HENRY (voice-over): When
we moved to New York,
we had a great
apartment that was cheap.
KIP (voice-over):
And we found out why.
HENRY: Our friend Amy said
there was a great
apartment in her building.
KIP: Dirt cheap. But
it's a hotel for women.
Okay, we made one adjustment.
HENRY: Now these other ladies
know us as Buffy and Hildegarde.
KIP: But they also know us
as Kip and Henry, Buffy
and Hildy's brothers.
I am, uh, crazy
about the blond, heh.
HENRY: This experience
is gonna make a great book.
KIP: See, it's all
perfectly normal.
(Stephanie Mills' "Shake
Me Loose" playing)
♪ I'd like to be J. Paul Getty ♪
♪ That gig Has got potential ♪
♪ But the only thing
That's essential ♪
♪ Is having a friend Like you ♪
♪ Well, you can try
To shake me loose ♪
♪ Don't try To shake me ♪
♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪
♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪
♪ It ain't any use ♪
♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪
♪ I'm stickin' around ♪
♪ You're stuck with me ♪
♪ I'm stickin' around ♪
♪ You're stuck with ♪
♪ Oh, ooh... ♪
♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Don't try to shake me ♪
♪ And you can leave
If you got a mind to ♪
♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪
♪ It ain't any use ♪
♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪
♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ You can tell me to go away ♪
♪ But it doesn't
matter What you say ♪
♪ It ain't any use ♪
♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪
( funky theme playing)
All right, mes enfants, I'm
down to the first knuckle.
Let's see what you've got.
Let's see this
breakthrough commercial.
(blows) KIP: All right. Okay.
ALL: Five, four, three, two...
Huh! Get it.
Huh! New wave!
Huh! Get it!
BOTH: Huh! Punk out!
Huh! Get it!
Huh! Tattoo!
Huh! Get it!
Huh! Green hair!
Huh! Get it!
Huh! Get it!
ALL: Get it! Get it!
AMY: Get it! Get it!
Huh.
Howdy, punkers.
I bet you're saying,
"Hey. He looks sharp."
And I bet you're asking:
"Hey... where can
I get high-quality
new-wave supplies
at discount prices?"
Well, come on down to Sy's...
House of New Wave Supplies.
Ooh. That's a nice lining.
Excuse me, Mr. Slash.
But I'm into safety
pins in my ears
and chains for my nose.
Can Sy help me out?
(in unison): Ha,
ha, ha. You bet.
Why, Sy has a whole
department. It's called:
Things You Can
Stick in Your Face.
For the gets,
portlies and juniors.
So come on down to Sy's
House of New Wave Supplies,
formerly Sy's House
of... Disco Supplies.
Yeah, come on down.
You won't be sorry.
You'll literally
k*ll your folks.
ALL: Get it. Get it.
Get it. Get it.
Get it!
Keep it. You mean
to tell me I used up
an entire sick day
just to see this?
That's right. What
did you think?
I...
It makes me fear for
the future of civilization.
Great, we did our job.
Hold it. Hold it,
gentlemen. And you.
Let me give you some advice.
Ah! Move it!
You never let me
give advice anymore.
(in unison): We hate advice!
How do you know?
You never follow it.
All right, follow this: Go home!
Excuse me.
Is Kip Wilson here?
Uh, yes. Uh, yes.
Uh, Kip, there's
someone here to see you.
HENRY: Ah, don't
believe her. It's a trick.
I'm Vickie Wilson, his sister.
Oh. Oh.
Uh, Kip, come on now.
It's... It's your sister Vickie.
Who...? Vickie? Vickie, yes.
VICKIE: Kipper. Whoa! Ho-ho.
Hey! How's my sister?
How are you? (laughs):
Say hello to the monkey.
No! Not that monkey.
I hate that monkey.
(imitates monkey sounds)
Get that monkey out
of here. Go! (chuckles)
You love that monkey.
I love that monkey.
Boy, do I feel stupid.
I bought you a tie. You
want me to staple it on you?
