02x05 - On the Road to Monte Carlo

[bunniefuu]

HENRY (voice over): When
we moved to New York,

we had a great
apartment that was cheap.

KIP (voice over):
And we found out why.

HENRY: Our friend Amy said

there was a great
apartment in her building...

KIP: Dirt cheap. But
it's a hotel for women.

Okay, we made one adjustment.

HENRY: Now these
other ladies know us

as Buffy and Hildegarde.

KIP: But they also know us

as Kip and Henry, Buffy
and Hildy's brothers.

I am, uh, crazy
about the blond, heh.

HENRY: This experience
is gonna make a great book.

KIP: See, it's all
perfectly normal.

(Stephanie Mills' "Shake
Me Loose" playing)

♪ I'd like to be J. Paul Getty ♪

♪ That gig Has got potential ♪

♪ But the only thing
That's essential ♪

♪ Is having a friend Like you ♪

♪ Well, you can try
To shake me loose ♪

♪ Don't try To shake me ♪

♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with me ♪
♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with ♪

♪ Oh, ohh ♪

♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Don't try to shake me ♪

♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Oh ♪

♪ You can tell me to go away ♪

♪ But it doesn't
matter What you say ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

( upbeat jazz theme playing)

Are you gonna tell me? No.

What happened between
you and Wanda? Nothing.

Aren't you gonna tell me? No.

I just wanna know
what happened. Nothing!

Gee whiz!

Look, the relationship

between a man and a woman

is a... Is a...
Is a sensitive...

Is a tender, private thing.

So you struck
out. Okay. Big deal.

I happen to respect celibacy,

as long as it ain't contagious.

I'll tell you what happened:

We got to her place,

she started pouring
sh*ts of tequila.

Six limes later, I'm
playing the castanets.

She's got these maracas...

BOTH (in high-pitched
voice): Hi, Bernice.

Give my best to that little
hamster of yours, okay?

Okay.

(normal voice):
Tailless little sewer rat.

When we last left our hero,

he was crossing south
of the border into...

(both scream)

(crashing)

(elevator dings)

Oh, my God! It's
Buffy and Hildy!

(all chattering indistinctly)

Okay, now I want
everybody to just stand back.

Just stand back, okay.

You, call the fire department.

You, call an ambulance.

You, call the
elevator repairman.

Just relax. I've got
everything under control.

They're gonna die!

Will you please calm
down? I'm a nurse.

Are you...? Are you two okay?

BOTH (in unison): No!

Is anything broken?

HENRY: The elevator.

Listen, don't worry.

I'm not gonna let
anything happen to you.

KIP: Well, you're a little late.

Nobody panic. I've seen
this kind of thing. I can help.

Oh, God bless you,
you tall, dark stranger.

Hi. I'm Doug Johnson,
attorney at law.

If you live, we got
a heck of a lawsuit.

What is wrong with you?

Excuse him.

This is a mind that
should have been wasted.

Will you just stop this
jawing and get to rescuing...

HENRY: Yeah.

Oh, I'm so cranky. Listen to me.

I'm sorry. It's been
a horrible day.

Listen, I have an
idea. ISABELLE: Okay.

Maybe we can all
push up on the ceiling

and give them room to crawl out.

Are you kidding?

This thing must weigh
hundreds of pounds.

Besides, do you know what
would happen if it collapsed?

Of course. They would
die a horrible death.

Nice bedside manner.

Listen, I'm gonna
call the paramedics.

ISABELLE: Good idea.

Okay, look, will
everybody just get back

and give 'em some room?

I mean, if you can't do
something constructive, then...

call the priest.

(groaning)

Boy,

and I always thought I'd die in
the arms of a beautiful woman.

Well, excuse me.

You're not exactly Miss
September, you know.

AMY: What is going on?

Excuse me. Excu...

Amy. Hi.

Look, I don't want you to panic.

Because there's really
nothing to worry about.

But the elevator crashed,
and Buffy and Hildy

are trapped inside.

Oh, my poor Henry!

Everybody, get outta my way!

Get outta my way!

Oh!

Would you get outta
Hildy's way? Oof!

Okay, everybody.

Hit the dirt!

(woman shrieks)

ISABELLE: Amy.

Amy, have you been working out?

Oh. Oh, what a rush!

My adrenaline would be
worth a fortune on the street.

Amy, you saved our lives.

Can we buy you breakfast?

Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah. Huh?

Fine, fine. Are you sure?

Sure, I'm just gonna need
a new pair of Underalls.

Oh, listen, I've got an
extra pair up in the room.

Okay. Come on.

BOTH (in unison):
Let's take the stairs.

Hey, what about breakfast?

( upbeat jazz theme playing)

KIP: Okay, Whiskers,
baby, work with me now.

Let me see anger.
Like, say, it's been weeks

since you got fresh litter.

