02x18 - Not the Last Picture Show

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Bosom Buddies". Aired: November 27, 1980 –; March 27, 1982.
Follows the misadventures of two single men, working in creative advertising, struggling in their industry while disguising themselves as women in order to live in the one apartment they could afford.
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02x18 - Not the Last Picture Show

Post by bunniefuu »

HENRY (voice-over): When
we moved to New York,

we had a great
apartment that was cheap.

KIP (voice-over):
And we found out why.

HENRY: Our friend Amy said

there was a great
apartment in her building.

KIP: Dirt cheap. But
it's a hotel for women.

Okay, we made one adjustment.

HENRY: Now these other ladies
know us as Buffy and Hildegarde.

KIP: But they also know us

as Kip and Henry, Buffy
and Hildy's brothers.

I am, uh, crazy
about the blond, heh.

HENRY: This experience
is gonna make a great book.

KIP: See, it's all
perfectly normal.

(Stephanie Mills' "Shake
Me Loose" playing)

♪ I'd like to be J. Paul Getty ♪

♪ That gig Has got potential ♪

♪ But the only thing
That's essential ♪

♪ Is having a friend Like you ♪

♪ Well, you can try
To shake me loose ♪

♪ Don't try To shake me ♪

♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with me ♪

♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with ♪

♪ Oh, ooh... ♪

♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Don't try to shake me ♪

♪ And you can leave
If you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Oh ♪

♪ You can tell me to go away ♪

♪ But it doesn't
matter What you say ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

( upbeat rock theme playing)

(Kip singing indistinctly)

(group singing indistinctly)

(Kip singing indistinctly)

(group singing indistinctly)

(all singing indistinctly)

It's 2:30 in the morning.

Do you know where
your children are?

W-we were just
over on Tenth Avenue

checking out this new wave
rock club called The Clot.


We saw this, uh...

This hot new wave
band. Um, Grisly Cheese.

In their finale they, uh...

They spit on the
audience and, uh,

they left the kids there
screaming for more,

so I spit on them.

(laughing) Hey, girl.

Girl, there were
drugs everywhere.

Looked like a
pharmacy had exploded.

(both laughing)

There wasn't one
dry nose in the house.

I mean, I don't
understand these kids.

I mean, why do they need
stimulants to have fun?

ISABELLE: That's true.

Hey, I got bourbon, I
got Scotch, I got tequila.

Come and get it.

WOMEN: ♪ Party, party, party ♪

♪ Party, party, party ♪

Oh, none for me.

I'm too tired to drink.

You all sound a little
freaked out to me.

Well, it's those kids.

I don't know what's with them,

and I don't know why they
wear their hair so short.

And why do they wear it striped?

Oh, they were doing
this romantic new dance

called the slam.

Here, I'll show it to you:

Unh! Oh!

ISABELLE: This again?
Come on, let's go get him.


Come on, stop.

I got the music in me.

Well, I don't know what's
with these kids today.

I hope it's just a phase.


What is this world coming to?

I mean, we were never
irresponsible at that age.

Mmm, I wish they could just see

how silly some of them looked.

Well, let's go home. I'm pooped.

Listen to you old-timers.

I think there's been a little
jolt to the chronically hip.

You should hear yourselves.

"What is the world coming to?"

"Gee, you should have
seen how silly they looked."

"Gosh, I... I hope
it's just a phase."

I mean, you sound like
your own grandparents.

Ruth, they're only expressions.

No, no.

They're little glances
into your souls.

I'm afraid you geezers

have spent the evening
with Father Time.

You don't know
what you're saying.

RUTH: Oh! We're still kids.

We're young. We're still pups.

SONNY: Yeah.

We're still wet behind the ears.

Oh, poochie, there.

Say, what is this?

Fido got little gray
hairs here? Ow!

No, uh, I... I happen
to dye that one gray,

and it's gonna stay gray

till there's peace
in the Middle East.

Henrikins, aren't we
wearing our forehead

a little high this year?

Hey, that took me a long
time to comb it like that.

And, Isabelle, I'm sure that
you're only wearing those

because they're
such high fashion.

And this...

Well, I think that
this snores for itself.

I'm up, I'm up.

I'm just resting my eyes.

And, Sonny...


When it happens to you,
it's going to go like that.

Ruth, may I point out to you

that you are the senior member

of this coffee klatch?


And may I point out to you
that you have never, ever

heard me worry about
being out of touch?

You see, you
calibrate your lives on...

On popular, trendy fads.

Now, you have never
heard anybody say:

"A mood ring is forever."

I, on the other hand, have
a style which is timeless.

I have classic interests,

things like Chopin,
Proust, Matisse.

