05x21 - Guardianhood

[bunniefuu]

Ingrid bergman: you're saying
this only to make me go.

Humphrey bogart: I'm saying
it because it's true.

Inside of us we both know
you belong with victor.

What about us?

We'll always have paris.

We didn't have... We lost it
until you came to casablanca.

We got it back last night.

Ilsa, I'm no good
at being noble,

But it doesn't take much to see
that the problems of little people

Don't amount to a hill of
beans in this crazy world.

Someday you'll understand that.

[Music swells]

Now, now...

Here's looking at you, kid.

Can I get you something, jamie?

No, thanks, bobby. I'm fine.

A little more popcorn?

No, uh, kilos, that's
pretty much my limit.

Ok.

But if you do need something,

You'll let me know,
though, right?

I promise I will.

Great.

Bobby.

Oh, sorry. Sorry.

Claude rains: it might
be a good idea for

You to disappear from
casablanca for a while.

Water'd be great.
Maybe some water.

Sorry about my brother.

Oh, no, no.

I mean you're out to here,

Not to mention the
fact that you're married.

And you've got an -year-old
kid fawning over you.

Does that bother you?

I wish it did.

Hey, hey, hey, shh!

Louie, I think this is the
beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Oh, here's your water.

Hmm, ahh, my goodness gracious.

Look at that.

I understand. Yeah, I found it.

Yeah.

Thank you.

You know what?

I actually have to go.

Boy, you'd think
getting off a couch

Would be easy, wouldn't you?

But it just isn't.

Then there's the
whole fiasco of bending.

Oh, I got it. I got it.

Thank you, bobby.

You're much more than welcome.

Good night. Very
nice to meet everyone.

Thanks for inviting me and
remembering it's my favorite movie.

You're welcome.

Hey, I remember when you
first watched it with paul,

Your husband.

I was really glad
to meet you, jamie.

Take care, bobby.

Ok. I hope we can
meet again sometime.

You know, maybe lisa'll have everybody
over to watch another movie or something.

Ok.

Or maybe we'll just run into
each other at a social function.

Ok.

Or maybe we'll just happen
to meet on the street.

Ok.

So until then, jamie... All: ok!

He was so sweet and
little. It was just adorable.

Mm, yeah, he sounds
very sweet and very little.

Ok, I have a question for you.

If you had to choose...

I'm just saying i,
apparently, am still a babe.

I never said you
were not a babe.

All right, here's my question:

If you had to decide today,

Who would you select
to be guardian of said child

In the event that we were
both k*lled, maimed, or other.

Wait, wait, wait.
What happened there?

I spoke to this
lawyer this morning,

And he says we have
to select a guardian.

Now?

Well, if we do it
after we're dead,

It'll just be so much harder.

Wow. Guardians.

Yeah.

Weird, huh?

Yeah.

So who do you think?

I don't wanna think.

Ira?

Ira?

Why not?

He needs a guardian.

Ok.

Lisa?

And that would be what: to
mock the whole idea of a guardian?

All right.

I think it... It
should be a couple.

I think it should, too.

I think it should
be mark and fran.

Are you sure that's wise?

Why not? They're
wonderful parents.

Their kid's a sociopath.

We're not sure
that's their fault.

Must we stay up
nights wondering?

They're our best friends.

Yeah, but i... I
feel us drifting.

Plus we are ryan's guardians.

I'm sure fran is sitting there
waiting for us to ask her.

You and me are ryan's guardians?

You knew that.

We said yes years ago, but
we didn't mean anything by it.

[Doorbell buzzes]

The point is, should anything
happen to mark and fran,

We are ryan's parents.

Ooh, boy. Honey, we
gotta do everything we can

To keep them alive.

Hey, oscar, what's going on?

This came.

Oh, great, thanks.

It's for you.

Here, let me... A
little something...

Thank you so much.

Here.

Ok?

Ok.

I just always feel like
I'm disappointing him.

Ha ha!

What's that?

"To jamie, this could be

"The beginning of a
beautiful friendship.

Love, bobby."

Mm-hmm. Look in the envelope.

Popcorn.

You know why?

'Cause you saw
the movie last night.

You know why else?
'Cause you're still a babe?

Mm-hmm. I see.

There's fran.

Hi! Hi!

Hi.

How you been?

Fine. How've you been?

Fine.

It's nice to see you.

Yeah.

Who are you?

You don't remember us?

Um... Ohh.

Ohh... No.

Ha! We sure remember you.

Good! Ok. Hi, then.

Hi!

Boy, we haven't seen
you around here in ages.

Yeah, I got thrown
out of my apartment.

Ohh. Where've you been staying?

With friends.

You got thrown out
of your apartment?

