can I please help you...

No, ma. No. We're all done.

I got everything under control.

Coco is here.

Who's coco?

I'm coco.

I'm leaving.

[Telephone rings]

I'll get that.

No, no, no. Coco gets the phone.

Hello.

Hey, paulie.

Hey, hi, ira.

Paulie is everything all right?

Yeah, it's fine.

How come you're crying?

I'm not crying. I'm
making potato pancakes.

And there's onions.

Oh. Listen, paulie,

Did you forget about
the meeting or what?

Oh, the contract!

Yeah.

You know what,
can you sign for me?

I don't think so, paulie, no.

You know what, just
forge my signature.

The stupid suits, they
won't know the difference.

Well, they might.

Why?

Well, you know, they're
all right here, paulie.

They're with me on
the speakerphone.

Did they like my little joke?

Listen, I'll call
you back, all right?

Paul: sweetie, you ok in there?

Uh-huh!

Do you think

You could bring me my
toothbrush, though?

I'll get it!

No, no, no. I got it.

That's coco's
job. Coco's got it.

Sorry.

No, no, no. No sorrys.

What's the matter? Nothing.

Why are you crying?

Just 'cause I love you so much.

Onions?

And that.

Here we go.

[Blows kiss]

And some toothpaste.

Toothpaste, of course.

Toothpaste without toothbrush?

Sorry.

No, please.

Very important part of
the whole brushing process.

And some water.

It's like I never brushed
my own teeth in my life. Ok.

I'm sorry.

Oh, please.

What did coco say? No sorrys.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Water and an extra
bonus spittoon.

Coco is very good to me.

You're nice enough
to bear coco's child.

Honey?

What's the matter?

What is that smell?

What? What?

What is that smell?

What smell? Oh! Oh! Oh!

Hey, ma! Hey! Whoa!

Do you not smell half
the village is burning?

Suddenly wolfgang
puck needs help.

Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye!

Jamie: are they ok?

Yes. Everything's fine.

Everything's fine.

I think I actually
made potato coasters.

I'm sorry.

What did we say? No sorrys.

The next ones will be
oh, so potato-licious.

[Telephone rings]

Coco is on the ball here.

Hello.

Hello.

Hey, there, mr. Buchman.
Ho, there, mrs. Buchman.

It's nat on the line here.

Nat, is everything all right?

Yes, it is.

Um, I did want to tell
you one thing, however,

And that is that I have...
For his own protection...

I have kidnapped murray...

If I may.

What are you talking
about? You kidnapped murray?

Um, I'll call you
back. Call you back.

Paul: what is that? Paul?

Huh? Ho!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hang on! Hang on!

Ho! Hey! Not good. Ho!

Ok. Here we go.

How you enjoying the day so far?

Our dog has been kidnapped.

Honey, it's nat, you know?

It's not the symbionese
liberation army.

I want my dog back.

Ok, ok, ok, come on.

No stress, no
distractions, no nothing.

Get me some water.

Ok.

[Telephone rings]

Hello.

Hey, there, mrs.
Buchman. It's nat here.

Nat. Thank god.

So how are you?

I'm fine, nat.

Would you bring our dog
back right now, please?

I'd like to do that, mrs.
Buchman. I truly would,

But unfortunately, I cannot,

And beyond that I will not

Until certain demands
are regretfully met.

What do you mean?
What kind of demands?

Um, I'll call you back.

Why do you have to
keep calling us back?

Come on, mr. Buchman,
everybody knows

You keep me on the phone line
for greater than seconds,

You can trace a call.

Nat, we don't have
to trace the call.

We know you're calling
from your apartment.

How... How you know that?

Nat, I have your number,
and if you hang up,

I'm just going to call you back.

Fine. It won't do you any good.

Why not?

'Cause I'm not
here... There. Damn!

Nat, listen to me.

I'm sorry. Seconds.
I'll call you back.

Whoa. Wait, wait, wait.

Oh, boy.

Of all the days to get
your dog kidnapped.

[Telephone rings]

Hey, there. Nat here.

