06x06 - The Magic Pants

[bunniefuu]

Hi. Is this the Snappy Baby
catalog company?

No, I'm not calling
about an order.

Actually, I'm calling
to tell you that

we don't want any more
Snappy Baby catalogs
in our mail box.

Yeah, no, we're just
getting an awful lot
of catalogs.

So, here are your choices.

Either you stop
inundating me with your
Snappy Baby catalogs

or I will come right down
there and I will slap
plastic expl*sives

around your warehouse,
and I'll blow
the whole place to dust.

Yes... One second.

Oh, I'm sorry.
The item K- ,
the activity quilt,

does that come in a pink?

♪ Tell me why
I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who
can stop my heart

♪ As much as you

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ As we jump into
the final frontier ♪

JAMIE: This is our first
night out since
before the baby.

I want it to be perfect.

Well, I am
very excited also, but...

I need you to do me
a favor here.
Could you unclasp me?

There's something
dreadfully wrong

with my pants.

I'm so glad we finally
found a good babysitter.

Oh, I know.

I was beginning to think
we'd never find anybody
we were comfortable with.

Believe me.

Arley just exudes
such confidence, doesn't she?

Yes, she does.

It's hard to believe
she hasn't been a mother
ten times over.

[GROANS]
What are you doing now?
You're k*lling me.

Wait a minute.
Are these your pants?

What do you mean?

Sweetie, these
are not your pants.

What, do we have
a roommate? Yeah.

Come on. These are my
Zamilda Fuccini black pants

with the pleats
and the one inch cuffs.

Excuse me.

What? Hey, no cuffs.
See?

So these are not my pants.

Maybe they got switched
at the dry cleaners.

Oh!

Well, get them off of me.
Unlock me.

You have to calm down.
I'm trapped in
another man's pants.

All right. Let me...
Very disconcerting.
I'm walking around.

There's a guy.
Who knows what happened?

Look, "Custom..."

Look at this.
"Custom made
for D. Copperfield?"

Good. So I'm in
D. Copperfield's pants.

It doesn't make me
feel any better.

You think it could be
David Copperfield?

What, the magician?
I don't know.

Sweetie, come on.
It's New York City.

You know how many
D. Copperfields there must be?

You look in a phone book
under any name,

any name at all,
there's like , entires.

Even the oddball names,
you know what I mean.

Even... Like...

Sweetie.

Okay.

I... I got
David Copperfield's pants.

That is so cool!

Okay, you know,
you go to dinner by yourself

because I wanna see
how long this lasts.

You know, I bet you
there's some special lock
on them or something.

No, that's Houdini's pants.

No, no, no,
I saw this guy on Letterman.

This magician guy,
he pulled really hard,
the pants just flew off.

Fly away pants?
Yeah, yeah, let me just...

Did he have a magic word?
He must've had...

No, he didn't.
He just looked
with a little smile,

he did like
an eyebrow thing,
and then...

Okay, you know what?
Get out of here.
All right.

Ow.

Doesn't David Copperfield
have some show now
on Broadway?

Yes, he does.

So, we'll drop them off
at the theater
on our way to dinner.

Now you're thinking.

Poor guy. He probably
needs them for his show.
[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Hey. Do you realize he's
probably got my pants.

How'd you like that?
You're on stage, in front
of , people,

reach into your pocket,
pull out a packet of gum.

Hey, Arley.
Hi.

JAMIE:
Hi, Arley. Come on in.

Sweetie, look,
you remember Arley.

Hey, Mabel. Hi, sweetie.

Look.

You think she knows
we're going out?

Yeah. They know everything,
they just can't say.

Yeah. I bet
you're probably right.
It's okay, baby.

You remember Arley.
Yeah, come here.

Oh, it's all right.

Honey, we're gonna
have fun tonight.

You know what?
We're gonna do some reading.

Followed by a vigorous
discussion period.

Okay, she just had a big meal.
We'll only be out
for an hour and a half tops.

So that won't be a problem.

This is the number
of the restaurant,

this is Paul's parents,
my parents, Dr. Kekitch,

our cousin Ira,
and Nat who walks our dog.

All right, sweetie,
let's get going.

So you'll call us
for any reason?

Yeah.
Okay.

Goodbye, cutie.
Goodbye, sweet angel.

