05x24 - The Birth Part 2

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER: Previously on
Mad About You.

What did Joan say
about the water breaking?

She said
that's when it's it.

That's when there's
no turning around.
It's time.

Why?

My water just broke.

Wait! Wait! Stop!
What? What?

Oh, my God, my ring.
What, your wedding ring?

I don't want
to have this baby
without that ring.

I'm gonna be right back
and take care of you.

All right. Please
don't have the baby
till I get back.

Ho there.

Whoa! That
was fast, huh?

Must be some kind
of record or some such.

Congrats! Congrats!
Congrats there, Mr. Daddy.

Yeah.

So where is the little tyke?

No, no, it's not time yet,
Nat.

It's just Jamie
forgot her ring.

Her ring?

What does she need a ring for?

It's a symbol.
It's a good luck charm.
She needs it.

Oh, yeah. I see that.

A little like
a monkey's finger,

I kept a little tube.

Got it. Got it.
See you, Murray.

Well, you take care.
Good luck, huh?
Take... Whoa!

Whoa!

WOMAN PATIENT: What
about that good room,
Dr. Goldwasser?

When am I getting
the good room?

DR. GOLDWASSER: I told you,
It's first come, first served.

Oh, is that so?
Can you believe that?

Irwin, you just do
whatever you have to do

to get me that good room.

[DOOR OPENS]

How we doing here?

I'm fine.
Pretty fine.

[CLEARS THROAT]

What's the good room?

Good room?
Who told you about
the good room?

I heard.

What's it like?

What's it like?
It's good.

Come on.

All right.

It's like having your baby
at the Waldorf, okay?

Wow.
How do you get it?

Well, actually,
it's first come,
first serve.

Well, I'm ready.
I'm ready to go
right now.

I'm totally...
I feel pretty ready to go.

Believe me, you're not.

Is my husband here yet?
I haven't seen him.

What about Joan?

She hasn't gotten here yet.

PAUL: What's
going on here?
What's all this?

You can't go through.
We're sh**ting a movie.

Yeah, but no...
My wife Is having a baby.

Where is she,
in the trunk?

No, she's in the hospital.

I had to...
She forgot her ring.

So I had to race home
to get the ring.

She sent you home
in the middle of her birth
to get her ring?

Yeah. I know.

You ought to do
better than that, pal.

We just had
a big incident here.
It's mayhem.

[STAMMERS] Why?
Can't I just...

Turn it around.
Move out of the way.
We got ambulances coming.

Can I one time?
Never again.

No.

I told him I wouldn't
call anybody.
Uh-huh.

Then I panicked
and called everybody.
Uh-huh.

No. I mean everybody.
Thank you.

Everybody I've ever had
contact with
in my entire life.

But nobody was home.

Jamie, it's all right.
You have nothing
to worry about.

You've nothing to be
concerned about.

This is my job.
This is what I do.

I'm here for you now.
Just for you.

[PAGER BEEPS]

You psychotic little snot.

I'll be right back.

[SIRENS WAILING]

Thank you.

What?

What?

You know,
this better be it.

I was in the middle
of kickboxing class,

and I had to run all
the way down here,
all sweating,

and you know what?
[SNIFFS]

I stink.
Is there a shower
in here?

I think there's one
in the hall...

You know what,
is this going
to get yucky?

One can only hope.

When are you
taking the dr*gs?

I'm not going to take dr*gs.

I'm gonna try to do this
without dr*gs.

Come on. At least
get the dr*gs.
I'll take 'em.

FIRST REPORTER:
Film star Bruce Willis

was apparently
injured today

during the filming of
a stunt here in Manhattan

while sh**ting his latest film
Die, Already.

SECOND REPORTER:
Any other injuries...

He was on a
ninth story scaffolding.

No one's quite sure
what happened next,

but something obviously
went horribly wrong.

Hospital spokespeople here
will not confirm or deny
this rumor.

His condition is not known
at this time.

You can see
quite a crowd.

