02x11 - Cablevision

[bunniefuu]

HENRY (voice-over): When
we moved to New York,

we had a cheap apartment.

KIP (voice-over):
And we found out why.

HENRY: Our friend Amy said

there was a great
apartment in her building.

KIP: Dirt cheap. But
it's a hotel for women.

Okay, we made one adjustment.

HENRY: Now these
other ladies know us

as Buffy and Hildegarde.

KIP: But they also know
us as Kip and Henry,

Buffy and Hildy's brothers.

I am, uh, crazy
about the blond, heh.

HENRY: This experience
is gonna make a great book.

KIP: See, it's all
perfectly normal.

(Stephanie Mills' "Shake
Me Loose" playing)

♪ I'd like to be J. Paul Getty ♪

♪ That gig Has got potential ♪

♪ But the only thing
That's essential ♪

♪ Is having a friend Like you ♪

♪ Well, you can try
To shake me loose ♪

♪ Don't try To shake me ♪

♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with me ♪

♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with ♪

♪ Oh, ooh... ♪

♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Don't try to shake me ♪

♪ And you can leave
If you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Oh ♪

♪ You can tell me to go away ♪

♪ But it doesn't
matter What you say ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

( upbeat theme playing)

We've got the equipment.

We can tape and sh**t
all this stuff right here.

I'm sorry. I'm... I'm sorry.

I've made my decision.

I'm dropping you.

Oh, no.

Mr. Silverman, if
you have a problem

with our work,
we can discuss it.

We... We can work it out.

W-w-we're all adults here.

(whining): Please, let us
keep the account. Please.

See, there's nothing in TV
that I like to be associated with.

There's nothing I would
like to lend the fine name

of Silverman's Rat
Control to. Heh-heh.

Not even Rat Patrol?

No. No, I've... I've
made up my mind.

Silverman's Rat Control is out

of the television
advertising business.

Heh-ho-ho. This is just great.

I've got a 6-foot
Styrofoam Swiss cheese

waiting in the back.
SILVERMAN: Oh. Well...

maybe you can find
a fondue account.

But as for me,

I want in television
something fun.

Something light.

With dancing and singing,

human interest, warmth.

You want a rat telethon?

Mr. Silverman, uh...

Uh, what if we could find
that type of programming?

Would you be interested
in keeping your advertising

on television?

Well, uh, it's... I guess so.

I had never thought, uh...

I'll tell you what.

We'll... We'll do
it... all by ourselves.

That's an idea,
Henry. That is an idea.

We could do it on cable!

HENRY: Right. We
could do it on cable.

You could write
it, I'll direct it.

Amy will serve
coffee. It's perfect.

You can take a look at
it, and if you like it, then...

Then you could...
You could sponsor it.

Well... I don't know. I...

I'll tell you what.
We'll also...

SILVERMAN: Yes?

Pay for it... by ourselves.

Yeah. We'll pay
f... (mouths): What?

Sure, we'll put up all the
money ourselves. Cable's cheap.

Uh... What do you
say, Mr. Silverman?

I smell a rat.

You don't like the idea?

No, as a matter of fact
I do like the idea, but...

(sniffs)

I do smell a rat.

What do rats smell like?

A rat? When was
the last time you had

your attic cleaned out?

Well, we had you
guys in... There's a rat?

Get it out of here!

Get it out of here!

( upbeat jazz theme
playing) Where is it?

Open that.

(all talking indistinctly)

Let's do it. Let's k*ll it.

Let's nail it!

Get it. All right.

Will you guys shut up?

Last time I hire jazz musicians.

Ruth, where is Penny Marshall?

Where is a celebrity
you promised me?

Kip, calm down. The woman
has to come all the way

from the 60s. Do
this one. Do this one.

Was it ever like this
on Mike Douglas, guys?

What...? Okay. Where
is my cameraperson?

Amy!

Is there a problem?

My cameraperson is
dressed like Big Bird.

It's my lucky dress.

I told you, you are not doing
that Latin number in this show.

What Latin number?

Kip, we are starting in
less than 10 seconds.

I suggest you get ready.

All right! Places, everybody!

I wanted to say
that. All right...

KIP AND AMY:
Five, four, three, two...

Action!

(playing "New York, New York")

Good evening.

And welcome to
the world premiere

of an exciting new show

coming to you
live from New York.

