06x07 - Le Sex Show

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mad About You". Aired: September 23, 1992 – May 24, 1999.*
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Paul and Jamie Buchman face an unexpected challenge after 25 years of marriage when their daughter moves away from home to study at university.
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06x07 - Le Sex Show

Post by bunniefuu »

Okay.
Make a wish.

Okay.

[cr*ck]

What did you wish for?

Ah, it doesn't matter.

What did you wish for?

Ah, I wished
we had more chicken.

♪ Tell me why
I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who
can stop my heart

♪ As much as you

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ As we jump into
the final frontier

♪The final frontier ♪

I'm just saying,
if it were me,

I'd be offended.

And I don't see
what there is to be
offended about here.

I mean,
it's Debbie and Joan.

You invite them
to dinner,

and then you ask them
to bring dinner?

Yeah, okay, but not a bad deal
for you and me.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Uh, if you two don't mind,

I'd like to start taping
our sessions.

Fine.
Oh.

[HESITANTLY] Why?

Oh, there's nothing
to be alarmed about.

The tapes will complement
my notes and really help
our work.

I know, but, eh...

Okay.

Okay.
Now where were we?

Paul was taking
advantage of his sister.

That's the first thing
you wanna say on the tape?

Paul, just pretend
the tape isn't here.

I, uh...

Okay, um...
My sister...

No, uh, yeah, I was j...

I was trying to simply
make life a little easier

for the new parents.

Honey, we're hardly
new parents.

Ah, we're new.

We're not new. We've
been parents for months.

Yeah, but...
we're new,
you and me.

What are you
talking about?

We just... We haven't,

You know, we haven't
seen a movie since,

like, Ben-Hur.

We've seen
Fran and Mark once,

and that was
to get their car washed.

And... sex.

You know,
sex is like Canada.

It's right there,
but we never go.

Paul, these things
take time.

And I'm happy
to take the time.

I got nothin' but time.

Time is on my side.

Okay.

Paul Buchman:
healthiest man alive.

What if I said
I thought I was ready?

Ready for what, baby?

Ready for sex.

Can you
play that back?

Because I think I am.

Ready for sex?

Yes.

Well, I'd say,

A: much more fun
than getting Fran
and Mark's car washed,

But B: I thought
you said we have to
wait months.

Um...

What was that?
What was that?

What was that?

What was what?

That little look.
You guys just shared a look.

Right there!
You just did it again!

What was that?

Okay.
Sheila and Jamie
shared a look.

I did say that we
have to wait six months.

I remember.

So that was a little bit
of an overstatement.

Like a lie?

No. No, no, no.

Uh... uh,
actually, yes.

Really? And you were
in on this?

Paul, it's important
that Jamie not feel
any pressure from you.

This is a big step.

So when could sex
have begun, began?

Begun?
Commenced?

Uh... six weeks
after Mabel was born.

Six weeks?

I'm so sorry.

Not six months,
but rather six weeks?

I couldn't
be more sorry.

Week ...
Week ...

Weeks
through , ...

We could have
been having sex?

I wasn't ready.

I... you know,
I understand.

It's just that
the thought
of it was so

Enough said.
...repulsive.

Recorder's on.

The important thing is,
I'm ready now.

You're ready. Yeah,
but ready like what?

Ready, like,
"All right, maybe I'll
look at a dessert menu"?

Or ready, like...
"Oh, boy, cake!"

I would...
Like some cake.

Really?

I want cake.

Okay,
'cause I got cake.

I got nothin' but cake.

I'm... I'm a big baker.

Paul, let's
not start thinking

this is gonna
be some kind of
big free-for-all.

I beg your pardon?

Well, Jamie's still liable
to have some anxiety,
so take it easy.

Show some restraint.
Reign it in.

Excuse me.

I have all kinds
of restraint.

I mean,
have I said anything
to you about this?

Have I just...
no, truly, have I?

Have I said one thing?
One thing?

Paul?
What?

This is a form
of pressure.

No. But just,
you back me up.

Have I said or done
anything to pressure you?

No.

No. A request?
A suggestion?

No.
Have I hugged you funny?

He's done nothing.

Thank you.

And I mean nothing.

What's that?

Well, you could
show a little interest.

What?

How do you think
it makes a person feel?

I have so much to absorb.

It's just
with the pregnancy
and the birth,

all the changes
in my body,
everything you've seen.

How do I know
if you're still...
Oh, sweetie, sweetie,

Please. Trust me.

