06x04 - Uncle Phil and the Coupons

[bunniefuu]

Watch me.

Voila!

I gave birth.

PAUL: Why does she
have to interview
for preschool?

If we want to get her
into the best schools
later, we have--

I understand
she has to go to
the best preschool.

It's just...
I don't know. It's
just all so creepy.

You know what I did
for preschool?

I bounced tiny trucks
off Ira's head, until it
was time for kindergarten.

There you go.
Let's show daddy
your manicure. Look.

Oh, stunning!

Stunning.
Hey, you know what?

Even if you blow
the essay question,

they'll take you
on your nails.

Okay. You take her.

Mommy's gonna eat
a piece of turkey.

Daddy's in charge.

Hey, hey!

She says daddy's
in charge,
but you know what?

Not really.

Hey, do you know
what happened to
all those coupons?

What coupons?

The free-stuff coupons
that we're supposed
to send to uncle Phil.

Look in the drawer.

All right, 'cause we
need them for today.

Yeah, he wants
to buy Mabel
that teeter-totter.

He said there's
a coupon for it.

He said there's also one
for talcum powder.

We should have
one for tuna fish,

and something about
discount veal.

What?

The baby.

The baby! Yes!

The baby,
I forgot. Okay.

I forgot.

Hey, look at this one.
percent off
crunchy peanut butter.

What size?

Uh,

"Fifteen-pound drum only."

Exactly. Why does he
need that?

Honey, needs it, uses it,
not so important.

But get it
for less, yes!

Why doesn't he clip
his own coupons?

Oh, he does, but
he also takes ours
and my parents

and everybody
in the world's,

then he goes
into a store
and just unloads them.

It's a felony.
You know that.

What's a felony?

It is. I read
a whole thing
in The Times

about some woman who made,
like, $ , clipping coupons.
They threw her in jail.

Really?
Was she in the cell

with all the people
who tear the tags
off of mattresses?

I'm telling you,
it's a real thing.

All right. When we go
to the store today,

you explain it
to uncle Phil.

Yeah. Would you be
tremendously upset

if I didn't go
with you to that?

Why?

Uh, I'm supposed to do
this thing with Ira.

What thing?

It's, uh, with Ira.
Oh! What did people do
before turkey?

What kind of a thing
are you doing with Ira?

Mmm, it's something, uh,
it's something he wants me
to do with him.

He wants me
to do something.

What, you don't know
what it is?

Uh, it's like, um...

What, like
a personal thing?

I think so.

Ira needs you
for something personal?

I think
that's what it is.

You're seriously
not gonna tell me?

I think it's, like,
this personal thing.

Love you.

WOMAN: So,
tell me about Mabel.

She loves music
and dancing.

She really loves books.

Loves books.

She has a real ear
for the spoken word.

And languages,
especially
foreign languages.

And Mabel is how old?

Uh, end of next week,
she'll be almost a month.

RECEPTIONIST: Ms. Paris, Justin wants you to hug him goodbye.

Will you please excuse me
just for one moment?

PAUL & JAMIE:
Sure

So, where are you
going with Ira
that's so personal?

Nowhere. Is this dress
too cutesy?

Huh? No.
Is he sick
or something?

Who's that?

Ira.
No.

Is he getting
another perm?

I'm not gonna
tell you,
so drop it.

I'm sorry
for the interruption.

No problem.
That's okay.

Well...
Did we mention museums?

'Cause we're taking her
to museums all the time.

You did. Listen,

Mabel seems like
a wonderful child,

and you seem like
wonderful parents.

Thanks.
Thanks

Well, a child
is such a...

Listen, I'm going to be
presenting your application

to our board of directors
this evening,

and we should have
an answer for you tomorrow.

Okay, great.
That's nice.

Thank you.
Thank you
so much.

I got it.
I know what it is.

You and Ira are
making a surprise party
for my half birthday.

Yeah. That's it.

MAN: The dolphin,
right?

Ira: that's the one.

Wait!
What now?

Maybe we should go
for the starfish.