Well, they will
always be au courant,

no matter what happens
to the Grisly Cheese.

Yeah, well, what about
Aretha? KIP: Yeah.

Just face it.

Just accept it.

Time passes.

You're getting on.

You're getting older.

You're beginning
to feel out of touch.

(laughing): You can't handle it.

I must say, it just
tickles me pink.

I am so amused.

Just remember,
you're not getting better.

You're getting older.

I remember when I
used to boogie till I puked.

I'm puking earlier all the time.

You know, now
that I think about it,

we have seen the
Smothers Brothers

make three comebacks.


Do you really
think that it'll go like:


Where will it go?

Down, honey, down.

Oh, well, next thing you know

we're gonna be staring

at the business
end of middle age.

( mellow swing theme playing)

What a heck of a
barbecue that was.


Almost b*rned the steaks.


Hey, Kip, I'm over here.



Va, va, va, voom!

Like to give that cookie some
orders, you know what I mean?


Hey, you're gonna like
these pictures, Kipper.

Here's you and Sonny
by the station wagon.

Yeah, yeah. You don't say.

Here's just the station wagon.

Oh, hey. Oh, yeah,
that's a beauty.

Look at the paneling
on that, huh?

Huh. Yeah, great.

Heh, heh, heh. Listen,
Henry, before the...

The bats get here,
I'd like to talk to you

a little bit about the
business if I could.

Uh, I mean, we have
to face facts here.

There's no new
clients coming in.

We haven't got any accounts,

and we're almost bankrupt.

I think the crash of '83
has really taken its toll.

Get a load of this, huh?

This is a picture of green.

That, my friend, is
the greenest front lawn

in all of northern Jersey.

You can go to Persippany,
Tenafly, Nutley, Montclair,

Paterson, Clifton,
Hawthorne, Glen Rock...

All right, shut up!

Just beautiful. Ah, heh.

Remember, I was
having that problem:

Should I sod? Should I seed?

Well, I sodded.

And I think it's beautiful.

I think the picture
speaks for itself.

You know, you're
as boring as sod.

You know that? You're boring.

You're boring!

All right.


Hey, here's a picture
of the new rain gutters.

Yeah, great.

Well, hello, hello.




Yeah, well, listen,
we'll have, uh,

four of the specials.

We got somebody else coming.

We'll have a round
of the usual and, uh,

for dessert, uh,
why don't you...

meet me in the telephone
booth wearing this spoon, huh?

Ha, ha. Will ya?

Aw, you love it!

Come on, take a joke, sweetie.

I'm a funny guy!

I'm a funny guy!

Yeah, she likes me!


Hey, Kip, did I tell you
what the kids got me for, uh...

For my birthday?
Yeah, socks. I know.

They got me socks.
I know. Blue socks.

And I've seen the
pictures already.

Have you seen the pictures?

I've seen the
pictures! Blue ones?

I saw the blue ones! All right.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Listen...

About the business.

Here's what we do:

You meet me down at the office,

say about 2 a.m. this morning.

I'm gonna have some
friends of mine with me.

I'm gonna have some
gasoline and I'm gonna have

a couple of matches
and some rags.

What we're gonna
do is torch the place.

We'll make all our money back.

Torch the place?
Torch the place.

Come on, we can't do that.

Why not?

Well, first of all,
it's illegal. So?

Second of all, it's Monopoly
night at the Miltons'.

(laughs) The Miltons?

Who are the Miltons?
They're fun people.

More boring people!
Come on, you'll love 'em.

More boring people.

Hey, girls, how was your
day at the beauty parlor?

Tell me all about it, huh?
Ugh, what a day, what a day.

I wish you were there
with your camera.

Oh, fabulous. Simply fabulous!

I got my roots touched up,

I got a styling, I
got a manicure,

I got a pedicure,

and I got a full body wax.

Now, isn't this something?

I'm paying Mr. Tony $300

to rub his hands
all over your body.

I never get to touch ya!

When I'm good and ready.

Ah, when you're ready it
ain't gonna be any good.

Thank you. Oh,
I'm sorry, but, uh,

this is the special.

I want lobster and steak,
and an ounce of beluga caviar.

Thank you very much.

Oh, now, this is just peaches.

Why don't you order a
bowl of jewelry and a...?

And a gold milkshake?

Aw, get your hands
outta my bacon.

Ah! Henry poo, remember
what Dr. Grubenstein said.

Too much salt is bad
for the blood pressure.

You lead an exciting
enough life as it is.

You know something, Amy cakes?

You eat sexy. Anybody
ever tell you that?

