06x02 - Letters to Mabel

[bunniefuu]

Do I look like
somebody's mother to you?

Yes.

No.

Yes and no.

Excuse me, won't you?

♪ Tell me why
I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who
can stop my heart

♪ As much as you

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ As we jump into
the final frontier

♪ Final frontier ♪

Honey, does this
look clean to you?

Uh-huh.

'Cause I was looking
for the green one,
but I couldn't

you didn't, by any chance,
get to the dry cleaners,
did you?

Well, I was gonna,
but then I gave birth.

Okay. All right.

Nuff said.
Point made.

Gotcha.

What are you doing?

Writing a letter
to Mabel.

She's right there.
Just talk to her.

It's for her to read
on her th birthday.

Really?
She's gonna grow up
so fast,

and I want her to know
all the things I was feeling
her first few weeks.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Let me know
when you're finished.
I'll sign it, too.

Write your own letter.

What?

This is private
between me and Mabel.

Oh. Okay, okay.

So, uh, what time do
we have reservations
tonight?

I told everybody : .
And don't be late

'Cause then
the restaurant
gets too crowded,

and it's too noisy
for the baby.

She's really something,
isn't she?

She really is.

She looks so... wise,

and yet
absolutely innocent
at the same time.

She's like this
flesh and blood
expression

of both our lives,

but starting over with
limitless possibility.

Yeah. See,
I was gonna say

she's small.

PAUL: All right, mom,
we'll redo this line,

and it will be
the best thing
in the movie.

Here's what
we're gonna do.

You'll watch the clip
a couple of times.

Yeah, and then what?

And we'll just
do a pickup.

We'll re-record
the last part

that was drowned out
by the siren.

You can do that?
You can record
just that part?

Sure.
And it won't interfere
with the rest?

No.
Huh. Fancy.

Once, Burt and I
were in a hotel
in Florida,

and I stepped into
the elevator,

and guess who's there.

Ingrid Bergman.

And she says something
I will never forget.

She says to me,

"Six, please."

PAUL: So what happened?

I pressed six.

I told you
it's not a story.

It's a beginning
of a story,
and it just stops.

It has no point.

What? The point is,

[SIREN WAILS ON RECORDING]
Ingrid Bergman can't push
her own elevator button?

Do I really
sound like that?

You sound beautiful.

Really?

You sound like
Julie Andrews.

Don't be fresh.

All right.

When did I sound
like Julie Andrews?

When I said "elevator?"

Exactly.
I thought so. Yeah.

All right.
So that's all it is.

Just practice the line
a couple of times,

get comfortable,
and then when
you're ready,

give me a signal,
and we'll do it, okay?
Yeah.

PAUL: Let me ask you
a question.
Yeah.

If you found out that
your wife was writing
a letter to your kid

that you were not
allowed to read,

how would that
make you feel?

Why, I'd think
it was very sweet

and I had married
a terrific lady.

No. You know
what I'm saying.

Wouldn't it
make you feel...

You don't think it'd
make you feel excluded
or even...

No, excluded.
Wouldn't it make you
feel excluded?

No. I would understand.

In fact, it might
inspire me to write
my own letter.

You've really changed.

Hello! Mr. Demille!

I'm ready for my pickup.

Okay, ma, let's do it.
Here's what happens.

You're gonna hear
three beeps,

and then you talk
on the fourth one.

Why do we need beeps?

Just so you can
get ready.

I'm ready. I got up,
I ate breakfast, I came.

I don't need beeps.
It's very confusing.

Well, that's the way
they do it.

No wonder
movies are so terrible.

Dare you to put
a little b*llet
in my head, all right?

[BEEPING]

[SPEAKING IN ENGLISH ACCENT]
What? The point is,

Ingrid Bergman can't push
her own elevator button?

Button?
[REWINDING TAPE]

Uh, good.
You know what?

Just try it again,
and maybe just
a little more natural.

More like yourself.
Here we go.

[BEEPING]

[SPEAKING IN ENGLISH ACCENT]
What? The point is,

Ingrid Bergman can't push
her own elevator button.

[REWINDING TAPE]

You know, again.
Just maybe even
more like yourself.

Just talk like you.
Here we go.

[BEEPING]

[SPEAKING IN ENGLISH ACCENT]
What? The point is,

Ingrid Bergman can't push
her own elevator button?

Perfect.

Let me ask you a question.
The word "bouillabaisse,"

are there really like
Ls in the middle there?

What are you doing?

I'm writing
my letter to Mabel.

Bouillabaisse?

Yes, bouillabaisse.