Oh...
I'm sorry.

No. Hey,
you take your time.

This is a very
important decision.

I'll tell you what.
I'm gonna go
in the other room.

Why don't you and
your old man put
your heads together

and see if you
can pick a fish.

[LAUGHS]

What?
Well, he thinks we're
together, you and I.

Yeah. How about
an Aztec sun?

Oh, that's cool.
I'll bet you Paulie
would love that.

Don't say a word of this
to him, you understand?

James, you know,
I got to tell you.

I'm not privy
to the intimate details

of your personal life,

But it seems to me
that if you're gonna get
a tattoo on your body,

your husband
is gonna stumble
upon it eventually.

Yeah, eventually.
By that time,
it'll be mine

and he won't be able
to take it away

Or talk me out of it
or make fun of it.

He is gonna
eat this thing up,
I'm telling you.

There is nothing sexier
to a guy than a woman
with a tattoo.

I just wanted
to do something.

I'm telling you,
it's okay.
You want to look cool.

I don't want
to look cool.

I understand. I do.
You want to feel sexy.

It's not about...

You want to feel
a little bit funky.

Not funky. I...

You want
to do something
unconventional.

You want to do something
with a little edge,
a little bite.

You want to be reminded
of who you used to be.

Yes.
Yeah. You want
to look cool.

Oh...

So what
do you think?

I can't make up my mind.

W-we're gonna
sleep on it.

All right.
Okay, we'll be back.

Sorry about
the old ball
and chain, pal.

Say no more.

All right,
here we are.

Found the yellow truck,
uncle Phil

Uncle Phil?

This is already
a cute hat.

Oh...

Great.

And not only
is it a hat,

You take the ears,
you wrap it
around your throat...

Bang!
You got a scarf.

It's a wonderful hat.

For winter, winter
in New York...
Sure.

Coming soon.
It's perfect.

Not only that...

Could be a hat,
could be a dog.

Make an intruder
think twice, see?
Sure.

Put it in a dark room,
intruder comes in,

He says,
"it's only a hat. Ooh!

It's a dog."

Now he's scared.
You could scare him.

That's the hat
my daughter
has to have.

Your daughter
will love this hat.

I can't believe
how much stuff
you're giving her.

Ah, let a man
be generous.

Let a man give
to a child.

Well, it's just...
it's just that you're
giving so much.

Well, it costs me
virtually nothing.

What are you
talking about?

Coupons!

You've got coupons
for everything here?

See that hat?
Yeah.

Thirty dollars
in the store
with these coupons

What?
I don't know.

Seven Cents.

I don't know
'cause Jamie told me,

that if you use these,
sometimes you can get
into trouble.

Trouble.

Well, she said trouble.
You can get into trouble.

Look here. It says,
"violators"...

Violators, shmiolators.

"Violators
will be prosecuted."

Prosecuted, shmosecuted.
Will you stop already?

It's what they said.

Look.
See the dotted line,
all the dotted lines?

You know why
they put this?
it's not an eye test.

They put them there
for you to cut. They
want you to take them.

All right.
They're hurt when
you don't take them.

All right. I'm just
looking at what it says.

"Only one per customer."
You're only supposed
to have one per customer.

One per customer, sure.

Well, I'm a customer.
Right.

You're a customer.
Yes.

Ira's a customer.

You got these
from every relative?

I get them from
not only relatives,

I get them
from neighbors,

people in the building.

I'm very popular.

I'll tell ya.

If I were to decide,
today to run for mayor,

I'm telling ya.
I wouldn't lose
by more than votes.

Six, the most.
All right.

So we'll use
the coupons.

I don't know, I always
heard growing up,

there's no such thing
as a free lunch.

Here. Free lunch.

All right.
When you're right,
you're right.

Absolutely.
I think we got,

more than anything
a child...
Wait.

could possibly...
Wait a minute.

Ointments.
We got ointments.

Don't tell me a child
couldn't use baby oil,
a little baby cream.

We have plenty of that.

Every child needs
more baby cream
than you think.