Oh, this. No. This
isn't me, you know...
Oh. We're making a commercial.
I see. Vickie, it's Henry.
Look, there's Henry
in there somewhere.
Oh, handsome. Ha! Hi, Henry.
You look great, Sparky.
KIP: Isn't this great? Oreo.
(chuckling)
Isn't this great?
(chuckling)
Isn't this great?
All right, all right, all right.
That's enough.
That's enough. Really.
Uh, Vickie, this is Amy.
Hello. Hi, Amy.
And this is our former boss,
now business partner...
Oh. She knows that I am,
of course, Ruth Dunbar.
Hello.
I'm sure the boys have
had a lot to say about me.
No. Nothing.
Vickie, let me give
you some advice...
Here, Vickie, sit down, sit
down, sit down, sit down.
You must be tired.
Uh... you didn't
call or anything.
Is everything all right?
Oh, everything's just fine.
I just kind of came
on impulse, you know?
I felt like getting out
of Ohio for a while
and going crazy in the
big city. KIP: Ho. Ho. Ah.
(laughs excitedly)
I got a hotel room
and everything.
Wow! Terrific, huh?
Yeah, it's great.
Do you love it?
Huh. Oh, I love
it. I l... I love it.
Uh, Amy, would you get Vickie
some Ovaltine or something?
Uh, Henry, come on.
Hm. Sure.
I hope coffee will
do. Oh, terrific.
You know there's
something I've always wanted
to know about your brother.
sh**t.
Has he always been such a dope?
Oh. All the time.
Did you hear what
she said, Henry?
She came to the
big city to go crazy.
I wanna make sure that she has
absolutely no fun here
whatsoever. Hm-hm.
So will you take
her out tonight?
You want me to
take out your sister,
'cause you actually
don't trust anyone else?
Well, I don't trust
you either, Henry.
I mean, there was a time with
you and her in the tree house
with my Dad's
hot-lather machine.
All right. All right, fine.
See, you always bring that up.
All right, either trust
me or just take off, eh?
All right. Ok... All right.
Okay, I'm sorry. I trust you.
Now, will you take her out?
I'd be happy to. Thanks.
Should I dress like this?
Sure. Take her to a
restaurant on Pluto.
My advice to you is that
you should take a limousine,
because, you know, cab
drivers in New York are not all like
Judd Hirsch.
Vickie, would you
like to come out
and have dinner with me tonight?
I'd love to.
I must know literally hundreds
of wonderful restaurants.
Let me advise you. KIP: No! Hey!
That's lunch. Come on.
(chattering indistinctly)
( upbeat rock theme playing)
Boy, it's cold in here.
Kip?
Hey, buddy.
Huh? Who left the
window open in here?
Well, it's about time.
I thought that ugly
woman was you.
I'd recognize those
blackheads anywhere.
Come on. Don't touch me.
Don't even look
at me. All right.
Look at me when
I'm talking to you.
You know what
time it is? It's late.
It is 5 in the morning, Henry.
No. I didn't know
it was that late.
Five a.m. I have
been worried sick.
I called the cops, I
called the hospitals.
I was about to get Leonard
Nimoy out in search of you.
He is running out of
things to look for, isn't he?
(chuckles)
Oh, that's very funny.
(laughs sarcastically)
I don't wanna stand around
here laughing like Ricky Ricardo.
I wanna ask you a question.
Did you touch my sister?
How could you even
ask something like that?
Did you touch my sister?
You're nuts, you know. Did you?
You haven't given me a
straight answer to my question.
Did you touch my sister?
I gotta go. Just, did
you touch Vickie?
Did you touch Vickie?
Come on, what're you nuts?
Come on. What're you, crazy?
Huh? Er, did you touch Vickie?
Did you touch my sister?!
What is this?! Raging Kip?!
Come on.
You trust me, you
trust me, huh? Come on.
(imitates punching sounds)
(chuckles)
I wouldn't do anything
to hurt you, pally.
I'm your best friend, remember.