Perfect.

Kip, I'm sorry.

This cat is not
right for the part.

All right, now, give me fear.

(barking)

HENRY: Excellent.

Henry, you know,
you're wasting our time.

I'm telling you,
the cat's wrong.

He's too... orange.

Cat bigot.

Nah, Ruth's right.

Ixnay on this ussypay.

You know, boys,

I wish you could be at least
as professional as the cat.

(Henry and Kip
making cat sounds)

I wanna thank you very
much, Mr. Whiskers.

I thought you were
excellent. Very subtle reading.

I enjoyed it very much indeed.

But we do have
some others to see,

so we'll be in touch
with your agent real soon.

Who's that? William
Morris, the cat?

Let me just go way,
way out on a limb, here.

Is it possible that you
boys are not taking

this diet cat food commercial
too terribly seriously?

Glorioski, Ruth,

we're auditioning
cats for Puss and Thin.

Listen, I happen to
have done the research.

There's a big market out there.

I mean, we can make bucks.

I have a feeling that, uh,

feline obesity is the number
two cat k*ller in America.

What's number one? Buicks?

That's front page news!

Midnight Star?

Don't you listen to
them. They're animals.

Ruth, I think you're
missing the sheer absurdity

and grand irony
of this situation.

This morning, Henry
and I were almost k*lled.

Darling, I understand
that, and I'm sympathetic,

but look, heh, work goes on.

Well, I'm sure it does, Ruth,

but an elevator
just came this close

to ending our lives, you know.

I just can't shake it off.

You know, it makes
me kinda want to...

look inward.

No kiddin'?

Makes me wanna go out and break

commandments three,
six, seven and 11.

You know, Kip, old buddy,

there's just... Just
so many questions

I've never asked.

And so many things
I've never done.

I've never run with
the bulls at Pamplona.

What makes them run?

Why are they in a hurry?

I've never hobnobbed
with the hoi polloi.

Who are the polloi, and
what makes them so hoi?

I never sang for my father.

Who writes the...?

The songs that make
the whole world sing?

Why does Barry
Manilow sing them?

Pansy, do you suppose
that they're having

what's called an
"acid flashback"?

Boys, look, if you're
not gonna do any work,

there's hardly any point
in your even being here.

You are absolutely right, Ruth!

Henry, there is a jungle land

of things to do out there
on those back streets.

They're... They're
teeming with wild adventure

and sensating with
wild... sensations. Hah!

Bubbling with oils and juices

the likes of which this
body has never known.

I'm gonna get naked
on a cross-town bus.

You wanna come?

No, it's not for me, my friend.

Mine is a different path.

I'm going on a journey
to the center of my soul.

Well, pack a lunch, grasshopper.

Woo-hoo!

Kip, you've got
cats to audition.

I wouldn't worry
about him. That boy.

If you'll excuse me, I
go in search of truth.

In search of meaning.

In search of Leonard Nimoy.

Bus driver, he's naked
for a very good reason!

(chanting): Om.

Om.

Henry, I have a
rare eye disease.

I can't see any furniture.

Worry not, my wandering sheep.

I put all the furniture
in the bathroom.

Om.

Well, how do you use it?

I don't. I've been
fasting for three days.

Well, how long have
you been sitting there?

O... About a day or two.

Oh, that incense reminds
me of my sister's wedding.

(coughs)

Kip, what are you trying to
do, ruin my meditation here?

What happened to you?

I don't know.

But I think I'm the middleweight
champ of the Holy Roman Empire.

Who'd you b*at, Leonius Spinkus?

Yeah, with a TKO in round IX.

Kip, buddy, help
me up here, will ya?

I think my legs have become
one with the cosmic charley horse.

Maybe you should
have tried to become one

with a tube of Bengay.

Okay, up. Oh!

Is this as far as
you can go? Yeah.

Well, all right, let's
walk it out. One...

Ready, and... turn!

Oh.

Boy, Kip, I-I wish
you could have shared

the last three days
with me, you know?

Walk, walk, walk.

Boy, I went to temple,

went to confession,
I used your name.

No kiddin'?

I delved in all the Eastern
philosophies, you know,

and then I went
out to the airport

and I bugged people for money.

Right. Turn.

Well...

I had some pretty enlightening
experiences of my own.

Oh, yeah? Turn. Yeah.

Snuck into Yankee Stadium, sat
in the dugout and ran the bases.

Then I jumped up
on stage at Radio City

and did a high-kick number
with the Rockettes. Turn.

You're kidding. How'd
you manage that?

Well, it's easy once
you get the timing.

It's just sort of a
one, two, three, kick,

and kick and up and
kick and... Oh, oh!

Skipper, Skipper,
my leg's stiff.

Oh, I'm sorry, little Buddha.

Walk it off.

And turn. Whoa.