I find you every bit
as sexy and as attractive

and as desirable
as the day I met you.

Really?

Yeah. More. More so.

I mean, it's not
just wanting you.

Here's want...

Here's me.

So it's like want,

need,

urgency, and

covet.

That's where I'm at now.
I covet you.

Do you understand?
I covet you.

You're my wife,
yet I covet you.

Not my neighbor's wife.
You.

In my head, six commandments
I'm breakin' right now, just

Uh, Paul?

And yet at your pace.

You're gonna
love this place,

Best pizza
in the city.

Who invites you
to dinner and then asks
you to bring dinner?

They're new parents.
Let it go.
Not that new.

Care for a flyer?

No. Thank you.
Take a flyer.

I don't need a flyer.
I'm already here.

Well, they won't
let me leave until all
these flyers are gone.

Take the flyer.

I'm sorry.
I don't want one.

They're watching me,
lady. I can feel them.

Take a flyer.

I said,
no, thank you.
Here you go.

This is the pizza
you love?

Debbie,
just take a flyer.
I don't want a flyer.

It's really good pizza.

What?
Are you too good
for a flyer?

Just take a flyer
so we can go in.

Oh, now you're
on his side.

Why don't you
just make it easy
on everyone

and take a flyer?

I said I don't want it!

Oh, you want it.

Excuse me?

Take a flyer.
You have
a real problem.

Take two!
Tell a friend!

I don't want
a flyer!

And if you don't
get out of my way,

I'm gonna march
right in there
and talk to your manager,

Do you understand me?

Gimme a kiss.

Ew!

Ew!
[GROANS]

MAN IN COSTUME: Oh,
come on, lady.
Just take a flyer.

I just... I can't
thank you enough

for saying you'll
have sex with me.

Paul, remember
we talked earlier

about you not putting
a lot of pressure on me?

Yes. Right.
Yes. No pressure.
There is no pressure.

I'm pressure-less
and pressure-free.

Just nice and easy.

Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Paul?

You know what?

How about you go get
a salad bowl down for me?

Okay, okay.
That's good.

See?
Now I have a task.

I've got a task.
I have something
to focus on.

So now my energy
and focus is all here.

Nobody's pressuring you.

Nobody's gonna get hurt.

And you get a nice
salad bowl. Here you go.

Salad bowl.

I want cake.

Cake is good.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Oh...It's Debbie
and Joan.

Get rid of them.
How?

I don't know.
k*ll them?

Sweetie?

Sorry.

I'll be quick.

We held out this long.

I think I can make it
another minutes.

Try to make it ten.

I'll see
what I can do.

No piece of pizza
is worth what
I went through.

It's the best pizza
in the city.

Come on in.
Hello.

You could have just
taken the flyer.

I don't have to take
a flyer from every piece
of pizza in the city.

Wait, wait,
wait, wait.

Where is
the pizza?

She hit him.
Can you believe that?

Well, he flicked me
with the end of himself.

So there
isn't any pizza?

We don't have
the pizza.

You have
no food at all?

Is this a problem?

Thanks for coming.

We'll call you,
or you call us.

We'll call you.
We'll call you.

Who invites you to dinner
and then asks you
to bring dinner

and then when
you don't have dinner,

throws you out
of their house?

We'll explain tomorrow.

They'll understand.

You remember
that subway token
I gave you this morning?

Let's call that
foreplay.
Yes.

Good.

She's too young
to be around this.

Oh, yeah.

Ladies first.

Just go.

PAUL: I don't know
how I went this long
without cake.

JAMIE: Oh!

I love cake.

[SPRINGS CREAKING]
JAMIE: Me, too.

PAUL: I love cake.

JAMIE: Me... too.

JAMIE: Ooh!
PAUL: Cake! Cake!

JAMIE: Me, too!
PAUL: Ahh!

JAMIE: Ahh!
PAUL: Oh!

Ahh!

Paul: Wow!

JAMIE: Did you switch the baby monitor?

PAUL: No. I thought you did.

JAMIE: Oh, my god.

JAMIE: She just heard everything.

Mabel heard everything.

PAUL: Oh, that can't be good.

We're bad,
bad parents.

How soon can
she start therapy?

She's fine.

Oh, my god.
All the breathing
and the panting.

Not to mention
a rather vulgar
discussion about...

Cake.

Ugh!

She heard everything.

Whatever she heard,
she didn't know what it was.