We're gonna be back
really soon.

We'll miss you
the whole time.

You guys have fun.

Okay. Bye-bye.
Thanks.

Sweetie.

Right, right, right,
right, right.

And look at that,
no more handkerchiefs.

You okay?
Uh-huh.

You gonna get
the garlic bread?

Where?
At the restaurant.

Uh, probably, yeah.

Tough leaving
the baby at home, huh?
Oh, my God.

You know what, sweetie?
It's gonna be okay.

She's in good hands, right?

Yes.

It's not like we can be
with her every second
of every day.

You couldn't.

A time comes when you
have to just be strong
and do it.

Right.
Right.

Stop the car.

No, no, what are you doing?
Stop the car.

Sweetie...
I'm getting out.

How could we just
leave her there?

Wait, what...
With a stranger.

What are we, nuts?
We're not nuts.

We're horrible people.

We're very decent people.
I'm gonna throw up.

Are you serious?
My throat is tightening.

Okay, hang on a second.
Loosen my throat.

Stop the car, please.
What is happening to me?

Okay, sweetie, it's nothing.

Oh, my God.
Sweetie, it's nothing.

Hey.

Sweetie.
What?

Here.

Pet the bunny.

Little bunny.
Where'd you get a bunny?

From my pants.

Really?
Uh-huh.

Little bunny.

Hi, little bunny.

Hi, bunny.

Are you okay?

Yeah. I'm, uh...

I'm actually...
I'm scared of my pants.

I wanna do
a spot check on Mabel.

I'm gonna go with you.
No, no, it'll take too long.

You return the pants,
I'll do the spot check,
meet you at the restaurant.

All right.
Wait.

What?
Give me an excuse.

For what?
For Arley.

Otherwise, she'll think
I'm crazy for going back.

Tell her you found a bunny.

Right.
Just don't tell her
where you got it.

Okay.
Give me a hug, you.

I love you.
I love you, too.

I'm sorry I messed up
the evening.

Hey, you're not
messing up the evening.

You're being the best mom
in the whole world
is what you're doing.

[TOY SQUEAKS]

I'm sorry. That's...

That's never happened before.

Is everything all right?

Yeah.

I was just
returning my bunny.

I see.

Can I help you?

May I use your phone?

ARLEY: Okay,
here we go.

Chapter one,
"Call me Ishmael.

"Some years ago..."
[DOORBELL BUZZES]

That's right.
It is written
in the first person.

Who is it?

It's Ira, Paulie's cousin.

Hi.
Hi.

Can I come in?

Can I see two forms
of identification,

including something
with a picture?

Really?
Yeah.

I'm sorry I have to ask.

No, no, no,
hey, Arley, that's good.

You're just doing your job.

All right, here we go.

Drivers license, good.

Smile like you've been
standing in line
for three hours.

Can I come in now?

When's your birthday?
March th.

How much do you weigh?

Now or then?
Then.

.
Are you an organ donor?

No.
How come?

Because I have
lingering doubts.

Arley, could you
open the door, please?

Hey.

Arley, nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.

I was just sitting at home.
I thought I'd stop by

and, you know,
show Mabel my pet rabbit.

Huh, really?
Yeah.

Yeah.
Okay.

Hey, here you go.
Look, Mabel.

Look at the little rabbit.

So, what's its name?

Uh, Stewie.
Stewie?

Yeah. So,

tell me something.
How's Mabel?

Oh, she's great.

Oh, good.

Any troubles at all?

No, none.
Good.

How about you? You okay?

Oh, me. Hey,
I've never been better.

So how long
have you had Stewie?

Who?
The rabbit.

Uh, long time.
Almost, uh, years now.

Really? Wow!

'Cause a rabbit's life
expectancy is usually
like five years.

Yeah, well,
he's a battler.

What have you
and Mabel been doing?

Reading.
Reading? What?

Moby d*ck.

Moby d*ck?What, are you kidding me?

Babies love Moby d*ck.

It has beautiful
rhythm and melody.

No kidding.
Yeah.

All right, well,
I guess, uh,

I guess Louie and I
will be hopping on
out of here then.

Louie?

Hewy.
Stewie.

It's a rabbit.

Very nice to meet both of you.
You, too.

Your mommy did a spot check.

Hi.

Hi.
Well, look at you.

