05x19 - The Touching Game

[bunniefuu]

Good morning. Hi.

Wondering if you can help me.

My name is paul buchman.
I often buy your product.

In fact, I'm eating
it right now.

I'm looking at the box, and
there's like no raisins in it,

I mean, like nary a one,
which I know sounds petty,

But you advertise it
as "loaded with raisins,"

"Packed with raisins,"
and I'm telling you,

There's none to be found.

I understand, but this is not
the first time it's happened.

Right, yeah, more,
several times.

No, I don't want
anything from you.

I'm just telling
you as a consumer

You might want to look
into your quality control,

Because somebody there is not...

Well, they're just
not packing them.

You'd think it's packed.
There's nothing in there.

There's plenty of flakes,
and... But there's something...

What I'm... Looking for the...

I'm gonna call you
back. Thank you so much.

♪ Mmm, mmm, mmm ♪

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can start my heart
as much as you ♪

♪ Tell me all your secrets ♪

♪ I'll tell you most of mine ♪

♪ They say nobody's perfect ♪

♪ Well, that's really
true this time ♪

♪ 'Cause I don't
have the answers ♪

♪ I don't have a plan ♪

♪ All I have is you ♪

♪ So, baby, help me understand ♪

♪ What we do ♪

♪ You can whisper in my ear ♪

♪ Where we go ♪

♪ Who knows what
happens after here? ♪

♪ Let's take each other's hand ♪

♪ And jump into
the final frontier ♪

♪ Ahh ahh hah ♪

♪ The final frontier ♪

Move over, you.

I am moved over.

Oh.

Oh, like you're the thinnest
person in the world.

No reason to lash out at me.

I'm so ready for a flat
stomach and a baby.

So, in other words,

The whole... That joy
of gestating thing?

Over it. I see.

I'm way over it.

I'm over being clumsy.

I'm over having people
ask me when I'm due.

I'm over strangers touching
my stomach times a day.

So, you're over
it, you're saying?

That's what I'm saying.

What else do we need now?

We need cereal.

Cereal. You know
what? Let me get it.

I can do it.

Sweetie.

I can't thank you enough.

Sweetie, go sit down
before they throw us out.

Where am I gonna sit down?

Sit on the horsey.

Why do I have to
sit on the horsey?

Because you're knocking
over the whole supermarket.

It deserves to be knocked over.

There are countries
with no cereal at all.

These people are flaunting it.

Sweetie.

Lady.

I'm going.

You know, if it's
any consolation,

You knocked things over
when you were thin, too.

Not with my navel.

I'm already late for
david and jared's.

You know, do me a
favor. Don't go there.

Their grand
opening is in days.

There's all kinds
of stuff to do.

Besides, I feel responsible.

He's my cousin. You're
not responsible.

I suggested they
open the coffeehouse.

Yeah, but you're
not responsible.

I found the location.

That doesn't make
you responsible.

I held david's trembling hand

While he signed the lease.

All right, so you're a
little bit responsible.

Sweetie, do me a favor.

Go sit right now.
Sit on the horsey.

You know, I went to yale.

Ok. Well, then, sit on
the horsey, professor.

Hey, mommy, look
at the fat lady.

Oh, honey, she isn't fat.

See, she's pregnant.

Ok. You know what?

You want to feel?

No. Oh, come on.

She's got a baby inside.

I don't want to.
He doesn't want to.

Yes, he does.

No! Gross!

Honey.

Times a day.

Honey, you know, people
are just naturally curious.

They want to experience
the miracle of life.

I want to ride the horsey.

I beg your pardon?

I want to ride the horsey.

Horsey's no good.

Wouldn't you rather
ride the rocket ship?

You could be an astronaut

And travel to distant lands

And faraway planets.

No. I want to ride the horsey.

All right. Here we go.

Mommy, the fat lady broke it.

You know what?

Ok, sweetie.

For the longest time,

She's totally into
the pregnancy,

And I'm not really into it.

Yeah, I go through the motions,

But at some level,
I'm not really into it.

So now, here we
are, I'm finally...

I'm totally into
it, she's over it.

Well, let me tell you something.

You think she's over it?

Thank you for your support.

You're welcome.

Look at this girl
on that jeans ad.

I'd cut off the left side
of my head to be with her.

Maybe if you cut off the
left side of your head,

She wouldn't
want to be with you.