Let's see if we can
talk to someone.

Sir, as a concerned fan
who has shown up
to show moral support,

what would you say
to Bruce Willis

if you could talk to him
at this moment?

Bruce Willis?

Oh, I could care less
about Bruce Willis.

My wife is about
to have a baby.

I'm trying to get
upstairs. Excuse me.

So you see,
fans from all over
have gathered in droves

to stand vigil
for their fallen idol.

Back to you
in the studio.

Oh, this is
so exciting.

Does it bring
back memories?

Oh, yeah, the joy,
the elation.
Ma.

The overwhelming emotion.
Ma.

This is a moment you'll never
forget in your life.
Ma.

What?

You were
completely unconscious
for the whole thing.

Yeah. So?

Uh. Listen,
here's the truth.

My wife is
in maternity,

and she's about
to have a baby.

Look,
here is my wife's
wedding ring.

Yeah. Good one.

Seriously. Her finger
is too swollen.

She had to take it off,
and she put it
in a drawer.

So I went... I didn't
want to, believe me,

but I rushed home.
I went to get the ring,

and now, she needs
to have the ring

before she can
have the baby.
Come on.

Well, you let
that guy through.

He called him Bruno.

You got to know him
to call him Bruno.

No. No. I don't
know the guy.

Everybody knows
his nickname
is Bruno.

Really?

Yeah!

We got problems
down here.

And the first one

is always
the tough one.

I remember
Lisa got stuck.

Her head was
like a boulder.

It just
wouldn't budge.

And I was screaming,
"Get this kid
out of me,"

and so an orderly
and a resident
climbed on top of me

and they started
pushing down

and pushing
and pushing
and pushing,

and finally
you squirted out,

, , , phfft!

He must have
gone this way!

Oh, God.
I remember
with Ryan

they had to slice me open
like a fish.

I looked like
I fell on a grenade.

No. I looked like a frog
being dissected

by a ninth-grade
biology student.

Anybody want
to see the scar?

ALL: Ooh!

GUARD: This way.

[HARMONICA STARTS
PLAYING BLUES]

Hey, how are ya?

Hi.

You with the hospital?

No. No.

Security.

No.

[SNIFFING]

The press.

No, no, no.
Nothing like that.

Well, I'm trying to have
a little moment of privacy.
Thanks.

Hey, sorry.
Please. No. Hey.

MAN: Look in here.
This way.

MAN : Yes, sir.
Got to be
down there.

What are you
doing here?

I'm voting.

You seen anybody
else in here?

No.
Nobody else.

I haven't seen
anybody.

You didn't see anybody
in a hospital gown,
head all bandaged?

Uh... In... No, no.

Come on.

He's got to be
down there.

They're gone.

Thanks.

Sure.
Don't mention it.

So, uh, what happened
to your head?

Huh?
Your head,
what happened?

I fell off a -foot
scaffold at work,
landed on my head.

They brought me
down here for tests.

They say it might
be a concussion,

but, to be honest
with you,

I don't feel
that concussed.

Okay, sure.

You sure
you're all right?

Huh?

You gonna be okay?

Yeah. I'm fine,
thanks.

Okay. Well,
nice to meet you.

Hey, hey.
What?

What are you doing
up here, anyway?

My wife's about
to have a baby.

What are you doing
loitering around
the men's room

when your wife's
about to have a baby?

Believe me, I...

I got a little
problem here.

Do you,
by any chance,

know how to get
to the maternity ward?

Follow me.

[WHISPERING]
Cameras.

Oh. You're very
good at this.

Listen to me.
Be strong now.
That's my message.

Because later,
all you'll pretty much
have to worry about

is cutting
them grapes in half.

Grapes?
Yeah. You got to cut
the grapes in half.

They got them
tiny little windpipes,
you know?

Oh, sure. Okay.
You got it?

Sure, sure.
Strong now,
and later, cut grapes.

You got it.
Okay.

Oh, this is important.
You right handed
or left handed?