All right, I'm sorry. (chuckles)
That's all right. I'm sorry.
It's late, and... I know.
I'm sorry.
You know, it's late
and... well, you know.
Yeah, all right.
You know, it's just,
did you touch my sister?
You're nuts you know.
I'm telling you. Did
you touch my sister?
Look, I understand
you're being all protective
about your sister.
I would be too.
That's why I'm being... so calm.
Now, I... I've done nothing
to be ashamed of. (sighs)
Are you ashamed of making love?
No, of course not. Are you sure?
Sure, I'm sure.
Then how come you've never
done it in front of me? Huh?
Huh? Why not, huh?
Riddle me this, Batman.
You got no answer
for that, do you? Huh?
Did you touch her?
Did you touch Vickie?
Did you touch Sonny?
Oh, now you're really
nuts! No comment.
I bet you did. And I bet
you've even touched Ruth!
Oh, gross! What?
You know... if you'd
spend more time touching
and less time eating,
you wouldn't be so nuts.
Oh. That cr*ck just
because I'm a little bigger
and huskier than you are. Yeah!
What you wouldn't
do to be husky.
I'm not leaving this
until I get an answer.
Fine. Did you touch my sister?
Did you touch Vickie?
You're nuts, you know that.
(both scream)
(clank)
(both groaning)
KIP: Henry?
(Henry grunting)
Are you all right?
Yeah, I think so.
Henry? Yeah.
Did you touch my sister?
Agh... (both
shouting indistinctly)
(speaking gibberish)
(imitates motor)
(whistling)
Look at me. I'm Luke Skywalker.
(whistles)
Kip? Huh?
Oh, Henry.
(chuckles): I was just in
the most beautiful forest.
They had cassasisis, and
women with great big kardunaduros
gave us bowls of fon fous.
I live there now, so
forward my mail, okay?
Boy, are you high.
No.
And I'm... (laughs) And I'm...
And I'm really high.
(laughing)
And... And the best part
is, BlueCross pays for it.
(whistling)
(laughing)
(imitates static)
Kip calling Henry.
Kip calling Henry.
(imitating static)
This is Roger, Henry.
Yeah, there's just
one thing I'd like to say.
(imitating static) sh**t. Over.
(imitating static) Did
you touch my sister?
Did you touch Vickie?
Did you touch Vickie?
( upbeat theme playing)
(all giggling)
How come he gets tapioca?
I didn't get tapioca.
I'm just barely
getting tapioca, okay?
Good afternoon.
HENRY: Medication. We want more.
Ooh. Happy hour.
Ooh. Ooh, ooh. Happy hour.
Ooh, ooh.
You two should be in Pediatrics.
You're acting just like kids.
Are not, are not.
Oh, come on, Sonny,
they can't help it.
Poor things. They're blotto,
blitzed, stoned, blasted,
wasted, messed up, b*rned out,
creamed, destroyed, wrecked,
ripped, fried, dyed
and laid to the side.
Isabelle, where did you
learn all those terms?
I used to be a
substitute teacher. Hm.
Now, listen, you two.
I wanna know what
this is all about,
and I want answers pronto.
I'm Pronto. He's
the Lone Ranger.
(both laugh)
I made that up.
Kip.
Are you gonna tell
me what happened?
Kip, I'm talking to you.
(click)
Ow!
Was the fight about me?
No. Yes.
All right. Now, they're gonna
tell us the entire story.
Start.
I don't wanna say anything.
You don't wanna say anything?
All right. Then no
more medication.
No! No.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'll... I'll... I'll talk.
Oh. Okay. No problem.
I'll tell you all you wanna know
about this dime-store
Lothario over here.
Vickie, why don't you go out
and get, uh, an orange
drink or something?
No, I wanna hear this.
I want you to tell everyone here
just what you think
went on last night.
All right.
I'll try to clean it up.
Here's the way I see it.
A nice girl comes
to the big city
for the first time.
Then she goes out for
a big night on the town
with my so-called best
friend, and he says:
"Let's go back to the office."