Yes, it's time for
Bite the Big Apple.

(Henry laughs)

Mm.

(muffled): And
without further ado,

I'd like to introduce
you to Kip Wilson.

Yeah. Yeah, that's Kip Wilson.

Kip Wilson. I said that.

Yeah, I know. Kip
Wilson. And that's me.

Hey. Welcome to Bite
the Big Apple. Huh?

And isn't that an
incredible concept?

And she didn't she
really bite the big apple?

(laughing)

I can sell these
jokes to Rip Taylor.

So here we are, and we're...

You've got your headset on.

I know.

Dummy.

This... is one of the things

that can happen
on live television.

That's right.

We are live right here on
the Astro cable network.

Now I know a lot of you
at home are thinking...

What's my line?

(in unison): What is cable?

"What is cable?" a lot of
you are thinking at home.

Now where is this cable?

I've never seen the cable.
What are they talking about?

Well, if I can get my, uh,

cameraperson, Feather
Top, to tilt down just a little bit,

I'll show you.

This is a cable right here. Ha.

Pretty little thing, isn't it?

Now, working with
cable, you have

to be very careful
not to do this...

(very slowly): or
else everything

slows down.

But we're not gonna let that
happen tonight. No, sirree.

Well, this is enough of
the introduction corner

of Bite the Big Apple.

We're gonna be moving on now

to "Art Corner," for all
you art cable viewers.

And I know there's
thousands of you.

We're gonna bring out
our resident critic-at-large,

Mr. Henry Desmond.

Henry. (piano plays bouncy tune)

Hi.

Theater lovers?

Patrons of the arts?

You know... I am too.

Last night, I went to the
Bronx Theater Arts' production

of Get Off My Back, Ma,

I've Got a Problem
There Already.

Well... you know, a
good theatrical production

has three key elements:

director... (piano playing)

actor... and play.

I saw very little unity

evident in these
elements last night.

You know, the female
lead showed me nothing.

Well, the rest of the cast, uh,

just sort of scattered
about the stage

without any real sense
of purpose or direction.

You... You couldn't follow 'em.

(laughs)

Now... I really hold
accountable for that the director,

who is just guilty of trying
to do too much all at once,

with the end result being a
mishmash of plot and cue.

You just couldn't
follow anything.

There was no rhyme or reason.

(crash)

Everybody's a critic. Heh-heh.

Okay, well...

What happened to the
old theatrical values of

of rhythm... (piano playing)

pace... energy... and flow.

Hi, I'm Flo. Kiss my grits.

Whatever happened to
the old-fashioned notion

of a big finish.

(piano playing upbeat music)

Well...

I don't want to be
a complete downer.

The seats were good. And by
that I mean there was no gum.

The orange drink was cold,
and they had Jordan almonds,

which I love, but let's face it.

On a scale of one to
ten, I'd have to give this...

a one.

Thank you very much.

Next week, I'll review
Twelve Chairs...

while juggling... four chairs.

And I'll also be reviewing...

"Five Easy Pieces" while...
All right, thank you. Very nice.

Remember, live
television, folks.

Who knows what can happen.

Who knows what can... go wrong.

Thank you. Thank
you very much, Henry.

Okay. Where are we now?

"Cohost Corner," Kip. You live.

Right.

Aah. Heh.

Well, now it's time
for "Cohost Corner."

As with most cohosts,

I really have nothing
of any real value to say.

(whispers): So get off.

Something tells me it's time

for "Celebrity Corner" with
your very own Kip Wilson.

Take it, Kip.

Thank you. Thank you.

Gosh, do you have
to leave so soon?

Sonny Lumet,
ladies and gentlemen,

my beautiful cohost,

as well as being
my main squeeze.

Well... uh... on...
"Brity Corne..."

"Brity..." "Celebrity Corner."

Tonight we have a
very, very special guest.

Now, you know her as Laverne

of the hit TV show
Laverne and Shirley.

Now she's been dying
to do the show really,

ever since, uh, we
made it up four days ago.

So without any further ado,

let's bring out, right now,

to meet you personally up close

Penny "Laverne" Marshall.

Let's hear it for her.

(applauds)

Hey, Penny.

This is great. It's
great to see you.

It's great to have
you here, Penny.

Where is Penny?
Where is Miss Marshall?

Where is Miss Superstar, huh?

I bet if we had Shirley,
she'd be here on time.

