05x20 - The Dry Run

[bunniefuu]

Hey, hey, where are you going?

I'm going to return the
video you rented weeks ago.

I'm going to watch that.

You're so not
going to watch this.

As soon as I have time.

You will never have time.

I will.

Meryl streep comes back and tells
dustin hoffman he can keep the kid.

Here you go.

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart
as much as you ♪

♪ Let's take each other's hand ♪

♪ And jump into
the final frontier ♪

All right... Let's review.

Effacement is...
Thinning of the cervix.

Good. And lightening is...

When the fetus descends
into the pelvic cavity.

Very good.

And the fundus is...

And the fundus is... Um...

That's the... The funnest
fun anybody could have.

I don't know.

What a surprise.

We know, too! We know!

We know what it is.

It's... It's the part
of the uterus

That's the farthest
away from cervix.

Very good. Very good.

What? That counts.
We're together.

All right, is there anybody here

Who still hasn't done
their dry run, yet?

The dry run... The packing
the bag, the picking the route,

It might all seem mundane,

But I can assure
you, it is crucial

To a smooth,
successful delivery.

I thought I had made that clear.

Oh, you have.

I remember. Many times.

Hey.

All right, then.
I guess that's it.

Thank you, everybody.
Class dismissed.

Thanks. See you next
time. See you next week.

Except for you two.

Hi.

You know, you guys
wouldn't even be in this class

If it weren't for joan.

I know. She's a
wonderful doctor.

We love joan. Joan...

Have you been doing
your dromedary droop?

She was going to. The droop.

We were... I wouldn't
say I've been...

Have you even done
your tailor stretches?

You tried. The
stretches with the...

We found they kind of
snapped right back at us.

Have you even watched
the birthing video?

Did we watch the birthing video?

I took it out, and I
think the phone rang

No. I didn't actually... No.

And obviously you
haven't done the dry run.

Meaning to. Ok,
that we can explain.

Oh, look, I have a waiting list

Of over couples.

I have couples on this list

Who have already
had their babies

And still want
to take the class.

We know.

Well... Most people...

Want to succeed at birth.

We do. We really do.

We want to be
a big hit at birth.

All right. Because of
my relationship with joan

And because of
my respect for her,

And only because of that,
I'll give you one more chance.

Ok. Tomorrow night.

But you must watch
the birthing video.

We will. We will.
And do the dry run.

Yes. We'll do it. We'll do that.

All right, I'll meet you at
the hospital tomorrow at : .

You will pre-register, then
I will take you on the tour.

Now, if you're
not there by : ,

Don't bother
coming back to class.

We will see you
tomorrow night, : -ish.

No "ish."

Paulie, are these all
the release forms?

Yeah. Should be.

Then where's your mother's,
and where's your father's?

Huh? They're not in there?

No.

All right. Just
give me a second.

I'm almost done with this scene.

The first night jamie
met our parents,

Needless to say, was
a little intimidating.

She ate like a horse.

I remember after dinner

We were going to
have some ice cream,

And jamie offered to go
in the kitchen and get it.

She was always very
polite and helpful.

At this time, ma had this
spoon, this cockamamie spoon...

It was a jfk
commemorative spoon.

It was a collector's
item. Silver.

It was a piece of crap.

After paul and
jamie left that night,

Ma noticed that
the spoon was gone.

She seemed nice enough,
but I didn't know her.

Well, ma immediately assumed
that jamie had stolen the spoon.

Ma never confronted jamie.

She never mentioned it to her.

Mentioned it to everybody
else over and over again,

But never to jamie.

Anyway, it's water
under the bridge.

Ma has never forgiven her,

And to this day, of course,

No one has ever proven that
jamie actually stole the spoon.

However, between you and me,

I'm positive that she did.

This is great. This is like...

It's like the story of
the buchman women.

You know, each with their
own version of the truth,

And who knows what the truth is?

I think it's one of the best
sequences in the whole film.

Paulie, release forms,
ok? Release forms!

Ok, now, did you
look everywhere? Yes.

I can't believe... I thought
you said you had them all.

I thought I did, too.

Frankly, I'm a
little taken aback.

Without the release forms,
we cannot release the film.

We got to have everybody's
permission. Legally.

Wait a minute. Let's just relax.

It is your mother and your
father we're talking about, right?

Let's not anticipate a problem.

Hello. It's only me.

Hey, deb. Hi, you. Don't get up.

Hey, deb, do you know if mom and
dad ever got those release forms?

Yes.

And?

Mom's not signing hers.

Why not?

Something about the spoon story.

The spoon story?

She's got a problem
with the spoon story?

That's one of the
best things we have.

I was just working on that.