Oh, yeah... Oh,
somewhere in there

I met the girl who starred in
The Stewardess and the Duck.

But did your travels
teach you anything?

You didn't hear me.

I met the girl who starred in
The Stewardess and the Duck.

Ready? Turn.

(knocking on door)

BOTH (in high-pitched
voice): Who is it?

ISABELLE: It's Isabelle.

Oh, hold on.

(grunts)

Ah. Hi!

I got registered
mail for Kip Wilson.

Hm.

I was just starting to get
used to you two in dresses.

(chanting): Om.

Hey, Henry.

Since you've, uh, gone
through this change,

this metamorphosis, um...

Does that mean material things
have no worth to you anymore?

Bupkes. Om.

There's nothing
you would want from,

say, the Spiegel catalog,
Chicago, Illinois, 60609?

Zilch. Om.

Well, I guess I'm
gonna have to find

some way of spending
this money myself.

We got a settlement
from the elevator company.

Twenty-five hundred
bucks apiece.

Om.

( upbeat jazz theme playing)

(all speaking indistinctly)

If there's anything... If
there's anything I've learned

from my little brush with death,

it's that you've gotta live
life as if there's no tomorrow.

Well, now if there's
anything that I've learned

from this little
elevator trip of ours,

it's that there's no
way anyone can count

on being here tomorrow.

(scoffs)

(sarcastically): What a fun guy.

Well, if I was
gonna die tomorrow,

I know what I'd
be doin' tonight.

Ooh. Ooh, hubba-hubba.

Va-va-va-voom!

You scuzzbuckets.

I meant I would rent
out Carnegie Hall

and invite all my
friends to hear me sing.

I would give everything
I own to charity.

To help my fellow man.

ALL: Aww.

Now that is a
beautiful sentiment.

Or I'd party my brains out
in Tahiti. Oh, yes, I would.

An even more
beautiful sentiment.

That reminds me, Amy and
I are partying this weekend

with her parents
in Hoboken. Yay!

And on the off chance
that there is a tomorrow,

we still haven't
finished our laundry.

Oh, you're right.

I would hate to face
death on Saturday

wearing underwear
that says Wednesday.

Buh-bye.

SONNY: Bye, have
a great weekend.

Thanks. HENRY: See you tomorrow.

Uh, well... So, what
would you boys do?

Whatever it is we'd
do, it'd have to be...

as big as breaking the
bank at Monte Carlo.

No, Kip, we can't
go to Monte Carlo.

The point is,
we can't afford it.

Yes, we can. We got
five thousand bucks.

Elevator-go-boom checks.

You've got a mind
like Corn Chex.

Sonny, are you up for
a jaunt to Monte Carlo?

Hey, Tahiti, Monte
Carlo, a party's a party.

We wouldn't.

We would!

We couldn't.

We could!

We shouldn't.

We should.

HENRY: We can't.

KIP: We are.

HENRY: Did you
leave the hot plate on?

( upbeat jazz theme playing)

(speaking in French)

Ah, yes, Monte Carlo again.

It's... good to be back.

Kip, this is so wonderful.

I mean, look. No
one has my dress on.

Mm-hm, yes, you do look
lovely, my dear, lovely.

I say, didn't we meet at
the yacht races in Madrid?

No, well, my mistake.

Shall we, Reginald? Cecily?

Good evening. I am
Monsieur Maurice.

May I be of some assistance?

I'm sure you can, Maurice.

We were just in
the neighborhood.

Thought we'd drop in for
a little baccarat, roulette,

chemin de fer, craps.

Yes, Maurice,

if you can direct me
to the nearest cashier,

I'd like to rid myself of some
excess pocket change, say,

$2000 worth of chips?

Oh, very good, monsieur.
I can take care of that.

(counting in French)

(Sonny giggles nervously)

Four chips?

That's two more
than we expected.

Bon chance, monsieur.

Thank you. Oh, and please,

get the kids some
frog legs on moi.

Merci beaucoup, monsieur.

Kip, that was
a fifty-dollar bill.

Hey, frog legs don't come cheap.

Besides, Sonny, maintain,

maintain, just
a day in the life.

Kip, I'm trying to
maintain, maintain,

but Lawrence of Arabia
just bet a half a mil.

Whoa! (wheel ticking)

(speaking in French)

No winners.

Pesky little game, isn't it?

Not to worry.

Wait till you see the price
of unleaded next week.

Well, the wheel has proven
to be a worthy adversary.

What say we take
her out for a spin, eh?

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
conference, s'il vous plait.

You gonna bet
that entire chip, Kip?

We came to Monte
Carlo to break the bank.

But, Kip, this
chip is worth $500!

Well, I'm sorry. I don't
have anything smaller.

Why don't we just
buy some Krugerrands

and play the slot
machines, you know?

Bon soir.

Perhaps you heard of me.

I'm lady luck.