Bet you dollars
to donuts on that.

What? No. No what?

No... No change. You
need some money?

No... No... (coin
clinks) No Penny.

Did he... Did I...

Did I say "Celebrity Corner?"

Ha, or "Brity Corne..." Uh,
what I meant to say was

this is "Mercial Corne"
or "Commercial Corner."

We'll be right back after
this word from our sponsor.

We don't have any commercials.

Okay, we're back.

No sponsors, no commercials.

It only... Only goes to show...

Well, I think now would prob...

Thank you. Hit it, Rosie.

(playing "New York, New York")

Well, you folks at home, you...

You know the words to this one.

Sing along with me.

Just following
the bouncing ball.

♪ Start spreading the news ♪

♪ I'm leaving today ♪

KIP (over TV): ♪ I
want to be a part of it ♪

Isn't this great? Isn't
show business great?

Can you feel the excitement
out there, huh? The electricity?

If I wanted electricity,
I could stick my finger

in a light socket.

(speaks indistinctly)

Where's Penny Marshall?

♪ And dance
around With all of it ♪

♪ New York, New York ♪

♪ It's up to you ♪

♪ New York, New York ♪

Thank you, thank you.
You're a beautiful audience.

Yes.

Thank you, Kip, for
that brilliant satire.

(grunts)

Now it's time for
"Crooner's Corner."

(soft piano plays)

Tonight's talent spotlight falls

on a beautiful lady...

with a beautiful voice.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Isabelle Hammond.

(piano playing Quincy
Jones' "Just Once")

♪ I did my best ♪

♪ But I guess my best
Wasn't good enough ♪

♪ 'Cause here we are ♪

♪ Back where we were before ♪

♪ Seems nothing ever changes ♪

♪ We're back To
being strangers ♪

♪ Wondering if
we ought To stay ♪

♪ Or head on out the door ♪

♪ Just once ♪

♪ Can we find a way
To finally make it right ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ To make the magic last ♪

♪ For more than just one night ♪

♪ I know we could
Break through it ♪

♪ If we could just Get to it ♪

♪ Just once ♪

♪ I want to understand ♪

♪ Why it always comes back ♪

♪ To goodbye ♪

♪ Why can't we Get
ourselves in hand ♪

♪ And admit to one another ♪

♪ We're no good
Without each other ♪

♪ Take the best
And make it better ♪

♪ Find a way to stay together ♪

♪ Just once ♪

♪ Can we find a way
To finally make it right ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ To make the magic last ♪

♪ For more than just one night ♪

♪ I know we could
Break through it ♪

♪ If we could just get to it ♪

♪ Just once ♪

♪ Just once ♪

(applause)

(whispers): Now what? Now what?

What now?

Introduce Amy. No. No.

Introduce Ruth.

Introduce Amy.

You're not going to...

(whispering indistinctly)

Okay. Well, right now I'm gonna

introduce whoever shows up.

(French music playing)

Bon soir. Bon soir.

I am, of course, the divine

Miss, ah... (snaps)

Ruth Dunbar...

welcoming you to
"Cooking Corner."

(chuckles)

Tonight's segment is entitled...

"The Seductive Gourmet."

And I'm, of course...

a novice to neither
seduction... nor...

seducing gourmets.

(laughs)

(French accent) Pardon.
Une petite one-liner.

(laughs)

Uh, tonight's création...

is oyster and caviar
crepes à la ménage à trois.

(normal voice):
Which, of course...

is a recipe which serves three.

Now, you will require...
one dozen oysters.

Look at them. Aren't
they just screaming,

"Shuck me, shuck me?"

(chuckles)

Thank you, Ed.

Now... we want
to put them aside...

with a modest jar
of beluga caviar.

Yes, fine... Thank you so much.

If you are a smart shopper,

you'll be able to find this

for something under $300.

Now... there are two
ways to make crepes.

One is to use a cookbook,

and the other is
to call your caterer.

And I certainly
prefer the latter.

Now, there were some crepes
that I wanted to show you. Uh...

HENRY: There are no crepes.

There are no crepes?
Now, why might that be?

The band went
outside for five minutes.

When they came back,
they were real hungry.

Oh.

Oh, well, of course, boys.

I can understand that.

I mean... who can
resist a good crepe?

Now, you also will want a bottle

of chilled Merceaux.

I'm sorry, Ruth. We're
running low on time.