Uh, right handed.
Okay, good.

During delivery,
give her your hand
to hold, but be careful.

She gets a hold
of that right hand,

she'll squeeze it
like a sock puppet.

You won't be able
to sign your name
for a year.

So don't give her
the right hand
and cut the grapes.

Okay. I think I can
remember all this stuff.

You'll be all right.
Yeah. Okay.

You'll be fine. Listen.
Yeah.

If I can do it,
you can do it.

Yeah, okay.
This is very helpful.
Thanks a lot, man.

You've no idea.
You're welcome.

Can I give you a hug?

Hey. [CHUCKLES]

Okay. All right.
Good, good.

Can I give you
a little kiss?

You want to make out
a little bit?

I don't. No.

Okay.

But thank you.
Yeah.

My breasts
were never bigger.

I loved it.
I was actually zaftig.

DEBBIE: For the first time
in my life,

men actually talked to me
and stared at my chest.

THERESA: You'll be
fuller-busted, dear.

Yep.

Sure, I was bigger,
but I had ankles
to match.

Of course,
when I stopped
breastfeeding,

they looked
like a couple
of empty gym socks.

I gained pounds
and I'm still taking it off.

I lost the weight,
but my body is sh*t.

Well, bikinis are
a thing of the past.

Where is Paul?

You know,
I have a hell of a time
putting on weight.

Stop it.

Wait, wait, wait.
And what about sex?

Oh, don't even
start on that.

Sex? What
do you mean?

Where is Paul?

[GRUNTING]

You pick out
any names yet?

Names? Well, we got
a few thoughts.

You have any ideas?

What are
your kids' names?

Rumer, Scout,
and Tallulah Belle.

Yeah, well...

We'll think
of something,
I'm sure.

Come on,
I'll hoist you up.

Are you serious?
Yeah. Grab hold. Ready?

And here we go.

Whoa.
Whoa, whoa.

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

What happened to him?

He went home
to get my ring.

It should have
taken him minutes.

I don't understand.
What happened?

Honey, honey.
Come back.

We'll go look
for him.

You go look
in the elevators,

and I'm gonna
check the lobby.

Don't worry, sweetie,
we'll find him.

We'll see
if he's lost.

He'll be here.

Are you sure
this is the fastest way
to the maternity ward?

Hi, my darling.

Daddy, you're here.

Shh. I wouldn't be
anyplace else in
the world but here.

I'm so glad.

Look at
this little face.

This is the same
sweet little face

you had
when you were .

I really never dreamed
that we'd be here
together like this.

You about to
become a mama...
[CHUCKLES]

And me about to become
a grandpa.

Me neither.

But still...

You're
my little girl.

You promise?

Ohh... Promise.

Cross my heart.

Okay, take it easy.

You're going?

No, I'm not going.

I'm just gonna
wait outside.

And... And I'll be
out there...

If you need me.
Okay.

Okay.

Oh, good. Here we are.
Go up to the fifth floor,

two quick rights and a left.
You can't miss it.

Two quick rights
and a left. Okay.

Listen, you've
been a big help.
Thank you very much.

You're welcome. Hey...

You like tomatoes?

I enjoy tomatoes.
I'm gonna send you
some tomatoes, okay?

Sure.
Shape yourself up.

[PEOPLE TALKING]
Listen... Shh!

You never
saw me, right?
No, no.

We never had
this conversation.
Never.

Take care
of yourself.
Gimme a hug.

[GROANS]

Contractions
are getting
closer together.

Do you want
something?

[SIGHS] No. Not yet.

We can't wait
anymore.

It's time
to move you now.

No. Not without Paul.

Jamie, it's not me.

I'd wait for him
all day.

It's the baby.
He's very impatient.
We've got to go.

I don't want to
do this without Paul.

Honey...

It'll make
a great story.

Let's go.

James?
Paul, where are you?

I'm here.
Where are you?

I'm right here.

Hey, there you are.
Here I am.