How do you spell "Paella?"

What did you write
that came so easy...

Hey, hey, hey,
you can't read that.

I don't care.
It's private.

Okay, okay.
Oh, deciton.

I already know it's private,
you don't have to bark
at me. I understand

when something's private.

I'm not the kind of person
you tell something once,
you have to say it again.

Hey.
You are pathetic.

Wait a second.
What is this?

How could you?

"If I ever denied you
anything, I want you
to know

how much it hurt me
to do so

though others, others
always seem to take
the easy way out

and say yes. A mother
sometimes has to say no."

How could you read that?
Wha... what?

So in other words,
a father's just incapable
of saying no?

All right.
Give me the letter.
A father's just

a big, mushy weakling
who can't help himself?

Place the letter in my hand.

I can't believe
you talked behind my back

to my daughter
years in advance.

I'm getting the baby
and we're going to dinner.

[DOORBELL RINGING]
Besides, that's so
not even true.

I can say... I can say no.

Whenever I want to,
as good as anybody.

Hi, are you ready?
No.

No?
You heard me. No.

We're ready.
We're ready, we're ready.

Hi.
Hi.

[COOING]

Look at her.
She looks like you.

And like Paul.
She likes you and Paul.

All right,
do we have everything?

You have snuggly?
No.

[DOORBELL RINGING]
You don't have a snuggly?

All right, take it easy.

Hey.
No!

What?
Just like that... no!

All right.

Paulie, for you.

What is it?

James got me thinking.
I realized I had some letters
to write, too.

Oh, no.

James, one for you,

one for you, Joan,
and for you, Debbie.

And of course,
one for Mabel.

Give me a kiss.

It's your favorite
letter writing uncle.

Now you cannot read
these letters
until after I die.

Are you kidding me?
Now you're writing letters?

You have nothing to say
to these people.

What happens if we die first?

Well, if you're dying
or have a premonition of dying,

you can go ahead
and read it.

What if you had a really
throaty cough?

Come on, let's go.

It's important that
you're dying, that you're
not going to recover

'cause if you recover,
then I'll have to write
another letter.

Of course,
if it's an unexpected death,

like getting hit by a bus
or a flash flood, then
I can't help you.

What are you doing?
Writing a letter.

Oh, isn't that sweet.

Thank you.
I was going to write you
one too.

Oh, actually it's to Ira.

He wrote me one to read
when he's dead

so I feel like I should
write him one, too.

No, that's fine.
I understand.

[CLEARS THROAT]
So, what does it say?

It says it's kinda private.

I understand. Sometimes
you have to keep things
from your soulmate.

Listen, lying by omission
in this way

can be the backbone
of a healthy relationship.

Listen, I...

Kidding. It's fine.

Good.

What does it say?

Deb...
[MUMBLES]

No, I... I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.

I know you'd show it to me
if I really wanted to see it.

I know that
there are no thoughts
that you'd not share with me.

Let me see it.

No.

"Dear Ira,
just between you and me

now that I'm gone,
it can't hurt to tell you, Ira,

that every once
in a while

I would look over you
and think to myself,

"Gee, in another time
in another place,
in another life,

you never know."

Are you kidding me?

Oh, please. Don't even
waste your time
being jealous.

Oh, no, no,
not jealous, no.

No, flabbergasted
at the scope
of your taste.

But jealous...

All right.
Here we go.

"Dear Mabel,
[CLEARS THROAT]

"When did you get
to be a beauty?

"When did you grow up
to be so tall?

"Wasn't it yesterday
that you were small?"

Honey, can you help me
with this?

And then,
could you do the hustle?

All right,
it's the only shirt I had.

I'm going to the cleaners,
I swear.

[BABY GURGLING]
Listen, listen to her.

[BABY GURGLING]

Excuse me.

Are you writing
a second letter?

Uh-huh.

Just from the gurgling now?

Uh-huh.
[DOORBELL RINGING]

I mean, all right,
that is really rubbing
my nose in it.

Not only can I get
a letter going,

my failure
seems to inspire you.

Hi, I couldn't resist.
I got you a snuggly.
Snuggly?

Thank you.

I don't know
if it will fit
so try it on.

How can it not fit?
I don't know.

But read the directions,
it's very important that
you read the directions.

I don't have to read
the directions.

These things are done
by engineering students

after years of study.

You don't put it on
without reading the directions.

Honey, read the directions.

Okay, this is not right.

I told you
to read the directions.

If you were smart,
you'd read the directions.

Okay, could you sound
more like ma?

Why?