The average
-pound child,
I would say,

Is about
Eight pounds child,

two Pounds ointment,
creams, and emollients.

I didn't
know that.
Absolutely.

Then we'd be foolish
not to take that.

No. Let's take more.
What the hell.

All right.
I think we're covered.

That's three,
we should load up.

We're loaded up.

You're gonna have
a shiny, smooth child.

Okay.

Hi, can I help you?

Yeah. Absolutely.

We would like to
redeem these coupons.

We have some
more coupons here.

We have just
a few more...
Here to redeem.

Thank you very much.
Okay.

And if we're not being
too presumptuous,

we have more over here.

And let's not forget that
diligently saving gives us
even more...

Coupons, coupons,
coupons, coupons.

Excuse me...

You're saying all
of these coupons
are yours?

Of course.

Really, all of these?

Every one,
every single one.

And you want
to redeem them?

I want to redeem them.
Yes, I do.

Uh, I'll be
right back.

You'll be right back,
and we'll be here
waiting for you

to come right back here
to redeem the coupons.

I had no idea you
had this many coupons.

We could
get in trouble
for this.

No trouble.
You could because...

Oh, please.
You're such
a gloomy doomy guy.

No. This is what...

This is America.
It's America.
Think positive.

Paulie, listen
to your uncle.

♪ Beyond

♪ The blue horizon

I get it, but still...

♪ It's a beautiful day

Yes. Of coarse.

♪ Goodbye to things
that bore me

Together!

♪ My future's
waiting for me

But...
♪ I see a new

♪ I see a new

♪ I see... ♪

I see big trouble.

Yes.

PAUL: Mom, we all
have to go to court.

Ma, look, it's just
a preliminary hearing.

Yeah, it's a hearing.

I don't know.
I'm sure a pants suit
would be fine.

What school
could turn down

such an obviously
artistic child?

They'll be lucky
to have her.

Now, don't cry.
Ma, don't cry.

Don't...
[LINE CUTS]

Mom's crying.

I'll get
these paints
put away.

Why don't you
get her washed up
for the interview?

Okay. Somebody needs
to get their feet washed.

Not too hot
with the water, honey.

I know.

What did you just say?

What?

You just call her
"honey"?

No.

Okay, but I
didn't mean to.

What is going on
with you two?

Nothing.

Come on, you're using
terms of endearment.

You're going on secret
errands together.

I know what it is.

Are you guys
getting married?

Is that it?
Just tell me,

'Cause I don't want
to hear about it
on the street.

You're embarrassing me.

Just tell me what
the secret errand is.
Come on.

Don't do this
to me, okay?

I promised her
I would not tell you.

you promised her?

Yes.

She said
she promised you.

Oh. Whatever it is.

Wait, wait, wait.

So this is not even
your personal thing?

It's her personal thing?

I don't even know
what you're saying.

I can't believe
your loyalty is
to her over me.

Hey, I didn't
say that Paulie...

Oh, how the mighty
have fallen.

Paulie...

Would you...
just come on.

I will never tell her
that you told me.

You promise?
Yes.

Okay, so,
if I tell you,

It's not like I broke
my promise, right?

In a mind
without shame,
not at all.

Okay, hey.

She's getting a tattoo.

She's what?

Yeah. See?
Oh, why...

That's exactly why
she didn't tell you,

because she knew you
could not be supportive.

Why would I be
supportive of something
stupid like that?

Why...
What's the matter
with getting a tattoo?

Oh, it's just...
why, why, come on. Hey.

First of all,
it's unhealthy.

It's perfectly healthy.

All right.
I don't like it.

Paulie, come on.

And also, she's defacing
the god-given perfection
that is her.

Well, that's a good one.

Yeah, see?

You know
what I mean?

But, if I may,
it is her body.

Okay, A,
you may not.
All right?

And Two...
would you
put a tattoo

On the Mona Lisa,
huh?

Would you tattoo
the venus de milo?

If they ask me to.

Y-you don't mess
with perfection,
okay?

All right, all right.
You make a point.