You know, I think
it's about time

the Wilsons and the Desmonds

got together for the
old, uh, swapperoo, huh?

Well, I'm very
flattered, I'm sure.

But Dr. Grubenstein
does not want Henry

to get too excited after his:

Ooh... okay.

Look, honey, you got the olive,

you got the lime,

you got the onion and
you got a swizzle stick.


Izzy, all these
glasses are empty.

Well, now, that's funny.

They wasn't when
I started over here.

Here's to your health, Izzy.

Honey, what did
Doctor Grubenstein say

about drinking?

Well, honey, maybe just a sip.

If I could have a
sip. Do I need this?

Fine, take your sip,
go to the cemetery

and lie down.

(laughs) Ooh! Ooh!

Hey, Isabelle. Yeah, baby.

What say we, uh, sashay
up to the condominium

and, uh, have ourselves
a little pillow talk, huh?


Well, honey, if we
drinkin', I'm thinkin'.

(guffaws) Whoo!

Well, there you all
are, all my children.

Why, the middle-aged
and the restless.

You look sensational, huh?!

Va, va, va, voom!

Hey, what say you
and I go out and test out

the shock absorbers
on my new van, huh?

Ooh, sassy! I like that.

Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh.

Hey, Ruth, did you see
the pictures of my new rake?

It's bamboo. Yeah.

Yes, yes, Henry. I
saw that last week.

These are the new ones.

That's it right near
the hammock, huh?

ISABELLE: Excuse me, baby.

Hey, Sonny? Huh?

Can I suck your ice?
Oh... (Kip chuckles)

Look at this. Isn't
this just pathetic?

What's become of all of you?

Why, you used to
be the whiz kids.

You were the Young Turks.

Now look at you.

Henry, you are the dullest man

on this God's Earth.

All right.


Amy, you've become
a whiny, nagging wife.


Isabelle, hopeless
lush. ISABELLE: Hey!

I'll drink to that.

Sonny, you're a
money-grubbing prude.

Oh, Ruth, I want your necklace.

And, Kip, the saddest of all.

You're a dirty,
lecherous degenerate.


No style, no standards.

You've grown old with no grace.

You're just sad and worthless.

Well, now, thank you, Ruth.

It's nice to see you
haven't changed.

Get your hands outta my fries.

( mellow swing theme playing)


I just don't think so,
that's the whole thing.

All right, look, what
you're saying is,

all I have to look forward to

is polyester suits, uh,
new rain gutters, and this:

Very nice. Well,
look, I'm sorry, kids,

but it's not a pretty story

when you become
one with your parents.

What about me?

I'm not a nag.

I mean, do I nag? I'm not a nag!

I mean, you wouldn't go out
and call me a nagging person.

Henry, I'm talking to you.

Do I nag or not? Answer me.

Well... Forget it.

Comb your hair.

(clicks tongue)

I don't think I want
any more of this drink.

Well, hey, guys.

It doesn't get any better.

Let's, uh, talk about

the so-called Golden
Years, shall we, huh?

I mean, let's imagine that,
uh, nothing has changed.

( mellow swing theme playing)

Five dollars for that
pneumatic subway.

It ain't worth it.

Never on time. Never
know where you...

Where are you?

Uh, are you coming?

Come on!

Are you coming? I'm
coming, I'm coming.

Don't worry, I'll be here.


Made it.

Thank you.

You old tortoise, you.
Sometimes... Argh.

What's your rush, huh?

We had lunch.

I don't have to go to
the bathroom till dinner.

Can you believe it?

Fifty years we've
been living here,

dressing up like dames.

You're still lovelier than ever.

Oh, cut that out!


You smell good too.

Will you shut up!

You drive me crazy.

Will you pull up

those wrinkled old
nylons of yours?

Not wearing any.


( upbeat swing theme playing)

Heh! There's another one.




Now I got you
trapped like a weasel!

King me.

Well, I'm not sure... Nah!

Did you king me?
No, I didn't king you!

Who won?

I won.

You always win.

Did you hear Louie
Sunkist is d*ad?


I owed him money.

Put a lampshade on his
head at Martha's party,

forgot to take out the lamp.

So... who else took a dirt nap?

Are you sitting?

On a good day
you're senile at best,

you bowling ball, you.

Thank you.



Isabelle's a goner.

No! Isabelle?

Well, I hope she left me
some of them flashy dresses.



Who is it? Who is it?

Mmm, mmm.

Anybody for some Chinese food?

Well, look who
rolled in... Montana.

You know...

It's a really good thing I
like a man in a uniform.


Honey, I finally
made a big decision.

I've decided to give you myself.

Take me!

Aw, keep it.

Ach! What a day! Yeow!