Now she's a nice girl from Ohio.
She doesn't know any better.
She's not prepared for
this hungry lounge lizard.
Oh, I've observed him.
He's got all the moves.
A bird with a hat.
A very powerful aphrodisiac.
So he starts making his moves.
He gives her the old "You know,
my doctors have only given me
two months to live" routine.
Even backs it up
with visual aids.
Like all women, she's a
sucker for the nearly dead.
So she starts playing...
right into his hands.
And that's when he springs...
the big surprise.
Huh? Where he
got it, I'll never know.
Probably a rental.
So he spins her around,
throws her down onto the bed...
and then dances in next to her.
Yeah. He's a
regular "Bed" Astaire.
Bed Astaire.
Anyway, Bed Astaire.
(clears throat)
She is shocked by the
mirror on the ceiling.
Obviously another rental.
He moves in to kiss her.
She defends herself
as best she can.
But this scum actually likes it.
Now he's got her right
where he wants her.
Right where he can
force her to partake
in even his sickest fantasy.
Now, I'm not saying
that I was there,
and I'm not saying that's
exactly what happened,
but I am saying that that's
my impression of them.
Are you all right?
(chuckles)
What a mind.
I've gotta check what they're
sticking in this boy's tush.
I do not believe you.
I mean, you would
accuse this poor man...
This poor, broken-down man
who's playing with
a Mr. Potato Head.
No, honey, that's not the nose.
That's the ear.
I've been through
such an ordeal.
I know. I know, baby.
ISABELLE: Kip. Ahem.
Before you go on,
could you sign
this for me, please?
Oh, yeah. Uh, just right here.
Sure. What is it? Yeah.
Some kind of hospital
release form or something?
Well, now...
actually it says that
you won't sue the hotel
for a faulty fire escape.
Can't say I didn't earn
my paycheck this week.
Get out of that bed.
What are you doing?
I'm a sick man. I need my rest.
Well, Henry...
do you want to defend
yourself against this
ridiculous accusation?
(clears throat)
Yeah, defend yourself.
Defend yourself.
He doesn't have to.
Now, Vickie, you
stay out of this.
You don't have to say anything.
No business butting into this.
One reason is that he's
supposedly your best friend,
and he shouldn't have
to defend himself to you.
And the other reason is
that he's protecting me.
I'll tell you what
happened last night.
Uh... I don't wanna hear this.
We did go back to the office.
I'd forgotten one of my bags...
HENRY: Hold on.
Let me get the lights.
Oh. There it is.
I knew I left it here.
Oh. Okay, fine.
Well, we can take it back
to the hotel or just, uh...
Just go out from here.
Whatever you want, Sparky.
Please don't call
me that, Henry.
Why not? I always have.
I think it's cute.
Do you think I'm cute?
Sure I do. I mean
"no." I mean "yes."
I mean, you're cute.
You're more cute, like a...
A sister.
You'd be much cuter if
you were just a girl. Ha-ha.
Hey, wasn't dinner great?
Huh. Henry, you know
why I came to New York?
Our great pizza?
I came to see you.
That's terrific, thanks.
You wanna know why?
Uh, no. No, I don't...
I don't think so.
Uh, you want a blender?
Eight speeds. Heh.
Henry, I'm gonna
start college this year.
And I don't wanna start
until I've done something.
Gotten that all-important
back-to-school wear.
No, I think you
know what I mean.
Have you seen this? I'm in it.
Henry... I'm still a...
Vickie. I know. You're a Vickie.
Henry, I've never...
Been to the zoo
unescorted. I know.
I know.
And you shouldn't. Heh.
No. No. I know, I know.
Why are you telling me this?
Don't answer. Uh...
I think what you, uh,
ought to do is, uh, wait.
Be patient. And, uh, by golly,
eventually... just...
It just happens.
I don't want it to just happen.
A lot of girls don't.
We plan, we think,
we want everything
to be special.