Here's a crazy idea.

How would you like to come
down and record mom's voice
for ten seconds today?

Really?
[DOORBELL RINGING]

Yeah, because you do it great
and if I got to go through it

with her again, I'm going to
end up crying in a pile
of my own dirt.

All right.

Bless you.
DEBBIE: Great.

Hi.
JAMIE: Hey.

How's it going?

Well, if it isn't Mr. Love.

I'm sorry?

Nothing, forget it.

Forget it?
What, forget Mr. Love?

No, I shouldn't have
said anything.

About what?
Stop it. Joan's gonna k*ll me.

Joan?
Oh, Jesus.

Come on, Debbie.
You gotta tell me.
Mr. Love is begging you.

All right.
But you forget this
the instant you hear it.

I forgot already.

All right. Last night,
Joan admitted to me,

that sometimes,
[LAUGHING]

she fantasizes...
[LAUGHING]

sometimes, she fantasizes
sleeping...
[LAUGHING]

Sleeping?
What she fantasizes
about sleeping?

Sleeping with Ira.

Wow.
Wow.

Wow.
Joan?

Joan you mean,
for all intents and purposes,
your wife, Joan?

You'll take this
to your grave, Ira.

Absolutely, I will.

Thank you.
Wow.

Anyway, listen.
It'll only take ten minutes.

Just come down,
you know.

What do you think
to be the best time, Ira,
about : ?

[SINGING]
♪ Me and Mrs. Joan

Stop that.

♪ We got a thing going on.

♪ We both know
that its wrong

You see what you started
with the letters?

I wonder what kind of fantasy
Joan has about me.

Is it slow and sexy like

nine and a half weeks
with the ice cubes?

Or is it sweet, like
Lady and The Tramp
with the spaghetti?

Have you not had
relations in, like,
years?

You wear a shirt like that
you're not allowed to make fun
of anybody.

Let me tell you something,
Justus, okay?

A lot of ladies have said
a lot of things about me.

But nobody from the other camp
has ever admitted to having
a fantasy about me.

Now, that... [CHUCKLES]
that is truly, truly sexy.

All right, here we go.
We're ready.

"Dear Mabel,

[SNICKERING]

You're gonna eat that
or you're gonna marry it?

I happen to love it.

All right, now I gotta go
get me something to eat.

Hey.
Give me a minute.

You want a sandwich
or something?
Yeah, sure.

Hey, Ira.

Hi Deb.
How you doing, listen,

before we begin,

I just want to say,
that I...

I hope there's
no hard feelings about
this whole Joan thing.

Oh, don't be silly.
Where do I go?
In here?

Oh, Deb, wait a minute.

We're a family.
We can work this through.

Ira, it's nothing.
I've got about three minutes
to do this.

You want to sit down?

Here? Thank you.
Yeah, good.

Look, remember...
[SIGHS]

remember that I'm saying this
to you as someone
who loves you.

This is really cool.
What, do I talk into here?

Debbie, come on,
we can't hide behind
nervous talk.

Why don't we just
face the truth, huh?

I mean, you and I,
we do have a great deal
in common.

Not the least of which
are the affections
of a certain lovely, lanky

albeit Jew hen,
by the name of Joan.

Oh, for God's sake.
I know, I know
this is difficult for you.

I do, but believe me
none of this was intentional
on my part, I mean.

You have to understand,
with me, sometimes

sometimes, chicks,
they do nutty stuff.

You know! And it is
my fondest hope...
My fondest hope that

somehow this whole thing
will bring us closer together.

Okay, Ira.

Okay, good.

It is like the greatest
single thing I ever heard
from a chick.

All right. Enough.

Oh, come on,
think about it.

[EXCLAIMING]
You told him?

If you'd have been there,
you'd have got a big kick
out of it.

What did he do?
Nothing.

What did he do?

He set out on
an ego trip
of mythic proportions.

Oh, Lord... [MUMBLING]

I've got to go...
I've got to go
and talk to him.

How am I ever
going to look him
in the eye again?

I don't know
but I can tell you this,

it'll be winking at you.

[BEEPING]

[JAMIE'S VOICE] What?

The point is
Ingrid Bergman can't push
her own elevator button?

What? The point is,

Ingrid Bergman can't push
her own elevator button?

What? The point is,

Ingrid Bergman can't push
her own elevator button.

Perfect.

PAUL: Great.

Sadly, you and I
can never have sex again,
but that was perfect.

Nice job, you.

On one hand, Joan
is a woman who likes me.

On the other hand,
she's a lesbian who
lives with my cousin.