Got gum on my shoe.

My favorite flavor.


I almost lost my
favorite d*ad cat.

Hi, Mommy.

Hi, Daddy.

Look, Daddy, found
a chicken neck.

Our luck... is turning.

Whoa, hold on a minute.

Hiya, kids. How ya doing?

You hear?

Isabelle's a goner.

I ain't d*ad. I'm
here for the rent.

Will you kids pipe down?

I'm trying to read.

Anything in there
about Isabelle's death?

Nope, just the month.

This one's a keeper.


How are the best
and the brightest?


Did you hear?

Isabelle kicked the bucket.

That's a nice lint ball.

Swap you some Styrofoam for it.

Oh, well, here you are, Amy.

You worked awfully
hard for that Styrofoam.

Why don't you just keep it?

It's yours. Get her every time.


So... Tell me, Ruth.

How do you stay so
young and beautiful?

Well, I just pamper myself.


Boxcars full of hormones.

Every time the woman spits,

she creates new life.

All right, kids.

Is everybody ready for our
big weekly trip to the market?

Let's go! Food!

I wanna ride in the car.

Drop me off at
the magazine rack.

I'll be in the back in
the Dumpster. What?

Now, everybody get a buddy.

I don't wanna leave
Henry in frozen foods again.

Come on, bald eagle,
let's hit it. Come on.

On the way. On the way.

On the way.

We should buy a wreath
for Isabelle's grave.

I ain't d*ad!

All right, you don't
have to chip in.

( mellow swing theme playing)

Oh, you're a real cheery guy.

I'm sorry.

I'm just taking available data

and making a logical conclusion.

Think of me as a
Mr. Spock with good ears.

I wanted to trade
Styrofoam for a lint ball.

What a terrible trade.

Well, what are you
complaining about?

I was a talking eggplant.

That's better than
being a d*ad eggplant.

Listen, you guys.

Just because you grow old,

doesn't mean you have to
become senile and decrepit.

I mean, look at Marc Chagall,

Jacques Cousteau,
Katharine Hepburn.

I mean, the world is full of
old people who are active

and still making
important contributions.

There's no reason why
we can't grow old gracefully.

Now let me paint you a picture.

( mellow swing theme playing)


Ohhh, look, honey, huh?


Fifty years ago Henry
and I moved in this place.

They still haven't
changed the wallpaper.

Oh, you boys were
just so crazy to live here.

Oh, now, Mama, I
was crazy about you.

Oh, you silver fox, you.


Daddy, why don't
we just sneak on up

to our old room and,
like we used to say,

"Get down and get funky"?

Oh, now, muffin,
just ten minutes ago

we got down and
got funky in the cab.

Daddy's tired, huh?

Oh, Daddy.

Say, what is, uh, keeping
Senator Desmond?

Oh, probably still in conference

with President Travolta.

Who is it?

Ohhh! Ohhh!

Heh, heh. Huh, huh, huh.

Speak of the devil!

Senator Desmond and
spouse, how are you?

Oh, Sonny. Good to see you.

How are you? Good to see you.

How are you? How are you?

Huh? Oh! Oh! Oh!

So, senator, how's
everything on Capitol Hill?

Oh, Sonny, hectic,
hectic, hectic.

You know, I'm trying to
pass my new firearms bill:

use a laser, go to prison.

Oh, say, Henry,
loved the last book,

the two of us did.

Yes. Absolutely loved it.

Such pathos, such emotion.

Good work, good work. Thank you.

You know, it was
my first biography,

and I wanted to do
this Anson Williams

some justice, by golly.

The man's a legend.

That's true.

Oh, I just can't believe it.


Remember, men
in the lobby are nice,

but upstairs is no dice!


Good to see you. So good to...

Nice to see you.
Ohhh, honey, honey.


Baby, you went,
did you? (laughs)

So, Izzy, how's
the singing coming?

Oh, honey, great, great!

You know, I'm
still featured soloist

in the church choir!


Well, that's nice.
That's excellent.

Nothing better than a...
Than a good soloist in church.

Yeah, yeah.

I know what you're all thinking.

Poor Isabelle,
never made it big.

Well, you know what?

This may not be Broadway,

but as long as I'm
singing somewhere,

I'm happy.

Now, isn't she something, Mama?

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Honey, not there.

Oh, now, Mama, control yourself.

I just can't help it, honey.

It's been 20 minutes now, and...

Ooh, ooh, I do need you now.

All right.

Oh, no!

I don't see it. I
do not see that.

You know, no matter
how old I get now,

I'll never get tired
of watching this.

( upbeat theme playing)





( upbeat jazz theme playing)
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