Yes, I made a point.
Now, I'm gonna
make it to Jamie.

Paulie, no. Wait.

I don't want
James to know
I broke her confidence.

Well, you should
have thought of that
before you told me.

Let me talk to her,
all right?

When?
In my own time.

What are you gonna say?
I'll say something good.

All right,
you better,
'cause if not,

What?

I'm not gonna
let you marry her.

MAN: Okay,
here we go.

Wait, wait.
Okay. Come on.

What is it?

Have you
by any chance,
read...

This month's new england journal of medicine?

This month's? No.

There was an article
on tattooing is all.

and, you know,
apparently in many cases,

Uh, a festering
takes place.

A festering?

Yeah. The body,
sometimes rejects the ink.

Rejects the ink?

Oh, for god's sake.

I'm just telling you
what I read.

One guy, had to have it
erased, and he was allergic
to the eraser.

Oh, my god.
What?

He got to you.
Who?

Paul.
No.

Yes, he did.
What?

He got to you,
and you told him
about the tattoo.

No!
And now you're
his hatchet man.

James, I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to tell him.

You know what?
Go home.
Give me the baby.

No, please...
Go home.
I don't need you.

Now, James,
if I may say,
in my opinion,

You-- you are perfect
the way you are.

Don't start with that.

You two should go to
couple's counseling.

I wasn't going to
say anything, James,

but would you put
a tattoo on whistler's mother?

What?

James, you're like a masterpiece.

You should not
change that.

[MABEL WHINING]

That's a very
sweet thing to say.

Yeah, it's what
I happen to feel.

Is that
you talking
or Paul?

It's me.

You swear?

Yes.

why doesn't Paul ever
say things like that?

I can only speak
for myself.

MS. PARIS: On behalf
of the Hanover school,
congratulations

We'd like to welcome
Mabel to the fold.

Thank you
so much.
Very much.

Now just some other
standard questions.

sh**t.

Are you both
U.S. Citizens?

Both born
and bred.

Very good.
And you reside
in New York city?

Yes, we do.

One last question,
and I hate to even
have to ask this,

But you've never
been convicted of
a felony, have you?

[LAUGHS] No,
we haven't.

[MABEL BABBLING]

When you say
"convicted"...

JAMIE: I had her
in the school.

All right,
I panicked, okay?
I'm sorry.

No one has been
convicted of anything.

I never even used
the coupons. Never.

I just clipped them
and sent them
to Phil

As per
his instructions.

What he did with them
is not our business.

We should not
be here today.

We're all in this
together, okay?

Yes, yes, but it's
entirely his fault.

Look, he's going down
and is taking us down
with him.

All right...
Next case.

Docket number ,

The colossal food
& toy company vs.
Phillip Irwin buchman.

Objection!
What?

I don't use the name
"Irwin" anymore.

All right then.

Phillip Buchman.

Better.

Counsel, what is the
nature of your complaint?

Your honor, we will
prove beyond doubt

that Phillip Irwin Buchma...

Hey! Hey!

That Phillip Buchman...

Along with his relatives,
who were willing accomplices,

did knowingly
seek to defraud

The colossal
food & toy company

With the unlawful
hoarding

and fraudulent redemption,

of price-reduction coupons.

Mr. Buchman...

How do you answer
the charges?

The charges are answered
in the following manner:

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Response noted.

Now the coupons...
Your Honor,

he says "coo-pons",
I say "kew-pons".

Let's call
the whole thing off.

Counsel, you may proceed.

I'd like to call
to the stand
my first witness...

Mr. Phillip Buchman.

Ahh! Just when
I was sitting down.

You know, this
is a travesty
of justice.

Do you swear
to tell the truth,
the whole truth,

and nothing
but the truth,
so help you god?

More than less.

Mr. Buchman...

In order for you to have
accumulated as many coupons
as we've confiscated,

You personally,
in the last six months,

would have to
have consumed

pounds of
good n' salty
crackers...

Yes.

, bottles
of Dr. Hirsch's
very cherry soft drink...