I don't know. All I can
tell you is mom's not happy.

Oh, this is not good.

Paulie, we've got to get
her to sign those forms.

The spoon story is brilliant.

Except that ma says
jamie stole the spoon,

And jamie always
said she didn't,

So it's ma's word
against jamie's.

Well, jamie didn't steal the
spoon. Everybody knows that.

Of course she did.
Everybody knows that.

She did not.

Oh, paulie, come on.
Hey, I don't even care.

All I want to do is get
the release forms signed.

You know, and frankly, I do
admire you for sticking up for her.

I'm not! I'm not sticking
up for anything.

She didn't steal a thing.

Oh, paulie, come on.

It was a classic.

James comes to the house
the first time, and, boom, ripoff.

She didn't rip off a spoon.

What is she, a nut?

It was thrown away
or lost or something.

All right. Good.
Look, the point is,

We've got to get your
mother's signature.

All right, well... I
have an idea. What?

You know how to
forge mom's signature.

Come on, it was fourth grade.

Go ahead. No!

Jamie: what is the
matter with her?

I told her , times.

I bent the spoon in the ice
cream, and I threw it out.

I know, I know. I understand.

All right, here we go.

Walkman. Yes.

Tapes, depending on
what type of birth.

We've got vivaldi,
sinatra, lyle lovett,

Rem, and garbage.

That's a band.

Thank you.

Ok... Stopwatch.
Got the stopwatch.

Picture of your
cousin ernie as a child.

Cousin ernie.

And now, why your
cousin ernie as a child?

'Cause he's so cute.

Ok.

Let's throw this in there.

What is this?

It's a book.

What? What are you doing?

What are you bringing this for?

To read.

You are not going to be sitting

In a chaise lounge
getting a tan.

This isn't a vacation.
We're having a baby.

I thought I would
have some down time.

At the birth of your child?

I don't know. No?

Ok. All right. No.

All right.

We're supposed to meet
amy at the hospital in an hour.

We're already in trouble, and
we haven't watched the video.

We'll be fine. Don't
worry about the video.

We're not in trouble. Come on.

We're packing a bag we're not
even going to use for weeks.

Here we go. Disposable camera.

This is the kind that takes
those panoramic pictures.

So I'll stand far away.

How could she think I would
steal a cheap little spoon?

If my mother doesn't sign
those release forms, I'm dead.

I'm just dead in the water.

Who is that for?

Do you understand what
actually is going to happen here?

For the baby!

Put the thing on the baby.

Right. Sure. Ok. All right.

It's just so stupid
with my mother

Because, like, you're
really gonna steal a spoon

From her house

'Cause you love spoons that
much, and you need a spoon.

And if you did steal a spoon,

Then you're gonna keep that
a secret from me for years?

It's so absurd.

Y'know?

Sweetie?

Honey?

Sweetie.

Oh, no!

I stole the spoon.

No!

I can't lie.

You can't lie?

I can lie to other
people. I can't lie to you.

After years.

Wow!

I'm sorry!

Your first time in
my parents' house,

And this is what
you do? You steal?

It was a long time ago!

Who knew we'd still be together?

I can't believe

Sylvia has been walking
around all this time

Thinking I did it.

Honey, you did do it!

You have to promise
me, swear to me,

You will never tell your mother.

Well, you would like
that, wouldn't you?

You have to swear. I
would die of embarrassment.

Well, look who's
holdi" all the cards now.

I'm carrying your child.

Ok. All right.

Roosevelt hospital, please?

Roosevelt island?

No. Hospital.

Uh-huh.

Ok.

Roosevelt island hospital.

No. Roosevelt hospital.

Here we go.

Yes. Here we go.

Roosevelt hospital. No island.

Island?

Long island?

I must call it in. I
don't know where...

No. I'm saying no island.

Forget I said that.

It's roosevelt...
Roosevelt hospital.

It's not... Not
roosevelt island.

Not roosevelt
island hospital, either.

Ok.

Just regular plain
roosevelt hospital.

Ok. Ok.

Why is he going this way?

What way? This way.

Can't you get to
roosevelt hospital this way?

No.

Um... No. Wait.

Um, excuse me.

Yes?

See, um... My wife is pregnant.

Having baby?! [Tires screech]

No, no, no, no, no. She's not.

This... This is
just a... A dry run.

Oh, good luck.

What dry run?

Uh, it's a dry run? A dry run?

Where is? Where is dry run?

I don't know dry run. Where is?

Uh... Uh... No. A dry... Uh...

This is the dry run.

Right here?!

[Tires screech]

Ok. I'm getting out.

Ok. Now, hang on.

Sweetie, please.

We have to... Um, please
start... Start driving again.