You saying otherwise she would?

No.

Hey. What do you
suppose this means?

"Who cares"?

I know what it says.

I'm asking you what it means.

Who cares?

Maybe I care.

Don't. Don't care.

That's exactly what
they want you to do.

Well, somebody's got to care.

Do what you want, all right?

I got my own problems.

Look at this. Boy, this city.

You got a pregnant woman
standing here with packages...

Not one person
giving up their seats.

It's unbelievable.
What a world, huh?

Look at this clown,
not moving a muscle.

Where were they raised?

Paulie, I can't take this
anymore. Give up your seat.

You give up your seat.

I would, gladly, but my leg.

Fine. I hope you're
very proud of yourself.

Um, excuse me. Would
you like my seat?

Oh, thank you. Sure.

That's very kind of you.

Oh, listen, to me
it's not kindness.

To me it's common decency.

I'd shake your hand, but...

Paulie, paulie...

Oh, hey, uh, can I help
you with your bags?

Oh, thank you. That's
very kind of you.

I didn't know people
like you existed.

Well... We do.

Normally, I'm the same way,

But, you know, my leg.

Whenever you need something,

Everyone always seems
to turn the other way.

Isn't that always the case?

How'd you lift these?
They're so heavy.

Oh, here, give me those.

I'm kidding.

No, please. I'm
getting off at west th,

And it's just a few
blocks from there.

Wait a minute. You're
gonna walk with these?

Oh, it's not far. I
do it all the time.

You hear that?

I heard that.

And you're not gonna
help carry the bags?

I didn't say that.

Why don't you help?

My leg.

Jamie, hi! Hi there.

Hello, jamie.

Look at you. You look beautiful.

Oh, nice of you to say.

When's the big day?

Oh, look at me.
They're all big days.

Is she beautiful,
or is she beautiful?

She's beautiful.

So, how's aunt
sylvia and uncle burt?

They're fine. How's your father?

In florida, thank god.

So... What do you think?

It's really shaping up.

I see you decided on a name...

Madame defarge's.

Oh, don't go there.

We have a little
disagreement on the name.

Yeah... He thinks it's
the perfect name.

I, on the other
hand, think it sucks.

Madame defarge's was the
place in tale of two cities

Where the people met and
discussed the revolution.

Who knows that?

What, are we gonna
explain it to them

As they pass by on
their way to starbuck's?

Is this the new
cappuccino machine?

Oh, don't go there, either.

What's the matter?

$ , .

That a lot for a
cappuccino machine?

$ , For a machine that
goes, "ccchhh," and spits coffee.

My father's in boca doing
the same thing for free!

This is not just any
cappuccino machine.

It's italian!

So what? Have you
ever driven a fiat?!

Ok, ok. Guys...

You have a grand
opening in days.

You're a little tense.
It's perfectly normal.

I've had my own business.
I totally understand.

But you have to
take a deep breath

And try to remember why
you entered this partnership

In the first place. Come on.

$ , ! What the hell
were you thinking?!

I explained this to you!

Ok, ok. You guys, you know what?

I'm not doing anything for
the next couple of days.

I'm gonna hang around here

And make sure you guys get
started on the right foot.

Oh, wow. Thank you.

You're a really big help.

Great. So, what could I do?

Really? Yeah. I wanna help.

Well, you could help
us unpack these mugs.

Great. It's the least I can do.

These are great.

I do that sometimes.

Well, here we are.

Ah, see, it wasn't that
far out of our way.

I can't thank you enough.

No problem. Our pleasure.

Hey, look at this. Here
we go again. "Who cares?"

Who cares?

What is that all about?

See that? I'm not the
only one who cares.

You don't really care, do you?

I care a little.

I have a theory. I think
there's a guy named who

Who's running for office.

A guy named who?

Where, in the abbott
and costello district?

Well, what do you think it is?

I don't know. Who cares already?

Listen, here you go.
Here's your packages.

Nice meeting you.
Best of luck to you.

Hey, can I ask you something?

Uh, sure. Anything.

Just to get another opinion.

Does it bother you when strangers
want to touch your stomach?

'Cause to me, it's
so not a big deal.

I mean, people are
naturally curious

Since, after
all, it's a miracle.

Well, I wouldn't call it that.

I don't understand

If somebody wants to
touch it for one second.