What?
You look different.

Well, I had a baby.
Last tie you saw me
I was pregnant.

No, that's not it.

I bet it is.
No, no.

Okay.

New haircut?
No.

You got your braces off.

You know what?
That's exactly right.
Yes, I did.

Yeah.
And you sold your hat.

Yes.

Just as well.

Hey, James.
So?

So all's well.
Really?

Yeah. The picture of
a perfect babysitter.

What was she doing?

She was reading to her. Moby d*ck,if you can believe that.

Moby d*ck, that's perfect.
It has such rhythm and melody.

God bless the both of you.

So, things seem
under control?

Absolutely.
She's perfectly happy,

you got nothing
to worry about.

Okay. [SIGHS]

Okay, what can I get you?

Club soda is good.

Okay. And for the rabbit?

Nothing, thanks.

Okay, how about here?
Nothing for me, thank you.

Okay. Ew!

What?

Did you ever see Psycho?

Yeah.

It's amazing.
You should've seen Mabel
lying there, cooing.

She was cooing?
Yeah.

Cooing or fussing?

Cooing.
'Cause you know a fuss can
sound a lot like a coo.

James, you know what,
do yourself a favor,
all right?

Go to dinner
with your husband.

I will, I will.
You promise?

Yes, I'm gonna get the check
and then go
straight to the restaurant.

All right.
Okay.

Excuse me.
May I use your phone?

Yeah, it's kind of
in my house so I'm not
real comfortable with that.

[BANGING ON DOOR]

PAUL: Hello!

Hi.
Hello.

I need to see
David Copperfield.

Yeah,
you and everybody else, pal.

Show's been sold out
for months.

No, but I actually...
I need to see
Mr. Copperfield personally.

And why is that?

Well, uh...

I'm wearing his pants.

Well, look, pal,
maybe you ought to...

Okay, do you want me
to prove to you that these
are David Copperfield's pants?

Sure.
Okay.

All right.
Well, watch this.

Voila.

Goodnight.
No, no, I didn't...

Goodnight!

Ooh. Hey.

Ice cream?

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

[RINGING CONTINUES]

[RINGING CONTINUES]

Hi, this is David.
I can't come to
the pants right now,

but if you leave a message
I'll get back to you
as soon as I can.

[BEEPING]

Hello?

Hey! Hey!

Hello?

Hello!
Well, hello to you.

I've been expecting you.

"Queequeg was
a native of Kokovoko,

"an island..."
[DOORBELL BUZZING]

Okay. Time for
another spot check.

Who is it?

It's Nat, ma'am, the walker.

Of the dog, ma'am,
if I may.

How can I be sure it's you?

Yeah, I appreciate
your predicament here.

Oh, uh, my mother's
maiden name was Ostertag.

Okay, but I don't
have that information.

That... That would
be true, wouldn't it. Um...

Gosh, oh, I think
I got it, ma'am.

If you go to the back
bookshelf there behind
the little couch by the window,

on the first shelf
you'll find a series
of books, all right?

You work from right to left,

first book you should see

is Joseph Mitchell's
Up in the Old Hotel.

It's a scintillating collection
of his short stories
and articles.

Right.

Next to that,
you'll find Saul Bellow's
classic, Herzog.

Yeah.
And next to that

is Al Frankie's latest.

That's, uh,
Humorous Indictment
of the Radical Right.

Yeah.

Hi there. Hi, I'm Nat.

Hi. Arley. Nice to meet you.

Pleasure to meet you.

Yeah. There she is, huh?

Hey, there, Mabel.

Oh, hey there,
Mabel Mercer.

Hey there, Mabel not today,

Mabel not tomorrow,
but soon and for
the rest of your life.

So what can I do for you?

Nothing. Nothing,
I'm just here to walk the dog.

Murray, the dog.

You walk Murray at night?

Yes.

Yes, he finds it...
You know, the streets
are less crowded, you know.

Less full of
distracting, uh...

Other dogs.
Uh-huh.

Um, has the evening been
a pleasant one for both
babysitter and--

Bae there.

Oh, I'm sorry.

If this makes
you uncomfortable,
I can do it inside.

Please, no,
that's okay. I...

Can I get you, uh,
newspaper, a zip lock bag?

No.

No thanks.