[Shudders]

Um, there is no place
dry run. This is a dry...

See? Ok.

A dry run, that's... That's

For people like us, who...
They are having a baby,

But not... Not today.

Not quite yet.

Why?

Why? Because we...
Pretend. We're practicing.

We pretend like we're
going to the hospital

So we know what it will
be like when it happens.

Why pretend to having baby

If you're really having baby?

That's a good question.
That's a good question.

That makes a good point.
That makes no sense, doesn't it?

Maybe 'cause we're gonna get
kicked out of class if we don't.

Do you like that reason?

That's a good reason.

Ok. Guess what?

What?

We're heading to
roosevelt island!

Good morning, amy.

Hi.

Hey, amy.

Hi. Hi.

Hi, amy.

I don't think so.

Yeah, joan.

Yeah. See, what happened was...

Just ask her to talk to amy.

If you could talk
to amy for us...

Just tell her we're very sorry.

Um, maybe just tell
her that we're sorry.

Tell her we're very sorry.

Sorry we put her in
such an awkward position.

Um... We're sorry that we put
her in such an awkward position.

Tell her it was my fault.

If it helps, you know, you could
tell her that it was paul's fault.

No, don't actually say it!

Uh, no, no, no. Not exactly.

Um, listen...

Tell her... 'Cause
amy, she's a fanatic.

We found that amy
was... She's a fanatic.

Do you want to do this?!

Joan, hi.

How's tricks?

Ok. Here's jamie.

Hi. Yeah. Thank you so much.

Ok. Bye-bye.

'Cause you get on the phone
with her, you know how you are.

Uh-huh. She's gonna call amy
and try to get us back in the class.

Oh, goody.

How's it going? Is
the tea almost ready?

Uh, give me a second here.

Hey, james, don't forget
to put out the spoons.

You know? I mean, to stir with.

Don't worry. I won't.

I mean, I'll get the spoons
for you. I'd be happy to.

Why don't you just take
this and go inside, huh?

All right.

Ok. He's on to you.

He's not on to anything.

He's not gonna
be on to anything,

'Cause you're not gonna
tell him. You swore.

I don't know that
I swore, per se.

All right. Sorry.

Is everything all right?

Basically.

Basically? What does that mean?

Everything's fine.

Well, what kind of
tea is this? Herbal.

Herbal?! Don't you
have any lipton?

The kids don't drink the lipton.

The bag doesn't even
have a string on it.

So don't drink it.

All right, everybody, look,
as producer of this film,

It is my responsibility to secure
the release forms, all right?

Now, aunt sylvia, what can I
do to make it more comfortable

For you to sign yours?

It's a very simple problem.

Either you cut the sequence...

I'm not gonna do that.

Or, forgive me, you get
jamie to admit the truth

That she stole the spoon.

That's a fine idea, sylvia,
except for one thing.

I didn't steal the spoon.

Right. Yeah.

But you're saying
if she did admit it,

Then you would sign the release.

Sweetie?

I'm just trying to understand.

There's nothing to understand.

It's not an option because
the point is I didn't steal it.

Uh-huh... No. Ok. There you are.

Listen, I saw you admire
the spoon furtively.

And then, poof, it was gone.

Now, I don't blame you
because it is a gorgeous utensil.

Yes. Yes, it was,
but I didn't steal it.

Well, it didn't
walk away by itself.

How do you know that?

James, come on. If you
didn't steal it, who did?

Maybe you did.

I did not.

I told you, let it sit.

I always say, let
the ice cream sit.

It softens up.

He has always said that.

I tried to scoop a little
bit out with the spoon,

It bent, and I threw
it away. My god!

You believe her, paulie?

Hmm?

Yes, of course he does! Honey?

Why are you
protecting her, paulie?

He's not. Sweetie?

Sweetie. Honey... What?

Do you want these release
forms signed, or don't you?

You know, I never liked
that spoon anyway.

It was like some baby spoon.

All right. You know,
ma, jamie would not steal

Because... Stealing is bad.

Look, I will not sign
the release form

Unless jamie admits
she stole the spoon...

I didn't. Or you
cut the sequence.

That's extortion!

That's your word, not mine.

You know, that reminds me.

That footage I saw
where I'm talking.

Yeah. It's very good.

I look like hell!

Paulie, I'm not a vain man,

But I don't wanna look
like a... Like a wolfman!

You don't... He looked awful.

This is a way to
light your father?

I want you to do it again.

You want me to reshoot?

Yeah, yeah! Reshoot.

I'm not gonna reshoot!

Then I am not gonna sign
the release form, either!

What are you talkin' about?

I didn't even know I had
the option not to sign.