Nat, it's paul.

Oh! Oh!

He's just going to keep
hanging up, isn't he?

Will you get me a tissue?

Yeah.

I'll get you a tissue.

Boy, I guess the whole
polite phase, that's over, huh?

[Telephone rings]

What do we have to
do to get murray back?

Huh?

Hello?

May I please speak
to sylvia buchman?

Uh, burt?

Who is this?

She'll call you back.

Ok. I'm at... [Jamie hangs up]

Tissues.

[Telephone rings]

Burt, she'll call you back.

Oh. All right, then. Bye-bye.

Nat, nat, nat, nat!
Nat, nat, nat, nat!

Oh, all right, um, well,
here are my demands, then,

Mr. And mrs. Buchman.

Um, you got a writing
implement there?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Pencil, pencil, pencil.

You're taking to this asking
for things like a fish to water.

Ok, go ahead.

Of course, if this were
dog day afternoon

Or three days of the condor,

I would be demanding such
items as a chopper to the airport.

Nat, what are your demands?

Well, um... Oh!
I'll call you back.

No, no, no! Nat! Nat!

What is this now?
We're just snapping?

What?

[Knock on door] who is it?

Wicker. Come in.

Mr. Wicker, thank god.

It is so cold.

Sorry about the pipes.

What's that smell, horses?

Oy. You. Aye.

Ok, that doesn't
sound good at all.

You got a major problem
here. Can I use your phone?

No, no, no. Paul, cell phone.

Cell phone!

You wouldn't know
it to look at her,

But my wife only
recently had a problem

Asking people to
do things for her.

I wouldn't know.

Yes.

[Knock on door]

Who is it? Who is it?

It's burt. Burt buchman.

Paul's father.

I... Sylvia, burt called.

Dad, what are
you doing? Come in.

Nobody called me back. My fault.

What do I smell, tires?

You take this end here
and go back in there.

Wicker: good news.

The spehr brothers
plumbers are on their way.

[Knock on door] who is it?

Lisa! Come in!

You know this plant you
gave me for christmas?

d*ed.

Already? What'd
you do, strangle it?

You're going to
have to return it.

Lisa, this is really
not the best time.

What are you still doing in bed?

Joan's orders. I got to stay
in bed for a couple of days.

Oh, you're sick?

Let's play yahtzee.

No, no, no.

No yahtzee. No yahtzee.

It causes stress
and is very loud.

You just don't know how to play.

[Knock on door] who's that?

Debbie. Come in.

Debbie, come in.

I know I'm not
supposed to be here.

Ma.

I'm so excited I
couldn't help myself.

You know that gift I was
having made for joan's birthday?

Uh-huh.

I have to show you this.

It's a charm bracelet

With all of the medical
instruments on it.

Oh.

All right, deb, that's enough.

You never saw it.

Hey, you want to play yahtzee?

Yahtzee? Ooh!

What have we got
here, a -foot crib?

How long is that?

Feet.

Good.

Ooh!

You ok?

Why did you stand there?

Why didn't you move
when you saw it coming?

It was like a b*llet.

You have any band-aids?

Yeah, yeah, right there.

Debbie, they're
in the nightstand.

[Knock on door] who is it?

Spehr brothers.

The spehr brothers.
Wow. That was fast.

We were right down the hall.

All right, then, it was slow.

Wicker: right over here.

Boy, guys, it's nice to see you.

It has been so cold in here.

Lisa: yahtzee!

[Knock on door] who is it?

Hey, paulie, it's ira!

Ira?

Yeah. Can I come in?

What the hell is the difference?

Paulie, I would like you to
meet rauschling and partners.

Huh?

Suits. Suits.

It's not the best
time. I'm a little busy,

And I'm sorry I made
fun of your suits before.

As you see, who am I to talk?
You know what I'm saying?

Say hello to my parents,
burt and sylvia buchman.

How do you do? My hand.

You'll be fine. Just
have a seat there.

You'll be fine.

You know how many apartments
we did today already? .

I can imagine.

How you doing?

[Knock on door] who's that?