I bet therein lies a tale, huh?

What do you mean?

No, I just said it like...

Like there's a long story there.

No.

Ok, ok.

You know what? That's our
friend, so we're just gonna go.

Ok. You're leaving?

No. No, we're just gonna
go right over here.

With our friend.

Oh, ok. Nice meeting you.

Is it us?

No. No.

Hi. Hi.

Mark. Who's on the phone?

Hi, mark. Hi, mark.

Mark, loudly: hiya,
guys. Listen,

Tell them I'm sorry
I couldn't be there.

He's sorry he can't be here.

Tell them I just
couldn't get away.

He says he just
couldn't get away.

Fran... We actually
can hear him.

Ohh. Ha.

God bless mark, never
a soft-spoken fella.

So, james, tell
me... How ya feelin'?

Is it bad that my hands are
swollen times their usual size?

Comes with the territory.

So, guys, what did you
want to talk to us about?

Mark, honey, I'm
gonna put you down.

Ok. Order me the soup!
They got a minimum.

Always thinking.

So... What's going on?

Uh, why don't we order
first, and then we'll tell ya.

Are you pregnant?

Yes, I am.

Ok, I'm gonna get
you a booster seat.

Or I can tell you now.

Mark: what's up?

Um... Ok, here's the thing.

We, uh...

My heart's b*ating
a mile a minute.

Well, it's a very
emotional thing.

Tell us, tell us. What is it?!

Ok. Um...

You guys know how
much we love you.

Yeah, yeah...

You're our best
friends. You really are.

Yeah, yeah...

I'm so happy about
this. I really am, too.

Ok. Fran... Mark...
Would you be...

The guardians of our child?

No.

I'm sorry.

You heard her: no.

I mean, thank you,
and we're flattered,

But... No.

Mark: absolutely not.

No?

You're saying no?

Ok, here is your fettuccine.

Paul, we would like to do it.

We really would,
but we just can't.

Why not?

We're already guardians
to... What is it, fran...

Kids already.

We are so potentially
overbooked.

It's incredible.

"Overbooked"?

The thing is...

The thing is, it's a
very big responsibility!

You... You have to get to
know the child intimately.

Y-you have to...

You have to foster a special
relationship with the child...

And your child and that child,

They have to get along...

They have to get along like...

They gotta get along like
brother and sister! Am I right, fran?!

Am I right?! Hello!

You're right.

I'm going into the tunnel!

First of all, it's not
such a big responsibility.

We are guardians
to, like, kids.

Believe me, it means nothing.

Nothing?! You're our kid's
guardians, for cryin' out loud.

Ok, mark, I know, but,
come on, let's be honest:

What are the chances?

I can't believe
you're saying no.

Is it our fault that you're having
children relatively late in life?

That was uncalled for.

Our dance card is full!

Your "dance card"?

Well, maybe we have to rethink

Whether or not we want
ryan on our dance card.

What's the difference, since
you think it means nothing anyway?

Fine.

Get up, frannie.

Pick me up. Walk
away from the table.

Hey! You don't walk
away from me, buddy.

Put me down! Let me go, paul!

Put me down! Paul, put me down!

Fine!

Consider yourself no
longer ryan's guardians.

Good! Fine!

We're better off. So are we.

Frannie, walk away.
Just walk away.

I refuse to eat
with these people.

Fine. Walk away.

And also, since we don't
have to take care of the kid,

You can drop dead now.

I thought the guy on
the phone wanted soup.

I can't believe mark and
fran would turn us down.

You think you know people.

Can I just say my ring finger

Is now the thickness
of a small banana?

Which leads us to
our next question:

Who's our second choice?

Oh, boy... Your parents?

I... Just can't do
that to my child.

All right. Ok.

I think joan and debbie.

Do you think that's wise?

You gonna say that every time?

No, I think it's a great idea.

I just thought...

I'm not so sure
it's a good idea.

Why? You mean because
they're lesbians?

No. No, I mean because
you know, there'd...

There'd be no man in the couple.

Which I understand that's the
whole point of lesbians, yes, but still...

I think joan and debbie
would make fantastic parents.

Hey, listen, I don't argue.
I think they'd be great.

Much better parents
than mark and fran.

Mark and fran...

I wouldn't let them watch
my goldfish for the weekend.

[Doorbell buzzes]

Oh! Got it.

That's so funny. My ring...

Comes off like that. [Snap snap]

How do you know?

Huh? I take it off when
I go out to meet girls.

Hi, oscar. What's... What's up?

These came.

Ok, well, just... Great,
here you go, there.

All right?

Ok.

Just tell me what
I can do, oscar.

Tell me what I can do.