Yes.

And purchased pounds
of pretty kitty cat food.

Yes!

Mr. Buchman,

do you even own a cat?

You mean, at the
present time as we're
talking to each other?

Yes.
No.

All right,
Mr. Buchman...

Let's talk about...

The crackers.

All right.

Let's talk about
the crackers.

You're a thin man.

I read labels.

Now, Mr. Buchman,

Do you seriously
mean to contend
that you have eaten

, good n' salty
crackers?

Your Honor,

the man is assuming
and presuming.

How does he know
what I eat and
what I don't eat?

This man is awash,

afloat in a sea
of assumption
and presumption.

Mr. Buchman, this court
has never witnessed
anything like this...

Witness, that's
a good idea. Witness.

Your Honor, I'd like to
call my first witness,

the guy with
the double-breasted suit
and the ferragamo shoes.

Do you swear to
tell the truth,
the whole truth,

and nothing
but the truth,
so help you god?

I do.

Your Honor, if it
please the court,
And I think it will.

You call yourself
a lawyer.

Do you have
any evidence?

Do you have
one eyewitness...

That has seen me
not eat ,
crackers?

Well, we...

Did you have
an eyewitness

Who saw me
not drink
, bottles

Of very cherry
pop delight?

Well...
which you need,

by the way,
to wash down
, crackers.

You work for
a big fat company.

You're their puppet.

You're the puppet
for a fat company.

And you wanna
put me
in prison?

A simple,
rather good-looking,
little old man.

Shame.

Shame.

Think! Think back when
you were a law student,

When you thought
you could do something,
you could help people.

You thought
about justice,
humanity, and goodness.

And your parents.
Think about your parents,

how they struggled to
send you to law school.

What did they do
to send you
to law school?

Well, they...

They what?

They both worked
very hard.

Yes, they worked hard.
And?

They borrowed money.

And they
borrowed money.
And?

They cut corners
wherever they could.

They cut...
what else
did they cut?

Nothing.

What else did they cut
to send you to law school?

Nothing!
They cut nothing!

[SCREAMS] What else
besides nothing
did they cut?

Coupons!

Coupons!
They cut coupons!

[ALL CLAP]

I rest my case.

Your Honor,
let me hear
the magic words.

Case dismissed.
Yay!

JAMIE: You
wanna see it?
PAUL: No.

I think you might
like it.

Okay, let me see it.

It's just,
you know,
you're my wife,

You're the mother
of my child.

Defaced, defaced like
a high-school locker.

You know, I don't
wanna have to...

Hey, look at that!

Do you like it?

Look at that.

It's a little heart.
Yeah.

There's nothing wrong
with a little heart.

No.

In fact, you gotta
have heart.
Exactly.

I was gonna put it
on my arm,

and then Ira thought
maybe a more private
neighborhood.

Ohh, well,
good for him.

This is a nice
neighborhood.

This is a whole
new side of you.

This is, uh,
you know,
it's naughty

and yet
at the same time

it's a little...
Naughty.

Wow, you and I
haven't visited
this neighborhood

in a long time.

Ohh, good.

Wait, where
are you going?

What?

I'm still looking
at the neighborhood.

Well, take your time.

No, I...
This is very nice.

Sweetie,
at some point,
I was thinking

of making my way
into the kitchen.

Don't go to
the kitchen.

Come here.

I'll go
in the kitchen
later.

[MABEL STARTS CRYING]

Whoops.

And there goes
the neighborhood.

♪ Heaven

♪ I'm in heaven

♪ And my heart beats so

♪ That I can hardly speak

♪ And I seem to find
the happiness I seek

♪ When we're out together
dancin' cheek to cheek

♪ Heaven

♪ I'm in heaven

♪ And the cares
that hung around me

♪ Through the week

♪ Seem to vanish like
a gambler's lucky streak

♪ When we're out together

♪ Dancin' cheek to cheek

[NODDING OFF]
♪ Heaven

♪ I'm in heaven...

[MUMBLES]
♪ I'm in... ♪

[SNORES]