We gotta cut you.

I am... (speaks indistinctly)

I'm in the middle...

All right. Ha. All right. Good
night from Ruth Dunbar.

You know, some folks say

that the way to a man's heart

is through his stomach.

But remember, ladies...

that's the long way.

(indistinct speech)

(imitating Rod Serling): Three
people in search of a sketch.

What you are about to
see is 25 years' journey

through prime-time television.

That lamp post just
behind me, our next stop:

Prime-time Zone.

(imitates Ozzie): Ha-ha-ha,
hi, ha, honey. I'm home.

(imitates Harriet):
Oh, hi, Ozzie.

Hi-hi, Harriet. Hi, Ricky.

H-hi, David.

(imitates David Nelson):
Nice sweater, Dad.

(imitates Eddie): Nice sweater
you have on, Mrs. Cleaver.

(imitates Mrs. Cleaver):
Thank you, Eddie. Hi, Beaver.

(imitating Beaver):
Hi, Mom. Hi, Wally.

(imitating Wally): Quit
using my comb, you runt.

(imitating Lucy): Hi, Ricky.

(imitating Ricky
Ricardo): Lucy, I told you

you can't be in the show.

(chuckles)

It may not be
Masterpiece Theatre,

but I'll make
their lives rat-free

if they deliver Penny
Marshall. And, uh...

(imitates Mary Tyler
Moore): Oh, Mr. Grant.

(imitates Jack
Tripper): Oh, Chrissy.

(imitates Jack
Benny): Oh, Rochester.

(imitates Edith): Oh, Archie.

(imitates Archie):
Oh, Edith, you dingbat.

(imitates George):
Say good night, Gracie.

(imitates Gracie):
Good night, Gracie.

(imitates Brinkley):
Good night, Chet.

(imitates Huntley):
Good night, David.

(Mrs. Walton): Good
night, John Boy.

(imitates Ed Sullivan):
Good night, America.

And especially, Topo Gigio.

(piano playing "The
Star-Spangled Banner")

ALL: ♪ Home of the brave ♪

(makes jet engine noises)

(all humming tone)

(chuckles)

Yes. And now, it's
back to your host...

Kip Wilson.

KIP: Oh. Take it Kip, please.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you, beautiful
main squeeze.

So... uh, beautiful cohost.

Um, well... And thanks to...

Penny Marshall not showing up,

we have about
five minutes to k*ll.

So why don't we go back

to "Crooner's Corner"

for more of the
beautiful song stylings

of Isabelle Hammond. (chatter)

ISABELLE: Wait
a... Say what? Uh...

No, honey. It does
not work like that.

I am not working in my bathrobe.

Hi, there.

And now it's time for
"Amy Cassidy Corner."

Hit it, boys.

(traditional Mexican
music playing)

Hit it again, boys!

♪ Tall and slender
Like an apollo ♪

♪ He goes walking by ♪

♪ And I have to follow
him The boy from ♪

♪ Tacarembo la Tumbe del
Fuego Santa Malipas Zacatecas ♪

♪ La Junta del Sol y Cruz ♪

♪ When we meet
I feel I'm on fire ♪

♪ And I'm breathless ♪

♪ Every time I inquire
How are things in ♪

♪ Tacarembo la Tumbe del
Fuego Santa Milipas Zacatecas ♪

♪ La Junta del Sol y Cruz ♪

♪ Why is he acting So clannish ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh
Ooh, ooh, ohh, ooh ♪

♪ Why, when I speak
Does he vanish ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Because I ♪

♪ Wish I understood Spanish ♪

♪ When I tell him I
think he's the end ♪

♪ He giggles a
lot With his friend ♪

(yelps)

Ai, ai, ai.

♪ Why are His
trousers vermillion ♪

♪ His trousers Are vermillion ♪

Ha-ha. I can't believe
these wonderful kids.

Look what they're doing for me.

Singing, dancing, comedy.

God bless them.

I still don't want
the show though.

Huh. Poor kids. Six
hundred bucks of their money

right down the old rat hole.

Hope you got paid up front.

♪ Tomorrow he sails ♪

♪ He's moving to ♪

♪ Wales ♪

♪ To live in ♪

♪ Llan-fair-pwll-
Gwyn-gyll-go-ger ♪

♪ Ych-wyrn-dro-bull ♪

♪ Llan-dy-si-li-o-go-go-goch ♪

♪ Och ♪

(applause)

Let's hear it for my
own personal discovery.