Let me see, let me see.

It's something.

[Reading]

"You belong with
bobby rubenfeld."

That is hilarious.

That's the guy?

Uh-huh.

Actual size?

Jealous?

A little jealous?

A little tiny bit jealous?

Not really.

Why not?

I'm lookin' at bugsy
malone there.

What does that card say?

"Here's your crappy saucepan
from the dinner party that time.

Don't ever call us
again. Mark and fran."

Mine's better.

Yes.

Yeah, and then last year

I got my heart
broken twice by guys.

For a total of ?

Huh?

Twice by guys.

No, a total of twice.

All right, so once
was by guys?

No, twice by guys.

Right, but of that twice by guys,
once by one guy and once by guys?

No, the second time was one guy.

Ok, so one... One
time was by one guy,

And the second
time was by one guy?

Uh-huh.

So that's a total of guys.

Uh-huh.

So then who was the third guy?

Yeah, my friend walter.

He didn't break your heart?

No, but he was around.

I see. Ok.

Hi, guys.

Hi! Hiya, joanie.

Hello!

Would you like to
start with a drink?

Uh, chianti, please.

I'll have the same.

Sparkling water.

Uh, a beer. Whatever you got.

Ok, why don't I give
you a little time.

Thanks for coming.

What's up? Oh,
it's our pleasure.

Well, here's the thing.

Um, first, we want you to know
how much we both love you.

Jamie: we really do
love you so much.

And I would have to say at this
point you are our best friends.

It's true.

Aww... Ohh... Um... Ok, well...

You know we're
gonna have a baby soon.

This is why you've been
coming to the office so much.

Yes, exactly. Yes.

Aha!

Well, would you be...

The guardians of that child?

We have to go.

Paul: what?

Just don't ask, paul, please.

It's a little bit
of a sore subject.

It's not gonna be
any less sore later.

Could we not do
this in a bar and grill?

We didn't mean to say
anything. I don't know what...

Ok... Here we go.

Diet pepsi... And
chocolate shake,

Mochaccino.

Eggs over easy.

Uh, miss...

Simmer down. The
bacon's right here.

Your sister doesn't want
to have any more children.

I don't want to
be a parent again.

Joan: why not?

Look, you don't understand, ok?

You're through with
the baby the day it's born.

Believe me, there's a lot
more work after that.

Everybody, let's calm down.

We're not asking
you to be the parents.

Yes, you are.

Yes, we are.

Well, yes, ok, but...

Realistically, what
are the chances?

Will you excuse me please?

I'm sorry, jamie,
I'm sorry, paul,

But this is just the way
it's gonna have to be.

You know what?
It's the lunch rush.

I'm doing the best I can.

Uncle phil?

No.

Aunt blossom?

No.

Nat?

You know, the sad thing
is I'm only half kidding.

At least with nat, you'd know
the child would be walked.

It certainly would.

Do you know what I'm realizing?

We don't have so many friends.

I know.

Why is that? We used to
have friends, didn't we?

So where'd they go? We did.

Like selby. What the
hell happened to him?

Please don't call him.

All right. All right.

I think we both
know who it has to be.

Hey, mom, pop... Um...

You know the esteem
in which we hold you.

And... And at the
end of the day,

You two are as fine a couple
of people as we still talk to.

What is this?

What do you want?

Where is that dippy
girl with my soup?

Ok, ok. Um... What we want is

For you to be the
guardians of our child.

In case something should
ever happen to us, at least...

[Spitting] don't even
mention such a thing.

No, I know it's not the most
pleasant of prospects...

What's the matter with you,

Tempting the fates
with talk like that?

Stop it! Stop the talking!
Tempting the fates? We ju...

We're just trying
to protect ourselv...

Ww-ww-ww-ww-ww! Aa-aa-aa-aah!

What are you... Look
at yourselves there.

We just don't want our child
to be all alone in the world.

My god, cut it out!
What's wrong with you?

I will not have this
conversation! No...

[Spitting] if we die, we need...

In case, god forbid, someth...

Don't you dare [spitting]
say another word about it.

[Spitting]

She's so funny.

Well, this is the lesson.

A surprising number of
people, when the chips are down,

Cannot be relied upon.

When the chips are
up, fine. But otherwise...

Which is why you and i, we have to
cling to each other like monkeys.

What do we do now?

I don't know. We... We
approach total strangers.

Paul. All right,
how about this guy?

Excuse me, sir. Sir...

How would you like to be the
guardian of our forthcoming child?

I don't know
philadelphia. I don't know.

Proud of yourself now?

I took a sh*t.

[Car horns blaring]

What is this?

[Honking]

Right in front of our building.

I hope nothing
gruesome happened.