It's nat.

Jamie: nat, come in.

Absolutely. Come in.

Hello. Whoa. Jeez, who
are all these people?

We don't know.

You setting me up, mr. Buchman?

No, we're not setting you up.

Nat, where's murray?

Don't worry about
murray, please.

He's being kept in a safe place

Till our transaction
here is complete.

I made up a list
of demands here.

If you'd be good
enough to review it

And, please, to sign
it. Nat, I trust you.

I'm sure there's no
reason to read it.

With all due
respect, mr. Buchman,

I put a lot of work
into the document, so...

A list of demands, honey.

"We agree not to
put murray to sleep

No matter how old he gets."

No problem with that.

"We agree to continue
to love murray,

No matter how many
children we may have."

Even like or .

Whatever. Yes, we love murray.

"We solemnly pledge to
brush his teeth by hand

Once a week."

The dog does not need...

Ok, ok! I'll brush his teeth.

I'll brush his teeth. Fine.

We got a deal, then, huh?

Yes, we have a deal.

Ok. Can we have
murray? Where is murray?

[Whistles]

Paul: oh, here... All right.

I got some more great news.

The spehr brothers have
done it again. We have heat.

Oh, hallelujah. Thank you,
gentlemen. You're brilliant.

I don't know how you
did that, but god bless.

Oh, my god. Hey.

This is really good.

Hey!

Hey, there. Ho,
there. Hippy how how.

Oh, my god!

This is not what it
looks like. I know that.

Paul, paul, do you
know what all this is?

This is entirely my fault?

Bingo.

Lisa: yahtzee!

She didn't mean bingo.

Take care of this. Do your job.

You're going to have to leave.

Do your job, paul.

I'm trying to do my job.

You really all
have to get going.

Paul, do your job.

Everybody out! Let's go!

We don't need a crib for months.

It's never too soon
to think about cribs.

Ok, pop, you're
going to be fine.

I used your last band-aid.

That's ok. You gotta go.

Let's go. Rauschlings,
where do I sign?

Right here. Right here.

Ok. We're signing.
Thank you very much.

Show them the door. I can stay.

No, you really can't.
Thanks for coming.

Good luck to your whole
nation. Thank you very much.

Plumbers, terrific. Very
much enjoying the heat.

You should think about
doing a film about plumbers.

I will do that someday.

Mr. Wicker, you're my hero.

I'll see you next
summer. Yes, of course.

Debbie, I can't
believe you're here.

Does anyone listen to me?

I couldn't help myself.

Go home and think about what
you've done wrong, young lady.

Lisa! Yes?

Go! No.

Yes, go! Take the
yahtzee. Go! Go! Go! Go!

Nat, you're a wonderful man,

But it's time to play
you bet your life.

Sorry I had to resort
to a capital crime

To make my point
here, mr. Buchman.

You know what, we
appreciate it. It's no problem.

In fact, would
you mind taking him

For the rest of the day?

Would i? Come on, murray osmond.

Come on, rosemurray's baby.

I am very proud of
you. Very good, paul.

Well, I'm not done. You! Out!

I came to check on jamie.

Well, jamie's fine,
isn't she? Out! Out! Out!

I'll be back after he's
over his little power trip.

Ok.

See? Coco has done his job.

[Sighs]

Man, I'm hungry.

All right, now,
murray, believe me.

I am not looking forward
to this any more than you are.

You don't want to have
your teeth brushed,

I don't want to
be brushing them,

But I am legally bound
to brush these teeth.

Now, let me just
give you the rundown.

This is the brush. I
will be coming at you.

I'll be putting a little of this
toothpaste onto the brush.

Here's what you're going to see.

You're going to see a side,
side, side. Up, down, up, down.

All right. Up,
down, up, down, s...

Murray. Side, side, side.

Now, I'm doing just the
teeth that show, all right?

There's no point, and
nat's never going to see

The ones in the back, all right?

So just the ones that show.

All right? Now...

I'm going to ask you one
time and one time only.

Is it safe?

Is it safe?

I'm going to try.