It's you!
It's me!

Come here,
come here,
come here.

Thank God.
What happened?
Is everything okay?

Yeah. Fine, fine.
No problem. Look.
Here's your ring.

Forget about the ring.
I don't care
about the ring

as long as I have you.

Oh, don't tell me
that now.

JOAN: Come on,
let's move it. I want
to get the good room.

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey. Oh. Uh...
All right, look.

Um, I'm Paul.

We were here
first.

Actually,
I don't think so.
I think it's a tie.

You wish it was a tie.
You wish it was a tie.

We're getting
the good room.
You and what army?

Oh, I'm shaking.

Joan...
Ben...

All right.
How dilated
is this one?

Seven centimeters.

Mine's eight.
Yes!

Contractions?
Five minutes apart.

Four.
Liar.

Read 'em
and weep.

[GROANS] Here it comes.
You all right?

Me, too!
Me, too!

[EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE]

Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Dr. Eckstein.

What is going on here?
The good room, sir.

Again? Every day,
I'm in the good room.

I'm sick of the good room.
I'm closing the good room.

Not today, you're not.
No way!

What if I said
neither one of you
gets the good room?

What if I reached
down your throat

and delivered your colon?
How would you like that?

Very nice.
Oh, you're a bargain
over here.

For God's sakes,
look at you two.

You're both
gonna be parents.

You should be ashamed
of yourselves.

I'm not.
Me neither.

Well, you two
just work it out
like mature people.

You wanna sh**t for it?

Odds or evens?

How do you put out
two fingers?
Leave me alone.

You had the good room
in the palm of your hand.

Oh, God.

Hmm. Contraction?
Mmm.

Okay. All right.
Breathe.

Oh...
Breathe.

Want to try
another position?
[GROANS]

Okay, okay.

Good, good, good.
There you go.

[DEEP BREATHING]

Hello.

Oh, God.

Are you okay?
Yeah, she's fine.
She's fine.

Why... Why did you call me?

I wasn't here yet,
so she was just
a little scared.

So you called me.
Oh, I can understand that.

It's not what you think.
I called everybody I know.

Interestingly,
I, uh, I don't see
anybody else here.

Uh, you know what.
I'm here now,
so you can go.

Okay, but if you need me...
Well, obviously
you have my number.

Oh, don't overinterpret that.
I just never took it
out of my book.

I don't have your number,
but whatever.

It was nice of you
to think of me

at the most important
moment of your life.

Somebody k*ll him
and blame me.

Nice seeing you
again, Pete.

That sort of stuff
doesn't happen
in the good room.

Breathe through it,
Jamie.

There you go.
Good girl.

Do you want something
for the pain?

Mm-mmm. If
I want something,
I'll say.

All right.
Just let me know.

Hi, honey.
It's Mommy.

[GRUNTS]

Honey?

Oh!
Honey.

Oh!
Honey.

Why are you
in so much pain?
Hmm?

Probably because
it hurts like hell.

[JAMIE BREATHES HEAVILY]

Hello.

Excuse me.

Could I talk to you
for a second?
Sure.

Uh, why don't you
give her something
for the pain?

Why are you
letting her lie there
and suffer like that?

Mrs. Stemple...

My baby is in pain.
Why are you just
standing there?

Why don't you
do something?

Give... Give her a drip!
You know, Theresa...

My daughter
is in pain here!

Somebody help her!
Help her! Somebody
help my daughter!

What's the matter?
You're all just
standing there!

Help! Help! Help!
Help my daughter!

You get out
of my way!

Oh, honey, my God!

What kind of doctor
do you call...

Mrs. Stemple,
Jamie is try to have

a natural childbirth.

Ah...

Are you out
of your mind?

Mrs. Stemple.
This will make you
feel so much better.

Breathe.

Why is it so noisy
and crowded in here?

Jamie, they
have to do this.

Don't even pay
attention to them.

Shh!
You just focus on...

Don't talk.