Well, uh, I guess...

I mean, I suppose, if
you really want to.

I'd enjoy it. I would.

You can.

Ooh, there you go. You see?
Nothing wrong with that.

No. That was nice. Thank you.

Take a feel. Me?

Look what's going on.

Whoo! I think I felt something.

Pretty soon, there'll
be nothing there to feel.

Yeah? When is the big day?

Well, I don't know exactly,

But I aim for about months.

Months? I didn't know you
could control it like that.

I'm in the zone.

What zone?

The new diet. I've lost
pounds in months.

You sure that's such a
good idea in your condition?

What condition?

I said, what condition?

Hello!

Your condition... In your
condition that you're...

Naturally, organically,
a certain, uh...

Not largeness, but
it's not smallness,

Let's be honest,
there's nothing small...

Uh, ok... A little help?

Paulie, please.

To clarify. All
right, so you're just...

You're just... You're
a solid citizen.

W-w-well, you're
just a big stupid!

What's the matter with you?

Very smooth move. Very smooth.

Can I tell you my
favorite words?

Ka... Ching!

Jamie, we need
more water glasses!

[Glass breaks]

Jamie: yes, you do!

Is it my imagination,

Or has she broken
a lot of stuff?

[More glass breaks]

She's broken a lot of stuff.

You have to talk to her.

She's your cousin.

By marriage. By marriage.
That doesn't count.

Well, I love jamie.

I love her, too,
but she's k*lling us.

That's why you've got
to tell her to go away.

I'm not gonna tell her.

I'm not gonna tell her.

Somebody's gotta tell her.

Hey, guys!

Paul! Paul!

What'd I do?

Uh, nothing. So, how you been?

Good. How you doing?

The place looks great. Thanks.

I love the name...
Madame defarge.

They had a big dance hit in the
eighties, didn't they? Remember?

Please. Don't go there.

Sorry. What'd I say?

Nothing. Hey, would
you like to have a seat?

How about a cup of coffee?

Only if you got some made.

Yeah. Coffee shop.

Uh, yeah... No,
actually, I'm fine.

Tell me, how's jamie doing?

[Loud crash]

Jamie: my fault!

Ok, uh, here's the thing.

We love jamie.

We love her very much.

What's not to love?

I'm a lucky man.

Here's the thing.
She's k*lling us.

She's breaking mugs.
She's breaking cake plates.

The ashtray. Don't
forget the ashtray.

She broke his
grandmother's ashtray.

Listen, guys, I understand.

She's just sensitive
about this stuff right now,

And working here is
really wonderful for her.

Yeah, but I'm telling you,

We have almost
nothing of value left.

I will... I'll reimburse
you for the mugs.

How many mugs did she break?

.

See, I thought right there,
you were gonna say, like, .

Paulie, you gotta help us.

What do you want me to do?

Can't you say
something nice to her

That'll make her go away?

Guys, I mean, don't you
think you ought to do that?

No. We could never do that.

It'd be much nicer
coming from you.

Come on. It's your
responsibility.

Why? It's your store.

It's your wife. Yes, exactl...

I can't do that.
Please, come on.

Just be nice to her
and tell her the truth.

Look, she's an adult, you're
both adults, just be mature.

Ok. We'll do it.

Hi! Hi!

Oh, hey, we were
just talking to paul.

What are you doing here?

Nothing. Just came to see
how you're doing. How are you?

Great.

They really need my help.

Thank god I'm here.

So, did you do... What?

Just love you very
much, that's all.

So, did you do it yet?

Do what? "What?"

Did you apologize
to the nice lady?

Oh, uh, you know, i...

I'm building up to it.

That was days ago.
You said you feel terrible.

And I do. I really do.

So apologize to her.

I... I, you know... I don't
know where she lives.

You walked her to her house.

Yeah, but I think a lot
of times she goes out.

Paul.

What?

Just do the mature
thing. You'll feel better.

You hear that, guys?

Do the mature
thing. Be more like me.

You want a cappuccino?

No, thanks.

Come on. I just learned
how to work the machine.

In that case, sure.

Uh... Jamie...

Um, there's something that
we have to talk to you about.

Absolutely. Just
give me one minute.

[Smash]

You know what?
Doesn't matter now.

You know what it may be?

Oh, leave it alone.

No, I'm serious. An acronym...