Oh, but why me? (groans)
You sound like I'm asking you
to be Wayne Newton's bodyguard.
You're not?
I thought about it a lot, Henry.
I've had a crush on
you ever since I was 8.
Ever since the tree
house and the hot lather.
Yeah, don't bring
that up, all right?
My mom made me see a shrink.
I like you a lot, Henry.
You're older...
you're sensitive,
you're experienced.
Well, no, I'm not
really that experienced.
I mean, you could count
on, uh... Count on it.
Please... Henry, let's
go back to my hotel.
I know what I'm doing. I do.
Vickie, please have a seat.
I, uh...
I can't buy into this.
Uh, because it's
like a symbol to you.
Like college
represents growing up.
No. Well, I... can't
be part of a symbolic act.
A, because I think it's
the wrong kind of thing
for you to do and B,
because you are my
best friend's sister.
And C...
because I've... I've always
liked you and cared about you
and wanted to
protect you like...
Like a little
sister I never had.
And I always wanted one.
Still do.
Say hello to the monkey.
Sorry.
Were you at least flattered?
Tremendously.
Tsk. Guess I'll have to
wait for somebody else.
Huh?
Like your husband.
Boy, that sounds
just like something
my brother would say.
Well, we could always...
resort to the next best thing.
Pac-Man?
Exactly.
Whoa. (giggles)
And that's exactly what
happened, you dope.
Mm. Oh, I'm a dope.
Now, would you have
wanted Henry to tell you that?
No. Here's a dope.
Would you have
wanted him to lie to you?
Mm-mm. A dopey dope.
What would you have
wanted him to do?
Well... pretty
much, sorta, kinda,
exactly what he did, I guess.
I'm sorry, pal.
It's all right, you dope.
I didn't trust him,
didn't trust you.
I didn't trust anybody, did I?
I'm sorry. Don't be sorry.
You're my big brother.
You're supposed to be a dope.
(Henry snickering)
That's your job.
AMY: Aw.
I still say, most girls plan.
You girls planned, didn't you?
Uh...
(in unison): Uh...
planned what? Heh.
Well, heh...
I think I'll just
run downstairs,
and... we'll talk later.
See you.
You did, didn't you?
(clears throat)
Vickie, heh...
I really don't want to answer
that question right
this second. Heh.
This poor boy's been
sick enough as it is.
Come on. I'll tell you a story.
Okay.
Maybe I can answer
all those questions you have.
Hey, what is that
supposed to mean, nurse?
Huh?
Who? Who?
Ha-ha. I have a plan.
Not tonight. I...
I've got a leg ache.
For crying out loud,
Amy, he's a sick man.
Okay. Okay.
I understand.
You're a sick man.
You're not feeling well.
Okay, I understand.
I hope you get well soon.
(door closes)
Tsk.
(exhales)
(chuckles)
Well, here we are.
(both chuckle)
How's your leg?
Broken.
How's your arm?
Oh, busted all up. (chuckles)
Just like my sense
of self-respect.
I was a maniac. Certifiable.
I'd trust you with my life.
You know that, don't you?
But not with your sister?
No, I guess not. Heh.
Most guys are overprotective
when it comes to
their little sisters.
I know that's the
way I am with Vickie.
I would be too.
I understand.
I hope we get some
medication pretty soon...
Yeah, me too.
Can use those little
blue ones, you know?
Yeah.
Henry. I'm possessed.
Henry! (laughing)
Ow! Ow, ow, ow.
( upbeat theme playing)
( upbeat jazz theme playing)
(with European accent):
The bedpan strikes again.
(chuckles menacingly)
(screams)
(yells indistinctly)
( upbeat jazz theme playing)
02x17 - Not with My Sister, You Pig
Watch/Buy Amazon
Follows the misadventures of two single men, working in creative advertising, struggling in their industry while disguising themselves as women in order to live in the one apartment they could afford.
Follows the misadventures of two single men, working in creative advertising, struggling in their industry while disguising themselves as women in order to live in the one apartment they could afford.