Amy Cassidy,
ladies and gentlemen.

What a Latin number, huh?

(knocking on door)

Well... golly, if
this was the, uh...

The Dean Martin Show, we'd
probably have Frank Sinatra

behind that door, so...

let's go find out
who's behind this door.

(imitates Dean Martin): ♪ Everybody
loves Somebody sometime ♪

Holy cow. It's "Kinky
Corner." What...

Why, it's Penny Marshall,

ladies and gentlemen.

Penny Marshall.

Wow. Hey. Heh.

You look... You look great.

Beautiful tan, huh?

(Henry giggles)

Enough chitchat.
Let's get rolling.

Whoa, jeez. I'm sorry.

Why don't you put
her over here, all right?

Down, down, down, down, down.

Hey, Kip. Look.
(yells indistinctly)

Towards us please.
Foc... On us, all right?

Get to us. Well, get
back, back, back, back!

Sonny, Sonny, Sonny. Hold it!

Stop! Right there! Fine.

Here we are in
"Celebrity Corner."

And boy, she's fast,
she's furious, she's funny.

She's finally here.

Penny "Laverne" Marshall,
ladies and gentleman.

So... Penny, how
are things, huh?

(muffled mumbling)
Oh. I'm... I'm sorry.

You know. Heh. (spits)

You, uh... I'm sorry.

Who am I to judge
you Hollywood people.

You know, that's...
That's very nice.

Yeah. Wh-why did that,
uh, little girl tie me up?

KIP: Well, she's, uh...

She's an escaped mental patient.

You can sort of tell by the...

By the way she's dressed.

So, tell me, Penny...

is it true that you and
Shirley hate each other?

Why don't you be nice?

I mean, I am here as a
favor to Ruth. Mm-hm.

I'm in New York on a
week off from my show.

And doing a situation
comedy can be murderous,

even if you are part
of a team. Mm-hm.

But, you wouldn't know
anything about that, would you?

Mm-hm, hm-hm, hm-hm.

Mm-hm. Mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm.

So... (sniffles)

Um... It's... I'm
getting rope burns,

and I have to go to the
bathroom, so could, uh...

Boy, you are a
temperamental one, aren't you?

Could you untie me?
We don't have a lot...

Of time for that, Pen.

I'm sor... Can I call you Pen?

No. Uh, is this like a
cult show or something?

(laughing)

A cult show. You know,

you are funny all by yourself.

Tell me something.

Just how much money do
you make a week? (sighs)

You're real new
at this, aren't you?

Well, listen, I'm sorry,
we're all out of time.

Thanks for coming. And
what a sport she is, huh?

Wasn't it great to
see Penny Marshall?

Listen, stay tuned, because next

on the Astro cable network,

we have Jeff's Show coming up.

Tonight, Jeff is gonna show
us all the wonder in his garage.

So this is Kip Wilson,
for Bite the Big Apple,

saying, thanks a lot for
tuning in, New Yorkers.

Stay crazy. We
love you. Bye-bye.

Good night. Yeah, great ad lib.

Where the hell were you?

Yeah, we still have
time to do that little tribute

we planned to Miss
Marshall. All right, kids!

Great. Come on, everybody.
You're gonna love this.

This is gonna be fabulous.

( Laverne and Shirley
theme song playing)

ALL: ♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ And make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you ♪

Bite the Big Apple was filmed

before a live studio audience.

(yelps)

(all yelling, chattering)

Hey. Excuse me.

Didn't you forget something?

Oh yeah. Gee.

All right, I'm buying
pizza, everybody.

So that's it.

Bite the Big Apple
bites the big one.

And our first
venture into television

is a complete loss
and total failure.

Well, look, it may
have been a failure,

but it was not a total loss.

There's always... a
lesson to be learned.

How about the TV show itself?

Now... if we want
it... all we've got to do

is just keep on plugging,
and we'll get it someday.

Naw. Little Engine That Could.

Well, damn. There's got to be
something we learn from this.

I know. Hey.

When the going gets tough,

the tough get going.

I never liked that one. No.

Me neither. Heh.

Look before you leap?

Well... don't count
your chickens. (laughs)

Red sky at night,
sailor's delight.

I didn't know that one.

Aha!

( upbeat jazz theme playing)