Why not?
Just don't.

JOAN: Keep breathing, Jamie.
You're doing great.

You really are.
You are doing just...

Don't talk.

Just me?
Yes.

I'm not allowed
to talk?
Please?

Joan just talked.

Anybody can talk.
Just not you.

I just don't understand...
Are you kidding me now?

Are you gonna pick
a fight with me now?

No, no, no!
You gonna start
with me now?

[SCREAMS]

Do you have to
do this now?
Don't worry about her.

I hate her.
It's all right.

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

I love you.

Mmm.

What are you doing?

What's the matter
with you? Why aren't
you saying something?

Now?
Yes.

Now it's okay to talk?

Yes! Oh, no, no!

It's just during
the contraction

I can't stand
the sound
of your voice.

I see.

Mmm. That
makes sense.

What about
the epidural?

No, not yet.

JOAN: All right.

[SIGHS]
Sweetie, I love you.

Oh, I love you
so much.

My God.

When you think
about the fact...
Remember when we first...

Wait. Shut up.
I'm having
another contraction.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

She's % effaced

and completely
dilated.

All right,
then it's time.

Jamie, honey,
listen to me.

Jamie, listen to me.
You're completely
effaced and dilated.

That means
it's time to push.

Okay. Now.

Now what?
Now dr*gs.

Now?
Now.

Jamie, honey,
you see, it's too late.

What?

There's a certain window
of opportunity

during which
an epidural
can be administered,

and in your case,
you waited so long,
that, well, now...

Now what?
The window is closed.

What?
It's closed.

It's closed? Open it.
I can't.

You can't open
the window?
The window is closed.

No, no, no.
Open the window.
Honey, it's closed.

Break it! What kind
of doctor are you?

I can't break
the window.
You're fired.

You're fired.
Go on. Get out.

Leave the gloves here
and get out.

Paul, break the window.
I'm sorry, sweetie. I can't.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

All right, Jamie.
You feel like pushing?

Yes.
Okay, let's lift her up.

All right. Push!

One, two, three,
four, five,

six, seven, eight,
nine, ten.

One, two, three...

What are you doing?
What?

Why are you squishing
your face like that?

'Cause I'm feeling
your pain.

But not really.
I'm okay.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]
One, two...

Three, four...

Five, six, seven,
eight, nine...

Oh! [RETCHES]

She's pushing!

[ALL CHEERING]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Six, seven, eight, nine...

Ten.
[GROANS]

You're doing so good.

I'm so proud of you.

Paul, come here.

Over here.
You see that?

Hey.
It's your baby's head.

Oh, my God. Oh, God.

What a beautiful head.

[BREATHES HEAVILY]
PAUL: Oh!

Sweetie, it's got your little
forehead thing going.

JOAN: Okay, Jamie,
now, one more push.

I can't.

One more push.
I know it's hard, honey,
but you can.

One more push
and this baby will be out.
Come on. You ready?

You ready?
No.

You ready?
No.

You ready?

No.
You ready?

I can't. I really can't.
I just can't.

Yeah, you can, sweetie.

Yeah, you can, you can.

You can do anything.

[SOBBING]

I can.

Yes.

Ready.

Okay?
Okay. Ready.

Ready? Okay.

Push, push...
One, two...

Three...
Push...

Good girl.
Yeah.

Oh, here we go again,
waiting for a baby.

Here it is. Got it. Got it.

[BABY CRIES]

You got yourselves
a beautiful baby girl.

Here you go.
Right there.

That's it.

[BABY CRIES]

Hey, hey.

Look who's here.

Hi.

Hi, little baby.
Hi.

[CHUCKLES] Hey.

That's your mommy.
Hi.

I'm your daddy.

Well, welcome
to the world.

And we will be
your hosts.

Yes.

You know what?

What?

Turns out this is
the good room.

[CHATTERING AND LAUGHING]

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday, dear

What's the name?

Still working on it.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

[BABY GURGLES]

[LAUGHING]