Now that I know, I'm
not signing it, either.

Look, paulie, I don't
want america to think

That your father's
some kind of a freak!

Dad, nobody's gonna think that!

I'll think that!

Where are you goin'?

I'm gonna go get
some real tea bags!

Your father is very upset.

I...

What the...

What?

Nothin'. Nothin'.

Just thinkin' about
that spoon, that's all.

All right, ira...

James, please, just
tell me the truth.

I mean, I don't care if
you stole the spoon.

I just care about the movie.

You want to hear the truth?

Yes.

I did not steal the spoon.

Liar. Bite me. Hey, hey!

I'm warning both of you, I
will turn this car around.

Hey, come on! James...

She's the only one who
had the motive, the means,

And the opportunity!

Listen to you. You're nuts!

I may be nuts, but
I'll tell ya this.

In order to sign
those release forms,

I have got to get to
the bottom of this.

And if I have to take
james down in the process,

Well, that's what
I'm gonna have to do.

All right?

[Door slams]

It's a spoon!

Oh, honey, how sweet is this?

Look how tightly
she's holding his hand.

See? She's doing the breathing.

What is this cheesy music?

It's like p*rn movies.

I like it. It's happy.

His father's pants
with the flares.

It's, like, , this movie.

So what? They're
about to have a baby.

Look, look. She's pushing.

I shouldn't watch this.

Of course you should.
Honey, this is us.

This is the... My goodness.

They just show you
everything, don't they?

What is that?

Honey, that's the crowning.

This is when the baby's
head finally... Whoa.

Oh!

Holy mother of god!

We're making great time.

We sure are.

Yeah. What's amy gonna say now?

She'll say something, I'm sure.

Believe me, this dry
run, it's a piece of cake.

We're gonna be just fine.

[Whistle] man: stop! Police!

[Tires screech]

Out of the cab! Out of the cab!

I need this vehicle! Let's go!

I'm engaged in a
high-speed pursuit!

Let's go! Let's go, man!

You! You! Out of the car, now!

Could you drop us
at roosevelt hospital?

Get out!

I gotta tell you,

The chance of this happening
in an actual labor, very slim.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Honey, are you all right?!

No! My toe! Ow!

Stay right there,
sweetie. I'll get a cab.

Stay there.

[Rings bell]

Oh!

Oh, honey!

[Horn honks]

Look at me. I'm wile e. Coyote.

Sweetie, are you ok?

I've been better.

We have to get
you to the hospital.

I'm gonna get a cab.

No. Maybe I could
get hit by a boat.

Right here! Taxi!

Sweetie, get in.

Ok. All right. Ok.

Roosevelt hospital, please?

Roosevelt island?

All right, mr. Buchman, I'm
going to have to wrap your foot.

It might hurt a little bit.

That's to be
expected... Ow... Ok.

Don't you think I should
be knocked out for this?

It's just a small
bruise, mr. Buchman.

I know, but still...
Now, does this hurt?

Yes! Yes! Yes! I need something.

Honey, I'm right here.

It hurts!

I know it does.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

I know, sweetie.

Almost done, mr. Buchman.

Honey, breathe, breathe...

That's it. You're doing
good. You're doing good.

You're doing good.

There you go,
mr. Buchman. All done.

Ok. I just made a
very big decision.

Next time I go through
this, I'm gettin' the epidural.

Here I was, a guest
in your house,

Meeting you all
for the first time,

And I commit this
unconscionable act.

You must have
felt... Very violated.

And I know that...

That we've had a rocky
relationship at times,

But that's no
excuse for what I did.

I... Apologize profusely,
and I hope that someday

I'll be able to win
back your trust.

What? It's a spoon.

[Doorbell buzzes]

That's what I said
the whole time.

I got it. I got it. I got it.

You got what?

It was uncle bert. Me?!

Ira, she... Paulie,
think about it.

Aunt sylvia was
infatuated with jfk.

Now, uncle bert, you knew
you would never be the man

That jfk was in her eyes.

Ira... And that consumed you.

The rage, the jealousy...
You had to lash out.

Ira... And so you
copped the spoon.

The spoon that she loved,
the spoon that she cherished.

Ira! You stole the spoon,
didn't you, uncle bert?

Ira! She already confessed.

Oh, really?

Oh. Well, that
was my first guess.

Anyway, as I was saying...

I think this belongs to you.

Here you go, sylvia.

This isn't my spoon.

Pardon me? What?

It's an elvis presley spoon.

Wait a minute. This is my spoon!

I thought I lost this.

What the hell are you
doing with my spoon?

No. No!

Where are you going? I
live on roosevelt island!

Yes! Roosevelt
hospital. Don't worry.