Who... W.h.o.

"We help... Oxen."

It could be.

Yeah, that's what it is.

Hey, is that her?

No. That's not her?

Would you stop worrying?

It's a city of million people.

Million people who take
the same bus every day.

She's not gonna get on this bus.

How do you know?

You know how you see a
beautiful woman on a bus,

You hope to see her
again, you never do?

Yeah? It's the same thing.

Only she's not so beautiful,

And you never want
to see her again.

I hope you're right
because this is her stop.

The woman: oh,
excuse me. Pardon me.

Thank you. You're very kind.

My god!

Like, what's the odds
of this happening?

You should've bet me.

Ok, you know what? What?

We gotta do the mature thing.

Yeah? Yeah.

Can I have a cappuccino?

Um... No.

An espresso?

No.

Latte? No.

House blend?

Uh, no.

Mocha grande? No.

Cafe au lait? No.

Brewed decaf? Sorry.

Any coffee product at all?

No.

Is that a starbuck's I
saw down the street?

Yeah. Thank you.

Ooh! Gin.

Oh, good.

Ira: hey, look at that.
Would you look at that?

Paulie, we're getting
closer. I can feel it.

They're gonna let us know soon.

At this moment, I feel
genuinely sorry for you.

Oh, hey. Hi! Hey!

Listen... No. No,
no, wait a second.

Please, please. Just
wait one second?

Aren't you finished
with fat people?

Why don't you go
mock the handicapped?

Can I just say something?
One moment. Let me apologize.

I meant no offense.
I meant no insult.

I just made a big mistake,

I screwed up, and I'm sorry.

I'd like to believe you...

Believe him. It's been
bothering him for days.

It really has. Really?

Can we buy you a cup of coffee?

Ok. Yeah.

There's a new place
right around here,

And, oh, it's great.

They have small, medium,
large... Whatever you want...

See? Isn't this nice?

Look how far we've come.

Sitting together nicely,
enjoying a beverage.

Yes, it's nice.

It is nice, you know?
Hanging out, making friends,

Meeting family.

Your wife is very lovely.

Well, thank you.

When is she due?
Oh, just a few weeks.

Oh, wow! How come they
don't serve coffee here?

David: jamie?

Yeah?

It's a... Long story.

Have you ever thought
of having kids yourself?

Oh, I don't think so.

I'll bet you would
be a great mother.

Excuse me? Don't you think?

Don't you think she'd
be a great mother?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Look at her. She's
so sweet and natural,

Just a certain maternal
sense about you.

"She"?

"She"? Hmm?

Oh, my god.

What?

You think I'm a woman?

You think I'm a woman!

Do I think you're a woman?

You're asking me... Do
I think she's a woman?

Yes, I think you do.

You're a woman, aren't you?

Please be a woman!

No!

I'm a man!

Yes, of course you are!

I know that. Come on.

I'm kidding. Yes, you're
a very masculine man.

Nobody's doubting that.

Hey, why don't we go
to a hardware store?

Yes! Let's do that, the of us.

This is so embarrassing!

I can't believe you
think I'm a woman!

Not at all! That's
not what I said.

I think you misunderstood me.

Misunderstood? Yes.

You said "she." You said "her."

Yes, but...

You said I'd make a good mother!

Yes, but that you'd be...

When I said you'd
be a good mother,

That's like... That's street
talk. That's an expression.

That means you're
cool. You're very cool.

I call you a good mother
all the time, don't i?

I do! Look. Hey, dave...

You'd be a good mother.

You see? He likes it
when I say it to him.

This is too much.

No, it's not too much!
It's not too much!

God, on the street
the other day...

You thought I was pregnant!

Never! No, no...

Yes! You thought I
was a pregnant woman!

Now she's all upset!

he! He!

Whatever.

You know what, renee?

I think tomorrow we're
gonna laugh about this.

No, no. This is the most
horrible moment of my life.

Let's just sit down
and talk about this.

Now we know everything...

You know us. We
know you. This is good.

This is what friends
do over a beverage.

You know what?
Let's get somebody...

Jared, you know what?

Let me get a chocolate
chip cookie for myself...

Same.

Ok... And for the lady?

"Who really, really cares?"

What do you suppose
the difference is?

The extra "really."

You know what, paulie?

They lost me.

You see that? Nobody cares.

This is what I'm saying.