Boy, you're really,
if I may say,

you're really
very skilled there, huh.

Thanks.

No, sincerely. I mean,
you know, as one
caretaker to another,

really, my hats off to you.
You're very deft.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Okay. Things seem
to be top shelf here,

so, uh,
very nice to meet you,

and glad to see
Mabel there is in
such good hands here.

Aren't you gonna
walk Murray?

Yes. Yes, I will.

So I imagine
you have my pants?

Zemelda Fuccini, pleated,
with one inch cuffs?

That's the one.

You know, I called you.

You know, I figured
that was you,
but how do...

How do you
answer these things?

Well, it's complicated.
You have to be sitting down.

Well, anyway,
I imagine you need
these pants.

Are you kidding me?
You got my encore
in your inseam.

Thank you.

You know, if you just
tell me how to get
out of these things,

we can exchange pants
and both get on
with our lives.

Well,
you cannot take them off.
Only I can take them off.

Mr. Copperfield,
I enjoy magic as much
as the next fellow,

but under the circumstances,
maybe we could just skip
the hoogidy-boogidy stuff.

Now, reach into
the back pocket if you will.

All right.

Hey, hey.

Where'd this come from?

Now, toss it into the sky.

All right, here we go.

Tossing.

Ah!

Yeah. Now, climb.

I should... Seriously?

Climb, my friend.

All right, all right.

Climbing.

Hey, look at this.

Yes, climb.

I'm climbing, I'm climbing.

Climbing like a monkey.

Stop climbing.
Stop it?

Also like a monkey.

Now hold
perfectly still, please.

[GROANS]

Mr. Copperfield?

But I am gone.

Hey.

One inch cuffs.

You know, when I was little
I had one of those.

A rabbit?
No, a purple sweater.

Hey there, Mrs. Buchman.
Hi, Nat.

Hey.
Um, can I get you anything?

Oh, uh, can I get
a virgin Mary to go,
if you would?

Mmm-hmm.
Anything for the dog?

Oh, no, no. No thanks.

Okay. And still nothing
for the rabbit?

No.

That's mean.

How's Mabel?

Oh, she's great, Mrs. Buchman.
Just happy as a little clam.

In fact, she was making
the cutest little noise.

She was going like...
[MIMICS BABY COOING]
Like that.

[REPEATS NOISE]

Yeah.
You sure it wasn't like...

[MIMICS BABY CRYING]

Because [MIMICS BABY COOING]
is good, Nat.

But if she's going,
[MIMICS BABY CRYING]
it's bad, Nat.

It's very bad.

I'm pretty sure it was...
[MIMICS BABY COOING]

It wasn't...
[MIMICS BABY CRYING]

No, no, it was definitely...
[MIMICS BABY COOING]

She was going...
[MIMICS BABY COOING]

I'm going up there.

"From beneath
the slouched hag,

"Ahab dropped a tear
into the sea.

"Nor did all the Pacific
contain such wealth

"as that one wee drop."
[DOORBELL BUZZING]

That's all for tonight, honey.
Mommy's home.

Hi, it's me.
Hi.

I'm sorry. I actually
forgot the address
of the restaurant.

Can you believe that?
Sure.

Happens all the time.
Hi, Stewie.

Nothing.
So I'm just gonna
grab the address

and I will be on my way.

You wanna check on Mabel?

Don't be silly.
How's she doing?

Oh.

Come on, will you?
What?

Listen, I don't mind
that you brought everyone in
to check on me.

Arley, I don't know
what you're talking about.

I also don't mind that
you all brought in
the same rabbit.

I, uh...
No, it's sweet.

It's good.
It's what I would do,
you know, if I had a kid.

Come, look at her.

Thank you.

Hey.
[MABEL COOS]

Hey.

Look at her.
Yeah.

You know what?
You don't have to worry.

You're right.
I obviously don't.

Thank you.

Listen, go out,
have a good time.

I will. I think
I'm finally ready now.
Good.

I'm sorry about all of this.

Don't worry about it.

See you when I see you.

Oh.
Graci,Dominic.

Mmm.

Should we check on the baby?

Yeah.

How is she?

[CHUCKLES] Hey, sweetie.

Hey, come on,
you're gonna miss
the end of the movie.

[CHUCKLES]

Sweetie, boy,
the first date.

Hey.

Stewie.