I think mrs. Kendle
went out naked again.

Jamie: excuse us.

Paul: excuse me.

Jamie: oh, my god.

Jamie! Over here!

♪ You must remember this ♪

♪ A kiss is just a kiss ♪

♪ A sigh is just a sigh ♪

Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi.

He's got a lot of
clothes, this kid.

♪ The fundamental things apply ♪

♪ As time goes by ♪

Bobby.

I understand. Heh.

♪ And when two lovers woo ♪

♪ They still say, I love you ♪

♪ On that you can rely ♪

Is this her?

Yes.

She's maybe a little
bit old for him.

Yeah, and a sit-up
wouldn't k*ll her.

Oh, but she's so beautiful.

This is a nice story.

♪ No matter what
the future brings ♪

♪ As time goes by ♪

Will you excuse
me for one minute?

Oh, sure.

I'm very happy for you.

Thank you.

Here's my advice:

Always get up from
the dinner table

Still wanting a
little something.

Thank you... So much.

All right, bobby. Knock it off.

♪ It's still the
same old story ♪

♪ A fight for love and glory ♪

I said knock it off.

[Band stops]

Bobby... Hi, jamie.
Listen to me... Hi.

Hey, where's your ring?

No, no, no. I had to take it
off because my fingers...

, , .

Were swelling.

♪ A case of do or die ♪

Bobby.

Jamie.

Bobby, you have to stop.

I do?

Yes. You do.

Y-you're very, very sweet.

You're a very
sweet person, but...

For one thing, I'm
much too old for you.

Jamie, I don't care about that.

Do you understand? Lyndon
johnson was president when I was born.

So?

There were
states in the union.

So?

The word for fire was "ga."

Jamie, I get it,
but I don't care.

That's very sweet,
bobby, and very flattering,

But, as you know, I'm married.

All: ohh!

Hiya. Uh, let me say hello.

I'm paul the husband.

All: ohh!

Hi, paul.

Bobby. I'm bobby.

And I'm in love with your wife.

All: ohh!

Ok, bobby, as you also know,

I'm pregnant, and I'm gonna
have a baby in about minutes.

All: ohh!!

Well, this sure turned ugly.

And, by the way, the baby:
also in large part due to me...

Paul the husband.

Bobby...

Jamie, I don't care
about any of that.

You're awesome.

And that's all that matters.

I'm disgusted.

Slut!

Sicko!

What are you hitting me for?

How can you let a
situation like this fester?

Tall man: I'm not really
comfortable here anymore.

Bobby... The
thing is... I'm taken.

Ok.

I'm sorry.

[Sighs] you know...
You know, the thing is

If we weren't just so
happily married... Believe me.

It's ok. I understand.

Pack it up, fellas.

All: aww.

God, this was so expensive.

What did you do?
'Cause I'm fascinated.

Did you hire the
whole band here?

Bobby, are you gonna be ok?

Yeah, you know, I'll
borrow from my dad.

No, I mean, are you
gonna be ok... Here?

What's the difference?

I mean, the problems
of little people

Don't amount to a hill of
beans in this crazy world.

Here's looking... Bobby.

I'm going, I'm going.

[as time goes by plays]

Why don't you ever
say stuff like that?

I do. I don't hire
a band, but I say it.

Debbie & joan: hi!

Oh, we were coming to see you.

What's up?

A little talking. Well,
we did some talking.

And we decided we're really
sorry about what happened before.

Very sorry.

A little stuff. We were
going through some stuff.

Big change. And we
changed our minds.

So we would like to be
your baby's guardians...

Very much. If
that's ok with you.

Oh, what, are you kidding?

It's extremely ok with us.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Oh, I'm so relieved. Joan,
thank you, thank you, thank you.

Fran: hi!

Hi. Hi.

Listen, mark and I
want to apologize.

Mark: we do! We really,
really, really do!

You know joan, don't you?

Yeah, one minute, one minute.

Just let me get this out.

Mark and I feel terrible.

And of course you
know paul's sister debbie.

We didn't know
what we were saying.

We were myopic is what we were.

Mark: totally myopic and crazy.

We are really, really sorry.

We would love to be
your child's guardian.

Boy, uh, what would be
the right thing to say now?

I just couldn't possibly
be more uncomfortable.

Hi! Hi!

If that plane leaves the ground

And you're not with
him, you'll regret it.

Maybe not today,
maybe not tomorrow,

But soon, and for
the rest of your life.

Ok, what plane?

Ursula... I've got a job to do,

And where I'm going,
you can't follow.

What I've got to do,
you can't be any part of.

Well, that's ok. I have
to work late anyway.

Well, here's
looking at you, kid.

Who's yukid?