Kip, I need my hands free.

Bet this, won't you?

Shall we, my sweet?

Yes, darling.

(speaking in French)

Oh.

Call me Madeline.

Call me Henri.

Now, Sonny,
there's a real science

to winning at this game.

What's your lucky number?

Oh, Kip, I don't want
this responsibility.

Are you kidding?

I've never played
this game before.

Four it is.

Come on four!

SONNY: Come on four!

Come on!

(speaks in French)

MAN: You win!

This certainly beats
dabbling in commodities, eh?

Kip.

Let it ride.

Ride it is.

I'm guessing you are lady luck.

No, I'm the lucky one.

I'm with you, Henri.

(speaks in French)

You win again, monsieur!

Ooh, I love that new royal cut.

Ah, why isn't everybody
comfortably wealthy?

This game's starting to bore us.

Maybe blackjack will wake us up.

And for your trouble.

Happy Bastille Day.

Is that...?

Nah. Nah.

It is.

Wow!

All right, blackjack it is.

What say we make our move, huh?

Kip, excuse me for a second.

Sure, sure.

Henry, will you excuse
us for a moment?

(French accent): I'll
count the seconds.

Thank you.

Madeline, I don't mean to pry,

but what exactly do
you do for a living?

Uh, I am a very
good, uh, company.

Ah, I must have missed
that booth on career day.

I got 19. Do you
think we got 'em b*at?

I think he's got 20.

I... feel a two.

My partner feels a two.

Hit me.

If you insist, monsieur.

(crowd gasps)

What again?

Oh, this game is too simple.

Perhaps roulette would
provide more of a challenge.

Let's hope so.

(clears throat)

Oh, now, I'm sorry, ladies,
we're already spoken for.

Perhaps we'll see you in Nice.

That would be nice.

Did you miss me, darling?

Does a duck quack up?

(speaking French)

We think alike.

Ah, yes, the roulette wheel.

Indeed, the
breaking of the bank.

We got 10,000 of the
casino's bucks here, Henry.

To get the feel of the
wheel, let's make an even bet.

We'll put half our money on
red, half our money on black.

That's a good idea. Good idea.

Um, excuse me, monsieur.

Um, what is the
limit of this table?

The maximum bet is $1000.

We'd like it raised to five.

The maximum bet is now $5000.

Uh, would you like someone

to bring you a bottle
of Dom Perignon?

Yeah, if that's all you have.

Right away, monsieur.

(speaking French)

Five thousand...

black. KIP: Five thousand, red.

Does anyone know if it
stopped raining in St. Tropez?

Kip, when we get
back to New York,

we've gotta call Rod,
Mick and Brooke.

We owe them a meal.

MAN: Zero.

KIP: Ha ha, zero.

Wait. Is that red
zero or black zero?

The green zero.

I'm afraid you lose, messieurs.

(Sonny sighs)

No.

Well, ahem, thank you so much.

Well, that's it.

Yeah, so it goes.

Easy come, easy go.

Oh, guys, I... I feel terrible.

Don't.

You just lost all
that money, Kip.

Yeah, well, Sonny,

24 hours ago we didn't
even have the money.

We won't miss it.

But you just flew 5000
miles to lose $10,000

in ten minutes?

That's exactly right.

Isn't that great?

No!

Sonny, we've done what
we've always dreamed of doing.

How many people can say that?

Winning would have been
nice, but it wasn't the point.

If tomorrow doesn't
come, we've been here.

You know what I think,

I think this has been the
greatest night of my life.

Mine too, old boy.

Oh, Kip, we're in Monte Carlo.

The moon is out.

Why don't we check
out the Mediterranean?

Okay.

Whoa, wait a minute.

I got a $100 chip left here.

(laughs)

Hey, Maurice. Mm?

Live it up, huh?

Thanks very much.

We had a wonderful time.

Merci beaucoup, monsieur.

Bon soir.

( upbeat jazz theme playing)

Oh, there's Sonny
on the French Riviera.

Mm-hm.

Sonny in a French taxi.

There's Sonny
eating French toast.

Where's me and Madeline?

Well, I'd... I guess
you'd be right about here:

(both laughing)

She never came
out of the kitchen.

Hi, guys!

Hey, what an incredible weekend.

Honeys, Hoboken is hot!

We went to the opening of a
brand-new shopping mall there.

We both won a free eye checkup.

Guys do anything exciting?

Well, just same
old, same old, really.

Jetted off to Monte
Carlo for the weekend.

Yeah, dropped ten
grand in a casino.

You guys do not have to make
up a story because you're jealous.

I'll just call my mom in Hoboken
and we'll go next weekend.

Yeah, that's a good idea. Night.

Gosh, do you think we could?

You only live once.

BOTH (in unison):
Let's take the stairs.

There's one of you.
See that little green spot?

( upbeat jazz theme playing)