Nah, but you didn't see
the look in her eyes

when we came out
of the bedroom. Oh!

The child's first words
are gonna be,
"who's your big daddy?"

So what?
So that's what?
My fault?

Well, I didn't say it.

Yeah, but you were
pretty worked up, too.

Paul, Paul.
Jamie...

It's okay.

Okay, now, just relax.

Now, tell me.
Did you have sex
while you were pregnant?

Yes. Oh, my god, why?
Was that wrong, too?

That is perfectly healthy,
and Mabel heard that.

Yeah, but muffled.

We've scarred our child,
our baby,

and for what?
minutes of ho-hum sex.

Jamie, you and Paul
are gonna get past this.

Could we go back
one second?

"Ho-hum sex?"

No, no, no.
I say "ho-hum."

I didn't mean "ho-hum."

I meant "ho-hum,"
like, you know,
"ho-hum!"

Well, you were
making a lot of noise
for just "ho-hum."

Well, yeah. Of course,
I was trying to let you...

Unless...
unless... Wait.

Did you...
did you fake it?

You know, just a...

Little bit.

Okay, you know...

Only till the very end.

What about all the,
"me, too. Me, too!"

All right.
I was happy for you.

Were you just
not into it?

No. I was into it.

I was. I told you
I was ready.

So you're ready,
and you're into it,

And yet I...
I couldn't, uh...

Couldn't bring you to...
to, uh, the promised land?

I really enjoyed myself.

Stop the tape.

I was headed
to the promised land.

I almost got...
I got halfway there.

I wanted to get there.
I really did.

Halfway there
is very good, Paul.

Paul?

Listen,
do you think I enjoyed
having to fake it?

I ju... aren't we
out of time?

I've never
had to do that
with you before.

Well, glad to hear that.

One time
in the Poconos,

But other than that,
I've never...
we have plenty here.

Careful. Careful.
I think we have
more than enough.

How do you think
it makes me feel

that you can't
tell the difference?

Hey, if it
looks like a banshee
and screams like a banshee,

I'm thinking, "banshee."

Cake.

I love cake.

Cake.

Cake. Cake.

Me, too.

Honey, she's fine.

PAUL: I don't wanna
have sex with you.

Well, neither do I,
but don't you think
we should?

PAUL: No.

Come on. Let's just
get it over with.

We can get on with
the rest of our lives.

Oh, well, now I'm hot.

I hope they
appreciate this pizza

'cause I had to barrel
my way past this guy
in a pizza suit

who actually flicked me
with the end of himself.

He knows
a good thing
when he sees it.

What are you doing?

What do you
think I'm doing?

Oh, I know
what you're doing.

Who's my big daddy?

Well, big daddy's
not giving it up.

What is
the problem here?

We've always had
perfectly great sex.

Yeah. Well, apparently,
not in the Poconos.

This is the beginning
of a new era,

and we got off
on the wrong foot.

I just want to get us
onto the right foot.

I see. So it's sex
not so much for pleasure,

more for making a point.

Exactly.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, sweetie?

Even if I had one ounce
of attraction for you
right now,

Joan and Debbie are coming,
like, any minute.

Come on.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Huh? What'd I say?

All right, but
as soon as they leave,
I'm coming after you.

Yeah.
Whatever.

Did ya get it?
Where is it? I want it.

Ooh! You
got it. Yes!

Where's Debbie?

Oh, she's parking the car.
God, I love this pizza!

Oh, come here,
you cute thing.

PAUL: You've gotta tell me.
What is so good
about this pizza?

It's so good.

I don't know about you,
but I am starving.

Well, good 'cause
we got the pizza
that you guys like.

Joan, what
are you doing?

I'm eating pizza.

Thatpizza?

DEBBIE: Yeah.

How could you
do that to me?

Paul, can I see you
in the kitchen
for a moment, please?

Sure.
How could you?

What?

It's like stabbing me
in the back.

I guess
Debbie doesn't like
the pizza as much...

It's not gonna happen,
my friend.

Come on!

We've got guests.
We've got Mabel.

So, they can
take her for a walk.

They just got here.

You sure?

You know what?

They can take her
for a little walk.

That was...

Incredible.

Uh-huh.

I mean, I went in with
such low expectations.

I thought we were
gonna just, you know,
get the job done

and call it a night,

but you...
you would have
none of that, would you?

Mm-hmm.

You realize, not only
did I get there,

but I came back,
and I got there again.

Uh-huh.