Is he serious?

Just ignore him.
He'll talk himself out.

Hey, if Joan wants me
who am I to play God?

Maybe I should make myself
available to her.

Ira?
Yeah.

No, no, no.

You understand me? No.

Banish the thought
from your mind.

Okay.

First of all,
you have no sh*t.

Yes, I do.
No, you don't.

No.

And second of all,
even if you did, no.

Okay, fine.
No, no, no. Ira.

No.

No.

Okay.
[SIGHS IN EXASPERATION]

[SINGING]
♪ Joan, Mrs. Joan... ♪

Hi, Joan.

So, so you heard
about my letter?

Yeah, yeah.

It's okay, you know.
I've kind of always known.

Uh, you weren't supposed
to read it until I was dead,
you know.

I know.

So, I mean we both know
the difference between
something serious and just a

harmless little flirtation.

Of course.

Okay. I just...
I just wanted to make sure.

I just don't want there to be
any weirdness between us.

Hey. Not a drop.

Good.
[SIGHS]

So, we're cool?
Joan, don't be silly.

Joan, we're both
mature individuals.

We're practically
related, for God's sake.

I mean, for all of us,
there's a line, you know,
[CLICKS TONGUE]

You just...
you really shouldn't

you shouldn't cross.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Ira, Ira, get off me, Ira!

You're not dreaming, Joan.

You're not dreaming.
This is not a fantasy.

I can make your dreams
come true.

I'm telling you.
Get off me!

So, we're cool?

Okay, honey, remember
this is from Daddy, okay.

This is not from Mommy
and Daddy.

This is just from Daddy.

What's that?
That's my letter to Mabel.

When did you do that?

At work, after you left.

Pretty heavy letter.
Uh-huh.

Can I see it?

Uh, no.

I'm saying no
like a trooper now, huh?

Here, you know what...

I got it, sweety. I got it.
Ready to go.

Bye.
Where are you going?

We're gonna... we're going
to the bank to put this
in the safe deposit box.

Oh, don't go to the bank,
it's such a nice day

and I'm going tomorrow
anyway.

Okay. Good. You know what?

I'm gonna go outside and
parade my daughter's dangling
legs to the general public.

Have fun.

All right. See you. Come on.

Remember, be very careful
not to kick

because if Daddy
doubles over, nobody wins.

Happy Birthday, Mabel.

You're now and
I know what you're thinking.

I was pretty cute with hair.

Well, though you're watching
this in the year and

something, as I speak
to you today, you are
still very small.

You are truly like a little

you're very small.

And so I wanted
to give you
an overview

of all the things that
we'll be doing together,
you and I.

So, I made this film
for you and I just
put it together, you know.

Like that.
[SNAPS FINGERS]

Which, by the way,
something I don't think
your mother can do.

This is Yankee Stadium,
well, you won't believe
how green it is there.

This is Broadway,
where we'll be going
to the theater, you and I.

Not the one
with the three Xs on it.
The other one.

This is the Manhattan Bridge,
just as nice as
the Brooklyn Bridge

but without the crowds.

These are the tulips
on Park Avenue.

Look how I look
the same in every sh*t.

This, I think is my thumb.

As I said,
I did this very fast.

This is a restaurant
that I'm hoping to God
will be open in years

because they make
a lamb sandwich

crusty on the outside,
juicy on the inside.

Believe me,
you're gonna thank me.

This is the river.
You know Manhattan
is an island, right?

We'll get us some ducks
at Yun-Fat's.

Then, while we're
in the neighborhood,
get a couple of cannolis.

And then to top it off,
couple of laps
around the lake.

So, as you can see
by the time you're ,

you're gonna think
I am just swell.

But the best present
I can ever give you
is right here.

This nice lady.

I discovered her.
I conned her into
marrying me

and subsequently
made her your mom.

And I am sure
for your th birthday,
you were thinking

you were gonna get
one of those flying cars
all the kids are driving.

But today, like everyday, I'm giving you the best gift that I could possibly think of.

Your mom.

And to your mom,
who I am sure, put the tape
into the machine

six seconds after
I walked out the door,

I'm gonna stop and pick up
the shirts because I...
I can't live like this.

Love you.

[PAUL'S VOICE ON TAPE]
Your mom.

And to your mom,
who I am sure, put the tape
into the machine

six seconds after
I walked out the door,

I'm gonna stop and pick up
the shirts because I...
I can't live like this.

Love you.

So, in other words,
letters and video tapes
are my birthday present,

but flying car,
not so much.

All right. Very good.