You don't believe me,
do you?

Not one word.

But it's the truth.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

Honey!
You know what you are?

You are the little girl
who cried cake.

I am not.

Yes, you are.
And the first time
you cried it,

we all came running
down that hill.

In good faith,
we ran down that hill,
and what did we find?

No cake.

So, this time,
me and the villagers,

we're not even
gonna make the trip.

We're just
gonna stay here
and make our bricks.

Are you finished?

And someday,
I'll tell you right now,

You're gonna cry cake
for real,

and you know what?
I will not
even be there.

You know
what I'm saying.

It's all really a matter
of credibility,

and the fact
that you have none.

Why do you insist
on spoiling

what was a perfectly
great experience?

Paul, Jamie sounds
awfully sincere to me.

Are you, like,
ever on my side?

Twice, Paul.
I got there twice.

Do you realize how rare
and special that is?

Excuse me.

Twice?

Twice.

Jamie,
sometimes we exaggerate
to try to make a point.

What?

Well, for example,
"I've got a million things
to do today."

Now, I may be very busy,
but do I really have
a million things to do?

Unlikely, isn't it?

Okay, can I
just say something?

If I, you know,
really concentrated

and focused all my energy
and my attention,

and the temperature
was just so,

twice is not
so out of the question.

You just said
you weren't focused.

You just said
you weren't focused.
What?

I wasn't. Yeah.
I wasn't all there.

What... what do you mean?
Do you mean
you didn't have...

No! Of course I did.

Well, good.

Honey, I'm a guy.

So?

So it means nothing.

Thanks.

I mean, I can do that
in my sleep.

Now, Paul,
you were saying
you were distracted?

I wasn't distracted.
It just so happened,

The way I was positioned,

my eyes were kind of
facing the night table,

and I saw on the night table
was Mabel's pacifier.

And I realized we forgot
to give the pacifier
to Debbie and Joan.

You're thinking this
during our lovemaking?

So I'm thinking,
"what else did we forget?

"Did we forget the rattle.
No. She's got that.

"Her blankie? No.
That was in the stroller,"

And then, right there,
that's where you interrupted

And you screamed out,
"Oh, god!"

So...

I interrupted?

You said, "Oh, god,"
so I hear god.

My mind went to
my theology class in college.

"Oh, god." This to you
is an interruption?

So I got
"Mabel and college.
Mabel and college."

You think,
the phone rang,

that could be
an interruption.

And I... excuse me...
started thinking,

"Uh-oh. Do we have
enough money to send
Mabel to college?"

For example, "Hey, pal,
make me a sandwich."

That could
be an interruption.

If we don't,
then she's gonna
have to start working...

This is what
I'm thinking...

She's gonna have to work
right after high school,

which is exactly
what my cousin, Todd, did.

And I thought about Todd
who always had this
annoying expression.

He used to say, "It doesn't
take a Philadelphia lawyer
to figure that out."

They go, "Philadelphia."
I used to think,
"Why Philadelphia?

Why does a lawyer got
to be from Philadelphia?"

So I'm thinking,
"Philadelphia."

I'm thinking
of the Phillies.

I'm thinking
of cookie rojas.
Don't ask me why.

So I have all these things
running around in my brain,

So... Yeah,
I was a little distracted.

All this, and you
still got there?

Honey, once again,
I'm a guy.

I have to say, I'm...

I'm very unhappy
about this.

Do you see me jumpin' up
in the air singin' Sweet Sue?

Listen,

you two are putting
way too much pressure
on yourselves.

Forget about sex for a while.

Maybe it was too soon.

So what are you

you're telling us
we can't have sex?

Well, in my professional
opinion, don't.

Yikes.

Or...

We can go to
the apartment
right now

and give this thing
one last sh*t.

What?

Hmm? Come on.
Double or nothing.

Now, as your therapist,
I strongly advise...

Come on.
Throw the marbles.

I'm with him.

Fine.

Don't come cryin' to me
when it all turns ugly.

So, overall,
the experience,
you would say...

Very nice.

On a scale of one to ten?

Like a , a solid .

You see?
That I believe.

I don't get it.

I mean, you told me
to be more assertive,

and I have to say
it's not working well.

What do you mean?

Well, people seem to
really dislike me.

Why do you think that is?

I don't know.

Come on.
Why do you think?

Because maybe...

Maybe it's because
I like to flick them
with the end of myself.

Now we're
getting somewhere.

[SOBBING]
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